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Too Soon?

After a break-up, it’s natural to want to get back out there and have a fling. It’s also normal to want a distraction from the misery and void the person has left in your life.

The problem is that sometimes you have post-relationship goggles. You see someone who is probably far from the ideal mate for you as The One, simply because they take your mind off, well the last The One.

Rebounding from a serious breakup takes time and it really needs to be realistic. I have been the rebound girl before and it only bothered me because the man didn’t tell me how recent the break up was. Actually, it turned out being “a break” not a break up, and our short-lived romance ended with a reconciliation with his ex-girlfriend. The one that I had no idea existed in such recent history.

If you want to return to dating after a break up, what do you think is too soon? If you are still having angry outbursts about your ex, is it really a good idea to start a relationship with someone?

Do you disclose your relationship resume, including dates, to the person you are seeing?

Do you think it’s possible for a new romance to have a good chance if one of you just got over a break up?

Do you think men and women rebound at different rates? Or is it more about rebounding in a different way?

481 comments Add your comment

770

August 20th, 2009
8:41 am

You need to get out of the house and mingle but you should always be mindful of others and disclose the truth. You can’t sit home and morn your misery, the situation will get worse. Every song played will tend to have a meaning towards you.

It’s Ok to date but you have to tell the truth.

Fulfilling Me (Back in Action)

August 20th, 2009
8:49 am

Morning All!

On Topic:
If you want to return to dating after a break up, what do you think is too soon?

I think it all depends on the circumstances of the break up. For me, whether good or bad, I allow myself time to breathe and just do me. It allows me to reflect and heal, then move forward. It takes however long it will take to get to that point.

If you are still having angry outbursts about your ex, is it really a good idea to start a relationship with someone?

No. All you energy is being directed at one person, which means you have not recovered, which means you will end up bringing baggage to the next person. To take time to relax ,relate, and release.

Do you disclose your relationship resume, including dates, to the person you are seeing?

No. As long as I have moved on and healed not necessary. Leave the past in the past and focus on the present.

Do you think it’s possible for a new romance to have a good chance if one of you just got over a break up?

Anything is possible. Will it be healthy, maybe not. I think its all in the persons mindframe and approach to the situation. Where does their motives lie.

Do you think men and women rebound at different rates? Or is it more about rebounding in a different way?

I don’t think men and women rebound at different rates. I think its the approach in rebounding. Again, I think it depends on the nature of the breakup that will determine the rebound approach.

Off Topic:

@Professor…computer crashed out yesterday. To answer your question, I am not in the HR field as of yet. Still trying to get the entry into it, but it will come. Just keeping my skills up by pursuing my Master’s and will work on getting my certification.

Stan

August 20th, 2009
8:50 am

I had broken up with a fairly long term on-again/off-again girlfriend about 2 weeks or so before I met the woman I would marry. She had recently become single as well and we were up front about the fact that we were looking for a rebound and nothing long term. We were both 21 by a matter of weeks. 4 months later we married. That was 15 years ago this October.

Sometimes the “rebound” is The One.

dw

August 20th, 2009
8:53 am

I don’t think that there is a certain period of time you need to wait, but you should be emotionally available to the next person. Once you break up, you become physically available and detached from your previous mate. However, you are still emotionally attached for a period of time and as long as you are emotionally attached you should not try to start a new relationship.
I think as guys, we welcome the new distraction and try to hide the emotional attachment from everyone, not just the new person and that’s unfair. I’ve been there and I’ve found myself getting extra angry at the new person because they did something similar to what the old person did. I say extra angry because I should not have been that angry at the first time that, that person did what they did, but since the old person had done it so often and I had not emotionally detached from them it made me that much more angry, and the new person was confused by it.
Be fair to yourself and your new mate by making sure you are not still emotionally attached to your former mate.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 20th, 2009
8:59 am

Hi WD interesting topic with some personal ramifications (unfortunately).

