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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

What about your priorities?

This weekend, CSI-NY actor Hill Harper came into town for a couple of book signing events. His new book, entitled The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships. I was unable to attend the events but our beloved Amazon Red is guest blogging for us today about the book:

Actor Hill Harper is a handsome, Ivy League educated, rich…and at 43, he’s never been married. I was driving into work one morning and listening to Hill give a radio interview regarding his book. He stated that he realized he was part of the problem — being a straight, single, eligible black man who has never married. Through his friendship with the Obamas (he went to Harvard law with the President), he’s seen them support and build each other up over the years and realized that a neither a man or a woman can reach their full potential without a good mate by their side.

So with that being said…Hill has resolved to be married in the next few years. But then the interviewer asked a good question to Hill: “Why haven’t you married after all this time?” His response: “Fear and options.” His fear kept him from going the distance and the extensive options of available women made him picky: “oh, her eyebrows are wrong” or “her front tooth is crooked.” By picking women apart, he
never had a chance to get close to one. Now after realizing that no one is perfect, he is in a better state of mind…one that will hopefully lead to marriage and a lasting relationship.

So to the blog: you’ve gotten to where you are, you have a career, maybe a marriage and some children under your belt and now you’re single in a city of Atlanta full of eligible singles. What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?

Great question, Amazon Red! I think it’s partly because we have our priorities in a different order than previous generations. What do you guys think? What are your priorities in your life right now? Where does a successful relationship fit in to them?

185 comments Add your comment

Kym

September 14th, 2009
9:00 am

What are your priorities in your life right now?

My priorities are raising my son to be the best he he can be, fulling a life long dream, and providing a positive influence to friends and family, and being a good (less subversive) citizen(inside joke).

Where does a successful relationship fit in to them?

As you can see from above it doesn’t, finding “the” mate or “a” mate is not up for consideration at all.

What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?

I flat out don’t want to. I am selfish, I like me as I am—sugar, spice, nasty and nice given the day. I don’t want to have to adjust my program to suit someone else. I am having a hard time believing that I am incapable of reaching my full potential without the help or support of “a good man”.

Kym

September 14th, 2009
9:02 am

Wisey can you free my comments or am I going to have to retype

Dan

September 14th, 2009
9:12 am

There is some validity to his argument.

Both sexes are raised to think “ideal”(mate, job, life) and we each try to attain it every day. And there should come a point in one’s life when the fantasy diminishes and the reality takes hold.

A point where an adult realizes that the “ideal” may be unattainable. Not to suggest lowering standards, but maybe “accepting limitations”.

I think once one gets to that point, life is general is easier and the options in finding a mate becomes more about relating to the person as is than as we would want them to be.

Good morning

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:12 am

Morning all. Thanks for using the topic Wise.

Great question, Amazon Red! I think it’s partly because we have our priorities in a different order than previous generations.

Wise – I agree with this. But I wasn’t looking for answers on a whole, we beat that horse to death daily. I was looking for more individual reasons like Hill gave.

Kym

September 14th, 2009
9:18 am

@Amazon..I can relate to Hill’s answer and add that for me I am flat out selfish. I don’t wish to adjust or change my program to suit someone else. Or put it this way..unless that someone has shown and prove they are worth adjusting for. I have not found that yet. Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”

Wisey if you find my response to the questions please post.–Good Morning All.

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:21 am

Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”

Thanks Kym. I was wondering what other bloggers would think about that part too.

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:22 am

(ignore my 9:21 and read this one :lol: )

Oh and I can’t buy into the whole you will reach your full potential once you find a “good mate.”

Thanks Kym. I was wondering what other bloggers would think about that part too.

But we’ve been pairing off since Adam got Eve…you don’t think there is something to doing things as a team.

dasV

September 14th, 2009
9:22 am

Great synposis of the interview and recap on the book. Thanks Ared. Its refreshing to hear a man speak frankly as to his personal reasons for not marrying. I myself just realized that it scares me to death to ever get that close and inevitably dependent on anyone again.

Dan

September 14th, 2009
9:23 am

Reaching [your] full potential is a matter of personal responsibility.

No one should grant anyone that kind of power in life.

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:29 am

No one should grant anyone that kind of power in life.

While I don’t disagree, I don’t think that is the point.

Talk to most any parent and they’ll tell you their focus was different once their child came into their life. Having someone depend on you will often push you to further limits that you ever thought you had. It may tap into a drive or desire that wasn’t there before.

Same with a mate, as each person is dependent on each other to a degree. I also wouldn’t discount the benefits of having a sounding board, a cheerleader and a worker bee once you have a GOOD mate that brings a whole nother perspective than what you could see on your own.

Two heads are supposed to be better than one, right?

