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You Are Who You Date

Do you remember when The Secret was all the rage? You could not escape the law of attraction discussion about making a shift in your thoughts to draw better things in your life. Even though I was skeptical about the commercializing and consumerism involved in the whole “movement”, I can still appreciate the message.

When you apply the law of attractions to dating, it’s difficult to apply the concepts to the reality of single life. Are we all responsible for the love life we have right now? Are we the reason that people come into our lives? If we are carrying emotional baggage, are we destined to pull in the same individual into a relationship? If we are happy and in a good place, will the same kind of person be drawn to you?

Even though we have a desire for one type of person, why do you think the complete opposite lands in our lives?

Do you agree with the statement that the person you are dating is a reflection of you? If that is the case, do you “look” like the person who is looking back at you these days? If not, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

432 comments Add your comment

Dan

August 25th, 2009
8:19 am

It’s all about:

Reciprocity – you get back from the world, what you put into it; or

Karma – the abiding belief that we are all tied together; or

The Golden Rule – “Do unto others…”

Regardless of the language (words) you choose to describe it, when you’re ‘not right’ the people that you attract ain’t neither. When you get to the head space that is comfortable with who you are (flaws and all) – into (or onto for Melo) your lap falls people of a like mind.

It’s the fundamental difference of knowing what you want and knowing who you need.

Oh, good morning.

Kym

August 25th, 2009
8:50 am

Good Morning All,

I was deep yesterday..I will try to avoid that today..so to answer the topic..YES! I have come to accept (recent as this weekend) that I hold an attraction for and apparently attract the same type of man..even if they come wrapped in different packages..they all have common elements.. not sure what it says about me..but apparently I am putting out into the universe that I desire men who are: ex-military or police, tall(although that is fluid), have a fondness for firearms, sci-fi, and collect(or at some pointed had a collection) of comic books. Mine you not all men I dated had these same elements and quirks. But when I tried to date outside of this it never quite clicks. So I figure might as well bend to the will of the universe.

Grace

August 25th, 2009
8:52 am

Good morning Ladies and Gents,

You can create results or you can make excuses. It’s much more fun and fulfilling to create the results you have chosen to create.

The opportunities are always there. Your job is to seize them and work them into real, meaningful achievements.

Always, there are challenges. And always, there are ways to successfully move through those challenges.

Whatever you can envision, you can achieve. Sure, there are plenty of excuses for not doing so, and yet there are also plenty of ways to make it happen.

The purpose of your magnificent life is not to merely endure. There are wonderful, unique treasures that only you can create.

Fulfillment of your authentic purpose is worth every effort. Never settle for less from yourself than the absolute best you can be.

Have a GREAT DAY!

mytw♥cents...Deeper Still

August 25th, 2009
8:59 am

We are definitely responsible for whomever we’ve allowed into our lives right now. We cannot control who vies for position in it, but we most certainly are the ones whom we grant access. This is why being too thirsty is not hot. Don’t let dudes all up in your area just to show the world you can get one. So what. The bigger challenge is “Can you get rid of ‘em?”

Want an explanation of the opposites? Well I think we un/consciously seek what we are missing. I’m a very warm, compassionate person gives good tough love. It’s no mystery why emotionally and relationship-ly unavailable dudes are drawn to me. I don’t luv it, but I think there’s an explanation for it.

I believe that if you’re actively dating someone, they’re probably a reflection of at least one aspect of your personality. An indication of what floats ya boat…

Page1908

August 25th, 2009
9:07 am

Well, The Laws of Attraction have been around for like a wayyyyyyyyyyy long time. I remember learning about it in Science class in junior high school, so when The Secret came out, I really wasn’t too impressed because it was the same ole thing, just repackged and hyped up.

Regarding dating, I don’t think it is always the case that the person you are dating is a reflection of you, but it is possible. I guess I would need to have a more specific definition of “dating”. I personally don’t want someone who is exactly like me. I mean, 2 of me? LOL. That would not be rad. I would, however, like to have someone who I have things in common with, is silly and outgoing like I am, and I feel comfortable with.

