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Jealous Much?

Yesterday we talked about how to draw the line on flirting and being too tempted. Today, I wanted to touch on how to handle being with someone who is extremely insecure. I’ve had a jealous boyfriend before and it’s not always an easy feat to reassure someone that you are just friendly and flirty by nature. What do you think about asking a person to change that part of their personality so that you can feel more secure about the relationship?

There is only so much jealousy a person can handle. Have you dated someone who was jealous? What were the signs that they were that way? Is there a way to spot this red flag before you are in a relationship with someone?

Have you ever struggled with jealous and insecurity personally? How did it impact your dating or your relationships? What can one do to let the jealousy and insecurity go?

746 comments Add your comment

Professor fill in the blank___

September 9th, 2009
10:35 am

I have a good friend that was notorious for hacking emails, doing pop ups, driving through guys complex etc. Well we all called her crazy stalker etc., and the one time she listened to us she found herself pregnant by a married man. Hell it took me a minute to stop blaming myself. Part of me felt I should have just let her be and she would not have found out the hard way. That was about seven years ago and all is well, but I felt bad though.

Looking back I would not say she was jealous, just nosey or something.

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
10:38 am

Hey Cemeeli!!! Good to see you peeking in.

Raqi – you are a very patient woman.

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
10:39 am

@Compelling ~ when people do what your 10:04 states, I’m blown away. For all who said jealously is a wasted emotion I agree. However, for those who say a little in a relationship is warranted or else you don’t care about the person I also agree with. At that point, it’s really just “concern/care” for the person you’re with. Jealousy is an emotion that somehow destroys common sense and usually has you looking like a complete fool. You can’t force someone to love/like/care about you and making a scene and always accusing someone of doing something is not going to make that happen. Jealousy will have you seeing and hearing things that aren’t there!

@SeanM, you’re absolutely correct!

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:41 am

Naw, bruh. You WRONG.

First, you’re assuming the dude knows she has a man;

Second, you’re assuming he knows that is you;

Lastly, you’re assuming that he’s going to persist.

If all your assumptions are true, yeah, he’s disrespecting YOU. If not, he’s disrespecting (or attempting to) your relationship – in which case it’s on your wife or girl.

See, getting mad about stuff like this out of context is how people get the grasses handed to ‘em over little isht

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:42 am

Looking back I would not say she was jealous, just nosey or something.

Professor – Any time I’ve gone “looking” is because I was suspecting he was disrespecting the relationship – being dishonesty, cheating, etc. It was more about confirming suspicions than being jealous.

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
10:42 am

I’ve never gone searching for anything (checking emails, voicemails, etc) but one time I did look in a guy’s wallet. Not because I suspected anything but because he left me in the car and I was bored. So I opened his wallet to look at his drivers license – out falls a medical card with his name and a woman’s name (same last name) – the woman that he told me was just the mother of his child.

Glad I was being nosy that day, LOL. I was 19 at the time. Although I found out that bit of information, I never was nosy like that again.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:43 am

Raqi – you are a very patient woman

Tazzee why do you say that?

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:46 am

I don’t give a rat’s azz what anyone thinks of me inviting myself into a conversation where I clearly note a woman becoming too friendly and flirty with my man

Raqi – I feel you on that. Especially since your man wears a wedding ring (I assume). Yes, Mason doesn’t have to take the bait, but there are women who will try something just cuz they can and think get away with it.

Their azzes need to be checked.

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
10:48 am

@Dan, If the relationship is between me and her, only the two of us can choose to disrespect it – not the outside person. You’re wrong here. 3rd parties disrespect the relationship all the time. If you ignore the disrespect in front on you, you’re the fool. If you wait for her to handle it, you’re still perceived as the fool cuz she’s probably waiting on you to handle it. People disrespect each other daily. A real man and a real woman recognizes it and handles it immediately.

Grace

September 9th, 2009
10:48 am

Jealousy was a mere key component in my past relationship. It was distributed from both ends, when jealousy reared it’s ugly head as hard as it was, I try not lose my cool. I think jealousy is embedded in each of us at a certain extent but how we control it sets us apart. My ex was jealous of everything from phone calls, to the way my passenger seat was set in my car, if it was leaned back he just knew a man was in that seat, he was also jealous of my relationship with my sister. Me on the other hand I was jealous of his relationship with his certain family members and my family. they flocked to him like glue and he always showed his butt off in the process. Non of this type of jealousy resulted in anything harsh, we both recognized it and made changes that would settle things before it got out of control.

