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Clocking In

One of the things that single women really like about meeting a new guy with potential is his willingness to share his time with us. The mystery man can be sexy and alluring in his own weird elusive way, but the man that is consistent and open with his life gets taken a lot more seriously.

I have noticed that a man who wants to be in a relationship with a woman he truly desires he makes the effort to show her who he is. It’s like a subtle way of reassuring her that he wants her to be comfortable with him. At the same time, I think a woman who wants to be in a relationship with a man would be open to showing him that she is just as invested as he is.

I admit that I have a big problem with this. I know, you’re shocked, right? Maybe it is because I have been single for 100 years or have dated some possessive men in my past. I just don’t like it when a guy wants me to clock in, tell him where I am all the time, etc. I realize it doesn’t look good when I answer the question, “Where are you?”, with “Why?”, but it’s a bad habit. I’m working on it though! I think in a way I think that relationships represent a loss of freedom that I cling to…a little too hard.

Do you have a problem with checking in with someone you are dating? Do you think it makes the person feel more a part of your life?

Have you ever felt like dating someone was like a job where you had to clock in and put in some work? Why do you think it feels that way? Is that a sign that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship?

If the person is right for you, would you mind that you were giving up a little freedom to be with them?

195 comments Add your comment

Fulfilling Me (Rested!)

August 19th, 2009
8:52 am

Good Morning, All!

I don’t have a problem with the question, but the manner and tone in which it is asked. If I feel like I am being checked or controlled, my defenses will come out quick. I will ask just as a conversation piece, nothing more, nothing less. I like my SO to feel apart of me and will often share my daily excursions with him.

When things start feeling like a job, I 1) try to determine why, 2) discuss, and 3) find a solution. If the solution doesn’t alleviate the issue, then its time to push forward. My relationship should be my peace. I understand relationships take work, but I don’t want it to feel like a job.

I think we all give up a little freedom when you are in a relationship, two are working to become one.

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
9:00 am

morning beauties! *i can’t sleep*

Raqi...On the Clock

August 19th, 2009
9:05 am

“Checking in” is for the wedded. And it’s not checking in then but merely notifying your other half of your whereabouts because you two are accountable for and two each other. That accountability simply does not exist outside of marriage.

Anything new in your life will always feel like putting in work. And anything worth having is worth working for.

If you keep wording it like “giving up a little freedom to be with them” it will always feel less attractive. It’s purely spending time which is quite simply the thing you do with your friend, family and associates.

And what, pray tell, is this freedom you speak of?

(This blog is akin to crack-cocaine)

AmazonRed™ - I, Robot

August 19th, 2009
9:06 am

Morning everyone.

I think it’s natural to share information about your wearabouts or check in, as the relationship progresses. I don’t mind having my guy concerned about my wearabouts. If I come up missing, I’d want someone to notice and know where I was the last time we spoke.

However, the whole checking in thing can’t be forced though. It can’t come from a place of distrust. That shows. When I went off to college, my HS sweetheart who was left back home wanted to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. I had to remind him that I had a Daddy and even he asked less questions than my man was. That behavior got him kicked to the curb pretty quickly!

And I don’t mind

QC

August 19th, 2009
9:12 am

Morning Bloggers – have a great day :)

ImAPeach404

August 19th, 2009
9:14 am

Like others, I don’t have a problem with the questions and, to me, it doesn’t feel like work… my perception is my reality.

If I ask a man where he’s going (which I probably wouldn’t) and he has a problem telling me, I’m going to automatically think he’s up to no good. I don’t want to give off this vibe – so, I answer the questions. To me, it’s about providing a level of peace in the mind of the person I’m with. I believe that eventually, if you answer the questions enough times, they will stop asking.

And as Raqi stated, anything worth having is worth working for. Having and maintaining a relationship is worth the work – and the questions – so I don’t mind doing what it takes.

Professor...I cannot get enough of this K'Jon

August 19th, 2009
9:15 am

It’s a beautiful morning!

Well I am cool with touching bases with the person I am dating as long as it doesn’t seem like a chore. I will send a quick text if I am out shopping or something; on the contrary I am a big girl so I don’t want to be treated like a child. Balance is the key.

Is that a sign that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship?
Long story short, it is a sign that you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with THAT particular person. When you are with someone you want to be with you don’t even realize that you are “clocking in” all you know is you want to hear his voice on the other end of the line, and your heart smiles :) when you see a text from him.

If the person is right for you, would you mind that you were giving up a little freedom to be with them?

I do not have a problem with giving up some of my freedom for the right person. In the past when I was in relationships that I did not want to be in I craved freedom. As childish as it may seem I can remember turning off my phone or making myself unavailable just to capture a few moments of freedom, because “freedoms where I wanted to be (Chrisette Michele).

