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Training Camp

We talked about how character traits of single parents could translate into the traits of a husband and wife on Monday. I started to think about how women are taught as children to be the nurturer. You know we get the dolls, the domestic type toys to play with and mimic our mothers.  As women get older, our “natural instinct” as women is cultivated by society.

By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve basically had a lifetime of “training camp” for motherhood.  I have talked to a lot of married women who say that they may not have felt prepared for marriage and family in the beginning, but it wasn’t long before they adapted. Is it because we spend our lives being groomed for the job, even when we don’t even know it?

What kind of training camp do men have for being a good mate? If a young boy is given a totally different set of toys and mimics what he sees, what has prepared him to be a father and husband? If you think about it, the traits of a “good husband” aren’t exactly heralded as positive ones for single men to have. I would even argue that men are groomed to be the exact opposite. Does that partly explain why men are aversive to marriage?

Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship? Does it really come up? Do you think a lot of men “fake it till they make it” or do they work on it?

Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? What happens if you are missing that whole training camp background? Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage? If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?

464 comments Add your comment

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
8:48 am

early sunny moring to ya!

…a men unfavorable to marriage, is like a woman being gold digger.

No matter how you were raised, individual character traits change as we learn and grow…we say it all the time “i’m a different person i was in my 20, 30…ect.”

by design we all change with each good or bad relationship.

mytw♥cents... Still Standing

September 23rd, 2009
8:56 am

Hi everybody. There was one of me on the ark! Hope all is well with your persons and properties and you are sufficiently reminded that tomorrow is not promised.

It’ll be interesting to see how many even notice the divide in toys. My girlfriend and I were speaking recently (well actually she was going off) about the fact that lots of little boy stuff is more intellectually based while little girl stuff is still frivolous or domestication based. Even the action figures and weaponry make them use brain power to operate and they can do so independently while it’s a no brainer to put the baby in the stroller or they at least need a pretend group for a tea party… But theses are things we can overanalyze if we half way try. So at the end of the day, parents probably should rely more on themselves to give the children the foundation needed so as to trump any subliminals they get from items purchased at Target & Toys R Us.

mytw♥cents... Still Standing

September 23rd, 2009
9:00 am

CEMEELI That sounds like sumthin Simon Confucius might say…

Blow Me

September 23rd, 2009
9:01 am

Good Morning..Still in awe of the goodie mob concert. Did anyone get to attend this weekend? It was great!

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
9:17 am

mytwosense I’m not sure what Confucius might say, but Fiji mos’ def would be passin out the “take home” literature about it….

btw – my tea parties had REAL Lipton extra sweet tea in momma’s old white and flowr teacups, with some cheap Murray’s coconut cookies… while i slapped my GI joe figure AND kicked his London logs into the middle of next week, for him eating & drinking tea before my black Cabbage Patch doll! now “intellect toys” me on that!

mytw♥cents... Still Standing

September 23rd, 2009
9:34 am

Lawdammercy! You can try to train up a CEE in the way she should go, but those passive – aggressive tendencies will last well into adulthood. I think that’s how the Proverbs or whatnot is written. ;)

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
9:36 am

Yes most little girls were on directed the road to wifey while growing up.

I know I was brought up in the “training camp” of The Good Wife for sure. I remember hearing so many times “if you are going to get married one day blah, blah, blah” and/or “if you plan to be a good wife and mother yada, yada, yada” so it was instilled in me early that I would probably someday be the wife of some unlucky man. LOL

But along that same line my dad taught us you have to pay your bills. Be responsible. Don’t wait for anyone to do for you, do for yourself. So while I was being trained to be a wife I was also being trained to be self-sufficient. But it was mostly wifey duties that I got hammered with.

From what I witnessed my mom seemed to be a good wife so I had a chance to see how it pretty much would, should, could work up close.

Compelling

September 23rd, 2009
9:37 am

I’d be interested to hear the men’s perspective on this. I can say that I believe in both nature and nurture. Some characteristics are almost ingrained in us, it’s the way we were designed. I also believe in nurture in that those who raised you shape you in some way.

