What about your priorities?
This weekend, CSI-NY actor Hill Harper came into town for a couple of book signing events. His new book, entitled The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. I was unable to attend the events but our beloved Amazon Red is guest blogging for us today about the book:
Actor Hill Harper is a handsome, Ivy League educated, rich…and at 43, he’s never been married. I was driving into work one morning and listening to Hill give a radio interview regarding his book. He stated that he realized he was part of the problem — being a straight, single, eligible black man who has never married. Through his friendship with the Obamas (he went to Harvard law with the President), he’s seen them support and build each other up over the years and realized that a neither a man or a woman can reach their full potential without a good mate by their side.
So with that being said…Hill has resolved to be married in the next few years. But then the interviewer asked a good question to Hill: “Why haven’t you married after all this time?” His response: “Fear and options.” His fear kept him from going the distance and the extensive options of available women made him picky: “oh, her eyebrows are wrong” or “her front tooth is crooked.” By picking women apart, he
never had a chance to get close to one. Now after realizing that no one is perfect, he is in a better state of mind…one that will hopefully lead to marriage and a lasting relationship.
So to the blog: you’ve gotten to where you are, you have a career, maybe a marriage and some children under your belt and now you’re single in a city of Atlanta full of eligible singles. What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?
Great question, Amazon Red! I think it’s partly because we have our priorities in a different order than previous generations. What do you guys think? What are your priorities in your life right now? Where does a successful relationship fit in to them?
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185 comments Add your comment
Kym
September 14th, 2009
9:00 am
What are your priorities in your life right now?
My priorities are raising my son to be the best he he can be, fulling a life long dream, and providing a positive influence to friends and family, and being a good (less subversive) citizen(inside joke).
Where does a successful relationship fit in to them?
As you can see from above it doesn’t, finding “the” mate or “a” mate is not up for consideration at all.
What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?
I flat out don’t want to. I am selfish, I like me as I am—sugar, spice, nasty and nice given the day. I don’t want to have to adjust my program to suit someone else. I am having a hard time believing that I am incapable of reaching my full potential without the help or support of “a good man”.
Kym
September 14th, 2009
9:02 am
Wisey can you free my comments or am I going to have to retype
Dan
September 14th, 2009
9:12 am
There is some validity to his argument.
Both sexes are raised to think “ideal”(mate, job, life) and we each try to attain it every day. And there should come a point in one’s life when the fantasy diminishes and the reality takes hold.
A point where an adult realizes that the “ideal” may be unattainable. Not to suggest lowering standards, but maybe “accepting limitations”.
I think once one gets to that point, life is general is easier and the options in finding a mate becomes more about relating to the person as is than as we would want them to be.
Good morning
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:12 am
Morning all. Thanks for using the topic Wise.
Great question, Amazon Red! I think it’s partly because we have our priorities in a different order than previous generations.
Wise – I agree with this. But I wasn’t looking for answers on a whole, we beat that horse to death daily. I was looking for more individual reasons like Hill gave.
Kym
September 14th, 2009
9:18 am
@Amazon..I can relate to Hill’s answer and add that for me I am flat out selfish. I don’t wish to adjust or change my program to suit someone else. Or put it this way..unless that someone has shown and prove they are worth adjusting for. I have not found that yet. Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”
Wisey if you find my response to the questions please post.–Good Morning All.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:21 am
Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”
Thanks Kym. I was wondering what other bloggers would think about that part too.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:22 am
(ignore my 9:21 and read this one
)
Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”
Thanks Kym. I was wondering what other bloggers would think about that part too.
But we’ve been pairing off since Adam got Eve…you don’t think there is something to doing things as a team.
dasV
September 14th, 2009
9:22 am
Great synposis of the interview and recap on the book. Thanks Ared. Its refreshing to hear a man speak frankly as to his personal reasons for not marrying. I myself just realized that it scares me to death to ever get that close and inevitably dependent on anyone again.
Dan
September 14th, 2009
9:23 am
Reaching [your] full potential is a matter of personal responsibility.
No one should grant anyone that kind of power in life.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:29 am
No one should grant anyone that kind of power in life.
