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Jealous Much?

Yesterday we talked about how to draw the line on flirting and being too tempted. Today, I wanted to touch on how to handle being with someone who is extremely insecure. I’ve had a jealous boyfriend before and it’s not always an easy feat to reassure someone that you are just friendly and flirty by nature. What do you think about asking a person to change that part of their personality so that you can feel more secure about the relationship?

There is only so much jealousy a person can handle. Have you dated someone who was jealous? What were the signs that they were that way? Is there a way to spot this red flag before you are in a relationship with someone?

Have you ever struggled with jealous and insecurity personally? How did it impact your dating or your relationships? What can one do to let the jealousy and insecurity go?

746 comments Add your comment

Dan

September 9th, 2009
8:19 am

Good morning,

Jealousy to me is a wasted emotion. You can’t control the actions of another person, and making yourself upset about it is self-destructive.

As alluded to in the post, it’s insecurity sprinkled with that need to control. Some people have it bad.

Ms. Moni

September 9th, 2009
8:38 am

recently out of a relationship with a very jealous man it has caused so many problems in the relationship that we are no longer getting married. It was one incident after another with this guy. He would accuse me of co workers if I was at work, friends if I was at party, what ever the venture was at the time surely I was sleeping with at least have the people there. I could not make any more excuses for him or his behavior I had to leave the relationship. It became work for me I found myself walking easy around him and hiding my own personality to make him feel secure. Just to keep the peace in the realtionship. Can you say more than a million times to one person “EVERYONE DOESN’T CHEAT” GOSH!

Joan

September 9th, 2009
8:41 am

Dan, that is probably the best “comment” i’ve ever seen on jealousy and it’s destructiveness. Ditto here! You actually create what you fear. I’ve never been a jealous person. There’s no need. And yes, for those who say I don’t understand, I’ve been in a marriage where I was cheated on and we are divorced but I remarried and have been married almost 15 years and haven’t had the first jealousy issue. Bottom line….jealousy is destructive in any situation.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
8:44 am

Good Morning.

Jealous Much? The much is where the problem arises. Too much jealousy is when a person accuses or makes unwarranted assumptions about their mate or those in his or her company.

What I may call just giving a damn some may call jealousy. But hey that’s fine. It’s my party. I don’t get all bent out of shape when I see my husband conversing with another woman. It’s innocent and it’s a waste of time and energy worrying about and assuming situations that just aren’t real. But I do care enough to notice when a woman is flirting with him and to notice how he responds. And he cares.

I have said before if he didn’t care to an extent I would start to wonder why. There are lines that need not get crossed. But just mere conversation with the opposite sex I have no problem with.

I just have one rule, Do Not Touch My Man. Don’t touch his arm in admiration. Don’t get so caught up in laughter and fall all over his chest. Don’t bump into his leg. There is such a thing as person space. Stay out of his. And I keep those that don’t belong out of mine.

The closest I have come to being with someone that was too jealous was with the nature guy. But I think most of his problem was he was just too needy.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
8:51 am

Ms. Moni I agree. The false accusations based on nothing is sure to kill any relationship.

Sometimes you wonder if the jealousy based on that person lack satisfactory input into the relationship. Like when a person knows they are giving all that should be given they can become afraid that their mate will go out looking elsewhere.

Jennifer Hudson says:

Are you a man who loves and cherishes and cares for me?

Are you a guard in a prison, maximum security?

Do we stay home all the time cuz you want me to yourself?

Or am I locked away, out of fear that I’d find someone else

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Just because you think I might find somebody worthy

mytw♥cents...For You

September 9th, 2009
8:53 am

Never say never, but I doubt I could deal with this very long. For lots of us, flirting is often for sport. So if you have any kind of self control it, shouldn’t be something you’d have to alter about yourself to be with someone else. I’m not gonna. Unwarranted or Extreme Jealousy SCREAMS INSECURITY! I am a person, not a possession, and that would scare the shiii outta me.

