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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos.  Uncomfortable and unnecessary.  I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.

A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis.  If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time.  I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning.  It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.

Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t.  No amount of sex, manipulation, game playing, or coercion is going to change that. Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.

How do you handle the “seeing other people” conundrum? Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? Do you tell the person that you are running your all-stars and bench warmers?

When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette? I think we all have a different code of ethics when it comes to this, but how do you manage it with minimal drama?

If it bothered you that someone you are seeing is being vague about their dating activity, would you bring it up or let it ride? Is it really their business? If not, at what point does it become their business?

441 comments Add your comment

Blue_Kolla

October 26th, 2009
8:34 am

This looks like a good day to do more listening than talking.

Professor (sort of sleepy)

October 26th, 2009
8:42 am

Happy Monday,

Ok, today is one of those days that I need a coke and a smile.

As for the topic, I have said it here before I am not the one to do multiple dates. If I meet someone and I would like to get to know him better I will date him, but I do run a bench. I know what who I want at all times so anything else is just a ploy to stay busy.

Do you disclose that you have a gaggle of admirers? No, not at all because that is not important.

BTW, I have had men to ask about an outing I went on and make reference that I was with someone else…in those cases I just do not respond, because it was none of their business.

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
8:47 am

Perhaps it makes me a lazy dater but I just don’t put effort in to finding out if a guy I just started dating is seeing someone else.

No that doesn’t mean you are a “lazy date” it means you have at least one brain cell. It is highly, highly, highly unlikely that a man… a black man… in Atlanta… is not “dating” at least ONE female. If you are attracted to him it’s probable that someone else is/was too. So…

When you are dating multiple people, what is the proper etiquette?

If they ask – be honest. If they don’t – know that they will and just be honest.

Good morning all

Tazzee - Need a weekend do-over

October 26th, 2009
8:53 am

Morning Folks!!!

Never been able to date multiple people but I always believe that a guy has someone – no guy is completely single.

Because I’ve always been fairly monogamous, I don’t have to worry about telling a guy that I had a gaggle of admirers. However, if a guy were to ask about my activities when I’m not with him, it was none of his business until we reached the point when it was.

Professor (sort of sleepy)

October 26th, 2009
9:09 am

@Peach/Tazzee I agree with you two totally. I have always found it interesting when a guy claims to be totally single.

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
9:16 am

@ Prof & Tazzee… While I agree that there are things that may be “none of his business”, if someone asks me a question that I feel teeters that line – before I answer I say this: “I have a policy – do not ask a question that you don’t truly want to know the answer to. Because I will tell you the truth.”

If after giving that disclaimer they still want an answer… why not?

MsM

October 26th, 2009
9:20 am

I’ve never been able to multi-date. If you’re not the one I’m really interested in its noticeable, it’s a waste of both of our time.

abc

October 26th, 2009
9:30 am

I’ll believe Obama about “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” when something actually happens in that regard. So far, it’s just talk. Strong resistance by the military can be expected — maybe the President lacks full awareness of the importance of the issue, having never been in the military.

If I were dating someone and discovered they were dating other people without having disclosed that to me, I’d stop dating them. If I wanted to date someone but I knew that they were dating someone else, I’d not pursue them, unless the circumstances were extremely compelling somehow. I don’t think very highly of multiple daters, especially as a recreational activity.

But certainly, some chick playing “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” with me would find my pursuit discontinued.

czBrat

October 26th, 2009
9:30 am

GM All!

echo what the ladies have already said. i’m not one for dating multiples, nor am i going to question what you’ve been up to BEFORE we coupled up.

Professor (sort of sleepy)

October 26th, 2009
9:31 am

Please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that men can handle the multi dating better than women on a whole. I know women that will go out for the hell of it, but when push comes to shove they are really using the others as time passers just waiting to hang out with the guys they really like. And, the other women I know will not do the multi-date thingy myself included.

Professor (sort of sleepy)

October 26th, 2009
9:33 am

@czBrat I agree with the statement listed below, but it seems like a lot of folks are concerned with the number of partners, how long did your last relationship last, why did it end, where did you all go, did you meet the family etc.

nor am i going to question what you’ve been up to BEFORE we coupled up.

czBrat

October 26th, 2009
9:37 am

Professor what i mean is, if you were juggling women before me, and we now have an understanding that we are dating exclusively, i’m not going to question whether or not you’re still seeing other people. at this point, if i get that impression … i’m out. simple. but, yes, once our relationship takes that step forward we’ll get into more detail about each others past relationships.

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
9:40 am

Good Morning,

Um….wow, just wow.

@WD, Peach, Prof, and Brat

So now it’s okay for “a man, a Black man in Atlanta” to be guilty of a transgression, or of not telling the truth, without proof? Really?

