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Jealous Much?

Yesterday we talked about how to draw the line on flirting and being too tempted. Today, I wanted to touch on how to handle being with someone who is extremely insecure. I’ve had a jealous boyfriend before and it’s not always an easy feat to reassure someone that you are just friendly and flirty by nature. What do you think about asking a person to change that part of their personality so that you can feel more secure about the relationship?

There is only so much jealousy a person can handle. Have you dated someone who was jealous? What were the signs that they were that way? Is there a way to spot this red flag before you are in a relationship with someone?

Have you ever struggled with jealous and insecurity personally? How did it impact your dating or your relationships? What can one do to let the jealousy and insecurity go?

746 comments Add your comment

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:19 am

Raqi summed it up in her 11:16 before I could!

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:20 am

Sexy- (in recognition of this past weekend’s Pride activities…LOL) :lol: :lol: :lol: Heard Lenox Mall was off the HOOK :???:

Raqi- I AGREE!! There are a TON of chicks that LOVE to date unavailable men.. Turns my tummy

abc

September 9th, 2009
11:20 am

In my experience, if you feel little or no jealousy at all, you probably don’t care that much about the other person. It’s a matter of degree. If you care about them, there’s going to be a line that you won’t allow crossing. For some it’s “friendly and flirty”. For others, it’d have to be carrying on affairs.

I’ve felt no jealousy in past relationships, and I attribute it to not caring that much — maybe I didn’t care enough. I would be a lot more jealous now, but I have a very large amount of trust in her. Trust is a critical ingredient for temperance of jealousy.

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
11:21 am

Perhaps this back and forth is all one big misunderstanding…

Example – I told this guy that I was in a relationship. After knowing this – he sent me a text early one morning that said “Good Morning Beautiful” – that was disrespectful and I let him know that. I shut that down on impact and my guy never even knew about it. To ignore it would be to let dude know that was OK and I’m sure he would have done it again…unacceptable if you ask me.

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
11:21 am

@Dan, ok, let’s agree to disagree. What’s sad is you’re more concern about her reaction, hell, what about yours???? Again, you’re wrong, because although you want to look at this as being one dimensional, best believe it’s not!

@Melo, I know!!!

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:25 am

Jealousy- the opposite side of the Pride coin.

But hey, y’all rock wit it!

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
11:25 am

Tazzee your 11:21, EXACTLY.

Cemeeli

September 9th, 2009
11:26 am

…”if you feel little or no jealousy at all, you probably don’t care that much about the other person. It’s a matter of degree.”

Ok!

@ abc – still the same. lol …waving

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:29 am

Ill tell u this ladies,if u check a guy about some lady that hes flirting with or vice versa and he says ‘naw,u insecure”,hes running game.

U dont douse a potential problem by attacking the other person or highlight perceived “insecurities”. That is a classic playa tactic,to make her look vulnerable and weak.
U explain the situation to her satisfaction,wrong or right….

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
11:30 am

Dan how about we try it this way:

Example 1 you are at a dance or club or whateva, and you are dancing with your lady and a guy comes up behind her and grabs her bottom..she screams..Your reaction?

Example 2..Same club or dance..guy comes up behind your woman whispers something in her ear and she giggles..Your reaction?

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:31 am

Melo- I AGREE!!!

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:32 am

“Good Morning Beautiful”

thats what we guys do Tazzee,we press a lil harder,just in case she fronting but she want some.

But u right,in that case,its on u to put out the “not welcome” sign.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:33 am

Ill tell u this ladies,if u check a guy about some lady that hes flirting with or vice versa and he says ‘naw,u insecure”,hes running game.

melo – Agreed. Just another Jedi Mind trick.

Any guy who brings up the insecure word in my presence is gonna get the side eye. I’m not emotionally needed or a cling bot, so he’ll have a lot of rope to begin with.

Hooksykid

September 9th, 2009
11:33 am

A women will justify checking another women for how she interprets another womens intentions in regards to her man. However, some women feel that men are just being jealous and crazy. In most cases we are simply trying to get them to realize that we are not trying to subdue their personalities, but to let you know that if the shoe was on the other foot you would probably trip. I have found out that the women who say that they wouldn’t get jealous or trip out if the roles of flirting were reversed are the one’s that have men smart enough to know that they would. The men are just protecting their feelings, by not flirting, because they do care enough about their women not to subject them to things they know they really can’t handle. In closing, instead of looking at your man like he is crazy why not learn some humility. If he means something to you ask him what makes him that way and really listen. Look at yourself objectively and figure out if there is any truth to it. Dont be the one that loses something good becasue you can’t make compromises with yourself for the greater good

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
11:33 am

Kym

Example 1 – he’s getting his skull cracked
Example 2 – she’s getting her skulk cracked

:lol:

But I think the back and forth is more about if, in Example 2, she doesn’t giggle. I still think she should do something in that instance. If a chick whispered in my guy’s ear and it’s apparent we are together, Imma need him to do something to let her know that act was unacceptable.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:34 am

@Kym

Example 1 (answer): right cross to the left eye, followed by left jab, followed by right uppercut to start;

Example 2 (answer): to remove myself and let them talk to start, and then, potentially, to let her get a ride home from ole dude.

