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Great Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can set you for a big let down in dating. A lot of times, we go in to a situation seeking out a companion and heap all these desires in one person. When the person appears to let you down, we use this as an excuse not to try again.

I think men and women both have trouble with unrealistic expectations.  Women expect to go on a few dates and the man will see how fabulous she is and instantly try to have a relationship.  Men expect that when they take the time and money to ask a woman out, she needs to show him it’s worthwhile for him to continue to do so. Some guys think this includes sexual favors, others want the husband treatment.  The things that men who are in a marriage receive, they expect to see in a dating relationship.

The thing about expectations? We rarely ever tell the person what they are. We have discussions and imply and infer them but explicitly saying them outright is simply not normal dating practice. Why is that? Is it because we know that saying them out loud will make us sound slightly wonky?

Really? You expect a man to commit because he thinks you are hot and have a education?  Seriously? You expect a woman to cook and sex you up when you have issues with letting her stay at your house by herself?

What do you think are the expectations that we have in dating that set us up for letdowns?

How do we stop having them? What great expectations for dating do you have and are they realistic?

299 comments Add your comment

czBrat

October 22nd, 2009
8:43 am

GM All!

Really? You expect a man to commit because he thinks you are hot and have a education? Seriously? You expect a woman to cook and sex you up when you have issues with letting her stay at your house by herself?

LOL. That is just toooo funny! As for expectations, I guess I just see that as each person’s standard. What’s wrong with setting your standard as to what you want in a mate? If time and repeated attempts prove your standard may be unattainable, then you can make the decision to alter it. Otherwise, seek what suits you.

Are my expectations too great because I seek good hygiene, grammer, manners, faith, education, humor, loyalty, honesty, communication and responsibility? I dunno, but that’s what I have to offer so why not expect (at least) as much?

Nonya

October 22nd, 2009
8:48 am

@ czBrat: I totally agree. I neither expect nor require anything of my companion that I myself am not ready, willing, and able to give.

ImAPeach404

October 22nd, 2009
8:54 am

I expect dudes to KEEP doing what they start out doing. And that, my friends, is where I get myself in trouble!

Rectal bleeding

October 22nd, 2009
8:56 am

I find that too many live in a fantasy world created by movies and TV. My experiences seem to be all the women want to date a Richard Gere character. They set their standards to a level that is not attainable. Even Richard Gere is not Richard Gere. I’m not saying he is a bad person, but he is not the characters he portrays in movies. Neither are all the men in the world.

Get past the fantasy ladies and you will find some decent guys out there.

Lady J

October 22nd, 2009
9:00 am

Such a real issue WD….I’m laughing inside bc I’m guilty!!!! LOL I am truly learning just to date and let it happen….non-verbals are key and going extra slow meaning not pressed for convo, going out, etc…I have founded my self going 200 miles in the start but truly have halted the desperate like behavior…I am seeing the chase is fun and it is an order…slow motion and the rest will follow if it is suppose to…just my inner thoughts…lol

Lady J

October 22nd, 2009
9:06 am

Rectal Bleeding sooo true!!!! I am right now wanting to see Spider Man 3, followed by Love Jones, and Brown Sugar for particular romatic scenes to live it out in my mind!!!! LOL soooo true!!! LMAO!!!

Tazzee - boycotting Uptown Comedy Corner

October 22nd, 2009
9:26 am

Morning All!

I had great expectations of seeing Paul Mooney last night…

On topic – I’m like czBrat – I don’t expect anything outrageous. I haven’t had those movie/fantasyland expectations since I was in my mid-20s. Like ImAPeach404 – consistency is key. I expect a man to be consistent and do what he says he’s going to do. AND if I tell a man on the first date that I’m not a casual dater, but that I date for marriage. I expect him NOT to cop an attitude when I don’t want to enter into a FWB relationship. I expect that when a man tells me he’s not seeing anyone, that I won’t get a call from his fiancee…

Whew! I’m SO glad I’m off the market

Professor is.....

