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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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The Chokin’ Kind

The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.

I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here.  I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags?  How do you avoid dating an abusive person?

Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?

Have you ever dated someone whose behavior was suffocating? When did you notice it? How do you handle it?

I wanted to share a few statistics from the Domestic Awareness Project:

1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.

Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.

Over 22 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men surveyed, reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.

It’s staggering looking at the numbers, but behind these statistics are real people, who have experienced painful abuse. What more can be done to raise awareness?

Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women? In a call to men, the Domestic Violence Awareness project listed the first thing men can do: Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?

250 comments Add your comment

GAPeaches

October 29th, 2009
10:24 am

very good topic, but too heavy for this group IMO. Be ready for a topic change.

texasboy

October 29th, 2009
10:36 am

I believe everybody both man and woman should keep thier hands to themselves in a realtionship.

kinderbabe

October 29th, 2009
10:37 am

very, very interesting that there are no comments…hmmmm. GAPeaches, i think you’re right. gonna be nothing but crickets on this one.

domestic violence is not just a problem for women. it’s a problem for men too. there are a number of men who are being abused emotionally, mentally and physically by their mates.

i haven’t dated anyone who has been physically abusive or abused (that i know of). it’s a very taboo subject and i’m not sure a man would exactly admit that he’s been an abuser or has been abused.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
10:38 am

Im gonna go a little further.. I think everyone should keep their hands and their mouths to themselves.. Words hurt more than any punch thrown because the pain cuts deeper and lasts longer..

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
10:40 am

Good morning everyone.

@GAPeaches, I agree to a certain extent that this is a rather dark and weighty subject. After my first and pleasurable jaunt here yesterday I was eagerly waiting for today’s post. This is like slamming on the brakes when trying to pull out onto the highway bound for the seaside.

I will wait and see what thoughts come across from the others. This can go in so many directions.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
10:41 am

GM All!

Certainly an important topic, Wise Diva. Lots of thoughts running through my head but none that I’m prepared to share just yet. I’ll lurk a while.

ditto DK’s comment!

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
10:41 am

Kinderbabe – Do you honestly think a dude would tell someone he was abused by a woman? Thats why it happens sooo much to men cause if we call the police.. They think its funny and he’s being a B!tch.. Then our friends.. Come on.. Its more Woody and Esters out there than we care to talk about..

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...

October 29th, 2009
10:42 am

Three Words Daily – Every day counts.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...

October 29th, 2009
10:44 am

Reading JUST the title – I so thought that we were going in a different direction with this topic.

Er, um….Don’t mind me. :grin:

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
10:48 am

Forgot to update my countdown.

Speaking of mouths to themselves – Last week at Uptown, Paul Mooney said that only really, really scared people bite you. He says that Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield because he was scared he was about to get his butt beat. And that Chris Brown beat Rihanna cause she was in that car whuppin up on the right side of his behind.

And on the serious side of this, I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

kinderbabe – The blog didn’t open until nearly 1030a this morning.

abc

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

Men that physically abuse women and/or children should be locked in a room with 5 or 6 very large guys, who would beat the sht out him repeatedly. I shake my head at men who weren’t taught at an early age that you never hit a girl. I was taught that not only is it just plain wrong, but that you’ll lose no matter what if you hit a girl.

On the flip side, I’ve had chicks that wanted to beat on me. Long ago, I gained the habit of telling new chicks point blank, “No Hitting, if you hit me, I’m through, period.” It’s not fair for a chick to be punching on a guy that they know won’t hit them back.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
10:51 am

what the heck …. i’ll put a lil’ bit out there. my marriage was physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally abusive. result … i’m hesitant now. and i’m finding it hard to tell the difference between being protected and cherished and being controlled. to be on the safe side, i just keep everyone at a safe distance. i pray on this constantly but i’m still (overly) cautious.

