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What Did You Call Me?

I used to a real stickler about the girlfriend/my woman title. If I am expected to be your woman and all that comes with exclusiveness, the least you could do is introduce me accordingly. It was about the public declaration that we were both off the market. Why would my man object to that?

After countless unproductive debates, I finally got it. Guys won’t always feel the need to verbalize their commitment out loud. Men love a confident woman. If she is confident in herself and her relationship with her man, she won’t really need  to be called his girlfriend/woman. Also, A lot of men I know think it is juvenile and unnecessary. One of my ex-boyfriends used to say that if he told women he was with someone exclusively, he would probably get even more female attention.

I think it’s a matter of perception and behavior. How does the label change things? Should it change things? Do you believe that you are single when you are in  serious relationship? Would it matter to you if the person you are dating introduced you only by your name? What if they called you their friend?

If someone isn’t really into the titles/labels, does that mean they are keeping their options open or playing the field?

If you have had “the talk” what do you think should change in terms of expectations from one another in a dating relationship?

495 comments Add your comment

East Point's Own

August 14th, 2009
8:45 am

Every case when a female friend of mine has told me she was dating a guy who did not want to put a title on their relationship, it always ended up that he was seeing other people/cheating. In my opinion 95% of guys who use that line are doing so to avoid verbalizing their commitment. But women buy it so men will keep selling it. Most men or guys who try to behave as a man, will try to live by the words they say… if they won’t say it out loud you can’t assume that it is true.

I always advise the women in my life that I care about to run when a guy uses that line….and I have been right every time so far.

http://hispointofview.com

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 14th, 2009
8:48 am

Confidence doesn’t have anything to do with it for most ladies that I know. I think that argument will work on someone who is unsure of herself, though. Let’s call this Jedi Mind Trick #18. Yes, I believe fellas who refuse or go with ‘friend’ are making it clear to their people and mostly you that they’re keeping their options open… which leads to the whole “we know what we are to each other, why does it matter?” line of defense. Let’s call this Jedi Mind Trick #23.

Lastly, being single is not the opposite of being married. Being unmarried is the opposite of being married. Being single is the opposite of being in a couple. <—- that’s for if/when IV Real rolls up.

Happy Friday All…

Dan

August 14th, 2009
8:51 am

Good morning,

@EPO

I don’t know where you get that 95% from, but homie, that’s not all the way true.

I have no problem introducing my lady as my lady. I just don’t feel like I need to. When I’m dating a woman, she shouldn’t need me to verbalize my commitment to her, but when she does, I do.

@WD

Of course you’re not single when you’re seeing someone, you’re with that person. But what more needs to be made of it?

Pretty Wings

August 14th, 2009
8:52 am

Bonjour and Happy Friday Bloggers:

In dating, the only title that really matters is EX…..know when it’s over. LOL

OFF TOPIC:
I am really happy for Michael Vick and his breakthrough! I love the underdog and for anyone who has ever needed redemption…….And again I say rejoice!

Have a Great Day! :P

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 14th, 2009
8:54 am

Oh yeah, I didn’t clarify that Jedi Mind Trick# 23 is designed for the event when he says “I never said we were exclusive/gf/bf…you made that assumption…

Dan

August 14th, 2009
8:54 am

@My2

Please explain why it matters…..PLEASE….in a way I can’t articulate, I need the answer to that question

Sugar2

August 14th, 2009
8:55 am

@DK, I know u havent posted yet but wanted you to know. Im a sometime lurker & u read like a stand up/real kind of guy. No hidden agenda just wanted to compliment you.

Le Siren...TGIF!!!

August 14th, 2009
8:55 am

Perfect timing for this topic…I’ve been dating a wonderful man for 10 mos now. We’ve had “the talk” about being exclusive and decided that we’re only dating and sexing each other. That being said, we still don’t have an active “title”. I introduce him by his name only and he does the same…the awkwardness comes in when people ask me if he’s my “boyfriend”. I realize that most ppl in my position would use that term…but for some reason it still feels strange to me.