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:32 am

Great synposis of the interview and recap on the book. Thanks Ared.

You are quite welcome. Glad to have you back on here.

ImAPeach404

September 14th, 2009
9:34 am

Good morning all

I know for me, I’ve adjusted my thinking from a checklist of what I’m looking for to what I’m not looking for. That’s probably what’s held me up. When I see something I’m not looking for – I move on. Simple as that.

Dan

September 14th, 2009
9:38 am

@ARed

I don’t disagree (”two heads”, “sounding board”), but my belief is that one should be personally actualized, if not fully, then at least on a path, prior to a long term relationship.

What I’ve seen in relationships that have failed (mine and others) is people asking their mate, and relationship, to define them implicitly. The idea that someone else is responsible – in any way – for another person’s personal growth astounds me.

In the same sense, two people that are aware of who they are when entering a relationship have far less problems because they’re able to tell their mate “I do (do not) do this because” and it’s that level of awareness that allows the people in the relationship to accept each other “as is”.

dasV

September 14th, 2009
9:46 am

@dan. That comes with age but what also comes with it is the fear factor bec you or your friends have blown the cover on “happily ever after”

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
9:46 am

Okay Dan. Again like I said not really the point of his statement, but I’m certainly over arguing with you.

Thanks for sharing tho.

Blow Me

September 14th, 2009
9:48 am

Good Morning…

Did anyone watch MTV awards last night?? Omgosh Kanye is a beeyatch!

On topic: What has kepted me out of a lasting relationship is not understand my role as woman and respecting a role as man. Not only that I wasted time with the wrong guys. I am truly coming into a sense of self. So with my latest findings…I am hoping for the best.

Kym

September 14th, 2009
9:52 am

I don’t think it is about power and after discussing with a friend she interpets Hill as it helps to have someone, not that the only way you can get there is with someone. I will grant that it helps. But not that it is the only way. Besides this takes us back full circle to the what is your full potential do you even know? I know I have no clue.

Raqi

September 14th, 2009
9:55 am

I think priorities and unrealistic expectations are two of the biggest reasons many are not finding that relationship they desire.

I have said before and I will say it again this morning, the needs within relationships these days are very low on most lists of priorities. Romantic relationships take the biggest hits now. And the expectations of perfection has clouded the judgment of many.

We ourselves are not perfect however many are measuring others by an unrealistic gauge of perfection.

Deeva4Life

September 14th, 2009
9:57 am

Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t see/read where the point was that you can “only” reach your full potential with a good mate…I took it to mean it would complement where you are and where you ultimately want to go. I think the horse of personal accountability, personal actualization, and any other word you want to add personal to, has been beat to death…WE GET IT!!! No, I don’t need a man for my own personal growth, but the love of a good (wo)man should contribute to my personal growth.

Kym

September 14th, 2009
10:01 am

Raising my son, working on my lifetime goals and dreams, being a good citizen and supporting my famliy and friends. <<<<My current priorities take a front row seat , while there maybe room for a relationship in there..it is not high on the list of things to do.

ImAPeach404

September 14th, 2009
10:09 am

You know, I think another “reason” men have in waiting until an “older” age to decide to marry is that they can! I mean… I think he felt comfortable in being ultra picky because men understand that when they are ready to marry, they can.

Hill, a most men have the luxury of saying “I want to be married in the next x months/years” and know that it will come true. Hell… when I was 26 I said “Ok, I’m ready for a serious relationships now!” I’m almost 33 and still waiting *sad face*

Raqi

September 14th, 2009
10:11 am

BlowMe that guy is a true classless b!tch. I mean really to steal someone else’s moment like that. Beyonce looked totally embarrassed when he did what he did.

SexyCool - I am water.

September 14th, 2009
10:18 am

Three Words Daily – Write the vision.

Blow Me

September 14th, 2009
10:21 am

RAQI- She truly did. As if she wanted to run and crawl under a rock. He has definitely lost respect in my book.

IMAPEACH- Yes that is a perk to being a man. You can take yourself off the market at your convenience. But at the same time you do have to find your match…and even for them it’s not easy.

DEEVA- Exactly, I did not find any fault with the comment that was made. I think the right person in your life can definitely elevate you. lol. People love to down play the power and good aspects of a healthy loving relationship. It’s very powerful.

Raqi

September 14th, 2009
10:23 am

Peach I think one reason for that is it seems to be more acceptable by society and “others” (being friends, family, yada,yada,yada) for guys to marry what some may consider as “down”. And guys tend to have a wider age bracket of options that makes sense than what most women want and can tolerate. So yeah once they decide they want to marry it’s easier to find a taker for them.

