The Chokin’ Kind
The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.
I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here. I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags? How do you avoid dating an abusive person?
Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?
Have you ever dated someone whose behavior was suffocating? When did you notice it? How do you handle it?
I wanted to share a few statistics from the Domestic Awareness Project:
1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.
Over 22 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men surveyed, reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.
It’s staggering looking at the numbers, but behind these statistics are real people, who have experienced painful abuse. What more can be done to raise awareness?
Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women? In a call to men, the Domestic Violence Awareness project listed the first thing men can do: Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?
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250 comments Add your comment
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
1:34 pm
@czB ~ you’re absolutely right. Threats and insults are totally different. I wasn’t threatened but I stayed on high alert for a very, very long time. I’m still leery when walking into his apartment.
“… they were not going to talk and I did not want them to harm him.” Yet, it was ok with you for him to harm you. Sometimes, a man needs to get knocked the phuck out by another man!!!
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:35 pm
Thank you czBrat.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
1:36 pm
Afternoon folks!
Before I get into this discussion I’ll echo czBrat to say:
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RAQI! Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. You would not believe how many times I think back to some of your words when dealing with my fiance’
On-topic: I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. My mother’s common-law husband (I guess he was my step-daddy) used to beat her. Let me rephrase – they used to fight. I can’t remember if I shared this on here, but I remember one time he was going off on my sister and I about treating his son wrong. It was the middle of the night and my mother woke up and heard him, she grabbed a butcher knife and came at him. My sister jumped out of the bed to help my mother – I backed myself in the corner to stay out of the fray. There were many other times they would get in fights and I would get out the way. I was having no part of it.
In my youth – I fought. A LOT. I got into fights in school every year up to the 8th grade. Got suspended for fighting twice. My last fight was my freshman year in college. One fight was with a guy…well, it wasn’t a fight per se’ – we got into in class, I pushed him and he punched me in my mouth. That was the last time I put my hands on a guy.
I know I have a temper, but I know how to channel those emotions elsewhere. I’m like SCool in that I watch my words too. Sometimes going the extra mile to avoid tearing down someone. But there’s always that button that can get pushed where the words will come. It’s usually a situation where I’m provoked. But because I know that my words can cut deep, I try to avoid that as much as possible. I’ll walk away first.
And I have a punching bag in my workout room that is a great stress reliever.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
1:37 pm
@Melo, your coolness comes across in person. You’re a very calculating individual, and I mean that in a respectable way.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:39 pm
Dream, that statement just means that it could make things more difficult for you in a divorce hearing if your brother or father beat the crap out of your husband.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
1:39 pm
Leggs..
Heck no it wasn’t right… but it was twisted (good word cbratz) in a way that I didn’t want them to hurt him…
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:42 pm
Thank you Tazzee.
But uh, about this right here
In my youth – I fought. A LOT …reading you now, we ever would have thunk it. LOL
Deeva4Life
October 29th, 2009
1:43 pm
Me and my ex-husband had a few physical encounters, but at the time I refused to call it an “abusive relationship” simply because I fought back. Back then, I considered an abusive relationship to be one where the person was getting the crap beat out of them and was unable to fight back. It wasn’t until later I realized and acknowledged that anytime a man (woman) puts their hands on you in a harmful way, and you didn’t touch them first, it’s abuse. I’d never stand for such foolishness today…you put your hands on me, you’ve got a problem on your hands…cause I’m hitting back and if you’re to big to fight then you better sleep with one eye open. Oh, and whatever it was we “had” it’s definitely OVER!!!
