Dating Apathy Syndrome
If you have gone on nothing but bad first dates, you probably haven’t noticed that the reason may not have anything to do with other people. It could be you, the tired and bored dater. Meeting people and going out with them, only to find no connection can result in a loss of excitement about dating.
You may even reach the point where you just kind of check out altogether and go through the motions. You’re in this weird auto-pilot mode of dating. You don’t particularly care about who you agree to go out with, as long as their breathing and sane. You are dangerously closed to dating apathy.
Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close. You have to get out of this stage as quickly as you can. This is the point when some people settle for any person with a pulse, just to get out being the single, unmarried one.
Have you ever experienced dating apathy? Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?
I think the number one cure for dating apathy syndrome is to only date someone who excites you. No more boring dates with people you have nothing in common with or feel a connection. Find someone that stimulates you on more than one level. This burst of stimulation is a good way to knock you out of the dating apathy phase.
What do you think are good ways to keep from being apathetic? How do you get out of your dating ruts?
How can you tell if you have dating apathy syndrome?
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187 comments Add your comment
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
1:56 pm
Truth – Lil Mo is keeping me on my toes as usual! We are playing soccer now…WHEW!
Professor – yeah and I really was not counting on having to start over again but oh well. Im taking it in stride.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
1:58 pm
@ Mo
What is little Mo going to be for halloween? (if you participate)… and 1 more nosey question lol
Is it hard for you to get back in the dating scene after your divorce? or are you not at that point where you want to date just yet?
Tazzee - WHAT A WIN!!!
October 20th, 2009
2:00 pm
Hef – my online dating experience was what I expected, I just wasn’t ready for what I expected. I thought I was ready for marathon dating, but I wasn’t.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:05 pm
i missed so much. i’ll catch up. but i do want to add for Tazzee and Hef i met my s/o online as well!
brb
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:12 pm
3 Testimonials!
i'm swiss
October 20th, 2009
2:13 pm
Congrats, Tazzee. Internet dating can definitely work out — that’s where I met Mrs. Swiss, too (though she still doesn’t like to tell people that).
Heck, I’m internet dating’s biggest fan — I never would have met Mrs. Swiss otherwise. We didn’t really hang in the same circles, and even if I had seen her otherwise, I can pretty much guarantee that I wouldn’t have had the guts to approach her. (I out-kicked my coverage by a loooooooooong ways) 
Lady J
October 20th, 2009
2:16 pm
WOW, WD, I did this for 4 years after the divorce late 20s……Now that is behind me…it was a learning experience to get comfortable in my own skin…..It wasn’t easy and I often question my sanity as I jumped through hoops just to be on a date or make a date happen…Not any more honey….Growth is a beautiful thing…I find myself enjoying group activites now or guess what doing nothing at all…I am not scared of my shadow any more…With that I have since ceased sitting @ the bar just bc….Boy I use to hold it down thinking an overnight miracle was going to take place….I travel more on the weekends and just do what I want to do…With that I am becoming more cognitive as a mother….Gosh I have come a long way just thinking about that dark time and how young my baby was brings a tear….Ok I am over that hump….So overall I value my time and the thought of making something happen with a man longterm is no longer…when it happens it will if it doesn’t it won’t….life goes on and I am in a happy state….A state looking beyond the imperfections and being content with what is for me…I’m truly blessed…looking back it was just a selfish period to want something that wasn’t going to happen….It’s always good to step back and get a grip and start over and move forward….
Hey Mo!:)
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
2:16 pm
Love stories always give me warm fuzzy feelings inside
abc
October 20th, 2009
2:19 pm
It seems to me that if you’re just dating for kicks, not looking for potential relationship and marriage, then you’re probably contributing to the cause of someone else’s ‘dating apathy’.
A friend of mine tells me about all her dates, she’s almost given up on ever getting married. She’ll put up with the most boring, self-absorbed, idiotic airheads, just to have someone to date, and for sex. It’s pathetic. I feel bad for her, but I figure there’s nothing I can do to help.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:22 pm
ok. i’m all outta breath from running reading to catch up.
i agree with Tazzee, my online experience was mostly for fun. i had no intention of actually meeting anyone, i just wanted intelligent, fun and interesting conversation. like For Real said, when you have an agenda the other person can smell the desperation a mile away and will either run or take advantage of it. not to mention that you might make some poor choices because you’re trying to fit the person into a mold of exactly what (you think) you’re looking for.
i have to commend Mo and Leggs for staying social and open to dating prospects soon after a serious relationship. i shut myself off from people for a couple of years after my divorce. mostly to heal from all the anger and abuse, but it was still time i will never get back. so good for you for already looking forward to meeting new people!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:32 pm
@czB, I’m too much of a people person to shut myself off. Although I did take a year or so to tell myself I was ready to date, I still went over to friends’ homes or an event here and there. I didn’t go out a lot which was a mistake on my part, but I am correcting it now. I have this fear about traveling/partying/hanging out alone and it has hindered me. I’m ready to let that go and as I always say on here, pay attention to my surroundings, enjoy life and keep moving!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
2:41 pm
Hey Lady J! Dont you just love ‘that’ feeling? knowing you have grown along the way….great feeling!
