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Know when to fold them

Have you ever been in a relationship and you had that “this is it” moment when you realized it was over? It could have been after you found a huge difference between the two of you that you were sure you could  not handle. Or perhaps it was their quirky behavior that morphed in to crazy behavior. Sometimes, it’s just the simple realization that you are pretending to be happy, when you are really just happy not to be alone.

When do you decide to end things? What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?

How do you make sure that you aren’t bailing on dating the person for the wrong reasons? When do you know it’s over?

Being on the other side is frustrating too. You know that the person you are dating is acting strange and distant, but you aren’t sure why. Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? How do you know when to hold them and how do you know when to fold them? (Don’t act like I am the only one that loves that song!)

402 comments Add your comment

Dan

August 27th, 2009
8:48 am

Good morning,

This happened to me recently. I remember telling a friend “there’s a space there that shouldn’t be there” when we were together. To even notice it, I knew the end was near.

But stubborn as I is, I waited it out. Determined not to sabotage something for what could’ve been nothing.

Raqi...Sleepless in Atlanta

August 27th, 2009
8:51 am

Yes I have folded and I’ve been folded.

My relationship with the Nature Guy was drawn longer than it should be. It took about 3 months for me to end it after I decided I wanted to end it, which was about 6 months after I knew it should end.

I have been folded a couple of times. One time in particular it was not a relationship type thing yet, well neither was the other, but the guy and I were dating and I could sense he wasn’t quite all there yet he stated he was good. I heard one last I’ll call you tomorrow, followed by the usual kiss on the cheek and I never heard from or saw him again.

Professor

August 27th, 2009
9:02 am

It’s a beautiful morning!

Diva, I love that song too, so you are not alone. However that song “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” comes to mind as well. Whether you have “lost that loving feeling” or the other person is not feeling you it is difficult to get out sometimes.

I am weird when it comes to breakups, I can recall two relationships where things were going good and my intuition (out of nowhere) started to think about the end. There were no pivotal moments or actions, nor did I have an epiphany I just knew time was up.

Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? The old me used to wait and let the guy break it off. The person I am today will break it off. If I am unsure I ask my questions and go from there…

Saint Simons

August 27th, 2009
9:04 am

(((((45 42))))) hahahahahahaha

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
9:07 am

Morning all!

I’m constantly evaluting myself and the people who surround me. My happiness is priority #1, so if something is bringing me down, I’m cutting it loose.

When December hits, I start narrowing down who is not going to be coming with me into the new year. It also helps that my birthday is also in December, so I’m making cuts all around.

I knew my relationship with my ex wasn’t going in the direction I wanted. And I knew he wasn’t going anywhere, he was fine with the way things are. I had established my “bailout plan” months prior. Didn’t matter that everyone thought it should have happened sooner, there were things I needed in place before I could let go. But I knew when I let go, there was no turning back. No “what ifs” or “but maybe if I tried…” The time gave me clarity to see my relationship for what it was, or wasn’t. In any case, no regrets…and no lingering doubts either.

Raqi...Sleepless in Atlanta

August 27th, 2009
9:11 am

When you get to the point that you don’t look forward to seeing your S/O it’s probably time to call it quits. Or at least admit the problem, address it and try to see how and/or if things can be made better.

When you are married or cohabiting and you dread or don’t look forward to going home at the end of the day, there’s a problem.

When the communication lines have completely died, that’s buzzer on the machine. Time to fold.

Page1908

August 27th, 2009
9:15 am

ARed- I better not get cut!LOL My bday is in December too, so i can relate to what you are saying.

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
9:18 am

ARed- I better not get cut!LOL

Ms Celie – Do you plan to stop cooking or something? :lol:

The Truth

August 27th, 2009
9:18 am

How sad Amazon Red about your relationship yet I say this with a different intent. You said “I’m constantly evaluating myself and the people who surround me.” How sad that you either trust no one at any time or you are constantly analyzing people to the point that you have no chance to find true happiness.

That is what happened in my last relationship. I was dating an ‘analyzer’ who was always evlauating me and what I was doing. No matter what I did (and I did everything I could to make her happy) I was constantly being measured to the point I felt I was walking on eggshells. Life is meant to be enjoyed not under advisement or critiqued and you will realize life is to short if you keep this up.

Relationships are a work in progress and the man upstairs has given you common sense and a gut feeling system that if you follow it, you will be right most of the time. So quit the analyzing and give someone a chance…you might be surprised and I know a lot happier.

And yes, I am back on the marketplace trying to find my right one as well. No self-help books and no critiques, I am going to trust my gut and just go with the flow….

Kym

August 27th, 2009
9:20 am

Good Morning All,

I love that song Wisey!

How do you make sure that you aren’t bailing on dating the person for the wrong reasons? When do you know it’s over?

If it does not feel right..then letting go is the right reasons. If something is missing you know it and there is no reason to keep going.

Do you bring it up or wait for the person to break it off? For me I am going to bring it up. Even if it is an answer I don’t want to hear..hurt me now, hurt me later..lets get this over with.

Off-Topic..If you know nothing about football why in the hell would you jump in a convo about football? Some people’s children I tell ya.

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
9:20 am

that’s buzzer on the machine. Time to fold.

I like that. :lol:

Dan

August 27th, 2009
9:25 am

@the Truth

I doubt that you are the same Truth that uses that moniker because of this phrase “the Man upstairs”…..

[...] the original: Know when to fold them | Misadventures in Atlanta This entry is filed under Dating, Dating in Atlanta. You can follow any responses to this entry [...]

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
9:27 am

How sad Amazon Red about your relationship yet I say this with a different intent. You said “I’m constantly evaluating myself and the people who surround me.” How sad that you either trust no one at any time or you are constantly analyzing people to the point that you have no chance to find true happiness.

Truth – I think you took that one too literally. Basically, if I find anything bringing me stress or unhappiness, I find the source and eliminate it…period.

Actually, it’s quite easy for me to be happy. Cuz I live my life to the fullest and don’t think for a second that I should allow for any mistreatment.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
9:28 am

Good morning peeps!

Okay, I know this is not OUR The Truth, because he referred to the “man upstairs”. Nuff said!

On topic – What if you don’t have a solid explanation to break up, you ask? Why do you need one? What is solid? “I’m just not feeling you/this” is solid enough in my book. Sometimes things can be going “fine”, but you just don’t have that loving feeling that you ought to have when you’re romantically entagled. You might care for them greatly as a friend, but anything more is just not there. You can’t make it so. Better to cut your losses.

I’ve been here and it’s awful, especially when the person is nice and really has not “done” anything bad to you. I owe it to myself and the other person to end it. We both deserve happiness. I’ve stayed in a few relationships way past the expiration date and I’ll never do that again. Waste precious time.

Bruce

August 27th, 2009
9:29 am

Well I have been folded and folded on like most people. But one time I got folded on it really hurt. Cause I really liked her and I thought she licked. But I just notice the phone calls came less and less frequent, and then the emails stopped. I kept asking like is something wrong she just always claimed she was busy. So I just stopped calling and she didn’t call me so it was over I guess. But what really hurt was like 4 months later. She tells me that she was dating a guy that stayed hours away and that she was pregnant by him. It felt like she took out my heart and punted it. I have folded on someone. It wasn’t like anything she did. I just could see myself being ok but not happy. LIke a job you work cause you pay the bills. That was her. And I wanted someone I was passionate about. So I did what I had to.

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
9:31 am

No, it’s not the same Truth. This other one has posted before. I thought this one was married tho.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
9:33 am

Kym – To your off-topic question, I don’t know if you saw my rant later on in the day yesterday about my know-it-all buddy. She will argue you down about something and be as wrong as a copper nickel! It seems to be getting worse, cause a coworker told me yesterday he had 3 arguments with her in a 24 hr period about cars. He’s just about a car expert and her knowledge of them is well… you know the rest!LOL!! Folks have just started letting her have it (the last word) and shaking their head, walking away. She has not noticed yet.

Professor

August 27th, 2009
9:33 am

@Ared I am an analyzer as well, and I like to measure things. How do you know if something is working if you are not measuring results and looking at what you have? For the most part I try not to analyze my friends just the interaction and how I feel about the relationship. If they drain me for no reason…GONE…if they keep drama and need advice…GONE…if I am the smartest person they know…GONE. I am a December baby as well. Intelligent people are always doing some type of analysis…that is the only way we can become a master thinker.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 27th, 2009
9:35 am

@When do you decide to end things? What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?

For me, it seems like its more of small things building up and everything just comes to a hault before I am ready to end things…like she may have done the smallest thing…kept you waiting for 15 extra minutes without calling etc and I just want to FIRE her! But also, I am real with myself and know I am really bad about breaking things off. I guess its that eternal guilt on my part. Sometimes things just fade away with no one making a clear resolution. I do hate when they start acting wierd for no reason then you have to figure out what’s their problem.

The Truth

August 27th, 2009
9:37 am

Dan – I usually only comment on the sports blogs so I am sure it is not me…it seems many have picked up my moniker so I will have to change it.

Amazon Red – Point taken but I was just using that as an example. So many of my single friends go through so much self-help and group blogs that they never know what to do or say. It is like a baseball player in a batting slump…everyone tells him how to hit that by the time he goes up to the plate, he is a mixed up mess.

Glad you are happy Red and that was the main point I was making. I too love life and plan to tackle it headon. Peace to you and your goals.

Kay

August 27th, 2009
9:37 am

I made the mistake once, of deciding it was over when my guy tried to convince me that my lack of interest in having kids was something that I’d “get over.” I knew in that moment that he wanted ‘em, and was going to try to “convince” me to have ‘em. And I knew I wouldn’t have ‘em, so I left him. In retrospect, it may have been the biggest mistake of my life. I’m childfree, and ecstatic to be so, but he was a REALLY GREAT GUY and, perhaps, I should’ve not assumed that was what was going to happen.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
9:37 am

I just could see myself being ok but not happy. LIke a job you work cause you pay the bills.

I refuse to be in this situation, but people will tell you you’re wrong for not settling for it.

Amred – I know what you mean about evaluating things and eliminating stress. I did that at the beginning of 2007, mainly with the guys I was dealing with and a few toxic “friendships”. Put out the trash, as I called it. Life has been great ever since!

Grace

August 27th, 2009
9:37 am

Good morning, I love that song! If I can get a dollar for everytime I’ve said and heard “this is it” I’d have one of my bills paid. For me, ending a relationship is hard, all the time and energy getting to know a person, forming habits, setting up patterns. It’s hard. But I do know that when it’s over it’s over, when the patterns start to zig zag and we’re all off track and all the talking in the world isn’t going to change a darn thing or make it better. When his name pops up on my caller ID and I purposely ignore it, or hearing his voice makes my skin crawl, when he’s touches me and I pull back, time to fold em.

Dan

August 27th, 2009
9:41 am

@Professor

There’s a difference between analyzing a situation/event and a relationship.

I often have to get out of my own head in an romantic relationship. For my friends, most I’ve known my whole life so there’s no need to analyze their behavior; I accept them as they are.

I’m learning to apply that standard across the board

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 27th, 2009
9:41 am

Good Morning All

I had promised myself that I would avoid the blog and stay focussed on work today, but this is a topic that Iis too compelling for my own personal life. I am torn because I don’t want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to be with the wrong person or with some one for the wrong reasons, (aka sex).

When trying to decide if it is time to go, what I have used in the past is when I see in myself that I find reasons not to call, not to talk, or I realize I am calling out of guilt or a sense of obligation not desire. That is a serious red flag for me to try to discern is there no chemistry or am I just going through a blahhh mood, or distracted. The biggest question is why?

Last summer, I went to lunch/dinner a few times with a lady who drove me wild physically. I knew and she knew the first time we were together not in a public place what was going to happen…a lot of physical chemistry. However I found myself recognizing that I would put off calling her, that I did not enjoy just talking and truthfully did not care what was going on in her day to day life. One day she called and I just told her I did not think it would work out. She seemed surprised but okay with that. I just knew that as good as the physical would have been, there was a bigger price that I would pay if I stayed…the guilt that would come from knowing I was just using her. I will not deny, there have been times since when I have thought many times about what it might have been like and questioned whether Is hould have just enjoyed myself and thenran, but I just could not do that.

Compelling

August 27th, 2009
9:44 am

Good Morning everyone.

I really have no clue what triggers my need to kick someone out of my life. I tend to be really dismissive because it’s my defense mechanism. One wrong move (even if it wasn’t/isn’t intentional) and you were out the door. I’ve dismissed friends and potential S/O’s over it. I really can’t say that I regret it all that much, but I have learned to at least allow the other person to give me their side of things. I tend to be very impatient and bullheaded when it comes to hearing others out (trust me I’m working on it) but it gets hard.

I think it’s been this way since a long term relationship ended for no reason and I found myself holding on for dear live when the signs were telling me to let it go. I pride myself on being strong but in that very moment I was weak, and I despised the fragility I saw in myself. Ever since, it gets easier and easier to cut people off. I’ll ignore calls, delete contacts, block emails, it gets ugly. In some ways I like my ability to pick up the pieces and move on, but I also know that I need to at least try “meeting in the middle”. I’d rather not be on the exteme end of things. Just hard not to be for me.

Kym

August 27th, 2009
9:52 am

@kimmie I just listen and shake my head. T-minus 15 days and counting until Football begins and I am seriously behind on my scouting for the draft.

Professor

August 27th, 2009
9:52 am

@ Dan

***There’s a difference between analyzing a situation/event and a relationship.****

We can agree to disagree on this one. Anytime you examine a matter you are analyzing that matter. Most people biggest failures in life come from the lack of examining things (thinking). Guess what, most people fail in relationship because they do not examine the relationship…they run on feelings, emotions and ignore red flags…not to mention hear what they want to hear. The end results=heartbreak and regrets. Why, because they failed to analyze. I analyze myself as it relates to all aspects in my life including but not limited to relationships, which has lead to less errors and pain over the years.

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
9:54 am

1) When things begin to wane and I ask what’s going on, I too got the answer that all was good. Well I’m sort of a go by what I see rather than what you say if it ain’t meshing and what I was feeling was more akin to 1+1=3. So, I folded. If it’s apparent I’m out. Not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

2) Dated dude about 8 months. Everything is just plain ole grand….so I thought. Good vibe, that ebb and flow thing going on….(sigh). Meet-ups, calling out sick to hang out, loving on my (then)3 year old, cooking dinner for the 3 of us, late movies…blah blah blah…..just all friggin love. A mutual (he introduced me to)tugs my shirt tail and says, before getting any deeper you should know there’s a fiance. He picks me up that following Saturday and I let the day flow as usual. Eating, picking up a couple of items, sitting in the park chatting. Well, when he drops me off, I ask. His story? She was 12 years his senior (which she was) and already financially established…a doctor….yep I verified. They’d laid out their agenda for the up and coming years, no kids, a house on the hill and she would support him until he was schooled enough to pull the salary he wants. Even after that frank and open discussion, he asks twice before I exit what could do to make me stay. I’m now looking as if he’d grown 2 heads….I say all or nothing. There was dead silence about 2 or 3 minutes. I step out of the car and never looked back. I folded…I guess.

That was serious heartbreak.

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
9:56 am

Three Words Daily – Learn The Secret.

Compelling

August 27th, 2009
9:59 am

Ms. Main- WOW @ your number 2. What a crazy situation. I’ve feared that constantly. Falling in love with someone and not knowing that they’re living a double life. Heartbreak indeed.

Big G

August 27th, 2009
10:00 am

I always end it when I start thinking maybe I should end it.

I also end it when I decide that will not get mad at the person. I only get mad at people I love, so if I don’t get mad…then I must not love the person.

Doctor

August 27th, 2009
10:03 am

When you love someone and want to truly make it work, you will try to hang in there. Only if the person is a positive, honest person. Although, when you start to see signs of behavior change. Not communicating the way things used to be. You know something else is on the other persons agenda. Thats what happened to me. I tried to hang in there longer than I really should have. But, when I let go. I was completely out of the relationship.

Its really funny, them moment I deceded to let go. My significant other really started to come around. Calling more, wanting to spend more time together. In a relationship, I will give it my all. But when I let go, its no turning back.

Why can’t your spouse, ex, significant other treat you the way you should be treated in the begining, or may I say during your relationship?

It’s too late once it’s over. Ive seen it too many times, when you loose someone. They want to act right when its too late. Only to get you back and treat you right for a short while. Then what do you know, they start showing the same bad behavior again. The Cycle Has To Be Broken.

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
10:03 am

Point taken but I was just using that as an example. So many of my single friends go through so much self-help and group blogs that they never know what to do or say

Truth – No problem. To be honest, I don’t think about things enough. I am too quick to dismiss things as “it’s not that serious,” “you’re thinking too hard” or my favorite “what is the big deal?” (cuz in the grand scheme of things, your relations drama ain’t really all that special).

But like I tell people, I live alone and I don’t have any kids. All I do is have time for myself. So if I were to be unhappy or allow for unhappiness, I’d really have no one to blame but ME! I have absolutely nothing tying me down.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
10:04 am

Ms. Main – All I can do is shake my head! See, it’s shyt like that I can’t take, and was ALMOST in a situation like that myself, but like you I bailed!

I always feared opening up the newspaper to the wedding announcements or reading the wedding announcements in Jet and seeing the dude I was currently dealing with at the time. This very thing happened to a lady I know and it tore her up.

Melo

August 27th, 2009
10:04 am

What if you don’t have a solid explanation for why you want to check out of the relationship, what do you do?

Good morning folks!!

Happened exactly this way when i left my ex-wife.
I went to see my divorce lawyer and hes asking me for the reasons why i wanted out:
1 is she argumentative? I said NO
2 does she cheat on you? I said NO
3 does she keep a dirty house? I said NO
4 is it about money? i said NO

what is it then?” he kinda asked in exasperation :lol:

it didnt matter, i wasnt feeling the marriage, thats all.
She was an absolutely beautiful and capable wife,very responsible….BUT
she wasnt for me coz i wasnt feeling her and our union like that.

So NO, in response to WISE’s qstion.U dont have to have a reason, go with your gutt.If u are not happy,u are not happy,u dont need explanations,validations and all that other crap.
My thing is, u cannot explain nor find validation as to why u luv smebody.U may think u do but really u dont have the deep down reasons why.
An absolutely gorgeous woman,with the right physical and values/ qualities u look for in a woman can still fail to make the grade.
Luv is just a feel thing!
Cut her lose if u aint happy,no explanations required,except ofcourse to sooth her departing azz..cause they always ask for reasons anyway…(why?) :lol

Professor

August 27th, 2009
10:04 am

@ Compelling- I will dismiss someone, but I don’t see it as a defense mechanism. I have some friends that I cannot talk to every day or kick it with every week. They are good people, but like sugar too much will cause some problems. So, I keep them but I know to take them in small dosages.

I am not a “needy” person. I do not call around looking for hook-ups, free stuff, asking for help, having folks to help me move…I believe in paying for services and not worrying the hell out of people, because I don’t like people worrying the hell out of me. With that said when I need help it is serious and if I do not get the help I need or some effort it is like a parachute I don’t need you again if you did not work the first time. Guess what, I will dismiss that person.

@Ms. Main…thanks for sharing that story. I wonder if he ever found love and happiness with his Dr.?

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:09 am

Compelling That was about 10 years ago. It took me some time to get over that. I’ve seen him twice since. About a year after it happened, face to face. Of course being bitter, I just waived and kept walking…he’d stepped out of the car. Then at the red light. I ducked then.

C tha 1

August 27th, 2009
10:09 am

I used to date a girl who would over analyze a grain of salt. At first I thought it was cute and quirky. . .then it became irritaiting as hell. Needless to say I got folded. The truth of the matter is you’re going to find something wrong with every person in your life! People who overanalyze generally are trying to protect themselves. I get that.

“Sometimes, it’s just the simple realization that you are pretending to be happy, when you are really just happy not to be alone.” This really sent my mind back to a point where I remembered the chic in question telling me how happy she was that I was in her life. Even said I was her best friend. Then slowly she began to withdraw and the inevitable happened. She had recently got out of a relationship and I was the rebound guy. It took a while to shake that empty feeling as I felt there isn’t any real purpose in being the rebound dude.

Chink

August 27th, 2009
10:10 am

I usually know when I am pushed to the limit…and I just shut down after that. I don’t like to take too many attempts to make a relationship work sometimes it just won’t. On the flip side maybe I don’t have the “hang in there” attitude…but if I see that he is worth it maybe I will stick around….

SexyCool - Today, I am NOT water.

August 27th, 2009
10:11 am

For me, with my exhusband, it was when he came home and told he me didn’t want to be married anymore. A week later, I found out about the chick he was leaving me for. Shortly after that, I learned she was a stripper.

With my last ex, it had to have been when I happened upon him out with that other chick without even trying.

And with random people that I’ve met and dated along the way, sometimes, it’s been a comment or trying me in a crazy way or the lack of attention or sensing the rotation of it all….and so on.

AmazonRed™

August 27th, 2009
10:12 am

Amred – I know what you mean about evaluating things and eliminating stress.

kimmie – This one chick on my FB this morning is antagonizing over deleting her ex as a friend. Apparently, he has found a new girl and she’s having trouble handling all the pics and status updates about it. I’m sitting up here like “WTF?” This is a NO BRAINER. Delete his azz!

Just a classic example of women putting someone elses feelings above their own. PHUCK HIS FEELINGS. :lol:

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:13 am

Professor I’m not certain. I talk to that mutual friend that tugged my shirt tail every blue moon and it’s funny because there’s an apparent air between us where neither will ask or mention him. The time I saw him at the light, I assuming that was her on the passenger side. I do know they live in “blank” estates…so I’d lean to a yes. Whether or not there’s happiness there I can’t say but the material, I’m more than certain. She had a thriving private practice back then.

Raqi...Sleepless in Atlanta

August 27th, 2009
10:13 am

LOL Ms.Main I’ll raise you one “You can’t have that baby because I am married”.

andy

August 27th, 2009
10:14 am

Does love, or the lack of, come into play in breaking up? I do see ‘love’ mentioned here. Not assuming that anyone was or was not ‘in love’; just do not see much of it mentioned.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 27th, 2009
10:16 am

Melo – I feel your post. Did any of your friends put you down for leaving a “perfectly nice” woman for “no reason”? That’s what urks me to no end – folks think you “owe” it to a person to stick it out and be miserable! Love is just like that sometimes – it can be complicated and messy and heartbreaking, but it is what it is.

Voice or Reason#1

August 27th, 2009
10:16 am

When you go to his place and it is a virtual pig sty! NO woman wants a nasty man. And I’m talking about a grown man, not some college kid. I went to his place, I saw…and I haven’t seen him since! Nor will I. I’m still thinking to call the Board of Health on his butt. He’s a walking health hazard. I don’t do filth.

Ms. Main

August 27th, 2009
10:17 am

Raqi Yes, that one trumps…whew…lol

andy

August 27th, 2009
10:18 am

OOPS——
I meant I do NOT see love mentioned here!