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Dating Apathy Syndrome

If you have gone on nothing but bad first dates, you probably haven’t noticed that the reason may not have anything to do with other people. It could be you, the tired and bored dater.  Meeting people and going out with them, only to find no connection can result in a loss of excitement about dating.

You may even reach the point where you just kind of check out altogether and go through the motions.  You’re in this weird auto-pilot mode of dating.  You don’t particularly care about who you agree to go out with, as long as their breathing and sane.  You are dangerously closed to dating apathy.

Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close. You have to get out of this stage as quickly as you can.  This is the point when some people settle for any person with a pulse, just to get out being the single, unmarried one.

Have you ever experienced dating apathy? Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?

I think the number one cure for dating apathy syndrome is to only date someone who excites you.  No more boring dates with people you have nothing in common with or feel a connection. Find someone that stimulates you on more than one level. This burst of stimulation is a good way to knock you out of the dating apathy phase.

What do you think are good ways to keep from being apathetic? How do you get out of your dating ruts?

How can you tell if you have dating apathy syndrome?

187 comments Add your comment

Deeva4Life

October 20th, 2009
8:55 am

Good Morning…great topic!!

First, let me thank you WiseDiva for giving this “grey area” in my life a name…I’ve been trying to figure out what to call it…LOL This sentence here “Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close” pretty much sums up my feelings.

I’ve chosen to take a break. There comes a time when one has to assess her/his situation, wants, needs and motives and elect to “sit on the bench” for a minute. I’m honest with me first and I know right now, 1)I’m not emotionally ready to connect with anyone on that level and 2) I haven’t really met anyone that stimulates me on more than one level and makes me feel like they’re worth the risk. In this time, I’m focusing on other things…school, my family and investing more time into me…even in my 30’s I’m still getting to know myself. This process isn’t always pretty but it’s essential and can only benefit in future relationships.

Tripster

October 20th, 2009
9:19 am

I’m trying to get one out of my house now, after that time (which is coming soon) I will be taking a sabbatical from all dating scenes, even the FWB ones. I need to re-group and re-evaluate what I’m looking for and stop settling for the ones I have in the past.

Turd Ferguson

October 20th, 2009
9:20 am

YES…many times the Turd has ventured into meaningless first dates, however, one must retain a proper perspective. If 15 minutes into the date one has established a mistake has been made then the following question bears a serious consideration…”Perhaps a one night stand is in order?”

Or perhaps an after dinner back seat or behind the dumpster make-out session with lots of groping etc.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
9:40 am

Three Words Daily – Seeds bear fruit.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
9:41 am

“How do you get out of your dating ruts?”

Get into a relationship.

M. (pronounced M dot)

October 20th, 2009
9:46 am

Great question WD.

I feel like I am on hiatus also. I agree with Deeva’s comment also. I guess to get out of my rut, I want to deal with situations and that have potential which can lead to excitement. I have been in Atlanta for almost 4 years and have had my share of dates (good and bad). Also to get out of my rut, I am trying not to force anything. It sounds easy, but it always feels good to go in with no expectations and to just let it unfold and see what happens. It takes alot of pressure off.

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
9:51 am

Have you ever experienced dating apathy?

Ohh yea!

Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?

I like sitting on the bench when this happens, which gives me time to reflect and self examine myself.

How can you tell if you have dating apathy syndrome?
I will either cancel the date or I will make excuses not to go..,I simply pull out and do not want to date.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
10:01 am

Serious answer to the getting out of dating ruts – Get out of the house. There are tons of free stuff to do in Atlanta so that you don’t go broke trying to entertain yourself.

Get involved in more activities. Find a new hobby. Pull up a seat on a bar stool at some of your favorite restaurants and talk to people. Spend more quality time with your friends and their friends.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
10:06 am

Good Morning All :)

Dating Apathy Syndrome… I like that term WD!

I don’t understand continuing to go on dates with people you have absolutely no interest in…
Deeva4Life’s approach is best when you feel as though you’re in a rut… take a break! Maybe you’re going on too many non-productive dates.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
10:08 am

Also, my bouts of ‘dating apathy’ have been more of a result of deciding to bow out of the “games people play” because I rarely have only first dates.

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
10:14 am

Hey Dream!

You are correct…it can happen when you are going on too many non-productive dates. Also I look at dating apathy as not just a one date thingy, but something that occurs when you just get sick and tired of the same old jiving around. You can go out with the same person for a month and lose interest to…especially if that person sends a representative.

