Know when to fold them
Have you ever been in a relationship and you had that “this is it” moment when you realized it was over? It could have been after you found a huge difference between the two of you that you were sure you could not handle. Or perhaps it was their quirky behavior that morphed in to crazy behavior. Sometimes, it’s just the simple realization that you are pretending to be happy, when you are really just happy not to be alone.
When do you decide to end things? What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?
How do you make sure that you aren’t bailing on dating the person for the wrong reasons? When do you know it’s over?
Being on the other side is frustrating too. You know that the person you are dating is acting strange and distant, but you aren’t sure why. Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? How do you know when to hold them and how do you know when to fold them? (Don’t act like I am the only one that loves that song!)
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402 comments Add your comment
Dan
August 27th, 2009
12:08 pm
@Melo
I get that “settle down” question from family, friends, and dates alike. Me being me, I simply state that I’ve yet to find the right woman. If pressed further: see above.
Usually, the look on my face (to those that know me well) says enough after the 2nd or 3rd variation on that theme.
If pressed further though, as politely as I can I state: “How about this? How about we let me be responsible for my life, and you for yours? Can we agree to that?”
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 27th, 2009
12:09 pm
I said earlier and I’ll say it again – I’ll do everything IN MY POWER to make it work. But if he’s not willing or after trying I’m still miserable I’m out. This is me.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:11 pm
Now on topic.. You know its over when youve had enough to get somewhere else. You can say youre done but youre not until you change your situation, meaning get out of the current situation.
I knew my relationship was over before it was over but it was 3 times it slapped me.. When in the lawyers office filing, when in the mediators room fighting over assets and then when the divorce papers were signed.. I realized my EX was selfish but I felt like I could deal with it, but there are moments where I told my friends im out but never left but that one day came and I broke north.. Filed, moved and got a new spot in a week.. Yeah I went and stayed with my parents of all places for a night and a hotel the rest of the week until my place was ready because I had had enough and knew I had to go and I was never coming back.. You will know it when that time comes, no friend, family memeber can tell you.. YOU will know..
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
12:12 pm
Page1908 – you are funny!
Melinda – I agree with your post as well.
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
12:13 pm
@ Page:
Not a valid reason for marriage lol… I’m not “in love ” with him anymore…
It is getting kinda “down”
I HAVE A QUESTION… WHAT WOULD BE A DEAL BREAKER (IN A RELATIONSHIP) THAT YOU WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH?? (besides cheating)
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:13 pm
“you gotta knowww when to hold them..know when to fold them…know when to walk away…know when to run..”
If I really care about a person I will ask “what is going on?” to that person directly….I dont go consulting everyone else…I need to here what is up from her mouth….thats if I care…If my heart is not to deep in it I will just pull back and let it slip away…..no harm no foul…..
Now what gets me is when people so called “fold them” why do they care what the person is doing after the “folding” I mean if you are truly over someone you dont care if they have a new man or new woman..or what their facebook status update is….even if you still make comments or you act a certain way when that persons name is mentioned or you see them..you really havent “folded”
I remember my ex-wife after we divorced..I would see her in Church and she would turn up her face or say something real extra or would talk about me to other folks…I told her she still had feelings for me…she asked why do I think that…I said cuz I can see you say Hello and keep it moving…whereas you have to do something extra and if you were all the way over everything you would not still be acting out in some form or the other….
When you fold them..fold them and dont look back.
Treading Water in Atlanta
August 27th, 2009
12:13 pm
We all have needs and we are each responsible for getting our own needs met. It is no other person’s responsibility but our own.I have been married twice and both times to the wrong person for the wrong reason.
I married the first time because I did not want to go through life alone and she looked good. Found out she used rage and guilt to control others just like she learned from watching her mom as she grew up. She was violent and intimidating too. When I realized I would be happier alone than with a physically attractive psycho bitch I got out. It was a growth experience.
Married a second time a few years later. She looked like a French model. She was perfect.Boy was she perfect. Don’t believe it? Just ask her. Look up the term “self control” on the web and you may see her picture. Found out that the perfect thing included throwing up twice a day after minimal food intake. Also included several hours of mindless exercise so she could wear a size 4 jeans from the little boys department at Macy’s that she told me about with this proud sick smile on her face. Used to get up in the middle of the night and go running 5 miles. The risk didn’t matter.