Dream_n – Lil Mo is probably going with some X-Men character since that is our ‘thing’ right now (thank goodness I like X-Men too…hehehe). On the dating thing, I am taking it in stride. I knew initially that I wasnt ready for dating so I didnt entertain it. I have approached it slowly, if I want to go I go and if not I dont. I dont put more into it than what it is, with that I am not disappointed. You have to do what is comfortable for you.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
2:44 pm
Leggs, i lost a lot of the closeness i had with friends and family during my marriage. it took me a while to rebuild and get back to that life-loving person i had buried deep inside. i think it’s a beautiful thng that you can feel so energized and ready to experience what comes next! you just gotta have 1 or 2 peeps that you can speed dial when you wanna roll so you don’t have to worry about exploring alone. then again, after today’s testimonials, you might want to consider an online site. you can “meet” people from the comfort & security of your home.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
2:49 pm
czBrat – thank you. For me, like Leggs said, being a people person I couldnt totally shut myself off from people. I just didnt date. Life didnt stop b/c I got a divorce. Lil Mo still needed me, my employer still expected me to work, family was there but they didnt allow me to wallow or offer pity parties….the world still goes round. So I didnt stop living, but I did take time to heal. I hung with friends and family, did stuff that I always enjoyed (i.e music mostly) and just got back in touch with me.
Tazzee - treated like royalty.
October 20th, 2009
2:49 pm
Lady J – love your post.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
2:54 pm
That’s exactly what I am going to do. I just have to get use to getting on the computer once I get home. It’s very rare for me to even go near the computer once I leave work. I don’t even check personal email.
czB, I didn’t lose friends or family. I LOST MYSELF! I had to find myself and get back to me before I could get with anyone. Although I have a healthy level of “self-esteem,” which truly helped me not get stuck in a quagmire of uncertainty, I slowly emerged and loved what I saw when I looked in the mirror. More importantly, I’m proud of lil leggs and how she handled it all and her level of understanding no ill feeling toward either parent!
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
2:59 pm
@Leggs
oh hush! you mad cuz i’m right!
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
3:00 pm
Question Time lol
Lady J/ Leggs/ czbratz/Mo/ or any other..
What do you guys mean when you say you lost yourselves in the marriage, or you had to find yousrself again?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:02 pm
i didn’t lose my people. i just lost the closeness i had with them because i systematically practiced hiding the problems in the household for so many years. living a lie eventually changes you as a person. and yes, you’re right Leggs i definitely lost myself in the process.
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:02 pm
**Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships**
i’ll never give up.
**I think the number one cure for dating apathy syndrome is to only date someone who excites you.**
that’s what i’ve been doing.
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:03 pm
I think another thing that contributes to ‘dating apathy’ is shrinking of the field of good ones. The older you get, the more good ones are taken, shrinking the field. By the time you’re in your mid-30’s, how many good ones are left? Not too many, I think; so what’s left to date is the not-so-good ones.
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:07 pm
@abc
if i lowered it a couple of notches, i would see that there are good ones all around me. *shrug*
Angie aka Beautiful
October 20th, 2009
3:08 pm
if i’m 50 and alone, it’s my own dayum fault. but i have to keep holding out for THE ONE!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:11 pm
Dream_n – speaking only for self, when I talk of losing myself I mean that I had become accustomed to operating on a ‘we’ state of mind. When married you are a team so you start to treat your life as such. Its hard then to go back to an ‘I’ mindset. That means everything from grocery shopping to who’s picking up Lil Mo. Now emotionally it means that you go into survival mode. Again this is how it was for ME. Also you have to remember that time is passing so the person you were when you married certainly isnt the person you are when you divorce/end the relationship. Life experiences will change you…..
Make sense?
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:13 pm
abc while i agree with your statement, i have to admit i’ve never looked at that from a disheartening POV. i’ve always felt that with the “shrinking field of good ones” that makes me all the more valuable. so i truly believe the man that is fortunate enough to come into my life had better recognize that and behave accordingly.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:13 pm
What do you guys mean when you say you lost yourselves in the marriage, or you had to find yousrself again?
