Dating Apathy Syndrome
If you have gone on nothing but bad first dates, you probably haven’t noticed that the reason may not have anything to do with other people. It could be you, the tired and bored dater. Meeting people and going out with them, only to find no connection can result in a loss of excitement about dating.
You may even reach the point where you just kind of check out altogether and go through the motions. You’re in this weird auto-pilot mode of dating. You don’t particularly care about who you agree to go out with, as long as their breathing and sane. You are dangerously closed to dating apathy.
Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close. You have to get out of this stage as quickly as you can. This is the point when some people settle for any person with a pulse, just to get out being the single, unmarried one.
Have you ever experienced dating apathy? Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?
I think the number one cure for dating apathy syndrome is to only date someone who excites you. No more boring dates with people you have nothing in common with or feel a connection. Find someone that stimulates you on more than one level. This burst of stimulation is a good way to knock you out of the dating apathy phase.
What do you think are good ways to keep from being apathetic? How do you get out of your dating ruts?
How can you tell if you have dating apathy syndrome?
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187 comments Add your comment
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
8:55 am
Good Morning…great topic!!
First, let me thank you WiseDiva for giving this “grey area” in my life a name…I’ve been trying to figure out what to call it…LOL This sentence here “Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close” pretty much sums up my feelings.
I’ve chosen to take a break. There comes a time when one has to assess her/his situation, wants, needs and motives and elect to “sit on the bench” for a minute. I’m honest with me first and I know right now, 1)I’m not emotionally ready to connect with anyone on that level and 2) I haven’t really met anyone that stimulates me on more than one level and makes me feel like they’re worth the risk. In this time, I’m focusing on other things…school, my family and investing more time into me…even in my 30’s I’m still getting to know myself. This process isn’t always pretty but it’s essential and can only benefit in future relationships.
Tripster
October 20th, 2009
9:19 am
I’m trying to get one out of my house now, after that time (which is coming soon) I will be taking a sabbatical from all dating scenes, even the FWB ones. I need to re-group and re-evaluate what I’m looking for and stop settling for the ones I have in the past.
Turd Ferguson
October 20th, 2009
9:20 am
YES…many times the Turd has ventured into meaningless first dates, however, one must retain a proper perspective. If 15 minutes into the date one has established a mistake has been made then the following question bears a serious consideration…”Perhaps a one night stand is in order?”
Or perhaps an after dinner back seat or behind the dumpster make-out session with lots of groping etc.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
9:40 am
Three Words Daily – Seeds bear fruit.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
9:41 am
“How do you get out of your dating ruts?”
Get into a relationship.
M. (pronounced M dot)
October 20th, 2009
9:46 am
Great question WD.
I feel like I am on hiatus also. I agree with Deeva’s comment also. I guess to get out of my rut, I want to deal with situations and that have potential which can lead to excitement. I have been in Atlanta for almost 4 years and have had my share of dates (good and bad). Also to get out of my rut, I am trying not to force anything. It sounds easy, but it always feels good to go in with no expectations and to just let it unfold and see what happens. It takes alot of pressure off.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
9:51 am
Have you ever experienced dating apathy?
Ohh yea!
Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?
I like sitting on the bench when this happens, which gives me time to reflect and self examine myself.
How can you tell if you have dating apathy syndrome?
I will either cancel the date or I will make excuses not to go..,I simply pull out and do not want to date.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
10:01 am
Serious answer to the getting out of dating ruts – Get out of the house. There are tons of free stuff to do in Atlanta so that you don’t go broke trying to entertain yourself.
Get involved in more activities. Find a new hobby. Pull up a seat on a bar stool at some of your favorite restaurants and talk to people. Spend more quality time with your friends and their friends.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
10:06 am
Good Morning All
Dating Apathy Syndrome… I like that term WD!
I don’t understand continuing to go on dates with people you have absolutely no interest in…
Deeva4Life’s approach is best when you feel as though you’re in a rut… take a break! Maybe you’re going on too many non-productive dates.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
10:08 am
Also, my bouts of ‘dating apathy’ have been more of a result of deciding to bow out of the “games people play” because I rarely have only first dates.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
10:14 am
Hey Dream!
You are correct…it can happen when you are going on too many non-productive dates. Also I look at dating apathy as not just a one date thingy, but something that occurs when you just get sick and tired of the same old jiving around. You can go out with the same person for a month and lose interest to…especially if that person sends a representative.
BlueeyedSara
October 20th, 2009
10:26 am
Last year I did become apathetic after a number of dates with men who were recently divorced and still angry with their ex-wives so I made the decision not to date at all this year. This decision was reinforced by an injury requiring therapy and the threat of being laid off. When the new year begins, my resolution is to become active again, after being rejuvenated (hopefully) by this hiatus. Plus, the most important question I will ask is: how long have you been out of a relationship?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
10:31 am
GM All!
can’t say that i identify with today’s topic, but i’ll lurk and look forward to your comments.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
10:32 am
It’s almost at a point where it is a surprising and refreshing breath of air to meet someone who is serious about dating and who wants to pursue a relationship.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
10:33 am
czB – will definitely be at Uptown tonight.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
10:34 am
Morning to you Professor,
Ahh the representative… lol
Yeah that could also be another reason to be hesitant about keeping the “dating” aspect of your life alive.
Fred G. Sanford, Jr.
October 20th, 2009
10:55 am
No dating apathy here.
For me, going out with a woman requires an investment of time, money, and other resources. It makes absolutely no sense to waste all of that by going through the motions with someone I’m not really interested in. My real dates are few and far between for this reason.
abc
October 20th, 2009
10:59 am
Dating apathy and relationship doom and gloom is a constant theme here, albeit not often named as such.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
11:01 am
Dream,
Yes I have seen the representatives that say all the nice things and do all the nice things…that give me dating apathy more than anything. Sometimes I feel that in order to say we are truly relationship compatible we need to go through something…six months of PMS, cold/flu season and not to mention a little compromising on some key issues otherwise you could be dealing with some ‘sweet nothings.”
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
11:01 am
SexyC … i’m gonna have to break down and just go. Paul Mooney is tooooo funny to miss. Enjoy!
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
11:06 am
MND and I had the ‘representative’ conversation last night. He and I agreed that it normally takes about three to six months for the ‘representative’ to disappear.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
11:13 am
Professor
lol@ “sweet nothings”
That representative subject is highly debatable! I couldn’t send in a representative. My personality is too etched in me to be someone I’m not! I may tone down my sarcasm b/c some people do not take too kindly to it, but I’ll still slip a couple remarks in..
When we speak of representative are we talking about changing your whole “you” or toning down some areas about yourself that may not come off too attractive??
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
11:15 am
“Dating apathy and relationship doom and gloom is a constant theme here, albeit not often named as such.”
Isn’t that the purpose of this dating blog? To discuss the above! If everyone was blissfully happy and content, there’ll be no need for Misadventures!
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
11:16 am
Those representatives are something else, but usually a red flag will wave at you here and there, but some are pros.
@Blueeyedsara I always ask how long a guy has been out of a relationship. I want to know if he is new and bitter or a life long player.
@Mr. Sanford I agree about the time and money I would rather sit home and listen to Phyllis Hyman than to be out and not having fun…hell hand me a snuggie and a sangria!
