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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

The Chokin’ Kind

The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.

I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here.  I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags?  How do you avoid dating an abusive person?

Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?

Have you ever dated someone whose behavior was suffocating? When did you notice it? How do you handle it?

I wanted to share a few statistics from the Domestic Awareness Project:

1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.

Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.

Over 22 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men surveyed, reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.

It’s staggering looking at the numbers, but behind these statistics are real people, who have experienced painful abuse. What more can be done to raise awareness?

Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women? In a call to men, the Domestic Violence Awareness project listed the first thing men can do: Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?

250 comments Add your comment

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:49 am

I think For real is right about accountability and also education on the subject, knowning the signs and flags, knowing what to avoid.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:50 am

“The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.”

abc / For Real — I’ve gotta co-sign abc’s statement above. I’m never got to get involved with any chic that shows tendencies for abusive behavior. And at the first sign of any such tendency, I’m out — long before anything life-threatening occurs.

Now, if some random chick that I don’t know from Eve runs up on me & tries to jack me, I will f@#k her up…. :lol:

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:50 am

And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV

u proly more passionate about it than me,seeing that u are a victim.
But it dont sound like u objective tho,which does not surprsie me.
When u say a “slick” mouth,what kind of “slick” qualifies as non abusive and what kind of non-slick is abusive.I bet u using “slick” as a euphamism to hide the real damnage ot the words.
Educate me on that??

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
11:51 am

I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type.

SexyCool control.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:52 am

Scool: I was talking about Ishhead too.

Melt-me: “Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason)” – You can’t have it both ways. If verbal abuse exist for women then it exist for men. Consequences, Consequences, Consequences… Beside, it’s funny how chicks know when and who they can flip off at the mouth with….

Chick: You limp dyck, ugly, stankin, no good bastard. And yo mammy’s a hoe!

Other Chick: You do realize that’s Mike! As in Mike Tyson!

Chick: I wasn’t talking bout Mike! I was talkin to abc.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:52 am

Oops… that should have read “I’m never going to get involved…”

BackandAtIt

October 29th, 2009
11:53 am

@forreal. I have to deal with the same as a mother with two boys. I strongly do not advocate a boy hitting a girl and tell my sons in a heartbeat. Yet it goes both ways-it is not okay for a girl to hit a boy either. And while my sons are taught to respect that fact, that doesn’t meant that some of these girls are being taught the same.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
11:55 am

And here I thought that “imprint on my soul” was an original, but I see SCool said the same thing!

I remember when I picked up a lamp to knock the living daylights out of my ex, and just as quickly remembered lil leggs was upstairs and I didn’t want to go to jail. That’s the only time I came close to DV. Instead I did the next best thing. Filed my papers!

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
11:55 am

I’ve spoken to great lengths about how a false DV charge That were droppoed and dismissed made me lose full custody of my son. My Ex knew she would lose custody if she didnt get me out the house.. I was the primary caregiver, so what does she do.. She comes home late (5am) starts an arguement cause I locked her out gets the police and they take me to jail.. Was I angry? No doubt.. Did I hit that woman? No and I put that on my sons life.. Did we argue? Of course but thru the glass screen door.. So when she got the police.. Taking her shoes off and sobbing uncontrollably (mind you she had just come home), I thought it was funny, but by the end of the situation I was snatched out my house, cuffed, stuffed and hauled off to jail.. I spent the next 9 months fighting it.. The county kept trying to get me to cop a plea with no marks on her, no evidence that anything happened. They would always do it when I was sitting out in the lobby waiting on court to begin before my lawyer got there.. So this is a very touchy situation for me because Ive never put my hands on a woman a day in my life but spent a huge amount of money fighting bogus charges and after they knew nothing happened nothing happened to her. The killer was the judge on the bench was a victim of domestic violence.. If that isnt a conflict of interest I dont know what is..