Sheesh, I have a case of “The Mondays” even though today is Tuesday lol. I feel soooooo “blah” today.

AmazonRed™

August 25th, 2009
9:09 am

Morning!

I do believe you attract what you are. The guys I date have the same mentality as me…indifference. A friend of mine is only motivated by marriage and babies and she attracts a vastly different guy me. She’ll be married long before I will.

But in any case, I’m pleased with the type of man I attract.

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
9:10 am

I am one to believe that everything about us is a reflection or expression of who we are. From where I live, to what I wear, to the people I keep company with, it’s all me.

I do believe we attract who we attract by what we put out there and we are responsible for where we are in life, even in dating. Happy attracts happy in the grand scheme of living.

Now this topic can be a lesson for all of us. You may think that you are, but to know for sure take a look at your surroundings. Take a peek at those drawn into your air. It’s not so much of those that approach but rather those that remain. My pretty face could attract many but my air, my personality, my character will hold whom it will hold and bond with whom it will bond.

I very much believe that the one that is looking back at me is a reflection of me in many, many ways. I’m telling you it covers a whole lot. We say a lot about each other.

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
9:24 am

It’s a beautiful morning!

I do not believe you are who you date at all. Nor do I believe I am who my friends are. I will press rewind and say this again, human beings are complex individuals and we are skillful at hiding things and ignoring things we do not want to face. With that said, I believe we attract imposters because we are so eager to have someone in our lives that we ignore the red flags and logic. We are simply ready for love and weary of kissing frogs.

I believe in karma, but if what goes around comes around IMO it means that I am attracting what I used to be not what I am today. Maybe I am paying for past sins, and you know what I will answer the call and deal with the consequences but I do know this I am not who I attract, because I have attracted some good ones, but I have attracted some liars, thieves, maniacs, losers, broke down and used up type fellas and I am none of those things today and never were.

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
9:27 am

Well I think we un/consciously seek what we are missing.

TwoLincolns I only partly agree with this. I do think that the right couple provides balance for each other in the relationship, but I can’t say that I believe that it is necessarily because we provide something to each other that we are lacking. That may be true but I personally don’t think that is 100%.

I like to think that I am strong willed however I know I need my man to be stronger. Whether that is a subconscious need for one to possess an ability of strength that I lack in order to be me I don’t know. But I do know that I expect a man, my man to possess that greater strength being that I myself am strong within.

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
9:28 am

@Kym GM it was deep yesterday and sometimes it is good to have those discussions or at least read in on them. I really appreciated the discussion yesterday and I got a lot out of it, both you and Tazzee shared a lot of value.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 25th, 2009
9:33 am

Hi Wise …thought about you driving in this morning. I threw in my Bob Segar cd with “We’ve Got Tonight” on it. That song hits me right where I live…too many strange hotel bars in too many strange cities. Oh well.

Re the topic:

“Are we all responsible for the love life we have right now?” Absolutely…too many people wait for life to come to them.

Are we the reason that people come into our lives? If we are carrying emotional baggage, are we destined to pull in the same individual into a relationship?
Yup, deep down we somehow think that two halfs make a whole, when in reality it is like tying two drunks together and thinking they should then be able to walk.

If we are happy and in a good place, will the same kind of person be drawn to you?
Maybe, but life has no guarantees.

Even though we have a desire for one type of person, why do you think the complete opposite lands in our lives?
What we think we want and what actually attracts us are often not one and the same.

Do you agree with the statement that the person you are dating is a reflection of you?
Nope

If that is the case, do you “look” like the person who is looking back at you these days? If not, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Nope, they are much prettier and probably nicer

Deeva4Life

August 25th, 2009
9:34 am

I’m personally on the fence with this one. I pray to God I’m not what I attract…no, seriously. In my experience of dating, I’ve attracted a variety of men…none of them are the same in most categories (physically, mentally or emotionally)but the ending was the same. For most, it was simply timing. I seem to come along at the “wrong” time. I’m pretty cool with all of my exes and most of them (still) quote the same line, “you’re great, the perfect woman, you just came along at a time when I wasn’t ready.” Or maybe they just weren’t ready for me because most of them…heyal, just about all of them have gone on to form relationships with other people. But how is that a reflection of me?

