Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos. Uncomfortable and unnecessary. I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.
A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis. If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time. I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning. It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.
Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t. No amount of sex, manipulation, game playing, or coercion is going to change that. Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.
How do you handle the “seeing other people” conundrum? Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? Do you tell the person that you are running your all-stars and bench warmers?
When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette? I think we all have a different code of ethics when it comes to this, but how do you manage it with minimal drama?
If it bothered you that someone you are seeing is being vague about their dating activity, would you bring it up or let it ride? Is it really their business? If not, at what point does it become their business?
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441 comments Add your comment
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
10:40 am
Come on most attractive women dont have dudes because cats be scared to talk to them.. I have a friend that is drop dead gorgeous and dudes be scared to approach her all the time..
I also have a friend that is not drop dead gorgeous and super stylish that never has a problem finding a date..
The difference is friend number two has game and the “Penis” mentality.. She handles dudes like dudes handle women until she meets a dude that has that balance of Corporate thuggery she likes.. That can handle her..
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
10:41 am
Demi – True, a MAN’s actions rarely sway too far from his words. Operative word in the statement – MAN.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
10:46 am
Why become “exclusive” in the first place if you still have questions (like the one’s you’ve mentioned)?
Ideally, we would all know exactly what we’re getting into whether we’ve known the other person for a minute or a month. I’ve not had an ideal relationship yet, so the exclusivity is a committment to focusing on getting to know each other fully without mind games. Yes, there are still questions … but we are taking a serious interest in finding the answers.
I mean, as far as communication (and the subject matter goes), wouldn’t the comfort level of a person’s honesty be established before exclusivity?
Absolutely. But sometimes things (people) change. Especially if at some point they decide they’re not quite feeling you anymore but don’t want to cut you loose. That’s where the questionable behavior (and miscommunications) may start to surface.
Isn’t each encounter about establishing that level of trust (which includes believing that he or she is single)?
As long as he/she is not sending out mixed signals as to whether or not they are into you or possibly spreading themsleves thin with others, then each encounter should indeed help establish a greater level of trust.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
10:46 am
Oh…and don’t know why it irks me for dudes to be beating on their chests hollering “I’m a stand-up dude. See me. Date me. Want me. Love me.”
Because much like the overdone “I’m Miss Independent” battle cry, it is lame on a level of its own.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
10:46 am
Ok heres another jewel.. from Handsome Boy Modeling School
I’ve been thinking about those things you said
I’ve been thinking about those things we did
I’ve been thinking about those things you do
I’ve been thinking about those things you made me do too
Be my boy, be my boy
Be my boy, be my boy
I was hypnotized
By your fairy eyes
Like a tiger in the dark
You were hungry from the start
Diamonds, candy pills
One million dollar bills
You can try
But you can’t buy me, buy me
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
10:47 am
luvin DK @ 10:30
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
10:49 am
“I’m a stand-up dude. See me. Date me. Want me. Love me.”
Say it again… lol
Alvin
October 26th, 2009
10:51 am
ImAPeach404…hey, I am on slave row (looking up…I can never remember my number) E-1-5-5, just clicking away on my busted keyboard. my ‘Shift’ keeps sticking…(speaking of my keyboard people). How are things on your end?
Dan…I know I know.
Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover
October 26th, 2009
10:51 am
@Brat
Thank you for the elaboration.
I’ve not been in an “ideal” situation yet either; but I like to play the games cards up.
@SC
Yeah, that’s a weee bit frustrating.
But take solace in this (if you choose to: just like ladies know whose the “gt” in the group, guys know the arseholes. And like “good women”, “good men” are only speaking about the aforementioned arsehole’s when talking like that.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
10:53 am
Morning everybody!!
so most of u ladies are saying that u decide to date, i guess after a failed relationship,you date one person at a time??
Thats so hard to believe.Sounds all good but in practice, i dont see that happening.
Most pple will date a guy or lady,if they find them interesting enough and if they decide to pursue multiple dates with one girl/guy,that suggests something is developing.Thats when most will decide to bench others and pursue a relationship exclusively,if the situation warrants it.Otherwise multiple dates with different guys/girls are the order for most pple.