BlueeyedSara

October 20th, 2009
10:26 am

Last year I did become apathetic after a number of dates with men who were recently divorced and still angry with their ex-wives so I made the decision not to date at all this year. This decision was reinforced by an injury requiring therapy and the threat of being laid off. When the new year begins, my resolution is to become active again, after being rejuvenated (hopefully) by this hiatus. Plus, the most important question I will ask is: how long have you been out of a relationship? :-)

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
10:31 am

GM All!

can’t say that i identify with today’s topic, but i’ll lurk and look forward to your comments.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
10:32 am

It’s almost at a point where it is a surprising and refreshing breath of air to meet someone who is serious about dating and who wants to pursue a relationship.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
10:33 am

czB – will definitely be at Uptown tonight.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
10:34 am

Morning to you Professor,

Ahh the representative… lol
Yeah that could also be another reason to be hesitant about keeping the “dating” aspect of your life alive.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

October 20th, 2009
10:55 am

No dating apathy here.

For me, going out with a woman requires an investment of time, money, and other resources. It makes absolutely no sense to waste all of that by going through the motions with someone I’m not really interested in. My real dates are few and far between for this reason.

abc

October 20th, 2009
10:59 am

Dating apathy and relationship doom and gloom is a constant theme here, albeit not often named as such.

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
11:01 am

Dream,

Yes I have seen the representatives that say all the nice things and do all the nice things…that give me dating apathy more than anything. Sometimes I feel that in order to say we are truly relationship compatible we need to go through something…six months of PMS, cold/flu season and not to mention a little compromising on some key issues otherwise you could be dealing with some ‘sweet nothings.”

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
11:01 am

SexyC … i’m gonna have to break down and just go. Paul Mooney is tooooo funny to miss. Enjoy!

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
11:06 am

MND and I had the ‘representative’ conversation last night. He and I agreed that it normally takes about three to six months for the ‘representative’ to disappear.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
11:13 am

Professor

lol@ “sweet nothings”

That representative subject is highly debatable! I couldn’t send in a representative. My personality is too etched in me to be someone I’m not! I may tone down my sarcasm b/c some people do not take too kindly to it, but I’ll still slip a couple remarks in..

When we speak of representative are we talking about changing your whole “you” or toning down some areas about yourself that may not come off too attractive??

Leggs

October 20th, 2009
11:15 am

“Dating apathy and relationship doom and gloom is a constant theme here, albeit not often named as such.”

Isn’t that the purpose of this dating blog? To discuss the above! If everyone was blissfully happy and content, there’ll be no need for Misadventures!

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
11:16 am

Those representatives are something else, but usually a red flag will wave at you here and there, but some are pros.

@Blueeyedsara I always ask how long a guy has been out of a relationship. I want to know if he is new and bitter or a life long player.

@Mr. Sanford I agree about the time and money I would rather sit home and listen to Phyllis Hyman than to be out and not having fun…hell hand me a snuggie and a sangria!

Malik

October 20th, 2009
11:23 am

I have certainly been in the Apathy zone but its so intolereable for me that it seldom lasts long. My question would be how do you overcome the obvious solution and ‘date someone exciting’? I have been finding that as I am rapidly approaching middle age that most women think they are far more exciting and adventurous than the actually are.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
11:25 am

I think that some of what we call a ‘representative’ is just really putting your best foot forward to impress and attract a person.

When I say that the ‘representative’ disappears, I’m talking about what Professor mentioned – six months of PMS, being sick and compromising when necessary. You don’t get to be your best all of the time.

So, yes, I can give you all sunshine, goodness and light when I’m around you a few hours every week or on the weekends when we first begin our journey. But what am I going show you or who am I going to be when things are not necessarily going our way.

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
11:26 am

Dream

IMO a representative is who the person “thinks” I am looking for. The more experience I gain I am beginning to believe that some folks try to B something they R not and lose the person they R. With that said, I think some folks have fantasized and hide themselves for so long that they don’t even realize they are doing it, because they have been running from self.