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
11:37 am

ARed If we’re out and about and it gets ugly or my man just wants to flex his I’m your man muscles, I’m flattered and glad to have him there but ultimately if you’re the receiver of said advances, who can make them go away better than you? Additionally, you’re talking the scenario of advances happening in the presence of the both of you….more often than not, it’s not going to go down like that all the time. Frankly, I have yet to have someone be overtly flirtatious in the presence of my SO. I’ve had eyes thrown my way, looks, sly nods, hand waves over the are…all while they’re with their SO and I simply look away, making it clear that I’m not with that.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:37 am

Example 1 – he’s getting his skull cracked
Example 2 – she’s getting her skull cracked

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Tazzee’s got a little fire in her!

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:39 am

who can make them go away better than you?

Ms Main…honestly I think it depends. Some times my man will say it better than I ever could.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
11:39 am

right cross to the left eye, followed by left jab, followed by right uppercut to start;

Dan would that be because he put his in hand in your plate of fries? LOL

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:40 am

@Ms. Main

Is that responsibility for your (re)actions I read there?

The crowd goes wild!!!! {applause}

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 9th, 2009
11:41 am

I agree with abc on this issue. The times I feel no jealousy when lady gets hit on tells me I am not feeling what I should be feeling. On the other hand, wild jealousy and inventing problems/scenarios is something else entirely. As abc and I said earlier, it is all in the degree. Some jealousy is self protection. It is what it is.

I remember the lines of a song that said:

“I see the way men look at you when they think I don’t see,
and it hurts to have them think that you’re that kind,
but its knowing that you’re looking back that’s really killing me
Woman, Woman, have you got cheating on your mind, on your mind?”

Insecure, maybe sometimes.

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
11:41 am

I gave those examples because I witnessed both at a club in Vegas. Dude in 1 got tossed out the club..Ladies boyfriend did defend her honor. Dude in 2 looked at his girl or date like “Who was that and she just shrugged her shoulders and kept dancing.” Dude was looking at her like WTH?? Not sure what happen with that.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:42 am

@Raqi

Nope, her reaction. Any unwanted physical touch to a female is not something I stand for, least of all in my presence. With me or not.

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
11:43 am

Dan I think it just depends. If it gets ugly and out of hand, then yeah, thank God my SO is there. For subtle, just checking to see how you roll kinds of advances can be easily squashed.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 9th, 2009
11:43 am

@ Hooksykid

Good post.

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
11:44 am

@Raqi, I thought the same thing, because he “touched” her he responded. Example 2 she’s fending for herself cuz she giggled. Different degrees of disrespect. She didn’t do anything to warrant the first one, and the fact that she liked the second one has him thinking, chick just laughed in my face. I’m bouncing!

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
11:46 am

I ain’t touching the “getting touched” issue….we all know that a major foul. Whatever goes down from that is probably deserved. Whether he checked or she giggled and got checked.

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:46 am

Raqi & Leggs- That is what it reads like to me.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:46 am

@Raqi, I thought the same thing, because he “touched” her he responded.

A guy tried to touch me one night when the guy and I took some of his friends from out of town out to a club. He saw the guy grab for me before I even saw it. He almost got his azz tossed out the way he jumped up on dude.

Definitely an issue of respect over jealousy.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:47 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: @ plate of fries.

Blue_Kolla

September 9th, 2009
11:49 am

Kym, Lioness I keeps it plain and simple; and that and more valuable info can be found in my book.

Kym, those were some helluva examples. I agree with Tazzee on the verdicts, but only on the punishment for Example #1. But since Blue don’t get physical with chicks, there will be no “crackin’” some broads head… but she will be hit with the mental beatdown – meanin’, I’m gon’ keep gettin’ the booty and other favors, while not telling her that the position of “Main” is now open to new applicants.

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:49 am

Nothing is funny when a man touches a woman in a disrespectful manner.. I don’t even like my man or anyone I am dating to put their hand on or in my azz while we are out!..

Dan- If the chick slapped the dude instead of giggled, what would you have done then?

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
11:52 am

Probably high fived her. (J/K).

Taliq

September 9th, 2009
11:54 am

I googled “controll issues in relationships” on google news and found this thread …

I am the jealous type, the type that hacks into email accounts etc. When I do hack into an account though, you’d be amazed what one finds. Such as wow the eve of my bday night when she came back in the morning and said she just slipped out to the pharmacy she’d actually left hours earlier whilst I was asleep and chose to go get it on at some dude’s hotel room.

