The Chokin’ Kind
The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.
I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here. I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags? How do you avoid dating an abusive person?
Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?
Have you ever dated someone whose behavior was suffocating? When did you notice it? How do you handle it?
I wanted to share a few statistics from the Domestic Awareness Project:
1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced an attempted or completed rape.
Three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner each day in America, on average.
Over 22 percent of women and 7.4 percent of men surveyed, reported being physically assaulted by a current or former partner in their lifetime.
It’s staggering looking at the numbers, but behind these statistics are real people, who have experienced painful abuse. What more can be done to raise awareness?
Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women? In a call to men, the Domestic Violence Awareness project listed the first thing men can do: Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?
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250 comments Add your comment
GAPeaches
October 29th, 2009
10:24 am
very good topic, but too heavy for this group IMO. Be ready for a topic change.
texasboy
October 29th, 2009
10:36 am
I believe everybody both man and woman should keep thier hands to themselves in a realtionship.
kinderbabe
October 29th, 2009
10:37 am
very, very interesting that there are no comments…hmmmm. GAPeaches, i think you’re right. gonna be nothing but crickets on this one.
domestic violence is not just a problem for women. it’s a problem for men too. there are a number of men who are being abused emotionally, mentally and physically by their mates.
i haven’t dated anyone who has been physically abusive or abused (that i know of). it’s a very taboo subject and i’m not sure a man would exactly admit that he’s been an abuser or has been abused.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 29th, 2009
10:38 am
Im gonna go a little further.. I think everyone should keep their hands and their mouths to themselves.. Words hurt more than any punch thrown because the pain cuts deeper and lasts longer..
Atlanta Gentleman
October 29th, 2009
10:40 am
Good morning everyone.
@GAPeaches, I agree to a certain extent that this is a rather dark and weighty subject. After my first and pleasurable jaunt here yesterday I was eagerly waiting for today’s post. This is like slamming on the brakes when trying to pull out onto the highway bound for the seaside.
I will wait and see what thoughts come across from the others. This can go in so many directions.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
10:41 am
GM All!
Certainly an important topic, Wise Diva. Lots of thoughts running through my head but none that I’m prepared to share just yet. I’ll lurk a while.
ditto DK’s comment!
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 29th, 2009
10:41 am
Kinderbabe – Do you honestly think a dude would tell someone he was abused by a woman? Thats why it happens sooo much to men cause if we call the police.. They think its funny and he’s being a B!tch.. Then our friends.. Come on.. Its more Woody and Esters out there than we care to talk about..
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...
October 29th, 2009
10:42 am
Three Words Daily – Every day counts.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 3days...
October 29th, 2009
10:44 am
Reading JUST the title – I so thought that we were going in a different direction with this topic.
Er, um….Don’t mind me.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
10:48 am
Forgot to update my countdown.
Speaking of mouths to themselves – Last week at Uptown, Paul Mooney said that only really, really scared people bite you. He says that Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield because he was scared he was about to get his butt beat. And that Chris Brown beat Rihanna cause she was in that car whuppin up on the right side of his behind.
And on the serious side of this, I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
10:51 am
kinderbabe – The blog didn’t open until nearly 1030a this morning.
abc
October 29th, 2009
10:51 am
Men that physically abuse women and/or children should be locked in a room with 5 or 6 very large guys, who would beat the sht out him repeatedly. I shake my head at men who weren’t taught at an early age that you never hit a girl. I was taught that not only is it just plain wrong, but that you’ll lose no matter what if you hit a girl.
On the flip side, I’ve had chicks that wanted to beat on me. Long ago, I gained the habit of telling new chicks point blank, “No Hitting, if you hit me, I’m through, period.” It’s not fair for a chick to be punching on a guy that they know won’t hit them back.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
10:51 am
what the heck …. i’ll put a lil’ bit out there. my marriage was physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally abusive. result … i’m hesitant now. and i’m finding it hard to tell the difference between being protected and cherished and being controlled. to be on the safe side, i just keep everyone at a safe distance. i pray on this constantly but i’m still (overly) cautious.
MsM
October 29th, 2009
11:00 am
Met I guy once who told his side of a domestic violence case with his now ex-wife, of course, he said she lied on him… then a few weeks later must have forgotten he’d talked about it and made the comment about something on TV and how he would have slapped the he*l*l out of the female character , in the dialog back and forth between us he made it quite clear to me where he stood… last time I talked/saw dude… I was so out of there.
Melt_me
October 29th, 2009
11:01 am
I would have to disagree with DK in saying that words hurt deeper than a physically abusive relationship. As a woman who has delt with both senerios I would have gladly taken the verbal abuse over butt whoppins anyday because although the scars heal the memories last a life time. I would agree however that most men would deny being any part of an abusive relationship be it perpetrator or victim because the subject is so taboo. As far as women keeping their hands to themselves yes, but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions? One question I have for the men is have you ever been in a relationship with a woman who has been abused? How has it affected your relationship?