While I don’t disagree, I don’t think that is the point.
Talk to most any parent and they’ll tell you their focus was different once their child came into their life. Having someone depend on you will often push you to further limits that you ever thought you had. It may tap into a drive or desire that wasn’t there before.
Same with a mate, as each person is dependent on each other to a degree. I also wouldn’t discount the benefits of having a sounding board, a cheerleader and a worker bee once you have a GOOD mate that brings a whole nother perspective than what you could see on your own.
Two heads are supposed to be better than one, right?
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:32 am
Great synposis of the interview and recap on the book. Thanks Ared.
You are quite welcome. Glad to have you back on here.
ImAPeach404
September 14th, 2009
9:34 am
Good morning all
I know for me, I’ve adjusted my thinking from a checklist of what I’m looking for to what I’m not looking for. That’s probably what’s held me up. When I see something I’m not looking for – I move on. Simple as that.
Dan
September 14th, 2009
9:38 am
@ARed
I don’t disagree (”two heads”, “sounding board”), but my belief is that one should be personally actualized, if not fully, then at least on a path, prior to a long term relationship.
What I’ve seen in relationships that have failed (mine and others) is people asking their mate, and relationship, to define them implicitly. The idea that someone else is responsible – in any way – for another person’s personal growth astounds me.
In the same sense, two people that are aware of who they are when entering a relationship have far less problems because they’re able to tell their mate “I do (do not) do this because” and it’s that level of awareness that allows the people in the relationship to accept each other “as is”.
dasV
September 14th, 2009
9:46 am
@dan. That comes with age but what also comes with it is the fear factor bec you or your friends have blown the cover on “happily ever after”
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
9:46 am
Okay Dan. Again like I said not really the point of his statement, but I’m certainly over arguing with you.
Thanks for sharing tho.
Blow Me
September 14th, 2009
9:48 am
Good Morning…
Did anyone watch MTV awards last night?? Omgosh Kanye is a beeyatch!
On topic: What has kepted me out of a lasting relationship is not understand my role as woman and respecting a role as man. Not only that I wasted time with the wrong guys. I am truly coming into a sense of self. So with my latest findings…I am hoping for the best.
Kym
September 14th, 2009
9:52 am
I don’t think it is about power and after discussing with a friend she interpets Hill as it helps to have someone, not that the only way you can get there is with someone. I will grant that it helps. But not that it is the only way. Besides this takes us back full circle to the what is your full potential do you even know? I know I have no clue.
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
9:55 am
I think priorities and unrealistic expectations are two of the biggest reasons many are not finding that relationship they desire.
I have said before and I will say it again this morning, the needs within relationships these days are very low on most lists of priorities. Romantic relationships take the biggest hits now. And the expectations of perfection has clouded the judgment of many.
We ourselves are not perfect however many are measuring others by an unrealistic gauge of perfection.
Deeva4Life
September 14th, 2009
9:57 am
Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t see/read where the point was that you can “only” reach your full potential with a good mate…I took it to mean it would complement where you are and where you ultimately want to go. I think the horse of personal accountability, personal actualization, and any other word you want to add personal to, has been beat to death…WE GET IT!!! No, I don’t need a man for my own personal growth, but the love of a good (wo)man should contribute to my personal growth.
Kym
September 14th, 2009
10:01 am
Raising my son, working on my lifetime goals and dreams, being a good citizen and supporting my famliy and friends. <<<<My current priorities take a front row seat , while there maybe room for a relationship in there..it is not high on the list of things to do.
ImAPeach404
September 14th, 2009
10:09 am
You know, I think another “reason” men have in waiting until an “older” age to decide to marry is that they can! I mean… I think he felt comfortable in being ultra picky because men understand that when they are ready to marry, they can.
Hill, a most men have the luxury of saying “I want to be married in the next x months/years” and know that it will come true. Hell… when I was 26 I said “Ok, I’m ready for a serious relationships now!” I’m almost 33 and still waiting *sad face*
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
10:11 am
BlowMe that guy is a true classless b!tch. I mean really to steal someone else’s moment like that. Beyonce looked totally embarrassed when he did what he did.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
10:18 am
Three Words Daily – Write the vision.