Malik
October 20th, 2009
11:23 am
I have certainly been in the Apathy zone but its so intolereable for me that it seldom lasts long. My question would be how do you overcome the obvious solution and ‘date someone exciting’? I have been finding that as I am rapidly approaching middle age that most women think they are far more exciting and adventurous than the actually are.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
11:25 am
I think that some of what we call a ‘representative’ is just really putting your best foot forward to impress and attract a person.
When I say that the ‘representative’ disappears, I’m talking about what Professor mentioned – six months of PMS, being sick and compromising when necessary. You don’t get to be your best all of the time.
So, yes, I can give you all sunshine, goodness and light when I’m around you a few hours every week or on the weekends when we first begin our journey. But what am I going show you or who am I going to be when things are not necessarily going our way.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
11:26 am
Dream
IMO a representative is who the person “thinks” I am looking for. The more experience I gain I am beginning to believe that some folks try to B something they R not and lose the person they R. With that said, I think some folks have fantasized and hide themselves for so long that they don’t even realize they are doing it, because they have been running from self.
At this point in my life I know who I am what I like, what I will deal with and what I will not deal with, hell I knew this at four years old. I know I am sassy and spoiled, but I am also compassionate and gentle, so I present who I am flaws and all and I expect the same from someone I am dating. (We both are making a decision and we need all the info pros and cons). I always find myself wondering was there really a valid reason that dude did not give me the same in return. Example I had a guy that took me out for a really nice dates once and he did this several times. Well if you know me you will know that I can snuggle up on the couch with a PB&J sandwich cut diagonally and not think nothing about it. When we had a disagreement he mentioned that dating me caused setbacks etc., due to the amount he “had” to spend on the dates. WTH because a few times I did not even feel like getting dressed up doing that junk, but that was he playing balla!
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
11:34 am
Anybody wanting to go to the 10 show at Uptown tonight for a pretty big discount. Send me an email and I will give you the details – You need to do this before 12p.
cscfromajc@yahoo.com
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
11:40 am
Question/confession/insight on this one….
So, at what point do you start revealing your less than perfect self? Do you let dude know that PMS is a monster for you and you are going to be one cramping, head rolling, eye batting nut for a few days or do you at like a nice little southern belle and say something PC to him like you have other plans to keep from stepping on his toes. Personally when I am sick I like to be left alone to veg out and hide under the covers…ring the doorbell and leave the juice outside I will get it because I don’t want to be bothered. When is the right time to let this be known? I have had guys tell me “I know you are mean” I always think way are they saying that, but underneath it all they can still tell from my reactions that I am grimy so I like guys like that…they are smart enough to fill me in and I will fill in the blanks they don’t get.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
11:43 am
Okay S/C definition would best describe me… I would want to put my best foot forward, but w/out taking anything away from who I really am..
Professor’s definition would annoy the hell outta me lmao! But there are people out there who conform to be like whoever they are around.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
11:43 am
SexyC … tempting, but we’re shooting for tomorrow night’s show
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
11:48 am
@Dream_n I have met both. I guess I speak on the other one because I can not stand it! (Did you hear me screaming that out loud?) There is nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward as long as you are honest…for that I always check myself to make sure I am playing fair. I will tell a guy I only cook a few times a week at the most so if we have Sunday dinner together…that is not the norm. I don’t pick collards every week!!!!
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
11:49 am
Professor 11:40 similar to what you’re asking (i think), when i first met my current s/o he was amazed at how ‘understanding’ i was if ever he did not call when he said he would or we could not get together as planned. i plainly told him i was that understanding because i had nothing invested in him. there was no attachment yet. i told him that in a committed relationship i’m a lot less understanding and i set higher expectations as to how important our time and plans should be. i wasn’t trying to start off being someone else, nor was i trying to mislead him. i just recognize that certain aspects of my personality are not going to surface unless and until necessary, but i will tell you up front what you can expect. because, as you said, i know myself VERY well.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
11:55 am
Professor…
I don’t think its a matter of sitting your potential partner down and going over a list of things that may have your attitude in a frump!
I think you talk about it when the problem arises… either he doens’t like the approach you take… you don’t like the way he handled it… then you sit down and communicate what eachother could’ve done differently…
For Real
October 20th, 2009
11:55 am
4 out of 5 Doctors say the major cause of Dating Apathy is:
DATING TO GET MARRIED!!!
I have said it before and I will say it again. Stop treating dating like a recon mission. Dating is suppose to be a fun way of meeting people and learning new things. But some chicks turn dating into a hard target search for their man and that ish ain’t cute at all. If a chick says she doesn’t like dating it’s because you wants to be married and she is tired of trying to hit Bugs Bunny’s screw ball.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
11:59 am
that is not the norm. I don’t pick collards every week!!!!
High 5 to you! (I don’t eat collards, but I understand where you are going with it) lmao!!!
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
11:59 am
^5 czBrat on your 11:49 post.
What kills me is when they pull the not calling or cancelling plans as a means of “testing” you to see how you’d respond. Not knowing that 1) all that “testing” me is juvenile and will kill the attraction 2) my response as an acquaintance will be totally different from that of a significant other. Grown folk shouldn’t have to play such games to get to know someone. In time all things will reveal…
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
12:00 pm
<Dream_n i, too, am very sarcastic. one of the first things my s/o mentioned when we met was that his teenage daughter was driving him crazy because she was sarcastic, like her mother. i just smirked and told him if he doesn’t like that quality he sure wasn’t gonna like me. no lies … just fair warning
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:01 pm
@czBrat that is what I mean, and when I see a guy reading me wrong or right I feel like I need to offer some feedback, because we both are making a decision based on the information we have about each other. So if the information is flawed the decision will be flawed as well.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
12:02 pm
That’s a good question and hard for me to answer.
I was raised with the mantra “The same things you did to get the man you gotta do to keep the man. So, don’t start nothing you can’t keep up.”
So, yes, you get all the good up front and it is good that I have no problem continuing. It’s when the bad and the ugly show up that may call for another looksee. But being as vainglorious as I am, I happen to think that my bad and my ugly are not that bad or ugly. But of course, I would.
Shondra
October 20th, 2009
12:03 pm
The whole notion of “dating” is dated. I like getting involved in areas that interest me like enivronmental, sports of all kinds whether I’m a participant or spectator, or gardening. Then I stay open to meet people with similar interests so I don’t have to wade through many one-off type “mistake” dates.
I’m beginning to understand why my parents generation did things the way they did. When you become sexually active, when men become sexually active without commitment, then this is the environment that gets created. With church and a more moral dating environment, they had a better chance to find that someone special – ’cause most people were trying to stay moral. That doesn’t seem to square with how people view things today what with ‘hittin it’ with everyone.
I mean what the old folks say is still true, why buy the cow when the milk’s free.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
12:03 pm
4 out of 5 Doctors say the major cause of Dating Apathy is:
DATING TO GET MARRIED!!!
Please take the degrees away from those Dr.s!!!!
Maybe between the ages of 18-25 you’re dating to have fun and meet new people!
But, after that you can’t fault a woman for taking dating seriously, if not to find a husband, but at least to find someone to spend a promising future with. At 30 i will not be dating to have fun.. I will be dating (if i’m still on the market) to find a potential suitor to spend the rest of my life with… JMO
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
12:04 pm
Deeva you know i’ve actually told him one of the things that impressed me about him was the fact that (before we ever met) anytime he didn’t call or couldn’t meet as planned he would give me this complete accounting and explanation as to what happened. i told him he didn’t know me from a hole in the wall and was under no obligation to explain himself. again, i had invested nothing more than online chat time so it made me no nevermind. but he was trying to be an upstanding guy, and i respected that.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
12:09 pm
Where is Kimmie?