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
9:37 am

Here’s a very simple example.

There is a guy that work with me and when he started a few years back he would get teased almost every morning with folks saying “your girlfriend let’s you come out of the house dressed like that?”, then one day we met the girlfriend. She dressed like that. He broke up with that girlfriend and during his girlfriendless stage he bumped it up a notch by way of suggestions and tips from some of us women in the office. Now he has a new girl, a new look and a new attitude. That’s just a very simple superficial example. Yet it still lends credence to angry tolerates angry, happy attracts happy and misery loves company.

M'

August 25th, 2009
9:41 am

Well, my favorite button says: If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning…is that the same thing…lol

Dan

August 25th, 2009
9:44 am

When you’re in a committed relationship, you affect the person that you’re with and vice versa (for good or bad). You pick up habits and traits from each other. So yeah, you kinda are who you date in that you each tolerate, and to some extent mimic the other person.

When it’s good, both lives are improved beyond measure, regardless of the outcome of the relationship. When it’s bad…well, we know about that.

But that (to me) is part of life, impacting the world. And if I can’t impact the person that I’m dating (and vice versa), then neither of us is on our job.

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
9:49 am

I pray to God I’m not what I attract…no, seriously.

Eternal Deeva I went thru a few different stages of dating in my life and looking back I can truly say that I attracted them due to something about me.

I attracted the” Capt’n” shorter after my first husband died and ended up getting knocked by the one I fell for. I attracted the losers. Too many to count. I attracted the guys that needed to be severely coddled and nurtured, you know because that was my mission in life to be the greatest mother of all and right the wrong that I had done to myself. Then I began to grow and change out of necessity for a better more fulfilling life. At that time I began to attract a better quality of men. I did not form a relationship with all of the ones that I attracted but I cannot deny that I was the common denominator in it all.

Leggs

August 25th, 2009
9:57 am

Good morning.

I like to believe I’m not entirely like what I attract, but no doubt there’s a part of me that is. Men are visual creatures so to attract one doesn’t necessarily mean you’re of like mind. Keeping one, however, states that you are.

“Are we all responsible for the love life we have right now?” Yes, we are. Your life’s experiences mold who you are today. The love life you desire is up to you to go after. Some people will be discarded, but have to belief that the person you feel is right for you and you’re right for him will materialize. It just may take some time.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 25th, 2009
9:58 am

Morning All! Great topic today WD!

Raqi – I agree with your 9:27, I also think that a couple should provide a balance for each other. Not to say one doesnt possess a certain trait, but for your SO that trait may be their strength. That provides the balance.

If we are happy and in a good place, will the same kind of person be drawn to you? Sometimes. Some people will be drawn to ‘the light’ you exude, others may try to dim it or take it out.

Even though we have a desire for one type of person, why do you think the complete opposite lands in our lives? Even though you may desire a certain type of person, that may not be who/what you need. I think opposites land with us because of what everything else but our mouths is saying/showing that we need. I cant say that I want a man that is decisive yet always call the shots.

Do you agree with the statement that the person you are dating is a reflection of you? No

Are we all responsible for the love life we have right now? Yes

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
10:01 am

Dan I agree with that but I do believe that the likeness down within the core already exist. We do adopt each other habits and inherent each other’s mannerisms but it’s all due to attraction. I know of one separating couple that clash on everything. If you ask them both in a separate how did they get together they both will tell you they have no idea and it should have never been. They simply hate each other. Married less than six months and probably married too soon.

It’s funny because he manages to always sit beside me at church and he’ll rub his arm against mine and say “I need some of those vibes to rub off on me”. I don’t know what vibes he thinks he is lifting but I hope they free each other real soon, because they both wear misery in their expressions.

