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We took it there, now what?

It doesn’t matter what kind of modern day dating mantra single people chant, sex changes a situation.  Whether you admit it or not, something is happening in the aftermath of an encounter.

It can get frustrating because we don’t always understand the “whys’ and the “whats” that are involved after you are intimate with someone. What do you think changes after sex has been introduced in a dating relationship?

I would say that the primary reason things change for women is the emotional value we assign to it.  In a lot of cases, it appears to  not match the guy’s level of emotion, which in turn brings on a different set of reaction and behavior.

What happens after you seal the deal? Do you act differently? Do you have a discussion about it? If it is casual only, do you make that clear at that point or before you even take it there?

307 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

October 21st, 2009
9:02 am

Morning Wise (and insightful) Diva, and All,

I’ve said many times here that sex ALWAYS changes the dynamics of a relationship. For once I will keep it simple…before sex enters the relationship, it is about discovery, learning about the person, basking in the attention…once sex is introduced it is often all about the sex, and the other aspects of the relationship often suffer.

I am not saying I am against sex, in fact I love it as much or more than anyone else, but I always take time after a relationship ends to think through what happened, good or bad. Once sex was introduced I almost always let the “little head” take too important a “managerial” role.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

October 21st, 2009
9:09 am

One little, and probably inappropriate, analogy about sex entering into a relationship. It is really easy to let the sex, especially if it is really good, become like a pinball machine or a video game for a man. Until the enthusiam wears off, he wants to play as often as possible, trying to break his old record score each time. It becomes a challenge to take it higher and higher and higher…at least for me.

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
9:28 am

Three Words Daily – Be glad. Rejoice.

Hopeless Romantic

October 21st, 2009
9:29 am

I agree Randy, sex ALWAYS changes the relationship. I was in a very good friendship for a couple of years. We talked frquently, did things together. I actually thought at one point that he was gay. But then, Bam, once we had sealed the deal, I wanted it to grow deeper and he pulled back, wasn’t as available to talk or do things. I lost a good friend in the process who I still keep in touch with at arms length…because I want something different than he wants. But this experience confirmed once again, that sex does in fact change the dynamics of the relationship.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 21st, 2009
9:29 am

Interesting topic. I think the biggest thing that changes for a guy is to the challenge aspect. I think once you get conquered by a guy, in SOME cases, the guy feels like he won and what’s next. That’s why women should not make themselves a QUEST i.e., making a guy chase you around 285 for 6 months. I am not saying just jump into it with every guy, but also there needs to be a balance. Let that marinate….Question for the Wise and the ladies, is there a formula that they use before deciding to take it there? What makes you want to close the deal?

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
9:33 am

“Sex changes things.”

My exact quote to MND afterwards. So far, though, nothing has. I think though that it is because MND has made it VERY CLEAR that he is ready to settle down and get married and make babies. So, perhaps, for him, the sex was not about “I saw. I CAME. I conquered.”, but more like just the next step.

Last night, we were standing in line outside Uptown and he says to me, “You keep doing what you’re doing and you’re gonna be married to me before you know it.”

I am beginning to heart that dude. ~blushing~

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
9:39 am

Well well well,

I truly value my body, no one night stands or sex after just a few weeks or months of knowing someone. So once I seal the deal with being intimate other things have evolved as well. I know this is going to sound like a fantasy to those that are liberal with their bodies and promiscuous, but hey I just happen to be raised a certain way and that is how I roll.

I guess I will lurk a little on this topic.

Dream_n

October 21st, 2009
9:40 am

Good Morning :)

I believe SEX changes things, whether its for the bad or for the good:)
I haven’t had many experiences, but I can say for both instances I became a little vulnerable… lol.