MR. Unknown = Annoyed
October 29th, 2009
11:02 am
Heavy,, I was taught not to hit a woman as a kid ,, but I was never taught how to handle a woman that is on the attack with her mouth peice… I never understood how women are held to a different standard when it comes to abuse.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:05 am
Wise: You have to be careful when reporting the stats that you posted. DV is an industry like everything else. Pad your number the more money you receive. “Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women.” – This is an overly broad statement with no notion that female commit violence. In other words that statement is saying only men are responsible for DV. Which is just not true and you can spend a weekend looking at Snapped to confirm it. However, there are several studies out that show DV is almost equal (51% men – 49% women) between the sexes.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
11:06 am
because although the scars heal the memories last a life time
i believe that’s exactly why DK said what he said.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:08 am
Now as for the numbers you posted for rape, they do not include false accusations. If you travel to the various law enforcement office throughtout this state you will get a different definition of rape from each unit. That being said, studies have proven the 1 n 6 women rape stat to be false.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:08 am
I am not about to hit ANY dude. EVER. One time I did get big and bad enough, a former bf and I were having a Cheaters style confrontation at the QT on Sidney Marcus. In front of about 15 people in the parking lot, I ‘dinked’ him up side the head with my finger. That resulted in him putting his arms around my neck (And not in a loving fashion.) Dude was 6′4 and linebacker built at about 285 pounds. (That was so not a smart move on my part.)
When the police came, it would have been him going to jail if I had chosen to press charges.
These days, I would dare hit, slap or ‘dink’ a damn dude.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:08 am
would NOT
Wise Diva
October 29th, 2009
11:11 am
My apologies for the opening the blog so late! This is the PERFECT topic for THIS blog, in my opinion. I am sure the topic will change, but I do hope there is some discussion about ways we can raise awareness.
BackandAtIt
October 29th, 2009
11:13 am
Very heavy topic, but a good one that should be explored. I’ve dealt with abuse previously and it can sneak up on you, especially when tempers are flying on both ends and things get out of hand. If you’ve never dealt with it before, you may not recognize what could lead to abuse. In hindsight, I can see where it does involve control and the inability to deal with emotions. Alot of it immaturity emotion wise. Also, not recognizing what your boundaries are in what to reasonably expect in a relationship or from another person. And it can apply to men and women
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:16 am
I can truly say that right now – I don’t know of any one that is admitting to being in a DV situation.
Although…my auntie Kisha seems like she might shake uncle Jeremy up a little bit er now and then. She’s got a crazy temper.
abc
October 29th, 2009
11:17 am
Chicks that want to argue and fight all the time get ditched. That’s the correct way to handle them, Mr. Unknown.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:18 am
The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law.
Mo (chaneneling Grouchy Smurf)
October 29th, 2009
11:19 am
okay I dealt with verbal abuse and I swear the scars it leaves are no joke. I was called everything under the sun BUT a child of God and I could ever understand how someone could spew such venom at you and then claim they love you. (I know anger can take over sometimes but dayum) I realized one day though after watching how he interacted with his family, mainly his mother, that dude had no accountability for what he said. In his world, if he felt it/thought it/etc then he said it no matter how crazy/hurtful/disrespectful it was. Now I know it sounds old fashioned that I mentioned how he spoke to his mother specifically but since this dude had very few females in his family, how he talked with her raised a red flag. Hindsight taken, I should have never endured as much as I did, but lesson learned.
I also remember years ago when I first joined the real working world, I had a manager that was killed by her abusive husband.
I would tell any person to kick rocks if any person ever abuses you in anyway in a relationship, its simply not worth it.
Melt_me
October 29th, 2009
11:19 am
Data is always manipulated but Im suprised For real was able to find a study that showed the percentage of DV so close, thats good it means men are atleast starting to acknowlege abuse in their relationships. I knew a guy that was being physically and verbally abused. I would talk to him and say, that girl is crazy and she is abusing you and he would blow it off. She would beat him with pots, pans, curling irons, shoes, push him down stairs but he refused to acknowlege it and they are still together.
Melo
October 29th, 2009
11:20 am
woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive?
where is the self control??? hahaha
so u mean only a man shld control his hands and the woman cant control her mouth?? Melt_me?? u serious??
Abuse is abuse, whether physical,emotional or verbal,dont water it down simply coz the scar may not be visually visible.
U say u wld have preferred taking the physical abuse…its women like u who perpetuate abuse in our society coz u excuse one form of abuse over the others.Some women will use the abuse that they are good at,verbal over the one they arent good at,physical and vice versa.
