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Seal the Deal

I know a lot of men who say that compatibility in the bedroom is extremely important to them. I have never heard them say it is what would seal the deal when it comes to marriage though.

I think some women believe that men are into the chase and they only want one thing in a dating relationship.  I’m sure that is the case with a lot of single people, men and women.  However, those of us who actually value friendship over sex, are willing to find out if the compatibility extends past the bedroom. Do you find this a challenge in dating?

Is it difficult to get each other to focus on our “emotional connection” with someone without letting the  sex cloud our judgment?

Do you think that men value sex over friendship more than women? What if a guy is looking for a committed relationship, does that make a difference?

Ladies, do you think you would marry someone just because of the great sex? Would you marry someone if it was mediocre or bad? Does love have to seal the deal for you to marry?

Men, what seals the deal for you when you feel like you’ve met Ms. Right?

356 comments Add your comment

Dan

September 16th, 2009
8:26 am

Good morning,

The famed “emotional connection” is enhanced by sex (realistically, when are you ever more connected?).

Likewise, compatability extends to the bedroom as well. If he’s a rabbit and she’s a turtle (or vice versa) that creates inherent difficulties.

As for “sealing the deal”, I personally wouldn’t know about marriage but it’s a definite plus for me in a relationship.

And yes, men value sex over friendship (but only slightly- like 55-45).

Grace

September 16th, 2009
8:40 am

Great sex will not keep me, if that’s all you have to offer and there’s no love in the equation, I’ll keep walking, I need the whole shabang!

dw

September 16th, 2009
8:47 am

I disagree Dan, we don’t value sex over friendship. I would much rather have 1 friend that I know I can depend on and who has my best interest at heart, than 10 booty calls. Booty calls are easy to find, but real friends aren’t.
LOYALTY is what would seal the deal for me. I need to know you got my back and I will make sure you know I have yours. When you can feel secure in the fact that your mate will always be there for you, that’s better than any sex you could ever have.

Anon B.

September 16th, 2009
8:51 am

Totally agree–>When you can feel secure in the fact that your mate will always be there for you, that’s better than any sex you could ever have.

And THAT makes the sex even hotter. at least for me!

Dan

September 16th, 2009
8:54 am

@Dw/Anon

Then, by your estimation, a platonic female friend (that has your back and is LOYAL) is really all you need?

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
8:57 am

Sex is important in relationships is not the most important aspect. It is just a piece of the puzzle that makes for a good, healthy relationship. It cannot stand alone. Never have and never will.

While the sexual relationship between my husband and I is quite enjoyable, on most days LOL, it is far from what sealed the deal for me to marry him. I just felt so together with him in my life. Yes he completes me. But that is not all he does. He gets me. A lot of people don’t understand what that means but when you are as complex as I can be at times, having someone that gets you and is inspired by it…you’ll have to experience it to get it.

He is everything I need and a great deal of what I wanted.

And you know the most important thing is we like each other. We actually like each other. Love is grand but like is what makes it work. Every time my husband smiles and looks at me and says “you know what I like you” that means a helluva lot.

Okay now enough of that corny stuff…

Anon B.

September 16th, 2009
9:04 am

Nope, that’s why I said the sex will be even hotter. I don’t have sex with my male friends. Trust, sex is important to me. Very important, but I’ve learned enough in dealing with men, that if the other parts aren’t there, that mind blowing, deep in your gut thrusts won’t change a thing.

Dan

September 16th, 2009
9:07 am

@Anon

My bad, I thought you were a male. My comment was aimed at the “male” sensability.

DW, if you’re a woman, my apologies to you as well

dw

September 16th, 2009
9:09 am

@Dan–That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that loyalty is more important than sex. I like sex just like the next man, don’t get it twisted, but it’s not the most important thing.

dw

September 16th, 2009
9:11 am

Oh, I’m a MAN. Perhaps to boys sex is all that matters. I have never been sprung by what a female does in the bedroom, but I have been sprung by what she does outside of the bedroom, and what goes on in the bedroom dresses up the other part very nicely.

Anon B.

September 16th, 2009
9:13 am

It’s cool.

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
9:14 am

To have a person that gets you…oh I already said that.

Sealing the deal usually follows a series of events and actions. It’s sorta like buying a car. You have the finding what you like stage. You have the negotiation stage, which I would liken to the dating dance and getting to know each other. And then you make the purchase. You seal the deal.

During negotiation you determine what you are willing to live and not live with. You get to see what type of friend they are, how they handle conflict, how they chose to resolve matters if at all, what makes them happy, what turns them off, and what turns their ignition.

The one thing I noticed looking back now before I got married, there were many things that I loved and liked about Mr. Mason, but there was one thing added that sealed the deal. Locked me in. He said something to his mother that he loved so dearly that let me know he was the one.