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
11:58 am

GM All…

I so was not ready for this topic…but i guess when dealing with dating you have to cover all aspects and unfortunately this is one of them…

I despise abuse of any kind coming from a man/woman…
I think it’s absolutely wrong and cowardly!

Whether it be physical/mental/verbal abuse it’s just not something you want to be associated with.

Coming from a verbal/physical abusive relationship, it’s scary at times. I’ve been pushed about 3x’s and choked once. The verbal abuse was more consistant. It first began with jealousy… I interpreted his questions of .. Where were you/Where are you going/ Why didn’t you answer as being concerned and I thought it was cute. I thought that him wanting to know my every move showed that he truly loved me, but I soon learned that it was a way to control me. He didn’t get verbally/physically abusive right away, but there were signs there that I didnt notice.. Like getting angry when ther was no soda(no joke). the first time he pushed me I was stunned, surprised, and in total disbelief. As soon as he saw my face he immediately apologized… I went back. Each time he pushed me I left him alone longer….I was in love with that man though, so I went back to him after the voicemails, the begging, and the gifts. The verbal was something that I could take (oddly enough at the time, no need for a long winded break)… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself… but then there would be the apology saying I didn’t mean it I just don’t want you to leave me… I then stayed…. The last straw was about 6 or 7 months ago when he choked me, that dude choked me…. put his hands around me neck and choked me!! That was it I was done, I had had it up to here with his mess… I look back and I don’t know why I stayed so long.. i could say love, i could say convenience, and I could say that I was scared noone would want me… I’ll just take all the above… After that I shut down.. his apologies were hollow.. i didnt want him anymore.. i couldn’t believe that he had choked me as if I was nothing.. as if I had not helped him get out of his moom’s house, as if I had not taken care of our daughter, as if when he lost his job.. I wasn’t there taking care of everything until he got on his feet… All that went through my head, I then started to blame myself for staying… He only did what I allowed him to do as hard as it is to admit, its the truth… So for the past months I have been living with a guy that has been trying to be the best boyfriend ever… no arguing, no hitting (simple disagreements) , but nothing major… and I wonder where this guy was for the past 3 yrs… It pains my heart to leave him, but I have gotten him accustomed to how to treat me and although he’s showing the side of him that I grew to love, I know in an instatnt he can turn around and be the man I hate……

For Real

October 29th, 2009
12:00 pm

abc/swiss: I agree that the sooner you spot those tendices in a chick you should leave. I call it the “crazy eyes”. Once I see a chick with them ain’t nothin she can say to me.

Chick: Heyyyy for real?

For Real: Hey there foxy momma what you got cookin?

Chick: Alligators!

For Real: (Screaming like a hoe in church)

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:02 pm

Heavy but real topic. Never been abused. I have to agree with whomever stated yeah hurtful words carries a razor’s edge. In skimming I saw this question——> but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions?

I don’t think there’s ever a reason to smack anyone but I’m sure those that are abusive would beg to differ. Especially those that swear by the code that a potty mouthed woman is EVERY reason to knock her around a time or two in getting and demaning respect. I soooo disagree. It’s just time to go, IMO.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:05 pm

“… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…” This must be boilerplate language when men want a woman to feel inferior. My ex said the samething to me, but I always laughed in his face when he said it!

@Dream_n, we all have lessons to learn as we navigate through life. Glad you opened your eyes then and now know what you need to do.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm

Oh and I went to court 8 times before they dropped the charges.. She only came to court once and didnt say a word.. They would do stupid stuff like have me show up to court to say they werent ready and to comeback on this day, only to send a letter to show up a week later.. It was the worst experience of my life.. They just assumed I had whopped her cause she said so and the judge was upset because I wouldnt cop a plea, but I wasnt guilty so i wasnt copping to anything..

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm

I can’t wrap my mind around being with an abusive spouse/SO. I know it happens but I pray that I’m never approached. I already know I’m not staying but I pray I’m never approached.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm

DK: I’m glad you stood up for yourself and those tricks with the court date was in hopes that you wouldn’t show then they press charges.

