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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Can You Be My Co-Star?

I haven’t watched Oprah’s interview with Whitney Houston in it’s entirety yet, but I saw a portion of it. I believe Oprah asked if her ex-husband, Bobby Brown was ever jealous of her success.  Houston paused for a moment before answering yes, but she mentioned that when her career skyrocketed, he was supportive. Her career and success took center stage and he took on the role of protector and supportive husband, and she loved that.

When we discussed single successful women,  I noticed that the new male-female relationship dynamic is probably completely new territory. Many of us grew up with our fathers’ career and ambitions taking center stage.

So how would a couple navigate the whole new world of being more versatile and flexible to the modern-day circumstances?

Ladies, are you meeting or dating men that would feel comfortable with your career taking center stage?  I honestly think that men would be willing to be supportive for the right woman.

Do you think it is possible to have an equal and loving partnership if the woman is the “leading lady” and her man is in the supporting role?

I know that men often say that loyalty and support is an absolute must in their woman. Are men able to provide the same to women when her career is red hot?  What part of being the co-star instead of the star of the show would bother you? How can women help to make this dynamic work for you?

286 comments Add your comment

Bibay

September 15th, 2009
11:36 am

An example is a friend of mine is working on an MBA and not working but his girlfriend is an OBGYN with her own practice. We were discussing home theatres and he made a comment about chairs that were really expensive and right in front of us she goes “that’s great and maybe you can get a job also”. That was a disrespectful attack in front of us that was unnecessary. She probably thought nothing of it but I know he didnt like that….All in all…the RESPECT has to be there or this will not work.

His post did not say “he was reaching in girlfriends’s pockets to pay for the chairs”.

Lioness-

September 15th, 2009
11:46 am

SexyCool - Still waters run deep.

September 15th, 2009
11:47 am

The breadwinning chick may not get dismissed, but she may get cheated on. John Edwards with his love child and the South Carolina governor with his latin lover are the two examples that come to mind without real thought.

M. (pronounced M dot)

September 15th, 2009
11:47 am

@Bibay

THANK YOU!!!! He just made a suggestion of chairs that were like $300 a pop.

Dan

September 15th, 2009
11:52 am

@abc

Right on!

@Anon

Anyone can get dismissed. Esp. a disrespectful woman (regardless of her income) or man (regardless of his income).

Some people don’t deal with foolishness AT ALL

Lioness-

September 15th, 2009
11:53 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: @ $300 a pop

Poppa Grande

September 15th, 2009
11:59 am

This topic brings “Not easily broken” to my mind. The wife brought in darn near all of the money, and she seemed to lack respect for him. (Her mom just added gasoline to the fire).

Mutual respect has to be there for this to work.

Deeva4Life

September 15th, 2009
12:04 pm

Anyone can get dismissed. Esp. a disrespectful woman (regardless of her income) or man (regardless of his income).

My point exactly…thanks Dan ;)

Bibay

September 15th, 2009
12:07 pm

M. – You are welcome. Just seems that folks are jumping to a lot of conclusions based on your posting.

Poppa Grande- I thought that was a great movie. A lot of married folks or those in relationships should see that movie as an example of how not to treat your significant other.

Chris Broe

September 15th, 2009
12:07 pm

My wife was the primary breadwinner for all 26 years of our marriage. It was a wry situation, and I would have worked my own career if I woulda had the raisins, but my wife was very needy, and if you throw in the bun she had in the oven, then my half-baked attempts to sandwich a career between a being a husband, dad, and a partner aren’t such a Wonder. I was content to help my wife’s career rise.

The only problem with wife as primary bread winner: when she falls out of bed she always lands jelly-side down.

Raqi...Coexisting

September 15th, 2009
12:09 pm

I agree it is all about respect. But people just don’t lose respect for an individual in their life just because the sky is cloudy.

Deeva4Life

September 15th, 2009
12:12 pm

@ Raqi – I agree.

Jamoca

September 15th, 2009
12:13 pm

Good afternoon you all…

ur quote above is exactly what trips most female stars i.e. lack of tact!
Otherwise,co-starring wld not be a problem. A man or woman that pushes up their chest to try and validate that they are the real deal in this joint aint all that. That is where co-starring becomes a problem for a man.
The greatest diss a female can do to a man is when there are others around!.

Melo – You hit it with that right there ^^^.

