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Know when to fold them

Have you ever been in a relationship and you had that “this is it” moment when you realized it was over? It could have been after you found a huge difference between the two of you that you were sure you could  not handle. Or perhaps it was their quirky behavior that morphed in to crazy behavior. Sometimes, it’s just the simple realization that you are pretending to be happy, when you are really just happy not to be alone.

When do you decide to end things? What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?

How do you make sure that you aren’t bailing on dating the person for the wrong reasons? When do you know it’s over?

Being on the other side is frustrating too. You know that the person you are dating is acting strange and distant, but you aren’t sure why. Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? How do you know when to hold them and how do you know when to fold them? (Don’t act like I am the only one that loves that song!)

402 comments Add your comment

Melinda

August 27th, 2009
10:18 am

Timing is EVERYTHING. I had been in a relationship for 7 years. A great friendship but the romance had gone away. Far, far away. I procrastinated for way too long. When I finally decided to say “Let’s be friends”, he tells me he has Prostate Cancer. Well how do you end it at that point? Being the good person I am, I stay in it. Then at the end of his prostate treatments, he is diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and given max 2 years to live. So here again, how do you walk out on someone that needs you so badly? Looking back I know I could not have left him during his time of need…but then again at times I sure do feel like I wasted precious years on someone that I had long been over emotionally. In the end, I met the most wonderful man because of all the circumstances and we have been married for 6 years. I guess good deeds do get rewarded…..

Professor

August 27th, 2009
10:20 am

@Andy, I will say this it is a blessing and a curse. I remove emotions such as “love” and look at facts when I make a decision. My sister mentioned this to me a few weeks ago, she said, “You are not like most people you remove emotions and do what is right.” I guess that is why most people think I am a stoic, although I care, love, and feel passion at the end of the day I can make the right decision.

@Ms. Main…thanks.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:20 am

LOL ARed- FB is a real trip!

Chink and others- How do you know if the person is “worth it” to stick around?

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:22 am

Andy – You cannot maintain LOVE in a screwed up situation. Most often, people don’t stay for LOVE. They stay out of habit, co-dependency, financial concerns, the kids, a skewed sense of loyalty.

In the end, really, What’s love got to do with it?

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:22 am

Melinda- wow, that’s a sad story, but I do not like the “let’s be friends” conversation. I honestly feel that is just a way to “try” to end things nicely. I say “no thanks” to that.

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:24 am

Andy I think for experiences posted, love being a part of the equation should be a given. I for one, don’t really take pride in spinning fruitless wheels. But that’s just my take.

andy

August 27th, 2009
10:24 am

I meant I do not see LOVE in this discussion.

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:24 am

Oh, one more, people stay because of fear.

Professor

August 27th, 2009
10:25 am

@Melinda, I have an associate that divorced his terminally ill wife. He later mentioned to me that all of that sickness and in health…richer or poorer should be taken out of the vows and if he remarried he would write his own vows. Simply put, during her illness, she drained him…after all of those years, children, memories and all he divorced her stating that he needed his own sanity.

Compelling

August 27th, 2009
10:25 am

@ Professor- I guess we’re alike in the way that we don’t trouble people for assistance. I usually try to do it all myself and only when I really need it will I ask for help. I also used to have friends that I treated with a long-handled spoon, but it got tiring and I had to cut them off. Plus, they weren’t doing much for themselves and like the old saying goes, why am I running with turkeys when I’m meant to soar with eagles? (It’s corny as all get out, but hey it makes sense, lol)

@Ms Main- Avoiding him was probably for the best, I mean it’d just be awkward to make small talk.

@ARed- I agree. DELETE! It’ll be the best thing she could do for herself.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
10:25 am

Page – You and me both with the “friends” thing! Can’t do it! Got plenty friends already with no complications!

SCool – What’s love got to do with it? – You said a mouthful right there!

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:25 am

Andy Better yet, I think love is the assumption and then you later find out…what’s love got to do with it…lol

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:26 am

Page – I say all the time, “We can CALL it friends, but we really don’t have to BE friends.”

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:28 am

CompellingMs Main- Avoiding him was probably for the best, I mean it’d just be awkward to make small talk.

Righteo.

Melo

August 27th, 2009
10:29 am

Did any of your friends put you down for leaving a “perfectly nice” woman for “no reason”?

Kimmie,thanx.
This is the conundrum that most pple face when they are deciding to divorce or end a relationship..what are the pple close to them gon say?
For me yes,i had pple looking at me side-ways etc and trying to give me guidance but i was not having none of that..i was selfish in a good way..taking care of me!
It helped.

