Training Camp
We talked about how character traits of single parents could translate into the traits of a husband and wife on Monday. I started to think about how women are taught as children to be the nurturer. You know we get the dolls, the domestic type toys to play with and mimic our mothers. As women get older, our “natural instinct” as women is cultivated by society.
By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve basically had a lifetime of “training camp” for motherhood. I have talked to a lot of married women who say that they may not have felt prepared for marriage and family in the beginning, but it wasn’t long before they adapted. Is it because we spend our lives being groomed for the job, even when we don’t even know it?
What kind of training camp do men have for being a good mate? If a young boy is given a totally different set of toys and mimics what he sees, what has prepared him to be a father and husband? If you think about it, the traits of a “good husband” aren’t exactly heralded as positive ones for single men to have. I would even argue that men are groomed to be the exact opposite. Does that partly explain why men are aversive to marriage?
Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship? Does it really come up? Do you think a lot of men “fake it till they make it” or do they work on it?
Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? What happens if you are missing that whole training camp background? Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage? If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?
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464 comments Add your comment
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
8:48 am
early sunny moring to ya!
…a men unfavorable to marriage, is like a woman being gold digger.
No matter how you were raised, individual character traits change as we learn and grow…we say it all the time “i’m a different person i was in my 20, 30…ect.”
by design we all change with each good or bad relationship.
mytw♥cents... Still Standing
September 23rd, 2009
8:56 am
Hi everybody. There was one of me on the ark! Hope all is well with your persons and properties and you are sufficiently reminded that tomorrow is not promised.
It’ll be interesting to see how many even notice the divide in toys. My girlfriend and I were speaking recently (well actually she was going off) about the fact that lots of little boy stuff is more intellectually based while little girl stuff is still frivolous or domestication based. Even the action figures and weaponry make them use brain power to operate and they can do so independently while it’s a no brainer to put the baby in the stroller or they at least need a pretend group for a tea party… But theses are things we can overanalyze if we half way try. So at the end of the day, parents probably should rely more on themselves to give the children the foundation needed so as to trump any subliminals they get from items purchased at Target & Toys R Us.
mytw♥cents... Still Standing
September 23rd, 2009
9:00 am
CEMEELI That sounds like sumthin
SimonConfucius might say…Blow Me
September 23rd, 2009
9:01 am
Good Morning..Still in awe of the goodie mob concert. Did anyone get to attend this weekend? It was great!
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
9:17 am
mytwosense I’m not sure what Confucius might say, but Fiji mos’ def would be passin out the “take home” literature about it….
btw – my tea parties had REAL Lipton extra sweet tea in momma’s old white and flowr teacups, with some cheap Murray’s coconut cookies… while i slapped my GI joe figure AND kicked his London logs into the middle of next week, for him eating & drinking tea before my black Cabbage Patch doll! now “intellect toys” me on that!
mytw♥cents... Still Standing
September 23rd, 2009
9:34 am
Lawdammercy! You can try to train up a CEE in the way she should go, but those passive – aggressive tendencies will last well into adulthood. I think that’s how the Proverbs or whatnot is written.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
9:36 am
Yes most little girls were on directed the road to wifey while growing up.
I know I was brought up in the “training camp” of The Good Wife for sure. I remember hearing so many times “if you are going to get married one day blah, blah, blah” and/or “if you plan to be a good wife and mother yada, yada, yada” so it was instilled in me early that I would probably someday be the wife of some unlucky man. LOL
But along that same line my dad taught us you have to pay your bills. Be responsible. Don’t wait for anyone to do for you, do for yourself. So while I was being trained to be a wife I was also being trained to be self-sufficient. But it was mostly wifey duties that I got hammered with.
From what I witnessed my mom seemed to be a good wife so I had a chance to see how it pretty much would, should, could work up close.
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
9:37 am
I’d be interested to hear the men’s perspective on this. I can say that I believe in both nature and nurture. Some characteristics are almost ingrained in us, it’s the way we were designed. I also believe in nurture in that those who raised you shape you in some way.
I learned how to be a good mother and wife by watching my mother. She never sat me down and talked about her duties per se, but she taught me through action. Helping her make big dinner, setting the table, cleaning our home, watching her interact with my father. I’d have to say that I also learned what a husband should be by watching my dad interact with us and with my mother. I would have to say that they both took on the “traditional” roles, but that wasn’t a bad thing I learned a lot.
MR. Unknown
September 23rd, 2009
9:44 am
Eddie Royal had a great training camp, now buddy is selling me out in FF.. Need to trade out…
Most women had great training camps, but some how lost their skills… So most guys like myself look to trade out.. They look good on paper, but don’t produce in the field.. Some women (I said some)choose to use beauty in place of said skills, or conveniently decide to ignore them,, if you don’t know who they are quick example(I don’t know how to cook but I know how to order). Then you run into the sleeper chick, the one that you probaly wouldn’t have looked at twice.. The Sleeper Chick has a nice balance about herself, she’s usally not on the waiver very long.. Morning guys.
