Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos. Uncomfortable and unnecessary. I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.
A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis. If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time. I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning. It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.
Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t. No amount of sex, manipulation, game playing, or coercion is going to change that. Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.
How do you handle the “seeing other people” conundrum? Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? Do you tell the person that you are running your all-stars and bench warmers?
When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette? I think we all have a different code of ethics when it comes to this, but how do you manage it with minimal drama?
If it bothered you that someone you are seeing is being vague about their dating activity, would you bring it up or let it ride? Is it really their business? If not, at what point does it become their business?
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441 comments Add your comment
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
3:28 pm
Naw, d’ain’t gon’ wok…them ladies benee’n them child’s support payments…to help fund them and their new man, LOL
Demi, right about now I’m be popping a CD in on you too.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:28 pm
@Ms. Main ~ good to hear, I know many that would have flipped flopped with just the example of R. Kelly.
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
3:29 pm
Sound analysis PG but;
it’s Melo…..
Angie aka Beautiful
October 26th, 2009
3:30 pm
like KP stated eons ago, it’s better anyways to concentrate on one mate at a time to really get to know that person.
makes since to me.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
3:30 pm
My only problem with TP is that the bad guy is always dark skinnedendd..
TP said that’s because the light skinneded ones can’t act well enough to play the villain 
Although in the last movie…umm, escapes right now (with Taraji) that geigh dude played a decent bad guy. But of course some are going to hate that the Prince Charming was Latino…Can’t win for losing…
Dan – the thing with Good Hair is, the white and Asian community already know about that dirty laundry. Shoot I was the one enlightened in that movie because I did not know ‘we’ were paying THAT much to get our hair done.
For Real
October 26th, 2009
3:31 pm
Why is it that black americans have to be so weak minded that people those who didn’t already have bad things in mind were controlled by some fiction on a screen? It is damn insulting really. – Amen and let me add aren’t you sterotyping Melo for saying Black people aren’t smart enough to know the difference between reality and the movies? Next you will be saying black people only listen to James Brown because he is black.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
3:33 pm
Dan
Airing dirty laundry would be… Someone coming out and saying you’ve been sleeping with your best friend’s husband for 3 months now!!
Letting the world know that black women wear weaves and get perms???? oohhhh SHOCKER!!!!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 26th, 2009
3:33 pm
PoppaG – well dayum, there it is then on your 3:27
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
3:33 pm
@Taz
The Asians in America – granted they know;
The ladies in India, them too;
But other than the nationalities involved in the process, who else knew? nooooot the “average” white woman Yeah, anything with Nia Long has my attention – good movie. A funny take on shallowness, cultural mores, and rampant consumerism – with CR telling jokes
Demi
October 26th, 2009
3:35 pm
Legg…Ghetto ‘oes get welfare…bishes gets child support…and often do not do right by their children…at all….it’s not a ghetto thing…lack of morales.
Men, regardless of how it happen…if it’s your seed…you are responsible for your seed…end of question.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
3:35 pm
Leggs – sometimes I’m a bit blunt and probably read as a bit self righteous but I’m serious about what I say. I’m not an angel but I do not agree with ANYBODY that’s selling crap. Music, videos, writings…whatever. Consenting adults is one thing, impressionable youth is another.
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
3:35 pm
Enter your comments here
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
3:35 pm
Who cares about the average white woman?
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
3:36 pm
are
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
3:36 pm
@Dream
Yes, Black women where weaves.
Do we own any part of the means, modes, and production of the product?
How much are we willing to devote to fit a cultural norm for beauty (no lights, but weave)?
and, why?
Chris proposed some really interesting thoughts in that piece; and like Dave Chappelle being in a limo in the ghetto, it’s going to take people a minute to get it
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
3:37 pm
A funny take on shallowness,
Dan please explain???
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
3:39 pm
Oh please here we go with this I don’t love myself b/c I wear a weave non-sense….
Fit a cultural norm for beauty???
Here we go….
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:39 pm
And for the woman that birth that child, she too is responsible for that child and not collecting child support to support her and her man. Again, ghetto and morally corrupt females do that!
I get child support and I am not a bish!
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
3:40 pm
White women were weaves too. They just like to call them extensions
For Real
Yes, I am stereotyping Melo. I don’t deny it all.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:40 pm
@Ms. Main, I have no problem with being blunt. If I’m not clear, I will ask. That’s why I like you and all (even BlueK and InfamousD) that speak their mind.
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
3:41 pm
@Dream
He interviewed a number of women and when the question of “why” was posed – blank stare, no answer, or platitude.
