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It Might Get Loud

I caught up with a former coworker recently who told me that she had a dating dilemma. She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.

It’s nothing outrageous and it was a long time ago, but she is concerned about how her boyfriend will perceive her. She admits that he can be pretentious and she is afraid that he would get upset when he finds out that she didn’t grow up like he did, in a wealthy family.

When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons? What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun?

Have you ever dated someone that shared something about their past and it was a huge deal breaker for you? How did you handle that?

296 comments Add your comment

Kym

August 13th, 2009
3:49 pm

@Hard well he could have hit your number by accident in other words who is to say the pic was for you. If you confront him in front of her all he has to say..is the pic was for your cuz/friend and he didnt realize the error.

You said yourself there has been no approachment or contact in a sexually way..so you can’t very well say he grab my butt at the family picnic, so technically you can tell but without proof of a email video that says: For Hard Place..How would you like to rock this? Your story is suspect.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:49 pm

Heck he is drama. He is dating while still married. He is sending pictures of his personal acts to other women while still married and with a girlfriend. Hell if that ain’t already drama then what is?

Good point…he’s got a wife, a chick on the side (really that’s what it is) and now working on pulling at your….oust him

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
3:49 pm

She could also possibly tell girlfriend to check his sent folder. Lotsa folk forget to delete that.

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:50 pm

**But next time, fwd it to me for an independent examination of the evidence.**

shyt, me 2! i love to laugh. lol.

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:52 pm

**he’s got a wife, a chick on the side (really that’s what it is) and now working on pulling at your….oust him**

that bas.@tard is busy as a mugg! lmao.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:52 pm

But Kym sending it to her by mistake does not make it any better. The fact is he was sending it to someone other than his lady or wife. Hard already said that their names does not begin with the same letter. Whether her, the cousin, or some other woman, the present lady needs to know.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:53 pm

See right, there HARD. You feeling bad, low for the actions of another person. Stop it, find your backbone and speak up.

I remember coming on this blog asking if I should have let a male “friend” help me out with a neighbor that was coming on too strong. I opted to handle it myself. I was told that that even a male “friend” wants to protect his friends. You have a boyfriend/SO so you should tell him. Your honor, your sensibilitie and your vision (lol) have been compromised. Have your man handle this man!

Kym

August 13th, 2009
3:54 pm

And with all due respect dragging your man into is drama for real. Cause if they are thinking like I am thinking why does your cuz man have your number(innocent or not) in the first place? Now you got your man looking at you sideways…because he is going to wonder what’s really going on. If dude is messing around he will slip up eventually. But I am telling you the story has holes..

Jamoca - I AM Exactly who I say I AM

August 13th, 2009
3:54 pm

Yes, I’m thinking Between a rock and a Hard should have shown it to her man FIRST…then proceed with how to break the situation down to her friend/relative. The man can deal properly deal with lil buddy.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:55 pm

Yes Ms. Main oust him so the girlfriend can douse him. With a boil of hot grits. J/K LOL But not really.

Jamoca - I AM Exactly who I say I AM

August 13th, 2009
3:56 pm

Correction: The man can deal properly with lil buddy.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:58 pm

The solution really is an easy one.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:58 pm

My2 that bas.@tard is busy as a mugg

Probably think cause he outslicked the other two (wife and said girlfriend), he’ll try his talents on her…3rd time the charm

With a boil of hot grits. That ain’t no joke. He’s straighten and fly right…ask Al Green and Lionel…lol

MR. Unknown

August 13th, 2009
3:59 pm

@hard First of all, he wouldn’t have sent the vid, if he didn’t have an exit strategy.. Its going to be a he said she said,, and when he has her alone.. Thats when he may flip the script on you, why would she delete said item, if it never existed in the first place.. I was in a rush before sending that vid and got emails mixed up… And he wouldn’t have sent it, if there wasn’t a little flirting going between the two,, hmmm.. Just a couple of ex of how that could back fire and blow up in your face… Putting someone on blast is a cute little phrase, but if you go in there guns blazing you may shoot urself in the foot… Im out,, you guys have a good evening…

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:59 pm

why does your cuz man have your number(innocent or not) in the first place

Kym now you are back to the beginning. That’s the question of the year. I think she tried to get us off of that one but I am glad you brought it back up. LOL

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
3:59 pm

Damn, I’d hate to waste a pot of grits on his sorry behind.