She ended up without having periods and screwing up her electrolytes to the point that she could not make sense having a normal conversation. She told me I was overweight and unattractive. I was 6 foot tall and 180 pounds. I told her that I could not live up to her expectations and that she deserved better. I gave her a divorce so she could find someone more perfect for her. Good luck.
I have dated some women since and cut them loose, although looking back there were a couple that I should have kept because the chemistry was there and I loved them, but there were minor issues and I was skittish. But perhaps I am better off for letting them go too.
Others were clingers. I could have walked into the room naked with a condom on, a bottle of booze, and a whip and they would not have said a word because they did not want to loose the relationship. Strange needy women.
As I said we are all responsible for getting our own needs met. I know better what I need from a woman now. There needs to be physical chemistry and sexual attraction. I also need a woman with affection, honesty, warmth, kind communication, responsibility, common sense, and a sense of humor. Someone who enjoys fun. Unfortunately there do not seem to be that many of those around.
Mostly I see women who are like adult children, with an overgrown sense of entitlement. They are more interested in the kind of car I drive and where they want me to take them for dinner or on a trip than they are with knowing me as a person or having something healthy and mutually supportive. I blow them off and walk away hoping the other guys do too.
I used to not understand why guys would pay for sex or want a one night stand. Now I know.
I have pretty much given up on the women in Atlanta. I won’t live here that much longer. I’m planning on moving to a smaller town soon. Maybe the women there will be different in a good way. In the meantime I have a dog. She is capable of showing more love, affection, and appreciation than any woman I have ever met.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:14 pm
Sorry about the typos and run ons.. I was hurrying to get a thought out..
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:15 pm
JMS..Good post,Good luck!
Kym
August 27th, 2009
12:15 pm
Sometimes I wonder by the look in youx eyes
When I’m standing beside you there’s a fever burning deep inside.
Is there another in your memory
Do you think of that someone when you hear that special melody?
I always stop and think of you especially
When the words of a love song touch the very heart of me.
There’ll be sad songs to make you cry -Love songs often do.
They can touch the heart of someone new -Saying I love you. I love you
I often wonder how it could be – you loving me -
Two hearts in perfect harmony.I’ll count the hours until that day
The rhapsody plays a melody for you and me.
Until the moment that you give your love to me
You’re the one I care for the one that I will wait for.
There’ll be sad songs to make you cry – -Love songs often do.
They can touch the heart of someone new -Saying I love you.
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
12:16 pm
Im tripping on the people that arent married commenting on marriage. If you havent been married.. Shut up about it you have no advice to give a married person
@ DKMayne– What about a person thats been together 5- 10 years but don’t have the paper…. Should they shut up too lol
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
12:16 pm
INFAMOUS – you said it best, you just know when its time to bail. I remember my ex going out of town and I actually said to my cousin/BFF “if he nevers comes back, never says another word to me I wont be mad or miss him”. I knew then that I was done! I still tried to fight but then one day he said “i’ve already lost you havent I?” Yep.
For Real
August 27th, 2009
12:16 pm
I keep hearing the ladies talk about misery. Give me examples of misery to yall. Yeah even you Grace.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:19 pm
omg that was a longggggggggggggggggg post. *eyes crossed*
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:22 pm
Dan, i grew up in a cultural society thats waay diff that american society.
Its way more pressure over there than here as far as that issue is concerned coz most guys my age wld be getting married.And besides hearing those comments from respected folks of urs, u hear that from other ordanaty folks too, unrelated.Beaing an adult male and a spinister is like being a leper…u kinda get looked down on.
The pressure gets to u so u end up doing what seems natural.
A lot of immigrants who come to the states married end up divorcing coz while here,either the men or women assume a whole different kinda of liberation that they cldnt enjoy while overseas in their countries of birth.
The american dream beckons itself to pple in soooo many diffnt ways!
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:22 pm
ordanaty??
ordinary…..
