Know when to fold them
Have you ever been in a relationship and you had that “this is it” moment when you realized it was over? It could have been after you found a huge difference between the two of you that you were sure you could not handle. Or perhaps it was their quirky behavior that morphed in to crazy behavior. Sometimes, it’s just the simple realization that you are pretending to be happy, when you are really just happy not to be alone.
When do you decide to end things? What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?
How do you make sure that you aren’t bailing on dating the person for the wrong reasons? When do you know it’s over?
Being on the other side is frustrating too. You know that the person you are dating is acting strange and distant, but you aren’t sure why. Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? How do you know when to hold them and how do you know when to fold them? (Don’t act like I am the only one that loves that song!)
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402 comments Add your comment
Chink
August 27th, 2009
11:01 am
I would think so Melo since its a way to get out of any negative confrontation…except we aren’t trying to keep sleeping wit ya.
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:01 am
Ared: I know you are happy being single but there a lot women that are not happy being single that say “I’m okay with being single” but will turn around and say “I just could see myself being ok but not happy”. I wanted the two of yous analysis of that statement.
Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)
August 27th, 2009
11:01 am
You know whats sad is that a lot of people (not all) that I know who are married, wish they weren’t.
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:02 am
Grace: “Never settle for less” – What does that mean?
Melinda
August 27th, 2009
11:05 am
Let me ask a question here… Do people really think once they get married that there are not going to be down times in the relationship? I mean do you go into marriage thinking everything is going to be good all the time? That is why the vows state “In good times and bad, in sickness and health”… cause shiot happens. In all marriages there are times when you think – did I EVER love this person??? Marriage has phases, ups and downs. Those that stick it out – unless there is cheating, cause if there is – games over – are the real winners. I know, I have made mistakes in the past. Many regrets. But this time, I see marriage for what it really is. As long as I meet my husbands needs, I know mine will be met. A good marriage has to be based on you being unselfish….Some people don’t agree with this – but then most of them don’t have good marriages either. You have to eliminate the “I” and substitue “WE”….
AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!
August 27th, 2009
11:05 am
I wanted the two of yous analysis of that statement.
For Real – A lot of people don’t know that there is something better for them out there because they will settle for being where they are. They get knocked up by a “good man” to keep him not realizing that there could be a good man out there that actually wants to marry you too.
I mean, I really have nothing to say about it really. It’s about the person you are within.
People who become millionaires often get that way because they always thought they could be one.
Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)
August 27th, 2009
11:08 am
@ Melo – Yes! Women do it for the exact same reason……….you may be able to re-purpose him.
On the fence...
August 27th, 2009
11:09 am
Perfect timing, as I am mulling over this decision right now. In short, met a great guy 9 mths ago, 3 mths in he lost his job. During the last six months, his health declined, financial woes and unemployment obviously weighed on him and increasingly affected our relationship as some days were better than most, but tense nonetheless. Now, he is back to work, but I feel like I am drained on all that has happened to see if things get back to where they were before life got in the way. Not to mention my own plate is full with work, school and my child. I believe it can be better, but not sure how to put things behind us so we can get back to the “getting to know each other” phase. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful, but be gentle
AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!
August 27th, 2009
11:14 am
I believe it can be better, but not sure how to put things behind us so we can get back to the “getting to know each other” phase
Fence – That part is key there. I don’t know how you can do it either, but it’s worth a try.
Grace
August 27th, 2009
11:14 am
For Real it’s self explanatory….never settle for less regardless of the roadblocks, setbacks, etc. in any aspect of your life. Not only pretaining to relationships.
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:16 am
Ared: Good point but that’s not what I’m asking. Let me try it this way: If you say you can’t see yourself being just “ok” in a relationship but then you say you are “ok” with being single… from a chick’s perspective how are those two statements reconciled?
Melinda: To answer your question: This is the I, My, and Me society that 60’s generation created. In one moment they will spout off about Jesus and then turn around say “it’s all about my happiness”
AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!
August 27th, 2009
11:19 am
If you say you can’t see yourself being just “ok” in a relationship but then you say you are “ok” with being single… from a chick’s perspective how are those two statements reconciled?
For Real – Again, I don’t know. I honesty can not see how that makes any sense from a “chick’s perspective” or anyone elses for that matter.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
11:19 am
Morning All! Great topic!
Wings – agree with your 11:01, I have met more unhappily married people as of late. My sister said that talking to those people is enough to make you not want to get married if you arent strong willed enough.