Theyre are women out there who dwnright beat on husbands and boyfriends,so dont down play one form simply coz thats the one u prefer.
Abuse is wrong and dont engage in it. Period!
i'm swiss
October 29th, 2009
11:24 am
“Do you think that men should do more to end violence against women?”
My parents taught me never to hit a woman & I never have nor will I. If I ever have a son of my own, he will be taught the same (for that matter, if I have a daughter she will be taught the same). Apart from that, I’m not sure what else anyone could be expected to do? At some point, people who are in an abusive relationship have to take responsibility for the fact that they are still in the relationship even after it has become abusive. I can promise you, the first time any woman I’m with tries to beat my arse, I’m out. Period. End of story.
Atlanta Gentleman
October 29th, 2009
11:24 am
@ Melt_me – Yes, I had at one time started a relationship with a woman who had come from an abusive one. It didn’t last long as she hadn’t dealt with her pain from it and like czBrat related, she had trouble dealing with a ‘normal’ relationship and understandably so. I couldn’t or didn’t know how to deal with that extensive of an issue.
Abuse comes from several sources but I believe it is a learned behavior, outside of any mental issues. As children grow they can only draw on what is shown to them. The other source is pain, just like suicide is anger turned inward, people with internal emotional pain will strike out. Whether it be from lack of self esteem or true painful experiences delivered during childhood.
As far as any woman being abusive to me, no not really but I did have a woman start to stalk me one time.
Talk about a track record, no wonder I haven’t been out there in a while.
Melt_me
October 29th, 2009
11:25 am
Melo I think you should read my 11:19
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:29 am
Let me restate something that I said earlier because….well, just because….
“I deplore abuse in any form, but I truly believe that the worse abuse is the kind that mutilates your self esteem and leaves scars on your soul.”
Melo
October 29th, 2009
11:29 am
Ur 11.19 is cool with me Melt_me..are u saying u attoning that for ur 11.01 which full of hypocrisy??
u want self control on tha part of men when they physically abuse but no control for women when they verbally abuse??
Am i reading that right?? or u since changed on reflection per 11.19?
Melo
October 29th, 2009
11:33 am
When a woman “lies”? proly,to a man and says,”these kids arent urs and ur tools are useless and wrthless!”", females dont know how much emotional turmoil that causes to any man…….and the self esteem issues that causes that man henceforth. Verbal abuse with far reaching repurcasions,long after the relatioship has ended.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 29th, 2009
11:33 am
For Real – The problem with DV is accountability, self-control and the law. Speak on it…
And I’ll add one more.. Consequences for those that lie about it..
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:34 am
Also, giving real thought to what can be done about it, I really don’t know. I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type. So, I have no answers.
Even at my angriest wth Shthead or the ex, I didn’t want to strike out at them physically.
My 53cent psychological advice would be to find other ways to channel that anger and agression and to learn to remain conscious of the consequences and repurcussions of EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO even in anger.
For me, I think that is what I see as the truest sign of maturity awareness of and taking responsibility for ALL OF YOUR ACTIONS and managing those actions with that in mind.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
11:34 am
@SCool ~ I too thought it was going down a different avenue.
I have never been abused physically. Some harsh words were hurled at me by my ex, but that’s the extent and those words never made an imprint on my soul.
@AtlGent ~ sorry you had to pump your brakes
Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:35 am
Swiss/abc: I have two sons and it’s easy to say never hit a girl back in our/your/abc’s day (cause abc old and neither one of us was in his day) but these lil heffers today are no joke. They know they can hit a boy and will not get into trouble. A lil girl 10yo split a lil boy 10yo head with a stapler cause he didn’t like her. I’m sorry, a female body isn’t more valuable than a man’s body. Everyone has a right to protect themself.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:38 am
Hell, I never even called Shthead a piece of sht and told him what I really thought about his sorry ass actions until after we’d been broken up for over a month and he called me harassing me and talking down to me.
I don’t engage in verbal abuse of my mate because I don’t need to tear him down in order to build myself up no matter what the issues that he and I may face. Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire. And I am thankful to God to have found someone who sees things the same way I do.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:39 am
What can be done about DV?
Like DK said: “Consequences” but they would have to be equal. I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:41 am
Scool: “Besides, as a Black man, he is already attacked enough and deals with enough affronts daily without me adding fuel to that fire.” – Don’t give that punk anymore excuses for his poor behavior and lackluster ethics.