October 22nd, 2009
9:35 am

Good Morning All:

There is nothing wrong with HIGH STANDARDS, however the problem comes in when you have high standards for yourself and demand greatness from yourself, and try to bestow this on others. Everybody does not want to be great! You have people that make it through life doing just enough to get by, and guess what they are doing just enough in relationships too.

Well I have come to grips with this and I still have high standards and expectations for me, but I allow reasonable expectations for others. That means the past is the best indicator for the future. Example if I go out with a guy and he is late, tells me he is not really a romantic and talks about his job all the time. Well that is what I expect from him and I don’t get mad when he does not bring me roses etc. Now, I know some guys start out being one way and change on you, but red flags are usually there.

Professor is.....

October 22nd, 2009
9:37 am

Hey Tazzee,

I take it the show did not go well, I hope I am wrong. Did you get your lemon pepper wings?

For Real

October 22nd, 2009
9:48 am

Dude: Hey pillow sweater can you make me a sandwich like the one you made two weeks ago?

Chick: Hold on pound bunny, you trying to get the “Husband Experience”

Dude: The what?

Chick: Yeah, I can see what you doing

Dude: Huh? I like the sandwich made for me last time.

Chick: I bet you did! I ain’t falling for the okie!

Dude: WTF!

Chick: You want me to treat you like we married. I want me to cook and clean without ring. Sex and impress without the wedding dress. That ain’t happen potnah!

Dude: So, I want the “Husband Exprience” huh? Lets see I don’t date or sex unless it’s with you, I pay for everything whenever we go out, I fixed your car, I pay for the insurance on the car, I cut your grass, I listen to you when while you ramble on about how every single chick at your office building is jealous of you, I got your lazy ass sister a job, I paid for your blood pressure pills, I bought you the lastest go to have pocket-book, I paid to have your lights turned back on, and I give you gas money every week! Wait a minute…. Dayumm I’m already getting the “Husband Experience”!!! All that ish and I can’t get fuggin sandwich and sex on regular basis!!

Professor is.....

October 22nd, 2009
9:50 am

So, IMO great expectations should be reasonable expectations.

I remember when I was 20 I dated this guy that was 7 years older than me. We were standing outside in his complex when he said I know I cannot be any good right now to anybody, because I need to get some stuff in order: reliable car, repair credit, career etc. When I drove off and reflected on the conversation I knew my expectations for him…me…us were too great, and I dumped him a few months later.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 22nd, 2009
9:53 am

Good topic WD. I label myself as a progressive dater. I always have the expectation that all the other dates were good but they did not work out so to me it means failure. My issue is that I always expect the next date/woman to be better than the last and make this one a success, which is not always true. Sometimes they could end up being worse.

I think what REALLY sets us up for failure is not being honest with ourselves and expecting what we see on tv, hear from our friends, and our own interpretations of what a great dating situation/relationship is and how we are going to get there. I am personally not lowering my standards and expectations, but also not going into a situation expecting to get married that same night. I am just going in and we will see what happens. We stop having them by just relaxing and taking the pressure off ourselves! That’s what dating is, getting to know someone.

Grammar King

October 22nd, 2009
9:57 am

It’s kind of ironic that when you mention having an education, you make a basic grammar mistake, Wise Diva. It’s “an education” not “a education.”

Just doing my job as the Grammar King. I won’t even begin to help out with the individual blog comments, though.

Professor is.....

October 22nd, 2009
10:00 am

@ M dot I totally agree with that 9:53. Expecting the Hollywood, Soap Opera affair is not being realistic, nor is expecting your man to do what a guy did for you 10 years ago. I think it all boils down to reasonable expectations.

Tazzee - boycotting Uptown Comedy Corner

October 22nd, 2009
10:00 am

Professor – I didn’t even get in the place. Apparently they gave out too many comp and discount tickets. The thing is, my friends and I were going to pay for the tickets but got free ones when my friend went to see Jay Anthony Brown on Friday. So they had this long line of folks that had comp and discount tix. Show was supposed to start at 8pm. At 8:15 the guy comes out and tells us that they’re waiting for the 225 ppl that bought tickets to get their VIP seats first. That the joint seat 400 and that we’ll definitely get in – please be patient. BUT, if we wanted to pay we could get in. At this point we’re probably around 50 in line, so we decide to wait. Next thing we know – we hear Paul Mooney on stage!!!