2CPTG - "I f you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
9:50 am
Interesting question….cause unless a dude is raised in and around a healthy relationship, whether directly, or indirectly, he ain’t getting no ‘learnin…shootin’ straight from the hip; hopefully by late 20’s, early 30’s he’s had enough battle scars to finally be able to lead a clan…..
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
9:51 am
I do agree about how a lot of boys are raised. They are given toys that point toward fighting and protecting. Fancy cars and trucks. And that’s how they grow up. They are not taught how to love and nurture. They are not put in positions to know that they may one day have their own family. In them being taught to protect it is not implied that the protection will be for your family. It is mostly self protection. Or for the team. But the team is made up other boys. Hence the potnahs.
That protection and fight mentally is a very good trait to carry into a marriage. However, the marriage and the wife is not the enemy. The outside world is.
Boys were also given toys to build. Legos, model cars and planes, chemistry sets, etc…..
Which is also a good trait to have however they were never told how those should and can be adapted into a relationship or marriage.
I think the divide is not only in how we were raised but also in nature itself. You usually find that girls show and interest in boys years before boys reciprocate that interest.
When I would play house I knew that there was supposed to be a husband from seeing my parents so I would try to get my brother to play with me. He was not interested at all. He would rather be outside conquering the world from that tree in our backyard. He would rather be getting into some mischief than holding the baby doll.
See that’s why Mason almost dropped the baby the other day while watching the game. He was not trained to seat still and play daddy. LOL
But I do think it all eventually balances into the right direction as it should. Man was given the woman so I know God must have put something in him for him to be the man to his woman. A father to his children.
Life itself teaches you when you get older. Any man trying to use an excuse is still a little boy in mind.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
9:51 am
Good Morning All,
My mom never sat me down and gave me the Wife/Mother tutorial. When I was younger I didn’t sit and observe what she did as a mother or wife.. I just thought and saw of her as “mommy”
….
Now that I”m older and I look back I appreciate and value everything she taught me directly and indirectly…. I’m “aware” of how to be a good mother/ and “wife”( although I don’t really want to cross that bridge lol).
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
9:52 am
mytwo – Here you go…
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13
Now I was trained according to what ^^^THAT^^^ means also.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
9:53 am
Three Words Daily – Mind over matter.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
9:54 am
@ Mytwo – I’d had a pretty good breakfast from manna on HIGH this morning…so you know!
abc
September 23rd, 2009
9:54 am
In my experience, women are no better equipped to deal with their first children or be a good parent than men are. American culture has the effect of encouraging women to participate in the workforce and have a career, not stay home and be a nurturing parent, and make no mistake — young children are better off with Mom at home, not in a day care while Mom’s at work.
I was 12 when my baby brother was born, and I was pretty much designated official diaper changer and baby feeder. By the time he was 3 the maid pretty much took care of him all the time. I had to teach new mommy how to do all the basics when all 3 of my children were born, and they pretty much left it up to me to handle all that anyway, which was okay with me — they were so squeamish about adequately cleaning up the baby boy’s butt and other privates that they’d get a rash.
So, I don’t buy the maternal instinct bit. I don’t buy the natural inclination to be wifey, either. Two people will be good for each other in that regard if they want to be; they’ll be good parents to their children if they want to be. If they want to be enough.
kimmie
September 23rd, 2009
9:56 am
Good beautiful morning blog people! Blogging from home today with the little boy & girl teacups
I could not get to the blog Monday from work at all and was only able to see it yesterday late in the afternoon. Hope everyone survived the “Atlanta Katrina” well and with little or no damage.
On topic – I guess I went through the “training camp” so to speak, by watching my mom. She was, according to my observation, a fabulous wife & mother. I remember my father going on and on about that to someone when she passed away. Both parents I guess were traditional in their roles. But my mother never showed me how to do anything by prefacing “this is what a wife and mother should do”. Her main goal was for me and my brothers to be self-sufficient. She didn’t think it was cute for anyone, male or female, to not be able to clean up behind themselves, do laundry, and prepare simple meals. She said she was preparing us for the world, not some spouse per se. She did say it was an abomination for a MOTHER to not be able to cook at least simple meals for her child. And she did say she wanted my brothers to be able to care for themselves because she said she said women were not being raised to care for homes & families like her much anymore.
So the “Training Camp for a Self-Sufficient, Contributing Member of Society” is the one I attended.
Mike Jones (who)
September 23rd, 2009
10:05 am
Growing up I was given toys like video games and sports stuff. Neither has helped very much in the dating game unless the female can handle herself on the “sticks” (video game) or if she’s into basketball.