Look at it this way,a chic goes on a date satrday,and by sunday morning,she has already decided that the guy is not worth it and calls him to end any further discussion.That afternoon,she meets a guy at the mall and gives him her number coz she dropped the other guy already or if thats not the case,she stills talking to the guy from saturday so she declines to give this other guy her number on sunday coz she hasnt cut off ties with the satruday guy yet.PLEEEEEEEASE,thats looks like lies to me.
Its not even practical………
Ladies,please tell the truth.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
10:53 am
Um…yeah…translation, please.
M. (pronounced M dot)
October 26th, 2009
10:54 am
@Blue_Kolla
I agree. They may not admit it but they want someone in demand. Notice I did not say a womanizer but its good knowing that you are with someone that other people want. Who wants someone that nobody wants?
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
10:54 am
Yeah, Melo – what you said.
abc
October 26th, 2009
10:54 am
“I’m a stand-up dude. See me. Date me. Want me. Love me.”
Ha! That’s a crackup.
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
10:59 am
Demi – 09 for the low?! Mayne, GTFOH. You ain’t the thievin’ kind, so the only way that’s gon’ happen is if you’re Tomlin’s boy and you tell him that Ben’s been seen without a helmet again. LMAO
Dream So you can honestly tell me that if, at the end of date #3, dude says, “You know Dream, it’s date #3, and I’m ready for it to be you and me, ride or die,” that you’d be good with that?
Personally, I’d like a little bit slower progression, and a little bit more knowledge of you before I lock in. And I think chicks are the same way. If a dude comes to you with his “I want to be with you and only you” mantra, you’re going to think that he’s way too possessive and probably a crazy stalker.
Another question for the ladies, how many of you want a dude to lock in, so that you’ll feel comfortable having dreams about him and eventually giving up the azz?
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
10:59 am
Melo i’ve never claimed to be like ‘most’. even if i’m in the minority, i entertain one interest at a time.
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
11:00 am
At one point, I would have been the first person to say that I want someone in demand. I have since gotten over that.
I will not knock that theory in that everybody like shiny sht. I’ve just learned that the shiniest sht ain’t always the best sht.
Now, I want someone who I want in the way that they want me – anybody else be damned.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:01 am
Who wants someone that nobody wants?
the extremely insecure who don’t even want to THINK about competition.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
11:04 am
czBrat??
hw often do u meet a guy that exchanges numbers with u??
hw often do u drop or dicontinue talking to a guy u meet and proly had a date with??
So to continue on those 2 above qstions,what ur date turnover like as far as dates that dont pan out that u have to dismiss??
Ur situ wld be very unique and interesting…..
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:05 am
If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time
Cosign…just not that importing, IMO. When initial dates, greets hookups, get-togethers are in tow it’s not important to reveal ANYTHING at that stage, frankly it’s not my business…neither yours. It’s only the beginning of possibilites. All I’m looking for or expecting is head and shoulders. As long as people aren’t married nor exclusive, competition IS everywhere and everyone not exclusively attached to a SO. If and as we progress, you shoul be tying all loose. I’m not, neither are you accountable to me for anything that happens, happened, popped off….prior to making it exclusive. I’m only concerned about what happens post exclusitivity. ANYTHING happening with whomever (ex, baby mamas, baby daddys, first loves, etc) after the decision to go exclusive becomes deal breaker….as you knew better at that point. No if ands or buts.
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:06 am
Alright ya’ll…it’s Monday….I meant not that “important”
Alvin
October 26th, 2009
11:07 am
Operative word in the statement – MAN.
MzCool…did you just hit ‘da sista gurl head rock followed by a long teethsuck’…while typing that?
that is a turn on!!!
Ans “Standup Dudes”…are led by actions not words. Chest beaters are lames in disguise. Words be lika cool breeze on a hot day, while their actions reek of filth and decay….yeah, that ‘igga is full of ish
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 26th, 2009
11:08 am
Morning All!
SCool – “If a guy TELLS me that he’s not seeing someone else and his actions support that, I will believe it without question”….I co-sign this one a hunnet percent! And I am still a lil upset about missing that concert
Demi – glad mom is doing better! Hey Chocolate Baby!