When a person is willing to give up something to be with you that’s a good indication that they are all in.

Dan

September 16th, 2009
9:15 am

@dw

Nice.

While acknowledging that I should’ve included the (ever necessary) conditional “most men”; I never said that it was the most important part of a relationship.

To readdress my original question to you, if your platonic female friend did everything “outside the bedroom” but nothing to “dress up the other part”, could you committ to her?

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
9:18 am

men value sex over friendship

Dan are you saying that you can have a meaningful relationship with a woman that you are not total friends with if the sex alone is to your satisfaction?

dw

September 16th, 2009
9:26 am

The title “plutonic” inherently comes with the fact that you two are not interested in persuing a romantic relationship with one another, rather you find each other’s friendship to be on the same level as the one you share with your male friends. So no I wouldn’t committ to her because I wouldn’t have any romantic interest in her. Sex in relationships happens when there is a romantic interest being shared between the two, if only for one night. Plutonic friends don’t think about having sex with each other, because it would be a kin to wanting to have sex with your sister. (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit, lol)

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
9:33 am

My son has these geometrical wooden puzzles that he likes to play with, and the issue of the many parts it takes to make or have a relationship reminds me of those puzzles. All parts of that puzzle are of the importance. The puzzle is not complete until all parts are in place.

If I took one of those puzzles and wrote on each piece the things that are important to me in a relationship (loyalty, love, trust, friendship, sex, sacrifice…………danggit I got distracted. What was I saying?

Well I’ll say this it would not be complete with all the pieces in place.

Dan

September 16th, 2009
9:34 am

@dw

That’s (kinda) the point, if sex wasn’t important to a committed relationship, then you’d be in a relationship with your best female friend. That’s where the “joys of sex” plays it’s role.

Likewise, would you committ to a womam with whom sex was horrible? These are valid questions when you state about how little the sex matters. The other things you mentioned are great (fantastic, wonderful) things that add to a relationship, but the lack physical attraction and romantic chemistry would doom even the most loyal and caring of partners (male and female). Lofty ideal, practical nightmare. Isallimsaying

@Raqi

Meaningful, no. That relationship would be only about sex. But the point that I’m tryin to make is that like good sex enhances a relationship, bad or no sex can ruin it.

Ms. Main

September 16th, 2009
9:44 am

Like all of your posts so far (except the throwing up in mouth bit)…..DW that’s how a man reads

It seems to me, value is placed on what a person finds value in. If getting down is the be all that ends all, then yeah sex is waaaay up there for you. But making life and love I don’t believe is as difficult as sometimes portrayed but it takes more effort than the old heave of repeated back and forths, bust and done. In essence anybody can hump heck animals do but sealing the deal would have to be done on the right combination of connection on all levels.

Kym has a Southern Voice

September 16th, 2009
9:47 am

Morning All,

I think sex is an essential part of a relationship but not the main part. Now would I marry for the great sex… nope. Would I be quick to dip on a guy who is lacking proper training in sex…hmmm that is pause for thought. While he maybe wonderful, kind, good convo. He better have a willingness to learn cause err..there will be ISSUES. I think someone pointed out you can’t have a cold fish and a hot tamale rolling around. Someone is going to be unsatisfied.

dw

September 16th, 2009
9:47 am

I never said sex wasn’t important. I said that sex wasn’t THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. Please understand that having that “mind blowing” sex could eventually lead to her becoming a mother. Now ask yourself is having some good “stuff” equivalent to being a good mother or wife? COME ON BRO!
You wouldn’t be trying to have a relationship with somebody in the first place if there was no physical or romanctic chemistry, so a committment would never come into play. And keeping it one hunnid, when was the last time you had horrible sex with a woman? We always acheive the end result, women should be more concerned about that. Because, at the end of the day vagina is vagina, no matter who it was attached to, it has always made me climax. That’s why the other things matter more because if it got wet we could do it with a hole in the ground, you know good and well sex is not emotional for us and therefore would not be a deciding factor in making a commitment to a woman.

AmazonRed™

September 16th, 2009
9:49 am

Morning all –

Do you think that men value sex over friendship more than women?

Naturally.

I was just thinking last night that I wish men worked as hard at relationships as they did trying to get the na na! :lol:

And for me personally, it’s really hard to keep a guy focused on the emotional connection. Guys are constantly trying to get into my pants and are hoping for it to happen as quickly as possible. It’s a constant battle to shift their focus.

And no I wouldn’t marry someone just for great sex, but I couldn’t marry someone who couldn’t satisfy me either.

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
9:49 am

Three Words Daily – Still holding on.

