Too Soon?
After a break-up, it’s natural to want to get back out there and have a fling. It’s also normal to want a distraction from the misery and void the person has left in your life.
The problem is that sometimes you have post-relationship goggles. You see someone who is probably far from the ideal mate for you as The One, simply because they take your mind off, well the last The One.
Rebounding from a serious breakup takes time and it really needs to be realistic. I have been the rebound girl before and it only bothered me because the man didn’t tell me how recent the break up was. Actually, it turned out being “a break” not a break up, and our short-lived romance ended with a reconciliation with his ex-girlfriend. The one that I had no idea existed in such recent history.
If you want to return to dating after a break up, what do you think is too soon? If you are still having angry outbursts about your ex, is it really a good idea to start a relationship with someone?
Do you disclose your relationship resume, including dates, to the person you are seeing?
Do you think it’s possible for a new romance to have a good chance if one of you just got over a break up?
Do you think men and women rebound at different rates? Or is it more about rebounding in a different way?
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481 comments Add your comment
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
10:43 am
ARed a nod to you if you are dumping them dudes like “Waste Management” when you see the “mess” not working. I truly agree with moving on when you see game being administered.
Professor – Thanks. Isn’t that what you’re suppposed to do tho? Everyone eventually gets that lightbulb moment on their own time.
Or they go off and get pregnant.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 20th, 2009
10:43 am
My Ex and I were together 12 years.. 6 dating and 6 married.. So it took me a little time to shake her. Only because our lives were so interconnected with families, friends, finances and events. We built a world together. It took sometime just sorting out which friends were going with who. There was a definite line drawn in the sand amongst families. Some of her folks wanting to talk to me and some of mine wanting to talk to her.. Eventually everything worked out they way it was supposed to but it took a ton of healing and we still arent at a point where we can actually be cool but it will get there one day.. There were also phases I had to go thru because it was like a death. Its a song out there called Love Can Damage Your Health, I think thats a true statement when its the wrong love.
Melo
August 20th, 2009
10:44 am
Once it’s over, I can be open to recieving another relationship
I think u had urself covered coz u indicated that smetimes the guy ends it be4 u recognize and move away.
The qstion to be asked is:how long does it take u to get back into it or accepting another dude once u have walked away from the previous.This is where, i think, u lost BlowMe and myself in semantics.
Do u get back right back tmrw once u leave dude physically today or u have a waiting period of sme sort? Do u recognize the break up,mentally and chew it up be4 u verbalize it to him and end it,whats ur strategy for always cming out smooth and seemingly clean with it??
Wise Diva
August 20th, 2009
10:45 am
There is a song named “Love Can Damage Your Health” <<<— I need this on my ipod, don’t even care what it sounds like or who sings it, LOL
mytw♥cents
August 20th, 2009
10:45 am
WISEY Kinda makes you miss the free babysitter – I HATE ATTENTION WHOR3S, doesn’t it? Or, maybe that’s just me.
Let’s face it, some folks are
kindavery much delusional. They think themselves a greater commodity than they really are and try to sell high when potentials should buy low. They’re so busy tryna broker the next half baked deal that they have no flippin clue why the last one fell through. Furthermore, they don’t want anyone else to try to analyze it either.BLOW – I get what you’re saying about the confusion of flings and relationships, though I tend to think it’s cultural. Who was Wisey’s counterpart? Blanca? Bella? One of em tickled me more than the other with all the ‘relationship’ angst. Chick, you went to Starbucks twice. Not calling him back does not a break up make. A brush off, maybe, but not a break up. On the other hand, I know some of us who procreate and errythang ‘but he say she just a friend…Ohh ba-by yoouuuuuuu…
Melo
August 20th, 2009
10:45 am
Hey leggs,Proff!!
Professor…Miles Davis is playing
August 20th, 2009
10:45 am
*** Just from the outside looking, men seem to be the gender that bounces back quicker.*****
I have seen certain races that appears to bounce back faster as well, but that is just my opinion to what I have witnessed.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 20th, 2009
10:47 am
Leggy you knows I gots major love for you..
Wise Diva
August 20th, 2009
10:47 am
oh man, that’s right, mytw♥cents , wonder what happened to AW? Or maybe they are still with us under a different name hmmm. I admit, those excessive exclamation points and the all caps made me giggle a couple of times
anonymousella
August 20th, 2009
10:48 am
If you want to return to dating after a break up, what do you think is too soon?
i think it depends on how painful the breakup was. if you are still at the point where half the city reminds you of your ex, you ain’t ready.
If you are still having angry outbursts about your ex, is it really a good idea to start a relationship with someone?
worked for me … lol. seeing what a good relationship feels like helped me realize just how awful my last relationship was.
