It Might Get Loud
I caught up with a former coworker recently who told me that she had a dating dilemma. She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.
It’s nothing outrageous and it was a long time ago, but she is concerned about how her boyfriend will perceive her. She admits that he can be pretentious and she is afraid that he would get upset when he finds out that she didn’t grow up like he did, in a wealthy family.
When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons? What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun?
Have you ever dated someone that shared something about their past and it was a huge deal breaker for you? How did you handle that?
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296 comments Add your comment
Stan
August 13th, 2009
8:45 am
If it is a deal breaker, then he is not the ONE. Simple enough…just move along.
Dan
August 13th, 2009
8:51 am
Good morning,
I don’t like to be surprised by revelations during a relationship (”39?”). Tell me before it gets serious, let me make a decision as to how to react to what you’re telling me and then how I/we will proceed.
I mean, put it out there (the good and the bad) and let the person make an informed decision about, potentially, who they are dealing with.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
9:06 am
In between the commercials of ‘America’s Got Talent’ (my love’s new love) I was watching ‘Gary Unmarried’ and his dilemma was his ex-wife befriended his new love and he was afraid that the ex would tell the new-new some very unfavorable things about him leading her to no longer being attracted to him. Ironically the character received unsolicited advice from his early teenage son telling him to tell Ms. New-New himself. Everything that he thinks would harm his new relationship should she get the info from the ex he should just come out and tell her. Fortunately for him some of the stuff that he revealed was not disturbing to Ms. New. But we know that’s television and television has been known to romanticize and downplay the harsh realities. We live in a very unkind and shallow society.
All that to say she should tell him before he finds out some other way however still be selective in what she reveals. There is a certain thing as TMI. And sometimes while we think we are doing the right thing it can be harmful.
Just from what you posted her past doesn’t seem to be that bad. But the level of judgment is in the ear and heart of the receiver.
IMO when revealing something about yourself that could be less than honorable you should set the person up to be prepared to hear some awful news or info. i.e. “I’m about to tell you something really bad about myself”. Don’t do that. I say just let stuff come out in casual conversation. You are not hiding thing by not giving your entire life history on the first date. In fact the first date is not for that.
MR. Unknown
August 13th, 2009
9:15 am
I don’t like surprises, period!! If theres something in your past with the potential to just drop out of the sky and land on my head… Im going to be pissed, real pissed. I also don’t like looking stupid, like everyone in the room knows about your past except me thing.. Feed me the info bit here, a peice here, so that I can just digest it…
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
9:16 am
The more I think about it it’s a damn-if-you-do and damn-if-you-don’t situation. The people in this society that we live in will say they don’t want to be overloaded with your personal information when not in a serious relationship. But out of the other side of their neck will say they want to anything that may be unfavorable about you so they can decide if they want a relationship with you.
Heck outside of homosexual acts, child molestation, murder, a history of domestic abuse and animal mutilation everything else I would consider just a down slope in your life.
No one is perfect. If you grew up in the Gilbert-Huxtable household, don’t think less of me because I didn’t.
I was not wealthy growing up, my parents were. My feeding spoon was not silver. It was more like plastic. LOL
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
9:18 am
…stepping in only for a minute. Whew, does anyone want to help me out with some of this work? I am trying to get my desk cleared before I go out on leave.
Good Morning All:
I will be brief…
When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons?
Not worried at all, for the most part I have a pretty nice past and the stuff that made me a little grimy most men peeped that from the start it is part of the attraction, so they are cool with the story behind me.
What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? My bones are old and decayed…just a distant memory-adding flavor to my life.
Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun? See answer #1
Have a great day blog folks…hopefully I will be able to check in.
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
9:20 am
@Mr. Unknown…I truly feel you I agree 100%. I do not like surprises and I d@mn sho don’t like looking like a fool. Tell me what’s up…I am a big girl and I can handle it one way or the other aka STAY or LEAVE.
Dan
August 13th, 2009
9:21 am
@Raqi
WD’s post was about her friend and her new dude, not a date. My assumption at this point is that they are “together”.
Based on that assumption, if I were in the dude’s shoes, I’d want to know whatever.
Ultimately, if you are confident about the person you are (mistakes and all), telling someone about them shouldn’t be a problem. Unless it’s still a potentially criminal matter, who cares?
Pretty Wings( The Sun is Still Shining)
August 13th, 2009
9:26 am
Ohayo gozaimasu Bloggers:
Good Topic WD!