EVERYONE (notice the caps) think they are ready to get into a new relationship, and usually a lot sooner than they really are. I thought I was ready after my divorce. My “transition” relationship was probablly ruined before it ever had a chance to truly grow because I really was not ready to get involved (socializing good okay and helpful, but getting involved was not). Important point…It is not a matter of being over the “other person” particularly, it is a matter of being over the ANGER and the resentment still remaining from the hurts and injustices that brought the relationship down. This is where I messed up and many others I have witnessed also. Sure you are glad that azzhole or that biotch is out of your life, but chances are if they still emote the kind of response that makes you feel ANYTHING then you still have unresolved issues. I still had them and though the lady was incredible (my transition lover) she was human, and sooner or later humans are going to trip over any remaining raw nerve endings. She did, I blew up, and things were never the same. Bad part is that I thought I was justified getting upset…don’t we all?

Bottom line, it is not the person that you have to be “over” it is the unresolved anger or issues.

Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)

August 20th, 2009
9:03 am

@DW, I wrote my comment before seeing yours. Your illustration is exactly what I did and for the same reasons. Been there, done that (and fugged up).

Fulfilling Me (Back in Action)

August 20th, 2009
9:06 am

@dw

Couldn’t have said it better.

Grace

August 20th, 2009
9:20 am

Good morning! DW you nailed it on the head!

Grace

August 20th, 2009
9:20 am

Good morning! DW you nailed it on the head!

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
9:21 am

Mornting!

If you want to return to dating after a break up, what do you think is too soon?

Well, I’m always the one doing the breaking up. Either I walk away, or the guy has decided to make the relationship uncomfortable enough where I go ahead and end it. Either way, the end date is on me, so I have enough time to mentally prepare for the next phase. Once it’s over, I can be open to recieving another relationship.

If you are still having angry outbursts about your ex, is it really a good idea to start a relationship with someone?

Yeah, that is why I cut off all contact with my exes after we break up. No risk of that there!

Do you disclose your relationship resume, including dates, to the person you are seeing?

If he asks, yes. I typically operate under the assumption that if we are not exclusive, we can see other people.

Do you think it’s possible for a new romance to have a good chance if one of you just got over a break up?

Yes.

Do you think men and women rebound at different rates? Or is it more about rebounding in a different way?

Each person is so different I wouldn’t even want to make it a men vs. women thing.

Grace

August 20th, 2009
9:23 am

WOW a double post! sorry bout that I’m downloading a software…

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
9:24 am

That’s an awesome story, Stan!

Blow Me

August 20th, 2009
9:34 am

Good Morning ALL

Smh @ **ARED** Do you think it’s possible for a new romance to have a good chance if one of you just got over a break up?

Yes.

I do not think she is including flings. If you have had a good significant relationship and NOT a fling…Which I see you always seem to have those. It will take you a while not forever to process your feelings and to displace those properly. If you have not had a significant bond it is ALWAYS easy to walk away. I think you get relationships and FLINGS confused. lol!

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 20th, 2009
9:37 am

For me, I think rebounding is not that great because breakups are terrible. I read in a study once that psychologist found that the feelings of breaking up or being dumped are almost equivalent to mourning a loved one. It is really heavy on people.

What I think is to soon is about 2-3 months. The person and their routine is still somewhat in your system. 1 thing I always do after a breakup is take what I call a “reflectionary celebratory period” i.e., do what you want to do without worrying about your ex and other people. Not hurting people, but just shooting from the hip. Go out, have fun, do different stuff and all the stuff you wanted to do but didn’t get to because you were in a relationship. I usually try to do something different, change up my look, upgrade my wardrobe, and also work out and just get ready to get back in business. Its like losing the super bowl I’m sure. You take a few months off then refocus and try to come back better.

I definitely disclose my dating resume because I want to open up and not be mysterious in this area.

I think guys (if they got dumped) rebound slower because they don’t want to deal with the same ordeal again so they take their time and are more cautious.

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
9:44 am

LMAO @ Blow. You’re tarting early this morning.

No, I am not talking about flings. See Stan’s 8:50. I can happen for some people. You need to get out more. Just because it doesn’t happen in your world doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

Blow Me

August 20th, 2009
9:57 am

Never said what could not happen. Follow my post correctly.

My point was we are referring to R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P-S not FLINGS. Huge difference.Those short lived stunts you call relationships are NOT. Rebounding is harder when you have true invested feelings and Love.

Everything that’s broken needs time to heal.

No one is tarting just sick of reading your off the mark post everyday…You miss up the whole groove with your smack.