Do you disclose your relationship resume, including dates, to the person you are seeing?
nope. not until we’ve had The Talk and laid claim.
Do you think men and women rebound at different rates? Or is it more about rebounding in a different way?
i think we rebound differently. i think men will hide their pain by playing the field and treating women like crap for awhile. women just drink copious amounts of wine (or tequila), chocolate and / or ice cream. and spent lots of quality time with kleenex. i spent way too many weeks just lounging around, drinking and crying post-breakup…mostly because i didn’t see it coming.
Melo
August 20th, 2009
10:49 am
My Ex and I were together 12 year
INFAMOUS DK,what ws the major cause for the demise of ur long marriage??
Ur trifling or hers,infidelity or what,seeing that u seem to have built up a rather nice and close family and relationships both sides??
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
10:50 am
Do u get back right back tmrw once u leave dude physically today or u have a waiting period of sme sort? Do u recognize the break up,mentally and chew it up be4 u verbalize it to him and end it,whats ur strategy for always cming out smooth and seemingly clean with it??
melo – Of course I take time for myself. But remember, I’ve always been in the practice of putting me FIRST. I don’t have a problem saying “no” to people. A lot of women do and feel they are pulled in so many different directions that they have nothing to give other people. I don’t have that problem.
I have a lot of “me time” to think and reflect on my relationships, even while I’m in them. I don’t do ANYTHING hastily. And I’m not an emotional person, so I think about things rationally. I think about the consequences, I think about the worse case scenarios.
The funniest thing is, I’ve NEVER disagreed with taking time to heal. EVER. When everyone was encouraging Rell to get out there, I was the one that was saying he should sit his azz down for a minute and regroup.
So yeah, I’m just laughing at folks who think they have me all figured out.
mytw♥cents
August 20th, 2009
10:53 am
Patience is my most fervent prayer, but I feel like I rival Job with it. So I’ll regroup much longer than I’m in the thick of foolishness cuz I’m not gonna be an active participant in wasting valuable time. we can’t get it back and tomorrow’s not promised.
770 I get a lil 90 second black n white movie reel playin’ through my head when certain songs come on. I’m often smiling just cuz I’m thinkin of cherished memories – even if shii went far left, I’ll treasure ‘the good times.’
FILTHY VILLANOUS I like your methodology, but it probably works best with people who are actually likable. You ever notice that some people are so stank actin’ they don’t even seem to like themselves? But who’d put those 2 and 2 together to figure out if this adversely affected the relationship…
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
10:55 am
whats ur strategy for always cming out smooth and seemingly clean with it??
melo – Miss this one. I really count my blessings. Honestly. There are people who have things worse off. Always. There are people who have lost loves to death and disease. I just remember that my problems are that bad.
As for breaks being clean, you can’t control what the other person does, but you can control what he does. I don’t have to blow up his phone. I don’t have to answer his call. I don’t have to slash his tires.
I think about what the outcome of such behavior would be if I did it and I don’t want to look like the crazy chick. Really.
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
10:56 am
Should have read “my problems aren’t that bad”
Dan
August 20th, 2009
10:57 am
DW and Randy T hit it on the head.
And DW, it is mourning a loss; at least by the chemical responses of the brain (and no, the D is not going that deep).
I try and give myself the time to resolve that emotional attachment to an -ex. If not, the next person that I “date” is the “rebound chick”. Having been the cleanup hitter (male term for the “rebound guy”), I’ve seen that without that emotional release, no new attachments can be formed.
Think of it (the post breakup period) like emotional diarehha. One has to git that last lil bit out before thinking about eating again.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 20th, 2009
10:57 am
Melo – Honestly it was a series of things that we didnt address. We let stuff go and just let it fester below the surface. I ude to say it was finances and that was a part of it but the larger picture was we never resolved any major issues we had. I resigned to the notion that it will work itself out but nothing works its sself out. You have to actively want to pursue a solution together. That dont let the sun go down on your anger is a truth I know all too well.. Once one situation was glossed over and another arose now we were dealing with both situations masked as the current situation. After all of that the lines of communication completely broke down and I never would have thought we would stop talking to each other because we were best friends before we got married. Never underestimate what resentment can do to a relationship. Unresoved issues breed resentment.
For Real
August 20th, 2009
10:59 am
Psst!!! Ared and Blow gon fight at 12:05 by the marry-go-round!!! I hope both of their shirts are made of cheap material.
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:01 am
women just drink copious amounts of wine (or tequila), chocolate and / or ice cream. and spent lots of quality time with kleenex
ella – I keep the Brian McKnight on repeat!