Blow Me
September 14th, 2009
10:21 am
RAQI- She truly did. As if she wanted to run and crawl under a rock. He has definitely lost respect in my book.
IMAPEACH- Yes that is a perk to being a man. You can take yourself off the market at your convenience. But at the same time you do have to find your match…and even for them it’s not easy.
DEEVA- Exactly, I did not find any fault with the comment that was made. I think the right person in your life can definitely elevate you. lol. People love to down play the power and good aspects of a healthy loving relationship. It’s very powerful.
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
10:23 am
Peach I think one reason for that is it seems to be more acceptable by society and “others” (being friends, family, yada,yada,yada) for guys to marry what some may consider as “down”. And guys tend to have a wider age bracket of options that makes sense than what most women want and can tolerate. So yeah once they decide they want to marry it’s easier to find a taker for them.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
10:26 am
My priorities are raising my child and taking care of ME. My second priority is eliminating the BS of dating and the empty words associated with it. As a result, I may find myself experiencing life alone, but I’m so good with this knowledge. No one is perfect, we all get this. What seems to be a little out of wack is its getting increasingly harder to find in the realm of dating is finding two people wanting to work on a common priority – togetherness.
Although Kanye was wrong and Beyone was gracious and classy, Taylor Swift was just as wrong for not saying “thank you” to Beyonce when she finished her “moment.”
The Truth-Tired of having sand in my shoes
September 14th, 2009
10:28 am
Morning good people.
Ared, I step out for a sec and you start guest dj’ing? WTG. Forehead kiss to you.
On topic: My buddy is getting married today and I couldnt be happier for him. His wife is the standard in what a woman can be. She is a 10 across the board. As much as I’m against marriage I’d of slapped the ish out of him if he let that one get away. Some of the things we talked about are mind boggling. I love that chick. And how does that relate to the topic? Don’t know. LOL
I work daily with 500 people that for the most part are running from families and spouses so my slant may be biased. Therefore I’ll keep it to myself. I’ll just co sign what any of the guys are saying.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
10:28 am
Morning good people!
As to Kanye, Serena, Joe Wilson & most of his pals – folk just don’t know how to act anymore. Whatever happened to manners and respect?
On topic – I heard a few interviews with Hill. He’s a good brother. I’ve always been attracted to types like him & therein lied my problems with settling down. I would always meet men like him – great dudes on paper but could never seal the deal because they were never READY. They always put the relationship on the backburner and they thought they had to do that in order to reach their full potential. I’m not perfect by any means, but I always saw my role as a helpmate to them, while at the same time pursuing my passions also. I never tried to do anything to get in their way. But it seemed my mere presence was a distraction, at least that’s what they would tell me & then a year o r 2 later I would hear that they got married!
My current relationship is promising and my SO seems to welcome what I bring to his life. He manages to succeed in his career, raise his kids AND make our relationship a priority – multitask. Imagine that!
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
10:29 am
“What is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?”
I will take full responsibility in saying that in the past I have made bad choices or perhaps I have chosen the right person at the wrong time.
Oh and I don’t think you necessarily FIND a productive relationship. I would say that a productive relationship can be CREATED.
That’s all I’ve got.
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
10:30 am
I am not only a strong believer but also a living example that the right person can add an extra level of happiness and appreciation to a person’s life.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
10:35 am
Oh the Kanye of it all. That dude was just damn disrespectful. But I laughed when I heard about it (didn’t see it until later.) because it was Kanye up to his usual antics. At some point, he is going to say the wrong thing to/about the RIGHT person and will suffer the consequences and I will laugh again (because it will amuse me.)
As to Taylor Swift not saying thank you to Bee, the CHILD was most likely upset, embarassed, overwhelmed and had no idea that she was going to be called back onstage. I will gladly forgive HER that slight faux pas.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
10:38 am
I am not only a strong believer but also a living example that the right person can add an extra level of happiness and appreciation to a person’s life.