Let me preface my comment with:
“Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone”
There should be full disclosure and let the chips fall were they may. The right time to have the discussion is when they ask….. If what has been shared brings you closer, then you have your answer and if it does’nt move on.
Being transparent is a huge part of the process of building a strong relationship.
India Arie
Testimony 2
“I told him my biggest secret, then he told me four and that made me love him more”.
Have a Great Day!
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
9:27 am
Dan I didn’t say he was just a date. Where did you get that from?
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
9:30 am
@PW…great post!
Dan
August 13th, 2009
9:30 am
The “first date” comment at the end of your post.
Leggs
August 13th, 2009
9:33 am
Good morning. Great topic.
When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons? I wouldn’t be worried. We all have a past, and we all have done some dumb stuff over the years. Even if I had a criminal record, I would reveal that upfront (not the first day) and let you deal with it the way it fits your soul and your position in life.
What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun? Hmmmm, so fresh and so clean. Yes, I would.
Have you ever dated someone that shared something about their past and it was a huge deal breaker for you? How did you handle that? No, I haven’t. I doubt I could date someone who murdered someone, and I definitely couldn’t date a man that has been in jail for domestic violence.
@Professor, “stuff that made me a little grimy” – I like that.
MR. Unknown
August 13th, 2009
9:38 am
LOL, I have a quick question, off topic… If I let the elevator door close in someone face on purpose, would that be consider lack of tact.. The reason I let the door close in her face, was because she is the same person that let it close in my face. She is the type, if there is one negro on the elevator, that is one to many. Orrr should I have killed her with kindness… Sorry, you should have seen the look on her face.. lol Whatever it felt good.. haha
M.
August 13th, 2009
9:41 am
I have dated someone who when discussing their past, it was a little checkered, but also this could have happened to any of us. Like she had a child and then got married behind her parents back. Its funny because I don’t know if she was rebellious because growing up she had more than we did I am sure. I have 5 brothers and 2 sisters (I am a twin and my 2 brothers are twins to). All in all, who am I to judge? I have no contractional obligations to anyone, so if you have something that I don’t like, I can move forward without her.
@Wise Diva
Good topic, another aspect that relates to this and we should examine are “GRAVE SECRETS” i.e., I am going to the grave with that. What about the things that only the closet people or only you know? Will we ever tell our mates and will EVERYONE be playing with an open hand, or is it if they ask you will tell them? Like that time you went on that all-girls trip to Jamaica or guys that business trip you had to take to Phoenix….I will stop there lol…
Pretty Wings( The Sun is Still Shining)
August 13th, 2009
9:41 am
I gotta leave the blog with this ole’skool on tune………….
Don’t Ask My Neighbor
Song
You’re wondering if
I care about you
Is there some cause
That I should doubt you
Oh, I can see, boy
That you don’t know me very well
Uh uh, you’re so unsure
And you run here and there
To ask my feelings
Friends only guess
They can’t say really, oh
Don’t ask my neighbors
Don’t ask the friends I hang around
(Never ask the friends I hang around)
Uh uh, don’t be afraid
To come to me (come to me)
Don’t ask my neighbors
anonymousella
August 13th, 2009
9:45 am
my policy is this: i keep my past under wraps unless it’s affecting my present, and i don’t reveal the details unless i have to.
in your friend’s case, though, it sounds like she may be worried about nothing. i would think that by the time you’re serious enough to have a conversation about your family and upbringing, i think you know whether you are in it for the long haul. that’s information that may raise an eyebrow, but not scare him/her off.
plus, i have noticed that people reveal their class background pretty quickly if you’re paying attention. he probably already peeped that she didn’t grow up wealthy, though he doesn’t know that she was a foster kid. if he was that pretentious, he would have bounced.
M'
August 13th, 2009
9:46 am
Dan is baaackkkkk!…lol
If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.
August 13th, 2009
9:47 am
Three Words Daily – Dream impossible dreams.
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
9:48 am
Confession: I just thought about this…a few years back I went out to dinner with this guy. We had spoken on the phone quite often, but it was our first (and last in-person date). I will never forget he laid everything on the line good, bad and the ugly. Dude told me about his bad credit (he said it was because of his ex) to his mother having a voodoo spell cast on her to all of his hopes and dreams and his aspirations. I left the date tired and depleted and I felt like I knew too much too soon. Most of all I felt too tired to get to know the rest of him.