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
10:49 am

Raqi – your exchange with Dan. You and Foots are very patient when you get into these types of exchanges with the fellas, I would have let it go a while ago.

But then again, I’ve always said impatience is one of my flaws.

Hooksykid

September 9th, 2009
10:49 am

I have to respond to this one. I will say that I am not jealous until I am promted to be so. Women tend not to realize that it is in their nature to be flirtatous because that is there way of building their self esteem. What they fail to realize is that when you are in a relationship you do have to make adjustments and concessions to cater to your mates insecurities if you choose to be involved with that person. I have been in situations where I have brought certain things to my partners attention and her response is that I shouldnt be upset. However, I think that there is a level of respect that you have to afford your partner if you care about their feelings. I am the type of person who will bring it up when it is apparent that they dont realize how there actions can be precieved by another individual. I feel that sometimes women, in their flirtatous moods, are not realizing that they are inviting potential drama into their lives by not realizing how a man is interpreting your actions, innocent or not. They don’t acknowledge that a man is in a better position to realize how another man thinks or interprets a women’s actions. They always tend to believe that they are in total control as long as they can shut it down when they want. However when they invite things into their lives by this behavior and sh-t goes wrong who do they look to for protection. It really trips me out when a woman tells you that you are being jealous when she flirts and tells you that you are wrong for your attitude or reaction, however when you play by her rules and you act like her when you are around women she will react the same way and get mad at you for letting a girl touch you on the shoulder or rub your arm when she is doing the same thing. There is s double standard when it comes to women and jealousy.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:51 am

First, you’re assuming the dude knows she has a man

Dan, Melo is right. What we were initially talking about is when someone openly flirts with your woman and you are standing right there. That is disrespect. If you are standing there while a man is coming at your woman and you nor she not let it be known that she is your woman then yeah that’s you two allowing your relationship to be disrespected. Or relationship don’t really mean that much to either anyway.

Heck how does it have to get before one of you speak up?

Would you let a man walk up and put his hand in your plate of fries and you not say “hey man these are mine”?

Leggs

September 9th, 2009
10:51 am

Also Dan, I may have read wrong, but I thought you were asked if someone flirted or disrespected you in the presence of your woman.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:52 am

@Leggs

We’ll have to agree to disagree.

I could give a fugg about the 3rd person (their intent, their attempt, etc), my only concern is with my SO’s reaction to it. All else is perception and this extended sense of “respect”.

And to me that’s being “real” as opposed to territorial.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:52 am

Looking back I would not say she was jealous, just nosey or something.

Professor – I agree. Anytime I’ve gone looking is because I already suspected he was disrespecting me – lying, being dishonest, cheating. And my heightened attention was for me to find proof of my suspicions.

Nothing to do with jealousy.

Compelling

September 9th, 2009
10:52 am

@ Leggs- Trust me, that behavior blew me away. I totally agree with you though, I felt out of control and I know I looked crazy on occasion. Now I realize that it’s just not worth it. I didn’t gain one thing from doing all that I did, except a valuable lesson learned. I look back on it now and laugh because I was doing some crazy ish.

@ Tazzee- Did you leave that guy? Or confront him about it?

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:53 am

LOL Tazzee. Sometimes I don’t bother, but I like to state my views at other times.

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
10:54 am

What’s wrong with being territorial?

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:55 am

Raqi – your exchange with Dan. You and Foots are very patient when you get into these types of exchanges with the fellas, I would have let it go a while ago.

:lol: :idea:

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:56 am

but there are women who will try something just cuz they can and think get away with it.

Amazon and a lot of those outsiders have succeeded in there efforts with other attached. So a wedding band means nothing to them.

Blue_Kolla

September 9th, 2009
10:56 am

Jealous people usually come in two varieties – those who don’t think that they can get another mate, whether it be for physical, financial, or emotional reasons; and those that know in their own hearts that they can’t be trusted.