Ms. Main

September 16th, 2009
9:52 am

That’s why the other things matter more because if it got wet we could do it with a hole in the ground, you know good and well sex is not emotional for us

It must be grand being a man…just a thought, not a slight or attack

JG

September 16th, 2009
9:53 am

For me sex doesn’t seal the deal, for me it’s communication, how easy it is to say how good things are as well as being able to talk about concerns. That and how easy it is for a woman to be herself. If she’s corny she’s corny, but she knows it and is cool with it. That’s very sexy to me and seals the deal.
I think sex can make you miss out on important things and put your values down for a minute. Eventually what matters most will come back up that’s when issues start and it seems like the relationship is going in different directions.
Over the years I’ve learned that friendship is the most important things when it comes to dealing with women. The biggest reason is because we don’t think alike but if you are able to express yourself and she is able to express herself it’s easier to agree to disagree or change views.
The deal sealer for me is comfortability how comfortable she is with me and vice versa, that and just being able to flow between settings and not take life so seriously.:-)

Dan

September 16th, 2009
9:54 am

@dw

So we agreeing that it isn’t the most important thing. (and kudos to you for never having bad sex) I guess we differ in opinion in that as well. The “vagina being vagina” ain’t really my steeze, bruh.

Kym has a Southern Voice

September 16th, 2009
9:55 am

Now that is interesting dw because I have heard many guys say that all not vagina is created equal. You are the first I have read to say they are.

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
9:55 am

Well, boom-shocka-locka first thing on a Wednesday morning. You are bringing the fire this week, WiseD.

Sexually compatibility is a key ingredient.

You can bake a cake without a rising agent and it will still resemble a dessert. It will be sweet and you can even add frosting and still be able to eat it. But it will not be a good cake.

You can have a relationship without good sex and it will resemble a relationship. You can share a household, bills and a last name. But it will probably not be a good relationship.

Ms. Main

September 16th, 2009
9:55 am

Guys are constantly trying to get into my pants and are hoping for it to happen as quickly as possible. It’s a constant battle to shift their focus<—— and becomes tiring too

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
10:02 am

And of course, there is more to it than my rather elementary breakdown, but I’m just going on basics.

FOR ME, sexually compatibility is important and COULD seal the deal if other key relationship elements exist.

But as much as I enjoy great relations, I would not marry simply because of it. If that were the case, I would be Mrs. SomebodyElse’sLastName. ALREADY!

Dream_n

September 16th, 2009
10:04 am

Good Morning All :)

I personally (as a woman) would rather a guy that stimulates me emotionally and mentally as opposed to physically. I think women (or maybe its just me) can go without having sex for long amounts of time with a person and be genuinely content in just that person’s company alone. I think sex is overrated… hell its 85% mental IMO…… I couldn’t see myself marrying a guy for the sex alone lmao!!! thats just plain comical….

I’m not a man so i can’t speak from a man’s perspective, but I know of some men that would rather have a girl that is grade 10 in the bedroom (but lacks other components) than a girl that has all the components (but lacks in the bedroom).

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
10:08 am

Well, dernit, why do ya’ haveta settle? Why not hold out for the total package? Total packages do exist, ya know.

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
10:09 am

Please understand that having that “mind blowing” sex could eventually lead to her becoming a mother.

DW you bring about a good point here. Having sex could lead to pregnancy. If sex is the most important thing to a man in a relationship what happens when he can’t get sex and possibly because of a pregnancy in progress. How does he cope when it is not available? Does he desert his wife and relationship during a temporary set back to have that one thing that he feels is most important?

Who was it that said on here that he does not even allow his woman a break if the mood hits him during her period? Not even time off to let nature take it’s course.

dw

September 16th, 2009
10:10 am

@Kym and Dan–I contend that it’s how you felt about the person before the sex that determines whether you consider it good or not, from a male perspective that is. If you were already amped up about getting with her and you had already decided that you like her like that, when you have sex you would automatically consider it to be good. On the other hand if you were indifferent about her from the jump then you’re gonna feel indifferent about her after sex. Sex doesn’t change things as much for men in a relationship, unless they aren’t getting any and they feel like the relationship needs to be moved to that level.

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
10:11 am

Sex is the epitome of love for a lot of men.

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
10:14 am

If you were already amped up about getting with her and you had already decided that you like her like that, when you have sex you would automatically consider it to be good.

I don’t agree with that 100% because I think that’s when the divide of sex versus intimacy takes place. The physical act of sex can be satisfying and you not feel anything for the person. But intimacy is all emotions and based on your feelings for the one you are bonding with. Just sex versus Making Love. It’s all in the mindset.

AmazonRed™

September 16th, 2009
10:16 am

When you can feel secure in the fact that your mate will always be there for you, that’s better than any sex you could ever have.