I really don’t feel like I was judging him, I just feel like it was too much for a first date…or maybe I did see a heap of mess that I did not want to deal with…who knows and who cares?
D Dub of the MSP (formerly of the ATL)
August 13th, 2009
9:49 am
We all make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. The question is what did you learn from the experience.
It is better to find out from the source about what’s going on than to start figuring things out and lie about it. I dated someone in the past that told me one thing, but when I asked about anything that didn’t quite add up, she would get defensive and/or change the subject. I got to the point where I hardly believed anything she said and cut my losses. Had she been honest with me from the beginning, I honestly believe that I would have been OK with the truth – it really wasn’t that serious… but lying about it and insulting my intelligence gets you nowhere.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
9:50 am
Like she had a child and then got married behind her parents back
M(dot) I agree with you. That there ^ is no reason to paint someone black. It’s just life.
If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.
August 13th, 2009
9:51 am
Yes. I have done things in my past that would cause some to give me the side eye. As I learned better, I did better.
I would be far more concerned with the possibility of a checkered present than the history of a checkered past. However, there can always be circumstances that are exceptions to the rule.
The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!
August 13th, 2009
9:54 am
good topic diva…i have dated former “street walkers”…”drug dealers”…”accessories to murderer”…”kidnappers”…and straight grimy street chicks….but again that was there past not there future..i did not judge them…nor did it impact my choice in them…my maturity level and timing was the cause of the demise of the above relationships…everyone has a past period….i mean that “conservative” chick you know from cali…could have been the hood strawberry for all you know…what does it matter….accept the person you with now…
If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.
August 13th, 2009
9:56 am
Mr. Unknown – I am often surprised by the lack of elevator etiquette that people exhibit. Most notably, trying to get on before allowing people to exit. I always think to myself, “Ya damn nitwit. Does it not occur to you to step to the side for two seconds to allow people to get off and then there is more room for you to get on.?” Sheesh
As to your particular situation – ya’ did what ya’ felt like doing at the time. However, I always like to try to be the bigger person. (Although people make it VERY hard sometimes.) I just remind myself of this: You can’t be big and little at the same time.
I’m done.
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
9:58 am
@Rell that is quite a list and it is good that you can look beyond the past. I wonder just how many of us can truly do that without those thoughts giving away in the back of our minds.
The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!
August 13th, 2009
9:59 am
i found one of my favorite songs this morning…cause i am in that mood….naomi – white….lyrics below.but the lyrics with the beat is the bizness….is it friday yet
And what I do is what I feel
And what I feel is where I have to go
And where I go is where you are
My love, my fear, my beating heart
My simple answer that I’ll never know
And what I say is what I know
And what I know is what my senses say
And what my senses say is this
That when I’m sceptical is please
And when I dare to take on, makes my day
And where I go is where you are
My love, my fear, my beating heart
My simple answer, that I’ll never know
And what I say is what I know
And what I know is what my senses say
And what my senses say is this
That when I’m specptical is please
And when I dare to take on, makes my day
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:02 am
Dan you misunderstood what I was saying but oh well by now.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:06 am
Growing up in a group home she should tell him that she had a whole lot of brothers from a myriad of different mothers. That would break the ice.
Professor...she works hard for the money
August 13th, 2009
10:06 am
…I am out I don’t see any volunteers to help me with these PS.
I will say this before I go human beings are walking contradictions. We say we don’t judge or care, but we still have that doubt in the back of our minds. We claim that we are ok with something and three months later we have an epiphany that changes everything (or we talk to friends that change our views). We curse and praise in the same day and sometimes within the same hour. Not to mention we try to act big, but most of the time our words and actions are below petty on the measuring stick.
So as for revealing your past to someone you are probably subject to what that person is feeling at that moment and those feelings can change two weeks, two days, or two hours later.
Leggs
August 13th, 2009
10:09 am
@Mr Unknown, yes that was tactless. A tit for a tat. Not a good look on grown folk. Killing w/kindness would have been better. BUT, IT WOULDN’T HAVE FELT AS GOOD!
Grace
August 13th, 2009
10:13 am
I sum it up as we all have skeletons in our closet, some greater than others. At this point in my life there is nothing that surprises me when it comes to one’s past. It’s the past, unless you are still participating in it, then I’ll have to take a detour. I have a past, not as checkered but it’s a past that might raise a few eyebrows. As long his past doesn’t include, a murderer, child molester, drug dealer, a woman beater or a player, I will see him as a person who lived alot of life.