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:24 pm
@Page- I saw that 5 year thing..you are funny
Hmm I am never friends with an ex- that makes no sense to me…but that just me..either we are all or nothing…
I do think people think that there is always an out when they get married…and that should not be a marriage minded attitude…if you are all in be all in and give your best….I always tell people it’s hard to maintain a marriage or relationship in Atlanta because if you are easily distracted or have no self-discipline..you are in trouble…
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:29 pm
They are more interested in the kind of car I drive and where they want me to take them for dinner or on a trip than they are with knowing me as a person or having something healthy and mutually supportive. I blow them off and walk away hoping the other guys do too
thats there is mature!
Ur last paragraph??,proly an angry rant.
Good luck!
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:30 pm
LOL ok Dream_n, so you had a kid with ole dude, live with ole dude, but shudder at the thought of marriage to ole dude? this what i don’t get.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:31 pm
LOL W8- you might be boo’d up by then, so i guess i don’t have a chance. *sad face*.
Grace
August 27th, 2009
12:31 pm
For Real for me misery is the passing of a love one before their time. Unexpected death is always miserable.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:33 pm
I remember my Grandfather looking at me when he was in the last stages Alzhiemers, like what are you doing even though he didnt know.. Or maybe it was just the shame of it all.. My Grandfather always said a man keeps his family together no matter what.. My family doesnt believe in divorce and when my cousin and I got divorces a few years apart they looked at us real funny..
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:33 pm
If you have had a kid with a man…and been with him for more than three years and living together…I do not think that he will ever be inclined to marry you…but hell you are damn near married already..
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:35 pm
Dream-n – Yeah you should because if dude was gonna marry you he would have, but he doesnt have too because ya’ll live together and ya’ll have a child.. He feels like he got you now.. Sorry but I have to tell you the truth.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:39 pm
Dream-n – also Babe if its this hard now before the marriage.. You are a perfect candidate to end up in divorce court. Again Sorry..
MArriage is not going to magically solve any problems you have. Marriage will magnify them because now you will mos def see the real person.. And if I said once I will say it a thousand times.. These words “But now youre my husband” and “But now youre my wife” are dangerous words. The expectation from those words alone is tremendous.
Dan
August 27th, 2009
12:39 pm
@Melo
I am confronted with “pressure” all the time. I’ve not given in to any presseure thus far in life and won’t now.
When I have expanded conversations about my love life, I gladly tell the person to whom I am speaking that I won’t get married for any reason other than the love of that woman. Won’t be having kids (or trying not to) until I’m married. Thus, finding the woman with whom I choose to settle down with is not an easy task in this “instant gratification” society.
So when people I respect ask that question, they only ask once. Because of the mutual respect (and the expounded answer) they know me well enough to leave well enough alone.
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:39 pm
@Page- If I am single in 5 years..I dont want to be married….I will be living my life to the fullest by myself…thats to old for me to be trying to learn some new woman….playa..playa
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:40 pm
Yep, I agree. Do you know your chances of getting married are slim to none when you live with the dude? of course, this is not “always” the case, but more often than not it is. in my undergrad sociology classes there was a ton of research on this. I agree with W8 and DK at 12: 33 and 12:35.
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:42 pm
….I always tell people it’s hard to maintain a marriage or relationship in Atlanta
Its hard to maintain a marriage,PERIOD and dot!
Atlanta,Havana,New dehli,Paris,Joburg,anywhere.There are more beautiful pple all over in the wrld and those are not the only distractions,mind u.
Marriage is hard work! Dont take it lightly.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
12:42 pm
Page1908 – the situation you mentioned w Dream_n, people do it all the time. Not saying its right but it happens.
Infamous/W8 – I agree with ya’ll
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:43 pm
Move to a place with less distractions..or marry someone from one of those areas…
Hell I know marriage is hardwork..I spent 9 years in one
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:44 pm
lol
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:44 pm
W8- *sad face*. ok. yeah you are kinda gettin up there in age LOL.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:45 pm
Mo- Girl, you know it does happen all the time.
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:45 pm
Let’s play housee..let’s play houseeeee…you can be the momma..i can be the daddy…..”- Nate Dogg
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:46 pm
LOL W8 I used to like that song! I *heart* west coast rap. lol
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:47 pm
@Page- yep I am giving it two more years total..after that it’s a wrap..
