Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos. Uncomfortable and unnecessary. I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.
A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis. If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time. I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning. It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.
Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t. No amount of sex, manipulation, game playing, or coercion is going to change that. Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.
How do you handle the “seeing other people” conundrum? Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? Do you tell the person that you are running your all-stars and bench warmers?
When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette? I think we all have a different code of ethics when it comes to this, but how do you manage it with minimal drama?
If it bothered you that someone you are seeing is being vague about their dating activity, would you bring it up or let it ride? Is it really their business? If not, at what point does it become their business?
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441 comments Add your comment
Demi
October 26th, 2009
3:59 pm
oooooooh….the gum really does feel like a nipple
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
3:59 pm
@Dream_n ^^^^^^5 on that 3:46. The first time I got a perm I was working and paid for it, and I do not have a perm now and it has been some years since I have had one.
As for the AWW let the scientist break down the perms, color treatments and tans they use.
I don’t know why these FQQLS act like they have never heard beauty hurts or the price of beauty i.e, stilletos, stockings, nails, lashes, hair treatments, waxing, plucking eyebrows, tight jeans, wearing a cute jacket in the winter time, implants…I haven’t seen no one outside of the Amish and the Broke ones keep it 100% and not add nothing or enhance nothing
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
3:59 pm
…and then again, maybe I can’t relate to TP and the Madea movies is because NONE of the women that I grew up around acted like that. Yeah… that’s probably it.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:00 pm
Okay so let’s talk about botx, chemical peels, lip injections, breast implants, all the things that can cause harm for the price of beauty….
Compared to the above me wearing a weave or getting a perm is harmless….
Leggs don’t get me started on what was quote on quote ewww but when someone elese did it was style and beauty!!! ugh!!!!
Anotha Brotha
October 26th, 2009
4:00 pm
Okay, AB – You listed all the things she SHOULDN’T. Now tell us which qualities the prototype SHOULD have?
It’s funny. About once every other month when I cross paths with a woman who has the looks to make a man want her and the class and grace to make him marry her…I’ll get hyped up, move in closer and, without fail, she’s already married. And I mean it’s consistent enough to not be an aberration. And women won’t like this but it is my observation that a woman (who’s older than 25-26) becomes desirable only AFTER she secures a man. I could list some of the common likes that the fellas and I have discussed but frankly I don’t think the majority of women (unless she gets paid because of her appearance) have the self-discipline to not let her mouth get filled with contempt, not let herself get sloppy with the weight and to not lose her femininity. Most notable example I can think of is Oprah. Was a hot mess, then Stedman came around and she thought maybe he’d be the one and she got fine and pleasant as she wanted to be. Had her running damn marathons all over the country, got feminine, happy… Oprah turned into a DIME. http://multimedia.heraldinteractive.com/images/32af6a99cc_oprah_1210.jpg
Now it’s become clear that Sted is out and guess who’s back to talking crazy about “Black men”, weight out of control, crazy weaves etc etc. This is what happens when a woman doesn’t have the presence of a man around imo and I don’t think she can duplicate on her own the motivation he gives her.
But to answer the question as best I can, usually happily married women look the same to me:
-She’s getting the attention she craves at home, so she tones down damn near everything that she thought would get her noticed.
-Flats instead of heels
-Soft-spoken instead of loud so that every man sees her
-Modest clothing instead of showing her azz so that every man sees her
-Wants to keep her husband happy and at home so she’s slender, presentation together
-She’s pleasant socially rather than having act aloof waiting for a man to “choose” her
It’s like night and day to me..
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:00 pm
czB – I used to spend the equivalent of a car note on my hair monthly. Then I lost my job and with that came the realization that I was spending 3 to 4 hours a week in a salon to get my hair done and another 1 hour every other week getting my nails done. At that point, I rediscovered the beauty of my naturally curly hair.
These days, I have the option of wearing my hair straight or curly. Most often, I wear it curly because I work out so often and only wear it straight for more special occasions. I happen to like it better straight, however, the heat, time and money required to keep it that way are not really worth it.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
4:00 pm
Mandela was free and south africa was liberated when i came here Poppa
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
4:02 pm
Tazzee
Furthermore, I liked Daddy’s Little Girls best….It was about a black father fighting for his rights to his children in a judicial system that was willing to favor the mother (even though she lived with a drug dealer).
How is that tomfoolery? A father loving his kids enough to fight for custody of them? I thought that was what was right.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:03 pm
AB – Interesting point of view.
Demi
October 26th, 2009
4:03 pm
Melo…oh, you are being offensive at this point…strange.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
4:04 pm
Leggs – I’ll never forget my teacher’s telling me I was wearing my hair like Bo Derek. I was in elementary school but I vividly remember telling that woman that I’d been wearing my cornrows LONG before Bo Derek
Blue_K – none of the women I grew up around acted like that, but I have since met women that do. One friend’s grandmother is Madea to the core! I couldn’t relate to the way Gabby and her friends acted in Daddy’s Little Girls – but I’ve since met some women that act just like that.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:05 pm
Scratching my head on Anotha B’s 4:00….