I learned how to be a good mother and wife by watching my mother. She never sat me down and talked about her duties per se, but she taught me through action. Helping her make big dinner, setting the table, cleaning our home, watching her interact with my father. I’d have to say that I also learned what a husband should be by watching my dad interact with us and with my mother. I would have to say that they both took on the “traditional” roles, but that wasn’t a bad thing I learned a lot.

MR. Unknown

September 23rd, 2009
9:44 am

Eddie Royal had a great training camp, now buddy is selling me out in FF.. Need to trade out…
Most women had great training camps, but some how lost their skills… So most guys like myself look to trade out.. They look good on paper, but don’t produce in the field.. Some women (I said some)choose to use beauty in place of said skills, or conveniently decide to ignore them,, if you don’t know who they are quick example(I don’t know how to cook but I know how to order). Then you run into the sleeper chick, the one that you probaly wouldn’t have looked at twice.. The Sleeper Chick has a nice balance about herself, she’s usally not on the waiver very long.. Morning guys.

2CPTG - "I f you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!

September 23rd, 2009
9:50 am

Interesting question….cause unless a dude is raised in and around a healthy relationship, whether directly, or indirectly, he ain’t getting no ‘learnin…shootin’ straight from the hip; hopefully by late 20’s, early 30’s he’s had enough battle scars to finally be able to lead a clan…..

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
9:51 am

I do agree about how a lot of boys are raised. They are given toys that point toward fighting and protecting. Fancy cars and trucks. And that’s how they grow up. They are not taught how to love and nurture. They are not put in positions to know that they may one day have their own family. In them being taught to protect it is not implied that the protection will be for your family. It is mostly self protection. Or for the team. But the team is made up other boys. Hence the potnahs.
That protection and fight mentally is a very good trait to carry into a marriage. However, the marriage and the wife is not the enemy. The outside world is.

Boys were also given toys to build. Legos, model cars and planes, chemistry sets, etc…..

Which is also a good trait to have however they were never told how those should and can be adapted into a relationship or marriage.

I think the divide is not only in how we were raised but also in nature itself. You usually find that girls show and interest in boys years before boys reciprocate that interest.

When I would play house I knew that there was supposed to be a husband from seeing my parents so I would try to get my brother to play with me. He was not interested at all. He would rather be outside conquering the world from that tree in our backyard. He would rather be getting into some mischief than holding the baby doll.

See that’s why Mason almost dropped the baby the other day while watching the game. He was not trained to seat still and play daddy. LOL
But I do think it all eventually balances into the right direction as it should. Man was given the woman so I know God must have put something in him for him to be the man to his woman. A father to his children.

Life itself teaches you when you get older. Any man trying to use an excuse is still a little boy in mind.

Dream_n

September 23rd, 2009
9:51 am

Good Morning All, :)

My mom never sat me down and gave me the Wife/Mother tutorial. When I was younger I didn’t sit and observe what she did as a mother or wife.. I just thought and saw of her as “mommy” :) ….

Now that I”m older and I look back I appreciate and value everything she taught me directly and indirectly…. I’m “aware” of how to be a good mother/ and “wife”( although I don’t really want to cross that bridge lol).

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
9:52 am

mytwo – Here you go…

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13

Now I was trained according to what ^^^THAT^^^ means also. :)

SexyCool.........That is all.

September 23rd, 2009
9:53 am

Three Words Daily – Mind over matter.

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
9:54 am

@ Mytwo – I’d had a pretty good breakfast from manna on HIGH this morning…so you know!

abc

September 23rd, 2009
9:54 am

In my experience, women are no better equipped to deal with their first children or be a good parent than men are. American culture has the effect of encouraging women to participate in the workforce and have a career, not stay home and be a nurturing parent, and make no mistake — young children are better off with Mom at home, not in a day care while Mom’s at work.

I was 12 when my baby brother was born, and I was pretty much designated official diaper changer and baby feeder. By the time he was 3 the maid pretty much took care of him all the time. I had to teach new mommy how to do all the basics when all 3 of my children were born, and they pretty much left it up to me to handle all that anyway, which was okay with me — they were so squeamish about adequately cleaning up the baby boy’s butt and other privates that they’d get a rash.