On topic:

I don’t ask about if she’s dating someone else until I care if she is. Conversely, if she asks me about my single “status”, I’ll tell her the truth (why lie?), and allow her to make a decision to continue.

As for “dating” multiple people, as with anything in life – as long as it’s communicated with honesty, everyone involved has options.

But ladies, please tell me you don’t honestly indict the man’s intergrity without some proof?

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
9:48 am

If I were dating someone and discovered they were dating other people without having disclosed that to me, I’d stop dating them.

@abc – so, when is she to disclose this information? Is there a time frame? On date number “what” should she spill the beans? If a woman is single and she meets “Tommy” on Friday and they go on a date Saturday, then meets you at the grocery store Sunday… whats she to do in that situation?

I just think there are too many variables in these situations…

czBrat

October 26th, 2009
9:49 am

Dan I trust my gut feelings. I’m not one to go on a mission to catch you with your hand in the cookie jar. If something is lacking in our communication to the point I’m not fully trusting you, then quite frankly you’re better off without me (and I without you).

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
9:51 am

So now it’s okay for “a man, a Black man in Atlanta” to be guilty of a transgression, or of not telling the truth, without proof? Really?

@Dan… what are you talking about??? I don’t think any of us said the brotha was lying but that if you are wise about it, you will go into it thinking that there could possibly… maybe… be someone else he is dating.

SexyCool - Cloud Status: 6.5

October 26th, 2009
9:52 am

Three Words Daily – Keep hope alive.

abc

October 26th, 2009
9:52 am

I would expect a woman to disclose that she was dating others on our first date. Actually, I’d expect that information to be made known before we ever went out — but I’d not be going out on dates with total strangers, anyway. If there was dating interest on my part, I’d take the trouble to get to know them for awhile before I’d ask them out.

‘Course, I understand that few people take that kind of approach these days. You can’t really get to know someone very well before dating if the way you found them was online.

abc

October 26th, 2009
9:52 am

…or if the way you found them was in a bar, or some other superficial way.

M. (pronouced M dot)

October 26th, 2009
9:54 am

Interesting topic WD. I think for guys, the rule is if you meet an attractive woman, there is SOME man in her life on some level. They may be just buddies, they may be about to close the deal, or they be just ending things and the door is not completly closed. I notice in Atlanta women like to be a little bit vague…I guess it adds to that mysterious factor…and also I have seen women with a roster also. I think you can handle the seeing other people issue with class and tactfully, but also you dont need to put all your business out there.I would just keep it real from the beginning. Guys dont have to act super single.Plus women kinda like a guy in demand I think. They may not admit it but who wants to go to an empty restaurant? Let that marinate…. :)

SexyCool - Cloud Status: 6.5

October 26th, 2009
9:58 am

With me, the expectation should be that I am still seeing or at the very least having some sort of communication with other people, especially in the beginning, and I expect that you would be as well.

Much like Dan, I won’t ask until I care. I won’t ask about who you’re seeing or what you’re doing when you’re not with me until I actually give a crap.

However, I have found that my better relationships came with an openness that I didn’t have to ask because we were both forthcoming about our whereabouts and activities.

In fact, it is my preference that a person openly share with me without me having to ask.

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
9:59 am

@Peach

Inherent in your disbelief (or suspicions) is that he is not telling you the truth, i.e. lying. My question is why not take him at his word, until you find out differently [is all I'm asking]?

@Brat

Salient and wise point. And by “communication” you want all information on the bruh, or just that you feel entitled too? What level of communication would you need to feel satisfied that he’s not seeing someone else?

Professor (sort of sleepy)

October 26th, 2009
10:02 am

@Dan.

Wow…just wow!

I go with logic and gut feelings it takes a while for the heart to lead and it may never lead. With that said I go with actions and communications. I had a guy once that mentioned doing all sorts of things with me and for me and he was playing this exclusive role to the end, however something did not stack up and there were some red flags. At the end of the day I just pulled back, and guess what he was not being exclusive like he said, he was still playing the bench. Most of the time, I feel that when you meet someone (I am a female and that is where I speak from) most people are involved with someone on some level. And, once things get moving they sort of let the others fall off…WD did a topic on this a few months back so this is nothing new.

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
10:04 am

@abc… are you inquiring or do you just expect her to state this during the initial phone call? And if she is honest, is it fair to totally dismiss her for dating? If you’re single and looking for a relationship, how are you to do so without getting to know someone?

I – like a few of the other ladies – do not seriously date more than one person at a time. Unfortunately, dating opportunities sometimes overlap. I personally cannot stand “dating” and I would much rather just do life with one person. But while I’m waiting on that reality, I have to do life in current one…

Plus women kinda like a guy in demand I think.