At this point in my life I know who I am what I like, what I will deal with and what I will not deal with, hell I knew this at four years old. I know I am sassy and spoiled, but I am also compassionate and gentle, so I present who I am flaws and all and I expect the same from someone I am dating. (We both are making a decision and we need all the info pros and cons). I always find myself wondering was there really a valid reason that dude did not give me the same in return. Example I had a guy that took me out for a really nice dates once and he did this several times. Well if you know me you will know that I can snuggle up on the couch with a PB&J sandwich cut diagonally and not think nothing about it. When we had a disagreement he mentioned that dating me caused setbacks etc., due to the amount he “had” to spend on the dates. WTH because a few times I did not even feel like getting dressed up doing that junk, but that was he playing balla!

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
11:34 am

Anybody wanting to go to the 10 show at Uptown tonight for a pretty big discount. Send me an email and I will give you the details – You need to do this before 12p.

cscfromajc@yahoo.com

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
11:40 am

Question/confession/insight on this one….

So, at what point do you start revealing your less than perfect self? Do you let dude know that PMS is a monster for you and you are going to be one cramping, head rolling, eye batting nut for a few days or do you at like a nice little southern belle and say something PC to him like you have other plans to keep from stepping on his toes. Personally when I am sick I like to be left alone to veg out and hide under the covers…ring the doorbell and leave the juice outside I will get it because I don’t want to be bothered. When is the right time to let this be known? I have had guys tell me “I know you are mean” I always think way are they saying that, but underneath it all they can still tell from my reactions that I am grimy so I like guys like that…they are smart enough to fill me in and I will fill in the blanks they don’t get.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
11:43 am

Okay S/C definition would best describe me… I would want to put my best foot forward, but w/out taking anything away from who I really am..

Professor’s definition would annoy the hell outta me lmao! But there are people out there who conform to be like whoever they are around.

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
11:43 am

SexyC … tempting, but we’re shooting for tomorrow night’s show :(

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
11:48 am

@Dream_n I have met both. I guess I speak on the other one because I can not stand it! (Did you hear me screaming that out loud?) There is nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward as long as you are honest…for that I always check myself to make sure I am playing fair. I will tell a guy I only cook a few times a week at the most so if we have Sunday dinner together…that is not the norm. I don’t pick collards every week!!!!

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
11:49 am

Professor 11:40 similar to what you’re asking (i think), when i first met my current s/o he was amazed at how ‘understanding’ i was if ever he did not call when he said he would or we could not get together as planned. i plainly told him i was that understanding because i had nothing invested in him. there was no attachment yet. i told him that in a committed relationship i’m a lot less understanding and i set higher expectations as to how important our time and plans should be. i wasn’t trying to start off being someone else, nor was i trying to mislead him. i just recognize that certain aspects of my personality are not going to surface unless and until necessary, but i will tell you up front what you can expect. because, as you said, i know myself VERY well.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
11:55 am

Professor…

I don’t think its a matter of sitting your potential partner down and going over a list of things that may have your attitude in a frump!

I think you talk about it when the problem arises… either he doens’t like the approach you take… you don’t like the way he handled it… then you sit down and communicate what eachother could’ve done differently…

For Real

October 20th, 2009
11:55 am

4 out of 5 Doctors say the major cause of Dating Apathy is:

DATING TO GET MARRIED!!!

I have said it before and I will say it again. Stop treating dating like a recon mission. Dating is suppose to be a fun way of meeting people and learning new things. But some chicks turn dating into a hard target search for their man and that ish ain’t cute at all. If a chick says she doesn’t like dating it’s because you wants to be married and she is tired of trying to hit Bugs Bunny’s screw ball.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
11:59 am

that is not the norm. I don’t pick collards every week!!!!

High 5 to you! (I don’t eat collards, but I understand where you are going with it) lmao!!!

Deeva4Life

October 20th, 2009
11:59 am

^5 czBrat on your 11:49 post.

What kills me is when they pull the not calling or cancelling plans as a means of “testing” you to see how you’d respond. Not knowing that 1) all that “testing” me is juvenile and will kill the attraction 2) my response as an acquaintance will be totally different from that of a significant other. Grown folk shouldn’t have to play such games to get to know someone. In time all things will reveal…

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
12:00 pm

<Dream_n i, too, am very sarcastic. one of the first things my s/o mentioned when we met was that his teenage daughter was driving him crazy because she was sarcastic, like her mother. i just smirked and told him if he doesn’t like that quality he sure wasn’t gonna like me. no lies … just fair warning :)

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
12:01 pm

@czBrat that is what I mean, and when I see a guy reading me wrong or right I feel like I need to offer some feedback, because we both are making a decision based on the information we have about each other. So if the information is flawed the decision will be flawed as well.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
12:02 pm

That’s a good question and hard for me to answer.