Dan

August 14th, 2009
8:55 am

“Jedi Mind tricks” and “verbalizing committments”….

What kinda dudes are out there right now that makes these statements accurate? Really?

Professor...this little falcon is now an EAGLE

August 14th, 2009
8:57 am

@EPO you took the words out of my mouth.

MR. Unknown

August 14th, 2009
9:06 am

Good morning,, lol @ my two cents, Jedi mind trick 1# What up fellas this is “Insert her name” this is the girl that I been telling you about, Fellas speak as one, ohhh right, right, nice to meet ya…She’s feeling like a star, and doesn’t have a clue what you were telling the guys.. ahhh the old days…

East Point's Own

August 14th, 2009
9:07 am

Dan… I am going to steal Mike Baisden’s answer.. I got 95% from “The Research Department”…LoL But I am not saying men have to always 100% of the time introduce a woman as his lady/girlfriend/etc. But there are many dudes who will never/rarely introduce her as such, as other have said they pull out the old ” why do we need to worry about what everybody else thinks we are” or the “we know what we mean to each other” lines.

Professor...this little falcon is now an EAGLE

August 14th, 2009
9:10 am

IMO, titles in a relationship works similar to job titles. In the words of DMX, “No one wants to be played regardless of the relationship.” With that said, do you want to go to work and have a job title as Clerk when you are really doing the work of a manager? On the contrary even if you are the “head honcho” at work, hopefully you are not always throwing your title around. I just feel like the proper relationship title is in order if it is a true meaningful relationship, and even if I introduce my man as “his name” and someone say is that your man I can say yes without the deer in the headlights look.

Poppa Grande

August 14th, 2009
9:11 am

Although 95% seems a little high, I agree with EPO’s post. It is a way to keep options open.

Le Siren

I realize that most ppl in my position would use that term…but for some reason it still feels strange to me.

Is the reason that the term “boyfriend” feel strange have anything to do with the fact that you are now an adult? I have many friends in relationship that feel funny calling a significant girlfriend/boyfriend when that person is over 30. The terms sound so highschool-ish.

East Point's Own

August 14th, 2009
9:11 am

I know of a case where a couple dated for 10+ years and have a child together…and al of a sudden one day the dude tells the woman that he had just gotten married to another woman and that their 10+ years together were over. FYI: this couple never lived together during this 10 year period, but he was very much against ever using labels such as boyfriend/girlfriend… he said that stuff was for kids…LoL I tried to told her to stop messing with ole boy, but I guess 10+ years of history and a kid clouded her vision.

East Point's Own

August 14th, 2009
9:13 am

alright, alright how about 93.265% is that better?

Raqi

August 14th, 2009
9:16 am

…if he told women he was with someone exclusively, he would probably get even more female attention.

cough bullshyt cough

However I will say or ask this, what does his body language say when he introduces you by your name only? Body language says a lot. If he stands 2ft. away with his hands in his pockets as says “this is my friend Mia” he is saying you are truly just a friend and he is open for interested candidates.

From my experience when a man is really into you and is claiming you as his acknowledging the exclusiveness of your relationship to others it will show on his face and in his body language. From what I can remember and from what I know now the most common gesture is the hand on the lower back during the introduction. Mason does it now when he says “this is my wife ‘Raqi’. I tend to touch his arm during introductions and also did so in the past in other relationships.

When it’s just a friend, it’s just a friend.

It has nothing to do with a woman’s confidence. That’s just some other crap that those with open options guys tell us.

Professor...this little falcon is now an EAGLE

August 14th, 2009
9:16 am

I will say this with all of the games, players and lies in Atlanta the entire title/label thingy is a red flag for me. I will take it a step further when a grown man or woman (I have used this line as well confession #2) “I like my privacy” of “I don’t want everybody in our business” and “Those folks are not real to me….” Well run because they are kicking that old 1992 Rent-A-Center game and they are hiding YOU.

Le Siren...TGIF!!!