Melt_me
October 29th, 2009
11:42 am
Melo now that you have had time to read it, I dont deny that abuse is abuse but in my situation the torment and memories of the physical abuse outweighed the torent of the verbal but both were terrible experiences. Many women have a totally different response. I know that many women talk down to men and are disrespecful and I never said that wasnt abuse, but in the case of a smart mouth woman are you saying that that is an excuse for a woman to be beat up? If you do then I think that YOU would be the type of person that is perpetuating abuse in society. Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason) and say well she was talking slick she got what she deserved. I would say thats the type of woman you need to leave alone the first time she says somthing out the way. And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:42 am
And I don’t get these people who think it’s cute to talk crazy to each other and curse each other out and all that ish. Yes, I curse like a sailor, but I am not going to curse at my man or curse him out. I am also not going to call him out of his name or disrespect his person during an argument.
That mess is like hammering nails in a fence. You can pull the nails out but the holes are still there.
When discussing tense matters, I prefer to stay focused on the issues. It keeps ish more simple.
abc
October 29th, 2009
11:44 am
I’m not that old. Okay, maybe I am! I taught my sons to never hit a girl, and they haven’t, and they won’t. The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.
That goes for what Melo is talking about, too. Chicks love to make fun of guys, with disregard for the effects, and attribute hard feelings to so-called ‘fragile male ego’. I have no use for chicks like that, nobody does.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
11:45 am
For Real – I was so NOT talking about Shthead when I said that. I was referring to my current relationship and meaning that I don’t have to attack MND personally to make a point when we are discussing something.
Now, cheatin’ ass Shthead can go straight to hell as far as I’m concerned.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:45 am
Melt-me: Yes the numbers are starting to disprove the lies that organizations like NOW try to push to further their agenda and funding. I think it was ABC that ran a special that showed a man yelling and screaming at a woman and the reaction from bystanders was to call the police or step in. When they reversed the situation all the women bystanders yelled out “You Go Girl” and the laughed. I’ll try to find clip and post it for you.
Melo
October 29th, 2009
11:45 am
What can be done about DV?
i wld rather we ask,”what can we do to avoid DV?”"
And i opine that self control is the key.When u get angry to the point of wanting to hurl tha most visciuos verbal attack,STOP and move away to coool that temper.Extricate urself from the situation and go smewhere if need be,where u recollect, clam down and process to allow u to think clearer without emotion.
If need be,cut ties. Thats how DV can be avoided.
i'm swiss
October 29th, 2009
11:46 am
“I have seen too many man lives ruined because of false DV. It’s the first step in a divorce.”
Yeah, sadly that’s often the case. My best friend had to deal w/ that in his divorce. I’ve known this dude since 2nd grade & the guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, but his ex-wife tried to claim abuse during the divorce. (The reality was, *she* was the abusive one — she even stabbed the dude with a fork once) Fortunately, it didn’t work, but it still cost him a boatload of $$ in legal fees to defend himself.
MR. Unknown = Annoyed
October 29th, 2009
11:48 am
For any man to admit being abused is like saying he a punk or view as being weak…
Here’s a real question,,,, how many bruths have come close I mean really close to being physical with a woman… I raise my hand,, Its not fun to run up out of a house because you are about to drill said girl for crossing that verbal boundary… I was taught to never hit a woman, but I was also taught to physically fight when standing up for myself… I think the lines get blurred… I never hit a woman before, I can say that.
Someone said that women that like to fight and argue get ditched.. ?!? How is that resolving the problem of DV.. Because those same women that got ditched are going to find the right guy thats going to beat that A%%… When do women accept their role, thats my question…
Melt_me
October 29th, 2009
11:49 am
I think For real is right about accountability and also education on the subject, knowning the signs and flags, knowing what to avoid.
i'm swiss
October 29th, 2009
11:50 am
“The only way any of us will defend ourselves against such abuse by chicks is to ensure we’re not available to them.”
abc / For Real — I’ve gotta co-sign abc’s statement above. I’m never got to get involved with any chic that shows tendencies for abusive behavior. And at the first sign of any such tendency, I’m out — long before anything life-threatening occurs.
Now, if some random chick that I don’t know from Eve runs up on me & tries to jack me, I will f@#k her up….
Melo
October 29th, 2009
11:50 am
And since you seem so passionate about it maybe you should start working with men and women who’s lives have been changed by DV
u proly more passionate about it than me,seeing that u are a victim.
But it dont sound like u objective tho,which does not surprsie me.
When u say a “slick” mouth,what kind of “slick” qualifies as non abusive and what kind of non-slick is abusive.I bet u using “slick” as a euphamism to hide the real damnage ot the words.
Educate me on that??
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
11:51 am
I cannot put my mind around what might go on in the mind of an abuser – physical or any other type.
SexyCool control.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
11:52 am
Scool: I was talking about Ishhead too.
Melt-me: “Dont get me wrong, if it seems that Im saying its okay for women to say and do what they want and have no consequences thats not it but what i am saying is it is wrong for a man to hit a woman (for any reason)” – You can’t have it both ways. If verbal abuse exist for women then it exist for men. Consequences, Consequences, Consequences… Beside, it’s funny how chicks know when and who they can flip off at the mouth with….