We left, but since we already paid $15 for parking :shock: we went to have dinner at Utopia.

After dinner we saw a line 2 blocks deep for the 10pm show – we wanted to yell out the window and tell those folks they wouldn’t get in…

Dan

October 22nd, 2009
10:01 am

“That’s what dating is, getting to know someone.” – M Dot

Yeah, this ^ is soooo true.

I’d like to add, though, that in getting to know someone [else], know yourself too.

I realized early on that dating is about that “give and take” or rather: reciprocity. When I’m in something and givng of myself with no concessions returned to accomodate the kid, it’s time to be out.

Knowing and being comfortable with who I am as a person (and who I’m growing to be) gives me comfort and strength to relay that to a potential mate. At the point that I’ve stated my capacities, she has informed consent, to proceed accordingly.

I’ve said it here before folks, our expectations have nothing to do with reality. When we [each] learn to deal with life as it is, it makes people, place, situations, and things much more managable.

Oh, good morning.

Tazzee - boycotting Uptown Comedy Corner

October 22nd, 2009
10:02 am

M dot whatever happened with the date and the game? Did you take her?

Professor they did have lemon pepper wings at Utopia but I didn’t cave. I’m saving them for the game Sunday.

Leggs

October 22nd, 2009
10:14 am

I’ve lowered my standards at a pivotal moment in my life when I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t aware that I was operating on a “short list” of expectations. Some lessons are learned the hard way.

All I can do now is expect the same as I give. czB and Nonya said it best. Done deal!

@ForReal, that was cute. Any man that does all that and his woman squeals like a pig (complain), it’s time to look for another woman.

@Tazzee ~ sorry to hear about you not being able to get in. I’ve been there once and the food, at best, is substandard. If I ever venture there again, will definitely eat first!

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 22nd, 2009
10:14 am

@Professor is…..

You are right. I remember when Love Jones, Why Did I Get Married, and all these other movies came out, people were trying to mold their relationships and experiences to be like these movies.

@Dan

I agree with you to. If you are always giving and you feel like you are on a realty show to try to impress her to win her over, its time to bounce.

@Tazzee – boycotting Uptown Comedy Corner

Another friend ended up coming and we all had a great weekend. What happened with the comedy corner? Did they say yall had a table or that you couldnt sit down unless you ordered $50 or more of food and drinks?

IWLDLIKE2DATE

October 22nd, 2009
10:17 am

All I expect is the guy to call when he says he is going to call. If you say within a few minutes it needs to be within a few minutes. I am tired of checking my phone every two minutes or wondering what your doing. I am a beautiful, successful, spiritual, independent woman doing her thing. I want someone doing the same. No half stepping allowed here.

P.S. **I am still wondering why the guy who says he is not ready for me will be married in a year. Was is it me or him?***

For Real

October 22nd, 2009
10:18 am

The problem with expectations is that it is filled with that person’s prospectives. Remember everything is relative including success. So set expectations with a grain of salt.

M.: Excellent post.. Dating is suppose to be a fun activity not an interrogation. That’s why I give all the pertinent info in the first date and my only expectation is to have fun. If I’m not having fun I leave.

Tazzee: Dayummm!!! And they will be asking themselves what happened when they are closed.

czBrat

October 22nd, 2009
10:18 am

Tazzee i was in the 8pm line!!! we got there kinda late and were so far in the back that we knew it wouldnt be worth hoping for seats. i”m soooooo disappointed :( sorry you didn’t get to enjoy the show. very glad you still had a good time with your friends.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 22nd, 2009
10:21 am

@Tazzee – boycotting Uptown Comedy Corner

“I expect that when a man tells me he’s not seeing anyone, that I won’t get a call from his fiancee…”

I know you said you date for marriage, but what if the guy is cool but not at that stage yet and tell’s you he is dating, how do you respond or you guys can’t deal with each other?