August 14th, 2009
9:19 am

**Is the reason that the term “boyfriend” feel strange have anything to do with the fact that you are now an adult?**

I think that may be the reason… the term boyfriend does seem a little trivial. Maybe I’ll just take the Europeon route and start introducing him as my Lover:) I would love to see the looks on ppls faces when I did that! LOL

Raqi

August 14th, 2009
9:21 am

EastPoint & TwoLincolns I agree. It’s all mind tricks.

Another things is if the introduction is to close friends and/or family members chances are they have already heard tell of you so a simple name introduction is fine. They probably already have an idea of who you are to that person.

But a man introducing a woman to other available women as just his friend, he is letting those available know that he is not tied to anyone at the time.

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:24 am

Happy Friday all.

If she is confident in herself and her relationship with her man, she won’t really need to be called his girlfriend/woman. Also, A lot of men I know think it is juvenile and unnecessary.

Ah yes, another Jedi Mind trick men have played that women have fallen for. To me, it’s men with that mentality who are juvenile and uncessary.

Damn near everyone in life has a title. You are someone’s employee, someone’s child, someone’s enemy. So because you want a proper title in your relationship you’re now insecure?

Pligga neeze, go somewhere with that ignorance. :arrow:

Cloud9

August 14th, 2009
9:25 am

Women use the “He’s just a friend” more than men ever do. Also, how does a bi-sexual, if not full lesbian, always seem so ready to give advice about men? My man, I know he is mine there is no need for me to be concerned. He comes home to me and let’s me know that I am his one and only constantly, not just by his words or the title given.

Kym

August 14th, 2009
9:25 am

Good Morning All,

PoppaG I think it is the fact that it sounds like highschool. I just can’t get with saying hi meet my boyfriend at 37. I think if I bring said dude around enough folks would or should get the message we are together. Hello this is Baby Bubba, should be enough. I mean we came in the door together. If I know and he know..why ya’ll got to know and if he is with keep his options open..why not just say so? Honesty works and if she says nawww well your options are still open.

I actually know of a situation where a guy told his lady friend(I don’t think I like that either) of several years that he wanted her to be the one he took out the most but he wanted to date other folks. She said no..the idea was crazy to her and consider the length of their relationship it would be a step down…so she dipped. Hey his options are still open.

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:27 am

Ah…I should have known the ladies would have called a flag on the play before I even responded. Thanks mytwo. :)

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:29 am

Although 95% seems a little high, I agree with EPO’s post. It is a way to keep options open.

Thank you PG.

Ladies, don’t ever let a man convince you otherwise!!!

Dan

August 14th, 2009
9:30 am

So,

We go to a friend’s or a family set, I introduce you by name, and the fact that the people at the party know your name is somehow not enough?

I would’ve discussed you with someone at some point for me to be able to introduce you as ____ and the friend/family member go “oh, so you’re___”.

Come on people you’ve got to be kidding me

Poppa Grande

August 14th, 2009
9:30 am

EPO

alright, alright how about 93.265% is that better?

:lol:

My feelings is that it is more in the 80-85% realm. That is still high but doesn’t catch as many instances where there are just misunderstandings.

Raqi

cough bullshyt cough

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I agree for the most part. However, I will say that this darn wedding band seems to have some kind of attraction in it. Shoot, I have had to fend chicks away at times. I don’t if it announce just announces to some females that I am not a committment-phobe and that attracts them or what. At the gym last night, chick propositioned me. I declined but I know that she saw the band. She even said “what your wife don’t know…..”
I gotta quit working out the shoulders and back in tank tops. Nice shoulders must be some sistahs kryptonite. Oh well, back to crew neck t-shirts for me… :grin:

Even if I was that cheating kind of guy, this is town is not the place. Do you know how many Delta Sigma Theta females are in this town? They are all about 6 degrees of separation from each other. Hmmmm,Come to think of it, that female was trying to hem me up in a bad situation. :mad:

Raqi

August 14th, 2009
9:33 am

do you want to go to work and have a job title as Clerk when you are really doing the work of a manager

Professor I use that same example every time I get into these types of discussions with people. It’s funny how so many people put more effort into everything else except there relationships. We require certain things of our bosses but not of our mates. We give 110% to our careers but not to our relationships. Why is the relationship the burden in so many people’s lives when there is usually more bullshyt and sheeple going on at the job?