Ms. Main....popping in for a second

October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm

He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…”

Like my mama ALWAYS said, if they want you someone will too

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:11 pm

I grew up watching Mama get beat. I was always astounded by the times I heard her provoke, egg him on to hit her. Never really appearing to care that us kids were in the other room scared shytless. We broke up a few fights, but I’m still riddled w/guilt about the one fight I didn’t break up, but felt in my bones something wasn’t right as Mama encouraged me to walk to the pizza shop so many years ago. Came back to a freaking nightmare!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:12 pm

Dream_n all i can say is, “so happy to see you still with us this morning”. :)

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:14 pm

Leggs

It’s funny b/c i look back and some of the stuff he said was quite comical.. as Ms Main quoted.. If he wanted me someone else will… plus with my good genes I’m sure!! lol j/k

DeMarcus

October 29th, 2009
12:15 pm

Diva has done plenty of chokin’ over the years.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:21 pm

Leggs & Dream_n i, too, heard those comments over and over again, and for many years i believed it. finally i said “so be it” and took the step to end the marriage.

DK your experience was horrible. if you believe in karma, people who falsely use something so vile as a tool to punish another will learn their lesson one day.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:23 pm

Domestic Violence is real.

IMO it’s all about control.

1. One person wanting to control another individual.
2. A person not being able to control their emotions and actions.

I think the reason so many people find themselves in abusive relationships is because they at first are not true to themselves about what is really going on. And secondly, many make excuses, the abuser and the abused alike, for their actions.

You often hear people say they react from being under a lot stress. You hear others say that their mates provoked them. I don’t care what excuse may be used, if you cannot control your actions you need to get help. However, the wrong side of that is that some don’t realize or belief that anything is wrong with them to get help for.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:24 pm

Oh. and he would add to those comments “beleive me, no black man will want a woman with two kids. no black man wants to raise another man’s kids”. that one REALLY put enough fear in me to make me stay. but eventually i did reach that “so be it” point and moved on. thank GOD!

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:26 pm

Dreams from what I remember reading in previous discussions, since you were living with your mother at the time did you not tell her what was going on?

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm

SexyCool I too thought something different from the topic itself. LOL

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm

Interesting topic for sure….

Before they divorced, I grew up watching my father fight my mom and a few times I stopped them from fighting. Sumtimes when they usd to argue I’d stand outside the room just to make sure he didn’t hit her and to this day that’s just part of the reason I resent him. I’ve often heard that women date men who remind them of their fathers but not me. I did at one time date a guy that I ended up having a fight with and we were in that bytch moving furniture and stuff ’cause I just wasn’t about to let that shyt slide. Needless to say I broke it off after that and when I encounter crazy fools like that I bounce with the quickness cause sometimes I don’t/won’t back down and that’s not always good….so I just avoid those types of guys like the plague.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:29 pm

Leggs

My mom was abused also.. me being young I was scared out of my mind!!!! I thought each time he beat her was going to be her last day… traumatizing.

The one good thing, if any in my situation is that he never pushed/choked me in front of our daughter…

He always said he had an anger problem.. while I do believe that, I believe he had a selective anger problem and the intended target was me…. He could be saying some very off the wall things to me, but let my lil one come in and his entire demeanor would change…

It was scary…

Fred (the old one!)

October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm

Back when I used to keep up with the numbers, a woman was more likely to be hurt in an incident of DV and a man was more likely to be killed in an incident. This was attributed to a man being more likely to use his hands and body but a woman was more likely to use a force multiplier shuch as a knife or a gun.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm

Raqi/Leggs – head nod to my fellow freaky…er, um, creative chicks. ~lol~

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:32 pm

Raqi

She knew, my sis knew, my dad, my brother, my best friend…. everyone knew that was willing to listen to me in my family… and of course they told me to get out, my mom especially.. but I was in love, I was young. At one point some people washed their hands, and rightfully so, I wasn’t listening to what they were saying… i would complain and never take the advice given.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
12:34 pm

Infamous it is a sad but true fact that in cases of domestic situations a woman’s voice speaks louder than a man’s.