Chink
August 27th, 2009
12:48 pm
Since when is marriage some secret society….Plenty examples or good and bad marriages …don’t need to be a genius to figure it out.
Misery – is being with a controlling, selfish, inconsiderate, disrepectful person. Sometimes it takes a while to see this pattern.
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:48 pm
“i just wanna phuuuck you..no kissin and huggin..cuz you got a husband who loves…you…I dont need your quality time…”–Tha Dogg Pound
“ZIIIIPPP!!!”– For Real
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:49 pm
I am confronted with “pressure” all the time
i hear u but this here america is a land where sme kid does sme stupid
in a bus and everybody keeps quiet,outa respect for their rights etc and for fear too.
Not so in those other lands,pple speak up whether its their bizz or not and if u reply in a not so kind way,u may be on the receiving end urslef,the “good” party.If u have never lived in a third wrld cntry be4,then u dont understand the kind of pressure im alluding to.
Here, pple are kind,they dont mess up with ur bizz for the most part.They have “civilized” respect(in a western sense) not to mess in ur bizz.
Third wrld, my friend is not about all that! If u grow up in it, u become part of it, in a way,thats the pressure i mean.
And that may not necessarily be good for u,in the long run.
W8©
August 27th, 2009
12:50 pm
Do any of you with Blackberry’s get sick of that darn “hourglass” when you need to make a call?
Dan
August 27th, 2009
12:52 pm
@Melo
I feel you.
I’m slightly to “American” for the pressure you tombout. They’da murked me at like 8.
NBF
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:52 pm
Marriage really aint about pretty people because most beautiful people are single..
Its about coming together as one and making it happen. Im at a stage where I want a chick who is gonna treat me right. If she’s not deemed as attractive as people are used to, then tough because Im gonna be a smiling hand holding a$$ walking round here. If my babe will put this bread together, live off one income, treat my son as her own, can communicate about anything and she makes my homelife happy then to h3ll what anyone thinks about her because I will love her till the cows come home in the morning.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:53 pm
LOL omg W8- remember when Demi said to you “when i get your age i hope i look as good as you”! omg that was totally rad! huh, huh, huh, huh. lmao.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:54 pm
Chink – Marriage is not a secret society but I will tell you this.. Before I got married I swore to people I would never be divorced because Imma make my marriage work at all costs.. HMph!.. I have to laugh at myself because Marriage is way different than dating. They are not even on the same level period.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
12:55 pm
Well alrighty then INFAMOUS!! ^5!
Marriage is CONSTANT work……
dream_n
August 27th, 2009
12:57 pm
lol @ all the comments b/c noone knows the situation….
1st — I do not want to get married to him.
2nd— Has he brought up the idea of marriage.. YES
3rd– Have I turned it down “YES”
Is he still in love YES amd I still in love NO
There…
I was 18 when we met, not saying when you’re 18 you’re not mature… but i wasn’t thinking about long term… I was happy just having a boyfriend. NOw that I’m older, I realize that I can’t see myself being wife to this man. Anger issues is number 1. It’s easy for people who are not in the situation to comment and say well just get out… so not that easy way more complicated(at the time) Now I feel as though I’ve grown and I’m ready to make ME & my daughter happy. Yeah istakes have been made, but you learn from them and you move on.. Moving in was to give my daughter a foundation of a mother and father, I thought that was the right thing to do. When things didnt get bettr but worst… I realized okay thi didi’t work for us time to for a better plan.
So yes at the end of the day did i make some no so good decisions, “YES”. I think we all have. THe good thing is that we learn and we continue forward on the best path… luv yall though:)
dream_n
August 27th, 2009
12:59 pm
Mann i’m writing so fast i have typo errors lol…
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
1:03 pm
Dream-n – Aint nobody beating you up no one here is perfect.. You did what you thought was right at the time.. However.. You are in a complicated situation but you will know when its time. People used to tell me that all the time, to the point where they didnt want to hear it anymore. Not until I had my Tina Turner moment was I out.. Yeah and dudes can have a Tina Turner moment where dont nothing matter but getting the h3ll on..
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
1:05 pm
Dream_n how old are you now?