Chick: You limp dyck, ugly, stankin, no good bastard. And yo mammy’s a hoe!
Other Chick: You do realize that’s Mike! As in Mike Tyson!
Chick: I wasn’t talking bout Mike! I was talkin to abc.
i'm swiss
October 29th, 2009
11:52 am
Oops… that should have read “I’m never going to get involved…”
BackandAtIt
October 29th, 2009
11:53 am
@forreal. I have to deal with the same as a mother with two boys. I strongly do not advocate a boy hitting a girl and tell my sons in a heartbeat. Yet it goes both ways-it is not okay for a girl to hit a boy either. And while my sons are taught to respect that fact, that doesn’t meant that some of these girls are being taught the same.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
11:55 am
And here I thought that “imprint on my soul” was an original, but I see SCool said the same thing!
I remember when I picked up a lamp to knock the living daylights out of my ex, and just as quickly remembered lil leggs was upstairs and I didn’t want to go to jail. That’s the only time I came close to DV. Instead I did the next best thing. Filed my papers!
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 29th, 2009
11:55 am
I’ve spoken to great lengths about how a false DV charge That were droppoed and dismissed made me lose full custody of my son. My Ex knew she would lose custody if she didnt get me out the house.. I was the primary caregiver, so what does she do.. She comes home late (5am) starts an arguement cause I locked her out gets the police and they take me to jail.. Was I angry? No doubt.. Did I hit that woman? No and I put that on my sons life.. Did we argue? Of course but thru the glass screen door.. So when she got the police.. Taking her shoes off and sobbing uncontrollably (mind you she had just come home), I thought it was funny, but by the end of the situation I was snatched out my house, cuffed, stuffed and hauled off to jail.. I spent the next 9 months fighting it.. The county kept trying to get me to cop a plea with no marks on her, no evidence that anything happened. They would always do it when I was sitting out in the lobby waiting on court to begin before my lawyer got there.. So this is a very touchy situation for me because Ive never put my hands on a woman a day in my life but spent a huge amount of money fighting bogus charges and after they knew nothing happened nothing happened to her. The killer was the judge on the bench was a victim of domestic violence.. If that isnt a conflict of interest I dont know what is..
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
11:58 am
GM All…
I so was not ready for this topic…but i guess when dealing with dating you have to cover all aspects and unfortunately this is one of them…
I despise abuse of any kind coming from a man/woman…
I think it’s absolutely wrong and cowardly!
Whether it be physical/mental/verbal abuse it’s just not something you want to be associated with.
Coming from a verbal/physical abusive relationship, it’s scary at times. I’ve been pushed about 3x’s and choked once. The verbal abuse was more consistant. It first began with jealousy… I interpreted his questions of .. Where were you/Where are you going/ Why didn’t you answer as being concerned and I thought it was cute. I thought that him wanting to know my every move showed that he truly loved me, but I soon learned that it was a way to control me. He didn’t get verbally/physically abusive right away, but there were signs there that I didnt notice.. Like getting angry when ther was no soda(no joke). the first time he pushed me I was stunned, surprised, and in total disbelief. As soon as he saw my face he immediately apologized… I went back. Each time he pushed me I left him alone longer….I was in love with that man though, so I went back to him after the voicemails, the begging, and the gifts. The verbal was something that I could take (oddly enough at the time, no need for a long winded break)… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself… but then there would be the apology saying I didn’t mean it I just don’t want you to leave me… I then stayed…. The last straw was about 6 or 7 months ago when he choked me, that dude choked me…. put his hands around me neck and choked me!! That was it I was done, I had had it up to here with his mess… I look back and I don’t know why I stayed so long.. i could say love, i could say convenience, and I could say that I was scared noone would want me… I’ll just take all the above… After that I shut down.. his apologies were hollow.. i didnt want him anymore.. i couldn’t believe that he had choked me as if I was nothing.. as if I had not helped him get out of his moom’s house, as if I had not taken care of our daughter, as if when he lost his job.. I wasn’t there taking care of everything until he got on his feet… All that went through my head, I then started to blame myself for staying… He only did what I allowed him to do as hard as it is to admit, its the truth… So for the past months I have been living with a guy that has been trying to be the best boyfriend ever… no arguing, no hitting (simple disagreements) , but nothing major… and I wonder where this guy was for the past 3 yrs… It pains my heart to leave him, but I have gotten him accustomed to how to treat me and although he’s showing the side of him that I grew to love, I know in an instatnt he can turn around and be the man I hate……
For Real
October 29th, 2009
12:00 pm
abc/swiss: I agree that the sooner you spot those tendices in a chick you should leave. I call it the “crazy eyes”. Once I see a chick with them ain’t nothin she can say to me.
