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Say Something

Romantic connections fail all the time. It’s a part of the whole dating process. You don’t always know what brings on the sudden change in the interest and intensity, and that can be frustrating. From my own experiences, it seems that a lot of us have a very small margin of error for people we are just starting to date.

It’s like we have some sort of weird expectation that the “probationary” period of a new relationship should be all blissful and happy. When it’s not, then that person is just not be for you! Well, I am more of a practical gal. I prefer we not be all guarded and sugarcoat things in the beginning because once I really get to know you, I don’t want to have to discover a totally new personality. One that looks a lot like a raging jerk and nothing like the prince I met and dated in the beginning.

From what I’ve observed, during the dating phase a lot of us refuse to talk about  something that bothers us.  We don’t want to rock the boat or have awkward conversations. Then when we are fed up, we just check out on the person without any chance of resolving conflict.

Here’s the thing, there will always be something that bothers you about the person you are dating. It’s supposed to happen, so why not say something about it? I think a lot of times, this is when people pull the disappearing acts on someone they are seeing.

What do you do when you are newly involved with someone and there is something they have done or said that bothers you? How do you handle it? If you aren’t that invested in the romance, do you tend to not make efforts to resolve it?

Have you ever dated someone that sort of just checked out and you wondered why they didn’t just say something to you? Do you think it would have made a difference?

If somebody you are dating presents a major character flaw that you don’t like, is your first reaction to say something or let it go? Do you try to get a better understanding of who they are?

194 comments Add your comment

Dan

October 1st, 2009
8:43 am

Good morning,

Of course you voice your concerns. To do so is “informed consent”.

If there is that little twinge of “wow, really?” why not take the time to find out what the motivation was and express what personal concerns you have? Isn’t that the essence of getting to know someone?

And in the spirit of sharing yourself with someone you care about, shouldn’t they know what bothers you, if only to decide whether or not to stop (start)?

Kym

October 1st, 2009
8:52 am

Good Morning All,

I think I can relate to this topic. I have interacted with someone who while they say there is an interest, they are moving at rather a slow(turtle plus snail) slow pace to act on the interest. I have yet to decide if it is worth bring up or just continue to let it ride until they figure out what exactly they want.

Professor

October 1st, 2009
9:02 am

GM,

What do you do when you are newly involved with someone and there is something they have done or said that bothers you?

I usually let it go especially if it falls under a red flag, because I want to see what will happen next. For the most part I am pretty good at knowing if the person is a match for me, and I just let things go naturally it gives insight on the character.

If you aren’t that invested in the romance, do you tend to not make efforts to resolve it? No I do not make any efforts.

I went out on a date with this guy I noticed on the phone a few things he did in conversation that annoyed me, but I really thought it was due to the verbal thing and would not happen in person. Long story short he did it in person…so I threw in the towel.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 1st, 2009
9:06 am

Good Morning,

This is a good topic for me, because in the past I was definitely the one “disappearing” at the first hint of trouble. I think many of us (male or female) tend to believe that a new relationship means nothing but kisses, hugs, flowers, smiles, and joy, but it’s simply not the reality of it. A relationship, new or old, is going to have it’s bad parts, which to me is a good sign because without the bad you can’t learn to appreciate the good IMO. Expectations are high and we tend to put our new boothangs on unrealistically high pedastals. When someone I’m newly involved with has done or said something that bothers me, then I tell them straight up the what, when, where, and how they crossed the line, BUT im never disrespectful in doing so & I expect them to return the favor if I ever commit an offense against them. Their reaction is what I look forward too most, because if we can communicate and get down to the root of a problem early in a relationship, then it’s nothing for me to invest further into it, because I know in the long run I have someone who’s genuinely willing to discuss a problem with me and help find solutions to it, but if their reaction is to immaturely point fingers, act unreasonably, or deny the existance of a problem completely, then I’m definitely more likely to dip out. I’ve dated plenty of girls before who just checked out on me and honestly it didn’t matter to me, because if they had come correct with the problem at hand, then I would’ve apologized if I felt it was necessary and accommodated no questions asked, but since they didn’t I wasn’t aware of the problem and therefore wasn’t able to correct it…oh well their loss :D

Professor

October 1st, 2009
9:11 am

I think many are seeing other people during this probationary stage, so the thought process is…NEXT. If one is juggling the roster I think s/he tends to keep it moving.