Off Topic: Maxwell, Common and Chrisette Michele is coming to Phillips 10/5. Steve Harvey is now a guest commentator on GMA (huge) answering questions on relationships!

QC

August 19th, 2009
9:16 am

PUBLIC BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT -

MY CHURCH CHOIR “ANOINTED VOICES” ADVANCED TO THE NEXT ROUND TO COMPETE IN THE ‘HOW SWEET THE SOUND’ COMPETITION IN SEARCH OF THE BEST CHURCH CHOIR IN AMERICA – OCTOBER 2ND @ 7:30PM – PHILLIPS ARENA – I’d appreciate everyone’s support i’ll keep the blog posted WE’RE SO EXCITED :)

Raqi...On the Clock

August 19th, 2009
9:21 am

Neither can I Angie.

Tazzee - On Cloud 9

August 19th, 2009
9:22 am

Good Morning!!!

If the person is right for you, would you mind that you were giving up a little freedom to be with them?

No problem at all. As a matter of fact, I didn’t even notice I was ‘giving up a little freedom’ – it was a natural progression.

I don’t have a problem with ‘checking in’ at all, I just had to get used to it. I check in with my friends when I travel, but the calling when I got home took some getting used too.

It’s not work when it’s someone you want to be with.

Pretty Wings

August 19th, 2009
9:24 am

Habari za asubuhi Bloggers!

I don’t have a problem with “checking in”. Although I don’t want to feel like I have to, because if I’m into that person and they are into me, it won’t be a “check in” it will be a “Hi , I hope you are having a good day” or something worth calling about. And yes, WD I have been in relationship were I felt like I had to have my phone in my hand ( not a good look, too stressful).

I guess ideally with the right person, most issues we have with giving up our freedom won’t exist because hopefully, that is the person who really “gets you”.

And yes, I believe that you can be single for so long that that it becomes more difficult to be inclusive.

Have a great Day…… will check in later! :) P

Poppa Grande

August 19th, 2009
9:28 am

From the day of conception, I’ve been taught that nothing in life is free. We even pay $25.00 for so-called clean Atlanta air through the emissions test. Everything has a cost. You can’t just get a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes without giving something up in return (namely money). Even if they are without monetary cost, you still have to spend time and effort in getting them.

The same is for relationships. Giving up certain freedoms is part of the costs for a relationship. Is it always easy?No. You have to weigh if what you want is worth the cost for you. It is a personal question. This is one area where I have the most respect for Staceye. She readily admits that she loves her freedom, and has no plans of giving that up. It may mean that she will not be in a relationship, but she is being truthful and honest with herself.

Also,remember your mate has to pay a cost, too. It causes problems when they don’t (or is perceived to not doing their part).

As far as it feeling like a job, it does feel that way a little in the beginning. Humans are creatures of habit, and we don’t like getting out of our routine or what feels comfortable. So, in the beginning when things are changing, you have to put more effort into a situation. Studies show that it takes about 20-25 days for a new action to become a habit. Which means that more effort is put forth during that time. Once it is a routine, it becomes easier and in some cases second nature.

Professor...I cannot get enough of this K'Jon

August 19th, 2009
9:29 am

Angie/Raqi I am with you on not being able to sleep. I dreamt of my daddy last night (bittersweet) and that took all I had.

AmazonRed™ - I, Robot

August 19th, 2009
9:33 am

Nothing comes between me and my sleep! What’s on your mind ladies?

SexyCool

August 19th, 2009
9:33 am

Three Words Daily – Maintain gratitude’s attitude.

SexyCool

August 19th, 2009
9:35 am

Ah, the checking in of it all. Appreciated if he does. Noted if he doesn’t. Don’t ask questions either way.

Whether you are into me or not, it shows. It’s up to me to pay attention and not project my desires onto reality.

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
9:37 am

**I like my SO to feel apart of me and will often share my daily excursions with him.**

yep!

**It’s not work when it’s someone you want to be with.**

uh huh.

when i start to check in, its usually me inviting him into my world.

Ms. Main

August 19th, 2009
9:37 am

Giving up certain freedoms is part of the costs for a relationship.

This kind of mindset is what keep the wheels in a relationship turning and not exclusive to just checking in. Being in a relationship should release one from the buffet of availables. Giving up freedom while not being imprisioned. Gotta be voluntary though.

Leggs

August 19th, 2009
9:40 am

Good morning everyone!

Grown folk don’t like the phrase “checking in,” especially men (from what I’ve heard over the years). When you’re involved and growing with a person, it only feels natural to let the other know what you’re doing and where you are. Not every 30 mins as if you’re tweeting or updating FB, just touching base with that person you’re interested in cuz safety is a big issue in 2009. You can’t even go to the store w/o the possibiility of never returning back home.