But I was also given great male role models to learn from. Thats where I learned how to be (in a deep voice) a MAN! I picked up things mostly from watching my parents interact through the ups and downs, the rest I picked up from my peers and watching HBO late night specials!!! lol
Chris Rock said
A fathers main job as a parent is to keep his daughter off the pole! lol If she ends up being a skripper you f***ed up!
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
10:05 am
@ abc
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
10:07 am
Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship?
we learn by observing,as kids, and things get ingrained in our brain.That which u observe from older folks becomes some kinda normal for u,in a very sub-conscious way…without u having to take any meaningful notice of saying,yeah,im gonna do that when i grow up to be a daddy or mummy.
And i believe that is why some turn out to be good and others bad,all becoz of what we saw or observed,growing up.
Others have no clue,they know they want to be this way or that way but growing up,there was no role model in that position.They kinda get lost.
Whenever i go outside to cut my grass, i ask my prince to go out with me and now at 4 yrs old,he even wants to cut grass himself.
I put him on the saddle and let him handle it even tho its me applying all the skills.Im getting him prepared.When i clean up the lawn and shrubbery,hes there with me picking up his own trash.When i make errands to home depot,hes there in the truck.
Thats how u prepare them and that is how i was raised as well.
Whenever i have some tense words to say to my Queen,we reserve that fro upstairs,with the door shut.U got conduct myslef in a ceratain way,even when in their midst.No cussing in my house,no foul words of any sort.The moment we slip on that,it becomes a normal for them as well.
And thats my training manual so far!
Merning folks,hope everybody is here!
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
10:10 am
@ abc
Your opinion is definately valid, b/c you are speaking from “your experience”…
On the other hand.. I truly belive that “women” have the mother instinct in them. You were “thrown” into having to take care of your brother, that wasn’t something already planted inside of you. As a “first” time mom of a 3 yr old… I just had that nuturing spirit about me.. before my little one was born I didn’t take a class on how to take care of a baby… It came naturally as I think it does for most women. IMO
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:10 am
kimmie I heard the “wife” bit a lot growing up especially from my grandmother.
I was sad when my first husband died but that was probably one of the best things that happened to and for me. I was left alone to raise a child on my own. The things my dad tried to teach us about paying your bills and getting out there making it were really about to come in handy at that time. I had to make it.
When I was 18 I tricked my dad into letting me put off going to college for one year. All I wanted to do was marry that boy at the time. And that’s what I did and never made it to higher learning. If that young had not died I would not be the woman I am today. I know I wouldn’t be.
I just wanted to be his wife and I very well possibly would be an unfulfilled wife right now knowing nothing but being his wife.
Deeva4Life
September 23rd, 2009
10:11 am
I guess I fall in a different category than most posted here…my mom didn’t really “train” me and my sisters to be wives and mothers. And my dad wasn’t the best example of what to expect from a husband and father. Now don’t get it twisted, I love my parents; I feel they did the best they could with what they knew. However, my mom lost her mom at a young age and my dad lost his dad at an even younger age so neither of them had that “model” to learn from. I’ve been blessed to spend time with my Godmother who’s been married for 46 years and the mother of 5. She would be my best example of what a wife and mother should be and do. She’ll be the first to admit those 46 years have been nothing shy of hard work and there were some real rocky points, but she’s from an era where you MAKE it work. Having been married before, I’m not really sure if my ex-husband truly thought I was a “good” wife (he says I was, but that’s usually on the heels of him trying to “hookup”…as if) but I was so young and didn’t even know myself. The real proof will come when/if I marry again.
THE INFAMOUS DK
September 23rd, 2009
10:13 am
I was raised that men dont cry, they dont kiss boys, you take care of your family and you will work or you wont eat. I will say my Dad wasnt a bad dad but he wasnt the nurturing type. He never told me he loved me, but I knew he did by the way he would look at me with those proud eyes. Ive never seen my father cry, even when his mother died he sat there and didnt mutter a word. My Dad stood on what he believed in and meant what he said. Thats why I said the other day the only part he missed on was telling me he loved me cause a dude could have heard that from his dad and I make sure I tell my son all the time that Daddy loves him. Growing up I just knew my Dad was Furious Styles cause he would always say “Son you think Im being hard on you but you’ll appreciate it one day” and honestly I do. My Dad taught me how to wash a car, change oil, mow the grass, try to fix something by grabbing a book because you dont have to pay for everything, he taught me about respect, he showed me how a man should handle a household and he taught me how to be a stand up Dude period. Thats why its so hard for me to accept the new fangledness of women today because I truly believe the man should be the head of the household because when everything else fails its on his shoulders. He wasnt perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I appreciate him for the things he did.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am
@ Kimmie & teacups – Do they know who gave them that name? Haaay missy!
