Training Camp
We talked about how character traits of single parents could translate into the traits of a husband and wife on Monday. I started to think about how women are taught as children to be the nurturer. You know we get the dolls, the domestic type toys to play with and mimic our mothers. As women get older, our “natural instinct” as women is cultivated by society.
By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve basically had a lifetime of “training camp” for motherhood. I have talked to a lot of married women who say that they may not have felt prepared for marriage and family in the beginning, but it wasn’t long before they adapted. Is it because we spend our lives being groomed for the job, even when we don’t even know it?
What kind of training camp do men have for being a good mate? If a young boy is given a totally different set of toys and mimics what he sees, what has prepared him to be a father and husband? If you think about it, the traits of a “good husband” aren’t exactly heralded as positive ones for single men to have. I would even argue that men are groomed to be the exact opposite. Does that partly explain why men are aversive to marriage?
Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship? Does it really come up? Do you think a lot of men “fake it till they make it” or do they work on it?
Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? What happens if you are missing that whole training camp background? Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage? If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?
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464 comments Add your comment
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
So true Dream_n. A woman being a good wife and mother is what she supposed to do and getz no praise. But a man gets a hero cookie just for being half-azzed.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
Dream_n Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do???
Good question…and applicable to women as well. During my daugther’s infant years, I’m a struggling mother, mad because life wasn’t exactly easy, struggling with the whole of motherhood. In a heated debate, I tell her you haven’t walked in my shoes, I’ve given up a lot for my baby. I feed her, take care of her, put my needs on hold, blah blah blah….and she says to me “AND RIGHTFULLY SO”…it took some time for me to get that but I got it. No accolades for doing the needful.
Ms.Sunshine
September 23rd, 2009
10:55 am
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband….
I totally agree with this…but I feel the same about single mothers. If you gotta do it alone, just do it. Why a big cheer because you are being a parent, something you chose to do? Hey, give me a reward for going to work or paying my bills then.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
Raqi Ms. Main that whole comment is so on point. Totally awesome.
Why thank you Ms. Raqi
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
Infamous now turns another chapter in your life. It’s okay for a man to cry.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
10:56 am
That’s MRS. Raqi to you chica.
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
10:59 am
That’s MRS. Raqi to you chica.
Gotcha
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:01 am
Ms. Main- That 10:41 is nothing BUT THE TRUTH!!
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:04 am
ok Raqi, you wanna get into semantics…..of course we’re going to be in training camp until the day we die, ’cause we live and we learn…..HOWEVER, some things we should have a firm grip on, and not make the same mistakes we did in our youth…now, if we learn from our mistakes, and don’t repeat ‘em, then I’d have to say we’ve mastered/conquered those obstacles……
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:07 am
I wasn’t taught to be anybody’s wife or mother.. My mom taught me to respect myself & others, go to school & take all that life has to offer..
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:10 am
A young lady works with me. She is 24yrs old and has been a wife and mother since she was 19. She is mature, settled, easygoing and just a wonderful person. At one point, she took responsibility for her brother’s four children (in addition to her two) for over a year. The nephews have since been taken by another (older) family member.
She came to me yesterday expressing some concern about the relationship between her and her husband. He works two full time jobs. So, they rarely have one on one time and when they do, they usually just go out to eat or to see a movie. She says that while they don’t have any problems now and everything between them is fine. She doesn’t want to wake up 5 years from now and not know who her husband is, have a totally different life than he does and having grown apart because they were so busy working, parenting, providing a certain way of life, that they didn’t nurture the relationship between the two of them.
But she also said she didn’t know how to approach him with it in a way that wouldn’t make it seem like she was unhappy (cause she’s not.) She’s just trying to be proactive. (Which I applaud her for having this foresight at such a young age.)
She asked me my thoughts. My response, “Hell, I don’t know. I’m single.” But I told her that I would ask my peoples.
Raqi? Melo? Poppa? Anybody else?
