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Archive for October, 2009

Horrors of Dating: Karma

Do you ever hear of those urban relationship myths that talk about couples who get together while one of them was already in a relationship? They will be destined for failure because there has to be some retribution for the way they hooked up!  I don’t know if that is because of some cosmic force or if it’s simply because the wrong people are getting in relationships.

Do you believe in dating karma? I have to admit, if I am sitting through some horrendous date being tortured by bad attitudes or boring men, I wonder if it’s payback. Did I do something in my dating past that is coming back to haunt me now? Who knows if karma really exists or if it is just our way of trying to make sense of things.

Have you ever made a dating mistake or committed some romantic crime that would result in some bad karma?

Do you think we should ever try to make amends and apologize to the ones we did wrong? Not only to ensure that karma loses our address, but to let the other person know we …

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The Chokin’ Kind

The other day I saw a music video of singer Joss Stone entitled The Chokin’ Kind. The song kind of haunted me a little because it reminded me of the pain of a past relationship.

I only meant to love you
Didn’t you know it babe
Why couldn’t you be content
With the love I gave
I gave you my heart
But you wanted my mind
Your love scares me to death
Oh it’s the chokin kind
That’s all it is.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I didn’t want the month to end without discussing it here.  I believe much of the abusive behavior of a relationship arises in the early dating stages. Most people won’t punch their date or verbally attack someone they’ve only just met, but there are red flags. I think it starts with control issues and escalates from there. We often disregard things that we shouldn’t. What are other red flags?  How do you avoid dating an abusive person?

Would you date someone who had been abusive in a past relationship?

Have you ever dated someone whose behavior …

Continue reading The Chokin’ Kind »

Small Gesture, Big Return

One of the things I dislike about being single and unattached is the lack of romance.  Guys can be very light on the romance in the beginning! Especially when they are trying to figure out if you aren’t a gold digger, floozie, or some awful puppy-kicking person.

When the romantic gestures finally arrive, in whatever shape, form, or fashion, I’m ready for it.  I don’t think romance is always like the romance novels or movie love kind of romance.  I have always found that the little things you do or say can offer the biggest romantic returns.

My most romantic moments would probably not even measure high on anyone’s Romantic Richter scale.  To me, however, I really felt something and was moved, and in some instances, shaken!

I always find it really interesting how differently men and women can view romance, though. So, let’s try a little experiment:

List at least five romantic things you want to do for the person you are dating now. If you aren’t seeing anyone, imagine what you …

Continue reading Small Gesture, Big Return »

Get a hobby, Find a date

The very wise Lou Holtz once said, “If you’re bored with life — you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things — you don’t have enough goals.”  I happen to agree with him.

I remember my Dad would say that you can actually tell a lot about a man by where he spends most of his time and money. So if he has some over the top obsession or massive porn collection, you might want to pay attention to his habits, including their hobbies.

What kind of hobbies are you in to? How did you get started with it?  (No, dating should NOT be considered a hobby!) What do you think your habits and/or hobbies say about you?

Our friends over at The Frisky listed some hobbies that can make one appealing to the opposite sex.  I am not in favor of picking up a hobby solely to snag a mate, but I definitely love the idea of having/finding a passion for something. If  you happen to meet someone, then it’s time well spent and personal growth. Can’t beat that!

What hobbies would make you …

Continue reading Get a hobby, Find a date »

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

President Obama may be dismantling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy for the military, but on the dating battlefield scene, it’s pretty much status quo. Trying to decipher the true “single status” of a guy is like changing a flat tire in stilettos.  Uncomfortable and unnecessary.  I don’t recommend it and there are better ways to get the results you want.

A lot of times, single people operate on the “need to know” basis.  If we aren’t exclusive, you don’t need to know the details of who else is competing for quality face time.  I generally believe that most attractive and worthwhile dating candidates will have plenty of dating options. This means there will always be some sort of competition in the beginning.  It kind of sucks to think about it in that way but only when you dwell on it.