Speakin of… RAQI isn’t it time for you to make some more shrimp n grits? I’m available for brunch Saturday lol. Seriously, I’ve been wanting some and some seared scallops too.

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
4:00 pm

**how it’s received or perceived is not on you.**

great point!

Jamoca - I AM Exactly who I say I AM

August 13th, 2009
4:00 pm

…yeah, thinking about it more, your man would/could have been your backup…whether you decided later to delete it or not. Always CYA!

Kym

August 13th, 2009
4:02 pm

Raqi, I am not saying it was right. I am saying that the story has holes.

1. Her number is in her cousin’s phone from when she kept the kids…why? I have kept kids before for family but I am not keeping my boyfriend’s numbers in my phone

2. Dude has not made move the first on her..sorry but before most dude start sending dyck pics they normally send them to those with potential interest not random psuedo family members.

3. She deleted the video..why? She said she was in shock ok fine you might could sell that..but if she is all concern for cuz welfare why not keep the pic to back up the story. Sorry I don’t believe you..you need more people.

Again I am not saying it is right I am saying it is swiss cheese. If dude is smart, he can turn the tables on her and she will look like the shyt starter breaking up the good thang over something she can’t prove.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
4:02 pm

then proceed with how to break the situation down to her friend/relative

Jamoca that’s easy. Let him explain to his girl why his face is all skowl and he is carry his wang in a cooler filled with dry ice.

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
4:03 pm

Mr. U seems to have this too down pat. Ladies, grill him tomorrow hahhaa

Ms. MAIN I think Angie said that, but it’s oh so true bout the busy bee. And guess what, that’s part of the hustle. How can I be doing all this and that. I know that’s your cuz and y’all are close…I’d have to be a fool… The more obvious it is, the easier some of us make it for them to get away with it.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:03 pm

Mr. Unknown Getting shot in the foot, I doubt it. No matter what lie he’s concocted, it’s still on her to lay it down. The truth of the matter. As I mentioned, she’s got nothing to lose, so if he can lie his way out (i.e. exit strategy), then it’s on her the girlfriend. At that point she’ll need to make a choice. The truth over a lie. But by no means will Hard be in a lose lose situation. All she can do is tell what happened, the truth, evidence or no. I would be asking myself (if I was the girlfriend), why in the heck would she pull a story like that out of her butt…I’d give some credence to it. If the cousin doesn’t believe her, it’s all good and she’s in the clear. Trust, if he slicks out of this one, he’s simple, he’ll do something else….simply because he thought he got away with it.

MR. Unknown

August 13th, 2009
4:04 pm

Oh one last thing,, Its hard to beleive a grown man would put himself out there like that… never leave evidence,, no paper trail… Sounds kind of dumb.. If he’s that stupid,, it shouldn’t be that hard to put him on blast… Sound like im hating here.. but uhh if he’s dumb enough to do it once, he’s stupid enough to do it twice set him up is the easiest solution.. make him send it again while said girl is there or something creative…

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:05 pm

My2Ms. MAIN I think Angie said that, but it’s oh so true bout the busy bee. And guess what, that’s part of the hustle. How can I be doing all this and that. I know that’s your cuz and y’all are close…I’d have to be a fool… The more obvious it is, the easier some of us make it for them to get away with it.

Igg zackly

RaqiLet him explain to his girl why his face is all skowl and he is carry his wang in a cooler filled with dry ice.