MsM

October 29th, 2009
11:00 am

Met I guy once who told his side of a domestic violence case with his now ex-wife, of course, he said she lied on him… then a few weeks later must have forgotten he’d talked about it and made the comment about something on TV and how he would have slapped the he*l*l out of the female character , in the dialog back and forth between us he made it quite clear to me where he stood… last time I talked/saw dude… I was so out of there.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:01 am

I would have to disagree with DK in saying that words hurt deeper than a physically abusive relationship. As a woman who has delt with both senerios I would have gladly taken the verbal abuse over butt whoppins anyday because although the scars heal the memories last a life time. I would agree however that most men would deny being any part of an abusive relationship be it perpetrator or victim because the subject is so taboo. As far as women keeping their hands to themselves yes, but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions? One question I have for the men is have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who has been abused? How has it affected your relationship?

MR. Unknown = Annoyed

October 29th, 2009
11:02 am

Heavy,, I was taught not to hit a woman as a kid ,, but I was never taught how to handle a woman that is on the attack with her mouth peice… I never understood how women are held to a different standard when it comes to abuse.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:05 am

Wise: You have to be careful when reporting the stats that you posted. DV is an industry like everything else. Pad your number the more money you receive. “Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.” – This is an overly broad statement with no notion that female commit violence. In other words that statement is saying only men are responsible for DV. Which is just not true and you can spend a weekend looking at Snapped to confirm it. However, there are several studies out that show DV is almost equal (51% men – 49% women) between the sexes.

czBrat

October 29th, 2009
11:06 am

because although the scars heal the memories last a life time

i believe that’s exactly why DK said what he said.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

Now as for the numbers you posted for rape, they do not include false accusations. If you travel to the various law enforcement office throughtout this state you will get a different definition of rape from each unit. That being said, studies have proven the 1 n 6 women rape stat to be false.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

I am not about to hit ANY dude. EVER. One time I did get big and bad enough, a former bf and I were having a Cheaters style confrontation at the QT on Sidney Marcus. In front of about 15 people in the parking lot, I ‘dinked’ him up side the head with my finger. That resulted in him putting his arms around my neck (And not in a loving fashion.) Dude was 6′4 and linebacker built at about 285 pounds. (That was so not a smart move on my part.)

When the police came, it would have been him going to jail if I had chosen to press charges.

These days, I would dare hit, slap or ‘dink’ a damn dude.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:08 am

Wise Diva

October 29th, 2009
11:11 am

My apologies for the opening the blog so late! This is the PERFECT topic for THIS blog, in my opinion. I am sure the topic will change, but I do hope there is some discussion about ways we can raise awareness.

BackandAtIt

October 29th, 2009
11:13 am

Very heavy topic, but a good one that should be explored. I’ve dealt with abuse previously and it can sneak up on you, especially when tempers are flying on both ends and things get out of hand. If you’ve never dealt with it before, you may not recognize what could lead to abuse. In hindsight, I can see where it does involve control and the inability to deal with emotions. Alot of it immaturity emotion wise. Also, not recognizing what your boundaries are in what to reasonably expect in a relationship or from another person. And it can apply to men and women

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:16 am

I can truly say that right now – I don’t know of any one that is admitting to being in a DV situation.

Although…my auntie Kisha seems like she might shake uncle Jeremy up a little bit er now and then. She’s got a crazy temper.

abc

October 29th, 2009
11:17 am

Chicks that want to argue and fight all the time get ditched. That’s the correct way to handle them, Mr. Unknown.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:18 am

The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law.

Mo (chaneneling Grouchy Smurf)

October 29th, 2009
11:19 am

okay I dealt with verbal abuse and I swear the scars it leaves are no joke. I was called everything under the sun BUT a child of God and I could ever understand how someone could spew such venom at you and then claim they love you. (I know anger can take over sometimes but dayum) I realized one day though after watching how he interacted with his family, mainly his mother, that dude had no accountability for what he said. In his world, if he felt it/thought it/etc then he said it no matter how crazy/hurtful/disrespectful it was. Now I know it sounds old fashioned that I mentioned how he spoke to his mother specifically but since this dude had very few females in his family, how he talked with her raised a red flag. Hindsight taken, I should have never endured as much as I did, but lesson learned.

I also remember years ago when I first joined the real working world, I had a manager that was killed by her abusive husband.