Ms. Main

August 19th, 2009
9:40 am

Don’t ask questions either way.

I don’t either…seems to have a suffocating affect (IMO). If he doesn’t volunteer it, I’m not asking. And if not, don’t ask or expect me.

Melo

August 19th, 2009
9:40 am

I realize it doesn’t look good when I answer the question, “Where are you?”, with “Why?”, but it’s a bad habit

It is not a bad habit Wise Diva It is a Playa habit!!

Just do u!

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
9:43 am

@Professor, ARed, Raqi
today is the day! the day i stop the foolishness.

my gf spent a lot of time on the phone with me last night and help me realize that it can’t go on anymore.

if something is not adding value to your life, let. it. go.

Raqi...Still Waiting for A Crib

August 19th, 2009
9:45 am

I agree with the voluntary disclosures. When you are into someone and they really a part of your life, and I mean a PART OF YOUR LIFE it becomes automatic.

I also found that while dating informing your SO of your plans and whereabouts helped to not overlap plans. And it’s also good for your safety and makes it easier to get in touch with.

Professor...I cannot get enough of this K'Jon

August 19th, 2009
9:45 am

I will say this…I do not do the Santa thingy “making a list and checking it twice.” I am either hot or cold, which means I am feeling you or I am not. So I really could careless either way at the end of the day. It is always cool to know that someone is thinking of you, however I know this guy that sends out a GM to everyone in his phone. He laughs about how it makes the ladies feel special.

AmazonRed™ - I, Robot

August 19th, 2009
9:47 am

if something is not adding value to your life, let. it. go.

I’m proud of you Angie! You will sleep better once you rid dead weight in your life.

I sleep like a log. I may dismiss em quickly, but at least my mind is at ease. :lol:

Good luck!

And if you stumble, I’ll be there to bark at you to get back on track! :P :lol:

Professor...I cannot get enough of this K'Jon

August 19th, 2009
9:48 am

@Angie I am happy for you! It is always good to see someone grow and stretch themselves to become better.

AmazonRed™ - I, Robot

August 19th, 2009
9:49 am

I know this guy that sends out a GM to everyone in his phone. He laughs about how it makes the ladies feel special.

Professor – I have this guy that does the same with “positive affirmations.” They are nice, but I never respond because I know he’s just sending them out as a mass text to the ladies.

He called me once and asked how come I never acknowledge his texts. I told him when I know they’re coming to me and me only, maybe I will!

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
9:51 am

hopefully this is not off topic too much, but i don’t do the *why didn’t you call back when you said you were? or i thought you were going to call me at such and such time!*

i can see how that would be irritating.

SexyCool

August 19th, 2009
9:51 am

Let me add – I can also tell when an individual is deliberately vague about their whereabouts and activities.

Not a good look for developing a foundation of trust and openness.

Poppa Grande

August 19th, 2009
9:51 am

Professor

Maxwell, Common and Chrisette Michele is coming to Phillips 10/5.

& Erykah Badu is coming to the ATL at the end of October.

Raqi...Still Waiting for A Crib

August 19th, 2009
9:52 am

A mere “hey where are you headed” is not the same as “where are you going, who will you be with, how long will you be gone, what will you do and what time will you get back?”

One is just a question while the latter is a sign of being possessive.

I have also learned that a simple question taken in offense shows a sign of guilt or non-commitment.

(I need another croissant)

Poppa Grande

August 19th, 2009
9:53 am

Erykah’s concert is combined with comedy of Rickey Smiley and Special K

Raqi...Still Waiting for A Crib

August 19th, 2009
9:54 am

My sleep issue was a result of sleeping in a smaller bed on a different side of the bed than I a used to.

M.(pronounced M dot)

August 19th, 2009
9:55 am

@Wise-I feel you on that loss of freedom.

I have definately dealt with women who I felt like I was working a job but from a different angle. The calls, text, date nights, really started to get routine. I like order but I really hate to plan. I would much rather still have that freedom feeling without knowing I am going to have to wear a monitoring device anklet.

I will be honest I think that is why I am not really looking for a relationship. I really like my space and like operating on my schedule. I cant imagine having to give up some of the things in my routine that I just do without even thinking. The whole checking in thing is not really me because I know I will not try to check in on you. I may say what’s going on what are you up to but if you dont spill the information, I am not going to keep pressing. If you wanted me to know, you would tell me and likewise for me. I think it may make them feel more apart of your life but also may enclose on your space.

ImAPeach404

August 19th, 2009
9:57 am

@Professor and Red – I know I’m the recipient of a routine mass text each morning. He’s just a friend so it doesn’t bother me. But what I’m 100% certain he is unaware of is this: If you send a mass multimedia/picture message to a Blackberry… every single phone # which the msg was sent shows up in the “To” field. If he we were dating, he’d be so busted. And if we were dating and I was crazy… lol

@Angie – I have no idea what you’re talking about but I can gather that this is probably a good thing. Good for you! And more importantly, good luck.