Good Guy Getting Greater

October 1st, 2009
9:14 am

@Professor – I think that’s true also. If you’re all in on a single person I guess you’re more likely to keep at it. Meanwhile, if you’re busy juggling it’s easier to drop one for the other.

Professor

October 1st, 2009
9:25 am

@Good Guy yep that is how I feel. Not to mention you have those that are afraid to love again, with their guard up. A lot of times, not all the time people are looking for a reason to flee.

Tazzee

October 1st, 2009
9:31 am

Morning Folks!

If a person I’m dating does something that concerns me, I usually mention it. But it all depends on the stage of the relationship. Like Professor, early on I’ll just sit back and see how it plays out. It might be a one time offense or it might be part of that person’s character. If it is a major character flaw, then I say something.

Example, I dated this guy that was rather rude to waitstaff when we went out. The first date we went to a really nice place he chose. They asked us if we would mind moving our seat because a large party was coming and I responded ’sure’ – once we were reseated he told me that he didn’t like that but let it go. I thought nothing of it. Then the next time we went out, I noticed that he gave the server a VERY nasty look when she interrupted him one time to ask if we needed anything. I let that pass. Then we were at Strip and he brought out that nasty attitude and I had to say something to him about it. Our conversation about how he treated people in service positions and other things he said were pretty much the demise of our short-lived relationship.

I have had guys just check out without warning. I’m not sure if them saying something would have caused us to stay together because I never found out why they checked out. You know guys don’t do that ‘closure’ thing, LOL.

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
9:33 am

While we should be happy with the person we are with the burden to make and keep you happy should not rest on the shoulders of that person.
Now that I got that off my chest, yes, say something. If you don’t it will just eat at you.

I think a lot of people fear being labeled judgmental and/or nagging but you have a right to voice your concerns and opinions. If that person has a problem with you stating your peace then it is probably better that they disappear. No one should be forced or force themselves to live with faults or behaviors that they find not to their liking.

Now as for that “sudden change in the interest and intensity”, oh yeah a very familiar feeling. I have come to learn that it’s just part of it. There will be days when you feel like you are chewing on stale bread, but if that person is the one you want to be with, you just swallow it and make it through to the next day.

It’s all about the choice. The choice to be with that person. If was not about choice there would not be people staying in abusive relationships. There would not be people living in selfish one sided relationships. We choose to stay.

No one jumps of the rollercoaster at the bottom of each hill, you ride that thing out. Life is about ups and downs and as life would have it those ups and downs are felt quite strongly in relationships. Just because you are not feeling all giddy today and those butterflies aren’t fluttering does not mean the ride is over.

I have told you all before that I hate the fact that my husband has his occasional cigar. I could have long time ago let my displeasure of that habit send me sailing, not to mention other things that I don’t like. But heck there is so much more to him than those cigars and those other things. I mentioned it to him he responded we got pass it.

There is going to always be something. That’s just life. There are things that I don’t like about myself so I know there are things that my mate doesn’t like about me.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

October 1st, 2009
9:33 am

Hello All (back to ATL for awhile tomorrow, yeah)

I’m not sure how to address this. The first few dates for me are sort of “information gathering” …learning if the lady is consistent in her words and actions, is she intelligent or superficial, do her eyes send the same message as her mouth, etc.? I tend to make snap judgements and what I am looking for is whether the initial attraction is growing or waning.

Regarding things that irritate or bother me, I usually do not comment or make any attempt to get the other person to alter their behavior for me. I only identify, catalog, and file the comments away for later consideration. What comes out of someone’s mouth is a heart issue…and what is in the heart defines that person to me.