You’re on a roll…I had to lol on this one.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
4:05 pm

Man her dude prolly a chump thats why she aint told him yet. Cause it aint no way any dude would ever try and holla at my girl after theyve met me. Not saying im hard but I do command respect when I meet dudes.. I look em straight in the eye, give em a firm hand shake and I dont know you I aint doin all that shuckin and jivin.

Unless she was talking wreckless about her dude and saw an opening.. Hmmmmm

Kym

August 13th, 2009
4:06 pm

Okay you know what I am not retyping what I said again. Why in the world does my stuff keep getting lost in the ajc system?

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
4:06 pm

The story doesn’t have holes. There was nothing suspect going on with the reason’s of having the other’s phone number nor in the actions between both parties at any given time. The relative/cousin also has my SO’s phone number so that aspect is such a minut detail of the big picture. Something had to have clicked on in his head to all of a sudden feel as if hey, why not try her?, for whatever reason. When us two had to ride together for the event, all we talked about was about the divorce crap, the kids, and how he felt about the gf. So i’m not sure if the open forum type discussion set him at ease or what. I can understand him having a lot going on with the whole divorce thing so maybe being able to just talk about that stuff set off something in him. I have no clue. Either way it was wrong and inappropriate whether he meant to send it to me or not. I appreciate you all’s advice, suggestions, POV’s because I did ask for it. I’m having a hard time with this because A) I no longer have the video and B) It would be so hard to tell her when I know how much she has invested in this relationship. His wife is a non-issue because it’s not like he lives at home, and they’ve been legally separated for a long time. Maybe i’ll send her an anonymous letter. ;-)

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:08 pm

How can I be doing all this and that.I know that’s your cuz and y’all are close…I’d have to be a fool…

Just the way he’ll spin it

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
4:08 pm

Mr. Unknown there is no out. The fact is he sent the video to her cousin. Even if the cousin was trying to get at him, HE is her man and should not be sending videos to other woman. There is no way to justify that situation. He sent the video and his loyalty is suppose to be to the one he is with.

If the cousin is wrong then she should “oust” both of them, ’cause they are made for each other.

i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)

August 13th, 2009
4:08 pm

PG / Dan — Like I said, I’m all for capitalism. I just don’t think you can let “the market” run totally unabated in every circumstance nor can you allow profit to motivate issues affecting basic necessities of life. People don’t cry “socialism” over police protection or military protection or fire/EMS services. Why should basic medical care be for profit?

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:09 pm

Man her dude prolly a chump thats why she aint told him yet. Cause it aint no way any dude would ever try and holla at my girl after theyve met me. Not saying im hard but I do command respect when I meet dudes.. I look em straight in the eye, give em a firm hand shake and I dont know you I aint doin all that shuckin and jivin.

Again…igg zackly

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
4:10 pm

A dont involve your dude in your mess. You better clean it up cause either way youre toast.. Cause if your dude finds out and you didnt tell him.. Youre done.. If your folk find out and you didnt tell them. Youre done..

The only thing you can do is tell that fool if you ever do that ish again Im gonna air your A$$ out.. Im gonna let it go how it goes.. Youve lost any edge you had..

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
4:11 pm

Just the way he’ll spin it

But Ms. Main he sent the video. A video of him pleasuring himself. Ain’t no way to put a spin to that.

“Explain the video, dude. Explain the video.”

chink

August 13th, 2009
4:11 pm

People don’t cry “socialism” over police protection or military protection or fire/EMS services. Why should basic medical care be for profit?

Good Point!

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
4:12 pm

@Hard
don’t pay any attention to the bloggers who make you out to be the culprit. they can’t help it. you responding to the accusations will make you look bad.

i’m guilty of this too.

SexyCool

August 13th, 2009
4:13 pm

You’re doing too much thinking about it. The window of opportunity seems to have closed. Let HER sleeping dog lie.