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:11 am
Lioness Yep, we’re seeing eye to eye
MR. Unknown
September 23rd, 2009
11:12 am
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband…. Maybe its do to the fact that we only hear about the bad that we are doing… How many of you can actually say that you talk about the good in a brother instead of the bad. Why not applaud… Bruths get tired of being beat down with the same story of bad…
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:12 am
now this is some trainin’ for ya azz……
“People magazine says Phillips writes in her new book, “High on Arrival,” that she had sex with her father on the night before she was to get married in 1979.”
abc
September 23rd, 2009
11:14 am
I was raised that men dont cry, they dont kiss boys, you take care of your family and you will work or you wont eat.
DK, I think those things are absolutely true. I kissed my boys when they were babies, but by the time they were 6-8 years old, they were pretty much over that themselves, and I thought that was a pretty good thing, actually.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:24 am
If a brutha (lol) is doing good… then there is no reason to talk bad… If a brutha is doing bad… well the rest is history….
I’m not going to give you a standing ovation b/c you chose to take care of home instead of running off, I ‘ll respect you for that.
I think these are the 21st century guyz needing that pat on the back….
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
11:25 am
SexyCool
she has not expressed any other reservations about her husband so we assume her only concern is the “time tgether” part..
I wld venture to say that shes in a good place with a luving husband who works hard to provide for his fam.Its really hard out there and if ones’ salary aint that much, any normal hubby shld do evething in their power,2/3 jobs so as to make ends meet…
However,any relationship needs to be nourished in order to last and hers is no different.
She needs to talk to her hubby and explain her need for more “us” time.If they have relatives to help her with the kid(s) while hubby and herslf go out to enjoy their youth,since they young,they cld try that route.But she needs to comunicate that to her man in order to make her relationship strong.Without effective comunication,that cry to an outsider i.e. a man cld end up being bad for her relationship.
Her concern is not unusual in my view..i think it is very legitimate.Any relationship needs to be spiced up and her hubby cld wiggle some time to do that,if only her concerns are expressed.
Good luck for her on that!
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:26 am
@ SexyCool
Sit her husband down and talk…… period
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:28 am
Mr.Unknown How many of you can actually say that you talk about the good in a brother instead of the bad. Why not applaud…
Don’t get it wrong…I don’t think there’s not one good sister on this blog or anywhere in the world that cannot appreciate or will not show her appreciate for that good man. A good man though? A man that’s simply doing what he should. Whether you get stroked for being such or not, has nothing to do with you performing in the role made for you. As with women as well. Again, nothing wrong with showing apprecation for either man or woman and really a good spouse/mate will, but what’s the down factor in not getting stroked about it.
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:31 am
And say what, Dream’n?
If she knew exactly what to say to him, there would be no point in asking for advice.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:32 am
Hold on SexyCool, let me talk to 2CPTG for a minute.
2CPTG I know that. I learned and also tell me oldest that until he remembers that mistake, how it feels and learns from it he will continue to repeat. But what I am saying is just in terms of life and not necessarily mistakes we will be forever learning.
As you know I already had two kids when I got married nearly 4 years ago. I already know what it’s like to raise to kids however where I am now, in this relationship, with this man, having birthed his child is something new. Yeah the whole big picture is the same. Man, wife, child but the individual personalites are different and makes the way I need to act and respond different to a degree. So now I am learning my life with him and this baby as well as incorporating it with the me back then.
Heck I am still in training raising my oldest. Until he is completely out of my pocket and from under my care I am still raising him. That’s what I mean.
I have never raised a daughter before, but hey now I have to. Yall pray for me. LOL
Each progression is life carries it’s own lesson. Hence I say we will always be in training.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:35 am
@ SexyCool
Tell him what she told you…
Sometimes when it comes to a husband and wife (IMO)… outside advice isn’t always the best… Go to the root of the problem which is the communication between her and her husband…. When they go out for that movie/dinner…. or when there is that alone time… Tell him exactly what she told you, the raw emotion of what she is feeling… don’t try sugar coat it to make it come out nice…. (IMO)
kinderbabe
September 23rd, 2009
11:36 am
good morning all. hope everyone is groovy.:) have a good day.
Page1908
September 23rd, 2009
11:36 am
lol @ “brutha”- Dream_n
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:38 am
Advice is always from the outside, isn’t it?
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:39 am
@2C – If that aint the nastiest!…alright dang!
Kym-is up for trying something new.