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:08 am
Ok….just excuse my typos…as long as you get the gist of where I was going with that
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
11:09 am
Melo….
It’s funny how some group all women in the same category…
I’m sorry but for some things I don’t operate with the norm…
I don’t go around giving every guy with a nice smile my number…If I meet Melo on Saturday.. he quirks my interest and our exchange was nice…. On sunday I’m not giving Blue-Kolla my nuber b/c he flashed a perfect set of pearly whites… It just don’t work like that in my world. I don’t have it in my to be a serial dater….. That stuff complicates things… I’ve learned that I can’t/don;t want to handle choosing between two people.. while some may geta rush out of it… I get a headache
Alvin
October 26th, 2009
11:12 am
…is if you’re Tomlin’s boy and you tell him that Ben’s been seen without a helmet again. LMAO
‘BUMP U’ BLUE K!!!!! LOL hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaa!!!
Too funny!!!
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:13 am
hw often do u meet a guy that exchanges numbers with u?? not even once per year.
hw often do u drop or dicontinue talking to a guy u meet and proly had a date with?? in the last 8 years – twice after the first date.
So to continue on those 2 above qstions,what ur date turnover like as far as dates that dont pan out that u have to dismiss?? see above.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:15 am
LOL @ Ms. Main!
Alvin
October 26th, 2009
11:15 am
czBrat…are you from NY?
Mo…hey you!! And thanks!! I am on my way to LaFitness…Melo, you should come too, I heard the morning classes have nice ‘things’ there, LOL.
Melo
October 26th, 2009
11:17 am
he quirks my interest and our exchange was nice…. On sunday I’m not giving Blue-Kolla my nuber b/c he flashed a perfect set of pearly whites
thats a really safe and conservative way to date altho i see how its easy to make mistakes with that modus op,unless ur standards are really high and hard to meet 4 a guy.
A sure way to get got!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 26th, 2009
11:17 am
SCool – Mail call
abc
October 26th, 2009
11:18 am
Who wants someone that nobody wants?
It’s a paradox but still a truism that nobody wants you until somebody wants you. Ask the guy who’s been looking for a job for a year, or who women won’t give a second look. Nothing is more attractive than something or someone that someone else wants. It proves desirability.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:20 am
Alvin, if that’s your way of asking me if I’m not approachable the answer to both is “yes”.
czBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:21 am
so true abc!!
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:21 am
Main As long as people aren’t married nor exclusive, competition IS everywhere and everyone not exclusively attached to a SO. If and as we progress, you shoul be tying all loose. I’m not, neither are you accountable to me for anything that happens, happened, popped off….prior to making it exclusive. I’m only concerned about what happens post exclusitivity.
Problem is that when you decide to be exclusive, dude’s still been man about town, and dealing with some other broads that ain’t been all, “it ain’t his business ’cause we ain’t exclusive”. So you throw out the proposal, but dude ain’t signing up. Now he’s a cheater.
Leggs
October 26th, 2009
11:24 am
“…that nobody wants you until somebody wants you.” That’s a crock. I understand the sentence, but you worded it wrong. Can’t say NOBODY wants a person until someone else wants them. Better to say your “worth” has increased in that particular’s eyes when someone else shows interest.
Anotha Brotha
October 26th, 2009
11:24 am
LoL folks make life so hard. This one’s easy-
Me during initial encounter: “Are you actively dating anyone?”
Her: “Yes”/ “Ummm”/”NOT REALLY”
Me: “Ok. Nice talking to you.” ..And walk away. No more attention, won’t be asking for the number etc lol.
Lots of attention h0ish people out there. Should be avoided at all costs.
“It is highly, highly, highly unlikely that a man… a black man… in Atlanta… is not “dating” at least ONE female”.
This sounds like a deflection for why one does not have a quality mate, “ie, there are no single brothas in Atlanta/U.S./The World”. There are plenty of quality, completely single quality men- They probably just don’t approach YOU! And that is a woman’s job to decipher why her options are limited to scandalous men
SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...