So, I don’t buy the maternal instinct bit. I don’t buy the natural inclination to be wifey, either. Two people will be good for each other in that regard if they want to be; they’ll be good parents to their children if they want to be. If they want to be enough.

kimmie

September 23rd, 2009
9:56 am

Good beautiful morning blog people! Blogging from home today with the little boy & girl teacups

I could not get to the blog Monday from work at all and was only able to see it yesterday late in the afternoon. Hope everyone survived the “Atlanta Katrina” well and with little or no damage.

On topic – I guess I went through the “training camp” so to speak, by watching my mom. She was, according to my observation, a fabulous wife & mother. I remember my father going on and on about that to someone when she passed away. Both parents I guess were traditional in their roles. But my mother never showed me how to do anything by prefacing “this is what a wife and mother should do”. Her main goal was for me and my brothers to be self-sufficient. She didn’t think it was cute for anyone, male or female, to not be able to clean up behind themselves, do laundry, and prepare simple meals. She said she was preparing us for the world, not some spouse per se. She did say it was an abomination for a MOTHER to not be able to cook at least simple meals for her child. And she did say she wanted my brothers to be able to care for themselves because she said she said women were not being raised to care for homes & families like her much anymore.

So the “Training Camp for a Self-Sufficient, Contributing Member of Society” is the one I attended.

Mike Jones (who)

September 23rd, 2009
10:05 am

Growing up I was given toys like video games and sports stuff. Neither has helped very much in the dating game unless the female can handle herself on the “sticks” (video game) or if she’s into basketball.

But I was also given great male role models to learn from. Thats where I learned how to be (in a deep voice) a MAN! I picked up things mostly from watching my parents interact through the ups and downs, the rest I picked up from my peers and watching HBO late night specials!!! lol

Chris Rock said
A fathers main job as a parent is to keep his daughter off the pole! lol If she ends up being a skripper you f***ed up!

Dream_n

September 23rd, 2009
10:05 am

Melo

September 23rd, 2009
10:07 am

Guys, if men are taught to be hunters and providers, what or whom is teaching you about the other important traits that are needed for a relationship?

we learn by observing,as kids, and things get ingrained in our brain.That which u observe from older folks becomes some kinda normal for u,in a very sub-conscious way…without u having to take any meaningful notice of saying,yeah,im gonna do that when i grow up to be a daddy or mummy.
And i believe that is why some turn out to be good and others bad,all becoz of what we saw or observed,growing up.
Others have no clue,they know they want to be this way or that way but growing up,there was no role model in that position.They kinda get lost.
Whenever i go outside to cut my grass, i ask my prince to go out with me and now at 4 yrs old,he even wants to cut grass himself.
I put him on the saddle and let him handle it even tho its me applying all the skills.Im getting him prepared.When i clean up the lawn and shrubbery,hes there with me picking up his own trash.When i make errands to home depot,hes there in the truck.
Thats how u prepare them and that is how i was raised as well.
Whenever i have some tense words to say to my Queen,we reserve that fro upstairs,with the door shut.U got conduct myslef in a ceratain way,even when in their midst.No cussing in my house,no foul words of any sort.The moment we slip on that,it becomes a normal for them as well.
And thats my training manual so far!

Merning folks,hope everybody is here! :lol:

Dream_n

September 23rd, 2009
10:10 am

@ abc

Your opinion is definately valid, b/c you are speaking from “your experience”…

On the other hand.. I truly belive that “women” have the mother instinct in them. You were “thrown” into having to take care of your brother, that wasn’t something already planted inside of you. As a “first” time mom of a 3 yr old… I just had that nuturing spirit about me.. before my little one was born I didn’t take a class on how to take care of a baby… It came naturally as I think it does for most women. IMO

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
10:10 am

kimmie I heard the “wife” bit a lot growing up especially from my grandmother.