But please don’t respond and just carry on.

SexyCool - If you could feel my joy.

August 20th, 2009
9:59 am

Three Words Daily – Peace. Be still.

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:00 am

Blow…goodness, you are putting 20 on 10 today.

WD’s question was if it was POSSIBLE. She didn’t say definite, she didn’t even say LIKELY. She said POSSIBLE.

All I answered was “yes.” As in yes it is POSSIBLE. Not definite, not absolute, not even likely.

You, in turn, took it and ran with it.

I know you need time to heal after a relationship. DUH!!!! That’s not what the question was about.

Get a grip, dude.

SexyCool - If you could feel my joy.

August 20th, 2009
10:01 am

Casual dating after a breakup? Sure. Why not?

Looking to jump into another relationship without some time for whatever you really need time for? Not a good look.

You can become a serial monogamist without even realizing it.

Professor

August 20th, 2009
10:02 am

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen:

I have disclosed that I like to sit on the bench. So you all know that I do the self-imposed timeouts. I like taking that time to reflect and to look at what I did wrong and what I did right. I do not date casually so I don’t do the flings unless a fling can be considered getting to know someone and finding out he is a liar and a loser and I take off running.

@Stan great story! It gives me hope and a reason to stop questioning everything.

@Fulfill thanks for answering me…

@ARed…naw I am not going to say nothing…never mind.

Magnolia Peach

August 20th, 2009
10:04 am

I need to know the answer to this as well! I recently called it quits (FOR REAL THIS TIME) with an on again/off again beau for the past 4 years. Although I am enjoying this “reflective” time to get my thoughts together and focus on my wants, needs and desires (cliche, I know), I am sooo ready to get back in the saddle and paint the town red with a new, hot(ter) guy on my arm.

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:05 am

@ARed…naw I am not going to say nothing…never mind.

Professor – Aw shucks. I think you should say it. ;)

Leggs

August 20th, 2009
10:08 am

Good morning.

I like this topic simply because so many in blogsville say the best way to forget about someone is to get under someone and I vehemently disagree. After a breakup one should take time off and heal the emotional wounds before entering into another relationship. If you’re hurting so badly that you need to get under someone else to make you feel better then you need to step back, look hard at the mirror and start loving yourself. Just because one is horny is not enough reason to get under someone just for the hell of getting under someone. MHO!

Mike Jones (who)

August 20th, 2009
10:08 am

Magnolia
I’m with you on that. I’ve just finished dealing with a similar on and off relationship. The on and off makes it seem like you have been single longer than you really have. Its time to get off the bench.

PUT ME IN THE GAME COACH!

SexyCool - If you could feel my joy.

August 20th, 2009
10:14 am

I do not heart people who lie about how long it’s been since their last relationship.

Professor…Miles Davis is playing

August 20th, 2009
10:15 am

@ Magnolia Peach- I feel like it depends on you and the type of relationship you came out of. A lot of relationships were dead for months before the break up became official so there is no magic number. I will say reflecting and allowing time to breathe is key.

@Ared, nope it is too early to let you borrow my vest…Lol.

***When is Friday coming and why is it taking so long???***

Leggs

August 20th, 2009
10:15 am

@ARed, forgot to put this is my last post. Did you really do all the breaking up in your relationships? That’s somewhat admirable, but you might be the only person where the guy never did the breaking up.

Blow Me

August 20th, 2009
10:17 am

**Ared** I knew it you can’t follow directions if it was pasted on your forehead….smh! I specifically said please do not respond…Carry on with your day! Geez! Stop it.

Wise Diva

August 20th, 2009
10:17 am

Good morning everyone!

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:19 am

That’s somewhat admirable, but you might be the only person where the guy never did the breaking up

Leggs – As stated, there are some guys who won’t break up with you, but will check out of the relationship or make it uncomfortable enough where the woman gets fed up enough to break up with them.

So just because I initiated “the talk” doesn’t mean that I was the first one to realize it wasn’t working.

SexyCool - If you could feel my joy.