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
10:03 am

@ Deeva4Life ***pray to God I’m not what I attract…no, seriously.***

I agree with this statement. I was in a relationship for three years and when the ish hit the fan he was living a double life. Please note we had been platonic friends for over for about seven years when we transitioned into a relationship. In the end he was a liar, and that is something I know I am not, nor do I deceive others etc. So I think if you are the common denominator to the same type of situations (on your job, friends, family and relations) YES you are attracting who you are, however every relationship I have been is not who I am. However as a thinker I will evaluate myself to see why I made the decision and maybe I trusted someone too soon or ignored red flags, but I am no liar, cheater, broke down a.s.s woman etc. I am not going to claim or receive that message, because it is so untrue.

As for being responsible for the love life I have right now. For some reason these lyrics dance in my head, so I guess I will take the 5th on that question :

Cause I can’t make you love me
if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel
something it won’t
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I’ll feel the power
but you won’t
No, you won’t
Cause I can’t make you love me
if you don’t

Kym-Nature doesnt't create a storm that never ends.

August 25th, 2009
10:03 am

@Prof..Thank you. Today I am pretty sleepy and mellow so I will see how it flows.

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
10:04 am

I’ll close my eyes
then I won’t see
the love you don’t feel
when you’re holding me

Leggs

August 25th, 2009
10:06 am

I have to “believe”…dagnabit!

Deeva4Life

August 25th, 2009
10:06 am

Raqi, I realize that I am the common denominator in all of my experiences…what I don’t get is what it is about me that attracts the people I do? In all cases, I was the one approached and/or pursued but I can’t think what it is I did, I said, etc. that made them choose me. I know it was my choice to allow them a chance to “get to know me” but I usually based that off of the person and not because he was this type or that type. I really try to give guys a chance but in those chances you find out that you’re not compatible for one reason or several. I’m not dishing accountability (I know how the blog men love that word)…I’m just saying I’m not cognizant of what role I play in the people I attract.

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
10:09 am

I think opposites land with us because of what everything else but our mouths is saying/showing that we need.

Mo which could very well mean it’s probably not as opposing as we would like or hope to think. We talked about it on here once before. Ask someone close to you that you know you can trust to tell you what type of person you are. Or what type of air you expel. Some of us will be surprised. I know I was once.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 25th, 2009
10:11 am

@ Raqi

re: “It’s funny because he manages to always sit beside me at church and he’ll rub his arm against mine and say “I need some of those vibes to rub off on me”.

You have always seemed like a tremendously grounded individual, but this made me think about my last relationship. The lady (great looking) was all of the time being hit on by younger guys and could not recognize it for what it was. It was alien to her that someone 10, 15, 20 years younger could be attracted to her. When I got to the point where I could point it out before it even happened, she started realizing what was really happening.

Either way, is none of my business…just brought back memories.

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
10:17 am

but I can’t think what it is I did, I said

Deeva ask a trusted male friend to tell you.

Another thing too, I believe the places that we frequent also yields the fruit our living. Not saying that all the people a certain way congregate in all the same places but chances are the percentage of a kind is greater in every place.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 25th, 2009
10:19 am

Raqi – Ask someone close to you that you know you can trust to tell you what type of person you are. Or what type of air you expel. Some of us will be surprised.

So was I! I actually was told by my counselor, so it was someone who had only known me a short period of time, yet it was the most emotional time in my life: going thru my divorce. I was soooo shocked at what she shared and then I asked people around me and got most of the same responses. It was an eye opener for sure

The Real Rell - CHILD PLEASE

August 25th, 2009
10:23 am

Ask someone close to you that you know you can trust to tell you what type of person you are. Or what type of air you expel. Some of us will be surprised.

- all comments are welcome….need the feedback…that includes you ared

MsM

August 25th, 2009
10:28 am

Absolutely NOT!! Some men are attacked to me because I am nurturing, honest, trustworthy and compassionate, traits they lack. Some try and rise to the same level but it’s just not in them, so by the wayside they fall back into being who they really are… liars, cheaters, manipulators, selfish individuals. Then fix their mouths to say “you’re expectations are too high”.

These guys are watched closely… you can tell when they are struggling – - – RED FLAG!