For Real

October 22nd, 2009
10:21 am

IWLDLIKE2DATE = A wolf pack of 1

Dan

October 22nd, 2009
10:25 am

Wait?

Not trying to start a fight but how does:

“I am a beautiful, successful, spiritual, independent woman doing her thing.”

=

“I am tired of checking my phone every two minutes or wondering what your doing.”

Really?

Please elaborate….

2CPTG

October 22nd, 2009
10:25 am

’sup folks……I expect alotta shyt, I ain’t gon’ lie!

I expect if we’ve planned to go out, you be ontime..

I expect if YOU ask for the date, you gon’ pay!

I expect if YOU invite me over afterhours, it’s goin’ down!

I expect if you say we’re just friends, then don’t you expect more..

I expect if you give me your number you gon’ answer the phone…

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 22nd, 2009
10:26 am

Tazz I’m waiting for Sunday’s game,too….my brother is a die hard Dallas fan and I’m going for the home team so we gone have us a beer drankin,wing eatin good time.

On topic: I don’t have unrealistic expectations for men b/c I don’t want any placed on me. The only thing I expect/want is reciprocity between he and I….since I’m still not dating right now this time alone gives me the space to realize who I am,what I want and what I have to offer to another should that situation arise. A woman knows how a man feels about her by the way he treats her and vice versa.

Leggs

October 22nd, 2009
10:27 am

@IWL2D, you’re a little twisted. Are you on this blog for entertainment?

Dream_n

October 22nd, 2009
10:29 am

Good Morning All :)

If I expect to get 100%, I believe I need to be giving 100%.

I can’t ask for more than I am willing to give, it just seems unfair. If I ask him to go get me a tune/up and he does.. is it so hard for me to return a favor if he asks me….

Some women/men want a man/woman to do XYZ, but are not willing to do XYZ in return. You can’t walk around thinking your sh!t don’t stink and everyone owes beacause you belive you’re a great catch. That mind set will get you put in the corner alone!

Nothing wrong with having high expectations in a mate that YOU have to spend your time with, but also bring something to the table other than a nice face.

Is it so bad to want a guy with his own apt, own car,career, education, morals, and all that other good stuff…. Now I don’t think that’s too much to ask for… Hell that’s just the basics of being a man :)

IWLDLIKE2DATE

October 22nd, 2009
10:29 am

@For Real & Dan – Yes sometimes I am anxious. I have always been the type to go after what I wanted to make it happen. I tackled high school, college, first full time job, moving to another city from a small town, practically everything in my life I’m on it. So yes it spills over into my dating.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 22nd, 2009
10:30 am

2CP I’m liking that 10:25….especially the after hours invite…

Demiwhere you at,yo?

IWLDLIKE2DATE

October 22nd, 2009
10:31 am

@ Leggs – No I am not twisted. Just naturally anxious.

2CPTG

October 22nd, 2009
10:32 am

how many of y’all are REALLY willing to tell the truth? if you ain’t expecting “nothing”, then what ya dating for? c’mon, keep it 100, we all expect something, if not, we’d all stay at home and watch T.V.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 22nd, 2009
10:33 am

**I am still wondering why the guy who says he is not ready for me will be married in a year. Was is it me or him?***

Sounds like he wasn’t ready for YOU or may’ve thought you were too much for him(not in a bad way) or mayge you were outta his league….I’m jus’sayin

Ms. Main

October 22nd, 2009
10:35 am

Are my expectations too great because I seek good hygiene, grammer, manners, faith, education, humor, loyalty, honesty, communication and responsibility? I dunno, but that’s what I have to offer so why not expect (at least) as much?

Amen CZBrat

IWLDLIKE2DATE….girl, what’s the problem? You’re thinking too much about what you don’t have. Get busy doing something, heck anything…shopping is a good way to kill some time. Too much time maybe? Stop looking and thinking about it. It will happen then.

Grammar King…what’s wrong? Huh?

IWLDLIKE2DATE

October 22nd, 2009
10:36 am

@Sassy – He is working at Wendys part time on the grill and I am an analyst. So maybe that was it. I don’t know.