August 20th, 2009
10:20 am

Wise Diva

August 20th, 2009
10:21 am

new rule! No battles before noon, retract all claws, and play nice for like 90 more minutes LOL

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:22 am

I specifically said please do not respond

And who are you heffa? No one. I don’t have to follow your directions. Are you serious? You probably are. BWA HA HA HAHA!!!! @ you thinking you can call shots in my life :lol: :lol: :lol:

Do some yoga, learn tai chi, get laid. You really shouldn’t walk up in to the blog so hostile. Breathe chile.

Newsflash – I am entitled to my opinion whether you agree with it or not. Accept that or sit over behind your computer screen getting “sick” at my posts. Hilarious!!!

Mike Jones (who)

August 20th, 2009
10:25 am

Ding Ding Round 2!

Fulfilling Me (Back in Action)

August 20th, 2009
10:27 am

Ya’ll whew…I tell you what…interesting

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:27 am

WiseDiva – All I did was come in this morning and answer your blog questions.

*smiles sweetly*

Leggs

August 20th, 2009
10:28 am

@ARed, I definitely know about those who won’t do the breaking up but makes the relationship so unbearable that you wind up doing the breakup. As many MLBs have stated here, they like to leave you with the impression that it was actually your idea when in reality they already did the breakup without saying the words!

Ok, ladies, most of us still have the sleep in our eyes. Claws are out too early today!

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 20th, 2009
10:29 am

A lie dont care who tell it..

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:32 am

As many MLBs have stated here, they like to leave you with the impression that it was actually your idea when in reality they already did the breakup without saying the words! </i.

Leggs – Exactly. It was just my way of saying I’m hip to that game and recognize that it’s been run on me a time or two.

Even still, since the ball was put in my court, I can get my strategy together too.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 20th, 2009
10:34 am

At any rate..

I have said it before and I’ll say it again.. You have to be ALONE for a while to get you back.. Get by yourself to get to yuorself because so much of you has been intertwined with this other relationship.. Reel yourself in give yourself time to grieve and then get out there.. You aint missing nothing.. Its only fair to the next chick or dude.. Then once you get out there be honest.. What have you got to lose?

Blow Me

August 20th, 2009
10:35 am

I am with you **Infamous** It don’t not at all.

Ared- Told ya…can’t do it. You always got to run the big mouth of yours…

Leggs- Ok just for you. lol…You always had a way with me. But really YOU know she DOES all the dumping! In her beautiful mind. I’ll give you til noon Miss Leggs…Claws will be back out after lunch.

Melo

August 20th, 2009
10:35 am

they like to leave you with the impression that it was actually your idea when in reality they already did the breakup without saying the words

clap clap!!

as long as u agreeing to getting laid,u maybe on the ride for smetime.

I,melo,neva broke up with my ladies.
I always let ‘em break up with me. :lol:

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:37 am

Ared- Told ya…can’t do it. You always got to run the big mouth of yours…

Blow – I don’t HAVE to do anything. Again, you are no one to me.

But since you feel folks have to follow directions. Let’s see if you can stop blowing your hot air.

Professor…Miles Davis is playing

August 20th, 2009
10:38 am

ARed a nod to you if you are dumping them dudes like “Waste Management” when you see the “mess” not working. I truly agree with moving on when you see game being administered.

SexyCool - If you could feel my joy.

August 20th, 2009
10:38 am

I would like two ringside seats for the afternoon blog battle. Bout begins at 1201p. ~Teasing~

AmazonRed™ - so what?

August 20th, 2009
10:38 am

I,melo,neva broke up with my ladies.
I always let ‘em break up with me.

:lol:

Ms. Main

August 20th, 2009
10:40 am

If you can roll like that, then do you. I personally still have residual stuff going on. Just from the outside looking, men seem to be the gender that bounces back quicker. Not that some don’t and not that women can, just what it appears to be overall.

Ms. Main

August 20th, 2009
10:42 am

not that woment can’t…is what I meant

Professor…Miles Davis is playing

August 20th, 2009
10:42 am

Melo never telling the ladies bye-bye!

Leggs

August 20th, 2009
10:42 am

“Get by yourself to get to yuorself” If I knew how to needlepoint, I would put this on a pillow (only I would spell the word correctly). :wink: I firmly believe in that statement. Much love, Infamous!

@Blow, {{{hugs}}}. Luv ya!