Conversely, I do know a few who get a bit irked when their love interest doesn’t show hints of jealousy. Foolishness. If you’re confident in your own product and packaging, just rock it. People allow their own insecurities to be much more threatening to their relationship han outside forces.

DAN Do the women you deal with find you to be too passive or blase’ (always forget to check if this is a real word) about them?

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
8:58 am

Let me redo this entire statement:

Sometimes you wonder if the jealousy is based on that person’s lack of satisfactory input into the relationship. Like when a person knows they are NOT giving all that should be given they can become afraid that their mate will go out looking elsewhere.

Blue_Kolla

September 9th, 2009
9:06 am

Jealousy… WTF is that, other than a headache waiting to happen? I can understand some concern, but I don’t even waste energy on a jealous broad.

I personally am the opposite of jealous. I let a grown woman be grown – do you, just respect me and give me mine. The problem is, that I’m so cool, that I’m often accused of being “too nonchalant”, “cold”, “not givin’ a damn”, blah blah… What’s up with that?

Professor fill in the blank___

September 9th, 2009
9:07 am

Jealousy. Interesting topic, the first thing comes to mind when I think of jealousy, jealousy is a natural human emotion, however it was like salt on your food a little enhances the flavor, but too much kills the taste makes the food not edible and may lead to bigger problems including toxic poisoning.

mytw♥cents...For You

September 9th, 2009
9:07 am

Maybe ‘hints’ is too subtle. More like doesn’t grill them about who else you ran into or met at the (mall, party, lounge, bar). Or “so there wasn’t anybody you were attracted to there? Hmmph. <<< that kinda stuff, as oppposed to milder, more playful commentary. I think this also has to do with mates not trusting their mates’ friends… Which reminds me to email you, Wisey.

MS. MONI I find those kinds of blanket accusations to be more a projection of that person’s actions than a detection of yours. Good for you for having the courage to not walk down the aisle.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
9:08 am

@My2

Some do, some don’t.

When I’m interested, I show my interest. The problems that I have had are in being non-responsive to what [she] may perceive to be a problem.

For instance: a woman flirting with me in the prescence of my SO does not bother me becuase it’s a non-event, as in nothing going to come of it. Likewise, her flirting without someone else (or receiving attention from someone else) doesn’t bother me for the same reason.

As for passivity, I’ll fight for mine, but as stated I can’t control the actions of another person.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
9:12 am

just respect me

BlueK I agree. That’s the thing right there, don’t disrespect your mate. And you know while it’s okay to not be concerned for many, we have to be realistic in knowing that not every person that is approaching your mate is doing so innocently. We live among the trifling. There has to be some kind of care there.

I have read several men on here say that they don’t even realize all the time when a woman is flirting with them. See it’s not a jealousy move for your woman to point it out to you. She is just putting you in the need to know.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
9:16 am

TwoLincolns that is just sheer overloaded jealousy questioning your mate about what they did, who they spoke with and all that crap.

That does show trust issues.

mytw♥cents...For You

September 9th, 2009
9:18 am

DAN Thanks. Your response is exactly why I asked ~ your answers sometimes tend toward ambiguity. I can see how that may be frustrating for someone trying to gauge your interest level, in general. I also understand the flipside, which you & BK seem to be referencing. Cuz I’m fairly unfazed by the person’s goings on and won’t perceive someone having a life or certain personality traits as a threat to whatever I may be to him.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
9:19 am

Dan IMO to not put up the barrier when someone blatantly flirts with someone in the presence of their mate is boarding on disrespect. No we can’t control what other people do but what does it hurt to walk away from the disrespectful situation?

