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Don’t Mean It? Don’t Say It

As much as I love romance and falling head over heels, I admit that I am a big chicken when it comes to saying and hearing the L word. I have noticed that some people use the L word as a weapon to commit emotional larceny. They steal emotions from a person that they have no intention of being committed to. I have heard men say that they often use the L word on women with no self-esteem to entice them into a pseudo-relationship (read: reason to sleep with them) and it works every time. I have also seen women do the exact same thing. They profess love to the man or say it back to him knowing full well that he is only Mr. Right NOW.

In my opinion, it could be an EMPTY “I Love You” if:

It is said by a person that is consistently selfish; It is said by a person who utters it expressly to get something from you: sex, money, power, attention; Their actions are not aligning with their proclaimed love for you as evidenced by being constantly inconsiderate of your feelings, or if they become abusive in any way, shape or form.

How do you know if someone who says those three words really means it? When is it appropriate to tell someone you love them? When you say “I love you” to your partner or romantic interest, do you mean it? Are you saying it to placate them in some way?

I think this is one of those things that some women have a little anxiety about. If he says it first, am I obligated to say it back? What if I don’t feel what he feels yet? Guys, does this kind of stuff even cross your mind? Do you ever regret saying it too early to a woman?

I would take silence over an empty I Love You, ANY day, but that’s just me. What are your thoughts?

318 comments Add your comment

Leggs

September 2nd, 2009
9:20 am

Good morning!

I too would take silence over an empty “I Love You.” It seems that this emotion has lost some of its spark because it’s thrown around all willy nilly. However, this doesn’t matter because when it’s spoken from the heart, your body and mind knows it’s really. All the other mush is just that…mush!

Ms. Main

September 2nd, 2009
9:23 am

I would take silence over an empty I Love You, ANY day, but that’s just me. What are your thoughts?

here here

Ms. Main

September 2nd, 2009
9:24 am

Falcons…..tomorrow night….front and center…..Georgia Dome….yeah baby

AmazonRed™ - is excited!

September 2nd, 2009
9:27 am

Morning all –

There was only one guy who said it to me first when I wasn’t ready to say it. He took it well, and continued to say it even when I didn’t return it. One time we were hanging up and he said “I love you” and I automatically said it back, just absentmindedly. That was awkward. :lol: That relationship went to hell pretty quickly and I did find out he was lying (or embellishing) to kick it on several fronts. Live and learn.

In any case, I can’t get with the empty “I love yous”

And for the most part, I let him say it first. Because normally by the time he gets around to saying it, I’ve already felt it, but didn’t want to be standing out on “I love you” island alone. I’ll be showing you even if I don’t tell you anyway.

Wings()

September 2nd, 2009
9:30 am

Good Morning All:

Great Topic WD!

Those three words have done more damage to folks than any other words I know!
The operative words are healthy self-esteem. I thank God for a mother and father that showed me what real love is supposed to look like………… not that I didn’t fall for the okey doke, a time or two……….but it wasn’t for long.

I don’t just hear love, I’ve got to feel it (trust and verify). When the words are right and the actions are wrong………none of its right……….someone on here said, I rather have respect than love…….I agree……….if it’s not real…………..you can keep it, I will kindly accept silence.

Question for blogger’s – Do you think the love you felt or did not feel as a child has anything to do with your capacity to show love as an adult?

Make it A great Day!

Deeva4Life

September 2nd, 2009
9:36 am

Good Morning

Love is an action word, therefore if your words do not coincide with your actions then it’s just that…a word. We’ve all heard that we can make our mouths say anything, nontheless, I desire a balance of both…I want to see it and hear it. However, if you aren’t consistent with the balance then it is what it is…a lie. LOL

I only use the word when I truly mean it…the dilemma comes in when others don’t realize there are different types of love and not all love is romantic. I also feel that without God being the center of your life, none of us are capable of that I Corinthians 13 kind of love, therefore we all miss the boat in some fashion…those that believe anyway.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 2nd, 2009
9:38 am

Hmmm…

I may lurk today. Those are three words I take very seriously and have said them to only four women over a long dating career and only one of those was faster than four or five months into a relationship. After having said that, if I say it, I do not need or expect the words to be parroted back to me. I only say it if that is exactly what I am feeling at that exact moment and it is totally separated from the need or desire to hear it back.