I was sad when my first husband died but that was probably one of the best things that happened to and for me. I was left alone to raise a child on my own. The things my dad tried to teach us about paying your bills and getting out there making it were really about to come in handy at that time. I had to make it.

When I was 18 I tricked my dad into letting me put off going to college for one year. All I wanted to do was marry that boy at the time. And that’s what I did and never made it to higher learning. If that young had not died I would not be the woman I am today. I know I wouldn’t be.

I just wanted to be his wife and I very well possibly would be an unfulfilled wife right now knowing nothing but being his wife.

Deeva4Life

September 23rd, 2009
10:11 am

I guess I fall in a different category than most posted here…my mom didn’t really “train” me and my sisters to be wives and mothers. And my dad wasn’t the best example of what to expect from a husband and father. Now don’t get it twisted, I love my parents; I feel they did the best they could with what they knew. However, my mom lost her mom at a young age and my dad lost his dad at an even younger age so neither of them had that “model” to learn from. I’ve been blessed to spend time with my Godmother who’s been married for 46 years and the mother of 5. She would be my best example of what a wife and mother should be and do. She’ll be the first to admit those 46 years have been nothing shy of hard work and there were some real rocky points, but she’s from an era where you MAKE it work. Having been married before, I’m not really sure if my ex-husband truly thought I was a “good” wife (he says I was, but that’s usually on the heels of him trying to “hookup”…as if) but I was so young and didn’t even know myself. The real proof will come when/if I marry again.

THE INFAMOUS DK

September 23rd, 2009
10:13 am

I was raised that men dont cry, they dont kiss boys, you take care of your family and you will work or you wont eat. I will say my Dad wasnt a bad dad but he wasnt the nurturing type. He never told me he loved me, but I knew he did by the way he would look at me with those proud eyes. Ive never seen my father cry, even when his mother died he sat there and didnt mutter a word. My Dad stood on what he believed in and meant what he said. Thats why I said the other day the only part he missed on was telling me he loved me cause a dude could have heard that from his dad and I make sure I tell my son all the time that Daddy loves him. Growing up I just knew my Dad was Furious Styles cause he would always say “Son you think Im being hard on you but you’ll appreciate it one day” and honestly I do. My Dad taught me how to wash a car, change oil, mow the grass, try to fix something by grabbing a book because you dont have to pay for everything, he taught me about respect, he showed me how a man should handle a household and he taught me how to be a stand up Dude period. Thats why its so hard for me to accept the new fangledness of women today because I truly believe the man should be the head of the household because when everything else fails its on his shoulders. He wasnt perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I appreciate him for the things he did.

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am

@ Kimmie & teacups – Do they know who gave them that name? Haaay missy!

@ Melo – Do you know what a Sit n Spin is? Ever seen/heard of ‘em?

kimmie

September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am

I remember going to visit my uncle & his family in California one summer. His youngest daughter, my cousin, was about 5 and her brother was about 10. We went shopping one day for toys & stuff for the kids. I remember taking girl cuz to look at the dolls and other girly stuff. She seemed bored out of her mind. The boy stuff was exciting and loud, with all the sirens, bells & whistles! We ended up picking out this cool remote control red car for her that went fast and made noise. I told my uncle she just wanted something more exciting! She’s a lovely young lady in college now with an inquisitive mind. She knows how to cook and clean too, by the way.

Parents should observe their kids and try to tap on their budding talents. Don’t stifle them because “society” says boys should do this and girls should do that.

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
10:14 am

One thing I can say about my two husbands, not knowing each and every trait they picked up as boys along the way, they both knew and know that a husband belongs at home. Not out running the streets all times of the day and night.

I am fortunate to have married two men whose fathers were pretty good husbands and one a good father and the other an okay father.

Melo

September 23rd, 2009
10:19 am

@ Melo – Do you know what a Sit n Spin is? Ever seen/heard of ‘em?

NOPE….but im sure there is a zulu version of it.
Spit it!!

2CPTG - "If you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready" - that includes huntin' and providn'!

September 23rd, 2009
10:21 am

you asked for it Cee….

Random Thought by 2 Can:…….if you’re a parent and live at home, you’re STILL in training camp!