D'Andre
October 20th, 2009
12:15 pm
Dating apathy is cause when a girl’s been with like many, many guys then she wanta to be special wid me. I can’t buy into that. There ain’t nothin special about what I want wid her. Now why she mad about that. She been bonein’ it all time wid everyone but NOW she wanna be special.
Sorry sistah, but mistah ain’t down wid dat.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
12:16 pm
Quite possibly the least amount of responses i’ve seen here. Good topic-I know for myself that before I met my EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL soon wife to be that I dreaded the dating process. I was tired of the bar scene(meeting possible mates),so I went on line. Though I eventually found my soulmate it took time, with personal time down due to work(excuse),I thought this would be the best way to reduce wasted effort. What I found is, that people are people even on the web. About half of what you see,read,& hear is accurate & truthfull,the rest is what you find/meet at the clubs. My Girlfriend and I communicated for over a year before we ever met,mainly due to circumstance. Once we did meet,we’ve been together since. So yes there was apathy but I kept pluggin till I found what I was looking for, and boy am I happy I did.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
12:25 pm
Professor: I think everyone including women should be upfront on the first date. If you are dating to get married you should tell ole boy on the first date. If dude don’t want to be married he should ole girl that on the first date. Now, as far as “representatives” well lets put it in the term of the Matrix. We see ourselves what we believe we are and not as we appear.
Dream: I don’t want to get married nor do I want to be a relationship and I don’t fit your age range and I want fault a chick if they don’t fault me. However, if you are not dating for fun then you are not dating at all. You are interviewing candidates for a life sentencing. Quick question, when do you tell the men you date you want to be married or spend the rest of your life with them?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
12:27 pm
Congrats Hef!
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
12:28 pm
Get $10 off $49 purchases at DSW.com through 10.26.09 using the promotion code SHARELUV
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:29 pm
testing the blog is eating my thoughts….
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:34 pm
@Dream LMAO I don’t mess with collards either I am a turnips, mustards and kale chick!
*******all that “testing” me is juvenile and will kill the attraction*********
Yesss! You put me in the amen corner with that one Deeva!
“The same things you did to get the man you gotta do to keep the man. So, don’t start nothing you can’t keep up.”
@SC now that is true I believe in that mantra as well, I guess that is why I give the warning on some things…I love cooking, but for me there is an entertaining aspect that goes along with it…dishes…good wine…spiced up kool-aid with fruit cocktail so I just can’t come home from work and do hamburger helper that is not me. I always tell my guys the way I do it…a couple times a week is all that are going on. My salads and garlic bread are delicious the other days out the week.
As for the dating to get married that has been going on forever. People used to tell their daughters to find a husband in college. Shoot I had a few friends that were told by their mothers to find a husband in college. Years ago back in 1992 or so I had a friend that went to Mo’house and he said that they were warned that around their Junior and Senior year the ladies would start trying to get serious because they wanted husbands.
I thought about Kimmie earlier when I mentioned sangria…
Ared is missing too, and where is mi amigo Melo?
JD
October 20th, 2009
12:34 pm
I’m about to enter the dating scene again after my divorce. I’ve taken this entire year to be introspective and figure out why my marriage ended. I think I’ve come a long way and know all the mistakes I refuse to repeat, which will make my next girlfriend or wife a lucky woman. I’ve learned a lot about effective communication and how to be a better partner in a relationship.
Now the issue is, how do I learn to date again? Its been 7 years for me. I am not looking forward to approaching women for dates (I tend to be shy), and the internet dating seems to be a waste of time. So I don’t know if I’d call it apathy, but meeting the right woman is certainly challenging in this city.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:36 pm
I so give up on trying to post today.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:36 pm
@Dream LMAO I don’t mess with collards either I am a turnips, mustards and kale chick!
*******all that “testing” me is juvenile and will kill the attraction*********
Yesss! You put me in the amen corner with that one Deeva!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
12:37 pm
@Hef ~ I’ve been considering going online for some time now. Good to read your story! Congratulations!!
For Real
October 20th, 2009
12:40 pm
JD: Define “Right Woman” and dating will be easy for you.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
12:40 pm
As for the dating to get married that has been going on forever. People used to tell their daughters to find a husband in college. Shoot I had a few friends that were told by their mothers to find a husband in college. Years ago back in 1992 or so I had a friend that went to Mo’house and he said that they were warned that around their Junior and Senior year the ladies would start trying to get serious because they wanted husbands.
I thought about Kimmie earlier when I mentioned sangria…
Ared is missing too, and where is mi amigo Melo?
D'Andre
October 20th, 2009
12:41 pm
Part of what keeps a relationship from being special is the enormous set of pyscho-baggage that many girls carry with them. God help you if you catch them after a breakup ’cause it can be scary and I don’t mean Scary Movie.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
12:43 pm
@For Real
You are interviewing candidates for a life sentencing. LMAO.. now that was funny…
You don’t tell the person that you want to marry or spend the rest of your life with them,(in the begining of every date) b/c you don’t know if that’s the person for you silly! But you do let them know that you take this “dating” thing serious and you are not looking to play games or be played with. Not every guy you decide to date is going to be your soul mate, that’s why if you are looking for a life long partner, you don’t waste time. If you see that you both are not on the same path, then make a detour get off the road and keep it moving. Find somenone with the same mindset that you have.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
12:44 pm
czBrat-Thanks! She truly has completed me in ways I never thought would happen. I was your basic Batch for life kind of a guy who enjoyed the fruits available.Then one day I decided that I had enough of the that and was ready to settle down,funny thing though I was a little scared cause I did’nt know if one my earlier flings might just have been the one. I knew I planned on getting married only once,so my mindset had to change. Changing my overly flirtatious and no real goals except fun while it lasted attitude was a challange in itself. Another words to accomplish my goal of finding my one & only I had to change myself mentally. Looking at women differently actually was cool, I took it more seriously and learned alot. My EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL soon wife to be has VERY BEAUTIFUL 12 year old daughter (I never wanted kids) and we are a Family. I look forward to the day when we are married and possibly have another child (hopefully a little girl). I am EXTREMELY happy! So those out there that were in a simular place,Love is there,find it.
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
12:51 pm
Afternoon Folks!
czBrat – not sure if you saw my late post, but I’ll be at the 8:00 Paul Mooney show tomorrow.
On topic: I was entering dating apathy when I met my fiance’. I was sick of the game playing and the many first dates – my plan was to take a break from it all. His approach was different so I thought our first date was just two folks hanging out. I didn’t get the vibe that he was interested in my ‘like that’ – had I got that vibe, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with him.
The relationship progressed the way it did because I decided to try something different. I was ‘trying’ to date for fun – just hang out and not look at him as a potential husband. I think my dating apathy had gotten to the point where I was giving up on getting married. So when he started the full relationship press, I was a little scared. Didn’t want to believe the representative because he was saying the same things the guy I dated before him said. Ultimately, his consistency won me over.
Sunday we were talking about my past relationships and he asked what was different about him – why did I give him a chance? I confessed that, in the beginning, I wasn’t thinking about a relationship with him – just trying to have fun. But I also keep telling him that it was his smile that got him to the third date – during the first date I looked at his mouth and thought ‘we must make it to a third date because I have to kiss those lips’
Hef
October 20th, 2009
12:52 pm
Leggs-My EXTREMELY Beautifull wife to be & I had a rough time explaining to people how we met. We finally broke down and told all,the stigma of going online to find someone was a negative,but the negative was in our heads not in anyone eles’s. Now we now of a few friends that have done the same. So give it a go!
