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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Fake it till you make it

I believe it is Sharon Stone, the actress, who is credited with the quote, “Women might be able to fake O’s, but men fake whole relationships.” Now, aside from the quote coming from someone in Hollywood aka Hollyweird, I think it raises an important question about relationships: When you aren’t totally sure about the person you are dating, is it good practice to fake it until you are certain?

By fake it, I mean, go through the motions, so to speak, of a relationship. It seems that there are these unspoken relationship milestones that couples sort of stumble their way to. Then if or when things come undone, you are left wondering what was the point of all those milestones. Just because we have a great time together and I love spending time with you, do I really need to meet your mother?

Sharon Stone’s quote indicts men who fake relationships but I believe what she is referring to is when a man simply doesn’t know and goes along until he gets clarification. Women can certainly pull a man into a relationship with her expectations, but does that mean he is faking a relationship with her?

I’m the type that likes to go extremely slow and I think the men that I date get frustrated by this. It seems that they feel as if they are such a good catch, I am crazy not to be dashing towards the Bridal magazines after a few dates. I admit that I have tried to fake it until I actually felt something, but I ended up regretting it and wasting the guy’s time. I’m not doing that again.

What do you think? Is it difficult to continue a dating relationship when you aren’t sure about the person? Are you supposed to know, without a doubt, after the first couple of weeks or months, if you want to be with someone?

How much time do you allot before you totally check out and call it a wrap? Do you worry that you don’t put in enough quality time with dating potential mates to decide whether you want to pursue a relationship?

What about those of you who are serial monogamists? Do you find that you get trapped in a fake, pseudo-relationship because you just prefer to have a steady person in your life?

312 comments Add your comment

Wings (I Fly Above) RIP AJ

October 5th, 2009
8:31 am

Good Monday Morning Angels!

Simple motto……..Keep it real! If you have to wonder or guess about the authenticity of love…then it ain’t love.

By all means…meet the family so that you know what your getting your self into (somebody in the family is going let you in on the real deal) lol

Wings had to learn to fly solo….there was a season in my life where I just had to have someone there…that thank god has changed.

I don’t stick around because someone has good stats,if I not feeling them….I keep it moving!

Have A Great Day! :)

Lioness – Hey sis!

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
8:56 am

Good Morning,

In a way I think we all fake it – to some extent. Are we ever really 100% sure that we want to further a relationship with someone at any given point in time? It’s arguable…which is quite possibly the reason I move so slow. The relationship failures from the past I can’t help but chalk it up to rushing, which is why now I put things in perspective before I make the commitment. I’d rather get to know you as much as possible and make my decision than just say “hey let’s be together” while im working it out in my head. It’s a waste of time (for both), but at the same time if you’re not sure what you are looking for then no matter if you make that commitment in a day or a year, you’re gonna end up being unsure of the relationship regardless. I take my time therefore when I decide to “go for it”, then I’m completely responsible for my decision and completely removes the whole “i didn’t know what i was getting myself into” cliche’ backout. Although, I’m sure everyone has points in a relationship where one falters and the other is left wondering if it’s all really worth it TRUE, but the relationship shouldn’t start out questionable or else it’ll make it even that much harder to solidify some faith that one made the right decision in making a commitment to that person than if they started out the relationship assured. Confidence is key and putting yourself in check beforehand and asking “is this what i truely want?” and answering “yes” is a confidence-builder for any relationship IMHO. Now, also people need to realize that answering yes isn’t saying you wanna marry that person and spend the rest of your life with them, but that you’re sure that you have a good feeling about this person and you’ll most likely invest the time and energy to help make it work.

“Fireproof doesn’t mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it.”

also, I’d like to say to Sharon…men may fake relationships, but women fake O’s AND relationships as well :D

M'

October 5th, 2009
9:04 am

I have come to value the wonder of my life so very much and to also value the precarious limits of undefined time that I have available to me to live it…so faking anything about a relationship is not an option…it is just a waste…and waste belongs in the trash…and I ain’t a trash receptacle…hehehe

Wings (I Fly Above)

October 5th, 2009
9:07 am

GGGG – spoken like a man who leads with his head and not his heart….I’m not judging, I’m just saying.

BTW – Your last statement was a gross generalization.

mqew

October 5th, 2009
9:15 am

Fake it till you make it? With/In a relationship? WTH! Uuuummmm who has time in this life to do that? Can I offer another overused cliche, LIFE’S TOO SHORT!!!