Actually, I had front row seat of a similar situation involving a close relative of mine and her husband. We’re all in the kitchen to include my daughters, helping to prep a few items for the following day’s event. Apparently, they rented a really nice beverage fountain. Pressed for time, her husband forgot to make sure all of the little gadgets were flowing properly before leaving the place. He comes home and presents it to her…and they are both somewhat irritable at this point…or rather overwhelmed with all that needs to be done. Well, they both discover that there is a part of the fountain that is not flowing as it should, so he decides to return it (obviously). But while he’s packing it back up, she’s haulin’ off at the mouth about how forgetful he was, and how if she had went and done it herself, she would not have allowed herself to be given something that was defective, without first testing it before purchasing and/or renting…rahhh, rahhh, rahhh…just spoutin’…right in front of us. I felt awful for him and somewhat disgusted with her. She could have asked us to excuse ourselves, so when she failed to do that (as well), I excused my children and then myself. And later on, I brought it to her attention of how out of place and uncomfortable that was for us, and I could not imagine how he must’ve felt, but the look on his face said plenty along with the “if you say one mo’ word”…and wouldn’t you know, she apologized profusely…especially to him, since it was so unlike her…matter of fact, he was recently laid off. Had just received another promotion, been in the banking industry for 20 years or so. But a very supportive husband and the type that will go to jail about his wife. So she’s the only one working and it’s definitely a hard pill for him to swallow. But I don’t think his current situation had anything to do with it. Clearly, they were both just overwhelmed at the moment.

Now, the way that I see it…it don’t (yeah I said “don’t instead of doesn’t)…but it DON’T take a person who hasn’t been married before to have the ability to sit back and analyze a situation where somethin’ just ain’t right. I didn’t need to know all the details (in their case) the bottomline was sufficient enough. And the shyt was fowl The Way she did it. There’s always more than one way to skin a cat and she straight butchered it. So with that being said, really…there was no excuse.

Jamoca

September 15th, 2009
12:18 pm

This guy is not hurting for money…He paid for his MBA program in cash but that’s neither here nor there…she just dealt with this the at the wrong time and place…

M. – I see what you are saying and IMO I’d say same goes for your friend. And I did not see anything really wrong with a mere “discussion” of a home theatre being “enough” to make his lady haul off the way she did. Nor did I read anywhere in your post that he was planning on using any of her money…especially since you mentioned the man paid for his MBA in cold cash. Heyal, the way it would appear to me, if his not working was really a problem for her, I’m sure she had ample enough time to bring her “frustrations” to the wood with him (in private), not wait until the opportune moment to throw that mess in his face. I really didn’t see where he implied nor asked her for a dayum thang. And yes, one can be and/or get dismissed for some shyt like that. This ain’t about no doggone money. It boils down to respect. And she had/has none for your friend, at least not from where I sit.

I mean really, reverse that situation (read: foolishness) to what’s considered “traditional” (roles). Any man would be out of pocket, dead wrong – if he so dared came sideways with that jive. No amount of money would make me stick around while buddy attempts to put me on front street, for simply having a conversation about something I liked, especially if I didn’t ask him for a dime…and definitely a no go if I’m not hurting for money. I translate the term dismissed to “cut off”, termination of the relationship, burning bridges. I simply can’t see myself being with some who doesn’t respect me or my position…even if it’s not first on the totem pole. And I’d expect the person that I involve myself with to have a similar view. Because if it really just boils down to who’s making more or any at all, then what we have here is not a relationship…it appears to be straight business.

aggwitt

September 15th, 2009
12:21 pm

the blog is broken

Jamoca

September 15th, 2009
12:22 pm

Bibay – Respect. Bottomline. And I concur with that. …didn’t see yours before I posted, it will show eventually.

aggwitt

September 15th, 2009
12:23 pm

Only way the broad being the primary breadwinner is gonna be a cause for issue is if

a – she constantly is reminding a dude that she is in fact the money in they operation
b – dude feels ever little thing is a knock on his finances/manhood

mytw♥cents...Devil's Pie

September 15th, 2009
12:26 pm

Start with selecting the right one and they wouldn’t have to think twice. There will always be those who are more focused on getting credited for the specific title of roles than the actual output of that particular character. Some women would be all about slapping that across their chests in neon lights or just plain get drunk with pseudo power. (Somehow these usually have a Leading Man) But there are others of us who’d do no such thing…

Just because Jennifer Hudson was labeled “Supporting Actress” does not mean I’m willing to concede that she didn’t carry Dreamgirls and should’ve technically been considered the lead. Likewise, just cuz I may end up the main breadwinner (given my propensity to starving artists & let’s live off love types) in no way makes me the Head od Household. If I am not single, I am NOT the head. I am not tryna be it no matter what. It’s neither my desire or intent. In fact, it would defeat much of my purpose in ever entering into type of union.

Dan

September 15th, 2009
12:29 pm

@aggwitt

Now you know – in one of those moments when she get to “talking to the girls” she gone slip and say something (he may hear it, he may not); or

She may be makin lil slick comments about it when they alone; or

The minute he feel like he gotta ask for money, it’s an issue.