Grace – never for settle for less regardless….. co-signing that one chica! Regret waiting to surface
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:20 am
OTF: Open your mouth and tell him how tired the past year has made you. Ask him for some relief. A vacation with just the two of you in a quite place.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
August 27th, 2009
11:21 am
@ On the fence … that could have been me 10 or 12 years ago. My wife did the right thing by kicking me to the curb although I sure did not see it that way at the time. When I totally had to deal with life alone, I became smarter, worked harder at improving ME, and learned to be totally self-sufficient in every way. It was the most painful and the most ultimately gratifying period of my life. Back then, I would look in the mirror and frankly had total contempt for what I saw…now I am very comfortble with me. Bottom line is my wife did me a favor “putting me down” (as like a pet with no hope of recovery).
My point is stay if you really, really care, but don’t stay out of pity or guilt. We are all survivors if we have to be.
Melinda
August 27th, 2009
11:23 am
On the fence…
Give yourself a timeline – say 6 more months. Keep a diary and write your thoughts about the relationship down everyday. At the end of those 6 months take your diary out and start from page 1 and read forward. Gage your decision to stay in the relationship based on what you read. Are they mostly happy days or sad? Cause this is what you can base your future with this man to be going forward. When you see the days unfolding in a written form it is so vivid. You can’t deny the written word. This really works…
SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.
August 27th, 2009
11:26 am
For Real – As a single chick, I’m happy. But my happy has nothing to do with being single. It’s because I am a happy person. And I know how to be happy regardless of the state of relationship that I am or am not in.
AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!
August 27th, 2009
11:26 am
Melinda, I am loving all of your post today. You seem very wise. I hope you stick around.
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
11:30 am
GOod Morning All,
This topic is the story of my life,
I’m currenttly in a relationship that I just want to give up on (and kinda has). We have a child together and we live together. In the beginning (of course) it was beautiful. We got along and everything was so cut and sweet. Then the ‘REAL’ him came out.. This guy has a temper out of this world! He will blow up for small things. For the past 2 1/2 yrs I’ve been dealing with this “attitude” and frankly i’m sooo tired of it. I dread coming home from work, b/c I have to actually be around him. I haven’t touched him in almost 5 months. Theres no intimacy.. of course he tries, but I just don’t have that kinda love for him anymore to go there. He’s broken things called me names.. you name it. Do I still love him “YES” and I in love with him “NO”. Its time to go….:(
Ms. Main
August 27th, 2009
11:33 am
Page1908 If I do agree to the let’s be friends thing, I say “oh ok”, then I just delete them and never take any of their calls.
Almost for the sake of seemingly being a big girl and taking high road but not really.
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
11:33 am
I always say.. I’m not married to this guy… I’m too young to b feeling like my life is over… “This shouldn’t be my life right now….
SexyCool - Back to being Water.
August 27th, 2009
11:34 am
Y’all are depressing as hell this morning. Y’all fckn up my bliss.
Lighten up. Lighten up.
JMS
August 27th, 2009
11:34 am
I realized a relationship could not continue when I met my then boyfriends boyhood friend, after dating about 2 years his friend came down to visit with his girlfriend, the problem was, he was still married. I had previously met him and his wife…so that was not going to fly with me… it was a very uncomfortable weekend. His wife was lovely and the girlfriend looked like a hooker, tight, short clothing, and 3 inch nails, dyed platinum hair, just awful. When I told my boyfriend that I did not want to be party to his friends double life, he agreed that it was awkward. I let it go thinking that would be it, not so… a few months later they came down again, and the result of me telling my then boyfriend how uncomfortable I was with the situation, I was left high and dry and he went off with his friends to the lake for the weekend… I knew I did not want to socialize with that behavior and if we were to marry that would be a huge stumbling block. That was when I knew it would not work and the relationship died a natural death shortly after that. I think he knew it too there was not room for that friend and me in his life, as this was a friend he had had for 20 years… we had only been dating about 2 years… about a year later we met up and he said that he had always thought we would get married…. I was very surprised, as I felt he had made his choice, our parting was friendly, and from past experience I knew that this would be a problem that would not go away. Sadly many younger people are too caught up in the moment to take a step back and look long term at dating, friends and family situations that might be harmful to the long term relationship. My husband whom I met shortly after that parting, has wonderful friends that I can totally embrace, and I have grown not only to like but love and respect. You cannot control people or who they chose to be friends with, it important to know that, and I am glad I had the experience to recognize that at the time and accept it, instead of trying to change the situation I found a situation that was better suited to my needs and expectations.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 27th, 2009
11:36 am
Amred- Just read your 10:47. I can’t speak for Melo, but it looks like it was more than boredom that made him leave. There are times when you just don’t feel it for a person and the fact that you are married does not make it so. People on the outside say it’s wrong and that you should stick it out, but if you try and it does not get better – well how long should you stay? After all the praying and counseling and talking – when is it “acceptable” to society that it just is not going to work? I don’t know, just throwing that out. I TOTALLY get that everything is not always going to be a bed of roses in a marriage and that feelings ebb & flow.