October 26th, 2009
11:25 am
abc – You do speak the truth. People have a tendency to just fall out of the woodwork as soon as you get “boo’d up.”
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
11:26 am
Melo
Not extremely high or hard to meet….
But given my experience.. While it was hell to go through I think I wised up after it….
While it may seem conservative… It’s my style and I like it…. Every guy is not going to be the guy for me… so I’m not going to imitate “lil Wayne” and try to get with every guy that shows me attention….
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:29 am
Another Brotha Dayum bruh, and I thought I was vicious. Nice post though.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
11:31 am
I see where Dream is coming from in her post and I maybe reading her wrong, but for me and the phone number thingy it works like this:
If I am dating someone I do not hand out my number. If I am out and about and I meet someone on Saturday and we vibe I will give out my number and if I meet someone on Sunday and we vibe I will give out my number, because chances are one if not both are going to call and say something stupid and I will not be on the phone with him again.
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
11:32 am
Guys – Just throw the Obligatory “Im dating” line out there it covers everything.. Women use it for the dude that they just slept with after lunch, the dude that just bought em lunch, the dude thats gonna buy dinner and the dude that cuts their grass and fixes things around their house. Oh and also the dude that they know from college that can always get it when he’s in town..
Come on with the jokes..
Ms. Main
October 26th, 2009
11:33 am
Blue – Problem is that when you decide to be exclusive, dude’s still been man about town, and dealing with some other broads that ain’t been all, “it ain’t his business ’cause we ain’t exclusive”. So you throw out the proposal, but dude ain’t signing up. Now he’s a cheater.
I’d say not really a problem because for me, progression does not mean we met today and next week we’re exclusive. There will be ample time for him to do the needful….if he wants an exclusive relationship. Sorry but we ain’t swapping azz while progessing. We swapping azz once exclusive. If he’s been a man about town during our “progression” phase and sort of never got around to wrapping loose ends, then yeah, you’re right he’s a liar and more than likely we ain’t going exclusive. You can only take a person by their word and if the actions don’t match, it’s definitely not gonna happen.
CZBrat – girl it’s Monday
Blue_Kolla
October 26th, 2009
11:34 am
Professor …chances are one if not both are going to call and say something stupid and I will not be on the phone with him again.
Come on babe, you’ve got the wrong attitude off the rip, not to mention most people would welcome the choice, as it increases ones chances for success.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
11:35 am
Off topic:
Have anymone tried minx, and if so did you like it and what are your thoughts?
On topic:
I am not saying other folks are not busy, but I work
hard for the moneyso even if I wanted to juggle dates etc I do not have the time to hang on the phone, text and get all pretty for a bunch of dudes that is not happening here with my schedule. PeriodczBrat
October 26th, 2009
11:36 am
chances are one if not both are going to call and say something stupid and I will not be on the phone with him again. LMAO!!!
THE INFAMOUS DK
October 26th, 2009
11:36 am
Heres another DK joint – Women can smell that other womans scent on you.. Her juices so to speak.. Just like dudes can see her new pearl necklace shes wearing..
Anotha Brotha
October 26th, 2009
11:38 am
Good point abc. I’m observing that many people gauge others based on “perceived value”. I think this is true because people do not have real sources of power themselves, thus they can only discern other’s power based on someone else’s opinion. It’s a follower’s mentality. This is why you’ll see women sweating some guy after other women have chosen him (with a marriage, or just her attention). You’ll also see lots of men fall into this trap too by buying STUFF to increase their stature in hopes of being chosen. It’s goofy.
Professor (sort of sleepy)
October 26th, 2009
11:39 am
BK,
You call it the wrong attitude, I know the past is the best predictor of the future.
So I know my standards, what I want, and you mean to tell me that both guys are coming 100% fantasy vs. reality. Yea right! Reality is one will probably get in the phone and eventually I will see that we are not a match. Numbers increase possibilities that is why I will give my number out if the vibe is good, but I know reality.
Dream_n
October 26th, 2009
11:39 am
Sorry but we ain’t swapping azz while progessing
lol… I luv it!!!
@ DK
smh @ ur 11:42