Melo

September 9th, 2009
10:58 am

I may have read wrong, but I thought you were asked if someone flirted or disrespected you in the presence of your woman

Leggs,neva mind! :lol:

hes gonna wait and watch his woman’s reaction…..

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:59 am

What’s wrong with being territorial?

Not a damn thang. I will cut a bytch. LOL

But seriously SexyCool you know what really matter is whether it is or not one sided. There is no way I will as I am with a man who don’t give a you-know-what on his end.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:59 am

Amazon and a lot of those outsiders have succeeded in there efforts with other attached. So a wedding band means nothing to them.

Raqi – Exactly. I was talking to a newly married friend the other day, who claimed the ring was like a magnet.

For me it’s always been a repellant. :lol:

So these women are out there trying folks just because they can get away with it. There need to be more women willing to step up and let them know such behavior is not acceptable.

“Close your legs to married men!” :lol: – NeNe.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:00 am

@Raqi

You’re right, I’ll just lift my leg and pee in a circle around her….not being entirely facetious, but that’s what this sounds like to me.

But again, the analogy don’t hold. My possession vs. a person choosing to be with me. My gal ain’t chattel. She’s free to come and go as she pleases.

Now, the ring, the vows, and the potential losses in a divorce changes all that. ‘Member: “I’m single til I’m married”, that’s how I apply that statement.

Cemeeli

September 9th, 2009
11:01 am

Lol @ Melo – Missed you too. How’s the Queen, your lil princesses/prince zulu doing?

@ Tazzee Mae – Hey Miss Lady!

Compelling

September 9th, 2009
11:03 am

LOL @ Amazon! Nene is such a clown sometimes! I forgot who had a tagline on here last week that said “who gon check me boo?” I was laughin’ so hard at my desk.

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
11:03 am

Raqi – You know you my folk, right? LOL.

I just asked the question about territorial because, well, hell, the United States protects it borders. Shouldn’t you give some attention to the boundaries in your relationship as well?

That’s all I’m saying.

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
11:04 am

But maybe I am reading this wrong but if a woman succeeds in getting a man to respond to her advances.(married, dating or whateva) Is the woman at fault for making the advance, or is the guy at fault for following it? If a dude pushes up on a woman and he gets her number, is it the dudes fault for asking for the number or the woman’s fault for giving it?

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:05 am

See, Mytwocents,girl,u got a helluva of a psycho talent..i hadnt even seen that about Dan.

Time for u to sit his azz down 4 that psycho class on “feelings and perceptions in relatiosnhips” coz he be single 4 long time if he dont pass. :lol: :lol:

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
11:06 am

@Blue I like your last post. Makes sense to me.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:06 am

I’m not being argumentative, I just don’t get it.

To me the proposition of defending her from other men approaching her is on the same scale of jealousy that leads to the “don’t look at another dude”.

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:08 am

Jealousy is a lack of trust! Never been the one to check voicemail, email, text messages etc ,but if my man wanted to check mine, I would be all for it cause I am secure in mine & if he feels the need to satisfy his curiosity, who am I to make an issue out of something so trivial? My man has to be the type of man that RESPECTS me, my feelings & trust me & the decisions I make in order for us to work. Having a relationship with a person who is jealous is an energy drainer..

Some people flirt with other people to get a reaction out of their mate.. CHILDISH!! Starting unnecessary drama for ????

Kolla- I agree!

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:09 am

I think Dan is the kinda guy who lets robbers try their luck breaking his house while hes there watching them coz Brinks pple have told him his alarm system is off da chain! :lol: :lol:

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:10 am

@Raqi

My question to you: if I’m being approached by a woman isn’t ultimately MY choice to act (read: cheat/disrespect our relationship)?

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:10 am

I forgot who had a tagline on here last week that said “who gon check me boo?” I was laughin’ so hard at my desk.

:lol: @ Compelling. I know that was a tagline of mine a couple of weeks ago.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 9th, 2009
11:10 am

Morning beautiful blog people!