Raqi – I can relate to this immensely. And although I had drive before, it further makes me feel I can do anything because he has my back. I think he feels the same way. Thus debunking the mindset that a relationship gets in the way of achievement of goals. On the contrary, the right person can be an inspiration.
aggwitt
September 14th, 2009
10:42 am
Yeah I dont get these dudes who claim they cant have a good relationship and build wealth at the same time. Now the idea that you dont WANT to because you have options is understandable.
JG
September 14th, 2009
10:43 am
I do believe that it takes the right person to pull full potential from another. We are not made to be alone. It’s cool for awhile then you feel yourself needing something or someone to fill that void. May be a dog or drugs or an ex that you really know is no good but at least the void is filled. I’m 37 single, no kids, never been married and over the last few years realized that nothing is going to be perfect, there will be arguments but it boils down to how much does this person mean to me. I truly believe that The President would have not made it as far if it wasn’t for his wife. You can look at them and tell. That didn’t happen over night and she surely does not seem like a woman who will not say what’s on her mind. They found what works best and didn’t settle for anything less. At the same time made a commitment to make it work by sticking through whatever. I guess it’s boils down to finding someone who believes in your dreams and directions and you believe in theirs and you spend the rest of your live working with eachother to get there.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
10:45 am
@SexyC ~ no doubt she was nervous, but not too nervous/embarassed to be so cocky and say “ok, can we do this right now?” Even under those circumstances, common sense would be to say “thank you” because Bey Bey didn’t have to do that. I’m just saying, simple manners even when you’re “overwhelmed” should be expected.
Chink
September 14th, 2009
10:51 am
The relationship I am in is currently successful hopefully it stays that way. I think right now I am more committed to making it work than previous relationships. Not only that but he is a good catch and I think that feeling is mutual.
In the past I have been involved with guys who were not quite what I needed…and I knew there had to be more out there.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
10:52 am
Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t see/read where the point was that you can “only” reach your full potential with a good mate…I took it to mean it would complement where you are and where you ultimately want to go.
*sigh* Thank you Deeva.
Folks are clearly missing the point. Let’s keep things in contex too. With the Obama example, to you really think their relationship is one of co-dependency? Really? Do you think one couldn’t exist without the other?
But folks wanna preach rather than address the point.
Melo
September 14th, 2009
10:53 am
What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?
GUY REASONS:
divorce laws skewed against men=less men willing to give away all they wrked for=less desire to marry
collapse of the traditional marriage and rise of the womens lib=more/high divorce rate
higher education for fermales=more empowering to females=demand for power in the household set up=collapse of the tradional marriage
more power to females=less males willing to give that power up and assume a less powerful role in the set up
MORE females Available=MORE choices for men=MORE “DOGS” playing the field=more angst for females
The flip side is that of the more successful marriages i see or hear about in white and black set ups,they are mostly traditional.
It sems then that a lots of black females are drinking a lot of cool aid.
Pick ur posion ladies…..u want power or u want marriage..cant have both,it sems.
Hey Das
Merning folks!
Deeva4Life
September 14th, 2009
10:53 am
@ JG – Great post!!!
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
10:56 am
I work daily with 500 people that for the most part are running from families and spouses so my slant may be biased. Therefore I’ll keep it to myself.
Truth – Always glad you read you. You’re POV is extremely missed on here!
Lioness-
September 14th, 2009
11:00 am
Good Morning All
JG & Melo- Good Posts!
I think the real reason Hil Harper isn’t ready for a relationship with a woman is because he likes boys..
Kym
September 14th, 2009
11:00 am
Again I think the point is being missed. What is your full potential and how will you know you have not already reached it? Some to support you in your goals, keep you from being lonely, ok got it. But your full potential? What is that? It’s like that mythical level of success everyone has to have. Okay what level is that? I always think if I make it home at 5:30 success has been achieved. If my son makes it into adult hood with all his limbs intact, and my foot not having to be surgically removed from his bottom..Success! Same goes for full potential. What is it, will we know it when we see it?
Blow Me
September 14th, 2009
11:01 am
That was beautiful JG….Excellent. I would have to agree with that 100%
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
11:02 am
Regarding the VMAs. Of course Kanye was wack.