@ Melo – Do you know what a Sit n Spin is? Ever seen/heard of ‘em?
kimmie
September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am
I remember going to visit my uncle & his family in California one summer. His youngest daughter, my cousin, was about 5 and her brother was about 10. We went shopping one day for toys & stuff for the kids. I remember taking girl cuz to look at the dolls and other girly stuff. She seemed bored out of her mind. The boy stuff was exciting and loud, with all the sirens, bells & whistles! We ended up picking out this cool remote control red car for her that went fast and made noise. I told my uncle she just wanted something more exciting! She’s a lovely young lady in college now with an inquisitive mind. She knows how to cook and clean too, by the way.
Parents should observe their kids and try to tap on their budding talents. Don’t stifle them because “society” says boys should do this and girls should do that.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am
One thing I can say about my two husbands, not knowing each and every trait they picked up as boys along the way, they both knew and know that a husband belongs at home. Not out running the streets all times of the day and night.
I am fortunate to have married two men whose fathers were pretty good husbands and one a good father and the other an okay father.
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
10:19 am
@ Melo – Do you know what a Sit n Spin is? Ever seen/heard of ‘em?
NOPE….but im sure there is a zulu version of it.
Spit it!!
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
10:21 am
you asked for it Cee….
Random Thought by 2 Can:…….if you’re a parent and live at home, you’re STILL in training camp!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
10:24 am
Can’t say that my training had anything to do with toys. I never had very many as a child. I was more into reading.
Some of what I observed as a child were more What Not To Do lessons. Fortunately, my stepmother came into my life at a time where I was able to learn a lot from her about how to be a wife. And saw how my dad treated her as my foundation for how a man treats his wife.
As to being a mother, I have seen the missteps that friends have made as young parents raising themselves while attempting to raise children. I am glad that I have put off motherhood. Should I travel down that path, it will be with a greater understanding of what it means to truly RAISE a child and with a willingness to make sacrifices that I would not have been ready to make at a younger age.
kimmie
September 23rd, 2009
10:25 am
Hey Sister Cee – Naw, I have not told them their blog nicknames! I think it’s so cute though!
Melo – See, that’s how I’m used to boys being raised. My dad, granddad, uncles all did it the way you do. And that’s how they learned to be gentlemen too – show them how to hold the door for the ladies, things like that. Be respectful to their mother & sisters so that’s how they treat ladies they date & marry. And you are so right, parents have to set the example and keep their grown-up business to themselves! That’s exactly how my parents were and other couples in the family. Excellent!
Raqi – We live and we learn. Sometimes life is the best teacher. And we eventually see what our parents tried to teach us.
AmazonRed™
September 23rd, 2009
10:26 am
Morning all –
There wasn’t real training camp going on when I was coming up either. My mother was primarly concerned with building character and self-esteem. That was her focus. She felt the domestic duties could be learned when it was time to marry.
THE INFAMOUS DK
September 23rd, 2009
10:34 am
Newsflash – Ok I take it back.. I just saw my Father cry for the first time just now.. He just came to the office and told me his best buddy of 45 years just died.. He balled his eyes out. He told me Im a good son and that he and his guy was just talking about that Monday. Dang Im shook on so many levels right now. He just got up and walked out after he said what he had to say. I feel stupid cause I couldnt say anything; first because dude passed but then cause Pops was crying.. I gotta call my sister..
kimmie
September 23rd, 2009
10:35 am
DK – Beautiful story about your dad.
Leggs
September 23rd, 2009
10:37 am
I like that 2C…at home and still in training.
I strongly believe that once a woman gives birth, motherly instincts “immediately” become front and center. I wasn’t afraid of that tiny little baby when I had to change her diaper or pick her up, but her father was. For some men, babies are simply too fragile for their rough mental, big hands. I learned on my own and doing what my heart told me to do. Sometimes, my heart told me to call Mama! Sure, I watched others over the years as I was maturing and some of those visions I saw and the words I heard stuck with me and some didn’t. What I know for sure is I can only parent the way that feels right to me.
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
10:38 am
I’m so sorry to hear that DK. Well it’s a good thing that your dad knew he could come to you and talk to you in a moment like that. He needed someone to lean on.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
10:39 am
@ Melo – Sit n Spin is a toy that you sit on a spin for hours and hours on end…
I had it as a kid lil tot, as I remember…I’d go into my own world just playing on that toy and when I finished playing on it I enjoyed reading a few comic books…today it has been redesigned with sounds a lights (of course “modern day” toy) and they say it’s good for balance, motor development …ect.