It’s nice to have a man say, and understand this.

I’ve never been one for casual sex and guys will try to “convince” me by promising pleasure. Uh, I don’t know you like that so really there is only so far I’ll go up the mountaintop.

But some of em have died trying. :lol:

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
10:18 am

Guess I’m a different kinda chick.

I have dated a guy in the past that I was really, really digging. But then when the sex came, I was like “Whatdahell?” (And it was not a ’size’ issue.)

He was perfect on paper. Tall, 6′7″, handsome, great physical condition, owned a successful business, kid-lite (only had one kid), no baby momma drama, generous, funny, intelligent, ambitious, laid back….and I could go on.

But sexually, NO CHEMISTRY. NO CONNECTION. And in the end, it was a NO GO.

Dan

September 16th, 2009
10:21 am

@dw

I disagree entirely.

My feeling about the woman can be enhanced after sex, and they can be lessened.

As I stated, (personally) there is no connection stronger than that during sex. The rhythm, the timing, the looks, the feel – all that is a part of the “emotional connection” for me. Because if we can’t connect in (for me) the most intimate of moments, then all else is lost.

If I get the sense that I’m not getting all of her then; I don’t want the rest after.

@Raqi

Most emotionally mature men know the difference between sex and love.

Kym has a Southern Voice

September 16th, 2009
10:23 am

Raqi,

I had sex during my pregnancy..matter of fact he couldn’t keep up my drive during the pregnancy.
@dv I have had great sex with a guy I knew was a loser..but the sex was wonderful and I have had sex that was mediocre with a guy I thought was great. (there’s 10 mins of my life I will never get back)

dw

September 16th, 2009
10:27 am

@Dan–I respect your opinion, but I personally feel like any enhanced feelings as a result of sex are superficial. What you said to Raqi, is what I’m saying, making a committment to marry someone should not be based on sex but on love.
Tell a woman you love her right after sex, and see if she believes you, even if you mean it from the bottom of your heart it’s still taboo to do that.
@Raqi–I see the point that you’re making and I think we’re on the same page, but on different paragraphs.

Raqi...Sealed.

September 16th, 2009
10:30 am

I had sex during my pregnancy..matter of fact he couldn’t keep up my drive during the pregnancy.

Kym so did I but that is not the case for some. One of my friends was placed on bed rest and could not engage in intercourse for the last 2 months of her pregnanct. And then there is the 6 weeks that follows giving birth that every women is advised not to engage.

For a man that feels that sex is the most important thing in his relationship having to go 3 months or just those 6 weeks can create a bad situation.

Lioness-

September 16th, 2009
10:32 am

One of my friends was placed on bed rest and could not engage in intercourse for the last 2 months of her pregnanct. And then there is the 6 weeks that follows giving birth that every women is advised not to engage.<–Wasn't JACK wrong with her mouth..

Lioness-

September 16th, 2009
10:34 am

Sex is VERY important to me..

Dream_n

September 16th, 2009
10:36 am

@ SexyCool

You have to help me understand that one….. Was there an chemistry outside of the bedroom… I mean did you like him alot… but just couldn’t go on with the relationship b/c the sex wasn’t good?? Couldn’t you have taught him your lkes/dislikes?? just curious

but I personally feel like any enhanced feelings as a result of sex are superficial.

I agree and disagree with you at the same time… :)

Dream_n

September 16th, 2009
10:38 am

As I stated, (personally) there is no connection stronger than that during sex.

Wow!…. are you for real???

AmazonRed™

September 16th, 2009
10:40 am

Dan

September 16th, 2009
10:42 am

@dw

Respectfully, that’s what sex is. The expression of whatever emotion you’re feeling for one another (and sometimes it’s a pressure release valve, but let’s stick to the former).

If I’m vibing with a woman, and the time comes and the vibe changes during sex, I’m put off. If she’s open and honest outside the bedroom, but restrained during sex – something doesn’t add up.

I dig what you’re saying, we disagree on methodologies.

Lioness-

September 16th, 2009
10:42 am

Dream- You really think you can teach a grown man how to have sex? Oral sex maybe, but intercourse?? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lioness-

September 16th, 2009
10:44 am

DAn- If she’s open and honest outside the bedroom, but restrained during sex – something doesn’t add up. <– Please explain.. What are you trying to add up?

SexyCool - Joy like a river flows.

September 16th, 2009
10:45 am

Dream’n – There was major chemistry outside of the bedroom. We were actually an ideal match in every other way.

As far as teaching him, he didn’t see anything wrong with what he was doing and what he was doing was not working for me.

As he was in his late-30’s, who was I to attempt to ‘correct’ his ways? You can’t teach a grown man nothing he don’t wanna learn.