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:31 am

We can sit here and debate the LOVE aspect of a relationship all day long.

The truth is – when disconnects happen in relationships, the love is not nurtured. Un-nurtured love dies. When the love dies, the reasons that you stay have nothing to do with that emotion for that person.

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:31 am

MelindaIn the end, I met the most wonderful man because of all the circumstances and we have been married for 6 years. I guess good deeds do get rewarded…..

Albeit a lot of years, a great story with the experience of loving someone for their sake and beyond your own needs. That’s commendable indeed.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:31 am

Kimmie- ^5. I mean, for me, it’s hard to back pedal and go from a relationship or lovers to just friends. To me, the “friends” title is just a default because the relationship didn’t work.

SC- are you talking about booty calls with the person?

Professor

August 27th, 2009
10:33 am

@Melo I thought of you this morning and giggled when I saw Diane Sawyer on GMA.

BTW sometimes you have to be selfish and take care of you if you are no longer happy and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

Kym

August 27th, 2009
10:33 am

This topic is dreary. Here how about you just play this song..they will get the hint.

There problem is all inside your head she said to me..the answer is easy if you take it logically.
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free there must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
She said it really not my habit to intrude
Futhermore I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued but I’ll repeat myself a the risk of being crude there must be fifty ways to leave your lover. Fifty ways to leave your lover.

You just slip ou the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free.
Hop on the bus, Gus You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free.

Chink

August 27th, 2009
10:34 am

Page – How do you know if the person is “worth it” to stick around? Good Question! I haven’t been there yet. My current SO is the best thing that happened to me but he might surprise me one day and how will I react..I want to go for the long haul and I am just hoping for no surprises that can change my views of him!

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
10:34 am

i was selfish in a good way..taking care of me!

Melo – I can totally appreciate that – and you know, you took care of HER too, by setting her free to find her true happiness! While I appreciate my friends concern(my family KNOWS me & what I will & won’t take) – at the end of the day its all about me. I’m the one that will have to deal with this person, not them!

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:35 am

Page – Not at all.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
10:36 am

Kym – Love that song!

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:37 am

So far, I like 3 dudes right now.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 27th, 2009
10:37 am

I think the biggest sign I have experienced telling me it is time to leave is when the woman ends it…always a red flag that something is wrong, lol.

Grace

August 27th, 2009
10:37 am

Andy love is in the equation I loved him but I love myself even more, no need to stay when love has walk out the door.

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:38 am

To me, the “friends” title is just a default because the relationship didn’t work.

True true and true.

Sometimes, I actually probably could be but I fell like I’m “giving” you one so no, I shut the door and keep moving. Guess for me it’s a pride thing.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:39 am

Chink- that’s good. I guess I am just wondering about that because I think we all think we are “worth it” but to the other person, maybe not.

Question for the ladies- how long would you date a dude before you decide to fold?

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 27th, 2009
10:40 am

In the end one thing is a reality as much as we try to fight it…

“if is not right for both, it is not right for either”.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 27th, 2009
10:42 am

The dilemma with how “love” plays in to this is that all it takes to fall in love is a pulse. It is the easy part. Staying in “love” is the hard part.

Chink

August 27th, 2009
10:42 am

I always believed that love doesnt make you stay…there were a couple of guys I loved but left. It was the hardest thing to do but I just didn’t think me being miserable to be in love was worth it.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:43 am

Ms. Main- ^5. it;s funny because I find that dudes like to use the “let’s be friends” title when they no longer want a commitment, or never wanted one in the beginning, but yet, they still want to spend time with you, have s3x, and everything else. no thanks!

AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!

August 27th, 2009
10:47 am

Melo – I feel your post. Did any of your friends put you down for leaving a “perfectly nice” woman for “no reason”? That’s what urks me to no end – folks think you “owe” it to a person to stick it out and be miserable!

kimmie – Who knows though. Maybe without the “out” clause (divorce), melo would have been forced to find ways to rekindle the romance.

I mean, I always get thrashed by the divorcees on here, but I think once you’re married you gotta find ways to make it work, especially if there isn’t cheating or violence going on.

I’m just saying, my grandparents, who are very much in love, wouldn’t have made it 62 years if they left when they got bored.

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 27th, 2009
10:49 am

Good Morning Bloggers:

@ ARED – your first post was right on the money!

Like many of you, I ‘ve been on both sides of the equation and although in some cases, it was difficult, I have never regretted a relationship that was not meant to be. I’m not one to stand in the way of love and if he can find it somewhere else……………go in peace………be happy because I want the same consideration.