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
12:53 pm
Hef – congratulations!!! When are you getting married?
For Real
October 20th, 2009
12:54 pm
Dream: “But you do let them know that you take this “dating” thing serious and you are not looking to play games or be played with.” – so you don’t tell the dude you are dating that you are dating to get married then…. isn’t that “playing games” or “playing with” someone?
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
12:57 pm
@Hef, you’re quite refreshing to read today. You found the one that completes you, that makes you very happy and has even changed your mind on wanting children. Again, congrats!
Hef
October 20th, 2009
12:57 pm
Tazzee-May 2010! and Thankyou. Congrats to you as well!! Have you set a date?
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
12:58 pm
Afternoon All!
Well I cant contribute much to the topic since I am a newbie to the dating scene since my divorce. However I am finding some of the posts interesting.
Hef – congrats!
SCool – thanks for that DSW hookup!
For Real
October 20th, 2009
1:00 pm
“The relationship progressed the way it did because I decided to try something different. I was ‘trying’ to date for fun – just hang out and not look at him as a potential husband.” – THANK YOU TAZZEE!
Chicks don’t like it when dude put a full court press on the puddy and dudes don’t like it when chicks put the full court press on marrying them. Lighten the fugg up and have some fun for once in your life. Besides everyone looks better when they are smiling. Well except for that S. African track star….
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
1:00 pm
Hef – I met my fiance’ online and I have no problem telling folks that. Shoot, I’ve met some of my close friends online so my folks are accustomed to it by now.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
1:01 pm
Just texted Kimmie – all is well. Work/IT Nazis and so forth.
Ran into Melo on the North Terminal yesterday. Apparently, he is actually working this week.
No word on the Red.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
1:02 pm
Hef sounds like I’m swiss before he got married. BTW, Hef, we get it she’s EXTREMELY Beautiful.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
1:02 pm
Tazzee: Did you meet him at http://www.zipppppppppppppppppppp.com?
Hef
October 20th, 2009
1:03 pm
Leggs-Thanks.I’d like to take the credit,but my love deserves it all. I’ve adapted myself and I know she has as well because we are what the other wants. I know this is cliche but we both gave to get.
The Truth
October 20th, 2009
1:04 pm
For Real, lmao at 4 out of 5 doctors. Is that like fugging for a ring? lol Welcome back to the show.
Shondra, dam you just summed it up. Live your life and meet people that share your interests. They can close the blog now. This is a wrap.
Dre, apparently you didnt read the blog posting rules. Dude, you cant tell these chicks they have a shelf life, even if they do. Sure, a dude is a dog after any activity at all but these chicks are brand new, even if they’ve been run up in and robbed more than the local conveneince store. We’ve learned to turn our backs to the truth. lol
My solution: I was fortunate to have a group of friends that I’d call if I wanted a good date. Great convo, great fun and I knew that my money wouldnt be wasted.
I once went on a date with a chick wearing a sweater so tight you could see the bumps on her nipples. Anyway, she appeared to be a progressive chick with things going on. The more we talked the more I realized that was a show. After an hour of telling me about all her failed relationships and how she was a queen in waiting I couldnt even see her chest anymore. I remember my boys calling me and they were hanging out having fun and I thought to myself, “self, you’d rather be hanging with your boys than sitting with this chick”. Scary thought but the truth. I gave the duress code and they called back on cue with an emergency to get me out of that nightmare. That was my last date ever.
The key is learning that not all dates are good dates
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
1:05 pm
“Well I cant contribute much to the topic since I am a newbie to the dating scene since my divorce. However I am finding some of the posts interesting.” I’m definitely with you, Mo!
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
1:05 pm
For Real – as much as I didn’t want to post that (because you’ve been preaching that for some time) I had to… I’ve never had a problem with me telling guys that marriage was my goal. The problem in the past was looking at them with that goal in mind. Meaning – I started looking at the little things, thinking ‘could I deal with this for the rest of my life?’ – with Mr. Me, I was simply spending time with him and overlooking the little stuff.
Hef – we’re getting married May 2010 also. May 14th to be exact.
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
1:07 pm
For Real –
you are a NUT, no, that’s not where I met him…
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
1:07 pm
@Shondra I see where you are coming from and I have often pondered on wedlock or bedlock…
@Hef congrats! That is truly a great story and I am happy you shared it with us it gives me hope.
@SCool now that is true I believe in that mantra as well, I guess that is why I give the warning on some things…I love cooking, but for me there is an entertaining aspect that goes along with it…pretty little dishes…good wine…spiced up kool-aid with fruit cocktail so I just can’t come home from work and do hamburger helper that is not me. I always tell my guys the way I do it…a couple times a week is all that are going on. My salads and garlic bread are delicious the other days out the week.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
1:08 pm
Tazzee-Cool,I’m happy for you and your finace. Curious,was your online experience what you thought it would be?
East Point's Own
October 20th, 2009
1:10 pm
1:10pm… still on page 1…. guess I did not miss much.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
1:11 pm
Taz – Radio Shack did not have the USB cord that I needed for the camera. I am looking for one on eBay now.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
1:11 pm
Truth: “Is that like fugging for a ring?” – Yeap, how many strokes does it take to get a 3ct ring?
“duress code” – lol… I had a chick tell me once on a date that her looks will get her anything she wanted and that includes you. I was like yeah, um waiter bring the check and her food in a doggy bag I’m out.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
1:11 pm
@Shondra I see where you are coming from and I have often pondered on wedlock or bedlock…
@Hef congrats! That is truly a great story and I am happy you shared it with us it gives me hope.
Thanks for the update of the MIA blog members.
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
1:11 pm
Or…if there is anyone out there who can tell me where I can get a USB cord for a Sony Cybershot, let me know. Thanks.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
1:13 pm
zipppppppppppp did someone say they needed a USB cord?
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
1:16 pm
For Real – frickin’ comedian.
Melo
October 20th, 2009
1:16 pm
Chicks don’t like it when dude put a full court press on the puddy
lurkeiiiing and enjoying my lunch BUT u funny boy!!
Hef
October 20th, 2009
1:16 pm
Prof-Thanks!
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
1:16 pm
@ For Real
I get where you going…Me personally.. No i’m not at the point in my life where I want to settle and get married, but I also don’t fault the women who are looking to get married or spend their life with someone special. There are men that feel the exact same way. Different approaches for different folks. What may work for you, may not work for the next person.
I’m not sayin on the first date.. Start off with.. I want to get married so if you are not with that then I don’t want to talk to you. No, as I stated before you’re not going to have that type of attraction with every guy you meet. The first date is a prelude. You don’t get that deep on the first date, but after a couple you can tell where eachothers heads are at.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
1:18 pm
Leggs – just being honest! LOL!
Hey Truth, how goes it? Been missing you dude, glad you popped in.
I must admit though I am glad to read about successful relationships here
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
1:20 pm
SexyC – you got mail.
@ForReal, you’re going to get arthritis in those two fingers from all that zipppppppppppping you’re doing!
Melo
October 20th, 2009
1:20 pm
u outting me SCool??
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
1:21 pm
Mo how long have you been divorced and how long were you married…just a curious/nosey?