I don’t take marriage or the vows lightly. If I actually was serious enough about this person to marry them, beyond the obvious like abuse or cheating, I’m going to do everything I can to make it work. But I can’t do it alone. If the other person is not willing then…..
The whole “not having divorce as an escape clause” mindset, that you stay regardless, does not sit well with me. It feels suffocating. The idea that I am in something miserable that I can’t get out of, or that the other person is miserable with me, is probably what has kept me from getting married in the past. It may not seem right to others, but it’s how I feel and I confessed it on here before. The guy I am with now – the thought of marrying him does not bring on that suffocating feeling, so that’s how I know he may be the ONE.
I’m just not real impressed with longevity in a marriage if one or both were miserable most of the time. But that’s me.
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:37 am
Grace: Examples please….
Ared: Thanks I can’t either
Scool: I’m not talking about your state, I’m talking about the statement “I not ok with being just ok in a relationship” but then turn and say “I’m ok with being single”. I don’t understand…
Melinda: I understand your point but when people are tired or have doubt about something they tend to focus on cause. Kinda like eating steak but telling yourself over and over it’s chicken. After a while it becomes chicken.
Ms. Main
August 27th, 2009
11:38 am
JMS Not much left to be desired if your (then) boyfriend condoned that sort of behavior huh? Makes you wonder about their ethics.
AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!
August 27th, 2009
11:40 am
I’m just not real impressed with longevity in a marriage if one or both were miserable most of the time. But that’s me.
kimmie – I’m not either. And you shouldn’t be miserable most of the time. But there will be down periods. Some of them may last for years.
Yes, you don’t feel that your guy suffocates you now, but you could one day. Is that when you go looking for the out even after all these years of happieness?
For Real
August 27th, 2009
11:43 am
Lighten up. Lighten up. here you go:
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal…
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, ” Can you help me point my penis” ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, ” Hey! I’m grabbing it right”? ” So I should look, I have a right”!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. ” What the hell is wrong with it ?”
The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but, I ain’t touchin’ it either.”
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
11:44 am
@ kimmie
totally agree with you… I’vw always said when I get married, I want to get married one time and only 1 time, but what if it doesn’t work… should I be force to stay in the realtionship when I’m literally miserable every day… I say NO… Relationships are complicated whether it be between you and your SO or friends or family. It all depends on what you want to deal with. I’d reather be happy with 3 “good” people in my life than 20 people that make my life a living hell!!!
Grace
August 27th, 2009
11:44 am
For Real are you serious? You’ve got to be kidding!
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
11:47 am
@ Amazon R– So how long is the “down period” to last until you do say enough is enough??? Do you stay unhappy for 5 10 or even 20 yrs b4 its okay to be happy…. just askin?
SexyCool - Back to being Water.
August 27th, 2009
11:47 am
Well, hell, For Real – that’s MY answer to the question.
As to “not being okay with okay” in a relationship, sometimes, all you get to be is “okay”. Deal with it – much the same way you’re dealing with being “happy” single although you would welcome the right relationship.
Besides, happiness is personal. It’s from the inside out. Just be it. And don’t let anybody fck it up. IF they are, move on. Follow your bliss.
Now, dammit, I’m mad about y’all not being happy or okay or whatever the hell it is y’all are right now.
~laughing~
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
11:48 am
Kimmie – I am co-signing your post wholeheartedly. I remember going through my divorce and thinking “is this right, am I bailing on my marriage?” However one thing is true (my mother said this), only you and your spouse know what is really going on and everyones dealbreakers arent the same. So to sit back on the sidelines and tell someone “you should stay/work it out”…cant do it. Now Im not saying I would ecourage someone to leave however I wouldnt be forcing my opinion on them as to what to do. Staying for the sake of vows/kids/money isnt going to save your marriage if neither or one party isnt willing.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
11:49 am
Ms. Main- well, true. the reason why i just say “oh ok” and agree to it is because it really doesn’t matter to me. i do it for the sake of arguing because i don’t like arguing, and i am soooo not a confrontational person.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 27th, 2009
11:52 am
SCool – yeah can we lighten the mood please!! LOL!