Wise I would email you but I don’t have your email address.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
10:16 am
You know I tell all my prospects about my past eventually and keep it on a need to know basis.. I’ve never been to prison but I have had some charges expunged, had a little probation and some house arrest but all that made me who I am.. Do I regret the mistakes I made? Yes and no. I do because I would never want my Son out there doing the things I did. Hustling did pay for college (no Student Loans)cause I knew I couldnt just run around here and hustle all my life. I think my past makes me a rare find because I’m reformed and can function in any environment. I see things other people would never see or pay attention to. Ive learned things a book could never teach you. The bad side of it all is.. I dont advocate anything Ive done over the years because the scars and the friends lost could never be reconsiled with the money I made. If I could give the cash back and see my patnas again I would. I have severe trust issues. I think the worst until you show me different. Ive seen things a war vet wouldnt talk about. Do I think I’m thugalicious? No because meeting me you would never know about my past. I have to accept the good with the bad becuase I didnt let the streets kill my joy or harden my heart so I consider myself lucky.
M. (pronounced M dot)
August 13th, 2009
10:19 am
@Raqi
Thanks for specifying.
@Blog
So what if you met someone and alot of the checkered past was old but they said that they have changed? Its funny because its a small world and I met this girl who I thought was realy high strung etc but through volunteering, I worked with a guy who knew her in college at FSU and let’s just say what he told me was shocking….
That’s the bad part about this business…people can recreate themselves especially in a place like Atlanta with alot of transplants. Don’t you all miss the good days when you could just ask around and find the dirt on someone and save yourself the heartache?
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
10:25 am
I believe in Honesty from the begin because if you are gonna have to accept me for who i am because I do. I accept me for me and at the end of the day thats all that matters. I can look myself in the mirror every morning and be ok with me.
If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.
August 13th, 2009
10:25 am
Grace – Men with “playa ish” in their PAST do not bother me so much as one with “playa ish” in their PRESENT.
M-Dot – Even in asking around, you should always consider the source.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
10:26 am
Morning Folks! I believe in disclosing my skeletons early on. Especially since most guys look at my life now and think that I’ve always been fairly straight-laced. If someone can’t handle my past, they aren’t the one for me.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:28 am
you should always consider the source
Thursday Morning Gospel at WMIA.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
10:29 am
If someone can’t handle my past, they aren’t the one for me.
Tazzee – I can dig that
Kym
August 13th, 2009
10:32 am
Good Morning All,
Wisey I think she should tell him and I think his reaction to whatevea she tells him will be a good judge of his character. Growing up in a group home or foster care so what? Teenage trouble with the law..please I can make a list of 10 things(each) some well known folks kids did and are still doing even now..really lets not go there. All that should matter is what is she doing now. If this guy means her any good(I am channel granny today I see) then he will take her teenage indiscretions and upbringing with a shrug and a grain of salt.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:33 am
I am lead to believe that it’s really only the ones who haven’t done anything worth talking about or mentioning that claims to have the problem with other folks past.
Some people have yet begun to live. And never will.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
10:35 am
M dot – I would give the person a chance to show that they’ve changed. Especially if the dirt was done in college. At this age, I don’t give too much creedence to anything done greater than 10 or so years ago.
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:35 am
Like Infa said up top, our past is what made us who we are now. Had most of us avoided life events and taken a different route we would not know what we know now nor be the one that we are.
M.
August 13th, 2009
10:36 am
@If it aint
Of course we should consider that but would you rather have some info with a grain of salt or no info at all?
Raqi
August 13th, 2009
10:37 am
I would give the person a chance to show that they’ve changed
Tazzee I too agree because if they have not changed it would show. And better yet it probably would have already shown.
For Real
August 13th, 2009
10:39 am
Mistake: Left the milk sitting on counter
Checkered Past: Did a 5yr bid for fraudulent check writing
Mistake: Forgot to walk Fee-Fee
Checkered Past: Shoplifting
Mistake: Left the toilet seat up… well naw you got two hands too
Checkered Past: Killing 4 people then running home and trying to cover it up
Grace
August 13th, 2009
10:40 am
M dot I remember those days, having the advantage of asking around about a particular person does save alot of heart/headache. In a big city you don’t have that opportunity to do that, you have to take the person’s word and hope they’re being forthright about it.