Leggs

September 14th, 2009
10:26 am

My priorities are raising my child and taking care of ME. My second priority is eliminating the BS of dating and the empty words associated with it. As a result, I may find myself experiencing life alone, but I’m so good with this knowledge. No one is perfect, we all get this. What seems to be a little out of wack is its getting increasingly harder to find in the realm of dating is finding two people wanting to work on a common priority – togetherness.

Although Kanye was wrong and Beyone was gracious and classy, Taylor Swift was just as wrong for not saying “thank you” to Beyonce when she finished her “moment.”

The Truth-Tired of having sand in my shoes

September 14th, 2009
10:28 am

Morning good people.

Ared, I step out for a sec and you start guest dj’ing? WTG. Forehead kiss to you.

On topic: My buddy is getting married today and I couldnt be happier for him. His wife is the standard in what a woman can be. She is a 10 across the board. As much as I’m against marriage I’d of slapped the ish out of him if he let that one get away. Some of the things we talked about are mind boggling. I love that chick. And how does that relate to the topic? Don’t know. LOL

I work daily with 500 people that for the most part are running from families and spouses so my slant may be biased. Therefore I’ll keep it to myself. I’ll just co sign what any of the guys are saying.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 14th, 2009
10:28 am

Morning good people!

As to Kanye, Serena, Joe Wilson & most of his pals – folk just don’t know how to act anymore. Whatever happened to manners and respect?

On topic – I heard a few interviews with Hill. He’s a good brother. I’ve always been attracted to types like him & therein lied my problems with settling down. I would always meet men like him – great dudes on paper but could never seal the deal because they were never READY. They always put the relationship on the backburner and they thought they had to do that in order to reach their full potential. I’m not perfect by any means, but I always saw my role as a helpmate to them, while at the same time pursuing my passions also. I never tried to do anything to get in their way. But it seemed my mere presence was a distraction, at least that’s what they would tell me & then a year o r 2 later I would hear that they got married!

My current relationship is promising and my SO seems to welcome what I bring to his life. He manages to succeed in his career, raise his kids AND make our relationship a priority – multitask. Imagine that!

SexyCool - I am water.

September 14th, 2009
10:29 am

“What is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?”

I will take full responsibility in saying that in the past I have made bad choices or perhaps I have chosen the right person at the wrong time.

Oh and I don’t think you necessarily FIND a productive relationship. I would say that a productive relationship can be CREATED.

That’s all I’ve got.

Raqi

September 14th, 2009
10:30 am

I am not only a strong believer but also a living example that the right person can add an extra level of happiness and appreciation to a person’s life.

SexyCool - I am water.

September 14th, 2009
10:35 am

Oh the Kanye of it all. That dude was just damn disrespectful. But I laughed when I heard about it (didn’t see it until later.) because it was Kanye up to his usual antics. At some point, he is going to say the wrong thing to/about the RIGHT person and will suffer the consequences and I will laugh again (because it will amuse me.)

As to Taylor Swift not saying thank you to Bee, the CHILD was most likely upset, embarassed, overwhelmed and had no idea that she was going to be called back onstage. I will gladly forgive HER that slight faux pas.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 14th, 2009
10:38 am

I am not only a strong believer but also a living example that the right person can add an extra level of happiness and appreciation to a person’s life.

Raqi – I can relate to this immensely. And although I had drive before, it further makes me feel I can do anything because he has my back. I think he feels the same way. Thus debunking the mindset that a relationship gets in the way of achievement of goals. On the contrary, the right person can be an inspiration.

aggwitt

September 14th, 2009
10:42 am

Yeah I dont get these dudes who claim they cant have a good relationship and build wealth at the same time. Now the idea that you dont WANT to because you have options is understandable.

JG

September 14th, 2009
10:43 am

I do believe that it takes the right person to pull full potential from another. We are not made to be alone. It’s cool for awhile then you feel yourself needing something or someone to fill that void. May be a dog or drugs or an ex that you really know is no good but at least the void is filled. I’m 37 single, no kids, never been married and over the last few years realized that nothing is going to be perfect, there will be arguments but it boils down to how much does this person mean to me. I truly believe that The President would have not made it as far if it wasn’t for his wife. You can look at them and tell. That didn’t happen over night and she surely does not seem like a woman who will not say what’s on her mind. They found what works best and didn’t settle for anything less. At the same time made a commitment to make it work by sticking through whatever. I guess it’s boils down to finding someone who believes in your dreams and directions and you believe in theirs and you spend the rest of your live working with eachother to get there.

Leggs

September 14th, 2009
10:45 am

@SexyC ~ no doubt she was nervous, but not too nervous/embarassed to be so cocky and say “ok, can we do this right now?” Even under those circumstances, common sense would be to say “thank you” because Bey Bey didn’t have to do that. I’m just saying, simple manners even when you’re “overwhelmed” should be expected.