This chick on V103 had the NERVE to compare what Kanye did to what Martin, Malcom, Ghandi and Rosa Parks did.
Yeah, true leaders don’t carry around Hennessy bottles and pop off at the mouth just cause a VMA vote didn’t go their way. Damn clown.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
11:06 am
@SexyC ~ she may have been nervous. However, she wasn’t too nervous/embarassed to sarcastically say “can we start this right now.” No matter how flustered/nervous you are, no excuse for your manners to fly out the window. She should have automatically thanked Beyonce because she clearly did not need to give her back her “moment.” on stage. Kanye took it away from her, but Bey recognized what “the right thing to do” was and she did it.
On topic, “What is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?” ME!!! I’m almost finished with the work in progress on myself. Puzzle almost complete. Been working on me for a while and I am all the better for my introspection.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
11:06 am
I think the real reason Hil Harper isn’t ready for a relationship with a woman is because he likes boys..
*hollers*
That’s another thing that happens when you hit your 40s not married.
Lioness-
September 14th, 2009
11:11 am
Ared-
Who the He!! he thinks he’s fooling??
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
11:14 am
Amred – I heard that crazy woman on V103. Seems whatever someone does there will be someone around to make excuses for them or justify what they did.
Melo buddy can we not go down that “powerful women intimidate some men so they can’t have a successful relationship” road today? I getcha, but this topic is something different. We went down that other road a few weeks ago.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
11:14 am
Full potential???
Will any of us ever reach a point, alone or with someone, where we say, “I have done it all. There is no more left for me to do. I will go sit now.”?
Dan
September 14th, 2009
11:19 am
@SC
Of course not (11:14). For me, to stop trying to achieve something “better” is a life long pursuit, even if I never know what “better” is.
As for having someone to take that walk with you, that comes in different forms (friends, family, religion, etc.).
Melo
September 14th, 2009
11:19 am
Taylor swift not necessarily wrong..kid is 18 yrs old,give her a Big break!
Kanye=big Ego=no class
Serena=super competitive but huchifield, smetimes in her ways.(why i like Venus more)
Madonna=she wants to sleep with evrybody,what a big dissappointment she got with Michael.
On topic:
did Hill Harper say if he had a girlfriend?? i dint hear it and doubt if he does,even tho hes friends with Barack
hes a very lib guy and wldnt be surprised to hear hes on the down low..so what he says in his book may be suspect.Who has he dated that u know of(isnt he a public guy ,smwewhat?)
Melo
September 14th, 2009
11:22 am
Melo buddy can we not go down that “powerful women intimidate some men so they can’t have a successful relationship” road today?
Kimmie, i did not say nor am i implying that.
I am simply stating that men dont want lose what they got,not intimidated..they do date powerful females so the qstion of intimidation is not there..and i dint say it.
They just dont want to marry them for fear of losing what they got……
hope i clear that.
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
11:26 am
Lawd at the overthinking.
melo – I don’t think Hill Harper has a girlfriend. I think he used to be linked to Rae Dawn Chong. http://www.pajiba.com/images/4693038_tml.jpg
Deeva4Life
September 14th, 2009
11:27 am
@ Kym, you actually pose a good question. I guess full potential is subjective, as is one’s definition of success or defining what it means to be successful.
Blow Me
September 14th, 2009
11:27 am
MELO- Remember you were asking me about that book last week I was talking about “Getting To I do” You just summed the book up with you EXACT post. On the same lines of it. It just explains how you channel your power. Two roles in relationship..Either to be RESPECTED-MALE ENGERY or CHERISHED-Feminine engery.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
11:29 am
u want power or u want marriage..cant have both,it sems.
Melo – That’s the main theme I got from your post, but if you say different, okay.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
11:34 am
@Melo, that’s the only semi-understanding she gets from me. She’s only 19.
Melo
September 14th, 2009
11:36 am
Kimmmie..u went to the tail end summation But if u consider that an educated female is empoered and powerful then ull understand my post.