Poppa Grande

August 19th, 2009
9:58 am

That first week in October has some concerts: October 4: Metallica;October 5:Maxwell: October 6:U2 (U2 is so big that they have nearly sold out the Georgia Dome)

SexyCool

August 19th, 2009
10:01 am

I will be at The Fabulous Fox for The Color Purple with Fantasia next month.

ImAPeach404

August 19th, 2009
10:01 am

Let me add – I can also tell when an individual is deliberately vague about their whereabouts and activities.

@Sexy – word!!! Especially when it’s like 9pm and he says “Oh yea, me and my boys are just about to head out…” and you’re like “Oh yea! Wheres the hot destination tonight?!” (you know, making conversation) And he’s all “Ummm… I’m not sure. I really don’t know”

Yea right! Lol, I think they believe you’re going to just show up at the club or hide out in the parking lot. SMH.

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
10:02 am

@Professor, ARed
thanks! i’m looking forward to brushin’ my shoulders off.

i have a couple of ppl who sends out mass bible scripture text every morning. it’s nice to get the word when you least expect it.

Melo

August 19th, 2009
10:12 am

Angie,good for u!!

But,eehh, i had already send ur ticket,so we need to get that part of ur bizzness cleared off first,then u be on ur way,meloed,vitamin enhanced and rejuvinated! :lol:

(i didnt know,all this long, that u were in sexxual angst) :lol:

Tazzee - On Cloud 9

August 19th, 2009
10:12 am

Just got tix to the Maxwell concert. I don’t really care for him but my BFF does and he’s coming her birthday week so I got some.

Tazzee - On Cloud 9

August 19th, 2009
10:15 am

SexyCool – I’m still torn on Color Purple. I saw it in NYC (Fantasia was sick) and I’m not sure if I want to spend that $$$. I heard Latoya London was in it too and I really like her. Hmm, decisions…

For Real

August 19th, 2009
10:16 am

WD: Giving up certain freedoms?!?! Like what sitting at home in your draws and that one bra with the strap missing talkin bout you ain’t cleaning ish today?

I find it funny that all of the chicks on the blog don’t like to “check in” yet they are the ones that are always wanting the dude to “check in”. If yall feel that way it sure doesn’t show itself in your actions.

Paging Kym, Paging Dr. Faggit (oops dayum The Hangover) here is a good story for you but I can see some chick coming into the picture talking about “Why you got to be carring his ass?” lol…

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/otl/news/story?id=4371874

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 19th, 2009
10:17 am

Its Respect People.. Its just a common courtesy and respect for ones mate.

For Real

August 19th, 2009
10:20 am

Raqi: you left out “here put this GPS love finder on” cause I don’t want nothing happening to my baby. Oh here a backup battery too.

PG: Has Erykah fallin off that much that she is forced to do a show with Ricky (I like to laugh at my own jokes) Smiley and Special K. I mean Dayum!

Ared: Imma change your to “Kick Em”

Melo

August 19th, 2009
10:21 am

And he’s all “Ummm… I’m not sure. I really don’t know”

ImAPeach404,if he doesnt give u a run down of 2 or so places that they might end up at,coz that happens,then yeah,hes wishy washy for a “good” reason.Playa and uncommitted,like Diva.
Do u have a habit of showing up unannounced tho?

Fulfilling Me (Rested!)

August 19th, 2009
10:23 am

@ImA

Yea right! Lol, I think they believe you’re going to just show up at the club or hide out in the parking lot. SMH.

One of my exes tried to be all extra about his destination…why did his dumb behind end up 3 people behind me and my girl at the same club. SMH LOL

Poppa Grande

August 19th, 2009
10:28 am

For Real

Has Erykah fallin off that much that she is forced to do a show with Ricky (I like to laugh at my own jokes) Smiley and Special K. I mean Dayum!

No, what I heard is that she is one of those artsy types that likes to try different things and hates to be constrained in any particular box. So, it was her idea to attempt a comedy and music concert combination.

I imagine that she chose those two because they wouldn’t ask for more money than she was. I guess Steve Harvey, J. Anthony Brown, etc would want to be headliners in their own right and headliner money.

Beautiful ♥s MV7

August 19th, 2009
10:28 am

@Peach
**And more importantly, good luck.** thanks cause imma need it today!

East Point's Own

August 19th, 2009
10:30 am

I haven’t punched a clock since my UPS days in high school…LoL and I don’t intend to start back. But as it has been said in most relationships people communicate when and what they are doing freely so it should not be an issue. If a woman tried to keep track of my every move she would soon be keeping track of me dating someone else.

http://hispointofview.com