Melo
October 26th, 2009
4:06 pm
you are being offensive at this point…strange
hw so Demi?
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
4:06 pm
cornrows, not cornrolls….wow!
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
4:07 pm
Hmm, ain’t nobody tried to holla at me since I got boo’d up… So I say pooh on AB’s point.
J/K – I’m so up in the clouds, I probably wouldn’t even recognize if someone tried to flirt with me. SCool, I’m on Cloud 9 waiting for you to catch up
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
4:08 pm
White women have been spending money on beauty and all it’s entrapments since before we can remember. Black spending money to get beautified ain’t a new invention. My only thing is black women really don’t need to do as much as we spend. We have the color and features that are so now envied. The only money I spend is at the hair salon. Every other week for me and my daughter. If it’s washing only that’s about $80.00 if it’s perms that’s about $140 – $150. That’s the least I can do being the working woman I am and all I really need. I still say, with the right getup, you can work wonders void of a lot of other stuff. That’s just me though…not knocking anyone else’s regime.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
4:09 pm
As for the weave prices on that movie…y’all do know that some of those folks were lying for the camera, right? Not to mention you have to factor in the cost of living in other areas like Hollywood.
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
4:09 pm
@Dream
Why? (4:05)
He makes some great points. Although I can’t agree with his assessment of married vs. single, that list is the way a strong chick behaves (whether externally or internally motivated).
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
4:09 pm
I’m addicted to the Creamy Crack – I admit it, not ashamed of it.
Every time I think about going natural my stylist reminds that I don’t like to take time with my hair now and with as much as I sweat in my hair working out, I’d have to do something to it daily. Since I’m not ready to cut it all off and I despise braids…I’ll stick with my addiction (and my ponytails)
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
4:09 pm
Its about his place in black america and the value of his art.
Thats all.
It isn’t all. His place in black american flim is already big thanks to that studio. Sidney Poiter had tears in his eyes when he was honored by Tyler Perry as he named the main stage in honor of Sidney Poiter. That shows that he understands what those that came before him sacrificed so that he could have an opportunity.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
4:10 pm
Color and features aren’t the only things white women have secretly envied but that’s for another day…lol
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
4:11 pm
I’m just glad TP put the line in “she wasn’t like that when we were growing up” cuz I’m trying to figure out how the hell he got caught up with all that ghetto trifleness and disrespect toward her own girls.
Demi
October 26th, 2009
4:11 pm
Melo…call me around 5-6..
I am out y’all.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:12 pm
I could care less what a woman spends on making herself look/feel beautiful…
As long as nothing is suffering… ie: kidz, car note, mortgae/rent, phone bill…etc
My poo and I went and got manicures and pedicures over the weekend… I’ve been doing my own hair sense I was 16 or 17…. Spend about 100-150 dollars each month on it…
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
4:14 pm
@Leggs ^^^ on that Bo Derek posting!
@ Dream_n, girl you are raising some good points
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:14 pm
*since*…
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
4:14 pm
oh, i hear ya, SexyC. it takes me 3 days to straighten my hair. needless to say, those sightings are few and far between. it’s the wash & wear look for me on the daily.
-She’s getting the attention she craves at home, so she tones down damn near everything that she thought would get her noticed.
-Flats instead of heels
-Soft-spoken instead of loud so that every man sees her
-Modest clothing instead of showing her azz so that every man sees her
-Wants to keep her husband happy and at home so she’s slender, presentation together
-She’s pleasant socially rather than having act aloof waiting for a man to “choose” her
AB seems to me you’re saying a woman changes (is less attention-getting) when she’s married. but if we do that, then we’re told “you gotta keep doing what you did to get him if you want to keep him”. so which is it???
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:14 pm
The chick that AB described sounds like Miss Jane Hathaway.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
4:15 pm
@Ms. Main, the other secret envied by white women hasn’t been a secret for many many years.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
4:16 pm
Professor – did not know that. I do know that my fiance’ was sharing with me how much he pays for his daughters’ weaves and I was still
But I do think the prices they were quoting were for one year because the stylist mentioned maintenance when she was talking about the price.
I only go to the salon for my relaxer every 6 to 8 weeks. I may go in between if I have a special event to attend or I don’t feel like washing and setting my own hair, so with hair care products I would venture that I spend about $750 on my hair annually, max. And I make good money. Then again, if some saw my travel and entertainment budget they would be
so I guess it’s all in what you value.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
4:16 pm
SC At that point, I rediscovered the beauty of my naturally curly hair.