Dan

September 9th, 2009
9:21 am

@Raqi

A question for a female perspective: why does a random chick flirting with me matter? Whether I recognize it or not?

side note: this whole “respect” issue has really lost some of it’s meaning as the idea of what is respectable has been beaten to death by overusage. not directed at you R, just a general statement

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
9:21 am

ProfessorJealousy. Interesting topic, the first thing comes to mind when I think of jealousy, jealousy is a natural human emotion, however it was like salt on your food a little enhances the flavor, but too much kills the taste makes the food not edible and may lead to bigger problems including toxic poisoning.

That’s about how I’d sum it up.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
9:24 am

@My2

I’m not intentionally being ambiguous. It’s just that, in most cases, I try not to get upset about little stuff. Especially stuff beyond my control. I.E.: if she cheats, she cheats; and the chick flirting with me is either trying to get a tip or a taste, neither of which is she getting based on anything other than MY decision.

M' (Casper)

September 9th, 2009
9:30 am

Jealousy…truly an indication of insecurity issues…the moment anything rears its head to indicate that personality type…I am like Casper…I get ghost…I WILL NOT be CONTROLLED by another person’s insecurity issues…NOT!

There are red flags…I remember this one dude…every time another man spoke to me…he would ask “Who is he?”…”How well do you know him?”…”Why is he staring at you?”…and also any behaviors (verbal or physical) that indicate a NEED to mark his territory.

Professor fill in the blank___

September 9th, 2009
9:31 am

@Ms. Main thanks. I just feel that there are pros and cons to each situation for the most part. I think too often we go all off on the deep end and only look at the negative. I have been in situations where my than SO would make a comment (not often) and there was a hint of jealousy in the comment and I laughed gave him a peck on the lips and that was it. Cute…funny…the end. However I do understand the deadly form of jealousy that kills relationships, but I do not claim that nor have I stayed around to see how the story would unfold.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
9:33 am

Dan It matters when it’s an obvious disregard for your mate’s presence. Like you said we cannot control the actions of others but I will not have mine disrespected. If he is standing right there and a man is flirting with me he is disrespecting my husband. Some people are just bold like that but it’s my duty to my relationship to move away from the disrespectful situation.

Let me ask you a question. Would you just stand there while a man continually flirts with your woman? Would you not feel disrespected and wonder why she is just accepting it? And further more would not eventually say or do something about it? Or would you feel that it would make you seem jealous to block a dude’s flirting, which are often subtle advances, at your woman?

And it’s not all the time so much as you trusting your mate to be faithful and loyal to you, but it is a matter of respect.

Respect. Would you allow someone, a man, to come in your house, walk all out thru it, lay on your personal bed, take his shoes off and put them on your couch and table? Or would you see that for what it is as disrespect for your space?

mytw♥cents...For You

September 9th, 2009
9:34 am

I KNOW you’re not, DAN. Hence my taking a moment to point it out, buddy. And again, I understand it to a degreee.

“We live among the trifling.” LUVS it! For awhile, thought I was the only one who had noticed that phenomena, RAQI.

M. (pronounced M dot)

September 9th, 2009
9:35 am

@Have you dated someone who was jealous? What were the signs that they were that way?

What’s funny is all the reg flags we ignore in a potential relationship. I think we do not want to jeoparadize our potential happiness so we just roll with it and lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that its not that big a deal or that bad.

My ex was real jealous because every coworker or any contact with a female, she would give me 21 questions and always assume something was going on. I knew she was jealous when I had some friends come from out of town and we only had known each other for like 6 weeks and she put me on trial with all the questions.

The worst part about dealing with a jealous person is that jealousy to me is a huge sign of lack of trust so they will never trust you and it will always feel like work trying to get them to rest easy regarding you and to essentially believe you!

Tazzee - holding on until 12/30/09

September 9th, 2009
9:36 am

Morning Folks!

My guy is a hugger. He hugs my friends more than I do – but they are always church hugs. I’m with Raqi on the flirtatious touching. I know my intent when I laugh and touch arm, thigh, etc. I’ve never seen it with my guy, but if I did I would first see how he handles it. I would never make a scene though – perhaps tell him after.