Chick: Heyyyy for real?
For Real: Hey there foxy momma what you got cookin?
Chick: Alligators!
For Real: (Screaming like a hoe in church)
Ms. Main....popping in for a second
October 29th, 2009
12:02 pm
Heavy but real topic. Never been abused. I have to agree with whomever stated yeah hurtful words carries a razor’s edge. In skimming I saw this question——> but is a woman having a nasty mouth an excuse for being physically aggressive? Where is the self control? When does the man take responsiblity for his actions?
I don’t think there’s ever a reason to smack anyone but I’m sure those that are abusive would beg to differ. Especially those that swear by the code that a potty mouthed woman is EVERY reason to knock her around a time or two in getting and demaning respect. I soooo disagree. It’s just time to go, IMO.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
12:05 pm
“… He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…” This must be boilerplate language when men want a woman to feel inferior. My ex said the samething to me, but I always laughed in his face when he said it!
@Dream_n, we all have lessons to learn as we navigate through life. Glad you opened your eyes then and now know what you need to do.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm
Oh and I went to court 8 times before they dropped the charges.. She only came to court once and didnt say a word.. They would do stupid stuff like have me show up to court to say they werent ready and to comeback on this day, only to send a letter to show up a week later.. It was the worst experience of my life.. They just assumed I had whopped her cause she said so and the judge was upset because I wouldnt cop a plea, but I wasnt guilty so i wasnt copping to anything..
Ms. Main....popping in for a second
October 29th, 2009
12:06 pm
I can’t wrap my mind around being with an abusive spouse/SO. I know it happens but I pray that I’m never approached. I already know I’m not staying but I pray I’m never approached.
For Real
October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm
DK: I’m glad you stood up for yourself and those tricks with the court date was in hopes that you wouldn’t show then they press charges.
Ms. Main....popping in for a second
October 29th, 2009
12:08 pm
He’d say that noone is going to want me, you’re stupid, I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, all other guys are going to want you for sex.. all that stuff that brings you down and makes you feel horrible about yourself…”
Like my mama ALWAYS said, if they want you someone will too
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
12:11 pm
I grew up watching Mama get beat. I was always astounded by the times I heard her provoke, egg him on to hit her. Never really appearing to care that us kids were in the other room scared shytless. We broke up a few fights, but I’m still riddled w/guilt about the one fight I didn’t break up, but felt in my bones something wasn’t right as Mama encouraged me to walk to the pizza shop so many years ago. Came back to a freaking nightmare!
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
12:12 pm
Dream_n all i can say is, “so happy to see you still with us this morning”.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
12:14 pm
Leggs
It’s funny b/c i look back and some of the stuff he said was quite comical.. as Ms Main quoted.. If he wanted me someone else will… plus with my good genes I’m sure!! lol j/k
DeMarcus
October 29th, 2009
12:15 pm
Diva has done plenty of chokin’ over the years.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
12:21 pm
Leggs & Dream_n i, too, heard those comments over and over again, and for many years i believed it. finally i said “so be it” and took the step to end the marriage.
DK your experience was horrible. if you believe in karma, people who falsely use something so vile as a tool to punish another will learn their lesson one day.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
12:23 pm
Domestic Violence is real.
IMO it’s all about control.
1. One person wanting to control another individual.
2. A person not being able to control their emotions and actions.
I think the reason so many people find themselves in abusive relationships is because they at first are not true to themselves about what is really going on. And secondly, many make excuses, the abuser and the abused alike, for their actions.
You often hear people say they react from being under a lot stress. You hear others say that their mates provoked them. I don’t care what excuse may be used, if you cannot control your actions you need to get help. However, the wrong side of that is that some don’t realize or belief that anything is wrong with them to get help for.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
12:24 pm
Oh. and he would add to those comments “beleive me, no black man will want a woman with two kids. no black man wants to raise another man’s kids”. that one REALLY put enough fear in me to make me stay. but eventually i did reach that “so be it” point and moved on. thank GOD!
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
12:26 pm
Dreams from what I remember reading in previous discussions, since you were living with your mother at the time did you not tell her what was going on?
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm
SexyCool I too thought something different from the topic itself. LOL
Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)
October 29th, 2009
12:28 pm
Interesting topic for sure….
Before they divorced, I grew up watching my father fight my mom and a few times I stopped them from fighting. Sumtimes when they usd to argue I’d stand outside the room just to make sure he didn’t hit her and to this day that’s just part of the reason I resent him. I’ve often heard that women date men who remind them of their fathers but not me. I did at one time date a guy that I ended up having a fight with and we were in that bytch moving furniture and stuff ’cause I just wasn’t about to let that shyt slide. Needless to say I broke it off after that and when I encounter crazy fools like that I bounce with the quickness cause sometimes I don’t/won’t back down and that’s not always good….so I just avoid those types of guys like the plague.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
12:29 pm
Leggs
My mom was abused also.. me being young I was scared out of my mind!!!! I thought each time he beat her was going to be her last day… traumatizing.