Pretend like your name is Fess and avoid all unnecessary mess.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:13 pm

I only say spinning cause he’s a liar and the evidence is no longer in tact and is going to deny it with a straight face and say as My2 said, shoot girl, why would I do that and ya’ll cousins…blah blah blah…that’s what I mean by spinning. But yeah, there’s a video….now in no man’s land

Kym

August 13th, 2009
4:13 pm

It would be so hard to tell her when I know how much she has invested in this relationship. His wife is a non-issue because it’s not like he lives at home, and they’ve been legally separated for a long time. Maybe i’ll send her an anonymous letter. <<<<This makes you suspect. Sending anonymous letters screams drama and high school.

Dear ___,

You don’t know me but your man is cheating he is sending videos to women and I think you need to check him.

Sign

Anonymous

PS It looked ashy.

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
4:13 pm

INFAMOUS Talkin wreckless… I have told some of my girls about this. As for your take, I’m luvin that. Men like you, everyone in their realm will be protected. And that’s some bs right there he put out there that I woulda surely looked to the protector to handle.

HARD PLACE Even now, have you considered telling your dude?

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
4:14 pm

Hard – Do you dress slutty? Or has he met more than one SO?

Not saying he had a right but he prolly thinks youre loose..

Or maybe he’s just a perv and you smiled when you shouldve looked away either way dude felt comfortable enough to send you a pic of his tallywacker being corralled

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
4:14 pm

Not saying im hard but I do command respect when I meet dudes

Infamous that’s what I am talking about. Her man would have to be a chump to let that slide. On both ends.

If my husband ever found out some dude sent something like that to me and I didn’t let him know I was being disrespected like that…siiiggghh…words cannot state it.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
4:14 pm

As much as it would hurt…I would want to know.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
4:14 pm

This is beginning to sound like an episode for Jerry Springer!

Grace

August 13th, 2009
4:15 pm

Hard I would bring it to everyone’s attention, if you don’t say anything, you’ll send him a message that you are alright with the video he sent you. nip it in the bud, you don’t want this thing to backfire on you.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
4:15 pm

so that aspect is such a minut detail

Nah it ain’t.

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
4:15 pm

DK Yepper! All edge is gone. So either i’ll just end up telling her and figure out the rest later or just tell old dude that he is on thin ice, and any other suspect behavior will go directly to her, no if’s ands or buts about it. As far as telling me SO, i told him as if it were a friend of mine…he bout flipped out and I know if i were to tell him it was actually me, you might see me on the news. I have to be smart about that because it is natural for men to PROTECT, sometimes at all costs. Don’t want to see anybody shot or locked up for a dang on video of the palm shuffle.

i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)

August 13th, 2009
4:16 pm

“PS It looked ashy.”

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Kym — Okay, I just about pee’d my pants on that one…. :lol:

Jamoca - I AM Exactly who I say I AM

August 13th, 2009
4:16 pm

Hard – Especially in a situation such as this, the last thing that you need to be worried about is how your folk will take the information (concerning your relationship with her). Because if she so dares takes his words over yours about something like this by looking at you sideways, then honestly she deserves everything she’s going to get from this dude. Everything. She may not want to see the signs sooner, but she damn fuh sho’ gone see them later. And she may not make this known to you right off, but you’ll be in her thoughts nonetheless. Everything has a way of working itself out, when its no longer in our hands. Now go on, and be a big girl nah…and swallow those pills. A lot of times, the right thing to do, is also the hardest the decision to make. Hope it all works out.

Mr. Anonymous – Why is it that some of you fellows believe yourselves or each other to “be hatin’” on your fellow men, instead of callin’ em like you see em? Takin’ it to the head, no chaser tactic is only reserved for the ladies huh?

Kym

August 13th, 2009
4:17 pm

@Raqi what video? She ain’t got no video..she got zippo and while the blog dudes are quiet other than DK they know the spin would be on. Let it go. Close the window on crazy and move on.

SexyCool

August 13th, 2009
4:17 pm

Maybe he really didn’t mean to send it to her. And she may just be buying problems by even addressing it.

I say act like it didn’t happen THIS time. If there is another inappropriate occurence, address THAT at THAT time.