I’ve never been involved with an overly jealous man. Some insecurities I can deal with but if a man is overly jealous we would have a problem.

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
9:39 am

Three Words Daily – God, then you.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
9:39 am

Morning all –

Haven’t really dated a jealous person. More likely they’ve had moments of insecurity, like we all can.

When I went off to college, the boyfriend I left behind became very jealous. He was upset that I had this whole new life that he wasn’t a part of – me being away from home, living in a dorm, partying when I want…etc. He barely got out of high school and I think he realized that it was his own choices that kept him stuck in L.A. In any case, he begun to show his azz and I realized there were a whole new world of guys that I was now exposed to. Needless to say, I went into the next semester single! :lol:

Since then, jealousy hasn’t been much of a problem with any guy I date. Perhaps because I tend to date guys who are more like me than different. I can’t deal with overly emotional people.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
9:40 am

I just feel that there are pros and cons to each situation for the most part.

I truly believe that a lack of genuine care or concern can lead to insensitivity in relationships. It can get cold and become quite detached.

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
9:42 am

Like Raqi – if I am not a tad bit jealous, it means that I really don’t give a sht.

In my relationship with Shthead, he accused me of being insecure. My response to him, “Any level of insecurity that I may display in this relationship is directly proportional to the amount of bullsht that you attempt to tell me is cotton candy.”

I should have walked away at the moment I felt the first twinges of anything that felt like insecurity. (Yes, I am honest enough with myself to recognize it when it appears.) However, it was not time wasted because it was a lesson learned.

Professor fill in the blank___

September 9th, 2009
9:52 am

That is exactly what I meant with that statement it keeps you from becoming “detached” at a healthy dosage anything more or extreme will be identified as crazy.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:02 am

he accused me of being insecure

SexyCool yeah, that’s where it can get tricky. And like you said you have to call crap what it is, merely BS.

When are person is accusing you of being insecure just because you have a genuine concern usually means they are crapping all over the place. It’s like if my husband asks me where I am going and I jump on the defense or accuses him of being insecure, well let’s just say I am the guilty one.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:02 am

@Raqi

A man walking through my home, lying in my bed, etc. is disrespecting my property (as in I own it).

Conversely, a man flirting with my girl (and her acceptance of that flirting) is only disrespectful to me in its outcome. Does she give him her number? Cool, let him take you home. Does he buy her a drink? Cool, but acknowledge that you are here with your man so he has to buy him one too (that usually runs the lames off)?

Those two scenario’s are different, one is disrespecting my property, the other is my woman making a conscious decision to disrespect me. I won’t stand for it in either case.

But in the former, me and old dude are going to have a conversation that will get physical. In the latter, her choices have consequences, the least of which is me leaving her with ole dude – respecting the choice she has made.

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
10:02 am

Good Morning All,

Dated a jealous dude? Hmmm I think two. One guy called me what seemed like every hour on the hour, wanted to make sure I was where I said I was. The other well he actually thought something was going on with one of my guy friends so he made drive bys his workplace(to check him out). Neither of those went over well with me. I always think if you looking for something most likely you will find it. Now I can relate to Dan and Blue I am not about to spend time shaking a dude down to see where he is going, wonder why he spent 2mins and 14secs talking to Becky. At 18 maybe at 37 damn that..if he going to cheat he will cheat. Can’t control it.

Off Topic but not really-What’s that new show coming out or is it a movie. The Good Wife? I think that’s right about the political bigwig who slept with the hooker, and the wife is standing by her man.

Compelling

September 9th, 2009
10:04 am

Jealously is ugly and it can definitely get the best of you. I’ve let jealous feelings totally rule my every waking thought and and for a time I thought it was perfectly normal to behave that way. Jealously had me hacking into email acounts, checking text meesages, and listening to saved voicemails. I thankful for close friends and family who told me that my jealousy and antics were extreme.