I remember the time I saw a woman haul of hit the guy in the car with her. She was whacking him pretty good for a sec. We called the police. While I realize the woman’s side was probably heard over his initially, I feel like even if it did take him some court visits and finances, he was better off than if the cops weren’t called at the beginning and he ended up whipping her pretty badly defending himself.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
12:38 pm

Sassy

I was scared to even try to break anything up.. My dad was the type that wanted everything in our house to stay private. We couldn’t have anyone sleeping over… We talked to our mom about our days at school or things that were bothering us.. While we respected our dad.. we dare not cross him…

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
12:42 pm

@Leggs – Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.

Thanks for the welcome. You are not kidding about the conversations, lively stuff going here and good to see but I have too many conference calls and meetings today to keep proper track.

I will try and pop back in later today if work allows it.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
12:46 pm

@czB ~ you see, I never once believed it. I still smile at the time when he told me how “stupid” I was to file divorce papers and how I’m taking the roof from over our daughter’s head because there’s no way I could afford the house and the monthly expenses by myself (let alone raise her). 4 years later and still smiling!!!! Broke as hell, but still smiling!

Melo

October 29th, 2009
12:50 pm

Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?

For me and mine, i think now,we are more proactive when we have disagreements.
There is mutual trust and respect and the realization that we raising other pple in the home..so we very mindful.
We dont argue in front of our kids,we respect each other’s point of view and if it gets heated for some reason,the other party is usually quiet…not interrupting, to raise the tempers.

Iam personally more mellow in my demeanor than i used to be.Cold,like a cucumber so much that if u scream FIRE!,it dont phase me.

When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.
I think that is the key to keeping DV in check.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 29th, 2009
12:51 pm

Dream My “sperm donor” was the type that the whole neighborhood liked and respected….the kind that’ll do anything for anyone except his wife and children. He intimidates people and is known knuckle up when approached the wrong way….but only in the streets. What I’ve come to realize is that he doesn’t like to be confronted by us(his children but mostly me cause I’ve done it several times) and my mom and I think it’s out of guilt b/c he knows whatever we confront him about is true and he can’t handle it. Now I know that he’s a mama’s boy and she means more to him than we ever did/will….so he’ll have to ride with that til he meets his maker. In the words of Big Boi….you can gone get the hell on…you and your mama…is how I’m feeling.

veit

October 29th, 2009
12:52 pm

Would like to say that I think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I think people (male or female) that are abusers were raised in a abusive environment. Some people make the decision to never be that way and some just dont know any better, they should but they don’t. I have been in three (stepfather and two husbands) very abusive relationships becuase I thought I could HELP them (husbands) but came to realize, I could not they have to help themselves. I was also abused as a child physically, mentally and sexually. I say shame on parents who raise their kids around it and dont show them it’s wrong. Dont stay with someone for convenience or because you were raised that divorce is not acceptable. Never let a mother in law tell you that she put up with it and it will get better in a few years, just give it time. B…S…, I finally said enough in enough!!! All abusers: get help, take a class where you can deal with your anger and issues, buy a boxing bag do, remove yourself from the situation, whatever you have to because LIFE IS TO SHORT!!!

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
12:54 pm

Leggs it wasn’t so much the insults that resonated with me. it was the threats. things like “you’ll never get away from me”, “i’ll never let you take my kids”, “no other man will want your baggage”. those things really instilled a fear in me of being alone and burdened. i guess he knew me well enought to know how to get to me. but i finally realized the worst of my burden was him.

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:01 pm

I think one of the most horrifying things about domestic violence that gets overlooked is when the authorities are called to respond to such situations, the abused takes the side of the abuser. My sister and my best friend are attorneys and there are many, many cases where the abusers are taken into custody but when it’s all said and done no charges are filed by the abused and the abuse continues.