Why would you worry about the others? You have to realize that either the person you are seeing will think you stand out from the rest or they won’t.  No amount of sex, manipulation, game …

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Tattoos, Cigarettes, & Shoes

I recently had dinner with a group of friends when the topic of dating came up.  One of the men mentioned how he was finding it hard to meet lady-like women.  I challenged him on this because I know plenty of lady-like women who are sophisticated and classy.  How is it that he manages to not to meet them in Atlanta?

He tells me that a lot of women have an image of sophistication but when you get a closer look, they have tattoos and they smoke, which apparently isn’t lady-like behavior at all.  I’m sure we all have our preferences in dating, but do you think judging a person by their tattoos and smoking habits is fair?

I think it goes deeper then judging a book by its cover.  One of the women at the table said that she actually checks out a man’s shoes. When I asked her what a person’s shoes says about them, she said that it lets you know how much they care about appearance. Now, what does that have to do with character? She never truly correlated the two, in my opinion.

I have …

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Great Expectations

Unrealistic expectations can set you for a big let down in dating. A lot of times, we go in to a situation seeking out a companion and heap all these desires in one person. When the person appears to let you down, we use this as an excuse not to try again.

I think men and women both have trouble with unrealistic expectations.  Women expect to go on a few dates and the man will see how fabulous she is and instantly try to have a relationship.  Men expect that when they take the time and money to ask a woman out, she needs to show him it’s worthwhile for him to continue to do so. Some guys think this includes sexual favors, others want the husband treatment.  The things that men who are in a marriage receive, they expect to see in a dating relationship.

The thing about expectations? We rarely ever tell the person what they are. We have discussions and imply and infer them but explicitly saying them outright is simply not normal dating practice. Why is that? Is it because we know …

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We took it there, now what?

It doesn’t matter what kind of modern day dating mantra single people chant, sex changes a situation.  Whether you admit it or not, something is happening in the aftermath of an encounter.

It can get frustrating because we don’t always understand the “whys’ and the “whats” that are involved after you are intimate with someone. What do you think changes after sex has been introduced in a dating relationship?

I would say that the primary reason things change for women is the emotional value we assign to it.  In a lot of cases, it appears to  not match the guy’s level of emotion, which in turn brings on a different set of reaction and behavior.

What happens after you seal the deal? Do you act differently? Do you have a discussion about it? If it is casual only, do you make that clear at that point or before you even take it there?

Continue reading We took it there, now what? »

Dating Apathy Syndrome

If you have gone on nothing but bad first dates, you probably haven’t noticed that the reason may not have anything to do with other people. It could be you, the tired and bored dater.  Meeting people and going out with them, only to find no connection can result in a loss of excitement about dating.

You may even reach the point where you just kind of check out altogether and go through the motions.  You’re in this weird auto-pilot mode of dating.  You don’t particularly care about who you agree to go out with, as long as their breathing and sane.  You are dangerously closed to dating apathy.

Dating apathy is the period of time when you have not given up on relationships, but you are pretty close. You have to get out of this stage as quickly as you can.  This is the point when some people settle for any person with a pulse, just to get out being the single, unmarried one.

Have you ever experienced dating apathy? Did you decide to take a break or shake things up?

I think the …

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Stubborn is Not Sexy

I got called out on one of my issues in dating. I can be stubborn! I think all of us can be stubborn in a way. For me, when I am feeling particularly hurt or upset, I go into isolation mode and push people away.

This is something that I have only recently admitted to doing so that when the person I am dating sees me behave strangely, they can know what to do. Hopefully, that won’t include running for the hills!

It is hard asking for help when you are used to handling things on your own. A lot of us single people get really comfortable with the self-reliance and self-sufficient behavior. The important thing to remember is that it can come across as self-absorbed. Self-absorbed and stubborn is so not sexy, believe me.

Do you have a problem with being stubborn? Does the concept of compromise get totally lost on you? When are you going to stop being so stubborn? How are you changing this?

Have you ever dated someone who was pig-headed and stubborn? How did you handle it?

Do you …

Continue reading Stubborn is Not Sexy »