What all of that taught me is that in order to be in a healthy relationship trust and respect must dwell there. I wasn’t giving the guy I was dating at the time any respect by going through his personal things and I definitely wasn’t trusting our relationship. Jealousy is a cancer and if it goes unchecked it can kill anything that’s thriving. Hey you live and you learn….

Ms. Main

September 9th, 2009
10:08 am

Like Raqi – if I am not a tad bit jealous, it means that I really don’t give a sht.

….and I cosign this one too. Just a hint is indicative that you care.

This is sexy—->I have been in situations where my than SO would make a comment (not often) and there was a hint of jealousy in the comment and I laughed gave him a peck on the lips and that was it. Cute…funny…the end.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 9th, 2009
10:09 am

I guess this somewhat hits a nerve for me because sometimes jealousy is warranted. I can get somewhat jealous sometimes, Scorpios are by nature somewhat jealous. As was mentioned above, jealousy is a function of degree. The question comes from whether the jealousy is warranted or unwarranted, and is it enough to cause issues, etc. It can be a function of being jealous of a person or persons, or it can be jealous of the time being spent that could be spent with one’s significant other. My point is that one size does not fit all.

I have seen times where an SO of mine could not see the motives of another guy, (read ex-husband or ex-boyfriend), get POed at me for getting mildly irritated, then a week or a month later find out that the ex had motives for his “just being friendly”. Sometimes those “innocent” advances aren’t so innocent. I suppose one could say that things must not have been good to begin with if this causes problems and maybe that is so, but who needs more drama entering into a relationship…if you aren’t interested show you are not interested and then point out to your SO that you cut the guy/gal off at the pass.

An aside, my first relationship after my divorce had had a few “encounters” with a co-worker who was obviously your typical “uses people” type. Every time he and I were in a social setting together, the hair on both of our necks would stand up just like two male alpha dogs. He pi$$ed me off and I pi$$ed him off. Even though I got far more than he ever did, I just did not like the guy around because I did not need or want the competition, real or imagined.

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:11 am

Dan your relationship is yours to own. No we don’t own our mate’s beings, but the relationship we do. That guy would be disrespecting your relationship.

Let me ask you another this which is a bit off topic, while we truly have no rightful possession, outside of a marriage :wink: , to our mate’s being, would you not defend your mate should a man disrespects her, her body. Or do you look the other way because you know, it ain’t yours, you don’t own it.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:12 am

@Raqi

Your scenario reminded me of another thing.

2 women, 1 man. Dude gets caught cheating and will usually end up with (at least) one of the women. Why? Jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. Because the females (usually) are mad at EACH OTHER giving no rational credence the man’s decision until well after the fact.

Grace

September 9th, 2009
10:12 am

that green eyed monster :evil:

good morning!

SeanM

September 9th, 2009
10:15 am

The problem with jealousy is it is a Self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are worried that the person you are with is going to cheat/leave you, and you show out and start doing actions that are detrimental to the relationship, then yes, that person will leave you.

AmazonRed™ - tanned to a nice toasted almond brown

September 9th, 2009
10:15 am

Conversely, I do know a few who get a bit irked when their love interest doesn’t show hints of jealousy.

I was with the ex at one his founder day celebrations one year. He was running late for whatever reason and some dudes were talking to me at the bar. They were grabbing dinner and asked if I wanted to join them.

We’ll the ex called and I told him what was going on, he got to the spot real fast after that. :lol: He then proceded to mark his territory when he got there.

He never was a jealous person, and I was grateful for that, but I can’t lie and say that incident wasn’t a little flattering to the ego. I would never set up a situation to intentionally make my guy jealous, but sometimes it’s nice to know that he cares in that way.

Cemeeli

September 9th, 2009
10:16 am

…hey…

…let me comment really quick here…

…my old man giving another female svrl overt “friendly” gestures, NO! I don’t play like that… Yea, try me ‘n get cha wig split!….If me “handlin’ it” is in the same family as “insecure”…then, Your Honor – GUILTY!