Shallowness in the sense of doing something (despite the risks) because err’body else is doing it
Melo
October 26th, 2009
3:41 pm
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
3:27 pm
Melo…
Drug dealing is illegal. Movie making isn’t. So, that analogy is a reach at best.
Next, there are messages in the movies
i gave u an example of legal money..BET…
why u seem to think only “illegal” stuff is bad?
It wldnt be so bad if Tyler made one such movie and stopped..thats his bread and butter,like hes short of other ideas.Every movie of his has to have some bad black characters?? no diff to a movie director showing only blacks as thugs,robbers etc..dont u see the pattern??
Thats the bafoonery tip we talking about.
U cant justify evrrything simply coz smbody made more money or more money than so and so,so they gotta be right.I dont get it.
The bankruptcy of a man’s ideas and art is exemplified by what he churns out,not the balance in his bank account.
I mean did James Gandolfini acting like mob boss (Tony Soprano) causes Italian kids (that didn’t already think about it) in New Jersey to become mob bosses? may be no(since i dont watch movies that much) but is that his staple,does he always show movies like that.If he does,then proly yes.
Tyler Perry is feeding,literaly, off bafoonery.Thats all he knows.
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
3:41 pm
Who cares about the average white woman?
This^ made me laugh out loud.
Demi
October 26th, 2009
3:42 pm
Demi, right about now I’m be popping a CD in on you too….
CZbrat…oooooh, I love when you talk dirty…I would love to pop my DVD into your DVD drive.
Demi has gon’ Digital, Digital, Digital
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:43 pm
Why I point you two out, cuz y’all like to bellow!
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
3:43 pm
Melo…bite your tongue. What do you suggest Tyler Perry promote/sell?
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
3:43 pm
Taz – you feel me!!! LMAO!!
Are we still meeting before the concert Saturday? MND is as excited about MC as I am. LOL!
Melo
October 26th, 2009
3:44 pm
it’s Melo…..
ur point??
Melo
October 26th, 2009
3:45 pm
What do you suggest Tyler Perry promote/sell?
there is more than bafoonery within the black community, Ms Main.
Balance…u know the word??
Demi
October 26th, 2009
3:46 pm
Awwwwwww…DAYUM!!!!
I just found a blow pop in my desk…oooooooooh, blow pop..LOL
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
3:46 pm
Dan please inform me of the risks of wearing a weave, b/c I have yet to come across one….
If I’m coming across as a bit rude.. I do apologize..
This subject just makes my blood boil. As if because I choose to wear extentions(does that make it better) I some how have low self esteem.. Again foolywang at its best….
So what do we call a white woman that wears extentions and goes tanning?????
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
3:46 pm
You said Tyler is about bafoonery. Well, if making pictures that are trying to transcend a positive message is bafoonery then what could he possible do or promote that’s not?
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
3:48 pm
“So what do we call a white woman that wears extentions and goes tanning?????”
Pretty?
i'm swiss
October 26th, 2009
3:49 pm
“It is freezing in these offices. What’s wrong with these fairer skinned folk and never getting cold???”
Leggs — C’mon now, you know my people are built for cold.
Man… Mrs. Swiss & I have totally different ideas of where the thermostat should be set. Of course, I willingly suffer through through the heat ‘cos that means Mrs. Swiss wears less clothes around the house… 
As for the hair discussion — it’s not like it’s just black women that spend lots of time & money on their hair and/or general appearance. White women wear extensions, get perms, color treatments… and don’t even get me started on my people and tanning beds… At least a weave won’t give you skin cancer…
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
3:49 pm
@Dream
It’s not the weave (per se) it’s the chemicals that stay in your hair, scalp, cranium, etc. Do you really believe that lye applied that many times is good for you long term?
As for white women (in general) their hair and tanning, none of that is healthy either.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
3:49 pm
Bafoonery within the black is not attributed to TP….that’s black folks in the black community causing/promoting/selling bafoonery. No?
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
3:50 pm
For Real – Sellout = one who demeans himself and/or his race/culture/religion/creed for the sake of money and favor from the preconceived higher power… in this case, the Hollywood establishment. This is evidenced by the huge amount of the crying and bytching about how few screens his movies are playing on and the lack of film award nominations.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
3:50 pm
SexyCool
apparantly so…smh
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
3:52 pm
Every movie of his has to have some bad black characters?? Every movie has good and bad characters. The fact that TP’s movies are 90% black means that there will be bad black characters.