MR. Unknown

October 21st, 2009
9:42 am

“Epiphany”, Ohhhhhhhh, She wants me to love her…… The way she would love her………… If she was me!! Kent Foreman, Classic,, Haiku,,

Good morning all.. Sex is a means to an end for us guys…

Dream_n

October 21st, 2009
9:43 am

or months

Darn Professor… what they have to do wait years lmao!!

j/k.. I’m with you… I place value on SEX although some don’t and that’s totally cool with me :) No one night stands, no sex within 2 weeks of meeting you. I need to know more that just your first name, plus there has to be a connection there. You have to be able to stimulate me mentally first before you can even think about the physical aspect.

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
9:50 am

@M.

Wise and the ladies, is there a formula that they use before deciding to take it there?

I do not have a formula that I use, but I realize for ME that I am still learning the person in that 4-12 weeks stage and that is too soon for me. I need to see a lot of things…things that are silly to some, but essential to me: hygiene not just the basic stuff, but going to the dentist and seeing your PCP, how the person relates to friends and family (does he tell everyone’s business) is he nosey, credit issues, money woes etc.

What makes you want to close the deal?

I close the deal when I know that I can deal with the person for who they are and vice versa. Also when I feel the connection as well with no red flags. Sex does not make a connection for me, but it strengthens what was already there.

Hopeless Romantic

October 21st, 2009
9:51 am

Mr. Unknown 9:42, when you write: Sex is a means to an end for us guys

what do you mean?

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
9:57 am

When I had sex with MND for the first time, it was not to seal the deal. It was because I was aroused by his kisses and his touch.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 21st, 2009
9:59 am

@Professor is…..

Good response. I was not implying that people should just jump into it with everybody lol.

Dream_n

October 21st, 2009
10:00 am

is there a formula that they use before deciding to take it there?

A formula.. that’s funny.
I think it differs from each person.. some people feel that connection right away with a person and they feel comfortable having sex… some have to go a little more in depth to figure out if they are even worth it. Like we were talking about yesterday… it takes a while to actually know someone.. some people send their representatives out on a couple dates with you before the actually let their guard down.. and I’ll be damned if I have sex with the representative!

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:02 am

Wassup Dream,

I have high standards and I value ME. Sex is the one thing you cannot take back, so I just refuse to rush it, and so far it works for me. There have been times that I declined and in the words of R. Kelly “My minds telling me no but my body my body’s telling me yeah” (I am singing it to girl…lol) in those cases I go with my mind and tell my body to dry off and cool down. Guess what my mind was correct! I don’t need everything I see and want. Not to mention one of my names have a strong meaning and I always wanted to live up to the meaning of my name or at least come close.

I believe in morals and values and I have a strong sense of self, so for me casual sex does not work and I let that be known up front. And, the ultimate turn off to me is a grown azz man acting like he is 16 with a wet dream…bugging me about getting some or bringing it up all the time. TURN OFF

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:05 am

.. and I’ll be damned if I have sex with the representative!

RIGHT ON!!!

A Regular

October 21st, 2009
10:05 am

Wisey get out of my head! It’s been a while, this situation being, since the encounter but I found myself sort of pondering on my drive in today. We had the discussion PRIOR to sealing the deal. However we somehow disconnected. The dynamics always changes and for women not just to another level, another planet. I didn’t skip nor skit. I stated my observations. Where am I now? Where is he now? I’ve moved on with my life but not from this situation. I’m most certain he’s moved on as well. We haven’t and aren’t able to talk. Which breeds another beast. Tomorrow will be two weeks since he surprisingly called as we haven’t talk and now, I’m back to pondering. When he called, I put out the “not interested” sign.

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:09 am

@M.

Thanks I know you were not implying that we jump in the sack, but I know for me I would be mad if I did the nasty and found out certain things. Example I was talking to this guy and we were around the 6-8 weeks stage and I noticed buildup on his bottom teeth. TURNOFF! Right at the baseline by his gums…I had not seen that before. Or, I was on the phone one night with this one guy and he had been eating while we were on the phone and when we were getting off the phone I wished him a goodnight and I said something about him brushing his teeth and me mentioned taking care of it in the morning. NASTY, now you have chicken and potato chips on top of morning breath. What if these dudes had got in my goodies? I would still be mad

Dern...this soon?