M’K – I think that’s you, I luv this—-> also value the precarious limits of undefined time that I have available to me to live it…so faking anything about a relationship is not an option…it is just a waste…and waste belongs in the trash…and I ain’t a trash receptacle…

Professor

October 5th, 2009
9:21 am

I am not really into the whole fake it thing. In fact I know what I like, I know what I want and I know what works for me. Faking it can be applied to a variety of things from work to friendships so there is nothing new to that concept.

How much time do you allot before you totally check out and call it a wrap?

Although I hate talking on the phone I try to put in a few phone calls, and a couple of in person meetings. Since I am an active listener I am pretty quick on making a decision or asking some questions that allows the other person to know where I am going. I guess I do not have a timeline, but it is pretty quick.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
9:25 am

Wings – gotta be. to each his own, but me personally my head has to have some level of assurance that ive gotten to know the person as best i can and that i can be with this person realistically. my heart will take it from there….just can’t let the heart lead tho, which is like i said probably my tendency to rush when the heart jumps out in front of the head lol believe me, i avoid more stalkers/crazies/drama queens this way :)

Professor

October 5th, 2009
9:30 am

GGGG I agree it is best to let the head lead. I have seen a lot of people get caught up and taken because the heart was leading. The head brings logic and the ability to process info clearly.

GA Girl

October 5th, 2009
9:33 am

Fake it to you make it. Hmmmmmm. Better make sure that the other party is not doing the same. Just ask the lady who thought she was married to a doctor and found out he was faking it!

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
9:37 am

Professor – Yea and ive been a casualty of that before and it took my closest friends to put me in check. While I admit, it may be fun to let the heart lead, but it’s definitely ill advised in my case lol

Wings (I Fly Above)

October 5th, 2009
9:37 am

Professor and GGGG – I find that there has to be a balance….sometimes the head is full of the past mistakes, but I agree that it can bring logic.

GGGG – Safe to say if they are faking O’s they probably are not sticking around for more! LOL :)

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
9:40 am

Wings – Touche! lol but then again ya never know! i mean i never heard of guys faking O’s up until a while ago lol i was like wth?

M'

October 5th, 2009
9:40 am

@mqew

Give thanks for the appreciation…it just seems to me that at some point in our existence, we should have acquired the experiential wisdom to know when enough is enough…the games we have played, the ones others have played on us…to be able to determine the innate worth of what we deserve…and faking any “relationship” is just another game…please, get me a Scrabble board so I can really whup some arse and not have to “fake it”…hehehe…we end up where we started…uh-huh.

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
9:49 am

Three Words Daily – I won’t complain.

I’ve Had Some Good Days. I’ve Had Some Hills To Climb.
I’ve Had Some Weary Days and Some Sleepless Nights.
But When I Look Around and I Think Things Over,
All Of My Good Days outweigh My Bad Days.
I Won’t Complain.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
9:49 am

example….Derwin faking a “thats wassup” on The Game lmao!

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
9:53 am

Wise – You’re in my head right now with this topic. Get ta’ steppin’. ~lmao~

I don’t really think of it as faking but instead confirming that my impressions and instincts were right or maybe even hoping to have them proved wrong. I have also been guilty of hanging around in the hopes that I would see that ’something’ that would take my interest to the next level. I have wanted to take the time to look a little deeper rather than make a decision based on something that could have been considered rather shallow.

FOR ME, I am at a point in my life where chemistry does not develop. Either it’s there or it’s not.

czBrat

October 5th, 2009
10:00 am

Morning All,

I think with age and experience comes the realization that you cannot fall head over heels based on an initial attraction. GGGG is right. You do have to be cautious and think things through, all the while maintaining the relationship to see where it may go. This does require some degree of faking it, but not in an outright deceitful way. You don’t have to tell the other person you’re madly in love with them if you’re not. Just let them know you’re enjoying the process…. slowly.

Professor

October 5th, 2009
10:02 am

@Wings for me the balance is this…my heart will feel the chemistry and the fireworks, but I know fireworks have a short life span. So it is essential that my head lead because I need the logic and realism to be on point.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
10:04 am

SexyCool – “FOR ME, I am at a point in my life where chemistry does not develop. Either it’s there or it’s not.”

So True…So so so so true

Deeva4Life

October 5th, 2009
10:04 am

FOR ME, I am at a point in my life where chemistry does not develop. Either it’s there or it’s not.

