Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos. Uncomfortable and unnecessary. I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.
A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis. If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time. I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning. It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.
Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t. No amount of sex, manipulation, game playing, or coercion is going to change that. Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.
How do you handle the “seeing other people” conundrum? Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? Do you tell the person that you are running your all-stars and bench warmers?
When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette? I think we all have a different code of ethics when it comes to this, but how do you manage it with minimal drama?
If it bothered you that someone you are seeing is being vague about their dating activity, would you bring it up or let it ride? Is it really their business? If not, at what point does it become their business?
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441 comments Add your comment
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
11:40 am
Also cream rises to the top.. The best of the dating mix will rise to the top and get rid of everybody else by default..
I always know that if Im for a person I will move those other cats out they way, cause her choosin shoes will have DK on em..
We know how this thing goes… We making this way harder than it needs to be..
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:43 am
DK I don’t even play the “dating” word game with females. Dating in my book ain’t got nothing to do with sexin’. That’s just some sh it that somebody came up with to keep that fact on the low. Either you’re fu kk in, or you aint.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:43 am
Dream_n No ma’am…that’s how things get convoluted
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:44 am
Also cream rises to the top.. The best of the dating mix will rise to the top and get rid of everybody else by default..
That’s why I said head and shoulders. You ain’t gon make a man or woman lay down their options unless you’re bringing something worth laying them down for.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
11:46 am
Proff/Dream_n??
Ladies??
If u went on a date once with a guy and it was nice and u possibly consdering going on 2nd date,if he so calls,wld u give another dude ur number,in case u actually smbody else who was interested??
Wld u consider that one guy u went on a 1st date with, as smebody u dating?? If not,at what point(after hw many dates) wld u consider ursleves as dating smebody??
Melo
October 26th, 2009
11:48 am
in case u actually meet smbody else
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
11:49 am
Blue – You and I know that but ask a female if she got a dude.. BAM! The “I dont have a man but I’m dating” comes out.. Thats why I said come on with the jokes.. Its even funnier when i hit them with it cause they know exactly what it means..
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
11:53 am
If u went on a date once with a guy and it was nice and u possibly consdering going on 2nd date,if he so calls,wld u give another dude ur number,in case u actually smbody else who was interested??
Yes, I would give another my number. Just because we went out once doesn’t mean we’re dating. No exclusivity so my dance card is still open.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:55 am
DK – True that… which is why I’m quick to hit’em with, “So what exactly is dating?” Straight comical…
Melo
October 26th, 2009
11:56 am
Yes, I would give another my number
Leggs,thanx…im sure Dream_n/czBrat’s answers will be diffrent coz they dont wanna coz confusion
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
11:56 am
Melo
I would consider after 2 or 3 dates… You would be dating a person..
Talking on the phone is just that talking…
Actually going out and engaing in an activity constitues dating to me.
If u went on a date once with a guy and it was nice and u possibly consdering going on 2nd date,if he so calls,wld u give another dude ur number,in case u actually smbody else who was interested??
I don’t understand the above paragraph
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:56 am
No exclusivity so my dance card is still open
Leggs and right on every level…cause you ain’t exclusive
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:58 am
Leggs You left some questions unanswered on the MSAT. At least mark C.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
12:01 pm
Dream_n, qstion is:wld u give another guy(2nd) ur number if u have gone on a date with a dude(1st) once and u liked him(1st guy)
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
12:03 pm
Actually, Melo, my answer is that i don’t give out my number. but i will take a number if i’m interested. if i’ve been on a date with someone and am looking forward to another, i’m not taking numbers from anyone else.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
12:05 pm
Melo
Then the answer would have to be no…
If I went on a date with guy#1… We vibed, I like him,and everything went well… then I see guy #2 the following day and he looks nice.. and meets my physical qualities… am I going to take/give the number…
No I wouldn’t…
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
12:06 pm
@BK, sorry if I left some questions unmarked. One date doesn’t mean we’re dating. A possible phone “if he should call” placed somewhere on the horizon doesn’t mean we’re dating. Therefore, my answer remains “A” (not exclusive sitting around waiting on something that may or may not happen)!