Kym
October 29th, 2009
1:44 pm
Okay I am going to try this again. sigh
Good Afternoon All,
One…DV is a problem for all races and sexes. It is not about male pride but control. The person who is the abuser is feeling powerless because of many factors, be it work, school, home..whateva. Life gave them lemons and they are sucking those lemons dry and bitter all the way. So they take out all that frustration and bitterness on their love ones. Sad but true. I am not making excuses..I am stating facts, and yes they need help. The sad part is that as our economy goes down..(the recession maybe over on Wall Street but not on Main Street) more and more DV cases are growing because people are increasingly frustrated and depression rises. Women are just as gulity of DV as men. Abuse is not just physical but mental and we as women can dish out the mental in spades. I agree Wisey this forum is the perfect place to discuss this issue. Not because we want to hear someone’s life story or truimph over the odds but because the less we talk about it, the more we live in denial of it.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
1:44 pm
On the other hand, my baby sister messed around and got herself in an abusive relationship. I saw the signs from the get. He was very controlling and I warned her, but she was determined to be with this dude. Her blind love for this dude is what got her put out my house (resulting in me caring for my nephew). She moved in with this dude and stopped going to her classes. Her classmate called and I ended up having to call the police so they could go check on her.
When the police arrived, she had a black eye but told the police everything was fine. The police officer called me and told me there was nothing he could do. She then called me and told me she was fine. I could tell dude was there so on my end of the phone I told her I was done – I gave her a way out and she didn’t take it, so she was on her own.
Apparently the officer was concerned so he called his supervisor to get approval to take dude eventhough she wouldn’t press charges. After that happened, she called me asking if she could come back home and I told her no. I did not trust that, after that guy got out, she wouldn’t have him in my house. I refused to compromise the safety of my nephew or me. So she had to go to a shelter.
That was one of the most painful things I’ve had to do in my life because I had been my baby sister’s protector all her life.
I’ve never witnessed my older sister be abused, but I’ve heard from some of her friends that she had been by past boyfriends. She endures plenty of verbal abuse from her current husband. I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:47 pm
Sometimes going the extra mile to avoid tearing down someone
You know that statement there is a big problem that so many of us have when it comes to conflict in relationships. We resort to tearing down the individual and getting away from the matter at hand.
We have to really be care there and refrain from attacking the offender when the offense needs to be dealt with. And there are time when there can be no real offense that has taken place.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
1:48 pm
Kym
That post is so true…
Kym
October 29th, 2009
1:49 pm
@Tazzee I know what you did with baby sis had to hurt..been there..done that..got a sweatshirt and jeans. But in the end and at somepoint further up the road..she is going to look at that moment as the tipping point. Sometimes tough love is the best love.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
1:51 pm
Tazzee
I couldn’t imagine being that tough on my baby sister (if I had one), but given the circumstances and all variables it was the best solution…
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
1:51 pm
Happy Anniversary, Raqi. Enjoy cuz you two are definitely doing things right!
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:53 pm
I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up.
That too is present sad situations. There are so many people that inflict and/or endure abuse because it’s what they saw growing up. You live in an environment so long you begin to think it’s what’s normal. Or right.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm
Thank you Leggs.
Melo
October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm
She endures plenty of verbal abuse from her current husband. I truly believe that this is a direct result of the abuse we witnessed while growing up</strong?
Thats a shame Tazzee…
Leggs,thanx
i hate it that i have to go to this meeting……
will miss uall..
Deeva4Life
October 29th, 2009
1:54 pm
But there’s always that button that can get pushed where the words will come. It’s usually a situation where I’m provoked. But because I know that my words can cut deep, I try to avoid that as much as possible.
Same here!!
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
1:56 pm
Kym – your post was right on point.
Raqi – are you making fun? It goes both ways, I meet some folks that say they can see it in me. Others say they would never believe it.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
1:59 pm
@Dream_n, twisted is a good word!
@Tazee,….you did the right thing even if it hurts. First and foremost, you’re protecting your nephew.
My sister is now living in a shelter and I can’t even invite her to come to Georgia and stay with me because I already know how it will end. Some writings on the wall you just can’t ignore. Every once in a while I say the move will do her good, but in the end, I know it would do me badly!
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
2:04 pm
Kym – Kicking her out and then not letting her back made her grow up. It also helped to realize that there’s only so much you can do to help grown folks. There were many other things that led up to that incident that practically drove me crazy.
John Q. Public
October 29th, 2009
2:05 pm
agreed. Domestic Violence is unacceptable AND filing bogus charges to “set up the board” for a divorce is even worse. the attorneys and organizations that use false charges to further their legal ($$$) and political ($$$) agendas are no better than any criminal who assaults another person (regardless of the gender configuration). “hitting” another person with false legal charges is just as repugnant as hitting another person with one’s fist. and sadly enough, every minute of court time spent litigation bogus charges is court time that could be used bringing real criminals to justice. anyone who has been to Family Court knows this expensive and sad lesson in our wonderful judicial system.