September 23rd, 2009
11:40 am
Morning All,
I always tell my kiddio I am teaching him to be a good person. Treat others well, raise hell when its necessary, wash yourself, feed yourself, and stay away from the people who will get you arrested. I find myself repeating things I learned from my elders to the boy. Somedays it clicks(heck he even refreshes my memory from time to time) other days–err not so much. But I always encourge his interest no matter if I understand them or not(I could care less about aliens, starfighters, and life on other planets) because I always remember my folks encourged mine.
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:42 am
@ Mr. Unknown – Contrary to popular belief some of us woman do NOT get “ata girl” cause we’re doing what we are suppose to do.
2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!
September 23rd, 2009
11:42 am
@ Cee….I guess he wanted to train her how she’s supposed to do with her hubby….I’on know, hell….
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:44 am
@ SexyCool
never mind
Compelling
September 23rd, 2009
11:44 am
@ SexyCool- I actually agree with Dream_n. Sometimes it’s better just to talk things out with that person. Nothing helps like going to the source. As her husband, he shouldn’t be put off by her expressing her concerns. I’m not married, but I do believe that the lines of communication should be open between and husband and wife and she should be able to go straight to him with how she’s feeling and have him respect and appreciate her being forthcoming. No need to suffer in silence.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:46 am
Dude probably feels the same way she does about their marriage..
Cemeeli
September 23rd, 2009
11:47 am
Hey kinderteach! School’s in session! Yay!
I promised if my son played that Wii a little harder yesturday will he was home, that I was going to make him write the entire Declaration of Independance for “busy work” today (if they’d be out).
He clean my kitchen so well tho’ so how can i be upset for real!?
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:47 am
SexyCool she maybe could make efforts to keep the fire burning. Suggest that they do things together to stay in touch with each other and their marriage.
I was telling Mason the other night that I want us to have a date night once a week. Or at least every other week. I don’t want to lose my connection him amid the hustle and bustle of everyday living. It can get lost. You go day in and day out in the routine of life, the days passing you by so fast and not realizing that you are losing touch and/or growing apart.
We all wish this thing was effortless but it is not. She has to take it upon herself to be active in the way of keeping it close and together. I would say not to necessarily approach him with the “I don’t want us to grow apart” speech but rather just do it.
One thing I suggest since he is working two jobs, maybe get a sitter like her mother or someone who would not mind watching the kids for an hour or two, and meet him for lunch or on his break at the job that he works when she is not working. And talk about something other than the kids, the bills, and the house. LOL Sometimes I tell myself when I get ready to go to bed “I am not going to talk about work, kids, or household issues tonight.” Anything else but those issues. Sometimes it work and sometimes it doesn’t.
One thing my friend Doc told who has been with her hubby for 20 years, you will not always have something to talk about. Turn on the television, grab the paper or a book, and talk about that. Every conversation between a couple do not always have to be deep and intricate details of their life and relationship together. Talk about why that dumb arse millionaire needs to be kicked off of Survivor.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
11:49 am
Raqi-Talk about why that dumb arse millionaire needs to be kicked off of Survivor.<– That dude had me HOT last week!!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
11:50 am
Thanks, MRS. Raqi.
Dream_n
September 23rd, 2009
11:53 am
lol…..
Very well… carry on…
Ms.Main
September 23rd, 2009
11:57 am
That explains a lot about MacKenzie if that’s true…that’s nasty on all levels. Folks with no boundaries…SMH
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
11:58 am
Yall know how to put life back into stale bread? You put some heat to it. Sprinkle on a little water, wrap in a dish towel or papertowel and put in the microwave for a few seconds. Or wrap in foil and put in oven.
Heat and water (water is life) is the key.
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
11:59 am
SexyCool
u may wanna ask her,”so how is the communication,generally,tween u and hubby”?? That she came to ask u may or may not be an indication of a bigger issue.
I wld think tho that the key is communication with her hubby about her need for more “us” time..When they do go for the movies or dinner,instead of taking the kids with them,they ask for a relative to chip and help with the kids for a few hours.That may help to get her emotional needs met.
The hubby is doing the damn thing tho,tell her shes in a good spot coz of his hard wrk.But she just needs to communicate more with him so that he understands where she coming from.