Melo
October 26th, 2009
12:06 pm
czBrat/Dream_n:
That sounds really honorable. I commend u both.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
12:10 pm
I met this really attractive guy at a Hawks game during the playoffs. I gave him my number. He called the next couple of days or so. He lived in Lawrenceville to my Greenbriar area. Claimed to always be travelling.
After that, I would get the occasional text – once every couple of weeks with a vague mention of getting together soon.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, I get a text. “Meet me for drinks tonight.” My response, “I’m not available.”
I get a text over this past weekend. “You missed your chance.” My response, “Thank God.”
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
12:11 pm
@Melo…my answer mirrors Leggs. I would chat with guy #2 on the phone…there is nothing wrong with talking.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
12:13 pm
here we go …… awwwww. thanx, Melo.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
12:13 pm
Melo
Uh no commending necessary… it’s just my dating style….
I won’t date tom/dick/harry/larry/ all at the same time.. That’s too complicated.. You start catching feelings for each one… 1 does something that the other one doesn’t do, but that other ones does something that the other one won’t do either… that is straight drama at its finest!
Then when things are going left you could care less cause you have guy# 3 on speed dial.. not something I want to deal with.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
12:17 pm
I would chat with guy #2 on the phone…there is nothing wrong with talking.
Proff,hw about him taking u out, and u scoping him to see what he made of..wldnt or wld that not be an option u wanna explore,notwithstanding that guy#1 is also interesting??
(i aint putting u chics under some test,i just wanna know)
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
12:18 pm
LOL @ SC You’re better than me. A female coming at me after that type of time miiiight’ve gotten a text back reading, “WhoTF is this?” But that was funny though. Too bad you couldn’t get a visual.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
12:20 pm
Melo (i aint putting u chics under some test,i just wanna know)
Quit flopping around over there. I think those are some pretty good questions.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
12:26 pm
Okay… let me put out a question to the fellas
Let’s say you met Lisa… (you’re not dating/nor talking to anyone at the moment).
Lisa is your prototype… You guys go out, she meets your physical standards, she engages in stimulating conversation…. You guys talk over the phone and go out on about 2 or 3 dates and everything is going well…..
So you’re riding down the street thinking about Lisa and all her goodness.. YOu get out the car to put a letter in the mail… and BAM there goes “Tina”.. tina lookin good walking your way smiling and says hi…. Are we taking Tina’s number today???
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
12:30 pm
@Dream
If Tina offers her number, I am a gentleman, I would not refuse it;
However, if I’m digging Lisa, I wouldn’t ask for it.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
12:31 pm
Depends on how Lis’a actin’. If she’s acting vague and throwing off the “we’re not exclusive vibe”, then you’re damned right, we’ll be chattin’ up Tina, tonight.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
12:31 pm
so gentleman Dan, are you taking the number and tossing it, holding on to it, or using it?
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
12:32 pm
Hey Melo!
There are a lot of variables to consider.
Scenario #1
I meet dude Uno and we talk on the phone and text for a week. We go out on the 1st date and we have a good time Uno, but I still do not know a lot about Uno just the basic info. I will talk to Dos on the phone.
Scenario #2
I meet Uno and we talk on the phone for a month, and I feel like I know him the conversations are sincere and Uno has shared his goals and I know we are on the same page on the things that matter. Well I am not going to talk to Dos.
Does this help?
Alvin
October 26th, 2009
12:33 pm
czBrat…you read “Lioness”…gurrl, do that be you? LOL
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
12:33 pm
HAAAAAA, EXCELLENT RESPONSE, SCOOL!
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
12:34 pm
@Brat
Holding on to it, “in case of emergency break glass”
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
12:35 pm
Blue_Kolla
And what if she’s not… are you taking the number then?
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
12:36 pm
Dan, how good does Lisa have to be (and for how long) before that number is tossed?
Melo
October 26th, 2009
12:38 pm
Proff,yeah it helps but all im getting by reading ‘tween lines is that its complicated,see BK 12.31 PM and melo below!