I’ve never been married, but I shared on here before that I was friends with a guy for a number of years before we started dating. Well we were so tight that we did everything together. When the relationship ended I did not have to “find” myself, but I had to get used to being without him and doing things on my own again. Was it difficult? Hell Yes! Impossible? Hell no! I did what Mo’ mentioned getting out there, but just not dating…learning more about me.
Timeless
October 20th, 2009
3:16 pm
Question: what’s the difference between casual dating and a relationship? If you are casually dating, is the other person justified in asking for exclusivity?
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:17 pm
Mo’ that has always been my understanding of losing yourself going from we to me. IMO it is a painful pill to swallow at times…I can only imagine how it is when a marriage is over.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:19 pm
Question (Dream_n is rubbing off on me)…LOL.
For those you that were married, would you marry the same person all over again knowing that it would end? I guess I want to know if the love was worth the risk. The reason I ask is b/c I have seen myself pull back at times and not really “love” if that make sense.
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:20 pm
Understood, and not meaning to be a downer. Just saying, the ones who are good catches get caught, and who does that leave for you?
I guess the thing is, if one is dedicated to staying free, be willing to accept the challenge of having slim pickings when you finally tire of the single life, depending on how long that takes you. If you’ve been married before and find yourself in such an age bracket after divorce, realize who’s swimming in the dating pool along with you. If you think a failed marriage messed you up, certainly there are a lot of folks out there who feel the same about their lives.
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:24 pm
For me, Dream_n, losing myself meant I lost my spirt, my zest for life. The bane of my existence revolved around being a mother (which I truly loved), work, cook, clean and occasional sex. That was it. No fun anywhere. No vacations, nada! I soon realized that the fun loving person I use to hang out with wouldn’t do those things anymore because $$ was always an issue with him. So, I slowly saw myself clam up, go with the flow of an unbalanced marriage and concentrate of being the best parent I possibly could be. I saw myself as the one keeping the family afloat because he let too many things fall through the crack knowing I would catch them if necessary. I realized that I had to get out of this marriage, but knew it would take me some time. I got the courage and strength to leave my daughter’s father in order to save myself. Sorry, I wasn’t willing to continue to sacrafice myself for the sake of an unhappy two-parent household! By doing that I wasn’t teaching my daughter a damn thing!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:28 pm
Question: what’s the difference between casual dating and a relationship? If you are casually dating, is the other person justified in asking for exclusivity? This is funny to me. The way it reads is one person is casual dating and the other person is not. Therefore, there’s no relationship here. One person’s reading the AJC and the other is reading the NY Daily News. Nobody’s on the same page. That’s rich!
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:28 pm
@Professor, I think I already answered your question in my 3:24 (LOL)!
Tazzee - treated like royalty.
October 20th, 2009
3:32 pm
Timeless – All interactions with another person repeatedly is some sort of relationship IMO. If casually dating and one party wants an exclusive relationship, I see no problem in asking. The other party may want that too – someone has to put the feelers out there. The worst that can happen is the person will say no and you’ll still be in the casual dating relationship you’re in – or you’ll move on.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:34 pm
@Leggs Ms. Smarty you must have known someone was going to ask something and beat me to it!…LOL
For Real
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
“It seems to me that if you’re just dating for kicks, not looking for potential relationship and marriage, then you’re probably contributing to the cause of someone else’s ‘dating apathy’.” – Apathy is a self induced state! If this is your thinking I suggest a mirror.
“I think another thing that contributes to ‘dating apathy’ is shrinking of the field of good ones. The older you get, the more good ones are taken, shrinking the field. By the time you’re in your mid-30’s, how many good ones are left? Not too many, I think; so what’s left to date is the not-so-good ones.” – Laziness and self-indulgence loves nothing more than a big fact juicy excuse. Again, if this is your thinking I suggest you get a mirror.
Mo: “Also you have to remember that time is passing so the person you were when you married certainly isnt the person you are when you divorce/end the relationship. Life experiences will change you…..” – Are you saying you grew?
Timeless: I think you need to clarify what a relationship is first.
Deeva4Life
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
For those you that were married, would you marry the same person all over again knowing that it would end?