It dont mean that men dont date powerful females,they do….they like them,they find them sexxy, yada,yada,yada..=not necessarily intimidated.
Males dont necessarily, then go ahead and get married to them….for the reasons i explained in my ealier 10.53 post……
Intimidation has nothing to do with staying single it has a lot to do with the hangups of men or females either,i think.
It has a lot with the meaning of marriage to them and the WHAT IF…coupled with the plentiful of Fish to MEN,considering that every other male and female is going round and round and round……
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
11:44 am
I don’t think anyone in their right mind would say that have reached their full potential at anytime in life before they day.
The thing is none of us really know what that full potential is. I know I have no reached mine because I don’t know what else this life has in store for me. Our potentials are often brought to light when placed in certain situations and until faced with it you don’t what your full potentials are. Life is just too grand to limit yourself at anytime. But I do believe that this special someone in my life can not only help me to and thru what’s to come but can also explore the unknown that I may not attempt on my own.
Everyone that chooses to should desire that mate that will not hold you back but take the journey with you in reaching your greatest potentials.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
11:47 am
Melo – I get what you are saying. I never said that men didn’t date powerful women in my post. But what did you mean about black women drinking the koolaid?
You are right about the hangups though. My SO works at a law firm. There are a lot of single brothers there looking for nice women to date & marry. There are a lot of single women working there too. He asked the guys about dating some of the women there. They won’t have anything to do with those women or other lady lawyers. He said he was surprised at the guys attitudes, which was one of intimidation. He has no problem with powerful women – his late wife was powerful & education & so are the wives of a lot of his friends. They all seem to work together & build each other up. Both husband & wife are high-powered, but at the end of the day, to be around some of these couples, you see a lot of the traditional.
dasV
September 14th, 2009
11:48 am
Hey *melo*! Gettin used to thid new format. Havnt been on since the move. Can someone tell me what kanye did? I missed it.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
11:48 am
Well, dern, Leggs – I SAID she was a child.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
11:49 am
his late wife was powerful & education
Melo – Sorry, meant EDUCATED!
I didn’t sound very educated there, did I?LOL!!
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
11:50 am
Everyone that chooses to should desire that mate that will not hold you back but take the journey with you in reaching your greatest potentials.
Amen Raqi.
dasV
September 14th, 2009
11:50 am
Hey *melo*! Gettin used to thid new format. Havnt been on since the move.
Can someone tell me what kanye did? I missed it.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
11:55 am
@SexyC ~ I read what you typed. That’s why I said to Melo I semi-understand. She’s 19, not 11.
abc
September 14th, 2009
11:57 am
MTV awards are ridiculous anyway, and the controversy can’t help but boost interest in them, but Kanye acting out in arrogant and foolish manner is nothing new. Serena was just being a poor sport because she was getting beat, her poor sportsmanship is nothing new, either.
I consider that having an appropriate mate makes for a happier life, and so is beneficial to everything, but I can’t say that without one a person can’t reach their ‘full potential’. Full potential for what? It seems a pandering statement intended to publicize his book. No biggie.
Men don’t want to marry chick lawyers because they’re lawyers, not because of some notion of their being high-powered or intimidating. Lawyers like to argue, a chick lawyer is like a double whammy. I dated a lawyer, that chick would argue and fight about anything, and would never let it go until she considered that she’d won, and even then it wouldn’t go away. So I went away. That was a drama-filled 8 months.
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
11:58 am
I often see the powerful woman statements made and I wonder what do most consider to be powerful. Is it their money making potential? Their level of education? Their place in corporate America? What is it that makes a man or woman powerful to yall?
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
12:01 pm
You are right about the hangups though. My SO works at a law firm. There are a lot of single brothers there looking for nice women to date & marry
kimmie – I’ll be going with you and your boo to his office’s Christmas party.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
12:03 pm
However, I may adopt “dern” instead of “dang!”
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:05 pm
Raqi – I think when most folks speak of power, it is all the things you mentioned. It can mean a person’s level of influence over decisions that affect lives. Most would agree the President, the governor of a state, the mayor of a city are people in powerful positions of varying degrees.