Replace the “she” with the “he” and the “he” with a “she”, and that’s the human condition.

Melo

September 15th, 2009
12:35 pm

But people just don’t lose respect for an individual in their life just because the sky is cloudy.

yes but it can also be becoz the woman has her value system real wrong.

This topic really hits home for me coz what M. described was kinda my situation,early on in our marriage and after i had finished my MBA.

I had been working for a major bank(wont disclose) at the same time i was chasing school.When i was done, i was really looking forward to climbing up and went for a couple of interviews within the bank for investment analyst type positions.It didnt pan out. I got major depressed at work and thoght i was getting my dues.So i decided to quit and look elswehere.
It was kinda hard in the begining coz i had to really scrap for money,doing jobs that were not my type nor nowhere the equivalent of my education.That meant that my Queen had to fot the major ticket items in my home.
She got really biattchy about the whole situation and really kinda treated me like the back of her hand.When i tell u that my marriage has been work, i am a living example of it.
Thankfully, i am more mature in most respects,had gone thru a marriage be4 and really wanted this to work,so i stuck it out,albeit the disses etc.And God was on my side coz it didnt take long for her to be ladi off at her job and the tables were kinda turned.
I was on my way,gaining major consulting gigs and earning more decent wages….It took her own temporary down fall to see the light and mature as a woman.

I think that apart from not having a good moral compass on some things,some females are just not used to being responsible for a home,financially and when they do,it overwhelmes them mentally. Yet others dont understand what marriage entails and that it is a struggle and hard work on both sides.It entails being able to discuss,argue civily and come to mutuall understanding and respect and at times,being the lever of the other.
No 2 marriages or relationships are alike and i find that smetimes,in trying to compare one’s marriage or relatiosnhip with another,females get into all sorts of problems with their SO.

Melo

September 15th, 2009
12:37 pm

wasnt getting my dues…

AmazonRed™ - yay Pats, *sigh* Raiders

September 15th, 2009
12:49 pm

The only problem with wife as primary bread winner: when she falls out of bed she always lands jelly-side down.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

SexyCool - Still waters run deep.

September 15th, 2009
12:53 pm

Yeah, what My2 said.

SexyCool - Still waters run deep.

September 15th, 2009
12:56 pm

Melo – 1235p – awesome insight. You a’ight sometimes. ~teasing~

aggwitt

September 15th, 2009
12:58 pm

What does it mean when your reply is longer than the orignal topic? lol

Kym-take my homework please!!

September 15th, 2009
1:01 pm

Well as I pointed out yesterday..our recession is also called a he-cession because of the number of men out of work. Who were once breadwinners and now they are on unemployment. I am sure from all I have read there are quite a few men folks adjusting to this new turn of events. Even in Canada females in the workforce outnumber males. The trend is growing here in the USA. Oh yeah and according to the stats-women still make 77cents for every one dollar a man makes.

Dan

September 15th, 2009
1:07 pm

@Melo

He!!uva post. Preciate that honesty

Raqi...Coexisting

September 15th, 2009
1:12 pm

Melo exactly.

AmazonRed™ - yay Pats, *sigh* Raiders

September 15th, 2009
1:13 pm

And God was on my side coz it didnt take long for her to be ladi off at her job and the tables were kinda turned.

:lol:

melo – Thanks for sharing.

Kanye West

September 15th, 2009
1:15 pm

Yo Wise Diva, I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish, but John Kessler had one of the greatest blogs of all time!

Angie

September 15th, 2009
1:22 pm

i watched hill harper this morning in a movie he co-star with LL. *speak of the devil* i thought about him yesterday, and what i came up with is that he is selfish. and yes i agree that he is adding to the problem.

he’s an ok actor. i wish he would have put his energy/degree/intelligence into something much greater.

M. (pronounced M dot)

September 15th, 2009
1:25 pm

@Bibay

I know right…they put the heat on me and I was just trying to stick to the topic…

I actually just met him for lunch and we were discussing her attitude etc…I may hold out on getting in a relationship even longer….like Michael Crabtree from the 49ers……lol

mytw♥cents...For You

September 15th, 2009
1:28 pm

ZULU Did you say God was on your side because of her lay off? Comical! But it does take something major to humble ourselves, sometimes. I’m glad you’re commited to working hard at strengthening your marriage…and jinxing Queen at the same time. :razz:

Leggs

September 15th, 2009
1:31 pm

Great post, Melo.

mytw♥cents...Devil's Pie

September 15th, 2009
1:32 pm

Hey, Mods, where’s my Devil’s Pie?!?! D’Angelo will not be pleased… (Raising the brow)

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 15th, 2009
1:36 pm

M dot – Why would you let what is going on with your friend make you hold out on getting in a relationship?