Blow Me
August 20th, 2009
11:02 am
**mytwo** GO SAT DOWN! SAT DOWN SOMEWHERE! LMAO
Let’s face it, some folks are kinda very much delusional. They think themselves a greater commodity than they really are and try to sell high when potentials should buy low. They’re so busy tryna broker the next half baked deal that they have no flippin clue why the last one fell through. Furthermore, they don’t want anyone else to try to analyze it either
Stop the madness. This is so much on point! Good post.
East Point's Own
August 20th, 2009
11:03 am
Y’all did get tarted early today…
Is it Friday yet????
http://hispointofview.com
Professor…Miles Davis is playing
August 20th, 2009
11:03 am
@DK…well said! There is so much truth in your 10:57 in which I have experienced first hand or witnessed.
East Point's Own
August 20th, 2009
11:04 am
Ya’ll neet to top it!
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 20th, 2009
11:04 am
Melo – also our marriage on the outside was the look of love. No one knew our home was in such turmoil.. I slept downstairs and she slept upstairs.. We spoke only in passing and concerning our son.. Ahhh but let an event or family function pop up.. We were there with bells on and playing the role.. Thats why I ended the relationship.. Honestly because I loved her too much to see her go thru her life miserable with me and I didnt want to be the dude that made my sons mother miserable or her to be the woman that turned her sons father into a broken man. Besides everything else that happened.. One day she’ll understand it but now she doesnt get it. She just thinks “How dare you divorce me”. All jokes aside..
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:04 am
For Real
August 20th, 2009
11:05 am
Getting over a relationship and getting over a marriage is two very different things.
In a relationship she snatches the chain off your neck she bought and dude breaks the heels on your shoes and then both of you move on.
In a marriage she gets the law to put you out with a garbage bag full of clothes and no underwear.
See totally different. I never understood why it took women so long to get over a relationship when this is not the first relationship they have gotten over!
Like my paw-paw use to say “The sun will rise tomorrow whether you want it to or not”
Melo
August 20th, 2009
11:06 am
I’ve NEVER disagreed with taking time to heal….I’m not an emotional person, so I think about things rationally
i think u nailed it,u do take time to heal.
I think other chics on here were proly seeing a spin on ur 1st post and saying,”hw she do it??”,looking sideways at u and envious ofcourse!
As ur no#1 backer, all i was gonna say was,”oh,ARED dates like a man,Phluck ‘em and dump ‘em,no sweat!”
Grace
August 20th, 2009
11:06 am
5^ Blow!
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 20th, 2009
11:06 am
Morning Gang
A good friend of mine lost her husband yesterday to illness. They were high school sweethearts. He was a nice guy, only 36 years old. Life is precious. Makes a lot of this mess we go back & forth about seem petty.
I always take time after a major breakup. I like to “cocoon” – just be by myself at home or the homes of close family & friends. Watch funny movies & listen to uplifting songs. I’ve been the rebound girl before and it was a disaster. Never again.
I don’t believe men ACTUALLY bounce back sooner or better than women at all. They may get back in the game physically, but mentally – no. A lot don’t really give themselves time to GRIEVE. They jump back into something, but 20 years later they’ll still have ole girl on their mind. The rebound girl will have to deal with it and a lot of times she does not realize that is actually what she’s dealing with, especially if its years down the road and about a woman he never really got over.
As to men making it uncomfortable so a woman will do the breaking up, oldest trick in the book. I remember abc coming on here quoting some statistics about how more women file for divorce and such, as if the women are not willing to work things out! This stupid phenomena came to my mind as the real reason!
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:07 am
i think u nailed it,u do take time to heal.
melo – I’ve never said otherwise.
Oh and I don’t date like a man. I just can’t wallow for too long. Too much living to do. I’m a woman of faith, so God sees me thru.
Grace
August 20th, 2009
11:08 am
melo you need to stop! wipe the shid off your nose
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:09 am
I never understood why it took women so long to get over a relationship when this is not the first relationship they have gotten over!
Maybe some folks never really get over any of them.
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:11 am
Makes a lot of this mess we go back & forth about seem petty.
It is!
kimmie – So sorry to hear about your friend and her husband. How blessed was she to have such a love though. Wow!!!
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 20th, 2009
11:14 am
Nicola Conte is Playing.. Thats why ya’ll getting all this good juice this morning..
Blow Me ....Please don't feed the MONKEYS!
August 20th, 2009
11:14 am
MELO- Please do not give her an invitation to jump on a soap box with her bullhorn. Please do not feed the monkeys! Please MELO stop it. She hops on her righteous beloved Soap box to anyone who is willing to listen to the garbage she spits everyday.
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 20th, 2009
11:16 am
Amred – Thanks. They were a nice couple. They were one of the couples that was with us in the mountains back in March. I’m still in shock. It’s kinda been a rough summer for me. I’ll be glad when it’s over, been real uneasy.