Hef
October 20th, 2009
1:24 pm
Dream_n-I agree,the first date should be a feeling out process. I wanted to see if there was humor & intelligence not just physical attraction. The 1st date should be about being comfortable with each other.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
1:28 pm
Hef/Dream
I agree first dates should be fun…plenty of laughs and good conversation…I expect for the conversation to flow like the Mighty Mississippi. If the there are cricket moments or those “what are you doing next Saturday, because I want take you to the court house and get married.” I am out
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
1:29 pm
Professor – its alright chica, married for 4yrs with him for a total of 8, been divorced for 2yrs now.
The Truth
October 20th, 2009
1:34 pm
Hey Mo, how goes it lady? Hope all is well with you and the little one.
Has the format on this thing just changed?
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
1:35 pm
Mo-thanks I see after 8 years of being off the dating scene you are a newbie.
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
1:40 pm
you know i had to come back and reply about KANDI, *chuckle*:
1. we all know how hard it is to find a nice, caring, loving man and one who will love you back unconditionally and put a rock on da finger. we don’t know him, but Kandi does and she loved him enough to make him her husband. she stated that he was responsible. and if she thinks he’s responsible, there you go!
2. the mother (eyeroll) is ok to voice her opinion but she don’t have to be a bitttch about it. her not participating in fam activities was unfair to Kandi and disgusting to me. she should have set her ugly ways aside and grinned and bared it for Kandi.
3. love can do amazing things . . . only God knew what was instore for them. i sensed a beautiful loving relationship.
4. Kandi is grown!!!
5. i read he was breaking up a fight and got hit in the process. ajcnews.com
6. this is a way to lose your child forever. one of my older friends lost her daughter to this situation trying to keep her away from her boyfriend. now the daughter is married to him and my friend can’t see the grandbabies. smh.
y’all need to learn how to open your hearts more. people make mistakes and they are able to come back and do better than before.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
1:43 pm
Dang Angie, you’re so 2000 and late!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
1:56 pm
Truth – Lil Mo is keeping me on my toes as usual! We are playing soccer now…WHEW!
Professor – yeah and I really was not counting on having to start over again but oh well. Im taking it in stride.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
1:58 pm
@ Mo
What is little Mo going to be for halloween? (if you participate)… and 1 more nosey question lol
Is it hard for you to get back in the dating scene after your divorce? or are you not at that point where you want to date just yet?
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
2:00 pm
Hef – my online dating experience was what I expected, I just wasn’t ready for what I expected. I thought I was ready for marathon dating, but I wasn’t.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:05 pm
i missed so much. i’ll catch up. but i do want to add for Tazzee and Hef i met my s/o online as well!
brb
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:12 pm
3 Testimonials!
i'm swiss
October 20th, 2009
2:13 pm
Congrats, Tazzee. Internet dating can definitely work out — that’s where I met Mrs. Swiss, too (though she still doesn’t like to tell people that).
Heck, I’m internet dating’s biggest fan — I never would have met Mrs. Swiss otherwise. We didn’t really hang in the same circles, and even if I had seen her otherwise, I can pretty much guarantee that I wouldn’t have had the guts to approach her. (I out-kicked my coverage by a loooooooooong ways) 
Lady J
October 20th, 2009
2:16 pm
WOW, WD, I did this for 4 years after the divorce late 20s……Now that is behind me…it was a learning experience to get comfortable in my own skin…..It wasn’t easy and I often question my sanity as I jumped through hoops just to be on a date or make a date happen…Not any more honey….Growth is a beautiful thing…I find myself enjoying group activites now or guess what doing nothing at all…I am not scared of my shadow any more…With that I have since ceased sitting @ the bar just bc….Boy I use to hold it down thinking an overnight miracle was going to take place….I travel more on the weekends and just do what I want to do…With that I am becoming more cognitive as a mother….Gosh I have come a long way just thinking about that dark time and how young my baby was brings a tear….Ok I am over that hump….So overall I value my time and the thought of making something happen with a man longterm is no longer…when it happens it will if it doesn’t it won’t….life goes on and I am in a happy state….A state looking beyond the imperfections and being content with what is for me…I’m truly blessed…looking back it was just a selfish period to want something that wasn’t going to happen….It’s always good to step back and get a grip and start over and move forward….
Hey Mo!:)
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
2:16 pm
Love stories always give me warm fuzzy feelings inside
abc
October 20th, 2009
2:19 pm
It seems to me that if you’re just dating for kicks, not looking for potential relationship and marriage, then you’re probably contributing to the cause of someone else’s ‘dating apathy’.
A friend of mine tells me about all her dates, she’s almost given up on ever getting married. She’ll put up with the most boring, self-absorbed, idiotic airheads, just to have someone to date, and for sex. It’s pathetic. I feel bad for her, but I figure there’s nothing I can do to help.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:22 pm
ok. i’m all outta breath from running reading to catch up.
i agree with Tazzee, my online experience was mostly for fun. i had no intention of actually meeting anyone, i just wanted intelligent, fun and interesting conversation. like For Real said, when you have an agenda the other person can smell the desperation a mile away and will either run or take advantage of it. not to mention that you might make some poor choices because you’re trying to fit the person into a mold of exactly what (you think) you’re looking for.
i have to commend Mo and Leggs for staying social and open to dating prospects soon after a serious relationship. i shut myself off from people for a couple of years after my divorce. mostly to heal from all the anger and abuse, but it was still time i will never get back. so good for you for already looking forward to meeting new people!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:32 pm
@czB, I’m too much of a people person to shut myself off. Although I did take a year or so to tell myself I was ready to date, I still went over to friends’ homes or an event here and there. I didn’t go out a lot which was a mistake on my part, but I am correcting it now. I have this fear about traveling/partying/hanging out alone and it has hindered me. I’m ready to let that go and as I always say on here, pay attention to my surroundings, enjoy life and keep moving!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
2:41 pm
Hey Lady J! Dont you just love ‘that’ feeling? knowing you have grown along the way….great feeling!
Dream_n – Lil Mo is probably going with some X-Men character since that is our ‘thing’ right now (thank goodness I like X-Men too…hehehe). On the dating thing, I am taking it in stride. I knew initially that I wasnt ready for dating so I didnt entertain it. I have approached it slowly, if I want to go I go and if not I dont. I dont put more into it than what it is, with that I am not disappointed. You have to do what is comfortable for you.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:44 pm
Leggs, i lost a lot of the closeness i had with friends and family during my marriage. it took me a while to rebuild and get back to that life-loving person i had buried deep inside. i think it’s a beautiful thng that you can feel so energized and ready to experience what comes next! you just gotta have 1 or 2 peeps that you can speed dial when you wanna roll so you don’t have to worry about exploring alone. then again, after today’s testimonials, you might want to consider an online site. you can “meet” people from the comfort & security of your home.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
2:49 pm
czBrat – thank you. For me, like Leggs said, being a people person I couldnt totally shut myself off from people. I just didnt date. Life didnt stop b/c I got a divorce. Lil Mo still needed me, my employer still expected me to work, family was there but they didnt allow me to wallow or offer pity parties….the world still goes round. So I didnt stop living, but I did take time to heal. I hung with friends and family, did stuff that I always enjoyed (i.e music mostly) and just got back in touch with me.
Tazzee - treated like royalty.
