Training Camp
We talked about how character traits of single parents could translate into the traits of a husband and wife on Monday. I started to think about how women are taught as children to be the nurturer. You know we get the dolls, the domestic type toys to play with and mimic our mothers. As women get older, our “natural instinct” as women is cultivated by society.
By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve basically had a lifetime of “training camp” for motherhood. I have talked to a lot of married women who say that they may not have felt prepared for marriage and family in the beginning, but it wasn’t long before they adapted. Is it because we spend our lives being groomed for the job, even when we don’t even know it?
What kind of training camp do men have for being a good mate? If a young boy is given a totally different set of toys and mimics what he sees, what has prepared him to be a father and husband? If you think about it, the traits of a “good husband” aren’t exactly heralded as positive ones for single men to have. I would even argue that men are groomed to be the exact opposite. Does that partly explain why men are aversive to marriage?
Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship? Does it really come up? Do you think a lot of men “fake it till they make it” or do they work on it?
Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? What happens if you are missing that whole training camp background? Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage? If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?
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464 comments Add your comment
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
12:21 pm
Looks to me like they’ve already tried the going out “advice”….
I’m confusd now….
*looks around for her mariage license to contribute to the conversation* lol
i kid i kid
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:21 pm
but noticed how it seemed easy for him to have extra energy for ‘the boys’
SexyCool that’s why I said spend some time together and DO NOT talk about the house, kids, bills, yada, yada, yada. That’s the break he gets when he is with “the boys”. He don’t have to deal with all of that. That’s crap gets tiring sometimes. That’s why I told Mason we need to get away from “all of this” sometimes.
Dang she is young. I have been there. I can imagine how it is going down. My first husband worked two jobs and when he was home it was always about what else we needed to do to make ends meet. Or the baby did this, that and the other. Or the baby needs XYZ. The man probably needs a break. And so does she but she don’t know it yet.
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:21 pm
Raqi,there is communication and the art of comunication.U miss on both,u dont get the job done.
SexyCool i kinda suspected it…when a wife has to tell another person,there has to be some lingering concerns underneath otherwise she wld just address that issue with the hubby.
Now on the art of communicating, i suggest she address the issue the way Raqi suggests,in a sublime smooth way and not like its a Biggie issue to sit down and talk about…
Like Raqi, i have a problem weith the “we need to talk” talk.
Just call me or when i get home,come on the couch with me and just say,”how about we go out to old school satday, this saturday,or blah blah” rather than put me on notice……
I hate that!
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
12:25 pm
LMAO @ Dream_m! I’m dyin laughin’ over here. I needed that laugh. It was more like a guffaw.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
12:26 pm
Like Raqi, i have a problem weith the “we need to talk” talk.
Just call me or when i get home,come on the couch with me and just say,”how about we go out to old school satday, this saturday,or blah blah” rather than put me on notice……
I hate that!
I don’t get it… If the woman has an uderlying problem… feeling as though they don’t go out or spend time as much… DON”T TALK about it. just suggest things to do huh??? Did I miss something??
So when you go out that day and come home and you think everything is all hony dorey ( lol)…. but everything goes back to the same… YOur solution is to suggest another date night?
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
12:28 pm
We have date night and we even have been so busy in the past that we even schedule a sex night. That night was mandatory, not that either of us complained. We never wanted to busy for some of the basic things. We just did it so that we have time for each other that no one took (barring emergency). When you work and/or attend school at least 6 days every week, you gotta show a commitment to each others needs.
As for days out with the boys, that is not really an issue. We have a regularly scheduled time for getting together every other week. Sometimes it is as simple as getting together for lunch or as rowdy as a night at the Cheetah (when we want to see more than variety) or Magic City (when we just wanna a taste of chocolate). We all have Significant Others (some married some not, but all hitched).
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:34 pm
Dream_n,the lady wants time with her hubby,i guess, un- encumbered by the demands of motherhood….
solution,when hubby gets home,suggest ways to have time alone with hubby and hear hiz responds etc then go from there
Thats Comunication 101.