Dan
August 13th, 2009
10:42 am
@M’
Question: why would anyone “ask around for dirt”, when the person that could best give you that information is the person you’re dating?
I mean, if they revealed the information, fine now you know. If they don’t reveal something that pops up later, the fact that they didn’t share it with you tells you something about that person.
Either way, asking around tells you nothing about the person in the present tense and how they conduct themselves now; asking around gets only old information that may or may not be relevant.
And really, for me, asking someone besides me tells me more about you – regardless of what you find.
M.
August 13th, 2009
10:42 am
@Grace
You know it! When I lived in Chicago or was in college in Minnesota, somebody knew somebody and could dish out the dirt, and this was before google!
@Blog
If you could pay to get some valuable information about the person, other than a background check, would you?
selema
August 13th, 2009
10:43 am
i feel like the things that happened in your past are what made you are in the present and if whoever your significant other is cannot look past that and see the good in you now then they are not worth worrying about, Your a better person than that and you should know that.
If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.
August 13th, 2009
10:45 am
M-Dot – I would rather trust my own instincts and judgement. Most often, that serves me rather well.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
10:45 am
For Real – You have a point and I would agree. Yes my past was checkered.
Grace
August 13th, 2009
10:46 am
Sexy it’s always a consulation to know that not every man has a play”ish” past
One action, taken now, can have powerful consequences far into the future. That fact can be a blessing or a curse, depending of course on what the action is.
Time will magnify whatever you do. So even in the smallest matters, do what is right.
The direction and purpose of each effort are much more important than the size of the effort. For over time, all your efforts will add together to exert great influence on your life and your world.
Your future consequences are being born right now. This is a moment of great opportunity.
Point all your actions, large and small, important and seemingly insignificant, in the direction you wish to see your life move. Time will combine all those actions into an increasingly powerful set of results, and now is when you can choose those results.
With your efforts, choose to put time on your side. Make the future your friend by making the most of right now.
M'
August 13th, 2009
10:47 am
Uh @Dan
To bring you up to speed…we have a M. (pronounced M dot) who is male…and then we have M’ (pronounced M apostrophe)…which be me…the female…lol
For Real
August 13th, 2009
10:48 am
If you were someone’s top producing prostitute, I need to know.
If you were on the wall of fame in 7 scrip joints throughout the southeast, I need to know.
If yo mamma is raising two or your kids, I need to know.
If big mamma is raising yo other 3 kids, I need to know.
If the CDC has your number on speed dial, I need to know.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
10:49 am
M dot – nope. If I have an inkling that I might need information that I need to pay for, then I’m not going to invest much more time in that person. I’d rather go with ‘my first mind’. My background checks stop at googling folks – and most times I do that with the person present so we can see what’s out there on the net about them. I’ve never even secretly googled anyone.
Although I did date one lying mofo that should have been checked out…but I suspected something was up with him in the first month – shoulda went with my first mind then.
M'
August 13th, 2009
10:51 am
M.
If the information (i.e the dish/dirt) came from a reliable source that I trusted to have my best interest at hand, then I may weigh it into consideration…again, looking at the source…and unless there was some reason for me to suspect that a person was not being completely transparent with pertinent and essential details (that are more indicative about present character and not some past discretion of nil consequence)…then no I would not pay for the information…at that point, my interest would have waned and I would be like smoke signals…in the wind…lol
For Real
August 13th, 2009
10:53 am
“M. (pronounced M dot) who is male…and then we have M’ (pronounced M apostrophe)…which be me…the female” – Why don’t yall just use the male and female symbol.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
10:53 am
Grace – That was a good one. I had a monumental shift of ideas and began to devote my life to doing whats right. I began to walk in the direction I wanted to go and so far it has yielded positive results.
The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!
August 13th, 2009
10:56 am
i can deal with most things but his right here
If yo mamma is raising two or your kids, I need to know.
If big mamma is raising yo other 3 kids, I need to know
i cant deal with…this really shows a lack of maturity
For Real
August 13th, 2009
10:56 am
Look it’s cool that you learned from past and that you think you are a better person but it’s still the other person’s decision if they want to consort with you. Getting defensive about YOUR PAST is silly. Hell I didn’t make the CHOICES YOU DID!
Girl dese men be trippin cause I voted top earner for 4yrs str8.
Man dese women be trippin cause I got 21 kids at 27yrs old.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
10:59 am
Anyone know a good dentist in the Perimeter area?