Melo

October 22nd, 2009
10:37 am

Some guys think this includes sexual favors

WISE..u really funny with that statement! :lol:

Dream_n

October 22nd, 2009
10:38 am

2CPTG

Your 10:25 funny but true

HARLEY GUY

October 22nd, 2009
10:41 am

I DONT GIT IT I DRIVE A NICE CAR(MUSTANG) AND A HARLEY YET I HAVE TROUBLE DATING ONE WOMEN TOLD ME I NEED 2 MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOME BUT THEN I CANT AFORD HARLEY AND STANG I THINK WOMEN JUST WANT 2 MUCH.

For Real

October 22nd, 2009
10:42 am

Dream: “Is it so bad to want a guy with his own apt, own car,career, education, morals, and all that other good stuff” – No it’s not too much to ask for but here where a person’s prospective come into play:

Own apt – Is Perry Homes ok?
Own car – How’s a 73 Gremlin that he has to open the passenger side from the inside
Career – Does 14 yrs as a Stamp & Envelope licker count
Education – Graduate from High School
Morals – I don’t see nothing wrong with a little bumpin & grindin

Leggs

October 22nd, 2009
10:42 am

Ok, IWL2D, because you’re answers are in your posts. You’re too eager. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t playing around here. Re-read some of the things you type. You already know you’re a stalker, which isn’t good. Just tone it down a bit. If someone says they’re call and they don’t, don’t fret! Still sounds like a comedy bit.

Melo

October 22nd, 2009
10:45 am

I’ve been there once and the food, at best, is substandard.

Thats not even ur best Leggs.Food there is atrocious! The whole place inside is rotten anyway! Stinky,sticklin tables…ouwwwwww..im throwing eep(up)! :lol: :lol:

2CPTG

October 22nd, 2009
10:45 am

Dream_n, wasn’t trynna be funny, but seriously, everyone has some level of expectations…you ain’t gon’ tell me when y’all go out it’s simply to have a good time; alotta y’all Expect somebody to approach you! And dudes EXPECT to holla at a female……hell, I do! Ain’t gon’ lie, when I step out, I expect shyt to happen!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...there can be only one :-)

October 22nd, 2009
10:47 am

IWLD sounds like maybe he did think you were outta his league or that he was outta his….either way you’ll find him don’t press…..it’ll soon come. That being said, don’t settle.

IWLDLIKE2DATE

October 22nd, 2009
10:50 am

@Leggs – I love to laugh. Family trait. It comes out sometimes.

Ms. Main

October 22nd, 2009
10:52 am

Heck, I expect EVERYTHING!

Ms. Main

October 22nd, 2009
10:52 am

Heck, I expect EVERYTHING!

Dan

October 22nd, 2009
10:57 am

@Melo

I found comedy in that part of it as well.

@Iwld

You may need some prozac, xanxax, or a release of hormonal pressure.

That you “tackled” the events you name in life doesn’t make you “anxious” it’s made you exitable and self-congratulatory. More than anything, realize that (in the larger scheme of the world) your climb wasn’t as steep as some; or a easy as others.

Dream_n

October 22nd, 2009
10:57 am

@ For Real

smh… Then I must be shallow, cause none of that won’t work for me…

Damn do you have to play the devils advocate on err thang :)

@2CPTG
“you ain’t gon’ tell me when y’all go out it’s simply to have a good time;”

I’m going to have to oppose you on this one! When I go out it is for me to have a good time with the girls!

Leggs

October 22nd, 2009
10:59 am

Haaaaaaaaa, I was trying to be nice. I was surprised over the setup when I got inside. It looks like a fire trap. My tickets were free and I didn’t have to stand in line. I was curious about the hype over Uptown and wanted to see. Although I’m openminded, all the jokes about a person’s “honey pot” and “dip stick” were ridiculous at best.

@HarleyGuy, please meet IWldLk2Date….

When I go out, I expect a guy to notice me and speak to me. Doesn’t always happen, but it is an expectation of mine.