The one good thing, if any in my situation is that he never pushed/choked me in front of our daughter…
He always said he had an anger problem.. while I do believe that, I believe he had a selective anger problem and the intended target was me…. He could be saying some very off the wall things to me, but let my lil one come in and his entire demeanor would change…
It was scary…
Fred (the old one!)
October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm
Back when I used to keep up with the numbers, a woman was more likely to be hurt in an incident of DV and a man was more likely to be killed in an incident. This was attributed to a man being more likely to use his hands and body but a woman was more likely to use a force multiplier shuch as a knife or a gun.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 2days...
October 29th, 2009
12:30 pm
Raqi/Leggs – head nod to my fellow
freaky…er, um, creative chicks. ~lol~Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
12:32 pm
Raqi
She knew, my sis knew, my dad, my brother, my best friend…. everyone knew that was willing to listen to me in my family… and of course they told me to get out, my mom especially.. but I was in love, I was young. At one point some people washed their hands, and rightfully so, I wasn’t listening to what they were saying… i would complain and never take the advice given.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
12:34 pm
Infamous it is a sad but true fact that in cases of domestic situations a woman’s voice speaks louder than a man’s.
I remember the time I saw a woman haul of hit the guy in the car with her. She was whacking him pretty good for a sec. We called the police. While I realize the woman’s side was probably heard over his initially, I feel like even if it did take him some court visits and finances, he was better off than if the cops weren’t called at the beginning and he ended up whipping her pretty badly defending himself.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
12:38 pm
Sassy
I was scared to even try to break anything up.. My dad was the type that wanted everything in our house to stay private. We couldn’t have anyone sleeping over… We talked to our mom about our days at school or things that were bothering us.. While we respected our dad.. we dare not cross him…
Atlanta Gentleman
October 29th, 2009
12:42 pm
@Leggs – Stick around, very colorful conversations take place in blogsville. Also, welcome to the neighborhood.
Thanks for the welcome. You are not kidding about the conversations, lively stuff going here and good to see but I have too many conference calls and meetings today to keep proper track.
I will try and pop back in later today if work allows it.
Leggs
October 29th, 2009
12:46 pm
@czB ~ you see, I never once believed it. I still smile at the time when he told me how “stupid” I was to file divorce papers and how I’m taking the roof from over our daughter’s head because there’s no way I could afford the house and the monthly expenses by myself (let alone raise her). 4 years later and still smiling!!!! Broke as hell, but still smiling!
Melo
October 29th, 2009
12:50 pm
Acknowledge and understand how sexism, male dominance, and male privilege lay the foundation for all forms of violence against women. What are your thoughts?
For me and mine, i think now,we are more proactive when we have disagreements.
There is mutual trust and respect and the realization that we raising other pple in the home..so we very mindful.
We dont argue in front of our kids,we respect each other’s point of view and if it gets heated for some reason,the other party is usually quiet…not interrupting, to raise the tempers.
Iam personally more mellow in my demeanor than i used to be.Cold,like a cucumber so much that if u scream FIRE!,it dont phase me.
When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.
I think that is the key to keeping DV in check.
Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)
October 29th, 2009
12:51 pm
Dream My “sperm donor” was the type that the whole neighborhood liked and respected….the kind that’ll do anything for anyone except his wife and children. He intimidates people and is known knuckle up when approached the wrong way….but only in the streets. What I’ve come to realize is that he doesn’t like to be confronted by us(his children but mostly me cause I’ve done it several times) and my mom and I think it’s out of guilt b/c he knows whatever we confront him about is true and he can’t handle it. Now I know that he’s a mama’s boy and she means more to him than we ever did/will….so he’ll have to ride with that til he meets his maker. In the words of Big Boi….you can gone get the hell on…you and your mama…is how I’m feeling.
veit
October 29th, 2009
12:52 pm
Would like to say that I think the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I think people (male or female) that are abusers were raised in a abusive environment. Some people make the decision to never be that way and some just dont know any better, they should but they don’t. I have been in three (stepfather and two husbands) very abusive relationships becuase I thought I could HELP them (husbands) but came to realize, I could not they have to help themselves. I was also abused as a child physically, mentally and sexually. I say shame on parents who raise their kids around it and dont show them it’s wrong. Dont stay with someone for convenience or because you were raised that divorce is not acceptable. Never let a mother in law tell you that she put up with it and it will get better in a few years, just give it time. B…S…, I finally said enough in enough!!! All abusers: get help, take a class where you can deal with your anger and issues, buy a boxing bag do, remove yourself from the situation, whatever you have to because LIFE IS TO SHORT!!!