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
9:36 am

Our conversation about how he treated people in service positions and other things he said were pretty much the demise of our short-lived relationship.

That’s what I am talking about right there. If they have a problem with you mentioning a concern then you are better off without them.

Professor

October 1st, 2009
9:39 am

@Tazzee I have noticed a lot of people being rude to waitstaff. What is that about? Not to mention I have one associate that received a dish that should have gone to another patron and she accepted it anyway knowing it was not what she ordered (she said she did not want to look like a mean black woman) for correcting them. I don’t get that one either. My philosophy is I respect everyone until that push me!

@Randyt I like what you mentioned about the eyes! The eyes tell it all for the most part, as for me I like hanging out somewhere we can interact with each other freely and people watch. I find it interesting what is said about others (does this person crack jokes about everybody that walks by, does he not even see certain things because he is into me etc.) as we chill out.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

October 1st, 2009
9:42 am

@ Tazzee re: “guy that was rather rude to waitstaff when we went out”

How a person treats people who he/she does not HAVE to be nice to tells volumes about who that person is inside. This is something I ALWAYS look for. Common courtesy and a good heart is a “Must Have” for me, trumping looks, money, education, EVERYTHING. Frankly part of the reason is selfish…if a person treats someone else that way, is on a power trip or something, etc., sooner or later you/I will feel the brunt of that also. “Homey don’t play that game”.

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
9:43 am

Even constructive criticism to a self-righteous person will feel nagging and judgmental.

Tazzee

October 1st, 2009
9:58 am

I think a lot of people fear being labeled judgmental and/or nagging but you have a right to voice your concerns and opinions. If that person has a problem with you stating your peace then it is probably better that they disappear. No one should be forced or force themselves to live with faults or behaviors that they find not to their liking.

Raqi – a very good friend of mine told me this exact thing early in my relationship. Once I listened to her advice, it was like a weight lifted off me because I was concerned about coming off like a complainer. Thing is, in past relationships I would always say something but I was trying something ‘different’ this time around. It turned out that I didn’t need to try something different – the person I was dealing with was different (if that makes sense)

Dream_n

October 1st, 2009
10:00 am

Good Morning All :)

I’m a strong advocate of talking..lol. I’m a talker.

If I was in the dating scene and a potential mate did something that bothered me or irked me.. I would tell them. In a sutle way, not overbearing. Why wait until the offense is commited again to engage in conversation. Why is it so bad to talk???

When you tell the person something that bothers you.. You give that person the chance to either continue to do it or be more considerate. If you don’t say anything, then they will continue to do what irks you, while further irking you even worse… thus you commiting the “disappearing act”….

SexyCool - Because He is, I am.

October 1st, 2009
10:04 am

Three Words Daily – Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.

Dream_n

October 1st, 2009
10:05 am

@ Tazzee

I used to be a waitress..
I could tell you stories of the rude people I’ve encountered. Sometimes we did mess up in the kitchen, but sometimes it was the customer’s fault..either way they would get really snotty…It bothered me how the mate would just sit there and let their mate snap!! (while looking the other way or putting their head down, or pretending to care for the kids).

aggwitty

October 1st, 2009
10:05 am

This is why I have preferred dating friends, or more clearly becoming friends first, then dating. Most dudes try to stay out of the “friendzone” when I was dating, I welcomed it. When you are friends with someone its easy to tell them about themselves. And its easier to receive.

Tazzee

October 1st, 2009
10:07 am

Raqi – actually, he had no problem with me mentioning it and vowed to do better. It was his attitude that he should be able to treat folks he pays anyway he wants that I couldn’t get past.

Professor – I have been guilty of being extra nice because I didn’t want to come off as an ABW – but all that did was cause stuff to simmer inside and then I really went off :lol: Thank God I’ve found a balance in that area.

Randy – how people treat others is very important to me. I’ve said on here many times before, I try to live my life so that when someone encounters me they feel blessed rather than stressed. Some people live to make other folks miserable because they’re miserable. That was the thing with this dude – the people that paid him made his life miserable so he felt he was justified in returning the favor when he spent his money.