@ SexyCool – PREACH!!!!

czBrat

October 5th, 2009
10:11 am

SexyCool – “FOR ME, I am at a point in my life where chemistry does not develop. Either it’s there or it’s not.”

You’re on the money with that statement. However, once there is chemistry do you find that you may have to fake your level of interest if the other party is moving forward a little too fast for you?

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 5th, 2009
10:13 am

Morning All

FOR ME, I am at a point in my life where chemistry does not develop. Either it’s there or it’s not.

SCool – This has always really been my mantra, though I’ve been criticized for it. I have NEVER been good at faking it! I am extremely transparent in that respect. Not fair to me or the other person. And I can tell if a dude is just going thru the motions with me too, and I say BE GONE! I’ve said on this blog countless times I cannot stand the phrase “Just give him/her a chance”! I’ve never been the type to rush anything, so when I decide I’m just not that into someone, believe me, it’s had it’s CHANCE and run the course. It just ain’t there!

Wings (I Fly Above)

October 5th, 2009
10:14 am

Professor – I learned to trust my gut…which is the marriage between my head and my heart!

Sexy Cool- I love that song ( I won’t complain)…my sister sings it to me on demand! lol

Gotta go….I leave you with this…enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0KBl-I-15w

Tazzee

October 5th, 2009
10:19 am

Morning Folks!

No more faking for me. I’ve done that in the past and the results weren’t positive. So I learned to just let the guy know where I was coming from and if he had a problem with it, he could always find someone else.

Good Guy – I appreciate your first post. I’ve been in relationships where the guy rushed to the ‘let’s stay together’ part and then later changed his mind. It’s irritating because in each case, I was trying to take it slow and then as soon as I give in, the guy would start to REALLY think about it.

Ms. Main

October 5th, 2009
10:24 am

Without sounding too brash, I don’t even know how. Why? How? It’s such a waste of my time….and yours. I’m trying to understand what comes of going through the motions of something thats’ NOT there? I mean azz being the incentive, that’s a given…faking til to take (make) it. Otherwise and outside of real grown folks, who does that?

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
10:26 am

Tazzee – Thank you & yea i think that’s the whole reason i stopped rushing, bc i would make a commitment i wasn’t sure of and end up hurting someone….not cool man not cool lol

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
10:27 am

czBrat – If the other party is moving too fast for me, I tend to question the motives for that movement. And make certain that I am attempting to communicate with my person about my concerns.

If those concerns aren’t addressed, then I will pull up because I am going to allow any one to put me in a situation that could be uncomfortable because of their issues and desires.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 5th, 2009
10:35 am

Ms. Main – ” I’m trying to understand what comes of going through the motions of something thats’ NOT there?”

I think it’s relative. There are people out there who have “gone thru the motions” and somewhere along the line a spark happened and a chemistry unraveled. It’s arguable the chemistry was always there and the two were unaware, then again sum people believe you can really “muster up” some chemistry between people. I’m not a believer of “building towards chemistry” nor do I practice it, but it happens….just not with me lol

czBrat

October 5th, 2009
10:37 am

@SexeC … Exactly! Then you end up with a situation like Tazzee pointed out. It’s that delicate balance between keeping things together long enough to iron out the kinks (if possible) without misrepresenting your intentions.

off topic … how was the book discussion? i couldn’t get to terri vaughn’s fb page for the info.

Dream_n

October 5th, 2009
10:44 am

Good Morning All :)

Fake it till you make it…lmao!!

I’m going to go with “NO” for $200 Alex! Been there done that bought the book and was very disappointed..

If there is no chemistry then there is no chemistry, this isn’t something you can by at a store and magically sprinkle on that person….

I have LEARNED to not waste time as someone said before “life is too short” to be with someone you know is not right for you… You’ll turn around and wonder where those years went….

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 5th, 2009
10:49 am

You’ll turn around and wonder where those years went….

Dream_n – I can’t preach this enough. I learned the hard way!

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
10:49 am

czBrat – This was an AWESOME event. I was moved by the RAW emotion shown by Terri Vaughn and Jacquitta Williams as they shared their personal stories of love lessons learned and their thoughts on Steve Harvey’s book. (They actually didn’t talk a lot about the book. There were certain parts of it mentioned but it was not the center of the discussion.)

From the opening by the soulful vocalist and talented guitarist to Navaina Rhodes closing thoughts and sharing of stories of women from the Bible, this was a well done event set in the beautifully appointed basement of Our Place Cafe.