Grace
August 13th, 2009
11:01 am
Thanks DK! Way to go!
Kym
August 13th, 2009
11:02 am
I agree with Raqi..those with no business spend too much time in others. Now I have googled dudes..In the past I did alot of internet dating and so have my friends and as safety measures we looked dudes up..gave our location of dudes house and contact info in case someone came up missing. But if I want to know something I ask..I am too damn old for games.
@Tazzee you said mofo..I think that was the first time I have seen you curse on here..I knew I liked you
abc
August 13th, 2009
11:02 am
In keeping secrets about your past, you pose a greater affront by keeping the secrets than the affronts themselves represent, unless you’re a serial murderer, ex-hooker or erotic dancer, or something like that.
I won’t even bother with pointing out the obvious here!
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
11:03 am
For Real – I was actually agreeing with you about me calling those mistakes because they werent it was poor decision making.. I’m never defensive about my past. It is who I am period. I dont deny it I embrace it and if people cant accept it then that’s them. I understand how squares look at me its nothing new..
Kym
August 13th, 2009
11:10 am
All I can say about those judging past behavior especially if you are over 35 is ..REMEMBER FREAKNIC.
Compelling
August 13th, 2009
11:10 am
I definitely believe in letting someone you’re serious about know about your past. What’s the harm in it? If we’re going to build a life together or potentially have a partnership why wouldn’t I want you to know all about me and where I’ve been. It might even help you out in the long run. I believe that my story can be a cautionary tale for some, and more of a tesitimony for others.
WD, I do believe that she should speak with the guy she’s dating and tell him everything. I agree with what others have said about revealing in pieces so that it doesn’t become too heavy a conversation. Like Tazzee said, if you can’t accept the whole package then you’re not the one I should be with.
If I can tell you what I’ve been through and you can accept me for who I am now, then I can respect you. However, if I tell you what I’ve been through and you can’t accept the new and improved more enlightened me, then I respect that too. Everyone deserves a choice. By telling someone about your past, it’s giving that other person a choice and that’s only fair. Don’t deny someone their right to choose.
M'
August 13th, 2009
11:13 am
Personally, I would rather be able to have a transparent interaction with any person that I may be interested in…not a whole lot of TMI too soon, etc…but I have nothing to hide and be ashamed of about my past…there have been many unusual experiences,etc…and if anything that I choose to share in an attempt at getting to know more about me and also knowing me better as a person creates a concern for someone and it makes him uneasy…then so bit it…peace and later…my out of the box life may be too much for some ppl’s comfort levels and boundaries…cool, cuz me cain’t take it back.
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
11:15 am
If you could pay to get some valuable information about the person, other than a background check, would you?
NO! If you do this you are dooming a relationship, especially a potentially romantic one.
Trust is important! Snooping around just shows the level of trust & faith that you have. In return they may not have trust in you. Getting any information from anything/anybody than the source is potentially slanted from that other source.
Of course, there are certain things that you need to know. If the person doesn’t tell you, then that tells you what you need to know in order to make an informed decision. If they do, that also gives you pertinent information.
If you scared of heartache, put your big boy drawls on or don’t date period. Everything has a risk of hurting you. In leaving for work everyday, we risk the possibility of never making it back home. Yet, we do it.
MR. Unknown
August 13th, 2009
11:19 am
@ Kym Ohhh Freaknik…. smh I really hope some of those pictures and the video tape I was in have since been destroyed,,, lol…
Lady Low
August 13th, 2009
11:19 am
My past is no one’s business but mine.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
11:23 am
For Real – you are right. I don’t have a problem with anyone that has a problem with my past. Just like the guys that believe a woman that doesn’t have a good relationship with her father won’t make for a good mate. I’ll be the first to disagree, but if my estranged relationship with my father is an issue for a dude – so be it. We just weren’t meant to be.
Leggs
August 13th, 2009
11:25 am
HAAAAAAAA, I never understood Freaknic!
M'
August 13th, 2009
11:27 am
@Tazee
I have a good relationship with my father…he is and always has been an ideal role model as a Black man…as well as several other elder brothers in my extended family…yet, I am decidedly single for life…and what does that mean????…i.e. the absence of a strong father figure or the absence of an emotional healthy relationship with a paternal parent may influence, positively or negatively, how one views relationships, etc…but it is not the sole, primary or greatest factor in determining such an outcome.