SexyCool - Because He is, I am.

October 1st, 2009
10:09 am

I know that at times it can certainly seem as if I have pulled a disappearing act. I have developed a tendency to simply pull up just a bit and take some time to consider all of the information and impressions that have been coming at me during the initial stages of getting to know someone.

I guess you could say that I step back and take a look at the relationship from the outside to make certain that I want to be ‘inside’ of it. I take this time to consider for any reason or for no reason at all.

Kym

October 1st, 2009
10:11 am

Morning Humor

The Staff Meeting

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

Professor

October 1st, 2009
10:14 am

@Kym thanks I could use the laugh!

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 1st, 2009
10:16 am

Good morning everyone!

In my past relationships, I had a bad habit of not speaking up and letting a lot “ride”. I did not want to rock the boat and yes, come off as a complainer with an attitude. After a point I would explode. In my relationship now I address things as they come. Life is a lot easier now.

I’ve had the fall off in intensity thing to happen many times. Crash & burn. That’s usually when we rushed things a bit. If you really take your time and get to know someone, 2 things will occur. Either you find that you want to continue getting to know them and continue the relationship – or – you find out there are things you don’t like and can’t get past and you end the relationship.

I’ve spoken before about hating it when people would tell me to “give so and so a chance”. Well guess what? Sometimes you just KNOW something is not going to work out, that it won’t be worth it sticking around! Closure is nice, but I really don’t need it and if it’s just been a few weeks/dates, it’s not owed! Okay, so dude did not like how I chewed my food and decided to get ghost! So I decided I didn’t like the way he chewed his and I got ghost! It does not matter one way or another to me. I go with my gut or my sixth sense. I feel like that’s GOD telling me for whatever reason this person is not right for me. No explanation needed. You just can’t “make” something work that’s not meant to be.

Not once since I have been on this earth have I regretted letting a guy go or regretted one that has let me go. It was all for a reason and has worked out beautifully.

Tazzee

October 1st, 2009
10:17 am

Dream_n – see that’s tricky because I wouldn’t want to disrespect my mate in front of others. So what I did was gently place my hand over his and then say something nice to the staff. Then when they left, I said something. One time my fiance’ had an issue with a waitress and I was already agitated, so I openly said something. That evening was a bust and I had to apologize later.

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
10:22 am

You know Tazzee one thing I had to learn is I am not going to apologize no matter how offensive I may come off when it’s a result of what the other person did or said.

I don’t the situation that made you later apologize for saying something, but I know me. If my mate/date being a jerk brought out the itch in me I am not apologizing.

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
10:25 am

You know aggwitty that is so true. We tend to easily take criticism coming from a friend but have a hard time taking it from a love interest that is not a friend yet.

Why we are like that I don’t know. It’s like the more intimate the relationship the more defensive we tend to be.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 1st, 2009
10:31 am

We tend to easily take criticism coming from a friend but have a hard time taking it from a love interest that is not a friend yet.

Aggwit/Raqi – I agree. I have had past issues with that type of thing, so I am especially defensive, because the criticism was not really given with love and was not constructive. It came from an attitude like “you aren’t good enough the way you are, why don’t you be/dress/think this way?” or “why can’t you be/dress/think more like my last girlfriend or Beyonce’ or my mother?”. So now, unless we have become very, very close, a dude can’t say anything to me. I know that sounds bad, but once I got that attitude, it’s been working for me.

Melodramatizulu

October 1st, 2009
10:36 am

ABW??? Tazzee??

Good morning folks!