@M. – CHILE PLEASE!

Alvin

October 26th, 2009
10:04 am

As for “dating” multiple people, as with anything in life – as long as it’s communicated with honesty, everyone involved has options.

You Dayum Right!!

too bad my budget call for ‘one woman at a time’…Boy I am glad my mom has affordable medical insurance…Demi was looking like a broke ‘igga for a minute…peep this: they agreed to pay back four years

Tax payer’s dollars wasted!!!

a hundred dollars per doctor visit…two or three time a week and PLUS out of pocket prescription cost!!! AwwwwwIsssssssssshBisssssh!!!! I was spenting money lika fake rockstar!!

On a positive note, I mother is doing a whole lot better…there is a God AND LIFE IS GOOD!!!

MORNING ALL…SUP BLUE!!!

Alvin

October 26th, 2009
10:06 am

Boy I am glad my mom has affordable medical insurance…NOW!!

SexyCool - Cloud Status: 6.5

October 26th, 2009
10:08 am

Prof – “Most of the time, I feel that when you meet someone (I am a female and that is where I speak from) most people are involved with someone on some level. And, once things get moving they sort of let the others fall off…”

^^^^THAT right there^^^^ is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
10:11 am

@Dan – I don’t think I ever said there was “disbelief” because I don’t ask men if they are dating other women. I just go into it thinking they are until I am informed otherwise. As SexyCool mentioned @ 9:58, I appreciate open communication. I’ve found that you don’t have to ask much… most things come out in conversation.

most people are involved with someone on some level. right Professor, thats all we’re saying!

abc

October 26th, 2009
10:12 am

“Initial phone call”, see, that’d be associated with online dating. I tried that out and found it to be pretty much completely unappealing. Nobody feels very motivated to veracity or disclosure, because everyone is on a people shopping spree, and keeping options open is a high priority. That’s no way to meet people of dating interest, in my opinion. I’d even go so far as to say that one can expect online dating prospects to lie to them about such things as how many others they’re dating, and you can fully expect that they’re dating others if they’re part of such a service.

Once upon a time, personal ads were the venue of the spinster lonely hearts club. Nowadays, everyone has joined the club. As if there aren’t far better and more real ways to meet people!

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
10:12 am

@Alvin

Good isht mayne, glad all is well.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 26th, 2009
10:12 am

@ImAPeach404

LOL…We can agree to disagree!

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...

October 26th, 2009
10:14 am

Demi – Glad to read you and know that your mom is doing better!

czBrat

October 26th, 2009
10:15 am

@ Dan communication, as it relates to this particular topic, to me would mean we’ve agreed to be exclusive. from that point forward i no longer have to question where you are, what you’re doing or who you’re with. nor should your actions give me reason to wonder about these things. if that’s the case, that would be “evidence” enough of a problem. no?

Alvin

October 26th, 2009
10:15 am

Plus ((some = 80%)) women kinda like a guy in demand I think.

Not really true…but dayum close to the truth.

same can be said of (most) men as well…

Dream_n

October 26th, 2009
10:16 am

Good Morning All :)

Dating… such a touchy topic for some :)

I think it would be very naive to meet someone and believe that they are not dating/comunicating with someone else. (while it may happen/there are those exceptions)…

With that being said… I say let your intentions be known up front. If you’re looking to just have fun, let that person know… If you’re looking for something more serious let that person know…. You will not waste as much time playing games if you’re just upfront and honest.

I don’t see anything wrong with dating multiple people (if you choose to).. maybe you’re not ready to be in a serious relationship. Me personaly I don’t like sharing myself with multiple people. So if I choose to engage in constant communication/going out etc, you can trust that I’m doing that with solely one person. I think you can tell if a person is worth your time by the first/second date. I think we’re all at an age where we know what we will take and what we won’t, so why waste time on someone who isn’t beneficial to you….. Then you end up complaining to your girls/guys about how much time you spent with this person and they were’nt even worth it….

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would like to know if the guy I’m talking to is seeing other people at the momment…. I prolly won’t bring it up on the first date, but if he intrigues me and I want to get to know him better, I would bring it up casually in our next encounter…. then it would be my decision to stick around or not…..

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
10:20 am

@Peach

If you start out thinking that he is seeing someone else (regardless of his words to the contrary), all your (in)actions flow from that thought. But thanks for answering.

Blue_Kolla

October 26th, 2009
10:20 am

There’s a lot of tact and “vague” being displayed right her on this blog today. Wow…

Demi – sup Bruh. V

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...