Kym-Nature doesnt't create a storm that never ends.

August 25th, 2009
10:29 am

I think sometimes in relationships it is about balance. Of the quality I mentioned like the comicbooks(seriously I do wonder about that) The guys who have won my heart also had, even tempered personalities. I mean they had tempers but they had to be pushed to the point of “Danger Will Robinson Danger,” before showing it..while I on the other hand have the temper of a cheetah. 0-60 in 2 seconds flat. Two hot tempered people well it would not be a pretty picture..but a person who can step back and has the ability to assess and then react(military/cop training) provides balance to my shoot first, ask questions later. Light to my Dark, Yin to my Yang, someone said it earlier about dating emotional detached guys..yeah I have gotten that with guys I dated, but I figure I provide balance for them..I got emotions to spare baby!!

Deeva4Life

August 25th, 2009
10:31 am

Raqi, I’ve done that…several times. They all say the same things…they don’t understand why I attract the people I do. And let me just say this, not every dude I attracted was a “bad dude”…they just weren’t for me. But the real doozies…the liars, the commitment phobes, the married, the cheaters…did I say the liars? LOL My male friends think I’m a real catch. They think I’m attractive, smart, funny, easy to talk to, yada, yada, yada. Even they don’t understand why I’m single at this point. I have to toss it up to it’s just not my time…

Simply SexyCool

August 25th, 2009
10:35 am

Three Words Daily – Miracles and Blessings.

THE MELO

August 25th, 2009
10:36 am

You Are Who You Date

those are core values,not outward appearances…so i wld say YES,esp if it relates to a long term partner.
I wanted an educated woman,urban,street smart,proffsnal,nice looking,well dressed,good mother potential,a good wife,good cook,smewhaht Godly,smebody with respect for my parents and a woman that cld get along well with my mum and rest of fam…..

I got that!

Outwardly tho,we are opposites in many ways.

Im an introvert,shes an extrovert,shes a loud talk, im mild mannered,she can be showy,im cool and dont like attn,shes very out going, i like it better im my den, i like to read a lot,she gets a headache the moment she starts :lol: …yadadada.

Have fun guys…im chilling at home,under the weather,but blogging in spurts! hehehe

good morning!

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
10:43 am

I just feel like if you are stable, live an active lifestyle and you know who you are…the good, the bad and the ugly. You cannot take every bad relationship to heart. It goes back to that common denominator thingy…if you are having problems with other areas of your life it is YOU. If a guy buys me a sangria at the bar and the conversation flows…we exchange #s and get to know each other. Twenty-nine days later he turns out to be a man-child, a liar and loser. IMO that has nothing to do with me, and I am always thankful that it only took 29 days instead of 29 years. You can apply that same logic to most situations, again if you are having the same problems in other areas of your life the problem is probably you otherwise share your experience with Blog High and twist on…

Simply SexyCool

August 25th, 2009
10:48 am

What you may attract into your life is one thing. What you allow to stay there is a different thing altogether.

Page1908

August 25th, 2009
10:53 am

well, a lot of people deal with losers in their lives, like the dudes they date, yet they still saty with them.

Leggs

August 25th, 2009
10:56 am

@SexyCool, I said the same thing!

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
10:56 am

Randy I don’t think he is hitting on me. It’s a playful thing that he does when he first sits down not to mention my husband is sitting on the other side of me.

I think he does it because my husband and I both have shared casual conversation with him and his wife in the past. I usually carry a happy demeanor and being that he is truly unhappy in his situation he wants some of my happy vibes. Maybe.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 25th, 2009
10:57 am

Throwing one other log on the fire…when discussing how we attract certain types, is it possible that ladies read too much into this. Frankly there are some real dogs out there(male) who could not care less what “vibes” you are throwing off…they just want a hit and run. My point is that in some/many instances you may be attracting jerks becuae of your vibes, but in other cases it may be just that, they are jerks.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 25th, 2009
10:59 am

@ Raqi …I hope so. Sometimes the line is not real clear. I guess I just have a healthy distrust of men (possibly because “I are one”).