I have not had much experience with overly jealous dudes, but whenever I sensed it coming, I got ghost. One in particular comes to mind – he got very jealous a few times when we went out for a nice evening and were dressed up. I got many compliments (polite, not disrespectful) from men. He could not take it. A few months after we started dating I began work on my MBA. He would comment all the time about my “future earning potential” and how soon I would be making more money than him AND that I would be coming in contact with THOSE kind of people – you know, successful guys! He was doing well in his career and I told him he had nothing to feel insecure about, BUT – all this whining turned me off! Confidence is sexy as H to me! Yes, I agree with others that a little jealousy (or concern) is warranted in a loving relationship! Absent of any can be VERY COLD and I have been there too.

I’ve actually been accused of being a little TOO confident. It just takes quite a lot for me to be jealous. Before I become jealous, I usually feel DISRESPECTED and then you get kicked to the curb. But I just don’t waste time with jealousy. I want what is meant for ME. There is always going to be somebody prettier, richer, smarter, got a finer man, etc. I can’t waste time coveting what is not meant for me! Plus, everything that glitters is not gold! If dude wants some other chick, more power to him – please go. Not saying I would not be hurt, but what good is being jealous going to do for me?

Now please don’t try to MAKE me jealous. You will only make me MAD. You will be wasting your time!

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
11:10 am

Compelling – I didn’t need to really. When he got back in the car, I asked him about it and he went off about me snooping and other stuff. And how he couldn’t be with me if I didn’t trust him :lol: I was laughing the entire time because I really wasn’t looking for anything.

SCool – Nothing wrong with being territorial. It may not be obvious, but we all have ways of letting others know what’s up.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
11:11 am

SexyCool my son’s father gave him a dog a few years back and it was a Shih Tzu. Those dogs are very territorial. They are well known for marking their territory. I remember the first week we had her she peed around the entire border of the house. If a dog knows to mark its territory to ward off intruding bytches then what is wrong with us two leggers doing the same.

And Dan once a person chooses and commits to be with you they are yours and you theirs. Your mate. Your partner. Your boo. Yours exclusively for none others to strum.

But hey that’s just me.

Okay Tazzee I am leaving it alone now. LOL

Dan

September 9th, 2009
11:11 am

@Melo

Hahahahaha

Dan is the type to let them try their luck with my aim and my .45. But again, those are my possessions.

Lioness-

September 9th, 2009
11:12 am

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
11:13 am

If a dude/chick falls prey to advances, it’s because they wanted to. We all know a dude/chick is wrong for going after someone’s else mate/spouse but it’s the already the taken person’s job to stand tall and say no. They got gotten because they allowed it to happen.

Melo

September 9th, 2009
11:13 am

is it the dudes fault for asking for the number or the woman’s fault for giving it?

nobody is at fault coz these are 2 consenting adults……

if the woman is married,she at “fault” unless if she is checking out of it.
if the guy knows the woman is married,hes biaatch and shes a Queen biaatch!

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:13 am

To me the proposition of defending her from other men approaching her

:| reading is fundamental.

Tazzee, please keep me from falling down the rabbit hole today. :lol:

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
11:16 am

Kimmie “Confidence is sexy as H to me!”

Double co-signs, ^5’s all around AND 3 snaps up (in recognition of this past weekend’s Pride activities…LOL)

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
11:16 am

The discussion was not on whether or not the attached one takes the bait or not, that’s a whole other Oprah. But on the disrespect from the outsiders. Hell just because my husband denies another woman’s advances does not make her actions less disrespectful knowing he is married. And even worse trying to do so in my presence.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
11:18 am

it’s the already the taken person’s job to stand tall and say no

Ms. Main – That has been established.

The question is what happens when it becomes clear your mate is taken, yet the person continues to flirt like he/she is available. Do you always lean on your mate to do the dirty work while you watch from across the room? Or do you go up and make your presence known?

Heck, even wingmen exist for a reason. :lol:

There is jealousy, but there is disrespect too. I can handle telling a man I’m not interested or available. I can even get ignorant with it, but I have no problem with my man stepping in and letting the person know that I’m with him.

Compelling

September 9th, 2009
11:18 am

@ Tazzee- HAHA! Classic…tried to flip it on you. :-)

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

September 9th, 2009
11:19 am

nobody is at fault coz these are 2 consenting adults……

Melo – You’re right, they each will just have to deal with the consequences of their actions, whatever they may be!LOL!!

Amred – NeNe’s “close” statement is priceless!!LOL!!