(what i dont like is being called on the wrk place to say,”we need to talk”) like i close my mouf whenever i see u.
Get it?
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:36 pm
The REAL question is, does the hubby WANT to spend any time with her?
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
12:38 pm
@ Lioness
The other day when you weren’t on here I was like where is Lioness.. Her one liners always crack me up lol….
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:40 pm
The REAL question is, does the hubby WANT to spend any time with her?
she will know when she opens her mouf to suggest this,that or the other……
Leggs
September 23rd, 2009
12:41 pm
@Lioness, the fact she said nothing else is wrong, subliminally says something else is wrong. Even if she thinks this is the only gray area, he may feel otherwise.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:42 pm
He works one of the two jobs every day of every week. When he is getting home at 5am or 7am depending on which job he is getting home from, she is asleep or getting up to get kids ready for school and getting ready to come to work herself. She doesn’t get home from work until after 8p most evenings, so, she has picked the kids up from the sitter’s and he has already left to go to work.
They only usually have time alone together on Mondays (her day off) after she has gotten the kids ready for school and before he has to leave for work at 5p or 7p.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:42 pm
Dream- Gurl, I bees serious!
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:42 pm
Man I tell ya, you are in a bad place when every time you turn the knob to enter your house it’s done with a sigh of despair or exhaustion. When I was raising my boys alone some days it was like “here we go again”. That’s when I took the advice to get away sometimes. I would go stay in a hotel for the weekend right around the corner just to get away. To not have to cook, clean, do the dishes, listen to other’s problem was a much needed break that I learned to give myself.
When you sigh opening that door or the ride home starts to feel dreary, you need to find a way to break away from it sometimes or it will only get worse. And break itself off.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
12:42 pm
@ Melo,
Why can’t she just ask.. why beat around the bush and play school.. giving him tests…. Just tell “him” how she feels. From the description of her byt Sexycool… She seemss to have a good head on her shoulders… no need to go around the subject
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:43 pm
The only reason she said nothing else is wrong because I specifically asked her that question.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
12:46 pm
@ Raqi
Tell me about it…. Preach my sista Preach!!
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:46 pm
Sexy- What are your thoughts(if you have any) about her situ?
Miss Moni
September 23rd, 2009
12:46 pm
@ Raqi: You truly are BLESSED! You’ve had 2 husbands and I’m still waiting on 1!
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:47 pm
Moni-
Soon come.. Soon come.. Make sure you aren’t out there looking..
STOP H8TIN ON ATTENCHION OHSSSS
September 23rd, 2009
12:47 pm
DONT YOU SEE YOU CACKLING BROADS RAN AWAY ALL THE REGULAR GUYS!?!?!?
IT IS VERY SAD BECAUSE YOU GUYS THINK YOU KNOW SO DAMN MUCH. ALWAYS RUNNING YOUR DAMN MOUTHS. KEEP THEM SHUT FOR ONCE! YOU TALK TOO MUCH
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:51 pm
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
12:51 pm
That seems like a really tough situation…they only have time on Mondays? Well that seems like the best day to make it a date night.
So if I’m reading correctly, they have three jobs between them? Maybe there are some underlying issues there. Not saying that there are, but it’s a possibility. For him to be working two jobs and then she also has one, it seems like quite a bit. I know that working three jobs can make for a stable home life, but at the expense of what? Their happiness? Their bond as husband and wife?
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:51 pm
Why can’t she just ask
she must..who is suggesting beating about the bish??
not me!
cme sit over here Queen, im watching my show and :
Queen,daddy,hw about we let auntie marry take care of the kids satrday and us 2 we go to Magic City?
King Melo: babe,thats what im talking ’bout!! did u say magic city or strokkers??
Queen:what u think,who has better ladies?