Chink

September 14th, 2009
10:51 am

The relationship I am in is currently successful hopefully it stays that way. I think right now I am more committed to making it work than previous relationships. Not only that but he is a good catch and I think that feeling is mutual.

In the past I have been involved with guys who were not quite what I needed…and I knew there had to be more out there.

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
10:52 am

Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t see/read where the point was that you can “only” reach your full potential with a good mate…I took it to mean it would complement where you are and where you ultimately want to go.

*sigh* Thank you Deeva.

Folks are clearly missing the point. Let’s keep things in contex too. With the Obama example, to you really think their relationship is one of co-dependency? Really? Do you think one couldn’t exist without the other?

But folks wanna preach rather than address the point. :lol:

Melo

September 14th, 2009
10:53 am

What is is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?

GUY REASONS:

divorce laws skewed against men=less men willing to give away all they wrked for=less desire to marry

collapse of the traditional marriage and rise of the womens lib=more/high divorce rate

higher education for fermales=more empowering to females=demand for power in the household set up=collapse of the tradional marriage

more power to females=less males willing to give that power up and assume a less powerful role in the set up

MORE females Available=MORE choices for men=MORE “DOGS” playing the field=more angst for females

The flip side is that of the more successful marriages i see or hear about in white and black set ups,they are mostly traditional.

It sems then that a lots of black females are drinking a lot of cool aid.

Pick ur posion ladies…..u want power or u want marriage..cant have both,it sems.

Hey Das

Merning folks!

Deeva4Life

September 14th, 2009
10:53 am

@ JG – Great post!!!

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
10:56 am

I work daily with 500 people that for the most part are running from families and spouses so my slant may be biased. Therefore I’ll keep it to myself.

:lol:

Truth – Always glad you read you. You’re POV is extremely missed on here!

Lioness-

September 14th, 2009
11:00 am

Good Morning All
JG & Melo- Good Posts!

I think the real reason Hil Harper isn’t ready for a relationship with a woman is because he likes boys.. :???:

Kym

September 14th, 2009
11:00 am

Again I think the point is being missed. What is your full potential and how will you know you have not already reached it? Some to support you in your goals, keep you from being lonely, ok got it. But your full potential? What is that? It’s like that mythical level of success everyone has to have. Okay what level is that? I always think if I make it home at 5:30 success has been achieved. If my son makes it into adult hood with all his limbs intact, and my foot not having to be surgically removed from his bottom..Success! Same goes for full potential. What is it, will we know it when we see it?

Blow Me

September 14th, 2009
11:01 am

That was beautiful JG….Excellent. I would have to agree with that 100%

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
11:02 am

Regarding the VMAs. Of course Kanye was wack.

This chick on V103 had the NERVE to compare what Kanye did to what Martin, Malcom, Ghandi and Rosa Parks did.

Yeah, true leaders don’t carry around Hennessy bottles and pop off at the mouth just cause a VMA vote didn’t go their way. Damn clown. :???:

Leggs

September 14th, 2009
11:06 am

@SexyC ~ she may have been nervous. However, she wasn’t too nervous/embarassed to sarcastically say “can we start this right now.” No matter how flustered/nervous you are, no excuse for your manners to fly out the window. She should have automatically thanked Beyonce because she clearly did not need to give her back her “moment.” on stage. Kanye took it away from her, but Bey recognized what “the right thing to do” was and she did it.

On topic, “What is keeping you from finding a productive relationship and settling down?” ME!!! I’m almost finished with the work in progress on myself. Puzzle almost complete. Been working on me for a while and I am all the better for my introspection.

AmazonRed™ - Go Whitney!

September 14th, 2009
11:06 am

I think the real reason Hil Harper isn’t ready for a relationship with a woman is because he likes boys..

*hollers* :lol: :lol: :lol:

That’s another thing that happens when you hit your 40s not married. :lol:

Lioness-

September 14th, 2009
11:11 am

Ared- ;) Who the He!! he thinks he’s fooling??

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 14th, 2009
11:14 am

Amred – I heard that crazy woman on V103. Seems whatever someone does there will be someone around to make excuses for them or justify what they did.

Melo buddy can we not go down that “powerful women intimidate some men so they can’t have a successful relationship” road today? I getcha, but this topic is something different. We went down that other road a few weeks ago.

SexyCool - I am water.

September 14th, 2009
11:14 am

Full potential???

Will any of us ever reach a point, alone or with someone, where we say, “I have done it all. There is no more left for me to do. I will go sit now.”?

Dan

September 14th, 2009
11:19 am

@SC

Of course not (11:14). For me, to stop trying to achieve something “better” is a life long pursuit, even if I never know what “better” is.

As for having someone to take that walk with you, that comes in different forms (friends, family, religion, etc.).