I would tell any person to kick rocks if any person ever abuses you in anyway in a relationship, its simply not worth it.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:19 am

Data is always manipulated but Im suprised For real was able to find a study that showed the percentage of DV so close, thats good it means men are atleast starting to acknowlege abuse in their relationships. I knew a guy that was being physically and verbally abused. I would talk to him and say, that girl is crazy and she is abusing you and he would blow it off. She would beat him with pots, pans, curling irons, shoes, push him down stairs but he refused to acknowlege it and they are still together.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:20 am

woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive?

where is the self control??? hahaha

so u mean only a man shld control his hands and the woman cant control her mouth?? Melt_me?? u serious??

Abuse is abuse, whether physical,emotional or verbal,dont water it down simply coz the scar may not be visually visible.

U say u wld have preferred taking the physical abuse…its women like u who perpetuate abuse in our society coz u excuse one form of abuse over the others.Some women will use the abuse that they are good at,verbal over the one they arent good at,physical and vice versa.
Theyre are women out there who dwnright beat on husbands and boyfriends,so dont down play one form simply coz thats the one u prefer.

Abuse is wrong and dont engage in it. Period!

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:24 am

“Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women?”

My parents taught me never to hit a woman & I never have nor will I. If I ever have a son of my own, he will be taught the same (for that matter, if I have a daughter she will be taught the same). Apart from that, I’m not sure what else anyone could be expected to do? At some point, people who are in an abusive relationship have to take responsibility for the fact that they are still in the relationship even after it has become abusive. I can promise you, the first time any woman I’m with tries to beat my arse, I’m out. Period. End of story.

Atlanta Gentleman

October 29th, 2009
11:24 am

@ Melt_me – Yes, I had at one time started a relationship with a woman who had come from an abusive one. It didn’t last long as she hadn’t dealt with her pain from it and like czBrat related, she had trouble dealing with a ‘normal’ relationship and understandably so. I couldn’t or didn’t know how to deal with that extensive of an issue.

Abuse comes from several sources but I believe it is a learned behavior, outside of any mental issues. As children grow they can only draw on what is shown to them. The other source is pain, just like suicide is anger turned inward, people with internal emotional pain will strike out. Whether it be from lack of self esteem or true painful experiences delivered during childhood.

As far as any woman being abusive to me, no not really but I did have a woman start to stalk me one time.

Talk about a track record, no wonder I haven’t been out there in a while.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:25 am

Melo I think you should read my 11:19

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:29 am

Let me restate something that I said earlier because….well, just because….

“I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.”

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:29 am

Ur 11.19 is cool with me Melt_me..are u saying u attoning that for ur 11.01 which full of hypocrisy??

u want self control on tha part of men when they physically abuse but no control for women when they verbally abuse??
Am i reading that right?? or u since changed on reflection per 11.19?

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:33 am

When a woman “lies”? proly,to a man and says,”these kids arent urs and ur tools are useless and wrthless!”", females dont know how much emotional turmoil that causes to any man…….and the self esteem issues that causes that man henceforth. Verbal abuse with far reaching repurcasions,long after the relatioship has ended.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 29th, 2009
11:33 am

For Real – The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law. Speak on it…

And I’ll add one more.. Consequences for those that lie about it..

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:34 am

Also, giving real thought to what can be done about it, I really don’t know. I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type. So, I have no answers.

Even at my angriest wth Shthead or the ex, I didn’t want to strike out at them physically.

My 53cent psychological advice would be to find other ways to channel that anger and agression and to learn to remain conscious of the consequences and repurcussions of EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO even in anger.

For me, I think that is what I see as the truest sign of maturity awareness of and taking responsibility for ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS and managing those actions with that in mind.

Leggs

October 29th, 2009
11:34 am

@SCool ~ I too thought it was going down a different avenue.

I have never been abused physically. Some harsh words were hurled at me by my ex, but that’s the extent and those words never made an imprint on my soul.

@AtlGent ~ sorry you had to pump your brakes :lol: Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:35 am

Swiss/abc: I have two sons and it’s easy to say never hit a girl back in our/your/abc’s day (cause abc old and neither one of us was in his day) but these lil heffers today are no joke. They know they can hit a boy and will not get into trouble. A lil girl 10yo split a lil boy 10yo head with a stapler cause he didn’t like her. I’m sorry, a female body isn’t more valuable than a man’s body. Everyone has a right to protect themself.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:38 am

Hell, I never even called Shthead a piece of sht and told him what I really thought about his sorry ass actions until after we’d been broken up for over a month and he called me harassing me and talking down to me.