SexyCool.........That is all.

September 23rd, 2009
10:24 am

Can’t say that my training had anything to do with toys. I never had very many as a child. I was more into reading.

Some of what I observed as a child were more What Not To Do lessons. Fortunately, my stepmother came into my life at a time where I was able to learn a lot from her about how to be a wife. And saw how my dad treated her as my foundation for how a man treats his wife.

As to being a mother, I have seen the missteps that friends have made as young parents raising themselves while attempting to raise children. I am glad that I have put off motherhood. Should I travel down that path, it will be with a greater understanding of what it means to truly RAISE a child and with a willingness to make sacrifices that I would not have been ready to make at a younger age.

kimmie

September 23rd, 2009
10:25 am

Hey Sister Cee – Naw, I have not told them their blog nicknames! I think it’s so cute though!

Melo – See, that’s how I’m used to boys being raised. My dad, granddad, uncles all did it the way you do. And that’s how they learned to be gentlemen too – show them how to hold the door for the ladies, things like that. Be respectful to their mother & sisters so that’s how they treat ladies they date & marry. And you are so right, parents have to set the example and keep their grown-up business to themselves! That’s exactly how my parents were and other couples in the family. Excellent!

Raqi – We live and we learn. Sometimes life is the best teacher. And we eventually see what our parents tried to teach us.

AmazonRed™

September 23rd, 2009
10:26 am

Morning all –

There wasn’t real training camp going on when I was coming up either. My mother was primarly concerned with building character and self-esteem. That was her focus. She felt the domestic duties could be learned when it was time to marry.

THE INFAMOUS DK

September 23rd, 2009
10:34 am

Newsflash – Ok I take it back.. I just saw my Father cry for the first time just now.. He just came to the office and told me his best buddy of 45 years just died.. He balled his eyes out. He told me Im a good son and that he and his guy was just talking about that Monday. Dang Im shook on so many levels right now. He just got up and walked out after he said what he had to say. I feel stupid cause I couldnt say anything; first because dude passed but then cause Pops was crying.. I gotta call my sister..

kimmie

September 23rd, 2009
10:35 am

DK – Beautiful story about your dad.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2009
10:37 am

I like that 2C…at home and still in training.

I strongly believe that once a woman gives birth, motherly instincts “immediately” become front and center. I wasn’t afraid of that tiny little baby when I had to change her diaper or pick her up, but her father was. For some men, babies are simply too fragile for their rough mental, big hands. I learned on my own and doing what my heart told me to do. Sometimes, my heart told me to call Mama! Sure, I watched others over the years as I was maturing and some of those visions I saw and the words I heard stuck with me and some didn’t. What I know for sure is I can only parent the way that feels right to me.

Compelling

September 23rd, 2009
10:38 am

I’m so sorry to hear that DK. Well it’s a good thing that your dad knew he could come to you and talk to you in a moment like that. He needed someone to lean on.

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
10:39 am

@ Melo – Sit n Spin is a toy that you sit on a spin for hours and hours on end…

I had it as a kid lil tot, as I remember…I’d go into my own world just playing on that toy and when I finished playing on it I enjoyed reading a few comic books…today it has been redesigned with sounds a lights (of course “modern day” toy) and they say it’s good for balance, motor development …ect.

When I was a kid my mom always said the toy is totally senseless but we as 70s 80s kids loved it & it did not require a lot of “special skill”…so…therefore they reinvented the new version. What’s funny is kids don NOT use/appreciate the reinvention and use the old time why…less all the “lights and sounds”…

My point is, you and your son are bonding, cutting grass, dad/son time by your own design and how YOU train him…most times MEN that are trained to do how they were raised really don’t stray away much from the “old time’ way. What gets me is…alotta these men KNOW, they just…I’on know…

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
10:40 am

Everything we see as kids in the household molds our minds. If you grow up with a dad that is a workaholic and never home that is a good indication of how a boy branching from that household will be or think. And that is also what a girl can come to expect from the man in her life.

If there is fussing and fighting amongst the parents all the time, you will grow thinking that is normal and how your life will be.