When I was a kid my mom always said the toy is totally senseless but we as 70s 80s kids loved it & it did not require a lot of “special skill”…so…therefore they reinvented the new version. What’s funny is kids don NOT use/appreciate the reinvention and use the old time why…less all the “lights and sounds”…
My point is, you and your son are bonding, cutting grass, dad/son time by your own design and how YOU train him…most times MEN that are trained to do how they were raised really don’t stray away much from the “old time’ way. What gets me is…alotta these men KNOW, they just…I’on know…
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:40 am
Everything we see as kids in the household molds our minds. If you grow up with a dad that is a workaholic and never home that is a good indication of how a boy branching from that household will be or think. And that is also what a girl can come to expect from the man in her life.
If there is fussing and fighting amongst the parents all the time, you will grow thinking that is normal and how your life will be.
It’s only when you a chance to see or experience another side that you began desire something else. A lot of folks have no clue of what they were missing in the household or even how fortunate they had it until they see the other side.
One of my friends nearly ruined her marriage in its early stage because she grew up in a household where both parents were married to their careers more than each other and there was very little PDA in the house between the two. She and her husband both are physicians and she says when she got married she sorta was in one part of the apartment working on her thing and left her husband to do the same. Well that didn’t set to well with him and caused big problems in their relationship. They BOTH had to learn to meet each other half way. Well more like 45/55 but it’s working.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
10:41 am
Thanks 2C…glad you brought that up.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:41 am
I believe girls are taught…taught something, anything in an effort to become mother/wife material….even if misguided. However, boys mostly I don’t believe are groomed or taught or steered in the direction of fatherhood/husbandship (can I say that). I honestly don’t think most believe there’s a need. There’s no stigma attached to a bad seed of a man. If he’s a bad seed, he’s often labeled a victim and if he decides to change the tides in his life and man up he becomes the hero. Other than that…for a man…that’s it. Because of the stigma that can be associated to a bad apple of a woman that has seemingly failed or is misguided or about as dumb as a box of rocks or lost or without a clue, an effort to avoid manifestation of such or ward off is done by teaching little girls during their impressionable years mommies/women/wife 101. The double standard is in full effect, there’s nothing to live down even if his life is nothing but turmoil, heck if he churns out a buttload of kids AND never takes responsibility, again he’s a victim. A victim of being black, a victim of being born with two stikes against him, a victim of society….blah blah blah. With women, EVERY single mistake, mishap, faux pas is eternally associated and attached. So it is my belief because of such, the effort to groom and teach is laid upon the female persuasion. It is also my belief boys being left to rear themselves is the demise of so much gone wrong in our society. I don’t mean boys aren’t told to get a job, support themselves, etc., but they are not taught to be the glue that holds everything together. To be the backbone they’re were intended. While it’s a shared tragedy for either man or woman to lack teaching and guidance, boys being left to raise themselves is a huge factor. Just my opinion.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am
….”heads up” to you and your Pops Infamous.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am
@ DK :
Sorry to hear… my prayers our with everyone who’s effected..
Leggs
September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am
@DK ~ It was endearing to read that your father has been friends with another man for 45 years. Sorry to hear about his loss!
Ms.Sunshine
September 23rd, 2009
10:43 am
Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Nope. My mom just did her job as a wife and mom and I learned by observing her.
Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage?
Yep, it does. If people miss this lesson, it’s blatantly obvious. Look at dating today and you see the remnants of it.
If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?
Not think twice, I wouldn’t even think of marrying that joker. if he can’t be a boyfriend right, how the heck can I expect him to take care of me and our kids?
Google Dating Online » Training Camp | Misadventures in Atlanta
September 23rd, 2009
10:44 am
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Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am
2CPTG we will always be in training until the day we die. There is no one that has stumbled upon every situation and mastered in it all.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am
Be it a wife or husband, as long as it’s a road you’ve never travel, guidance is always needed. I don’t the learn as you go is a good wear. While some may have faired well, sooo many other instances or failures can be attributed to not knowing how to fair.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am
If he’s a bad seed, he’s often labeled a victim and if he decides to change the tides in his life and man up he becomes the hero.
Well said Ms. Main….
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband….
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:50 am
we will always be in training until the day we die. There is no one that has stumbled upon every situation and mastered in it all.
I cosign this statement however, a foundation is always needed to navigate from day to day.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:52 am
Ms. Main that whole comment is so on point. Totally awesome.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
So true Dream_n. A woman being a good wife and mother is what she supposed to do and getz no praise. But a man gets a hero cookie just for being half-azzed.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
Dream_n Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do???
Good question…and applicable to women as well. During my daugther’s infant years, I’m a struggling mother, mad because life wasn’t exactly easy, struggling with the whole of motherhood. In a heated debate, I tell her you haven’t walked in my shoes, I’ve given up a lot for my baby. I feed her, take care of her, put my needs on hold, blah blah blah….and she says to me “AND RIGHTFULLY SO”…it took some time for me to get that but I got it. No accolades for doing the needful.
Ms.Sunshine
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband….