Kym
August 13th, 2009
11:28 am
I always said if I ran for public office..I was going to save the media the trouble. I would have a binder printed of all my ex loves, and drama, my families stuff(they love to say what your family did) and then when folks start asking me stupid questions unrelated to the issues I would say..Please refer to page 43 in your binder, paragragh 3 line 2..should answer that.
Leggs
August 13th, 2009
11:29 am
Just found this, and it fits the topic:
The Bible gives us six building blocks for developing long-term relationships:
1. We must be considerate. “People want others to be loyal, so it is better to be poor than to be a liar” (Proverbs 19:22 NCV).
2. We must be confidential. “No one who gossips can be trusted with a secret, but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy” (Proverbs 11:13 TEV).
3. We must be candid. “An honest answer is a sign of true friendship” (Proverbs 24:26 TEV).
4. We must be constructive. “People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17 TEV).
5. We must be consistent. “Friends always show their love. What are relatives for if not to share trouble?” (Proverbs 17:17 TEV).
6. We must be committed. “Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers” (Proverbs 18:24 TEV).
M'
August 13th, 2009
11:37 am
@Kym
Amen…I would do the same…lol.
Tazzee
August 13th, 2009
11:39 am
M’ – I will be the first to admit that my relationship with my father had a negative influence on my relationships when I was younger, but so did a lot of other things.
Kym – I’ve just decided that I will never run for public office, or date anyone with plans to do so.
~Red~ New to the A
August 13th, 2009
11:45 am
I don’t have much of a past to tell men that I date, nothing to scarring or to scare men away. But I often wonder how much of a person’s past I’d be willing to look past.
For instance, if I was told about you being a playa…but u say u have since changed….would I really believe you had changed?? I doubt it (I have trust issues). That thought would always be in the back of my mind and I’d worry a lot.
If you told me you had herpes, or anything else that you could never get rid of, would I look past that? Hmm….that’s deep. That would depend at what point I was told, and how much I could see us being together.
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
11:47 am
Kym
I would have a binder printed of all my ex loves, and drama, my families stuff(they love to say what your family did)
You are going to the Michael Bowers school of politics, huh? He tried that when admitting an affair with his secretary. He was running for Governor at the time, after spending eternity as Attorney General. He did Guy Milner a favor by doing that.
M'
August 13th, 2009
11:48 am
@Taz
I think that the operative there is “younger”…immaturity can contribute to a lot of bad decision making consequences…granted any negative influences our emotionally/psychologically can contribute to the lack of clarity…but it does not have to indelibly etch us with scar tissue so embedded that is impacts all of our life decisions…b/c because without those same influences make the same decisions.
Mo (aka Moeisha aka Katt)
August 13th, 2009
11:59 am
Leggs – love that 11:30
Morning Err’body
Mostly lurking today, Massah is tryin to get his monies worth out of me today dag-nabit! I’ll chime in later
Soul 4 Real | All Days Long
August 13th, 2009
12:02 pm
[...] It Might Get Loud Atlanta Journal Constitution For Real – You have a point and I would agree. Yes my past was checkered. One action, taken now, can have powerful consequences far into the future. … See all stories on this topic [...]
Kym
August 13th, 2009
12:08 pm
@PoppaG I just think so much time is wasted trying to figure out who did who and where and for how long…that the issues get lost. So if I ran..I would say look..here is what I did, here is what my family did, now can we get on with the business at hand. The media spends so much time on silly stuff, mom jeans, Beerapoloza 2009, that all the stuff that does matter is never fully discussed. But I know I ask for too much. By the By the boy should have a computer soon but I am giving him a contract to be signed and ground rules for breaking the agreement. I told him there will be software on there to block sites I don’t feel are right for him, and his internet time will be limited to 3 hours a day-weekdays and 5 on weekends (That is what he has now.) Mac has a great parental control feature that does that. I explain that I am still the owner and administrator of the computer.. His only response “Can I still go online and get cheat codes for my games?”
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
12:32 pm
Kym
I just think so much time is wasted trying to figure out who did who and where and for how long…that the issues get lost.
Call me cynical, but I just don’t think that most people care about the issues. Most may care about one main issue, but most want to know about the gossip. Why did Strom Thurmond get re-elected after he really couldn’t even do that job effectively anymore? Why has Ted Kennedy spent nearly 50 years in Senate? Why did John Ashcroft lose an election to a dead man? Because most people vote on name recognition and party affiliation, not issues.