Ghosting is a good thing,in fact it should be the norm unless u desperate.
You all must start with basic fundamentals,thats what i used to do.U like a chic(physically) but u havent spend time with her yet.You talk to her on the phone,she peeks ur interest but nothing material actually comes out of it in terms of knowing who she is.
You take her out and thats when u discover,she uses a curse wrd at every one minute interval,she talks so loud and animated, with her mouf full of food,she got no etiquete whatsoever and is not differential to older folks around you,she tells u she dont know how to cook coz her mama neva taught her,she lost her job last month and she going on and on about her boss and coworkers nastiness to her,the inside of her handbag looks like “bubbles” the chimpanzee was playing hide and seek in der,she telling u how she almost went to jail for passing bad checks but the store manager gave her a repreieve coz of her good looks and coz he wanted to sleep with her,she thinks…..and she expresses the thoght that the waitresses looking at me are jealous and wanna sleep with me,”thats what these low life chics do”
And u there listening,thinking,shes a gem and good girl….

I can polish this rough diamond!

Here is my thing:If her/his mama or daddy didnt bring him/her the right way,its not ur/my responsibilty to coach a grown man or woman on basic stuff or values that i subscribe to.

I wld rather ghost!

Professor

October 1st, 2009
10:36 am

I will confess to this I am open with dude saying something as long as it adds value. All things related to me being a woman such as the way I dress, make-up or no make-up, hairstyles etc. I do not put much stress on those issues if it is a compliment I kindly say thanks, if it is a recommendation I say thanks as well and proceed to share my theory on that matter. I have dated a guy where six months in he wanted to revamp my entire style to look like a Brady Bunch mother.

Dream_n

October 1st, 2009
10:42 am

@ TAZ

I didn’t think of it in that way, but I guess some people are different. Your approach( putting hand over hand..while saying something nice) would have defused the situation. :)

@ Professor.. I totally agree with your 10:36.

I wouldn’t mind a potential addressing something about me as long as it is of substance. YOu thinking I shouldn’t have worn the blk dress b/c ur ex used to always wear blk gets a straight *side eye* from me.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 1st, 2009
10:42 am

Professor – I’m with you on that – I love compliments! But like I said last week regarding another topic – If you don’t like my style, I’m not the lady for you! And I’m okay with loving suggestions ONCE I GET TO KNOW YOU AND WE ARE CLOSE.

And I’m nice about it too, I have impecable manners, but “make me over into YOUR ideal image you will not do!” It even sounds creepy!LOL!!

Tazzee

October 1st, 2009
10:43 am

Raqi – In that situation, the itch was already out – so my reaction wasn’t to what he did at that time, but something else simmering beneath the surface. That’s why I apologized – my reaction to what he actually did at the time was ‘extra’

Dan

October 1st, 2009
10:43 am

@professor

dude commenting on a chick’s fashion = fail
(and he should be checked for the switch)

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

October 1st, 2009
10:47 am

Melo – I’m will you all the way on your post. You really need to have your stuff together when you step to me, especially at this age. And no, I’m not responsible for someone that has not been taught or does not know better. Hate it for ya.

I dated a guy once that had a few books on ettiquete for a gentleman. He said his parents were not big on that, but learning the right way to do things was really helpful not only for his personal life but his career.

If you don’t know you better ask somebody!

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
10:48 am

and he should be checked for the switch

Dan why is that? There is nothing wrong with a man saying what he likes or doesn’t like when it comes to women’s fashion or what his woman is wearing.

Dan

October 1st, 2009
10:54 am

@Raqi

“I like how that looks on you, baby.” “Your outfit is nice.”

is markedly different from

“those shoes don’t go with that dress” or “you could add a scarf” or any comment about hair outside of “it looks nice”

Jussayin, these are things a “normal” dude doesn’t pay attention to – IMO

Kym-is adding and checking off things on the bucket list

October 1st, 2009
10:56 am

I could sure use some hot chocolate this morning.

Professor

October 1st, 2009
11:02 am

@Dan that is what I meant in my 10:36 I am amazed when dudes start doing the extra trying to revamp a woman.

Miss Moni

October 1st, 2009
11:22 am

Good Morning Fellow Bloggers!