I gotta stay prayerful.
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:16 am
Yet Blow Me states the other day how she and I are so much alike.
Hilarious.
For Real
August 20th, 2009
11:17 am
DK: Great honest post bruh. It’s always the small thing we look for in the beginning of the relationship and it those same small things we take for granted once the relationship is exclusive.
Kick Em: “Maybe some folks never really get over any of them.” – True, I had an ex-friend tell me she had to lie to herself to get over me. I asked her when did she stop lying? She hung up!
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:17 am
It’s kinda been a rough summer for me
kimmie – Sorry to hear that. Prayerful indeed.
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:20 am
I asked her when did she stop lying?
For Real – Well, let’s hope those words made the healing process over you much easier! Jerk. She was already sad enuf!
For Real
August 20th, 2009
11:22 am
Kimmie: You have had one rough summer. Here is a song that I listen to that seems to put back whatever I have lost.
There’s a time of the day when the sun is going down
That’s the golden time of day
It’s a time that the sun turns a gold all around
That’s the golden time of day
At the end of the day when the wind is soft and warm
Don’t it make the flowers sway
When the sun settles down and it takes a lovley form
That’s the golden time of day
People let me tell you
There’s a time in your life when you find who you are
That’s the golden time of day
In you mind you will find your a bright shining star
Ooh that’s the golden time of day
When you feel deep inside all the love your lookin for
Don’t it make you feel ok
Like the time of the day when the sun is going down
That’s the golden time of day
That’s the golden time of day
That’s the golden time of day
Shining can’t you see it shining ooh ooh ooh ooh
Shining can’t you see it shining ooh ooh ooh ooh
Blow Me ....Please don't feed the MONKEYS!
August 20th, 2009
11:23 am
**FOR REAL**
In a marriage she gets the law to put you out with a garbage bag full of clothes and no underwear.
FUNNY…Gosh with no underwear though…LMAO
For Real
August 20th, 2009
11:24 am
Kick Em: I wasn’t being a jerk. She didn’t let me finish… my point is lying is never the solution especially lying to yourself. Once you tell one lie then you will another one to support it. So, when you start lying when do you stop?
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 20th, 2009
11:25 am
4 Real – Frankie Beverly! That’s so sweet of you, thanks!
Mike Jones (who)
August 20th, 2009
11:25 am
Got a question…
Most breakups are bad some worse than others.
If someone does something malicious not physically but emotionally tries to attack you. Do you ever give them a chance to explain. I’ve chosen to stay far away from that person, but just curious.
The reason I ask is that most times you want an explantion especially when you have a close bond with someone.
Raqi
August 20th, 2009
11:26 am
We let stuff go and just let it fester below the surface.
That right there has murdered a many of relationships. I have learned you have to stay mindful of not letting stuff get swept under the carpet. And you are correct it will not take care of itself and it never just goes away.
It’s better to deal with it right then and there and move on. Feelings may get hurt and tempers may flare but if that’s what it takes to deal with the issue and get passed it then that’s what you have to do.
I function better getting passed having my feelings hurt than I do being eaten away from on the inside from bottled up unresolved issue.
A little hurt feelings may get your plate noticeably dropped in front of you but stewing resentment will get a cup full of salt with every bit.
Die mutherflucker. LOL Not really but…
AmazonRed™ - so what?
August 20th, 2009
11:27 am
For Real – She should have let you finish.
But you can see why she might have taken it the wrong way!
Question for you tho. I know lying isn’t the answer, but what could she have done if she’s not over you, but you aren’t willing to be with her? You can’t pine for someone forever.
Melo
August 20th, 2009
11:27 am
INFAMOUS!
thanx for ur response.
I was the same thing in my first marriage.On the outside,everybody said,what a wonderful thing we had but me personally,i was hurting.
One day i just went back home,took my stuff and put it in storage and moved in with a friend and then called her on the job to tell her,”im out!”
In lyfe u got please Urself coz if u dont but please other outsiders,u die internally.
For Real
August 20th, 2009
11:27 am
None Monkey feeder: FUNNY…Gosh with no underwear though…LMAO – Yeah my boy was so fuggin mad when the popo showed up and they gave him 10mins to get his ish and leave. All he was thinking about was clothes for work. That’s why you got to love Walmart!
Professor…Miles Davis is playing
August 20th, 2009
11:27 am
@DK…keep her on repeat…I am really feeling your entries today.
Shoot I am trying to stick around for this match I love boxing and I hear ARED-ALI is warming up to Bone Crusher, “Never Scared”
@ Kimmie my heart and sympathy goes out to you and your friend.