I’m not gonna say “I gotta big EGO”, but it damn sure is in tact………lol

How do you know when it’s over?

Like my momma said to me about a cheating mate, “You might not be the first one to acknowledge it, but baby, you will be the first one to know”………….trust your gut!

Melinda

August 27th, 2009
10:50 am

Professor and Page 1908….

I think there are just times in life that you have to put the needs of others above your own happiness. His need was greater than mine at the time. We all have different character types. Some people can hang with a loved one during a serious/terminal illness and others can’t. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I abandoned someone in their time of need. I have to look in the mirror everyday and see who I really am. But I know people who have walked out on a sick spouse. Can’t seem to find a reason good enough to do that to someone else. But then again, when I am in a relationship, the other person always comes first. As far as being “Friends”..Even if we had broken up we would have truly stayed friends – because we were that most of all anyway.

Melo

August 27th, 2009
10:51 am

dudes like to use the “let’s be friends” title when they no longer want a commitment, or never wanted one in the beginning

Page,its not a genuine Friend Request.
Dudes do that becoz they have smewhat of a guilty conscience,knowing the feelings that engulf most chics esp when u 2 have sexxed and frolicked but he decides to end it.Thats a “sooth u” kinda mechanism,to make u feel better.I doubt it actually does but thats the rationale.
And then again,dudes want that booty as a “spare tire” kinda thing,so if u are the Friend and u have gon there in the past,the thinking is,if he presses u for some more, u may relent.
:oops: I gave away a MLB play! :lol:

For Real

August 27th, 2009
10:51 am

Ared/Prof: “I just could see myself being ok but not happy. LIke a job you work cause you pay the bills. I refuse to be in this situation, but people will tell you you’re wrong for not settling for it.” – How does this same logic apply to those that say “I’m okay with being single”?

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:51 am

My real estate agent invited me to a party at her house where there is gonna be a Body Magic party. It’s supposed to be wayyy better than Spanx, but ummmm I don’t know. I always get leery of going to parties where they have some kind of presentation because usually they want you to buy something. smdh. *shrugs*

Chink

August 27th, 2009
10:52 am

I think once you’re married you gotta find ways to make it work, especially if there isn’t cheating or violence going on.

I AGREE. You take a vow and I think that should be taken seriously.

AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!

August 27th, 2009
10:53 am

@Andy, I will say this it is a blessing and a curse. I remove emotions such as “love” and look at facts when I make a decision. My sister mentioned this to me a few weeks ago, she said, “You are not like most people you remove emotions and do what is right.” I guess that is why most people think I am a stoic, although I care, love, and feel passion at the end of the day I can make the right decision.

Professor – I am the exact same way.

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 27th, 2009
10:54 am

@ Randyt – That’s why growing love is so important…………..I always weary when someone falls head over heals too fast………

Grace

August 27th, 2009
10:54 am

Never settle for less

You can create results or you can make excuses. It’s much more fun and fulfilling to create the results you have chosen to create.

The opportunities are always there. Your job is to seize them and work them into real, meaningful achievements.

Always, there are challenges. And always, there are ways to successfully move through those challenges.

Whatever you can envision, you can achieve. Sure, there are plenty of excuses for not doing so, and yet there are also plenty of ways to make it happen.

The purpose of your magnificent life is not to merely endure. There are wonderful, unique treasures that only you can create.

Fulfillment of your authentic purpose is worth every effort. Never settle for less from yourself/for yourself than the absolute best.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:55 am

Melo- I agree with you, which is why i don’t like it. I mean, asking me if i wanna be friends doesn’t make me feel better.

Chink

August 27th, 2009
10:55 am

Melo…I have said “maybe we can be friends” also it usually doesn’t pan out well because they want all or nothing …

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 27th, 2009
10:56 am

@ MELO – women use that same line “lets be friends”. lol

For Real

August 27th, 2009
10:56 am

Melinda: I bet your story gives your husband great comfort. There are no accidents in life.

AmazonRed™ - is a flight risk!

August 27th, 2009
10:57 am

How does this same logic apply to those that say “I’m okay with being single”?

For Real – Why are you asking me. I’m not okay with being “just okay.”

I’m not okay with being single, I’m happily single.

Melo

August 27th, 2009
10:58 am

Wings, do they use it for exactly same reasons like guys??

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
10:58 am

If I do agree to the let’s be friends thing, I say “oh ok”, then I just delete them and never take any of their calls. lol