I used to watch COPS and sometimes it would be crazy when the cops get to the scene and try to handcuff the suspect the victim would try fight the cops for “man handling” their abuser. Just craziness.

Mom2two

October 29th, 2009
1:03 pm

I watched my father 6′4″ 240lbs beat the crap out of my mother 5′2″ 140lbs and partially disabled when I was growing up. He beat me and my sister as well. I tried to give him the opportunity to atone once I moved out and came back to visit and he said I deserved everything I ever got. I had to take my sister out of the house when she was still in high school since she called the cops after a beating and he got arrested. Vengeance would have been his had I not taken her. The charges were dropped since they couldn’t find my sister to testify. My mother died and I haven’t spoken to my father in over 10 years. He wonders why. Effing Idiot.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm

Mom2Two your story is the reason i finally made that move. it’s one thing for me to endure as a wife (my stupid choice), but keeping kids in a situation that could one day escalate to violence against them …. just couldn’t take that chance. not with their lives. i think it’s great that you reached back and pulled your sister out!

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm

When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.

Melo very very true…. the emotions get the best of you and you tend to just react quickly rather than think it over…

Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice

October 29th, 2009
1:12 pm

Dream my marido is laying over there on the couch with his head buried in a pillow and every time I say something to him he mumbles back at me without lifting up his for me understand what he is saying.

I just told him I was reading online where a woman was being abused and her father AND brother were both aware of what was going on. And the couple was not even married. He lifted up his to clearly say if that “lady” had been his sister or daughter her abuser….I’ll rephrase what he said. Your abuser would have had to answer to him in so many words.

Dream_n

October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm

And the couple was not even married.

Don’t know what this has to do with anything….

My dad, my brother, and my uncles are not men of talking.. They are very brutal men when it comes to their neices and daughters….

They all were ready to do some bodily harm to my guy and I was not letting that happen. It was my fault… I pleaded with them to let me handle it..and they did.

Do you honestly think they sat there and just nodded their head.. No Raqi they were upset, but I knew when they went to him, they were not going to talk and I did not want them to harm him.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RAQI :lol:

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:27 pm

Afternoon All,

Not sure if you are all on topic. But I will make this quick. Wisey you are right we should discuss this..Hiding in the sand or taking the its not me its them route..bad form.
Ok One…society has changed no longer is DV about male pride or whatever else they are spouting. DV is about frustrated, angry people period. We read it, we watch it, we see it. It happens in the old, young, rich, poor, black, white, yellow, whateva. DV happens because someone who is feeling powerless at work, lashes out at the one place they have power and that is their love ones. We have all experienced frustration(my son has driven me to the point of cussing on more than a notion) but the fact that I like breathing fresh air, and going and coming as I please that I control my emotions. Some folks don’t care. Because they feel crappy about their job, station in life, bad traffic, or flat out angry at what they feel is the crap-o-la hand life has dealt them and they lose it on the ones they love.

Now off topic but not really..@For Real.. You want to tell me why your two Clayton Co cousins are over at the middle school showing their tails over a love note from Facebook? <<<<<This is part of the reason why little Johnnie can't read.
It is increasing more and more as the economy becomes worse and worse(recession maybe over on Wall Street, but is beans and soup bones in middle america).

I am not making excuses for anyone..but I like what For Real stated that stats can be fixed.

Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)

October 29th, 2009
1:28 pm

“When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u”…..Melo I have to ^5 you on that one. Too bad more people dont take heed to that.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
1:29 pm

Dream_n to your point, two of my brothers were cops and one has done time for murder. i DARED not tell ANYONE in my family what was going on because i feared for my husband’s safety. twisted, but the sad, sad truth of my mental and emotional state (and warped sense of commitment) at the time.

Kym

October 29th, 2009
1:30 pm

Wisey why did my post get eaten in the blog clog?