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
12:54 pm
Leggs it wasn’t so much the insults that resonated with me. it was the threats. things like “you’ll never get away from me”, “i’ll never let you take my kids”, “no other man will want your baggage”. those things really instilled a fear in me of being alone and burdened. i guess he knew me well enought to know how to get to me. but i finally realized the worst of my burden was him.
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:01 pm
I think one of the most horrifying things about domestic violence that gets overlooked is when the authorities are called to respond to such situations, the abused takes the side of the abuser. My sister and my best friend are attorneys and there are many, many cases where the abusers are taken into custody but when it’s all said and done no charges are filed by the abused and the abuse continues.
I used to watch COPS and sometimes it would be crazy when the cops get to the scene and try to handcuff the suspect the victim would try fight the cops for “man handling” their abuser. Just craziness.
Mom2two
October 29th, 2009
1:03 pm
I watched my father 6′4″ 240lbs beat the crap out of my mother 5′2″ 140lbs and partially disabled when I was growing up. He beat me and my sister as well. I tried to give him the opportunity to atone once I moved out and came back to visit and he said I deserved everything I ever got. I had to take my sister out of the house when she was still in high school since she called the cops after a beating and he got arrested. Vengeance would have been his had I not taken her. The charges were dropped since they couldn’t find my sister to testify. My mother died and I haven’t spoken to my father in over 10 years. He wonders why. Effing Idiot.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm
Mom2Two your story is the reason i finally made that move. it’s one thing for me to endure as a wife (my stupid choice), but keeping kids in a situation that could one day escalate to violence against them …. just couldn’t take that chance. not with their lives. i think it’s great that you reached back and pulled your sister out!
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
1:07 pm
When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u.
Melo very very true…. the emotions get the best of you and you tend to just react quickly rather than think it over…
Raqi...Awaiting Private Practice
October 29th, 2009
1:12 pm
Dream my marido is laying over there on the couch with his head buried in a pillow and every time I say something to him he mumbles back at me without lifting up his for me understand what he is saying.
I just told him I was reading online where a woman was being abused and her father AND brother were both aware of what was going on. And the couple was not even married. He lifted up his to clearly say if that “lady” had been his sister or daughter her abuser….I’ll rephrase what he said. Your abuser would have had to answer to him in so many words.
Dream_n
October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm
And the couple was not even married.
Don’t know what this has to do with anything….
My dad, my brother, and my uncles are not men of talking.. They are very brutal men when it comes to their neices and daughters….
They all were ready to do some bodily harm to my guy and I was not letting that happen. It was my fault… I pleaded with them to let me handle it..and they did.
Do you honestly think they sat there and just nodded their head.. No Raqi they were upset, but I knew when they went to him, they were not going to talk and I did not want them to harm him.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
1:25 pm
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY RAQI
Kym
October 29th, 2009
1:27 pm
Afternoon All,
Not sure if you are all on topic. But I will make this quick. Wisey you are right we should discuss this..Hiding in the sand or taking the its not me its them route..bad form.
Ok One…society has changed no longer is DV about male pride or whatever else they are spouting. DV is about frustrated, angry people period. We read it, we watch it, we see it. It happens in the old, young, rich, poor, black, white, yellow, whateva. DV happens because someone who is feeling powerless at work, lashes out at the one place they have power and that is their love ones. We have all experienced frustration(my son has driven me to the point of cussing on more than a notion) but the fact that I like breathing fresh air, and going and coming as I please that I control my emotions. Some folks don’t care. Because they feel crappy about their job, station in life, bad traffic, or flat out angry at what they feel is the crap-o-la hand life has dealt them and they lose it on the ones they love.
Now off topic but not really..@For Real.. You want to tell me why your two Clayton Co cousins are over at the middle school showing their tails over a love note from Facebook? <<<<<This is part of the reason why little Johnnie can't read.
It is increasing more and more as the economy becomes worse and worse(recession maybe over on Wall Street, but is beans and soup bones in middle america).
I am not making excuses for anyone..but I like what For Real stated that stats can be fixed.
Mo (aka Moeisha, today is my friday)
October 29th, 2009
1:28 pm
“When u cool headed,u tend to be more rational in ur ways than if u let anger and emotions overtake u”…..Melo I have to ^5 you on that one. Too bad more people dont take heed to that.
czBrat
October 29th, 2009
1:29 pm
Dream_n to your point, two of my brothers were cops and one has done time for murder. i DARED not tell ANYONE in my family what was going on because i feared for my husband’s safety. twisted, but the sad, sad truth of my mental and emotional state (and warped sense of commitment) at the time.
Kym
October 29th, 2009
1:30 pm
Wisey why did my post get eaten in the blog clog?