Kym
October 29th, 2009
2:11 pm
@Tazzee I understand I love my folks,but those jokers can’t live with me. In my housing search now, I am looking for homes that are close but not to close. Otherwise they will want to pop up. Its kind of like that kid’s book my son liked “If you give a mouse a cookie… If you let some jokers visit you then they want to eat..then they want to stay..then they want to invite other folks. Nawww its safer for all parties involved if they just stay away.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
2:13 pm
Leggs – That’s how my sister came to live with me. I should have known better when she declined my first offer to come live with me because she didn’t want to live by my rules.
Yeah, that experience had me making use of EAP at work. The psychologist told me nothing was wrong with me, but I just knew I was crazy because I wanted to choke my sister in her sleep sometimes.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
2:18 pm
VERY well said, JQP
Tazzee i ditto those who’ve said you’ve done a difficult and courageous thing. i pray all turns out well for you and yours.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
2:19 pm
When I was younger, I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him if he put his hands on me. I guess that’s one of my scars from what I witnessed growing up.
Looking at my fiance’ you can tell I’m over that
Kym
October 29th, 2009
2:19 pm
Shout out to Cameron and Associates!!!
Tazzee.. EAP is a wonderful thing. Used it early this year for family therapy because I truly believed I was going to hurt the boy. Puberty..me and him yeah next stop was Grady for him and a trip to Rice Street for me. I recommend family therapy highly.
Michelle
October 29th, 2009
2:20 pm
How to prevent DV or stop it?! First, people have to acknowledge that it’s real and not just something people make up for attention or to get sympathy!
We need to educate our children as to what abuse is! We live in such a society that you can say and/or do MANY things to one another because you are their parent, spouse, friend, etc. “It’s all in the name of love.” What a bunch of crap!
NO ONE deserves to be treated like a door mat, and that includes how they are spoken to. Unfortunately, when you are raised around an abusive environment, that’s what you learn. It’s a cycle that has to be broken!
As far as arguing in front of your kids…why not? This is an excellent way to teach your children “how” to have an arguement that does NOT include name calling, threats, and violence. You can have arguements that are constructive. No, it’s not easy. Someone has to be willing to say, “hey, it’s not ok for you to talk to me like this.”
Please don’t wash your hands of those who leave and go back. The next time could be the last and if you aren’t there as a support, they may not leave at all!
Something VERY important to keep in mind. When the abused person finally takes the step to leave for good…this is when they are in the MOST danger!! The abuser realizes they now have nothing left to lose. At this point, in their own desperation, they may do something (i.e. kill, maime, etc.) that inconceivable to others. AT LEAST 75% of all DV homicide occurs while the victim is attempting to separate.
For those in an abusive relationship, ALWAYS have an escape plan. Talk it over with your family and friends. Have a code word or something that alerts them that you are leaving or something is wrong. Make sure they all know what you would do, where you would go, etc. Then, if you have to leave on the fly, they can help you. Make sure to keep copies of your important documents and give them to someone you can trust. Keep a duffle bag, of supplies and extra money with someone you trust just in case you have to leave with the clothes on your back!!
Another thing we have to do is fix the system! Sometimes it takes SO long for the legal system to work that it fails those who need it most. Instead of protecting the innocent people (like the kids) they are drug through DFACS, questionings, and all the crap. Remember that abuse does not just happen to one person in a home!
There are MANY resources out there to get help. Sometimes, they are hard to find though.
1-800-33HAVEN (800-334-2836) This is a Georgia resource to help you find the closest certified DV shelter.
Contact the Georgia Coalition Against Domestic Violence
gcadv.org
gacoalition@gcadv.org
404-209-2080
Or DFACS to help find shelter and programs
gadfcs.org/familyviolence
Georgia Legal Services
glsp.org
Atlanta Legal Aid
law.emory.edu/pi/alas
Tapestri Refugee and Immigrant Coalition
tapestri.org
DV is still taboo for so many people. It needs to be something that is no longer tolerated under ANY circumstances.