October 26th, 2009
10:20 am

czB – I agree with your 1015p. Especially the thought that a person’s actions being evidence of a problem. I have been in a situation in the past where there was evidently and obviously something wrong in the relationship. By the time, I had proof, I was year past that relationship’s expiration date and it had started to stink.

I can now see smoke and know that there is fire without actually sticking around to be burned.

SexyCool - Mint Condition Countdown - 5days...

October 26th, 2009
10:23 am

Dan – If a guy TELLS me that he’s not seeing someone else and his actions support that, I will believe it without question.

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
10:25 am

@Brat

Why become “exclusive” in the first place if you still have questions (like the one’s you’ve mentioned)?

I mean, as far as communication (and the subject matter goes), wouldn’t the comfort level of a person’s honesty be established before exclusivity? Isn’t each encounter about establishing that level of trust (which includes believing that he or she is single)?

ImAPeach404

October 26th, 2009
10:25 am

“Initial phone call”, see, that’d be associated with online dating.

HUH??? I don’t see how those 3 words provoked you produced a whole response based on online dating, but… no. Obviously you’ve had a bad experience meeting women this way because that post came allllll the way from left field.

@M. cool :)

waves at Demi

Alvin

October 26th, 2009
10:26 am

On the flip side thought…Most men do not have a problem telling a women what he is looking for and all he wants from her…

Due to increasingly lame dudes on the hunt for puddy…Standup dudes are under attack…the market can only bear so many wannabe players…the market has clash.

The time for self renewment is now.

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
10:28 am

@Brat

Didn’t mean to answer your question with another. I’m just trying to figure out where the trust begins (in your in relationships as opposed to my own).

abc

October 26th, 2009
10:29 am

Left field, not really… I’d expect to have spent a fair amount of time conversing with them in person rather than on the phone. I’m not a phone conversation kind of person — more like, talk on the phone briefly, probably only to setup a time and place to meet for whatever and have a real conversation then. The “1st phone call” milestone is an online dating phenomenon, to me. Like blind dates with photos beforehand. Yes, I quite disliked online dating.

East Point's Own

October 26th, 2009
10:30 am

I expect that women I meet are going out/dating others until such time that we establish that she isn’t. What I find interesting is that some women folk say they are not dating others, but they act like they are meaning they cancel plans suddenly on Fri or Saturday when you are supposed to go out together, they forget about things that we have planned (when they were initaially excited about whatever the plan was), I know some folks just have bad memories but there is a point when you know the person is seeing others, but is not willing to say it.
I have no problem with a person I am seeing dating others, up until the point where we decide to be with only each other. I don’t need to know what nights you are going out with another dude, just say that you are busy if I ask about your plans and I am good.

http://hispointofview.com

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 26th, 2009
10:30 am

This topic reminds me of one of my Favorite songs.. Feels Good Inc..

Windmill, Windmill for the land.
Love forever hand in hand
Take it all in on your stride
It is sinking, falling down
Love forever love is free
Let’s turn forever you and me
Windmill, windmill for the land
Is everybody in?

Look a cheater is a person who cant tell the other party they are seeing other people.. They choose to lie about it.. A cheater is a person who keeps secrets like people are stupid.. We are grown and dont owe anyone anything, so if you out here lying.. You aint Sh!t!.. And that goes for all you that think a half truth aint a lie.. If you telling half truths.. Again you aint Sh!t!.. And I meant that.. I feel like I dont owe nobody any lies.. It complicates things..

Blue_Kolla

October 26th, 2009
10:32 am

M Plus women kinda like a guy in demand I think.

Or was fuggin’ at least one chick as of last week.

Dream If you’re looking for something more serious let that person know…. You will not waste as much time playing games if you’re just upfront and honest.

A man/woman that states UP FRONT that they’d like a serious, monogamous relationship will more than likely be seen as one who is moving too fast, desperate, psycho, and in possession of stalker traits.

Dan -fighting the homecoming hangover

October 26th, 2009
10:32 am

@Alvin

Bruh, that’s a whole nuther set of worms altogether….(lame vs the “standup dudes”)

Alvin

October 26th, 2009
10:37 am

– If a guy TELLS me that he’s not seeing someone else and his actions support that, I will believe it without question.

SexyCool…Yes, a man actions rarely sway too far from his words…(I think you are the only one who will get what I am trying to say)

Blue…Life is good bruh, I am hoping to pick up a bike during the cold months. I want an ‘09 for the low, LOL.

Dream_n

October 26th, 2009
10:39 am

@ Blue_Kolla

Why is that always a sore spot for men…. I think I just went through this with For Real the other day….

I’m not saying on the first date come out and scare the guy.

But after 2 or three dates if you like this guy and you feel it could go somewhere and your intentions are to be in a serious relationship. Why is it taboo to tell the guy….?