I was reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Raqi

October 5th, 2009
10:50 am

Faking it till you make it? I don’t know. I have nothing right now.

bored

October 5th, 2009
10:53 am

“I’m the type that likes to go extremely slow and I think the men that I date get frustrated by this. It seems that they feel as if they are such a good catch, I am crazy not to be dashing towards the Bridal magazines after a few dates.”
THANK YOU??????????????? In Atlanta a healthy man with a job thinks he’s God’s gift to the female race and that we’re all so outnumbered in this town that we should be HONORED that he’s interested. That is so typical here.

Tazzee

October 5th, 2009
10:53 am

I will give chemistry time to develop, but I won’t fake it during that time.

Professor

October 5th, 2009
10:53 am

The faking it is not me at all. I am not one to bob my head like it is all good while on the inside I have concerns. I will say this I hate it when the chemistry is there, but you can see potential red flags as if the chemistry and the head/facts are not aligned. Now I really hate when that happens…close but no cigar.

Dan

October 5th, 2009
10:56 am

I don’t get the topic either.

Why would someone do this to themselves or someone else?

Professor

October 5th, 2009
10:59 am

@bored I have seen a few fellas like you describe “Atlanta a healthy man with a job thinks he’s God’s gift to the female race and that we’re all so outnumbered in this town that we should be HONORED that he’s interested.”

I was discussing something similar this weekend and I had someone tell me that American women and especially women of color are viewed as being easy and ready for marriage, so when he meets a woman that is taking it slow that goes against the norm.

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
11:00 am

Actually, one of the things that Jaquitta talked about on Saturday was dating someone who she looked good with on paper and who she looked good WITH.

She says that she made more of an effort to invest in the relationship because all of the pieces were there, THEIR’S just didn’t fit together.

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
11:02 am

(hit enter too quickly)

She says that she finally had to give herself permission to let it go because although he was not The One, she was trying to convince herself that he was.

Raqi

October 5th, 2009
11:03 am

I think it could all be just a play on words. When you meet someone that is interesting to you, there is time a span there when you get to know that person to see if they are someone you like or can like. You stick around long enough to feel the person out. That could be faking it until you make it. While those words seem quite deceitful we all do it. Just under the umbrella “getting to know you”. Most of us do not entertain a relationship with someone until we are well into the getting to know you stage. Somewhere within that time frame we find that the person is not as interesting as we initially thought or find that they could be the one for you.

Then there is the whole fake it until you make it someone better comes along. But we all know that is very common and a whole other Oprah.

Dan

October 5th, 2009
11:03 am

@bored

Realistically (see the census – removing the prison population) and anecdotally (see any beauty shop in the ATL, esp. with Black female customers), the “numbers” are true.

So why wouldn’t a upstanding brother have a right to a little bit of conceit?

I mean, not to change the topic or anything….jusasking

Raqi

October 5th, 2009
11:04 am

czBrat are you former lurker or a name change?

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
11:10 am

Dudes always think they’re owed kudos of ish they are SUPPOSED to be doing.

I’m not impressed with the basics.

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
11:12 am

Correction – SOME dudes…

Dan

October 5th, 2009
11:17 am

@SC

Some dudes do – granted.

Then there are those that overcome and exceed “the basics”, do they get cookies?

Rell - da rake

October 5th, 2009
11:19 am

@BORED..or ladies..when men rush..is because you TALK TO MUCH..you overshare on your last relationship and all that you PUT UP WITH…your lack of sex since then or your overall boring life..so “most” sense the kill and try to fill in the gaps…whats funny is that most women want to be seduced..maybe the styles are different

so this weekend i had a date with a younger female that i meet…so on the way over there i said – rell why not try to get back to how you were before…so i decided to stop and get her one long stem rose…so when i meet up with her and present the rose – IT WAS OVER her whole face changed from man i hope this guy is straight to – hey there might be more here..just my live report

Dan

October 5th, 2009
11:19 am

Oh, and some women do too.

But let’s not equivocate or re-litigate that issue

SexyCool was...

October 5th, 2009
11:22 am

If you think you deserve a cookie, buy yourself one.

Raqi

October 5th, 2009
11:24 am

SexyCool that’s probably because there are so many dudes that are not coming up. And they know this amongst each other not to mention the complaints from us women. I would imagine to be one of the ones that is not trying to find ways and excuses around the “basics” makes a lot guys feel like the exception these days instead of what’s normal and expected. They just want affirmation for doing the right thing I guess.

FYI I really don’t know what you were referring to but I just wanted to comment on your 11:10 with why I think it is.