I totally agree with this…but I feel the same about single mothers. If you gotta do it alone, just do it. Why a big cheer because you are being a parent, something you chose to do? Hey, give me a reward for going to work or paying my bills then.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
Raqi Ms. Main that whole comment is so on point. Totally awesome.
Why thank you Ms. Raqi
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
Infamous now turns another chapter in your life. It’s okay for a man to cry.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
That’s MRS. Raqi to you chica.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:59 am
That’s MRS. Raqi to you chica.
Gotcha
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:01 am
Ms. Main- That 10:41 is nothing BUT THE TRUTH!!
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:04 am
ok Raqi, you wanna get into semantics…..of course we’re going to be in training camp until the day we die, ’cause we live and we learn…..HOWEVER, some things we should have a firm grip on, and not make the same mistakes we did in our youth…now, if we learn from our mistakes, and don’t repeat ‘em, then I’d have to say we’ve mastered/conquered those obstacles……
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:07 am
I wasn’t taught to be anybody’s wife or mother.. My mom taught me to respect myself & others, go to school & take all that life has to offer..
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:10 am
A young lady works with me. She is 24yrs old and has been a wife and mother since she was 19. She is mature, settled, easygoing and just a wonderful person. At one point, she took responsibility for her brother’s four children (in addition to her two) for over a year. The nephews have since been taken by another (older) family member.
She came to me yesterday expressing some concern about the relationship between her and her husband. He works two full time jobs. So, they rarely have one on one time and when they do, they usually just go out to eat or to see a movie. She says that while they don’t have any problems now and everything between them is fine. She doesn’t want to wake up 5 years from now and not know who her husband is, have a totally different life than he does and having grown apart because they were so busy working, parenting, providing a certain way of life, that they didn’t nurture the relationship between the two of them.
But she also said she didn’t know how to approach him with it in a way that wouldn’t make it seem like she was unhappy (cause she’s not.) She’s just trying to be proactive. (Which I applaud her for having this foresight at such a young age.)
She asked me my thoughts. My response, “Hell, I don’t know. I’m single.” But I told her that I would ask my peoples.
Raqi? Melo? Poppa? Anybody else?
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:11 am
Lioness Yep, we’re seeing eye to eye
MR. Unknown
September 23rd, 2009
11:12 am
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband…. Maybe its do to the fact that we only hear about the bad that we are doing… How many of you can actually say that you talk about the good in a brother instead of the bad. Why not applaud… Bruths get tired of being beat down with the same story of bad…
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:12 am
now this is some trainin’ for ya azz……
“People magazine says Phillips writes in her new book, “High on Arrival,” that she had sex with her father on the night before she was to get married in 1979.”
abc
September 23rd, 2009
11:14 am
I was raised that men dont cry, they dont kiss boys, you take care of your family and you will work or you wont eat.
DK, I think those things are absolutely true. I kissed my boys when they were babies, but by the time they were 6-8 years old, they were pretty much over that themselves, and I thought that was a pretty good thing, actually.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:24 am
If a brutha (lol) is doing good… then there is no reason to talk bad… If a brutha is doing bad… well the rest is history….
I’m not going to give you a standing ovation b/c you chose to take care of home instead of running off, I ‘ll respect you for that.
I think these are the 21st century guyz needing that pat on the back….
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
11:25 am
SexyCool
she has not expressed any other reservations about her husband so we assume her only concern is the “time tgether” part..
I wld venture to say that shes in a good place with a luving husband who works hard to provide for his fam.Its really hard out there and if ones’ salary aint that much, any normal hubby shld do evething in their power,2/3 jobs so as to make ends meet…
However,any relationship needs to be nourished in order to last and hers is no different.
She needs to talk to her hubby and explain her need for more “us” time.If they have relatives to help her with the kid(s) while hubby and herslf go out to enjoy their youth,since they young,they cld try that route.But she needs to comunicate that to her man in order to make her relationship strong.Without effective comunication,that cry to an outsider i.e. a man cld end up being bad for her relationship.
Her concern is not unusual in my view..i think it is very legitimate.Any relationship needs to be spiced up and her hubby cld wiggle some time to do that,if only her concerns are expressed.
Good luck for her on that!
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:26 am
@ SexyCool
Sit her husband down and talk…… period
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:28 am
Mr.Unknown How many of you can actually say that you talk about the good in a brother instead of the bad. Why not applaud…
Don’t get it wrong…I don’t think there’s not one good sister on this blog or anywhere in the world that cannot appreciate or will not show her appreciate for that good man. A good man though? A man that’s simply doing what he should. Whether you get stroked for being such or not, has nothing to do with you performing in the role made for you. As with women as well. Again, nothing wrong with showing apprecation for either man or woman and really a good spouse/mate will, but what’s the down factor in not getting stroked about it.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:31 am
And say what, Dream’n?
If she knew exactly what to say to him, there would be no point in asking for advice.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:32 am
Hold on SexyCool, let me talk to 2CPTG for a minute.