By nature we (me) are protectors…so maybe it’s the female tiger gene, where the female tiger protects the pack from ‘predators’…….it’s relative to me…

lol…”i’m an artist and i’m sensitive about my s…”

The flip side of that is, take care of what’s yours, ‘n there shouldn’t be any real “jealousy” issues with a person saying something or tempting to your significant other.

If my old man is easily swayed by flirtatious gestures, and disrespects the relationship because some chic said she likes his cologne <- That’s a compliment to you too!…,especially if it’s the one you bought! Keep it all in perspective…

My Sexy is my Cool.

September 9th, 2009
10:17 am

Randyt – “I did not need or want the competition, real or imagined.”

Funny that you mention this, one of my gf’s was telling a friend of hers about some attention that she had received over the weekend. The friend responds with “Oh, if I would have been there, he would have been all over me.”

I was freaking flabbergasted. Seriously, we still doing that sht at damn near 40?!?!? GTFOH…

Melo

September 9th, 2009
10:17 am

hacking into email acounts, checking text meesages, and listening to saved voicemails

Now thats not Jealous,thats S U F F O C A T I O N :lol: :lol:

morning….if u not a tad jealous,u dont care,proly dont luv the person that much….u need jealous,in healthy doses,like the good Proff said……

Kym -Wooosahhhhhh!!! in your face!

September 9th, 2009
10:18 am

2 women, 1 man. Dude gets caught cheating and will usually end up with (at least) one of the women. Why? Jealousy, insecurity, and possessiveness. Because the females (usually) are mad at EACH OTHER giving no rational credence the man’s decision until well after the fact.<<<<<<<This just needed to be retyped. Ohh and apply it to a dude too. Fellows tend to be more angry with boyfriend #2 until as you say well after the fact. Then he goes oh wait this chica right here..got me.

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:23 am

@Raqi

If the relationship is between me and her, only the two of us can choose to disrespect it – not the outside person.

As for her body (and I’d say her feelings too), of course I’mma defend it. Not because I “own” it, but because she’s my gal.

Melo

September 9th, 2009
10:25 am

Cemeeli, welcome!

i really missed u…..

Dan

September 9th, 2009
10:25 am

@Melo

Naw bruh, that’s a privacy/security violation. A potentially litigous position.

Compelling

September 9th, 2009
10:30 am

LOL @ Melo! Yeah it was suffocation, jealously, psychotic tendencies, I’d say at the time I was a complete basket case. I chalk it up to being 18 and away at college with a HS sweetheart. That time period was rough….I’m really happy that I went through it though. I learned so many valuable lessons during that time in my life.

In my current relationship people flirt with me and people flirt with him but neither of us give it the time of day. I have to admit that it feels good when I’m in the restaurant alone making a reservation while he parks the car and some guy attempts to make a pass at me. He usually strolls in, casually puts his arm around my waist and kisses my cheek. So smooth… :-)

Raqi...Not if he's my man...

September 9th, 2009
10:33 am

I don’t give a rat’s azz what anyone thinks of me inviting myself into a conversation where I clearly note a woman becoming too friendly and flirty with my man. Call it what you want but I am a woman myself and I know what have done in the past to get a man’s attention or let him know that I have an interest in him, so I recognize game when I see it. And I will walk up and grab his hand or put my hand on his lower back or subtly touch his butt or inner thigh from behind when see a woman moving in too close.

Reality is there are some in the outside world that will try to move in on yours. Like Cemeeli stated it is what it is.

Melo

September 9th, 2009
10:34 am

If the relationship is between me and her, only the two of us can choose to disrespect it – not the outside person

NAW brah..u WRONG……. a dude that chaffs up my lady when in fact he knows iam the man is dissing me and our relationship,regardless of what my woman does.If he does that while me and lady are tgether and my lady fends him off or lets him know but he insists,trust me,i will talk to him,ready for combat!