Where there’s smoke there’s probably fire. Does it mean it’s cool to hack into other peoples account etc, hell nah. Cuz trust me when u go looking for dirt and you find it, you only feel worse.

I think most hit the nail on the head by saying you can’t CONTROL others, free will sucks yo. I guess what I’m trying to say with all this rambling is that sometimes jealousy is just an indication that your parameters for choosing a partner isn’t working well for you. Maybe you’re the type that goes for the prettiest girl in the room, or hooks up with the girl most likely to give u nookie on your first date. Maybe u would be happier and more secure if you’d stuck with the nerdy looking chic at the drug store that adores you. Bottom line if you find yourself always feeling jealous/insecure around your partner, perharps it’s time to exercise your own free will and walk away from the situation.

I walked away but continue to struggle with trust issues ( i still cant resist going for the prettiest girl in the room even if we have nothing in common ). My ex hooked up with boy friend number 2 and based on information i gleaned from hacked accounts, they seem happy despite cheating on each other. Both just seem mature and secure in themselves to allow the other person to dip every now and then. I wish I could be like them, I wish I could accept monogamy ain’t natural.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:54 am

@Ms. Main

Your scenario is what happens most often. Unless the 3rd party has sized up and decided that ole boy ain’t isht, cats rarely approach a female within 5ft of a dude. Let alone when they are obviously together.

@Raqi (too)

My thought is that I have to trust her to be on her issue about us, because we’re not going to always be in the same place, at the same time; and as stated, there are a hardly (maybe 1%) of dudes that would approach a woman that is obviously with me.

Just don’t happen like that

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
11:56 am

Leggs Right. It’s a no-brainer that if a person in a relationship welcomes or receives advances from an outsider they obviously don’t give a care about that relationship. But Dan seems to view disrespect from outsiders based on the reaction of his woman. It’s like if she doesn’t care then he doesn’t either.

W8©

September 9th, 2009
11:56 am

Her: “i’m just touchy feely when I talk to people”

Me: “well don’t touch me anymore” (while thinking to myself”you think im buying this crap”)

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:57 am

I don’t even like my man or anyone I am dating to put their hand on or in my azz while we are out!..

Lioness,whaaaat???…..actually thats what i do, classic me…

when i know my Queen is rocking those jeans that bring out her azz and we out stepping on the town, i know men’s eyes when they see azz like that,so,in their presence and seemingly like i aint seeing them, i pinch and squeeze her azz with my right hand,pulling her my way like that…..

not jealous reallly but kinda like,
“yeah, im smashing this azz right here u eyeing, everyday!” :lol: :lol:

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:57 am

@Lioness

Stood between him and her to affect ole dude’s response.

And trust, few want it with the D.

W8©

September 9th, 2009
11:58 am

Some women want you to think that if they dont care about a mans advances you shouldnt either..I am totally onboard with hooksyde’s posts today

Taliq

September 9th, 2009
11:58 am

Blue_Kolla,

[But since Blue don’t get physical with chicks, there will be no “crackin’” some broads head… but she will be hit with the mental beatdown - meanin’, I’m gon’ keep gettin’ the booty and other favors, while not telling her that the position of “Main” is now open to new applicants.]

I tried that … only no matter how many new applicants you entertain, if you’re the jealous type you’ll still wonder where you rank on her list … also what happens when she asks for a favor, like pick up my laundry, won’t we do dinner tonight … a part of you wants to scream, why not go ask some other dude on your list to go do that for you

Blue_Kolla

September 9th, 2009
11:58 am

Lioness I don’t even like my man or anyone I am dating to put their hand on or in my azz while we are out!..

That’s in my book as well, courtesy of my Pops. But I’ll admit, if no one can see, I’ve been known to place a quick, playful tap on an azz from time to time.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:59 am

Her: “i’m just touchy feely when I talk to people”

W8 – I can be that way too, down to playful hits on the shoulder or legs. I’m trying to stop that! :lol:

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:59 am

@Raqi (11:56)

Exactly.

And her reaction tells me that she doesn’t care, giving me license to do the same. Why protect someone (thing) that doesn’t want to be protected?

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
12:00 pm

Melo- :neutral: Do you Boo!

Dan- :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
12:02 pm

Kolla- Exactly!! I am fine with that! I view it as a form of disrespect.. Ownership, just like what Melo said

Dan

September 9th, 2009
12:02 pm

@Taliq

Picking up laundry is a boyfriend responsibility. If she’s shown that that’s not what I am to her, then I don’t do it.

“..gotta be willing to walk away from [it], when the heat is on” <– DeNiro’s character in Heat

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
12:03 pm

Ared- Are you like that ONLY like that with the people you date or with any dude?

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
12:03 pm

I guess what I’m trying to say with all this rambling is that sometimes jealousy is just an indication that your parameters for choosing a partner isn’t working well for you.

Hmm…interesting perspective, Taliq