But power & influence can also be had, but lots of money not necessarily go along with it. For example, a teacher or coach can have power and influence over their students, be pretty well educated, but not make a lot of money.
So power is variable and relative.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:08 pm
Amred- We’ll probably have to rent a van, cause some of my other friends want to go too!LOL!!
Kym
September 14th, 2009
12:10 pm
I guess it is my day to be deep..(always happens when I meditate first thing in the morning.) I think the keyword in that statement Raqi is chooses. We all have choices..especially when it comes to developing relationships. I can choose who, when, where and why. But as we have discussed before..when a person reaches a certain age the idea that they are not married, no children, leads others to think they are missing something. We rarely acknowledge and accept that the person has made a choice to live their best life, their way. There is no time limit, or set schedule. I told someone this morning when discussing this topic. Everything I did from birth until breakfast lead me to this particular place in time.I am grateful for the journey, but most importantly I am accepting of it. <<that is the key point we miss at times..Acceptance.
Melo
September 14th, 2009
12:11 pm
Kimmmie.kool aid comment.stems from my reading of this blog,the sentiments of females who say they want to be married reconciling that with what they are prepared/not prepared to put up with ,in a marriage set up.
From my observation,it is the very reson why most remain single coz they are not prepared to put up with what our mothers,for the most part did…re:traditional set up.
To be honest with u, i dont believe there are many males out there who are prepared to give up that power,esp on the black side…
What ur SO observes in his law firm is exactly my point..single females,educated and powerful in their corporate roles who may not want the traditional wife role.No wonder the guy lawyers dont date them,not out of intimidation but becoz they themselkves know that those females will want to extend their spehere of influncece to the home.
A lot of this power brokering is semanitcs and “our” own understanding of what marriage is…it doent meant the same to everybody.
Ceratainly for me, i know what i wld want my wife to be like in the home etc.Im a traditional guy..i know what power she wants to have and not have..Some here will find this unacceptable and i understand that.
That, in my opinion is the gyst of the problem why most males are not getting married….
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
12:13 pm
Leggs – I say “Dern!!” a lot…but my favorite is “Dern IT!!”
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
12:14 pm
I think the keyword in that statement Raqi is chooses
Chooses is the keyword.
Melo
September 14th, 2009
12:19 pm
Is it their money making potential? Their level of education? Their place in corporate America?
Raqi:
1 education=power..power to access money and to influence and to communicate and articulate ur needs,desires etc
2 money + education = more power
3 money + education + corporate responsibilities=even more power
how u channel or not channel that in the home set up so as to have a happy married lyfe(if u desire that) is the challenge of most.
i bet u,the reason why Oprah and Steadman are zero zero as far as marriage is becoz of N#3 and the desire not to want to relage that perceived power.
U wont hear her say/admit that publicly !
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:20 pm
To be honest with u, i dont believe there are many males out there who are prepared to give up that power. single females,educated and powerful in their corporate roles who may not want the traditional wife role.
Melo – I get what you’re saying all the way. I guess my problem with all that is that an assumption is made before even giving a person a chance. I told you in my post, my SO’s friends are also married to powerful women and my SO was married to one, but being around these couples and hearing about my SO’s marriage, things get pretty “traditional” once they come home. And isn’t that the “issue” about some powerful women – some guys claim they don’t know how to leave that job behind once they come home, “let” a man be a man, stay in their lane, etc?
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
12:20 pm
I think one of the things that have kept me from marriage is the whole “you’ll know when it’s right” mentality. I find conflicts in my relationships as a bad sign…even though I know relationships take work. It’s probably this romanticized notion of love and how it won’t be so hard when it’s right that holds me back. I’m so quick to dismiss anyone for the slightest infraction. I’m not willing to stick around and see if it ever gets better.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
12:23 pm
@SexyC, are you saying that you won’t get bothered easily and that you’re letting things “wash down your back” with you new moniker??
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:24 pm
Melo – Oh, and I have no problem with you admitting to being a tradional man. My father was very traditional. In a lot of ways, I am a very traditional woman. I would call myself a “modern traditional woman”! I actually see the good in the traditional AND the progress made by women in society. Both CAN be combined succesfully if one is openminded about it.