October 20th, 2009
2:49 pm
Lady J – love your post.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:54 pm
That’s exactly what I am going to do. I just have to get use to getting on the computer once I get home. It’s very rare for me to even go near the computer once I leave work. I don’t even check personal email.
czB, I didn’t lose friends or family. I LOST MYSELF! I had to find myself and get back to me before I could get with anyone. Although I have a healthy level of “self-esteem,” which truly helped me not get stuck in a quagmire of uncertainty, I slowly emerged and loved what I saw when I looked in the mirror. More importantly, I’m proud of lil leggs and how she handled it all and her level of understanding no ill feeling toward either parent!
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
2:59 pm
@Leggs
oh hush! you mad cuz i’m right!
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
3:00 pm
Question Time lol
Lady J/ Leggs/ czbratz/Mo/ or any other..
What do you guys mean when you say you lost yourselves in the marriage, or you had to find yousrself again?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:02 pm
i didn’t lose my people. i just lost the closeness i had with them because i systematically practiced hiding the problems in the household for so many years. living a lie eventually changes you as a person. and yes, you’re right Leggs i definitely lost myself in the process.
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:02 pm
**Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships**
i’ll never give up.
**I think the number one cure for dating apathy syndrome is to only date someone who excites you.**
that’s what i’ve been doing.
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:03 pm
I think another thing that contributes to ‘dating apathy’ is shrinking of the field of good ones. The older you get, the more good ones are taken, shrinking the field. By the time you’re in your mid-30’s, how many good ones are left? Not too many, I think; so what’s left to date is the not-so-good ones.
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:07 pm
@abc
if i lowered it a couple of notches, i would see that there are good ones all around me. *shrug*
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:08 pm
if i’m 50 and alone, it’s my own dayum fault. but i have to keep holding out for THE ONE!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:11 pm
Dream_n – speaking only for self, when I talk of losing myself I mean that I had become accustomed to operating on a ‘we’ state of mind. When married you are a team so you start to treat your life as such. Its hard then to go back to an ‘I’ mindset. That means everything from grocery shopping to who’s picking up Lil Mo. Now emotionally it means that you go into survival mode. Again this is how it was for ME. Also you have to remember that time is passing so the person you were when you married certainly isnt the person you are when you divorce/end the relationship. Life experiences will change you…..
Make sense?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:13 pm
abc while i agree with your statement, i have to admit i’ve never looked at that from a disheartening POV. i’ve always felt that with the “shrinking field of good ones” that makes me all the more valuable. so i truly believe the man that is fortunate enough to come into my life had better recognize that and behave accordingly.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:13 pm
What do you guys mean when you say you lost yourselves in the marriage, or you had to find yousrself again?
I’ve never been married, but I shared on here before that I was friends with a guy for a number of years before we started dating. Well we were so tight that we did everything together. When the relationship ended I did not have to “find” myself, but I had to get used to being without him and doing things on my own again. Was it difficult? Hell Yes! Impossible? Hell no! I did what Mo’ mentioned getting out there, but just not dating…learning more about me.
Timeless
October 20th, 2009
3:16 pm
Question: what’s the difference between casual dating and a relationship? If you are casually dating, is the other person justified in asking for exclusivity?
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:17 pm
Mo’ that has always been my understanding of losing yourself going from we to me. IMO it is a painful pill to swallow at times…I can only imagine how it is when a marriage is over.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:19 pm
Question (Dream_n is rubbing off on me)…LOL.
For those you that were married, would you marry the same person all over again knowing that it would end? I guess I want to know if the love was worth the risk. The reason I ask is b/c I have seen myself pull back at times and not really “love” if that make sense.
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:20 pm
Understood, and not meaning to be a downer. Just saying, the ones who are good catches get caught, and who does that leave for you?
I guess the thing is, if one is dedicated to staying free, be willing to accept the challenge of having slim pickings when you finally tire of the single life, depending on how long that takes you. If you’ve been married before and find yourself in such an age bracket after divorce, realize who’s swimming in the dating pool along with you. If you think a failed marriage messed you up, certainly there are a lot of folks out there who feel the same about their lives.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:24 pm
For me, Dream_n, losing myself meant I lost my spirt, my zest for life. The bane of my existence revolved around being a mother (which I truly loved), work, cook, clean and occasional sex. That was it. No fun anywhere. No vacations, nada! I soon realized that the fun loving person I use to hang out with wouldn’t do those things anymore because $$ was always an issue with him. So, I slowly saw myself clam up, go with the flow of an unbalanced marriage and concentrate of being the best parent I possibly could be. I saw myself as the one keeping the family afloat because he let too many things fall through the crack knowing I would catch them if necessary. I realized that I had to get out of this marriage, but knew it would take me some time. I got the courage and strength to leave my daughter’s father in order to save myself. Sorry, I wasn’t willing to continue to sacrafice myself for the sake of an unhappy two-parent household! By doing that I wasn’t teaching my daughter a damn thing!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:28 pm
Question: what’s the difference between casual dating and a relationship? If you are casually dating, is the other person justified in asking for exclusivity? This is funny to me. The way it reads is one person is casual dating and the other person is not. Therefore, there’s no relationship here. One person’s reading the AJC and the other is reading the NY Daily News. Nobody’s on the same page. That’s rich!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:28 pm
@Professor, I think I already answered your question in my 3:24 (LOL)!
Tazzee - treated like royalty.
October 20th, 2009
3:32 pm
Timeless – All interactions with another person repeatedly is some sort of relationship IMO. If casually dating and one party wants an exclusive relationship, I see no problem in asking. The other party may want that too – someone has to put the feelers out there. The worst that can happen is the person will say no and you’ll still be in the casual dating relationship you’re in – or you’ll move on.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:34 pm
@Leggs Ms. Smarty you must have known someone was going to ask something and beat me to it!…LOL
For Real
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
“It seems to me that if you’re just dating for kicks, not looking for potential relationship and marriage, then you’re probably contributing to the cause of someone else’s ‘dating apathy’.” – Apathy is a self induced state! If this is your thinking I suggest a mirror.
“I think another thing that contributes to ‘dating apathy’ is shrinking of the field of good ones. The older you get, the more good ones are taken, shrinking the field. By the time you’re in your mid-30’s, how many good ones are left? Not too many, I think; so what’s left to date is the not-so-good ones.” – Laziness and self-indulgence loves nothing more than a big fact juicy excuse. Again, if this is your thinking I suggest you get a mirror.
Mo: “Also you have to remember that time is passing so the person you were when you married certainly isnt the person you are when you divorce/end the relationship. Life experiences will change you…..” – Are you saying you grew?
Timeless: I think you need to clarify what a relationship is first.
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
For those you that were married, would you marry the same person all over again knowing that it would end?
@ Professor HEYAL NAW!!!! LOL I mean, I appreciate the lessons learned after my divorce but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have said yes. Although young, deep inside I knew he wasn’t the “One” for me. I’ll even go the distance to say what I felt wasn’t the love you need to make a life long committment. He’s a decent guy (somewhat) and I do wish him all the best in life, but if I had to do it over I would’ve never said “I DO.” Having the label of “divorced” is not something I like, but it’s part of my story. I just wish I’d been smarter with my decision…oh well, we live and we learn.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
Mo/Proffesor/Leggs
Thanks for the insight… I commend a woman’s courage and strength through a very trying time. It gives me strenghth and courage to be able to get over my own obstacles.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:39 pm
Professor – in reference to your 3:19, I dont know. And I say that because I like the person I have grown into and part of that is because of my marriage & divorce, and then there is Lil Mo whom I wouldnt have had I not been married. On the flip side, the emotional toll of a divorce is crucial! I would never want to endure that again.