As for your son and the computer, good job on the contract. I could be a lesson on teaching him to read what he signs, too. Part of the problem with the foreclosure mess is people not reading the deed/promissory note and asking questions before signing. When I got my last car, the salesman probably thought that I was crazy because I sat there and read the whole thing before signing. I wasn’t just taking his word for it. I got somethings taken out, too, that I didn’t want to pay for.
Kym
August 13th, 2009
12:58 pm
PoppaG
I see your point on folks not caring. But it irks me that when issues like healthcare come up instead of getting informed about the issue they just start yelling with whatever side is louder.
I got the idea of the contract from a show. And I went online and found quite a few examples. I am pulling from each those things relevant to us and he will sign and I will sign. and I am going to post it on the bullentin board in his room.
Ms. Main
August 13th, 2009
12:59 pm
She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.
I haven’t read any of the other posts so here goes….no explanation owed. How pretentious it would be if he’s seriously digging where she is now and then held her past against her. While I can say I don’t have what society deems a “checkered past” who are we to think one way or the other or look down our noses? If Jesus forgives you/me/us then so should we. I say it’s where you’re headed not where you’re coming/came from. I know some of us believe we are so far removed from the sins, short comings and downfalls others experience but realistically we aren’t. Just because you haven’t committed it, doesn’t make you better. I feel we (sibs) were somewhat sheltered but in the shoes of a youth, especially one left to fend, anything goes….sometimes. Lift, encourage, love, forgive….move on.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
1:01 pm
PG – John Ashcroft loss because he was a turd..
Tazzee – Let me find out you were on craigslist selling the goodies hitch hiking from state to state as a runaway..
Kym – In my Micheal Jackson voice Do not believe the media.. The media is evil..
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
1:06 pm
Infamous
John Ashcroft loss because he was a turd..
Name recognition that worked against him. It had little to do with his stand on issues.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
1:06 pm
Hey Leggs.
Kachow!! Flashing my Lightning McQueen Smile at ya
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
1:09 pm
PG – Turdy Turd McTurd..
Actually it wasnt even the dead mans name recognition that got him it was one live and well man he was associated with.. Dubya!
Ms. Main
August 13th, 2009
1:09 pm
Freaknic scared the bejesus out of me….I was tryna hang with my girls but uh uh, some of that stuff I saw sent me to the sidelines…watching only. Some things I induldged and enjoyed but some stuff…if I had to see it again, I’d put my own eyes out…gheesh
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
1:11 pm
Kym
Even on this healthcare thing, many folks aren’t reading for themselves. They are taking what others are saying. Healthcare is an emotional issue.
BTW, I think that Pres. Obama proved many of the Opposition folk’s main point by comparing US Postal Service/Fed Ex/UPS to what the Government Option Plan may be. The Postal service is always having to raise stamps or close offices and is always asking for more money from Congress. I am not sure that I’d want a health plan that followed that model and always needing help.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
1:12 pm
Ms Main – Jesus called and said all is not forgiven with you.. Im just a messenger..
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
1:14 pm
Infamous
Ashcroft still didn’t lose based on his stand on issues. It was based on his posse or his crew. (Gossip type mess).
Dan
August 13th, 2009
1:15 pm
@Kym
This current healthcare debate does two things:
1) justifies the Republican strategy of “tactics vs. politics” as the uninformed populace is reacting to perceptions rather than reality; and
2) scares me to death.
To see these people that get interviewed (the one 35 yo from Specter’s town hall is really uninformed) and the one’s that generally shout and to know that they are allowed to vote with a lack of the issues, the process, even their lack of the very Constitution that they argue for makes me fear for the present and the future.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 13th, 2009
1:16 pm
PG – Well the most popular psuedo news sites have become main stream.. Mediatakeout Bossip TMZ and others.. They even have a show called gossip girl.. We are for sure going to H3LL in a hand basket..
Dan
August 13th, 2009
1:17 pm
@PG
I think the exit polls show Ashcroft lost because of his association with G W Bush if I remember correctly. People voted for the dead man becuase they didn’t want Ashcroft and his political ideology
Poppa Grande
August 13th, 2009
1:17 pm
Infamous
I do agree with your point about the media to a point. They show what they show because it gets ratings.
It is like why do we get a daily update on the Michael Jackson investigation? Because people watch. Ratings mean sponsors and sponsors. Like Notorious BIG said in the intro to “Juicy”, they just trying to make some money to feed their daughter.