Kym

August 14th, 2009
9:33 am

LOL@PoppaG.. I am not in a sorority but I know..nevermind. Let’s just say everyone that says they are your soror ain’t your sista.

Feeling Sexy...Staying Cool

August 14th, 2009
9:34 am

Three Words Daily – Embrace joy daily.

abc

August 14th, 2009
9:34 am

It’s failure or refusal to commit. If you won’t say it, you won’t do it. If you don’t act it, you aren’t doing it. If you say that those things aren’t important to you, then commitment isn’t important to you. If your partner takes issue with that and you still don’t care, then you don’t care about them.

There’s nothing wrong with that, really, unless you try to portray a lack of commitment as something it’s not.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 14th, 2009
9:34 am

If someone isn’t really into titles, it does not mean that they are keeping their options open or playing the field necessarily. I think it is a direct connection to confidence in that person, relationship or situation that they are involved in. Maybe they are not 100% sold on this person yet and adding a label before they are truly proven can add unwanted pressure to perform and deliver rather just the casual and unassuming agenda they have been doing.

I guess with “the talk” what should change mainly is that you two are exclusive, and any other backups are released. I know some people who take this aspect to far…switching house keys, calling/texting everyday etc…

But my question for the blog and @ Wise, once you have the talk, how do you handle friends of the opposite gender? Once people become exclusive, they tend to be somewhat overprotective. Do you deal with that when it arises or play with an open hand?

Feeling Sexy...Staying Cool

August 14th, 2009
9:35 am

If I’m not your , I’m not your anything. Moving on.

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 14th, 2009
9:35 am

WISEY never ever gives these topics on the days I have the most free time. Grrrr

DAN Yes, really, they’re frolicking about in the world. I’m not saying every single interaction with someone other than yourselves need to hear a title, but resistance to acknowledging someone you’re in a relationship is suspect. I love the idea of having a true friendship with whomever you’re luvin on, but I’m sayin, that’s not what this is about…its used as a nondescriptor and disclaimer, if you will. Plus, I don’t take the word friend lightly, so that’s another issue. I’d almost rather hear
“This is ——- and I’m just givin her the business.”

MR. U trust, I’m on to you & your antics LOL I told the ladies they need to get you today. Definitely agree that #1 is in full effect, too.

Feeling Sexy...Staying Cool

August 14th, 2009
9:36 am

Let me try that again…

If I’m not your (insert proper romantic relationship title here), I’m not your anything.

Moving on.

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:37 am

A friend of mine was dating this guy. He proposed. She posted the ring on facebook. Everyone complimented her on her lovely engagement ring.

She comes on there and thanks everyone for the well wishes and then states “but we aren’t calling it an engagement ring…it’s a covenant ring.”

Hey, it’s her relationship, do what works for you and your guy. But really, what is the point in making it more difficult. Now she’s off explaining her ring to folks who don’t even really care for all that.

I just don’t see what is wronng with calling it what it is and why the extraness is even necessary.

Fulfilling Me (You can set me at a standard because I am the standard)

August 14th, 2009
9:38 am

Happy Friday, All!

How does the label change things?

A label shouldn’t change things if the two have been operating in that particular mood already. If anything it only enhances things (at least in an ideal world).

Should it change things? Only for the better

Do you believe that you are single when you are in serious relationship? No, because I am exclusive.

Would it matter to you if the person you are dating introduced you only by your name? No, if we have established what we are.

What if they called you their friend? That would bother me if we have established what we are. Don’t call me your friend if we are in a relationship. We are more than friends.

If someone isn’t really into the titles/labels, does that mean they are keeping their options open or playing the field? In my experience, it has been the playing field/keeping options open. I will attribute to this not solidifying what we are to each other.

If you have had “the talk” what do you think should change in terms of expectations from one another in a dating relationship?

For me, its just an upgrade. We have moved from one level to next. More rewards and benefits are available to you.

Sorry for the length!