I was raised with the mantra “The same things you did to get the man you gotta do to keep the man. So, don’t start nothing you can’t keep up.”

So, yes, you get all the good up front and it is good that I have no problem continuing. It’s when the bad and the ugly show up that may call for another looksee. But being as vainglorious as I am, I happen to think that my bad and my ugly are not that bad or ugly. But of course, I would.

Shondra

October 20th, 2009
12:03 pm

The whole notion of “dating” is dated. I like getting involved in areas that interest me like enivronmental, sports of all kinds whether I’m a participant or spectator, or gardening. Then I stay open to meet people with similar interests so I don’t have to wade through many one-off type “mistake” dates.

I’m beginning to understand why my parents generation did things the way they did. When you become sexually active, when men become sexually active without commitment, then this is the environment that gets created. With church and a more moral dating environment, they had a better chance to find that someone special – ’cause most people were trying to stay moral. That doesn’t seem to square with how people view things today what with ‘hittin it’ with everyone.

I mean what the old folks say is still true, why buy the cow when the milk’s free.

Dream_n

October 20th, 2009
12:03 pm

4 out of 5 Doctors say the major cause of Dating Apathy is:

DATING TO GET MARRIED!!!

Please take the degrees away from those Dr.s!!!!
Maybe between the ages of 18-25 you’re dating to have fun and meet new people!
But, after that you can’t fault a woman for taking dating seriously, if not to find a husband, but at least to find someone to spend a promising future with. At 30 i will not be dating to have fun.. I will be dating (if i’m still on the market) to find a potential suitor to spend the rest of my life with… JMO :)

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
12:04 pm

Deeva you know i’ve actually told him one of the things that impressed me about him was the fact that (before we ever met) anytime he didn’t call or couldn’t meet as planned he would give me this complete accounting and explanation as to what happened. i told him he didn’t know me from a hole in the wall and was under no obligation to explain himself. again, i had invested nothing more than online chat time so it made me no nevermind. but he was trying to be an upstanding guy, and i respected that.

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
12:09 pm

Where is Kimmie?

D'Andre

October 20th, 2009
12:15 pm

Dating apathy is cause when a girl’s been with like many, many guys then she wanta to be special wid me. I can’t buy into that. There ain’t nothin special about what I want wid her. Now why she mad about that. She been bonein’ it all time wid everyone but NOW she wanna be special.

Sorry sistah, but mistah ain’t down wid dat.

Hef

October 20th, 2009
12:16 pm

Quite possibly the least amount of responses i’ve seen here. Good topic-I know for myself that before I met my EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL soon wife to be that I dreaded the dating process. I was tired of the bar scene(meeting possible mates),so I went on line. Though I eventually found my soulmate it took time, with personal time down due to work(excuse),I thought this would be the best way to reduce wasted effort. What I found is, that people are people even on the web. About half of what you see,read,& hear is accurate & truthfull,the rest is what you find/meet at the clubs. My Girlfriend and I communicated for over a year before we ever met,mainly due to circumstance. Once we did meet,we’ve been together since. So yes there was apathy but I kept pluggin till I found what I was looking for, and boy am I happy I did.

For Real

October 20th, 2009
12:25 pm

Professor: I think everyone including women should be upfront on the first date. If you are dating to get married you should tell ole boy on the first date. If dude don’t want to be married he should ole girl that on the first date. Now, as far as “representatives” well lets put it in the term of the Matrix. We see ourselves what we believe we are and not as we appear.

Dream: I don’t want to get married nor do I want to be a relationship and I don’t fit your age range and I want fault a chick if they don’t fault me. However, if you are not dating for fun then you are not dating at all. You are interviewing candidates for a life sentencing. Quick question, when do you tell the men you date you want to be married or spend the rest of your life with them?

czBrat

October 20th, 2009
12:27 pm

Congrats Hef!

SexyCool - Status - At about 4.8 on the Cloud Scale

October 20th, 2009
12:28 pm

Get $10 off $49 purchases at DSW.com through 10.26.09 using the promotion code SHARELUV

Professor is.....

October 20th, 2009
12:29 pm

testing the blog is eating my thoughts….