@ Professor HEYAL NAW!!!! LOL I mean, I appreciate the lessons learned after my divorce but if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have said yes. Although young, deep inside I knew he wasn’t the “One” for me. I’ll even go the distance to say what I felt wasn’t the love you need to make a life long committment. He’s a decent guy (somewhat) and I do wish him all the best in life, but if I had to do it over I would’ve never said “I DO.” Having the label of “divorced” is not something I like, but it’s part of my story. I just wish I’d been smarter with my decision…oh well, we live and we learn.
Dream_n
October 20th, 2009
3:35 pm
Mo/Proffesor/Leggs
Thanks for the insight… I commend a woman’s courage and strength through a very trying time. It gives me strenghth and courage to be able to get over my own obstacles.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:39 pm
Professor – in reference to your 3:19, I dont know. And I say that because I like the person I have grown into and part of that is because of my marriage & divorce, and then there is Lil Mo whom I wouldnt have had I not been married. On the flip side, the emotional toll of a divorce is crucial! I would never want to endure that again.
Why do you think that you pull back from relationships?
Mo (aka Moeisha)
October 20th, 2009
3:40 pm
For Real –
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:40 pm
@Professor ~ that was another nickname of mine growing up…Ms. Smartypants! I had 3 and now you guys know the 3rd one. You are funny, Ms. Professor! {{{hugs}}}
abc
October 20th, 2009
3:46 pm
For Real, those descriptions of mine are observations of others. I’m happily coupled up, mostly because I knew who I wanted, made that plain to her, and pursued her in that way, with her being receptive to the pursuit. Neither of us are into dating purely for fun and recreation. What I’m saying is that for those who do approach dating as recreation, it’s only a matter of time before the dating pool starts to dry up.
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
3:48 pm
@Deeva LOL at the hell nawl! I hear you!
@Mo I think I pull back because a number of reasons I have a personality that likes things perfect and I know perfection does not exist. Not to mention I really don’t know a lot of happily married people. In fact I know different couples that are married and they hate each other. I guess I am scared that things will change if I start giving my all and loving with all that I have. You know wake up one day and say, “why is this fool in my bed snatching all the cover?” That scares the ish out of me sometimes…just the thought of trying to live in the house with another grown person in unity and harmony I just wonder if that can still happen in this day and time. My parents were married 30 years, but it seems like now things are different.
The Truth
October 20th, 2009
3:55 pm
Prof, I would have married my ex again. I needed that experience to become what I am, and I like what I am. Like I told her,”marrying you was the best thing I ever did and divorcing you was too”.
Mo, glad your keeping him active. Seems like thats a job in itself. Mo the soccer mom. LOL
ABC, I disagree. There are plenty of good mates, if your one yourself. Most people that complain are asking for the world and giving dirt. We all need to up our game, then we can get what we’re looking for in life.
czBrat
October 20th, 2009
3:56 pm
Professor no. i would not marry him again. i say i lost myself because at some point my entire focus became saving my marriage and keeping my family intact. regardless how he treated me and our children, i still wanted ‘us’ to work. i forgot that i was worth so much more. i forgot our kids deserved so much better. and as Leggs, mentioned, i lost all the fun in life because i was stressing about home. needless to say, that’s not who i was when i met him and that’s no way to live.
Hef
October 20th, 2009
3:57 pm
Tazzee@2:00-Sorry it took so long to respond,makin dem millions can be a drag. Online dating,yes it can take awhile. It’s alot of blind dates,with both parties not really knowing what to expect. I just had fun with it,even if I knew there was’nt a connection on my end I still bought dinner & drink. I felt as long as they made the effort the least I could do was buy dinner. I knew of many that would sneek out after 1st seeing the other person or after a brief conversation,un-cool. The Online pix’s & descriptions sometimes were false or dated,so the phone conversations were important.
Lord Velonese (Hardy Har Har)
October 20th, 2009
3:57 pm
Three Words Daily – Topic is Stupid
Leggs
October 20th, 2009
3:58 pm
@Professor, I certainly feel what you’re saying
the thought of trying to live in the house with another grown person in unity and harmony(/strong> is scary. I know of one couple truly, truly happy with their marriage. A coworker of mine and their 40th anniversary is coming up. She got married at the tender age of 18 and the love they have for each other is evident whenever you’re in their company!
Professor is.....
October 20th, 2009
4:00 pm
Thanks Truth and czBrat! I guess it just depends on the relationship.
For Real
October 20th, 2009
4:00 pm
abc: I get what you are saying and i know you are coupled-up but giving people excuses for a self-induce state is just wrong. Now as for this statement, “What I’m saying is that for those who do approach dating as recreation, it’s only a matter of time before the dating pool starts to dry up.” – No my friend this is a big ass world. No such thing as a dry puddy.