And for the record, I have not and will not say it just to sleep with someone. I will leave that to azzholes.

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
9:39 am

Good Morning all

I’m with ARED on this one also… I generally wouldn’t say it first, I would let him confess “the love” first… Not that I don’t take those words seriously, but it’s kind of like ehh… I usually go by the actions of the man. You can tell me you love me but if your actions aren’t aligned with what you are saying I doesn’t make a difference how may I love yous come out of your mouth. I think back in the o’le day it was taken more seriously……

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
9:42 am

And for the record, I have not and will not say it just to sleep with someone. I will leave that to azzholes.

Amen….

Dan

September 2nd, 2009
9:43 am

See that’s never been part of the game (as I was taught).

You just don’t throw about that word [love] haphazardly.

It’s dishonorable, dangerous, and dudes that have EVER done it are LAH in my opinion. It’s just disgusting.

Deeva4Life

September 2nd, 2009
9:44 am

For me, it doesn’t really matter who says it first. If I feel it, I say it and my saying it isn’t contingent upon him saying it back to me. I mean, of course I want him to feel the same way, but I can only be responsible for my feelings…not his. If I say it and he doesn’t say it back or doesn’t feel the same way, I haven’t lost anything by sharing my feelings. Just my .02

Raqi...I am my destiny

September 2nd, 2009
9:47 am

How do you know if someone who says those three words really means it?

Actions and consistency. Period.

My husband and brother both say that every man at one time in his life has used the “L” word to get what he wanted from a woman. They say don’t let anyone try to make me believe differently.
I believe them.

There are guys out there every day shoplifting the puddy, the bank account and getting free room and board all via the “L” word.
The first time my husband said it I just kinda rolled my eyes and thought to myself “yeah, right”. LOL But he eventually proved it and convinced me.

Just don’t say it if you don’t mean it. There are woman out there that don’t need love to give her goods no matter what they may be. Why target the innocent in pretense?

I never said it when I didn’t mean it because I was at one time scared to feel it. Now that does not mean I have never lied to a man to get what I want. But playing with emotions can get you dead.

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
9:48 am

@ Deeva4Life

totally feel you…. but some women (ie: me)…. don’t want to be on that “love raft alone” lol… Even though by the time you’ve reaced that feeling… you can pretty much tell if he’s readinf the same script as you are…. Those words can be beautiful to the “right person” and dangerous to the “wrong person”….

Tiff

September 2nd, 2009
9:48 am

Morning…

I’ve said I love you when I didn’t mean it. Like Ared it was an automatic response to him saying I love you to me. I didn’t mean it and had he noticed the look of utter shock on my face after the words came out of my mouth he would have probably known it. Anyway, he called his dad, aunts, uncles you name it and told them that I said I love you to him. Talk about awkward! That led to a marriage proposal a couple of weeks later that had me confessing the “Oops I didn’t mean to say that” to him. He took it pretty well though. Our relationship died for other reasons, at least on my end.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
9:51 am

Good Morning ALL

Deeva- Your WHOLE post is the TRUTH!!!

Randy- After having said that, if I say it, I do not need or expect the words to be parroted back to me. I only say it if that is exactly what I am feeling at that exact moment and it is totally separated from the need or desire to hear it back. <– REAL TALK!! That is EXACTLY how I feel too!

I could love a person & NOT be IN love with them..

Dan

September 2nd, 2009
9:52 am

@Raqi

I respectfully disagree with that “every man” characterization.

That thought process might be limited by the cats they know, but I wasn’t raised in the game (by family and friends) like that.

Not EVERY man does it.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
9:55 am

Dan- I agree!