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
11:52 am
Mo- I agree with your 11:48.
*I’m sooo blah again today*.
Melinda
August 27th, 2009
11:52 am
For real….
Our society has become one that puts marriage in the same category as buying shoes. Wear a pair out and buy another. Sometimes you don’t even have to wear them out – just decide you no longer like the fit. I am really not sure why people sometimes bother to marry at all. They certainly don’t have the stick to it values that make a marriage work. I recently asked a friend of mine “Why are you getting married”? Her answer – cause I am getting older and no one else is asking… OMG… Her opinion is also that if it doesn’t work out and MEET HER NEEDS, she will just give him the boot. Disturbing on all levels. But this is a real mindset for a big group of people out there. I certainly don’t have all the answers and would never tell someone else what fits in their lives but it certainly is interesting to study human nature with regards to marriage. What makes it work and what doesn’t…
Melo
August 27th, 2009
11:54 am
but I think once you’re married you gotta find ways to make it work, especially if there isn’t cheating or violence going on
i believe that too,that a marriage has to be workd out,no matter how hard things look.
Even my marriage now is wrk,its not bliss eveday.
This one was diffrent.I was not mature enough,mentally, for marriage.I wanted the single lyfe more,i wasnt done yet with singlehood!
To be honest,when i got married,it was more becoz i was 28/29, my society considers guys that age to be ready, and i was frequently getting those qstions eve time i met smebody i regarded an elder in my fam,auntie or uncle,grandpa/grand uncle,”when do u settle down,when are u getting married?. I had a decent glfriend so marriage seemed a logical next step and i did it.Not so fast!
Thats why doing stuff becoz u wanna do it i.e. marriage, is so important.
Dont do it for any other reasons or other pple.Do u.
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
11:56 am
SC- when you got divorced did the dude try to take any of your money or did u try to take his?
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
11:57 am
LOL @ “because I am getting older and no one else asked”. omg omg.
Dream_n
August 27th, 2009
11:58 am
@ Melinda,
I just don’t think people hold marriage in the same regard as they did “back in the day” which is sad… Marriage is sacred is is not to be taken lightly.. the vows are to be taken seriously… Now a days… it tends to be more for money… kids… or just b/c people like the thought of getting married ie: the cake, the dress,the reception hall, the party, honeymoon…… Its krazy.. When/If I get married I “hope” it’s forever:)
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
11:58 am
W8 said he was gonna marry me in 5 years *if” I am still available. LOL *shrugs*.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 27th, 2009
11:59 am
But there will be down periods. Some of them may last for years.
Yes, you don’t feel that your guy suffocates you now, but you could one day. Is that when you go looking for the out even after all these years of happieness?
Amred – I can get that there will be down periods. There may be money, job, relationship issues, sickness, kid issues, etc. Life. I feel I got the strength to roll up my sleeves and fight to the end – if I really LOVE that person. But no, I don’t see me dealing with YEARS of NOT LOVING a man. I’m not talking a normal ebb & flow either. No. It would be the icing on the cake if we have to deal with other life issues.
This is me. I know me, when I love, I love hard. So when it’s gone it’s really gone.
Again I may have a mindset about relationships and marriage that may be a little unorthodox to some, but it’s how I feel. I’ve never married, but been in a loveless relationship that lasted years and why I stayed, I don’t know. I know a few people in marriages like that. The thought of being “trapped” in a marriage like that is terrifying to ME.
SexyCool - Back to being Water.
August 27th, 2009
12:00 pm
Page – when I got divorced, I was 25. He was 26. We didn’t have any money. *LOL*
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:01 pm
Dream_n why didn’t u get married to ole dude? u have a kid together and live together.
Kym
August 27th, 2009
12:01 pm
Mannnn the sun is shining..why in the world is it raining on the blog..
Page1908
August 27th, 2009
12:03 pm
LOL SexyCool. What? no money? I thought u would have at least $____k between the two of you. lol rofl.
Melo
August 27th, 2009
12:04 pm
And to add Ared, in my current marriage, im more inclined to want to wrk things out if smething is bugging me coz i know this is what i really want.
So therefore,the reaon to want to sort things out is there becoz im really signed for the long whole.
‘Small’ stuff dont bother me coz my value system is elevated.
Compelling
August 27th, 2009
12:05 pm
Lol @ Kym. This makes me want to put on some Marvin Gaye. I guess this topic is a sad one.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 27th, 2009
12:05 pm
Mayne Im tripping on the people that arent married commenting on marriage. If you havent been married.. Shut up about it you have no advice to give a married person.