Raqi...Free of Guilt...Full of Pleasure

August 25th, 2009
11:00 am

LOL Eternal Deeva it sometimes beeees like that.

Have you ever done so or considered dating “others”? Or all men included in what you are finding.

Let me hurry up and post the disclaimer, I am by no means saying that the “others” are better or less trifling in any way. I am just saying the “others” included gives a broader dating range.

W8©

August 25th, 2009
11:00 am

I think we date people who are “similar but different” I know in the past I have dated women who are just like me and they had my exact strongholds and that hurt our relationship at times other times it helped. I really can’t say if I should attract someone like me or not..at other times I have dated the total opposite of me an now that I think about it..I think that those are the better women for me as long as we share the same foundation and common beliefs. Phuck it…this dating thing is way to complicated…makes my head hurt and I get aggravated trying to figure this stuff out…phuck it phuck…let me know when we go off topic

Professor...she works hard for the money

August 25th, 2009
11:01 am

Most people allow people to stay for different reasons, which have nothing to do with who they are. Some people simply don’t know they are with a liar or someone else husband. And, some folks allows that liar to stay because they are ignoring the red flags and don’t want to appear like the angry woman so they nod their head in agreement (like some of the ladies do on blog high when the men say stuff).

I KNOW there is a difference and I stick with my answer.

Page1908

August 25th, 2009
11:03 am

Deeva that’s interesting, but like Randy said, there are some real losers out there and no matter what, if they are losers, they are going to come at you like a loser.

W8- I agree that dating is very complicated. I’m very *blah* today.

Compelling

August 25th, 2009
11:07 am

@Professor & Deeva- I totally agree with you. Not all people that you attract are necessarily a reflection of who YOU are.

I personally subscribe to the opposites attract mentality like Melo pointed out. You tend to desire certain traits in another individual but what makes you “click” is how you fit together. Now I’m not saying that another person can complete you(I hate when people say that) because I believe you should be whole before you seek someone else, but you’ll compliment one another. I can’t remember who said it earlier but I definitely don’t want two of me, we’d drive each other up a wall!

I like to think of attraction as a catch-all. You cast your net and who knows what you’ll draw in. If I catch some losers who stick out like sore thumbs, I immediately know to throw them back. However, if they’re cunning and fall through the cracks I don’t believe that I attract losers because I am one.

Deeva4Life

August 25th, 2009
11:14 am

Raqi, honestly I’ve never even entertained the idea of dating “others”…not to mention, I can only recall a few instances where I was approached by them. It’s never been something that I was open to…mainly because I haven’t met one that really “stuck out” to me. I guess if I met someone (regardless what race) that really intrigued me, I’d then be open to the idea.

Page1908

August 25th, 2009
11:14 am

LOL Compelling. It’s also true that losers attract winners. How many times have we known couples and said to ourselves “how in the heck did he land her”?

Page1908

August 25th, 2009
11:15 am

LOL @ swirling. I *heart* swirling very much.

W8©

August 25th, 2009
11:16 am

@page- thing is I know I am my own worst enemy towards my desired goal. I will pull back, leave things open to speculation, put up all sorts of smokescreens, etc. Especially when the person is very similar to me. I would not say it’s fear of commitment..I think it’s fear of love. I know that in my past I have had people love me and be there for me and I have betrayed them..and now in my life I fear that this is going to continue to comeback on me like it has before. So I think as a defense mechanism I try to flee before I fall to head over heals and deep..but then again I try and hangon…until I see any little thing i dont like then I use that as a rationale in my mind to pull away….Currently I am working thru that and giving dating another try and I have made a commitment to myself to just try and stick it out and be more open and put myself at risk…no risk no reward…no risk no reward…I do know that I try not to be jilted and carry over MY past failures into a new relationship, even though others will not forgive you..you still have to forgive yourself. No my problem is letting go and forgiving others for what they have done to me. Me dating someone who is JUST like me…hell no…me dating someone who is similar to me…yeah that may work…maybe…no risk no reward