Deeva- You are on Your grown woman ish & I love it! You are confident within yourself!!

Raqi- But playing with emotions can get you dead.<– All the time!!

Kym-Over it.

September 2nd, 2009
9:56 am

Good Morning All,

I do not take the use of the word love lightly. In fact, I am quick to question when a guys says I love you..I want to know why. What about me is it that you love? Only three have been able to provide passable answers, and since guys are more about action than words I always look at what the action is related to the use of the word love. I said it here before that when a person says I love you I believe it holds stronger meaning than I am in love with you. In love means you have the potential to fall out of love, love means you are there for the long haul good and bad. I agree..if you don’t mean it, don’t say it.

Melo

September 2nd, 2009
9:59 am

Dont sound like uall in Sunday service this morning…..

yes, i have said it a cple of times either to get the puddy or becoz i didnt necessarily know what “L’ means…thats the dating lyfe and game…
but everybody must know better coz its a jungle out there,everybody is looking out for themeslves and not for u,why u think we have a recession right now? This world aint fair and will never be…no level playing field..its tilted!

U answered the qstion in ur intro..Their actions are not aligning with their proclaimed love for you as evidenced by being constantly inconsiderate of your feelings

so why are u in a conundrum,conflicted and in angst??? Yeah,yeah,yeah,the sexx was good…he put it down be4 u could really make a good assessment,no wonder its hard to leave now…

If u not invested emotionally yet…leaving is very easy…

Always make sure u hold the cards to ur own lyfe.
Unfortunately,most learn that lesson in their late 30s to 40s.

Morning folks…

Leggs

September 2nd, 2009
10:00 am

your body and mind knows it’s really – your body and mind knows it’s real.

Merely speaking the words and not following up with action is akin to proposing and never, ever talking about a wedding. (Maybe not that extreme).

Deeva4Life

September 2nd, 2009
10:01 am

Dream_n, I feel what you’re saying and please don’t take what I’m about to say the wrong way, but when I was younger I cared about that “I love you do you love me, check yes or no” type stuff. Now that I’m older, I care what Deeva feels…period. Now if he starts showing me that we’re not progressing toward something of substance then I know what I need to do for me, but my feelings are valid nonetheless. I’ve loved men that had wonderful traits and taught me things but they weren’t at a place to give me the type of love I desired…I still loved them even if they couldn’t/wouldn’t love me in the same fashion. Get what I’m saying?

Deeva4Life

September 2nd, 2009
10:02 am

Thanks Lioness…I just have to speak from my experiences.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
10:05 am

Kym- I question them too :lol: I said it here before that when a person says I love you I believe it holds stronger meaning than I am in love with you. In love means you have the potential to fall out of love, love means you are there for the long haul good and bad<– Very interesting!

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
10:05 am

@ Deeva4Life
Totally… :) …. SO i gues I have about 7- 17 yrs left to truly feel confident in stating what I feel even if the the outcome is not what I expected….

Deeva4Life

September 2nd, 2009
10:07 am

Dream_n…LOL, umm maybe not that long :)

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:10 am

Okay Dan. You are one of the exceptions.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
10:11 am

Deeva- That 10:01 is on POINT!! I TOTALLY feel you!

Dan

September 2nd, 2009
10:14 am

@Raqi

I’m not.

And that’s what irks me about debates like this. This lazy habit of saying “most guys” or “most women” without qualifying it with “[that I know]“.

One person can’t presume to speak for the entire experience of a gender, ethinicity, or culture. Just like people get upset about the appointed Black leaders, get upset about stuff like this.

Everyone’s experience in this life is different, acknowledging that is the first step to realizing the scope of your own troubles/issues.

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
10:16 am

lol… i hope not…

But in all seriousness.. I definately understand… It’s just slim pickings out there. And I hate playing the “I hope” game…. With no disrespect to the “good men” out there… Most of them out there are, for lack of a better word………. “Blah”

AmazonRed™ - is excited!