October 21st, 2009
10:11 am

When I had sex with MND for the first time, it was not to seal the deal

Isn’t the MND about as new as six weeks?! Derrrrrn that was quick

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
10:13 am

Your point?

Last I checked, this was and is my body. I am grown and I fck who I want to when I want to.

Any questions?

Leggs

October 21st, 2009
10:14 am

@Professor ~ your post almost made me misty eyed. Excellent post and love your position!

Dern...this soon?

October 21st, 2009
10:18 am

I am grown and I fck who I want to when I want to.

Derrrrrrn, you’re hostile

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:18 am

Leggs,

It took me a while to come to grips with who I am and what I believe in and what matters to me. I spent years hiding all of that and would just give excuses, but I am comfortable with me now. It took some time.

Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot to me.

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
10:19 am

Not hostile. Matter of fact.

Ms.Main

October 21st, 2009
10:19 am

Sex always changes things. Either it gets really cloudy or propels forward.

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:23 am

@ Ms. Main I agree with that 10:19

Leggs

October 21st, 2009
10:26 am

LOL @SCool, yes ma’am!

MR. Unknown

October 21st, 2009
10:26 am

@ Hopeless Romantic Just means, thats an objective of ours.. A goal in mind… Starting point would be dating getting to know the person ect… Im not staring at you imagining how you look in a wedding dress… Most guys including myself, can usally tell what the future holds for the woman that we are dating right off the bat. So we decide, if its just going to be sex or sex with kids, marriage, life time Obligation.

Ohhh an just a side note,, if a guy is begging for sex,, there is usally one of two things going on.. One: he has no other options or is just lame aZZ hell, or Two: He’s really really into you and he is trying to avoid slipping or falling in bed with the easy jumpoff, that is now calling him at 2 in the morning..

Melo

October 21st, 2009
10:28 am

A Regular..??

Jus post under ur usual blog name..it will make the discussion more interesting and fun and rewarding,esp for u…

The blog ladies will sing to u, a Kumbaya “live and learn”,im sure!

Its hard 4 the conscience to be hiding,anyway!!

Curiousity is killing me tho,i must admit :lol:

Willie Dynamite

October 21st, 2009
10:31 am

Morning All,

Pretty good topic. It will be interesting to see some of the responses.

We all know the reponses are going to be from the ‘My body is a temple’ crowd. The X factor is just what the topic is about What Now. I use to see that for the most part not many people put emphasis on the aftermath. For some Men So much energy and time is put into the chase or conquest that when it completed its done. Kind of like Salmon spawning once its over they die mission accomplished move on to the next chick. For some women its all about what to do to keep a guy from getting the puddy. In her mind once he gets the puddy then hes spose to fall head over heels for her. Not Hapn that way. Then the guy is a jerk for passing up this fabulous catch. I always enjoyed the chase so to speak but it was never the beginning or end for me. I just looked at it as part of the journey. Not a roadbloack, speed bump or destination. That has kept me from getting too high or too low over a piece. I’d rather look at the total package and take it for what its worth.

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:32 am

Hey Melo,

I agree it would make the discussion more interesting if everyone posted under their usual blog name.

…that is the curiousity in me. :-D

Ms.Main

October 21st, 2009
10:34 am

Professor…funny thing the way that happens

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
10:35 am

This Dern person is obviously a regular as well. And quite frankly, I have my guess about exactly who it is.

A Regular

October 21st, 2009
10:36 am

Melo any thoughts? Am I being shallow to not wanting to talk now?

Ms. Main

October 21st, 2009
10:39 am

Anybody heard from ARed? She ain’t chimed in for a few days now.

MR. Unknown

October 21st, 2009
10:39 am

lol How do you ladies react if a guy is not trying to have sex with you, but he is dating you??!? What if a guy uses your logic in regards to sex, and is all emotion about it. Is that how a guy gets labeled the “NICE GUY”?

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:40 am

:evil: call ‘em out

Professor is.....