I don’t engage in verbal abuse of my mate because I don’t need to tear him down in order to build myself up no matter what the issues that he and I may face. Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire. And I am thankful to God to have found someone who sees things the same way I do.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:39 am

What can be done about DV?

Like DK said: “Consequences” but they would have to be equal. I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:41 am

Scool: “Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire.” – Don’t give that punk anymore excuses for his poor behavior and lackluster ethics.

Melt_me

October 29th, 2009
11:42 am

Melo now that you have had time to read it, I dont deny that abuse is abuse but in my situation the torment and memories of the physical abuse outweighed the torent of the verbal but both were terrible experiences. Many women have a totally different response. I know that many women talk down to men and are disrespecful and I never said that wasnt abuse, but in the case of a smart mouth woman are you saying that that is an excuse for a woman to be beat up? If you do then I think that YOU would be the type of person that is perpetuating abuse in society. Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason) and say well she was talking slick she got what she deserved. I would say thats the type of woman you need to leave alone the first time she says somthing out the way. And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:42 am

And I don’t get these people who think it’s cute to talk crazy to each other and curse each other out and all that ish. Yes, I curse like a sailor, but I am not going to curse at my man or curse him out. I am also not going to call him out of his name or disrespect his person during an argument.

That mess is like hammering nails in a fence. You can pull the nails out but the holes are still there.

When discussing tense matters, I prefer to stay focused on the issues. It keeps ish more simple.

abc

October 29th, 2009
11:44 am

I’m not that old. Okay, maybe I am! I taught my sons to never hit a girl, and they haven’t, and they won’t. The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.

That goes for what Melo is talking about, too. Chicks love to make fun of guys, with disregard for the effects, and attribute hard feelings to so-called ‘fragile male ego’. I have no use for chicks like that, nobody does.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

For Real – I was so NOT talking about Shthead when I said that. I was referring to my current relationship and meaning that I don’t have to attack MND personally to make a point when we are discussing something.

Now, cheatin’ ass Shthead can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned.

For Real

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

Melt-me: Yes the numbers are starting to disprove the lies that organizations like NOW try to push to further their agenda and funding. I think it was ABC that ran a special that showed a man yelling and screaming at a woman and the reaction from bystanders was to call the police or step in. When they reversed the situation all the women bystanders yelled out “You Go Girl” and the laughed. I’ll try to find clip and post it for you.

Melo

October 29th, 2009
11:45 am

What can be done about DV?

i wld rather we ask,”what can we do to avoid DV?”"

And i opine that self control is the key.When u get angry to the point of wanting to hurl tha most visciuos verbal attack,STOP and move away to coool that temper.Extricate urself from the situation and go smewhere if need be,where u recollect, clam down and process to allow u to think clearer without emotion.
If need be,cut ties. Thats how DV can be avoided.

i'm swiss

October 29th, 2009
11:46 am

“I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.”

Yeah, sadly that’s often the case. My best friend had to deal w/ that in his divorce. I’ve known this dude since 2nd grade & the guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, but his ex-wife tried to claim abuse during the divorce. (The reality was, *she* was the abusive one — she even stabbed the dude with a fork once) Fortunately, it didn’t work, but it still cost him a boatload of $$ in legal fees to defend himself.

MR. Unknown = Annoyed

October 29th, 2009
11:48 am

For any man to admit being abused is like saying he a punk or view as being weak…
Here’s a real question,,,, how many bruths have come close I mean really close to being physical with a woman… I raise my hand,, Its not fun to run up out of a house because you are about to drill said girl for crossing that verbal boundary… I was taught to never hit a woman, but I was also taught to physically fight when standing up for myself… I think the lines get blurred… I never hit a woman before, I can say that.
Someone said that women that like to fight and argue get ditched.. ?!? How is that resolving the problem of DV.. Because those same women that got ditched are going to find the right guy thats going to beat that A%%… When do women accept their role, thats my question…