Personally, I don’t have a problem expressing to someone that something bothers me. It is a personal decision of basically picking & choosing what you absolutely have to address versus what you can just ignore. Some people are just complainers and therefore will ALWAYS find something to say about ANYTHING. On the other hand, if the person’s actions are rude, disrespectful or hurtful in anyway then something should be said ASAP. If the person ignores you & continues to do the action, the Raqi is exactly right, you’re better off without them! If they take heed to your concerns then they at least care enough to try.

Mo (aka Moeisha )

October 1st, 2009
11:22 am

Morning All!

Kym – I am drinking the hot cocoa as we speak, but I must admit Im loving the weather right now.

I used to be that woman that would sit on things not wanting to be considered a nagger or wanting to waste the energy in an argument. However, like most have already stated, I ended up blowing a fuse later or detatching myself from the relationship all b/c I didnt speak up. The latter was so not cool and I know that I walked away from a good relationship by doing so. I’ve learned to pick and choose my battles, but I also learned that if something is bothering me I owe to myself, my SO & the relationship to speak up.

Professor/Kimmie – I agree on dudes trying to do makeovers on you. You can make suggestions but that doesnt mean I have to take heed to them!

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
11:23 am

Dan I guess I have to agree with you then. I have never met a man that comments on which items of woman go together.

Leggs

October 1st, 2009
11:31 am

Good morning! Here’s my recap of my evening….now channeling Sophia (Golden Girls):

Picture this: It was a warm, captivating evening. The sun was glistening against the buildings as I drove to our meeting place. I arrived on time (7:30). I entered the Jazz Lounge/Bar @ So. DeKalb to find only 4 other people there. I picked a seat close to the front door. I was the only person sitting alone so it wouldn’t be hard for him to pick me out of that huge crowd. The stage was empty. No activity taking place at the jazz bar this evening. In he walks, tall and manly wearing dark blue jeans, a long striped blue shirt outside his jeans and tan shoes. I greet him with a handshake and he sits besides me.

I “think” he liked the visual. I had on an above the knee black skirt with splits on both sides with a black and white striped sweater and black ankle strapped heels adorned with silver accessories. We chat about things I like to do and things he likes to do. We both like to play with “words” and I liked that. Oh, I forgot to mention, he’s 59 years of age and stands 6′4″ (yes, I prefer someone a little younger), but am open to prospects. We talk, we laugh. As time goes by, I see him looking at his watch so I knew the evening was coming to an end. He walks me to my car. I got in and we both said good night to each other. My evening ended with me sitting on my kitchen counter in my slip and bra eating half a fried bologna sammich @9:45 cuz it was too late to eat much of anything else. (For those of you wondering, the credit card machine was down in the lounge and he didn’t have much cash on him so we didn’t grab anything to eat.)

I found out this morning, through the friend who put us together, that he enjoyed our “meet and greet” and is looking forward to the next time. So, ladies and gentlemen, this wasn’t necessarily a “date,” but more a “meet n greet” to determine if interest was there for an actual date.

Leggs

October 1st, 2009
11:32 am

Dern it, I condensed this and it’s still long!

Dan

October 1st, 2009
11:33 am

@Raqi

Outside the “fetish” realm, we rarely don’t care about the clothes other than their fit on [y'alls] form – agian, MO

Kym-is adding and checking off things on the bucket list

October 1st, 2009
11:35 am

Can I just please..please..please have five minutes..just five with the parents of the twin babies who almost starved to death. ok five minutes a stun gun, some duck tape, and billy club. So I can beat their azzes to hell won’t have them no more.

Mo (aka Moeisha )

October 1st, 2009
11:38 am

Kym – and dont forget to starve them too….sorry azzes….

Raqi

October 1st, 2009
11:41 am

Leggs he likes you. Now do you like him? Being that is older than what you prefer.

Melodramatizulu

October 1st, 2009
11:41 am

OK then leggs..sounds like u liked it too..

But u know,uall have to add more one item on ur monthly budget in case this heats up! :lol:

Kym-is adding and checking off things on the bucket list

October 1st, 2009
11:45 am

Sounds like a great start Leggs. Good Luck!!