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 14th, 2009
9:38 am

I was on the early shift, ARED hahahaaa! Good thing you’re here to tag in, tho. Gotta go…

Kym

August 14th, 2009
9:40 am

How about we just go the Facebook route..All relationships are complicated until full faith and trust are established.

Raqi

August 14th, 2009
9:40 am

I think it is the fact that it sounds like highschool

Kym that’s why I said body language can say what tongues won’t utter. My friend Brian and I used to go places together however he and I were never in a couple or even close to it. Folks saw us come thru the door together but after a brief introduction to those I knew it was clear to my girls that he was fair game.

Fulfilling Me (You can't set me at a standard because I am the standard)

August 14th, 2009
9:41 am

@ Professor…your 9:10 was interesting..It makes a lot of sense.

Poppa Grande

August 14th, 2009
9:41 am

Kym/LeSiren

I have friends that introduce each other as “this is my Ol’ Lady” or “this is my Ol’ Man”.

I don’t know how that is much better. However if they are content with it, who am I to judge?

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:42 am

Do you know how many Delta Sigma Theta females are in this town? They are all about 6 degrees of separation from each other.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Quite honestly, it’s really more like 3 degrees. Thanks Facebook! :lol:

Dan

August 14th, 2009
9:42 am

Maybe it’s just me

I’ve never been one for “leading [someone] on”, I really don’t do deception (that’s what made the stalker scary). I don’t git having to lie to someone about my intentions.

What part of the game is that?

Raqi

August 14th, 2009
9:44 am

LOL Poppa, but at least you are wearing your commitment openly. Those types of women are trifling. I know of a few guys that do not wear wedding bands but it’s merely because they either don’t like to wear jewelry or it gets in the way of their occupation. But I do know of one man where I work that does not wear a wedding band because he is still trying to live the single life.

abc

August 14th, 2009
9:45 am

AR, your friend may be referring to a ‘covenant marriage’, a specific legal definition in some states, and a movement that’s been going on for 10 or 12 years. It’s a lot more difficult to get a divorce if you have a covenant marriage (unless, of course, you go to a state that doesn’t have covenant marriage laws to get a divorce). Having a covenant marriage indicates a greater commitment. I applaud it.

Kym

August 14th, 2009
9:46 am

I like the Euro method:
“Hello I would like you to meet my lover Franco..” -I can dig it.

Great! PoppaG now I will hear all day “Who’s making love to your Ol’ Lady..why you were out making love.”

Fulfilling Me (You can't set me at a standard because I am the standard)

August 14th, 2009
9:47 am

@ Dan

That makes you one of few. Too many games being played. Shouldn’t even be games.

Professor...this little falcon is now an EAGLE

August 14th, 2009
9:48 am

***We give 110% to our careers but not to our relationships. Why is the relationship the burden in so many people’s lives when there is usually more bullshyt and sheeple going on at the job?***

If I knew I would be on Oprah’s couch promoting that NY Times bestseller! IMO plus firsthand knowledge most of us are on our 3rd or 4th job in life, however we do not have any hang-ups or baggage from previous jobs, but we bring all of that unnecessary junk in relationships. Hell sometimes I think we need to be paid to be in relationships and maybe we would treat each other right…j/k? Maybe I am not.

Hey Fulfilling! I just really believe in that…most of us would have a difficult time going to work with the wrong job title and pay. Hell we can take it a step further b/c most of us would have never applied for the job, and if we did when the offer came we would have declined the position? Why? The title, salary, duties etc. are not in line with our career goals, and Visa and the mortgage company will not reduce your debts because we low-balled ourselves. So my rule of thumb is I am not having that mess in a relationship. I want the proper title for the proper duties…same page…same time. I am not going to pretend that I am your wife when you call me a “friend.” IMO that mess is crazy!

Maybe I am wrong but I run my life that way. Point blank…Period.

AmazonRed™

August 14th, 2009
9:49 am

abc – I learned something new today, thank you!

I guess Facebook wasn’t the medium to go into detail about what the difference is. But a whole lot of folks were just scratching their heads like “okay, that’s a new one.” :lol: