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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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I’m Focused, Man!

On any given weekend in Atlanta, there are a myriad of events going on in the city. At these events, it’s very possible you will see really attractive people, some being single. This has its pros and cons. If you are in a newly formed “exclusive” relationship with someone, it’s hard to turn down the phone numbers and attention.

Why does it seem as if you become the hottest commodity on the single’s market just as you have started a new romance? One month you can go to a store opening, arts festival, film screening completely unattached and on the prowl and nobody says anything remotely flirtatious. Then weeks later, after you and your honey have decided to make a go of it, all of a sudden you are a babe magnet. What gives?

This situation gets worse when you are the type that has dating ADD!  You already have to struggle not to lose interest too easily with potential dates.  When everyone you meet thinks that you are such hot stuff, you probably have to remind yourself of those dating ruts and dry spells that you just experienced.

Do you ever find it difficult to focus on a solid connection that you have with someone?  Is our attractive and active dating scene part of why a lot of us can’t hold each other’s interest? If we are constantly slipping through the revolving doors of dating, does this mean we are perpetually avoiding relationships?

How do you focus on the one individual that is standing out in your dating prospects? Is it hard to resist the urge of “waiting for a better option” or are we wasting time and money?

234 comments Add your comment

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
9:02 am

I touched on this subject yesterday. There will always be somebody that is more and if you continue to wait in the wings waiting to see if something “more” will come along you will be waiting from now until the day you die. There will always be more that’s why we have to decide on who it is we want to be with and focus on that relationship. I will be lying if I said something else will never catch your eye. We are human beings and it’s our nature to be forever grasping at the wind. But also being human we are to be disciplined.

One of the worst traits to possess is instability. A person that can’t settled on one thing and just keep going from person to person because that new person smiled at you or gave you some attention is a person that…well there is a name for a person like that and hopping is part of it.

The reason that you feel you all of sudden become the “hottie” after the onset of a new romance is probably because of the euphoria that you put out at the time. I do believe when you are truly happy, as in a relationship it shows. Your eyes are brighter, your expression is pleasant and your smile is genuine.

It’s all about making the choice to be and stay

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
9:18 am

Good Morning WD, Raqi, All

It is a beautiful day in the ATL. (Boy PMS is a biotch, glad it is short lived, LOL).

\On topic …@ Raqi re:

“One of the worst traits to possess is instability. A person that can’t settled on one thing and just keep going from person to person because that new person smiled at you or gave you some attention is a person that…well there is a name for a person like that and hopping is part of it.”

This is me more than I care to admit. As I have said before, the available, attractive, intersting women are so abundant here in the ATL that it is like a smorgasbord always. How does one choose to settle and get to know ONE person? Couple that with a little bit of fear of making a mistake, a bad partner choice, fear of getting hurt again, missing out on “the best”, and you have a group of people who never land long enough to get it right.

Raqi, I look in the mirror every day and ask these same questions. Yesterday I was ‘biotching’ about missing the perfect woman. What I was not saying was that to get with this “perfect woman”, I had to ignore advances from other “almost perfects” (like an invitation to cook dinner with a lady that I’ve been out with several times who is really nice and comfortable to be with.

I guess I’m just a “whoore”…(as the guy said in “Sweet Home Alabama”, “honey just ’cause I talk slow, don’t mean I’m stupid”). I know my flaws too well actually..

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
9:20 am

@ Raqi by the way, the chocolate does help ;-)

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 26th, 2009
9:22 am

@How do you focus on the one individual that is standing out in your dating prospects? Is it hard to resist the urge of “waiting for a better option” or are we wasting time and money?

Funny Wise, me and my female friend had this conversation about finding someone you can focus on and my problem is everybody Ive been meeting lives out of town and it seems like I cant focus on anyone here.

To answer your question, I try to focus on that individual that is standing out by trying to not let it get stale or routine. I try to keep it exciting and random as long as possible. I dont like to plan and do not want any type of routine. I also try to mentally keep my space and make it like its still all fresh before she is leaving stuff at my place and it gets boring and routine. The key is to try to keep it fresh and new.

Rocky

August 26th, 2009
9:23 am

I have a ?? for you… I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. It’s been a good, respectful, loving relationship. 3 weeks ago I had abdominal surgery. Yesterday I see my surgeon & along with many other questions I ask him if it’s OK to have sex. He says it’s OK as long as you take it easy, do not hurt, etc…. My GF & I are excited to try what had beed a no no for weks. We are into it, making love, telling eachother how great it is… Then she breaks out “There’s been another man in this bed”… Trying to stay focused I ask her if it’s been in her new house (we have been dating since before she moved in). SHe says no.. Then she proceeds to tlee me how her slut GF & her met a guy at a bar, he was so drunk they did not want him to get arrested, so they take the guy to my GF’s house to sleep it off in her bed… She’s telling me this while I am trying to make a cumback after 3 weeks… I lose interest in making love. Roll over & she’s MAD at ME!!!

Is this a sign that it’s time to move on?? I am sicker to my stomach than recovering from surgery…

Anyway.. Thoughts, please

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:24 am

Salvē! Bloggers

Bottom line people who not ready to be in a committed relationship are always open to the prospect of dating an meeting others………as they should. Your not ready until your ready…………. and hopefully by now, you are astute enough to recognize that in yourself and others. A person who is ready to commit, should be laser focused.

As far as the dating scene in the A, well it’s a daters paradise…………….so much to choose from,(not all quality ) but again, I don’t care what’s out there, when a person is ready to choose, they will and frankly, I wouldn’t want some one that’s not ready.

Make it A Great Day!

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:25 am

@Randy – Women have periods(.) and men have question marks(?) lol

AmazonRed™

August 26th, 2009
9:26 am

Morning lovelies,

Why does it seem as if you become the hottest commodity on the single’s market just as you have started a new romance?

I don’t KNOW but it’s rather annoying! Usually, I’ll meet guys in twos and with the natural progression of things one will fall off quicker than the other. But in the meantime it seems like every other guy in the room is now interested too. I don’t think I’m at my best in juggling, so I’d rather just focus on one. But which one is the right one?

In the past, I’d think all is fair and love and war, and if I wasn’t exclusive with one, I’d entertain other offers until exclusivity is established. But the fact of the matter is, attention on one person means you can’t pay attention with the other. So now I’m more into focusing on one and one only.

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
9:26 am

Wow! This used to be a big problem for me. I would try so hard to stay focus and I think I am naturally somewhat of a flirt. Please don’t get me wrong I have always been flirty and walked with a “twist” even as a child so it is who I am. Well of course when I was in a new relationship I would always get hit on and flirt back, and BAM we have a problem.

At this point in my life I know what and whom I want so it is not a big deal. For some reason “Next Lifetime” by Ms. Badu plays in my head whenever I think about this topic…

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someone’s girl

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:29 am

GM Professor !

Love that song! When it rains, it pours……………..

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
9:33 am

@PW that was my problem when it was hard for me to stay focus I really was not ready for a relationship…

@ARed You gave a quote from Judy Blume a while back…something like “After you have loved like we have…how can we go back to holding hands?” I was trying to tell one of my friends and I know I messed it up. Please post it again if you remember what I am talking about…pretty please w/ a happy face.

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
9:34 am

So RandyT your mission or purpose in life is just to have sex with all women you find attractive? I must say of all the men that I read on here (other than abc) you are the one that I would have thought was not that easy and actually wanted more out of relationships.

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
9:34 am

LOL @ “Rocky”.

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
9:37 am

Hey Wings…believe me I could write a book about some of this stuff. I have felt like that song many of times…I guess that is how I know you can fall for more than one person if you are not careful.

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:37 am

@Professor – That why, I’ve tried to be honest in my dealings to say………I’m not ready, it’s not the dating or the fact that they are not focused that is the problem it’s their lack of integrity or maturity messing up the game.

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
9:41 am

M dot I get what you are saying but you can’t live on that high at all times if that’s what you are looking for. Life is routine and we must go thru it. But one of the biggest mistakes made is when people jump ship during the low tides.

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:41 am

@Prof – my take on loving two people is bibicaly based and that is “you can not serve two masters, you will love one and hate the other”. All that equals drama……………not saying that I have not been their …………….but I didn’t stay their either ……..too much drama.

Wings () (Beyond the Pretty)

August 26th, 2009
9:42 am

there not their

AmazonRed™

August 26th, 2009
9:44 am

Professor – I was paraphrasing at the time, as I didn’t remember the exact quote. I believe it was “once you’ve had sex, you can’t go back to holding hands.” But I quoted it as “Once you have loved that deeply, you can’t go back to holding hands.”

In any case, you pretty much got it right. Sorry you are feeling that way right now.

Kym-Accomplish much by trying less

August 26th, 2009
9:46 am

Good Morning All,

Do you ever find it difficult to focus on a solid connection that you have with someone? Hmmm yes, but not for the need to seek another kind of green(John Mayer reference)because life is what gets in the way while I am making other plans. Doesn’t mean that I nor they are incapable of developing relationships. Just means that the timing is not right at this point.
Is our attractive and active dating scene part of why a lot of us can’t hold each other’s interest? Naww, well I will say not for those I know. I know a few guys who are quite honest about their activities. They are not trying to settle down. I know a few women who are focused on career and dating is just fun. They are not trying to be wifey. So I think this really depends on the person.

If we are constantly slipping through the revolving doors of dating, does this mean we are perpetually avoiding relationships?

No, everyone a person dates may not be the right person for them to form some type of bonding relationship. Doesn’t mean you stop dating. Yes I know, sometimes people look for things to discount a person because they themselves are not ready to get to serious. It is why I respect For Real’s motto of telling the person up front.

What they said–”I am not interested in anything more than going out and keeping company and having a nice time.”

What they Heard–”BLAH BLAH BLAH If I give it to you just right I can make you change all of that.”

This is where the problems and the disconnect come to play. Well why you dating?..well duh..because as I said the first hundred times I like to go out have fun and keep company..what did you hear?

East Point's Own

August 26th, 2009
9:47 am

I have no desire to accept new #’s or get attention from other women when I am in a relationship. It is not hard at all for me to ignore the attention gained after a new relationship begins. The problem in the beginning of a relationship is turning down the women who I was dealing with when I was single…especially when they are already comfortable doing things with you that the new person is not yet ready to do… LoL

http://hispointofview.com

Compelling

August 26th, 2009
9:53 am

“But one of the biggest mistakes made is when people jump ship during the low tides.”

@ Raqi- Truer words have never been spoken. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years now and everything has not always been sunshine and rainbows. I’m convinced that anything worth having takes hard work and I believe that what I have now can’t compare to anything that anyone would be willing to offer me. If you aren’t ready for such a serious undertaking then you should wait until you are, but always be up front with the other person.

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
9:56 am

@ARed…thanks a bunch! I am good in fact I am two steps from sitting on the bench and taking a timeout.

@Pretty Wings…In my 20s this was a big problem for me. I will say this I have always viewed my body as a “temple for the Lord” so I was not intimate with everyone. However totally understand how you can have a connection with more than one person if you are not careful (things always start out innocent for the most part). I say that because if you look at your past relationships you probably had two or more that were stellar. Now imagine getting to know them both at the same time.

I do know it is difficult for some people to stay focus. At this point in my life I do not have that problem, but I do understand it completely. My question is should you tell the other person? I guess that would probably lead to trust issues etc., but I am curious to how to handle that problem. Back in the day I never mentioned it to my boyfriend and I would always let guys know that I was in a relationship, but it was difficult to me.

…I really believe some guys (ladies) still have this problem and it is never addressed.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
9:59 am

Raqi…not sex at all. I can think of maybe twice that was my goal, and as odd as it sound, those times never came to that. The sex, if it happens, was almost never my goal. I have no need or desire to run up numbers, never have, never will. Actually that is seldom front and center on my mind when starting to date someone.

For me, it is always about finding the one I want to stay with for a lifetime. Where I have a problem is even asking some ladies out a second or third time just because there “might” be someone better. I just have a hard time committing because of the fears I indicated above. Raqi, I have not pursued so many opportunities with interesting and attractive women that you would be amazed. Sometimes I go through periods where I just will not ask anyone out because I am torn between so many opportunities. I can’t count the number of times I have gotten dressed up on a Saturday night, and then said “screw it” and sat back down on the couch.

You basically indicated in your first post that people need to “settle” or they will be looking all of their lives and never really fulfilling that deeper need for a truly meaningful monogamous relationship. That has been me. There is a reason why I have been single for ten years. When things start getting too close, I suspect I sabotage it…maybe out of some deep seated fear. Hellz I don’t know.

How is that for honesty.

SexyCool - Tastes great. Less filling.

August 26th, 2009
10:03 am

Three Words Daily – Encourage someone else.

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
10:03 am

@Kym…people hear what they want to hear.

Leggs

August 26th, 2009
10:03 am

@Rocky, you have to be kidding. Who the heck says all that during the act! How insensitive of her. She knew about the surgery, she knew how eager you were to please and be pleased. What a cad to bring all that up at that moment. If she’s that clueless with regard to your feelings, then that’s a red flag for you. Then again, hell I don’t know, I’m stumped!

The Real Rell - cashing in wolf tickets!

August 26th, 2009
10:04 am

“you can not serve two masters, you will love one and hate the other”

But one of the biggest mistakes made is when people jump ship during
the low tides.”

“Once you have loved that deeply, you can’t go back to holding hands.”

- ALL GOOD – I AM FEELING THE LADIES TODAY – WOW

The Real Rell - cashing in wolf tickets!

August 26th, 2009
10:09 am

@rocky – your girl just had a threesome…sorry to say mayne

Then she proceeds to tlee me how her slut GF & her met a guy at a bar, he was so drunk they did not want him to get arrested, so they take the guy to my GF’s house to sleep it off in her bed…

she had a couple of weeks to think about how she was going to tell you…you no longer feels any guilt – cause in her mind now..she was just helping out her “slut” roomate…lol and some random drunk guy…i mean does the slut roomate not have a bed….lol….i know you dont believe that do you player?

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
10:10 am

@Rocky I really feel you on this one. That is some crazy mess right there. I am not sure if this was your first surgery or if you are a wimp like me, but there are a lot of emotions that goes along with it.

I am having surgery next week and I am trying my best to stay positive and embrace it, but I cannot imagine someone doing that to me after all of this…if that happened I would have a red flag moment.

SexyCool - Tastes great. Less filling.

August 26th, 2009
10:15 am

I don’t have an issue staying focused on a “solid connection”. My quandry is usually knowing when the connection is solid from both sides. I like being on the same page of the same book.

Kym-Accomplish much by trying less

August 26th, 2009
10:20 am

You know car owners are funny people. 250,000 for a Camero..really Papa John? Really?

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
10:22 am

Randy I guess misunderstood you first comment.

The thing is life is a gamble. If we all held out on everything in life because something better just “might” come along then we would all not be living. That’s a bad way to live not doing and experiencing all in the name of waiting to see. Choose what you want and settle for that. Yes I said settle again. Stay with it. But put your focus and energy into it rather than standing there holding your hands in fear of something more might come by that you may miss out on.

There will always be that more there. No one is perfect. Just be realistic about what you are willing to live with and to live without, and go with that. And the thing is with most people that “more better” is usually wrongfully presented in a pretty face. It has been proven time and time again that pretty does not mean better or more.

Imagine what would have happened I had not chosen my husband nor the other guy for fear of them both being better for me than the other. I made my choice and I am happy with it. I don’t sit around thinking what if I had chosen Randy, his name was Randy also LOL. Would this, that or the other be better? I love my life and I love my husband. I wouldn’t dare give up what I have for what could have possibly been. Outside of his moodiness he is all perfect to and for me. LOL Who knows what Randy’s fault may be. They just might be worse than living with a moody man. Or not.

Life is a gamble.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
10:27 am

@ Sexy Cool re: “My quandry is usually knowing when the connection is solid from both sides. I like being on the same page of the same book”.

I sure have read the tea leaves wrong on this one a few times. The two times I have gone “all in” since my marriage crashed and burned when their ex husbands suddenly developed a renewed interest right at Christmas (the whole “we should be a family again for the children” thing). Maybe that is why I am so afraid to “settle”.

Side note…all four of my major relationships have ended in December, three during the week of Christmas, and one on Christmas Day. I really hate December. There is a bigger reason than just the money for just cutting off relationships from Thanksgiving through Valentines Day…at least for me.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
10:30 am

After having said all that…life is great most of the time. Just reflecting, ;-)

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
10:33 am

@Kym I love cars! 250K is a lot, but I know he is happy to have his car.

Page1908

August 26th, 2009
10:33 am

Randy I thought people got together during the Fall so they could be with someone during the Holiday season (Novemeber through February)? Not split up during that time? Maybe I have it confused? *shrugs*

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
10:37 am

Hey Page…I have read even on this blog that men seem to just disappear from Thanksgiving to Valentines Day (cheap ba$tard$, lol). I don’t know. I know for me things get too complicated because I want to be with my family and an SO wants to be with her family and both seem to get POed if the other has any contact with their ex, even if it is totally platonic. Just too big of a pain sometimes ;-)

Professor...ahhh

August 26th, 2009
10:38 am

Off topic-

The passing of Senator Ted Kennedy saddens me, and I hope his dream of health care reform becomes a reality

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
10:40 am

I am sitting here thinking and laughing to myself about the time we were in Florida and my husband was talking to these two women while I went to see what my sons were doing. He has never hidden the fact that he is quite fond of the fuller bosoms. He is a self proclaimed breastologist. LOL I am average or just okay on his scale.