2CPTG I know that. I learned and also tell me oldest that until he remembers that mistake, how it feels and learns from it he will continue to repeat. But what I am saying is just in terms of life and not necessarily mistakes we will be forever learning.
As you know I already had two kids when I got married nearly 4 years ago. I already know what it’s like to raise to kids however where I am now, in this relationship, with this man, having birthed his child is something new. Yeah the whole big picture is the same. Man, wife, child but the individual personalites are different and makes the way I need to act and respond different to a degree. So now I am learning my life with him and this baby as well as incorporating it with the me back then.
Heck I am still in training raising my oldest. Until he is completely out of my pocket and from under my care I am still raising him. That’s what I mean.
I have never raised a daughter before, but hey now I have to. Yall pray for me. LOL
Each progression is life carries it’s own lesson. Hence I say we will always be in training.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:35 am
@ SexyCool
Tell him what she told you…
Sometimes when it comes to a husband and wife (IMO)… outside advice isn’t always the best… Go to the root of the problem which is the communication between her and her husband…. When they go out for that movie/dinner…. or when there is that alone time… Tell him exactly what she told you, the raw emotion of what she is feeling… don’t try sugar coat it to make it come out nice…. (IMO)
kinderbabe
September 23rd, 2009
11:36 am
good morning all. hope everyone is groovy.:) have a good day.
Page1908
September 23rd, 2009
11:36 am
lol @ “brutha”- Dream_n
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:38 am
Advice is always from the outside, isn’t it?
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:39 am
@2C – If that aint the nastiest!…alright dang!
Kym-is up for trying something new.
September 23rd, 2009
11:40 am
Morning All,
I always tell my kiddio I am teaching him to be a good person. Treat others well, raise hell when its necessary, wash yourself, feed yourself, and stay away from the people who will get you arrested. I find myself repeating things I learned from my elders to the boy. Somedays it clicks(heck he even refreshes my memory from time to time) other days–err not so much. But I always encourge his interest no matter if I understand them or not(I could care less about aliens, starfighters, and life on other planets) because I always remember my folks encourged mine.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:42 am
@ Mr. Unknown – Contrary to popular belief some of us woman do NOT get “ata girl” cause we’re doing what we are suppose to do.
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:42 am
@ Cee….I guess he wanted to train her how she’s supposed to do with her hubby….I’on know, hell….
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:44 am
@ SexyCool
never mind
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
11:44 am
@ SexyCool- I actually agree with Dream_n. Sometimes it’s better just to talk things out with that person. Nothing helps like going to the source. As her husband, he shouldn’t be put off by her expressing her concerns. I’m not married, but I do believe that the lines of communication should be open between and husband and wife and she should be able to go straight to him with how she’s feeling and have him respect and appreciate her being forthcoming. No need to suffer in silence.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:46 am
Dude probably feels the same way she does about their marriage..
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:47 am
Hey kinderteach! School’s in session! Yay!
I promised if my son played that Wii a little harder yesturday will he was home, that I was going to make him write the entire Declaration of Independance for “busy work” today (if they’d be out).
He clean my kitchen so well tho’ so how can i be upset for real!?
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:47 am
SexyCool she maybe could make efforts to keep the fire burning. Suggest that they do things together to stay in touch with each other and their marriage.
I was telling Mason the other night that I want us to have a date night once a week. Or at least every other week. I don’t want to lose my connection him amid the hustle and bustle of everyday living. It can get lost. You go day in and day out in the routine of life, the days passing you by so fast and not realizing that you are losing touch and/or growing apart.
We all wish this thing was effortless but it is not. She has to take it upon herself to be active in the way of keeping it close and together. I would say not to necessarily approach him with the “I don’t want us to grow apart” speech but rather just do it.
One thing I suggest since he is working two jobs, maybe get a sitter like her mother or someone who would not mind watching the kids for an hour or two, and meet him for lunch or on his break at the job that he works when she is not working. And talk about something other than the kids, the bills, and the house. LOL Sometimes I tell myself when I get ready to go to bed “I am not going to talk about work, kids, or household issues tonight.” Anything else but those issues. Sometimes it work and sometimes it doesn’t.
One thing my friend Doc told who has been with her hubby for 20 years, you will not always have something to talk about. Turn on the television, grab the paper or a book, and talk about that. Every conversation between a couple do not always have to be deep and intricate details of their life and relationship together. Talk about why that dumb arse millionaire needs to be kicked off of Survivor.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:49 am
Raqi-Talk about why that dumb arse millionaire needs to be kicked off of Survivor.<– That dude had me HOT last week!!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:50 am
Thanks, MRS. Raqi.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:53 am
lol…..