But if you saw The Family That Preys – the bad dude in the movie was a white dude. The main ‘bad’ female in Madea Goes to Jail was a Latina. So as he makes more money, he’s able to branch out and make his ‘bad’ characters more diverse.
a movie director showing only blacks as thugs,robbers etc.. Tell me one movie where blacks are only shown as thugs, robbers, etc. This shows that you REALLY have not seen one of TP’s movies because in every movie there are blacks that are good AND bad, with the majority being good.
Is there some shucking and jiving? yes, but the majority of the movies are about good folks and redemption.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
3:53 pm
@DK, yes sir…timeless is key! Not some zoot suit you have to change every quarter.
@Scool yes it was a train wreck with that crazy advice. I guess he thinks he is some type of health service counselor.
@Scool the book should not be used as a relationship bible I agree, and I am so tired of hearing Steve Harvey said, as if there was no value added relationship advice/books until he jumped on the scene
@Leggs “Better Days” is my jam, mantra, and reinforcement all in one. I believe in that song to my core!
@Melo Spike Lee vs. Tyler Perry…interesting both have important, but different roles in the community there have been times that I have agreed and disagreed with both. I am not a Madea fan, but I think there is a place for Madea just not on MY tv. At the end of the day, Spike should have kept that statement to himself…it sounds like a jealousy statement more than anything.
Who cares about the average white woman?
I know right, who cares…I did my cliff notes reading so I don’t know what that statement was in reference to, but who gives a damn about the AWW
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
3:53 pm
Where did I say that only illegal stuff was bad. You pasted my post. Post that part smart boy!!! To assume that I think only illegal stuff was bad is a mistake on your part.
Illegal things are the only things that we have the right to protect others from.
My point is who are you to save people from themselves? Didn’t you come to our country from freedoms. Why not give folks the freedom to choose for themselves? If they don’t like it, they won’t watch it or he will say something that will get him into trouble and off of the air.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
3:54 pm
Chemicals. Chemicals. Chemicals.
Are every-freakin’-where.
I can’t recal reading/hearing about cases of skin cancers or brain tumors caused by relaxers.
There are some horror stories of relaxer burn though…but that was operator error.
~lmao~
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
3:54 pm
i am just baffled by the cost of all this haircare. most of the women profiled were average, ordinary, by-no-means middle class women (at least they didn’t appear to be). how on earth do they do it?? the ‘why’ is fairly obvious … but how?? good grief i think i would have to sell my car and move to a smaller house to afford a weave.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
3:55 pm
how few screens his movies are playing on and the lack of film award nominations.
screen award???
LMAO
I have an even better suggestion for him…take his movies to rural africa where pple are derived of entertainment so they can see how the blacks in america are like.
He’ll make even more money,which is good enough for him!
Demi
October 26th, 2009
3:55 pm
Who cares about the average white woman?
I do, some have some nice a$$es…
Legg…pipe down…you know what I meant.
ooooooooh, my tongue is so strong…I am almost to the middle…(licking’n’sucking from the top0…
Tazzee - Patience is a Virtue
October 26th, 2009
3:55 pm
SCool – yes we’re still meeting up. BFF and her guy, you and YND and Mr. Me and me. I’ll let you know the time when I know, but I suspect it will be between 6 and 7.
Melo – in Madea Goes To Jail, one of the main themes was black youth coming from ‘humble beginnings’ and making something of themselves. One made it, the other did not – and the one that made it ended up helping the one that did not get it together. That seems pretty positive to me.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:56 pm
When Bo Derek wore cornrolls making it widely acceptable in the white community it was called fashion. When black women wore it boo coo times before that movie most looks from those other than thos of our own skin color was a look of WTF???? Here comes Bo, inventing cornrolls. Now, that right there is still laugable 20+ years later.
@Swiss, I know, I know. It’s mind boggling!
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
3:57 pm
@Professor ~ yes ma’am to my core, TO MY CORE!
Poppa Grande
October 26th, 2009
3:58 pm
Melo
Know what you are talking about before you speak. Period. Do some research. Even Tazzee has called you out as one who has not watch TP movies.
Therefore, you are speaking from second hand knowledge. From someone elses experiences. It makes you no better than any person that blindly follows someone like Rush Limbaugh just because it is said. Or someone that takes Obama at his word without looking at the actions that follow.
A follower….
Melo
October 26th, 2009
3:58 pm
Why not give folks the freedom to choose for themselves?
thasts beside the point.nNodbody is asking him to not screen what he wants.Hes in america and if he so desires,eh can serially screen about prositition on cleveland road all he wants.
Its about his place in black america and the value of his art.
Thats all.
Didn’t you come to our country from freedoms
i miss that?? explain!