That kind of attitude is no better than what some of you guys come on here talking about(especially Dan) when SOME women allow what their girlfriends say to interfere in their relationships.

AmazonRed™ - yay Pats, *sigh* Raiders

September 15th, 2009
1:37 pm

I have a friend whose husband got laid off the day they returned from their honeymoon. She was the one who always had the most hustle in their relationship. She bought the house, he moved in. She made close to 6 figures and had a seasonal job just to reach her financial goals faster.

It’s been very trying for her. He still hasn’t found work and she gets frustrated that he doesn’t do chores unless she asks or practically orders him to. She’s trying to temper herself, but it’s so hard. I feel for her.

Lioness-

September 15th, 2009
1:39 pm

M(DOT)- I may hold out on getting in a relationship even longer<– Because of HIS girlfriend's attitude??

Dan

September 15th, 2009
1:40 pm

@Kimmie

I agree with M(dot) in that watching the struggles of my friends has put me off some stuff (esp. with the “BMD”) that wakes me up at night.

What I speak of in letting your (single) friends give you advice in a relationship is when a man and/or a woman allows their friends opinion to affect the relationship.

“Girl, he cheatin’. Cause this one time my ex…..” and “Dude, ole girl from outta town you girl’ll never know…..”. <–isht like that thurr

Lioness-

September 15th, 2009
1:43 pm

ARed- That is EXACTLY what I was talking about earlier!! Dudes that are content with the bare minimal while I am out their makiing it happen.
Now there may come a time when your firned pops off @ her mouth cause she is frustrated with homie..

Raqi...Coexisting

September 15th, 2009
1:44 pm

Kimmie exactly. Unless he likes the same nationality of women, which is very different from the two Indian women I work with, why would what his friend is experiencing with a woman he is just dating affect his attitude about relationships.

He has to factor in every detail that he did and did not disclose to chance getting caught up in the same situation.

Kym-take my homework please!!

September 15th, 2009
1:44 pm

@AmazonR maybe he is depressed. Alot of folks are facing major depression issues with the current state of the economy. And with the winter blues approaching I expect it will only get worse.

Raqi...Coexisting

September 15th, 2009
1:45 pm

But Dan unless the woman is there giving her side along with thim, it is just Mdot’s friends opinion.

AmazonRed™ - yay Pats, *sigh* Raiders

September 15th, 2009
1:46 pm

Now there may come a time when your firned pops off @ her mouth cause she is frustrated with homie..

Lioness – She has. Not in public, but she has to ask him WTF when she comes home and he’s playing Guitar Hero with the trash stinking to high heaven. They’ve had some blow out fights.

But to be honest, she had this concern about him even BEFORE they got married. He wasn’t on top of his stuff then, so she really can’t be surprised. She didn’t expect him to get laid off tho and to still be laid off. Clearly, she’s being tested.

Melo

September 15th, 2009
1:46 pm

thanx all.
yeah, i think God intervened and that made her realize how wrong she was and that it takes one to support the other.

aggwitty

September 15th, 2009
1:48 pm

melo, did you quit your bank job before you had a new gig though?

AmazonRed™ - yay Pats, *sigh* Raiders

September 15th, 2009
1:48 pm

Are we still on page 1?!?

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 15th, 2009
1:48 pm

Melo – Wonderful, honest post.

With M dot’s friend, I think it may be a cultural thing too. I worked with an Indian young lady once that was truly outstanding in her job knowledge. She was in an arranged marriage, but she said her parents had given her the choice of whether or not to go thru with it. She did and loved her husband. She was pregnant. I think her hubby worked in IT at some major corporation, he was a brainiac as well. She was a financial wizard. But she said once that baby was born she was going to resign her position. She said in her culture the husband was supposed to take care of everything and that was clearly understood.

I remember I spoke on here once about a woman who called the Tom Joyner show. She said her fiance’ had lost his job and she almost immediately lost respect for him, even though he was doing everything he could to find another one. He had already gotten her a ring and the wedding was a few months away. She was pretty cold & selfish. If only her fiance could have heard her that morning, he could have dodged a bullet.

Raqi...Coexisting

September 15th, 2009
1:52 pm

aggwit I am glad you asked it. I wanted to be figured I better not.

Wings()

September 15th, 2009
1:52 pm

The problem with the roles of Star and Co-star is that there are too many bad actors…………..play your position, If you going to lead, lead with respect for your your bottom and if you are going to follow, follow with respect for your top.

One of my fave hip hop lines:
A baller aint a baller if he aint got balls !