Very well… carry on…
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:57 am
That explains a lot about MacKenzie if that’s true…that’s nasty on all levels. Folks with no boundaries…SMH
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:58 am
Yall know how to put life back into stale bread? You put some heat to it. Sprinkle on a little water, wrap in a dish towel or papertowel and put in the microwave for a few seconds. Or wrap in foil and put in oven.
Heat and water (water is life) is the key.
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
11:59 am
SexyCool
u may wanna ask her,”so how is the communication,generally,tween u and hubby”?? That she came to ask u may or may not be an indication of a bigger issue.
I wld think tho that the key is communication with her hubby about her need for more “us” time..When they do go for the movies or dinner,instead of taking the kids with them,they ask for a relative to chip and help with the kids for a few hours.That may help to get her emotional needs met.
The hubby is doing the damn thing tho,tell her shes in a good spot coz of his hard wrk.But she just needs to communicate more with him so that he understands where she coming from.
When u do have a good wife etc,smetimes us dudes wl forget exctly what she talking about,the emotional needs of a woman.
Her concerns are very legitimate tho…
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:02 pm
Raqi,dont copy my answers!!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:08 pm
Thanks, Queen’s husband.
Just a little more info – She says that this came up when recently he took some days off to go to Miami with ‘the boys’ (which she didn’t have a problem with.), but noticed how it seemed easy for him to have extra energy for ‘the boys’ but most often, when he has time off to spend with her, they do very little or ‘nothing special’ as a couple because he is ‘tired’. Which she understands because he IS working two jobs. And that he has to work those two jobs to provide the ‘lifestyle’ that they have both become accustomed to.
But her bigger concern is their bond and not losing who they are as a couple.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:10 pm
Melo while communication is a vital part of relationships, communication is not always about pointing out a problem or issue verbally, it is also about doing.
One problem we women have is how present issues and it usually is in a way of saying “there’s a problem”. That makes the listener get on the defense without even hearing what the issue is. It is sometimes an unconscious reaction.
When I hear “we need to talk” I usually think “oh crap” or “what now”. Don’t present a problem not is not really a problem. A concern can just be dealt with in making an effort. Her thing is she just wants to keep it alive and spend time with her husband. She can do that without presenting an “issue” for discussion.
When I told my husband that I want us to have a date night every week I did not go into the whole song and dance about us not losing each other in life’s race. I just said we need to get out and away from it sometimes. We still love each other so let’s date like we do.
When you always present issues and put people on the defense they (we) will sometimes feel you (I am) are saying that the other person is lacking or doing something wrong. Even when it is not what you are saying.
I agree her concerns are legitimate but they should not be present as “we have a problem”.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:11 pm
How old is he? Sounds like he checked out of their marriage already.. There is no way that she is happy is her emotional needs aren’t being met..
Mo (aka Moeisha )
September 23rd, 2009
12:12 pm
Afternoon Everybody!
Hey Kinderbabe, good to read ya chica!
Raqi – that date night is a great thing. I had a friend who did that w her hubby before he passed away (they had no children either). They let NOTHING get in the way of their date night and she said it helped their relationship since they had opposite work hours
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:12 pm
Raqi,dont copy my answers
Dude it ain’t me copying it’s called being in the know. You know marriage, I know marriage….LOL
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:14 pm
They are the same age. And she insists that there are no other issues. He’s just tired from working all the time.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
12:15 pm
SexyCool
My relationship with Mrs. PG is similar. We both work and are working toward furthering education.
We realize that we should have quality time since quantity isn’t always available.
We like to do more interactive dates than the dinner and movie (although sometimes budget and/or time only allows us to do a movie).
Bowling is probably our #1 thing. We get to use our competitive natures out, and it doesn’t hurt that I can check out her nice body while she bowls.
Seriously though, we have done things such a pottery (kinda like the Movie “Ghost”), we’ve taken grilling/cooking classes at Viking (in the Brookwood area near the Kroger), we’ve done Malibu Grand Prix (Go Cart Racing), and other things. Creativity keeps us excited and interested. We take turns on choosing the evening.
On another note, Oceanaire in Atlanta will close sometime in upcoming months. The parent company filed bankruptcy during the summer and has already closed some restaurants around the US.
Trois closed during Labor Day Weekend.
Leggs
September 23rd, 2009
12:15 pm
I commend her in attempting to be proactive. Reading all this it does appear that certain things need to be addressed now before it gets worse. I understand men like to get away with the boys at times. But, if he has newfound energy for that and is lackluster around her….they need to get down to the core of the problem. She may wake up and realize he’s going on trips more and more while she’s at home wondering when did they lose the ability/desire to meet each others needs!!
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:19 pm
Dude is young & hasn’t had a chance to do fun things with his life.. I couldn’t imagine getting married @ 19..
PG- That is what I am talking about
Leggs- This is nothing new to her.. Most likely, women don’t talk abut issues when they first arise.. They tend to talk about them when they become a problem..