When u do have a good wife etc,smetimes us dudes wl forget exctly what she talking about,the emotional needs of a woman.
Her concerns are very legitimate tho…
Melo
September 23rd, 2009
12:02 pm
Raqi,dont copy my answers!!
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:08 pm
Thanks, Queen’s husband.
Just a little more info – She says that this came up when recently he took some days off to go to Miami with ‘the boys’ (which she didn’t have a problem with.), but noticed how it seemed easy for him to have extra energy for ‘the boys’ but most often, when he has time off to spend with her, they do very little or ‘nothing special’ as a couple because he is ‘tired’. Which she understands because he IS working two jobs. And that he has to work those two jobs to provide the ‘lifestyle’ that they have both become accustomed to.
But her bigger concern is their bond and not losing who they are as a couple.
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:10 pm
Melo while communication is a vital part of relationships, communication is not always about pointing out a problem or issue verbally, it is also about doing.
One problem we women have is how present issues and it usually is in a way of saying “there’s a problem”. That makes the listener get on the defense without even hearing what the issue is. It is sometimes an unconscious reaction.
When I hear “we need to talk” I usually think “oh crap” or “what now”. Don’t present a problem not is not really a problem. A concern can just be dealt with in making an effort. Her thing is she just wants to keep it alive and spend time with her husband. She can do that without presenting an “issue” for discussion.
When I told my husband that I want us to have a date night every week I did not go into the whole song and dance about us not losing each other in life’s race. I just said we need to get out and away from it sometimes. We still love each other so let’s date like we do.
When you always present issues and put people on the defense they (we) will sometimes feel you (I am) are saying that the other person is lacking or doing something wrong. Even when it is not what you are saying.
I agree her concerns are legitimate but they should not be present as “we have a problem”.
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:11 pm
How old is he? Sounds like he checked out of their marriage already.. There is no way that she is happy is her emotional needs aren’t being met..
Mo (aka Moeisha )
September 23rd, 2009
12:12 pm
Afternoon Everybody!
Hey Kinderbabe, good to read ya chica!
Raqi – that date night is a great thing. I had a friend who did that w her hubby before he passed away (they had no children either). They let NOTHING get in the way of their date night and she said it helped their relationship since they had opposite work hours
Raqi...The Good Wife?
September 23rd, 2009
12:12 pm
Raqi,dont copy my answers
Dude it ain’t me copying it’s called being in the know. You know marriage, I know marriage….LOL
SexyCool.........That is all.
September 23rd, 2009
12:14 pm
They are the same age. And she insists that there are no other issues. He’s just tired from working all the time.
Poppa Grande
September 23rd, 2009
12:15 pm
SexyCool
My relationship with Mrs. PG is similar. We both work and are working toward furthering education.
We realize that we should have quality time since quantity isn’t always available.
We like to do more interactive dates than the dinner and movie (although sometimes budget and/or time only allows us to do a movie).
Bowling is probably our #1 thing. We get to use our competitive natures out, and it doesn’t hurt that I can check out her nice body while she bowls.
Seriously though, we have done things such a pottery (kinda like the Movie “Ghost”), we’ve taken grilling/cooking classes at Viking (in the Brookwood area near the Kroger), we’ve done Malibu Grand Prix (Go Cart Racing), and other things. Creativity keeps us excited and interested. We take turns on choosing the evening.
On another note, Oceanaire in Atlanta will close sometime in upcoming months. The parent company filed bankruptcy during the summer and has already closed some restaurants around the US.
Trois closed during Labor Day Weekend.
Leggs
September 23rd, 2009
12:15 pm
I commend her in attempting to be proactive. Reading all this it does appear that certain things need to be addressed now before it gets worse. I understand men like to get away with the boys at times. But, if he has newfound energy for that and is lackluster around her….they need to get down to the core of the problem. She may wake up and realize he’s going on trips more and more while she’s at home wondering when did they lose the ability/desire to meet each others needs!!
Lioness
September 23rd, 2009
12:19 pm
Dude is young & hasn’t had a chance to do fun things with his life.. I couldn’t imagine getting married @ 19..
PG- That is what I am talking about
Leggs- This is nothing new to her.. Most likely, women don’t talk abut issues when they first arise.. They tend to talk about them when they become a problem..