It’s only when you a chance to see or experience another side that you began desire something else. A lot of folks have no clue of what they were missing in the household or even how fortunate they had it until they see the other side.

One of my friends nearly ruined her marriage in its early stage because she grew up in a household where both parents were married to their careers more than each other and there was very little PDA in the house between the two. She and her husband both are physicians and she says when she got married she sorta was in one part of the apartment working on her thing and left her husband to do the same. Well that didn’t set to well with him and caused big problems in their relationship. They BOTH had to learn to meet each other half way. Well more like 45/55 but it’s working.

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
10:41 am

Thanks 2C…glad you brought that up.

Ms.Main

September 23rd, 2009
10:41 am

I believe girls are taught…taught something, anything in an effort to become mother/wife material….even if misguided. However, boys mostly I don’t believe are groomed or taught or steered in the direction of fatherhood/husbandship (can I say that). I honestly don’t think most believe there’s a need. There’s no stigma attached to a bad seed of a man. If he’s a bad seed, he’s often labeled a victim and if he decides to change the tides in his life and man up he becomes the hero. Other than that…for a man…that’s it. Because of the stigma that can be associated to a bad apple of a woman that has seemingly failed or is misguided or about as dumb as a box of rocks or lost or without a clue, an effort to avoid manifestation of such or ward off is done by teaching little girls during their impressionable years mommies/women/wife 101. The double standard is in full effect, there’s nothing to live down even if his life is nothing but turmoil, heck if he churns out a buttload of kids AND never takes responsibility, again he’s a victim. A victim of being black, a victim of being born with two stikes against him, a victim of society….blah blah blah. With women, EVERY single mistake, mishap, faux pas is eternally associated and attached. So it is my belief because of such, the effort to groom and teach is laid upon the female persuasion. It is also my belief boys being left to rear themselves is the demise of so much gone wrong in our society. I don’t mean boys aren’t told to get a job, support themselves, etc., but they are not taught to be the glue that holds everything together. To be the backbone they’re were intended. While it’s a shared tragedy for either man or woman to lack teaching and guidance, boys being left to raise themselves is a huge factor. Just my opinion.

Cemeeli

September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am

….”heads up” to you and your Pops Infamous.

Dream_n

September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am

@ DK :

Sorry to hear… my prayers our with everyone who’s effected..

Leggs

September 23rd, 2009
10:42 am

@DK ~ It was endearing to read that your father has been friends with another man for 45 years. Sorry to hear about his loss!

Ms.Sunshine

September 23rd, 2009
10:43 am

Ladies, do you think that you’ve been to a virtual “training camp” to be a good wife? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Nope. My mom just did her job as a wife and mom and I learned by observing her.

Do you think it makes a difference on your views about love and marriage?

Yep, it does. If people miss this lesson, it’s blatantly obvious. Look at dating today and you see the remnants of it.

If a guy makes a horrible boyfriend, would that make you think twice about viewing him as a viable husband candidate?

Not think twice, I wouldn’t even think of marrying that joker. if he can’t be a boyfriend right, how the heck can I expect him to take care of me and our kids?

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Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am

2CPTG we will always be in training until the day we die. There is no one that has stumbled upon every situation and mastered in it all.

Ms.Main

September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am

Be it a wife or husband, as long as it’s a road you’ve never travel, guidance is always needed. I don’t the learn as you go is a good wear. While some may have faired well, sooo many other instances or failures can be attributed to not knowing how to fair.

Dream_n

September 23rd, 2009
10:49 am

If he’s a bad seed, he’s often labeled a victim and if he decides to change the tides in his life and man up he becomes the hero.

Well said Ms. Main….
Why do we applaud men for doing what they should do??? Being a father/Being a good husband….

Ms.Main

September 23rd, 2009
10:50 am

we will always be in training until the day we die. There is no one that has stumbled upon every situation and mastered in it all.

I cosign this statement however, a foundation is always needed to navigate from day to day.

Raqi...The Good Wife?

September 23rd, 2009
10:52 am

Ms. Main that whole comment is so on point. Totally awesome.