September 2nd, 2009
10:17 am

As a woman who would chose “respect” over “love” if I HAD to make a choice, I’m not all caught up in the whole “I love you movement” anyway. Saying it is definitely necessary in my relationship, but it comes secondary to the actions. Cuz a lot of people are loved, but get shytted on daily. So I don’t wait with baited breath for him to say those three words to me.

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:19 am

Dan WTF are you talking about? I posted that 2 men that I know and trust very much told me that every man at one time his life has falsely declared his love for a woman just to get something out of her. You said that you never have therefore what they told me is not true.

I responded Okay you are the exception because you never have and EVERY should not be used.

Then you come back with this fucking statement

@Raqi

I’m not.

And that’s what irks me about debates like this. This lazy habit of saying “most guys” or “most women” without qualifying it with “[that I know]“.

One person can’t presume to speak for the entire experience of a gender, ethinicity, or culture. Just like people get upset about the appointed Black leaders, get upset about stuff like this.

Everyone’s experience in this life is different, acknowledging that is the first step to realizing the scope of your own troubles/issues.

What more do you want? I said okay to you never having said it. I stated what I was told. What evidence can I provide when I don’t know?

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
10:21 am

@ Dan

I totally get where you’re coming from, but you’re not a “woman”. and don’t deal with some of the things we deal with. No I’m not generalizing all men, because my bro is cut from a different cloth. He’s not the type to feed girls lines, he pretty much wears his heart on his sleeve and when he loves he loves hard… I think “we” (women) speak from what we’ve experienced, the bull we’ve had to sift through

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:22 am

WiseDiva are you holding my comment in the bad girl bin this morning?

If so, I am sorry I should not have typed that. I apologize for using that type of language. That is not my usual way communicating. Sorry

Melo

September 2nd, 2009
10:26 am

Raqi, u apologising for what?? :???: saying the truth in ur post?

Kinda Sexy. Extra Cool

September 2nd, 2009
10:28 am

Three Words Daily – Celebrate small triumphs.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
10:28 am

Dream- I feel you BUT you can’t hold onto the ish you have been through cause that is not beneficial to you! Learn from the situ & keep it moving. I think we ALL (male & female) have been through a gang of stuff but how can any of us move on if we are holding onto the negativity we have experienced in the past?

Dan

September 2nd, 2009
10:30 am

@Dream_n

I don’t discount the experience of the ladies, believe me, I have down right scandolous homies.

Thing is, it isn’t about hope, it’s about choice and responsibility. If I keep choosing different versions of the same woman to associate with, at some point that’s on me. It’s about the type of people I let into my life and why.

At the same time, I have to accept the responsibility for my decisions. I can’t blame everyone (of a class, race, or gender) for my issues. I’m not a victim like that. And I truly do appreciate that there are predators and victims out there.

But the latching on to a version of victimhood that has less to do with the dude (or woman) and more to do with the individual’s choice, speaks volumes about a person.

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:31 am

It’s funny how actions speak louder than words but most get more giddy over love being stated than they do from the actions being shown without the verbal declaration.

It’s like a person can be doing every good and right that shows true love in a relationship but their mate still looks to hear it and often will not and do not recognize the love being given without hearing it said.

My husband never has to tell me he loves another day in my life as long as he keeps doing what he is doing. However I like to hear from him every now and again. Saying it does not make it any truer than actions are already confirming but it just beez like that sometimes. The right intimate settings are elevated by those words spoken so delicately and graciously.

Lioness

September 2nd, 2009
10:31 am

Dan- At the same time, I have to accept the responsibility for my decisions. I can’t blame everyone (of a class, race, or gender) for my issues. I’m not a victim like that. And I truly do appreciate that there are predators and victims out there.

But the latching on to a version of victimhood that has less to do with the dude (or woman) and more to do with the individual’s choice, speaks volumes about a person.<– TRUTH!!!!

Kinda Sexy. Extra Cool.

September 2nd, 2009
10:33 am

Yeah, I’ve had a dude say “I love you” to me when I wasn’t feeling it. How do you respond to THAT without sounding condescending?