Dream_n:
Are we taking Tina’s number today???
possibly,unless Lisa has slammed the door shut by expressing her desire to take this ish there and not giving me a conflicting vibe
The deal aint done for me unless I also taped it and the whole experience is making me craaaaawzy so much so I wanna be with Lisa the whole daaaamn time!
For me anyway(and not other dudes) if a chic was getting my vibe,she opened the pearl gates pretty quick!
Anotha Brotha
October 26th, 2009
12:40 pm
Dream_n
If Lisa is the prototype and we are compatible and vibe well, then why would I consider another option? This is the greed that messes men and women up
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
12:41 pm
If I’m dating someone casually (meaning not sexing) and I meet someone else, then I’m going to give him my number. If I’m dating someone that I’m having sex with, well, that’s not all that casual. So, I’m not taking/giving out number.
That’s kind of simple to me.
If you’re just a cut buddy/FWB, well, different rules apply altogether. And yes, in my life, those situations have existed.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
12:43 pm
@Dream-N ~ Good question (12:26). How many will honestly say, they will take her number.
@BlueK ~ see you threw a neckbone in the gravy. Dream_n already said everything was well in your camp when you spot Tina! Don’t try n change the dynamics to justify getting the number!
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
12:43 pm
I agree Melo!
I think if you are vibing than you do not date…no vibe you date, and drop Uno…1/2 of a vibe you talk on the phone and wait until date two to decide if you drop Uno or stop talking on the phone.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
12:44 pm
@Dream
If Tina offers her number, I am a gentleman, I would not refuse it;
However, if I’m digging Lisa, I wouldn’t ask for it.
Dream – I concur with my fellow gentleman Dan..
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
12:45 pm
Thank you Anotha Brotha….yes indeed PURE D GREED and SELFISHNESS.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
12:46 pm
What if Lisa is now the girlfriend and Tina approaches?
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
12:46 pm
good, DK, then you too can answer the questions i posed to Dan.
Demi
October 26th, 2009
12:48 pm
After reading today’s posts by a few ladies…Demi is now waiting for puddy to turn into sunshine…
150 years later…
Demi is now looking like Mose and still waiting for puddy to turn into sunshine…
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
12:48 pm
Anotha Brotha
Hand clap to you
Thanx for your 12:43 leggs… Blue_Kolla acting like he can’t read… lol
DK/DAN
What’s the sense of taking it if you’re not going to use it…..
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
12:51 pm
If Lisa and I are vibing and all is well, Tina won’t be an issue, as she’ll be invisible. And no broad is gon’ rush a dude that has shown NO interest.
Which brings us to another point – ladies, if you’re beefing with your dude, work that out, because we don’t really need any extra temptation. Outside females can smell “trouble with my girl” all over a dude, and will go at him hard. We can put up a better fight if we’re confident that you’re at least trying to keep it lovely.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
1:00 pm
…since we’re being honest.
DreamWhat’s the sense of taking it if you’re not going to use it…..
1. We don’t want to fracture a woman’s ego and end up with yoll cussing and calling us gay for not wanting you.
2. It’s a boost to our ego.
3. Because like the President told Jack Ryan, “You’ve got a chip in the big game. But you’re not gon’ use it. You’re gon’ tuck that away.”
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
1:08 pm
Blue_Kolla
I understand the logic.. and maybe I’m by myself…. but I would consider you a gentleman if you politely declined because you were dating someone else…. but my ego would be a little bruised
Anotha Brotha
October 26th, 2009
1:09 pm
Well before folks get toooo happy, the prototype is a rarity and she can’t contain any of the below (from Friday’s entry). However, if Lisa is such, then I’m not looking anywhere else.
1) Attention starved dress (Heels, cleavage out, butt out)
2) LOUD, sassy, contemptuous mouth
3) Raspy, club voice
4) Over weight/ lack of discipline, accountability
4a) Weave (Usually to cover up the weight)
5) 500+ Facebook friends
6) Visible tattoos
7) Any kids out of wedlock (kids period, actually)
8-Funky attitude/arms folded/gas face
9) Rambling about lack of quality men when any of the above exist