OK, I’ll get off of my soapbox now.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
2:21 pm
Taz – Dude is a mini-mountain. All broad shouldered and extra tall and stuff. You look like a midget next to him. It is so cute!
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
2:21 pm
czBrat – thanks. It has turned out well – that was 5 years ago. Some of the blog oldheads remember because when I first came on the scene here I was taking care of my nephew. Since that incident, my sister has really gotten her stuff together. I probably don’t tell her enough but I’m proud of her.
Matta fact, I’m finna tell her again now.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
2:23 pm
“I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him”
That’s the funniest thing said today because there’s nothing funny about this topic!
I remember when I went into marriage counseling by myself that the counselor had me make a list of the things I expected from a man. The item listed first was “I expect my man to NEVER hit me,” and I know that was a direct result of the things I witnessed growing up!
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
2:24 pm
Going to get a fudge sickle…brb!
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
2:24 pm
When I was younger, I used to only date guys that were close to my size because I wanted to make sure I could take him if he put his hands on me. I guess that’s one of my scars from what I witnessed growing up.
Looking at my fiance’ you can tell I’m over that
Tazzee i am LMAO that you would say those exact words!!!! my ex was not a big guy, and after my experience with him i would just SMH @ my sisters who loved to date the bodybuilder types. all i could think was ‘he!!, i was lucky to get out of this in one piece. i’m certainly not getting involved with a big, strong dude.” now what? i’m with a hercules who is as gentle as a teddy bear!
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 29th, 2009
2:32 pm
SCool – I knew you would say something. You should see us when I don’t have on heels. Oh wait, you did because I had to put on those bowling shoes. I love feeling petite next to my mini-mountain
Leggs and czBrat – I’m so serious!!!
It’s kind of sad, but I grew up in a fighting environment. My sisters and I fought all the time and I thought that was how you handled conflict with people you love. So I figured that would happen in a marriage.
Michelle – that was some good information you provided. Just the other day my fiance’ and I were having a disagreement and when his son got back in the car I wanted to squash it. But he kept on and I’m glad we did now that I look back at it. His ex-wife was abusive and his kids witnessed that growing up. I’m glad his son was able to see us settle our disagreement calmly.
In the know
October 29th, 2009
2:33 pm
I work for a local police department AND was involved in a marriage that was every type of abuse possible. Once I started working here I realized that hey this is wrong and I deserve better and I AM worth something. I always said the physical abuse was easier to handle because bruises heal but the verbal and emotional abuse scars your mind and soul. The verbal stuff plays like a loop in your head and convinces you that what they said about you is right and you are all those names because if you werent they wouldnt say them.
My ex was abusive just because. He had a bad day, or it rained and he wanted to mow the grass, the car made a funny noise…all my fault so I got to pay for it. Walking on eggshells at all times is horrible. Jealous, possessive, I had to keep reciepts to account for my time and I had better answer the phone on the first ring and there was no having any friends.
I also know that I see just as many women get arrested for DV as men…sometimes they both go to jail. They do this in front of their children which just teaches the kids thats how you handle thing…its a cycle.
I also see the same people (always women) then show up hours later begging us to let the man that just beat them in front of and sometimes along with the kids out of jail. Sometimes once the officer gets there and stops the beating and starts to handcuff the man, the women have actually attacked the officer to keep them FROM arresting him. Blood all over their faces and all. Fortunately in cases of DV, they arent the one pressing the charges. The State of Georgia is. The reason the State presses the charges is because of women dropping charges and taking them back and then ending up dead..which granted still happens sometimes even if the charges arent dropped.
Women come up here so often to try to drop charges looking all beat down that I no longer feel sorry for them and think well when you get him out dont call the police when he whips you again….this having been in their predicament. I think well, we have helped you get away from him….took State Warrants and got a no-contact bond to keep him away…gave you the DV pamphlets telling how and where to get help, monetarily and mentally but you are here with your black eye and busted lip begging us to let him out because you “love him”.