Kig melo: okaaay,we go both places so i can show u..u need to tell me what u gon wear…yeah(as melo plants a kiss on queen neck),maybe those hot short pants i got u for valentimes(not valentine’s) day!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:52 pm
Lioness – Hell, I’m single. I really don’t think I’m in a position to offer a married woman an opinion about how to maintain that bond.
However, as I think is rather obvious, I spent quite a bit of time talking to her about the situation and trying to help her explore her options and for HER to come up with some suggestions for things for them to do together and ways to maintain the bond.
She says that he still sends her flowers and buys her teddy bears and is attentive when they are together and that they have no bedroom problems and he is her best friend.
She also admits that maybe, just maybe this is something that’s all in her head because now that she’s down to 2 kids and not 6 she has more time on her hands. She also says that she knows that she wants to head off a problem before there is one.
It was at that point that I actually and quite honestly thought of Raqi. (And subsequently, the rest of you married bloggers.)
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
12:53 pm
LOL @ Stop H8tin!!!! I can’t stop laughin right now!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! I’m crying….
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:55 pm
Poppa one thing I thought about is not making our date night the same night every week. That can become mundane also. I used to go out with my friends every Wednesday night before I got married. I knew when I woke up on Wednesday morning what I was going to be doing that evening. It became very routine. Now we have to schedule way ahead of time more than back then because all 4 of us are married and it’s just not that easy. But we still try to get together even if it’s just for brunch on Sunday.
Finding time to spend with my husband will be a lot easier because we are only dealing with one household. But I still do not want to do it on the same night every week. And definitely not do the same type of things every time.
My girl friend does date night with her husband and sometimes their date night is right there in the home. They get rid of the kids and do stuff right there that only involves the two of them.
This thing call marriage takes some effort. You don’t want to lose touch with each. You don’t want to not be able to spend time with your friends every so often because you don’t want to feel like your relationship is smothering you. And then you don’t want to not do things as a family when there are kids involved.
There are 7 days in the week.
We can have a date night for the two of us.
A day to spend with friends separately, but not on the same night since we have kids.
A day to spend with friends together since we are all friends with each other.
A family day. Sundays could be a good family day.
And the rest could be home time to deal with home stuff.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:56 pm
I also asked the question about letting go of one of the jobs. That’s when she mentioned what him having the second job allowed them to do and the sense of comfort that it gives both of them.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:57 pm
She needs a girls night out..
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
1:00 pm
Compell- Don’t feed the animals..
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
1:01 pm
NOW,Dream_n remeber Raqi talked about the art of communicating..
there is other communication that escalates a problem and does not do much to ameliorate a situation.What black folk regard as confrontational communication styles by some black women….
i dont recommend it in a luving realtionship.
Everybody,men and women need to learn how to communiucate and when to communicate.
For me and my household,dont tell me problems the momemt i enter the kitchen door,coming from work unless its urgent and the house is on fire,leaking or sme like that.
My modus operandi is to come home,go upstairs,change to home comfy clothes,pee, then go dwnstairs chill and talk and watch the telli.
Now is the time for u to come sit beside me and talk about ur day,ur school day etc.
That aint beating about the bish….
Its the diplomacy of it all.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
1:01 pm
Raqi
Our date nights have to be different. Just based on our schedules. We look at each other syllabi and court calendars.
We actually set many of our nights with creative loafing on hand. You can find things to do anytime in a city this size.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
1:03 pm
Melo- I agree! Time & place
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
1:04 pm
SexyCool with the issue arising after shaking 4 kids she could possibly just have found herself with more time on her hands and feels a little neglected. Maybe.
I tell you what though, she has to make a big decision. Which does she want or need more? More of the money he brings in or more of his time.
Sometimes it’s just the price you pay.
From what I remember abc is a good one to speak on that.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
1:05 pm
We have done date night at home.
We did that this past weekend. I went to Whole Foods and got some Georgia Grass Fed Fillet Mignon, and some scallops did a surf and turf dinner, and some wine.