Kym
September 14th, 2009
12:28 pm
Speaking of traditional roles.. I don’t know if any of you read the article or visited the discussion on ajc.com about the current He-cession. Currently with unemployment numbers there are more men out of work than women. Key points in the article are that men lost jobs in areas that are primarily domminated by men, but also men are slower to go out and seek retraining. So the traditional roles are being reverse. She works, he drives the kids to appointments.
Leggs
September 14th, 2009
12:35 pm
That was one of the problems in my marriage, I was traditional and he wasn’t! Once I recognized this, I recognized why the problems occurred. Didn’t make things any easier, but knowledge is strength!
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
12:36 pm
Everybody has to do what is right for them in terms of tradition and nontraditional relationships. My only thing is you cannot take away a person’s voice and/or stance in one area yet expect it to be present in others.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
12:36 pm
Leggs, – That is the idea. It is definitely my mindset today and the state that I TRY to remain in at all times.
A ‘friend’ called me that and when he said it, I liked it.
W8©
September 14th, 2009
12:37 pm
I think that a person reaches their full potential when they have a mate who pushes, encourages, has expectations and supports them when the other is challenged…along with the shared love between the two of them….
Where was it written “…man should not be alone..” that’s a 2 fold statement…..also in the same book it reads “…it’s better to be alone on the corner of a roof than with a quarrelsome woman..” that’s another statement within itself….
“when it’s cold outside….whoooooo are you holdingggggggggggggggg…….”
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:38 pm
Amred – I can respect your viewpoint about the “you’ll know when it’s right” and sticking around to work past issues. Speaking for myself, when I think back on the things I tried to stay and work thru – I don’t see those things as much of a learning experience as I do time wasted. Yeah, I learned not to waste my time on certain things, but that’s ALL I learned. I now quickly recognize the BS stuff that are more RED FLAGS than anything and not worth working thru, versus things that compromise, commmunication and compassion could solve. Those are the things you won’t mind working thru with the right person.
W8©
September 14th, 2009
12:39 pm
@Sexycool being water…that’s deep and very mission oriented..I know what being water means
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
12:42 pm
Co-signing Kimmie @ 1238p.
You got to know when to hold ‘em….
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
12:43 pm
W8 – I’m gonna need u to wake up and get on the blog earlier when I have the [blog] mike!
Where is the rest of your crew? Dang slackers.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
September 14th, 2009
12:44 pm
Kym – I have not read that article, but I am going to. See that’s the thing – in this world today there is really no room for inflexibility. Everybody has got to be able to play their part and step up when necessary. Pride & tradition do not pay the bills.
SexyCool - I am water.
September 14th, 2009
12:45 pm
Some people/situations make being water extremely challenging. I do not always succeed.
But at least, I know how to return to that place.
Raqi
September 14th, 2009
12:52 pm
The traditional roles in a relationship extent way beyond who does the cooking and who mows the lawn.
W8©
September 14th, 2009
1:14 pm
@Ared- Nice Blog today..I dont know where they are..they got together this weekend I was off doing my own thing all weekend
Angie
September 14th, 2009
1:14 pm
**By picking women apart, he never had a chance to get close to one**
this is why i’m single now. too darn picky! *sigh*
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
1:16 pm
I was off doing my own thing all weekend
W8 – Is that allowed?!
Thanks for the shout out.
Grace
September 14th, 2009
1:21 pm
Hello Everybody!
JG I agree!
Angie
September 14th, 2009
1:26 pm
i find that i’m at my best when i have a mate by my side. i’m more focused and find myself successful at everything i touch. it’s gotta be the support and love that drives me.
when single, finding a partner gets pushed up on the to-do list. this hasn’t been an option of mine. its become as natural as breathing.
W8©
September 14th, 2009
1:27 pm
@Ared- using the term “allowed” would mean that someone has some sort of authority over me…I am the boss of me…lmao..
AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!
September 14th, 2009
1:30 pm
I am the boss of me…lmao..