I’m not an officer and instances like this are frustrating for me as a civilian so I can only imagine how frustrating it is for the officers involved.
Women do make the DV stuff up thats true but thats why in order to be arrested there has to be some marks or independant witnesses saying that this happened.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
2:36 pm
When I was growing up it was also said that you should be grateful and not complain about the one that is putting a roof over your head. That’s all good and dandy, but these doggone roofers are keeping up a major racket up there.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
2:37 pm
And yep, pun intended. Yeah I know, that was corny.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
2:38 pm
And I think that’s the best thing about women that endure the verbal/physical/mental abuse.
They learn, they grow and they realize that it’s not okay for you to talk down to me or put your hands on me. It was an obstacle that they had to go through and by the grace of GOD they were able to get out of the situaton alive.
I thank god for my story, I thank him for the things hat I’ve gone through… I thought there were times when I was going to loose my mind, Felt trapped and although I knew I had support, I felt alone… I am finally at complete peace with this situation.
And I am so proud of the many women that finally wised up and got themselves out of the mess that they were in. It’s a true testament to the grace and mercy that god has for us…..
Now I’ll know the signs and I’ll politely let myself out….
Kym
October 29th, 2009
2:40 pm
@In the know.. yeah in Criminal Law my prof talked about how women would literally follow the police to the station to get Ray-Ray off the hook for the beat down. or Women who were arrested along with the man calling mama and gmama to get both of them out cause they were fighting like wild animals.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
2:41 pm
They learn, they grow and they realize that it’s not okay for you to talk down to me or put your hands on me.
Unfortunately not all do. Some just go from one abusive relationship to another. And another.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
2:42 pm
Raqi i recall trying to talk to my mother-in-law about hubby’s behavior. her advice to me was “how do you think Joe and i have been married so long? you have to learn to look the other way and deal with it.” i was FLOORED!
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
2:44 pm
you have to learn to look the other way and deal with it
czBrat SAY WHAT?!?!?! GTFOH!!!!!!
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
2:47 pm
And you know what czBrat? What she said right there was clearly the reason her son was an abuser.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
2:47 pm
Taz – MND and I were talking about you guys last night and how we’re looking forward to seeing you guys on Saturday.
He was like, “Yeah, it’s always nice to date other couples that you actually like.”
~lmao~
For Real
October 29th, 2009
2:51 pm
Corrolla: Oh what about him Tazzee?
Tazzee: Ummm naw Corrolla he look like he can take a punch.
Corrolla: huh? Oh what about that one over there?
Tazzee: Gurl naw! He got to be at least 6′4″. I could never get around his jab.
Corrolla: Huh? What the Hell….
Tazzee: Awwwww yeah there he is… look at my new booo… Oh and he lil like Tupac.. I could fugg him up easy! I think I’m in love Corrolla!!!
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
2:52 pm
ForReal – Dead at Corolla. Dead again at “lil like Tupac.”
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
2:53 pm
i’m gonna have to disagree with Leggs. the funniest thing(s) on the blog today has been For Real and his dang skits!!!
Ms. Main....popping in for a second
October 29th, 2009
2:54 pm
I can only say wow to some of the stories….I’m sooo glad I’m a hot head (sometimes). It may seem like an ignorant statement given the circumstances and stories told but I have NEVER been one for taking crap…especially from men. I was raised to believe I’m just as good as any person and better than to taking crap or suffer abuse in any form. Not to mention my brothers couldn’t stand any dude cut from the abusive cloth…even to the slightest. They ALWAYS had me and my sisters back. I’m not knocking anyone’s current or past situations, it’s just sad to read, knowing there are sooo many tragedies and tragic relationships where abuse remains unspoken.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
2:55 pm
@IntheKnow ~ an acquaintenance of mine was raped by her boyfriend and beat up. She called police and had him arrested only to drop the charges 2 days later cuz he was facing 15+ years in jail. Her entire family rallied behind her and supported her. Now, they’re not speaking to her because she dropped charges, got him out of jail and are now on a cruise together. (The cruise was paid for before the assault). I just hope he doesn’t throw her overboard!!!! I would have to lose my money because no way would I be going on a cruise with him.