“Thank you?”

“‘Preshate it.”

“Aw, you’re so (insert sappy word here – e.g. caring, thoughtful, compassionate.)”

or…do ya’ just cue crickets?

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:35 am

Melo I responded to Dan’s 10:14 and I used some hard profanity. I know it got blocked but I know WiseDiva will see it in the moderation bin so I am apologizing to her because she will see.

Like I said earlier I believe what my hubby and brother told me because they have no reason to lie about something like that. But if Dan is the exception then he is. I’m not being lazy by telling him okay. I just don’t see the need to further debate that issue if he says he never has.

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:37 am

“Thank you?”

“‘Preshate it.”

SexyCool those are the two worst responses to get. LOL I would rather a person not even respond than to say Thank you.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 2nd, 2009
10:37 am

@ Raqi …there is at least one (and two assuming Dan is being honest), and I believe, just as Dan, that it is more common than some people think. That, like infidelty, is not all men…it is some, maybe many men.

If a woman experiences this multiple times, it says at least as much about their choices of men, as it does about “all” men. Not being mean, I know it occurs, but just as it is not fair to assume all women are like those women on “Real Housewives”, it is equally true that not all men are lying, cheating ba$tards. I promise.

Kym-Over it.

September 2nd, 2009
10:41 am

@Dan I really like your 10:30am..Now if you could just bottle that in pill form and sell it you would make millions.****INTRODUCING..SUCK IT UP*** THE PILL THAT MAKES YOU STOP FEELING LIKE A VICTIM.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 2nd, 2009
10:44 am

I wrote mine before I saw Dan’s later posts, but am totally on the same page. Is there an epidemic of people who seem to have no soul, no conscience…does seem like it. It still is not eveyone though. Fool that I am, I really want to believe STILL that MOST people are honest.

Dream_n

September 2nd, 2009
10:45 am

@ Kinda Sexy. Extra Cool : Funny….

@ Lioness & Dan

I don’t think its about trying to play the victim… or blaming anyone… There are genuinely women out there who have all the attributes of a perfect woman (i know this is not possible, but go with it lol) but keeps running across losers…. She can’t help that the guy#1 lied to her and was maried, guy# 2 had about 20 girls on stand by guy# 3 was a habitual lier or guy#4 was a “down low brutha”…… These guyz could come from totally opposite ends of the world….. I am by no means generalizing men…. Some women may not have experienced the negative men, but saw it all through their family, from uncles, to grandpas, to brothers, and their own father. I’m just saying that the experiences of some women often enable them from being as open as they’d like to be… and I can’t blame them for that.

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:45 am

But RandyT I didn’t say that they said it was always done in lying or the guy didn’t think that he really felt it at the time. I just said that they both said every man has done it at one time in his life.

One time in his life covers his entire life. If he was 17 when he said it he is still counted as one of the men.

And we all know teenage boys are knuckleheads. My son was forever in love with some gal so I don’t doubt that he was telling those girls, and probably still is, that he loves them because he thinks that what they want or need to hear.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 2nd, 2009
10:50 am

Hey Raqi

I guess for me, it is different and for a different reason. I have commitment issues like most men but it takes a different form perhaps. To me, saying “I Love You” or even sleeping with someone, is not something to ever be taken lightly. For me (and I realize this is me, not others), it is a form of commitment…not forever, but at least for the time. I’m just not going to play with someone else’s emotions for my own gratifiction. It is a personal choice.

Raqi

September 2nd, 2009
10:50 am

I bet I heard some form of “I love you” 1,000 times from the age of 15 to 19.

“If you love me you would”

“This is what couples do when they are in love”

“Girl, you know I love you”

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

September 2nd, 2009
10:54 am

Raqi re: 10:50 I know. I just hated being painted with the same brush. (By the way, thinking about those stockings, have I told ya Baby “You know…” ahhh never mind :-) Know I am just kidding. Maybe if more of the ladies had worn stcokings, I might have fallen into that other group too, lol.