Well the women that had made his company were both fuller florences and had them framed quite explicitly. When I came back he was talking to them and I bet his eyes nearly bled trying to stay “focused” and not look down toward their racks while I was standing there. I laughed within myself when they walked away because he knows that I know that he is fond of what they have that I don’t.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 26th, 2009
10:48 am

Laughing about your story about “breasties”. I have a bad habit of getting involved with intelligent, PERCEPTIVE women. Unfortunately I do have a bad habit of noticing the “scenery”. A group of women could be walking toward me if I was with my ex-wife, and she would know before I did, which one I would focus on. I would try to sneak a peek but first kind of glance over at my ex to see if I could get away with looking. Hellz no, she would already be giving me “that look”. Busted before I even had a chance to do anything…so didn’t even get the chance to enjoy the sin, lol.

Dan

August 26th, 2009
10:53 am

@Randy

I’m sorry, I don’t get trying not to look.

They’re there, uncovered, on display and she knew that when she left the house. It’s my assumption that she wants to invite attention, so as a gentleman, it is my pleasure to comply. Homer Simpson drool……

Compelling

August 26th, 2009
10:57 am

LOL @ Randy and Dan. I guess I don’t mind if my man looks as long as it’s not disrespectful. I have an uncle who’ll lean outta his car window or stop talking mid-sentence to ogle women that walk by, all in fron of his woman. That’s disrespectful. But I don’t have a problem if my guy looks at women in passing I mean he’s not blind, it’s just irrational to think that you won’t find others attractive because you’re in a relationship.

Page1908

August 26th, 2009
10:59 am

Oh, ok Randy. I thought it was the other way around: people are single in the spring and summer, then get together in the fall and winter. oh well.

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
10:59 am

but first kind of glance over at my ex to see if I could get away with looking

RandyT Imma let you in on a little secret, that’s where you made your mistake. Never look to see if we are looking to catch you. That’s an admitted guilt even before you commit the act. LOL

Don’t be disrespectful and just stare and gawk while in our presence but don’t check us first either.

SexyCool - Tastes great. Less filling.

August 26th, 2009
11:01 am

Nothing wrong with noticing the scenery, even commenting on it, in a respectful way. I know I’m not the only gorgeous chick on the planet. ~giggling~

Raqi

August 26th, 2009
11:03 am

But I don’t have a problem if my guy looks at women in passing I mean he’s not blind

Compelling I was going along with you but you lost me right there. Turning your head to look is an offense punishable by the woman’s law. No he is not blind but don’t disrespect me.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 26th, 2009
11:05 am

Morning great blog people!

Yes, what would appear as fabulous always comes around when you got somebody. That’s the story of my life and I actually jumped ship once. Big mistake, but maybe not because I believe things happen for a reason and what’s for you is for you. But the relationship I’m in now is no exception. I went on a dating hiatus for a year and a half before I met SO. A few months in, dudes started coming out of the woodwork and still are and we are going on 2 years dating now! I mean, not only do I have guys approach me, I am seeing all these hunks that actually work & live among me that were no where to be found before. Would I risk what I have now to pursue any of them? H to the NAW! What glitters is definitely NOT always GOLD!

Ms. Main

August 26th, 2009
11:06 am

Rocky Did you withhold some info or did your girl? Something is missing from that story. Aside from that, bad timing to say the least.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 26th, 2009
11:08 am

What up..

Dudes are more attractive to females when they got that other woman scent on em.. That other woman scent allows them to be more relaxed because they are not pressed about meeting the new chick in the spot.. In other words the ladies can smelllllll what he has cooking..

Women are always attractive to men single or hooked, hogtied and collared..

You know people are always facinated with what they cant have.. Its actually easy to look like you got somebody when you dont have anyone.. Follow these simple rules. Women – Stop looking desperate and Dudes – Stop looking thirsty.. Walk with confidence, hold your head high with your shoulders back..