I pulled some Thelonious Monk out of the CD crates and put it on. With some candlelight, it was a home date night.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
1:06 pm
I agree with Lioness.
She may need some Girls Night outs, too. After all, she is bringing her concerns to SexyCool. It would probably be better for her to talk to a married woman (no offense meant SexyCool).
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
1:08 pm
PoppaG why n Hades there are no coupons in my Entertainment Book for BusyBee and JJ’s? Lol…
Hey man!
Miss Moni
September 23rd, 2009
1:08 pm
@ Lioness: I do believe that HE who finds a wife, finds a GOOD thing. So I’m waiting PATIENTLY to be found!
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
1:08 pm
This seems like just advice for any type of relationship… not specifically for a marriage… idk
What’s the difference between Goldie and Kurt’s relationship as opposed to someone who is married….
Can they comment on this topic???
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
1:13 pm
@ Dreamn – Yup. But sometimes it’s that tomato to-mah-to ‘coin’.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
1:14 pm
Cee
You knew that BusyBee and JJ’s weren’t gonna be in that book. Busy Bee has a daily special and that is the best that you will get! I will say though, they are worth every penny.
I have had to stay away for them for the last month and will probably stay away until the holidays. The wife and I are in a little family version of the Biggest Loser. She will be the Matron of Honor-I think that is what they call it-at a New Years Eve wedding in Chicago, IL. So, to be supportive, I joined in the weight loss thingy. It would be a little bit mean for me to eat Busy Bee chicken in front of her while she is eating healthy.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
1:16 pm
Moni-
Dream- Goldie & Kurt probably could comment on it but not just any old person in a relationship.. Homegirl needs to have a life of her own since her life has been based around children.. Not a good thing since she is sooo young and probably has YET to experience what HER life is really all about..
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
1:16 pm
Dream_n, I would say yeah. A live-in love is a lot closer to living a wedded union than dating living apart. So yeah.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
1:17 pm
PoppaG – None taken. She just sees me as a big sister. We do have a relationship outside of work.
As well, she does make time for GNO’s. I know, I’ve been out with her a few times.
Dream’n – I was not saying that an unmarried person could not offer advice in this situation. I was just specifically seeking advice from those in this forum who have consistently presented pictures of having stable, successful marriages.
I don’t mean to be offensive but what I gather from your situation is that you are living with a man who you took from his mother’s home, had a child with, who abuses you physically and verbally and that you are planning to leave at the end of your lease. So, I would say that your advice comes from a different standpoint and with different filters on it.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
1:18 pm
Finding Jesus at a Georgia truck stop
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/09/23/truck.chaplain/index.html
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
1:19 pm
PoppaG It is “matron of honor”…lol…okay you on the Big Loser regimen with Mrs. G and you sell out from fried chicken totally? For real?
My old man could never leave fried chicken outta his diet, course he’s not overweight either!
I was at Busy Bee a few weeks ago..
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
1:19 pm
What’s the difference between Goldie and Kurt’s relationship as opposed to someone who is married….
There are legal ramifications for them. They pretty much have to draw up wills to insure that the other gets something when one of them dies. Husbands and Wives get more of a priority when death does them part.
There is also a little difference when you know that you have to go through the whole divorce proceedings. Goldie and Kurt don’t. If I’m not mistaken they split in 2008. There was no divorce court. They simply went they own ways. Married folks have more to do to truly be split.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
1:20 pm
Where is this busy bee place??
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
1:21 pm
Now that its past 1.00 o’clock.
Imagine some pple, leaving and evacuating from Nu Erleens after Katrina to come settle in Austell ’round Atlanta, Ga, and now Sept 2009,they have to be rescued by boat from their flooded neigbhorhood coz of the tropical rains!
Hwz that for how I’m living??
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
1:21 pm
I’m sorry that’s “maid of honor” either or “matron” has something to do with if the female has been divorced….gGotta ask my old cater co-worker buddy, ’bout that one.