Why do you think that you pull back from relationships?
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:40 pm
For Real –
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:40 pm
@Professor ~ that was another nickname of mine growing up…Ms. Smartypants! I had 3 and now you guys know the 3rd one. You are funny, Ms. Professor! {{{hugs}}}
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:46 pm
For Real, those descriptions of mine are observations of others. I’m happily coupled up, mostly because I knew who I wanted, made that plain to her, and pursued her in that way, with her being receptive to the pursuit. Neither of us are into dating purely for fun and recreation. What I’m saying is that for those who do approach dating as recreation, it’s only a matter of time before the dating pool starts to dry up.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:48 pm
@Deeva LOL at the hell nawl! I hear you!
@Mo I think I pull back because a number of reasons I have a personality that likes things perfect and I know perfection does not exist. Not to mention I really don’t know a lot of happily married people. In fact I know different couples that are married and they hate each other. I guess I am scared that things will change if I start giving my all and loving with all that I have. You know wake up one day and say, “why is this fool in my bed snatching all the cover?” That scares the ish out of me sometimes…just the thought of trying to live in the house with another grown person in unity and harmony I just wonder if that can still happen in this day and time. My parents were married 30 years, but it seems like now things are different.
The Truth
October 20th, 2009
3:55 pm
Prof, I would have married my ex again. I needed that experience to become what I am, and I like what I am. Like I told her,”marrying you was the best thing I ever did and divorcing you was too”.
Mo, glad your keeping him active. Seems like thats a job in itself. Mo the soccer mom. LOL
ABC, I disagree. There are plenty of good mates, if your one yourself. Most people that complain are asking for the world and giving dirt. We all need to up our game, then we can get what we’re looking for in life.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:56 pm
Professor no. i would not marry him again. i say i lost myself because at some point my entire focus became saving my marriage and keeping my family intact. regardless how he treated me and our children, i still wanted ‘us’ to work. i forgot that i was worth so much more. i forgot our kids deserved so much better. and as Leggs, mentioned, i lost all the fun in life because i was stressing about home. needless to say, that’s not who i was when i met him and that’s no way to live.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
3:57 pm
Tazzee@2:00-Sorry it took so long to respond,makin dem millions can be a drag. Online dating,yes it can take awhile. It’s alot of blind dates,with both parties not really knowing what to expect. I just had fun with it,even if I knew there was’nt a connection on my end I still bought dinner & drink. I felt as long as they made the effort the least I could do was buy dinner. I knew of many that would sneek out after 1st seeing the other person or after a brief conversation,un-cool. The Online pix’s & descriptions sometimes were false or dated,so the phone conversations were important.
Lord Velonese (Hardy Har Har)
October 20th, 2009
3:57 pm
Three Words Daily – Topic is Stupid
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:58 pm
@Professor, I certainly feel what you’re saying
the thought of trying to live in the house with another grown person in unity and harmony(/strong> is scary. I know of one couple truly, truly happy with their marriage. A coworker of mine and their 40th anniversary is coming up. She got married at the tender age of 18 and the love they have for each other is evident whenever you’re in their company!
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:00 pm
Thanks Truth and czBrat! I guess it just depends on the relationship.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
4:00 pm
abc: I get what you are saying and i know you are coupled-up but giving people excuses for a self-induce state is just wrong. Now as for this statement, “What I’m saying is that for those who do approach dating as recreation, it’s only a matter of time before the dating pool starts to dry up.” – No my friend this is a big ass world. No such thing as a dry puddy.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:03 pm
@Leggs a hug back to ya! I am glad you got what I was trying to say I started not to post it b/c I did not know if my meaning was clear. Now your coworker with the 40th anniversary makes my heart smile and gives me hope…that Jessie type hope…lol.
abc
October 20th, 2009
4:07 pm
Truth, regarding myself, I would suck as a mate for anyone but my girl. Other than her, I have no interest in being anything resembling what a woman would want in a man. She’s about the only thing that makes me an exception. I ain’t exactly a spring chicken, and I went through the marriage thing a couple times, getting somewhat jaded along the way.
No dry puddy, sure; that doesn’t make for much of a relationship, though! You can get that from anyone, but it’s not nearly enough to constitute much of anything, really.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:09 pm
Lord Velonese, how often do you date? I am just curious
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
4:09 pm
Leggs that example you gave of your coworker is why i put up with so much and tried so hard. we were high school sweethearts and i just wanted that ‘happily ever after against all odds’ with our lovely lil’ girl and lively lil’ boy. oh well. live, learn, laugh, love and keep sharing your gift with those who appreciate it.
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
4:10 pm
I guess I am scared that things will change if I start giving my all and loving with all that I have. You know wake up one day and say, “why is this fool in my bed snatching all the cover?” That scares the ish out of me sometimes…just the thought of trying to live in the house with another grown person in unity and harmony I just wonder if that can still happen in this day and time.
@ Professor – this is what I’m afraid of now…post-marriage. I never really had thoughts like this the first time around…we were both too young to really weigh thoughts like this. Now…hindsight is 20/20…I’m starting to really think about things before making decisions – especially life altering ones.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
4:11 pm
Truth – Yeah Im the soccer mom, out there screaming my head off! LOL! Lil Mo made a goal and I was cheering, he could have cared less. Lil Mo is a lot like the lil boy in the Publix commercial..”I was great!”
Professor – well one thing is for sure, if/when you get married you will wake up one day and want to roll his a$$ down a flight of stairs and vice versa!
Everyday isnt perfect in any relationship! You wont like each other everday. And yes things will change, you will change hopefully for the better. Its a risk you take. But it sounds like you havent been too comfortable with any particular individual either. Also dont always look to other couples, good or bad, b/c you never truly know what is going on in that relationship. Nothing wrong with admiration for a good relationship but you have to keep in mind they are doing what works for them….which may not be anything that could work for you
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:13 pm
Mo you made some great points!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
4:21 pm
@Mo, the little boys says “I was awesome!” That’s better than great (LOL).
Hef
October 20th, 2009
4:27 pm
Deeva4life-Being single for as long as I was(and technicaly still am) was for most part cool. I liked the freedom I had without commitment,but when I found the ONE all bets were off. I knew right then and there this was right. Do we argue-yeah, Do I wake up sometimes wonderin if what I’m doin is right-yeah, Do I know that it ain’t goin to be easy-yeah. But so much of every day life is like that, and I know now that this is the WOMAN good,bad,or indifferent.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
4:28 pm
<i?Nothing wrong with admiration for a good relationship but you have to keep in mind they are doing what works for them….which may not be anything that could work for you.
great point Mo. my brothers have each been married over 30 years but seemingly bicker with their wives non-stop. that somehow works for them. although you wouldn’t think of it as a model of what you’d want your marriage to be. go figure????
The Truth
October 20th, 2009
4:29 pm
Good point Mo. When folks are dreaming about Mr/Mrs McDreamy they never really factor in those moments that make you want to pull out a butcher knife and…sorry, went back down memory lane. I think when those moments come they shatter the whole thing. Thats when the real work starts, when your feelings and dreams are shattered and you’re trying to find out what happened. Based on stats alot of people cant overcome that. Its hard. Especially in our culture of instant and constant gratification.