On top of that I’ll bet you that your scalp and overall hair condition is in much better shape. I wish that all the sisters would throw that weave sh!t in the trash and get back to Real Black hair. Yoll ain’t doing anything except making it possible for a Korean to open a restaurant and sell you rat backs… callin’ then wings and sh!t. SMH
AB Philanthropy is a failed profession in here my man. Pick up them jewels, they don’t want them. I swear you really lay it out there real nice and neat for the ladies.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:16 pm
Taz – not too far behind, trust. Above the Cloud 6 level, fa show.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
4:17 pm
@Dreams right on! I spend a pretty penny on my hair and tomorrow I am going to try those Minix nails. It is nobody’s business what I spend because I am the only one putting deposits in my account.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
4:18 pm
Leggs – the other secret envied by white women hasn’t been a secret for many many years.
I know right
Melo
October 26th, 2009
4:18 pm
Sidney Poiter had tears in his eyes when he was honored by Tyler Perry as he named the main stage in honor of Sidney Poiter
going on a tangent with ur sentimentalism.
That he built himself a studio with the billions he racked is not inot qstion.
Again,u deliberately missing the point and dwelling on symbolic gestures and “sweet sentimentalisms”.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:20 pm
BK – not so much. My curl pattern is so tight that I relax so that I have a lighter Curly Sue look going on. And since I keep it short and don’t have to put a lot of heat on it, I will color it out of boredom.
So, although my hair LOOKS natural, it still has a lot of chemicals in it. It just doesn’t cost me as much because I maintain it mostly at home now and only visit the salon once every two to three months for a cut.
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
4:21 pm
It isn’t a sentimentalism.
You said that it was about TP place in black america, blah, blah, blah.
He honored the first black man to win an Oscar by giving him the main stage at the FIRST black own studio in America.
But don’t worry about it….I’m done with you.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:21 pm
I am the only one putting deposits in my account.
and that’s all that matters… so until YOU have to pay for the maintenece of my hair please silence the mouth and enjoy the scenery…
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
4:22 pm
Then again, if some saw my travel and entertainment budget they would be so I guess it’s all in what you value.
exactly! cuz what i don’t spend on hair & nails i surely spend on bags & shoes
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
4:22 pm
@Tazzee like the lady dressed in the purple that said her hair cost a 1K well those ladies were dumb because all of their weaves were wrong! They could have gotten them cheaper and just paid her to do her service.
I feel we all have our vices whether it is hair, cars, trips, gambling etc so I try my best not to count folks money or judge them
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
4:22 pm
Hmm, ain’t nobody tried to holla at me since I got boo’d up… So I say pooh on AB’s point.
seems to me you’re saying a woman changes (is less attention-getting) when she’s married. but if we do that, then we’re told “you gotta keep doing what you did to get him if you want to keep him”. so which is it???
The chick that AB described sounds like Miss Jane Hathaway.
AB See what I’m saying? ^^^^^
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:23 pm
Commercial Break – BLASTING RAGGEDY ASS HOME DONE WEAVES WITH TRACKS AND GLUE SHOWING – You GOTS to do better.
Now, Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
For Real
October 26th, 2009
4:24 pm
“For Real – Sellout = one who demeans himself and/or his race/culture/religion/creed for the sake of money and favor from the preconceived higher power” – Isn’t that called a job? Black people are not a collective (ie one mind, one hope, one dream, one fear) Black are a very diverse collection of people as demonstrated here on the blog. Why is it that no other race is held accountable for the actions of so few? I mean if you used Tussy that doesn’t mean every single Black person use it.
Melo: Are you saying there are no bad Black people? Life is about good vs bad and no one race has exclusivity to good or bad.
AB: You have a point in some aspects
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
4:25 pm
@czBrat I know right bags, shoes and clothes! I went shopping this weekend and last weekend…this is the time of year that I treat myself really big. I do it in the spring as well. Nordstrom’s got me!
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
4:25 pm
Professor
omg… I said the same thing!!!
lmao!!
I don’t pay nearly as much and I do my hair myself and I have women playing the guessing game of if my hair is real or not… Let me tell you when I say I perfected it.. I have perfected it!!
My mom used to braid my hair under the weave, which is a great idea b/c it grows the hair also…
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
4:25 pm
BK – I found nothing of value in AB’s post. It was more criticism than question answered.
If I summarize AB’s answer, it sounds like what he’s looking for is a skinny, nondescript married chick.
I’m just saying.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
4:26 pm
He honored the first black man to win an Oscar by giving him the main stage at the FIRST black own studio in America
and what does that have to do with bafoonery and cacoonery we talking about??
Now is that laughable or what??
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
4:28 pm
Had her running damn marathons all over the country, got feminine, happy… Oprah turned into a DIME.
Okay
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
4:28 pm
Had her running damn marathons all over the country, got feminine, happy… Oprah turned into a DIME.
Okay that was funny
Melo
October 26th, 2009
4:29 pm
For Real..there are bad pple and good pple in all races.
Balance…
TP movies suggest hes bankrupt of ideas…we used to watch those “Tiki” movies in south africa.Demeaning..we banned them