October 21st, 2009
10:41 am

I was wondering where ARed was too. I cannot remember if she mentioned any traveling, but it has been a while for her.

Dream_n

October 21st, 2009
10:42 am

Willie Dynamite

i like your post..

I think that’s why some of us put a little more emphasis on watever route we choose to take… the waiting route or the jump right into it route… because of the aftermath…

i’m with professor though, when i finally give myself to you.. all the other components of the relationship will be in place… ie: I know your government name, your place of residence, what you like, what you don’t like, where you work, your mom, dad, your siblings, your interests, fav movies, color, dish… We’re comfortable, your actions/words are on the same plane.. you love me… i love you… all that warm and fuzzy stuff!! :)

czBrat

October 21st, 2009
10:44 am

GM All!

late morning for me but “awwwww” @ SexyC 9:33 how was the show? we’re going tonight.

For Real

October 21st, 2009
10:46 am

Wise: Or any other female that wants to answer. What deal are you talking about sealing? In the words of Truth, “What are you fuggin for?”

Ms. Main

October 21st, 2009
10:47 am

. I always enjoyed the chase so to speak but it was never the beginning or end for me. I just looked at it as part of the journey. Not a roadbloack, speed bump or destination. That has kept me from getting too high or too low over a piece. I’d rather look at the total package and take it for what its worth.

Nice stance…..liked his post too

Dream_n

October 21st, 2009
10:48 am

Some people may get the wrong idea that i’m knocking them for their route.. so let me just say hell I don’t care… just try to be safe… A close person of mines had sex on the first night she met her dude and 2 yrs later, they’re still going strong… in luv.. I see wedding bells in the near future lol!! (smile)… So i don’t knock anyones choices.

Hell I waited 5 months b4 having sex with my current and was pregnant the next month lol!!! so who am I to talk!

was that too much.. oh well!

Melo

October 21st, 2009
10:48 am

A Regular..??

what u goin thru,im sure every girl goes thru same..reason is,once u do the do,u dont know for sure if the guy u think u really want to luv will take it in stride or go ghost after that.Its always the mystery that women discover after the fact,i guess.

But u wld rather talk about it,coz it frees ur mind,than willow in the excruciating angst of,”is he gonna call and be serious??, or is he not??
Too much time to waste on smebody who may not be all that serious.
Just be u and in future,just learn to protect ur heart a lil bit more untill u pretty close to knowing him a lil more.

Just be u!
Dont worry about that which u have no control..meaning..Him!

czBrat

October 21st, 2009
10:52 am

perhaps an unusual position for a chick to take (no pun intended), but frankly sex is just pleasure for me. not a deeper connection (sorry, again). so the “what next” is simply, let’s keep it moving and see what happens.

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
10:54 am

czB – Paul Mooney is the angriest Black man in America. He does not like white people and will say anydamnthing.

I can have somewhat tender sensibilities about some things. So, some of what he talked about was a bit on the strong side and maybe even dark for me but funny nonetheless.

With all that said, though, I still think he’s a brilliant frickin’ comedian.

SexyCool - Status - At about 5.13 on the Cloud Scale

October 21st, 2009
10:57 am

Sex is pleasure and connection for me depending on the person. Because it really can be just for pleasure.

Leggs

October 21st, 2009
10:57 am

@WillieD ~ ‘My body is a temple’! In this day and age more and more women believe this. I talk about sex here because I’m not getting any of it. Not because it’s not offered but because I value ME and my body and don’t want to lay with just anyone. It amazes me how quickly quite a few men talk about sex. Although I admire their honesty in letting me know what they want, I admire myself even more to stay clear. If you can’t date me you sure as hell can’t phuck me!

@Unknown, that type of man is worthy of my attention.

I spoke w/ARed over the weekend and she’s fine. Didn’t ask where she was, but she’s fine!

Willie Dynamite

October 21st, 2009
10:58 am

For Real – Good question. Several days ago some answered that by saying they did it cause they liked sex (shocker). The rest gave the standard Biblical/God, Duty answer.