ABC, how could you say that. Everyday we grow older our available pool grows too. I know there’s AT LEAST 1 other chick that would want you. LOL
For Real
October 20th, 2009
4:29 pm
For Real now picturing Mo wearing cleats and soccer socks.
abc: “but it’s not nearly enough to constitute much of anything, really.” – Everything is relative bruh. You eat off the plate that makes you full but does that constitute fullness?
Professor: I agree with Mo but you read like what dudes go through when they are getting ready to settle down. As my paw-paw used to say “You can’t go thru anuder doh without letting da odder one go ferst.”
Melo
October 20th, 2009
4:29 pm
Late chimimng in:
I think if u decide to marry,its important to not just know the person u dating,but his/her circle as well,family,friends etc…especially the family side.
A lot of times,pple luv the person so much but go on to miss the tell tell sings about how this particular person is “badly wired” becoz they are wrapped up in luv.
If the person has drama with their siblings etc,they will have drama with u at some point.If they dont talk to their mama or daddy,at some point,u are going to be sacrificed too because u are not as close as their mama or daddy remember…. and so on.
And yes, a peerson must Sit their Azz down and decide exactly if they wanna do this or not….
Marriage has to start with a mental makeover.If u dont believe in it or u wanna do it because all ur friends are getting booed up,then u doing it for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes my Queen will YEP YEP YEP YEP in my ear piece whilst im at wrk and i will just say OKAY!, hoping to calmly talk to her AZZ when i get home.Thats what i singed up for,i dont mind.
Are u prepared for all that????????????
SEE..
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
4:33 pm
LOL @ TRUTH!!
For Real
October 20th, 2009
4:36 pm
Oh and abc men tend to die younger than women so there will always be a pool of good women with fat azz insurance receipts.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
4:37 pm
they never really factor in those moments that make you want to pull out a butcher knife and…
So true, there’s been plenty of those days… lol
IWLDLIKE2DATE
October 20th, 2009
4:37 pm
Melo – Somethings I am ready for but then the other things I may have to experience and handle it along the way. You have a lot of good thinking points.
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
4:40 pm
@ Hef – What a lucky couple you two are. It’s a beautiful thing to know, that you know, that you know you’ve found the one for you and vice versa. I cannot wait to experience that for myself.
MO, – I loved your response to Professor…so very true.
^5 Truth on your 4:29 post.
Jay
October 20th, 2009
4:40 pm
Lady J, I am so proud of you. Growth is a beautiful thing. Learning to love yourself is the key. I think we can get caught up in making ourselves available for others and get LOST in the process.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:46 pm
…stepping out gang take care and have a wonderful evening!
SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale
October 20th, 2009
4:47 pm
Taz – If you’re around, 1 Cor 1:4.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
4:48 pm
Deeva4life-Now to be honest with ya, I know the odds are’nt the greatest these day’s, but I’m an optimist. I dated alot of women,I mean alot of women before I came across the ONE,so hopefully those experiences have helped me with journey I’m getting ready to go on. I am quite a bit older than she, and I know she could have anyone she wishes,she chose me and vice versa. After saying all of that I look forward to life with my WOMAN.
Ms. Main popping before the 5:00 yabbadabba do call
October 20th, 2009
4:49 pm
Three Words Daily – Topic is Stupid
It was ignored but funny none the less
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
4:52 pm
@ Hef – Awww…that’s beautiful. I wish you both all the happiness your hearts can stand for many, many years to come. Thanks for sharing and giving a girl some hope…lol
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
4:53 pm
Have a great evening!
Remember, your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
Nite
Wings -() Better late Than Never
October 20th, 2009
4:54 pm
Hey Everyone!
No Apathy here! I am enjoying my current status……….
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
4:55 pm
For Real – I am the cool soccer mom, in sweats pants and sunglasses! LOL!
Leggs – Lil Mo does say “Mommy did you see me!!”
Professor – you do sound like you want to settle down, as For Real stated, so be open to that idea. By being too cautious you may miss out.
I remember at my bridal showers people offering advice and writing it on cards to place in a book. I told them “dont give me all the good, fairy tale stuff. I need EVERYTHING, straight no chaser”. I guess people think if they tell you the truth you may not get married! LOL
IWLDLIKE2DATE
October 20th, 2009
4:56 pm
When I do make that step for marriage I intend to give 200%. Just trying to cultivate patience. I have come across men that I felt were qualified. Like last week the man seemed to show qualities that I had been praying for then when I asked him if he was interested he said he was not ready. Now I have learned when a male says he is not ready it can mean one or two things (sometimes both) one – he is not interested two – he really is not ready. Well I was disappointed to say the least but trying to remain optimistic.
JD
October 20th, 2009
4:57 pm
@Deeva – I completely understand where you’re coming from. I didn’t get married too young, and so I was “sure” I was making the right decision. But you don’t really know someone until you’ve been through the ups and downs with them. When the going gets tough, thats the test. Thats when the work comes in, and you hopefully grow together, not apart. In the end, I found I was much more committed to growth and taking responsibility for my mistakes than she was. Ultimately, she wasn’t who I thought she was.
The hard thing for me is I still want to have a family, and while men don’t have a biological clock, I never wanted to be an old Dad, like my Dad was. But what the heck, 40 is the new 30, right? Or so I’ve been told. As horrible as this past year was for me, it sure has taught me that I have a lot to offer and not to ever “settle” again.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
5:02 pm
Deeva4Life-Today was very enlightening for me really,with all the responses. I know I never gave up,I knew I would find the right ONE,cause they’re out there. The best part is you’ll know when you do. I knew but it was my WOMAN who made sure that I admitted to myself. It was alway’s easy for me to go on to the next one,but she would’nt let it happen. So don’t be afraid to fight for it,sometimes we just need someone to open our eyes. Positive Thoughts!
Tazzee - treated like royalty.
October 20th, 2009
5:03 pm
SCool muah! Back at you!!!
Sorka
October 20th, 2009
6:06 pm
This post is right on – it is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I have been out on a rapid-fire series of online “first dates.” I am not only bored and apathetic, I am now annoyed by the thought of having to meet another guy that doesn’t interest me that much. And I am really tired, because I go out on these dates after work most nights. I need a break, physically and mentally. Yet I feel guilty because I feel like I need to constantly work and try harder to meet Mr. Right. When I go out with my friends, I am relaxed, having a great time, laughing and enjoying myself. On these dates, I am thinking – why am I wasting my time trying to impress a guy who is not interested in talking to me?
JD
October 20th, 2009
8:10 pm
@ Sorka – We should meet and compare notes…
Lady J
October 20th, 2009
8:12 pm
Thanks Jay and Tazzee!!!
SS
October 24th, 2009
10:11 pm
Dating apathy syndrome does sound like what I have. I took a break from dating and focused on a career and finishing college. When I was ready to return to the dating scene, there really was not many I met that I was interested in seeing. I have done the fwb, been on many dates and I think I am ready for something real. I just don’t know where to meet someone. Workplace is not an option and I am not really into the bar scene anymore.
James
October 26th, 2009
9:50 pm
You have a typo in this post. Wow.
promises
June 20th, 2010
9:02 pm
this goes out to you tripster…living 2 lives and loving too many women at the same time for so long will destroys a person when the truth comes out. manipulation of any level is rotten but the lengths that you went to are so difficult to even accept. people with any goodness in them doesnt go to the level that you did. you are evil and you need help before you destroy others.