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It Might Get Loud

I caught up with a former coworker recently who told me that she had a dating dilemma. She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.

It’s nothing outrageous and it was a long time ago, but she is concerned about how her boyfriend will perceive her. She admits that he can be pretentious and she is afraid that he would get upset when he finds out that she didn’t grow up like he did, in a wealthy family.

When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons? What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun?

Have you ever dated someone that shared something about their past and it was a huge deal breaker for you? How did you handle that?

296 comments Add your comment

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
3:10 pm

Suisse

But why must the measure of effectiveness be profitability for everything?

Because everything in the country revolves around profitability.

Honestly, I understand your point. In many countries making a profit on someone’s health is illegal. It leaves room from impropriety. Making people live with illness is way more profitable than curing someone said illness.

However, I see it from a doctor standpoint too. They spend so much on school and get student loans out of the ying yang, go through residencies, etc and then someone tells them what they can make. (that is a provision in most (but not all) of the versions of this bill floating around).

Don’t get me started on pharmaceutical companies and how they are allowed to invade my NFL game with boner pills but I cant’ see a commercials for real liquor or cigarettes. Most people don’t need all of the pills that are advertised. Sounds like someone getting something in return to me.

M'

August 13th, 2009
3:11 pm

@Inna Hard

I would tell the SO to come clean with the deed done…or I will tell it myself.

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:13 pm

Kym: has watched the kids for them and originally had number for the purpose of contact with the kids, and ocassional forwarded joke message but in almost 2yrs never any other contact made. Recently, both went to a particular place/event they both had to go to and the relative/friend suggested they ride together, which they did. Nothing out of ordinary occurred on that trip. However, a day or two after that, the improper behavior occurred.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:14 pm

In a Hard place, I have to ask why does said friend or relative SO’s have your number in the first place? I have cousins and friends cell numbers but I don’t have their husbands or boyfriends numbers. So why does he(I am going to assume he..men love sending pics like that) have yours?

Unleeeeess, there ain’t really a “cousin” and the “cousin” is really you. No? Cause if not, I’m asking the same…why/how is he sending or did you get the nasty video?

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:15 pm

@Hard, I would tell with the quickness. Why would he send you a video of them if he didn’t want YOU to see is prowess. Seriously, tell her! Again, he may think it might inspire you to have a 3-some. Have you and your friend ever talked about that. Could she possibly have relayed the conversation back to him. Anything is possible, but one thing for sure you need to tell your friend.

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:16 pm

@Hard
why did you delete it???? she needed to see that. you know how females are. she may not believe you. she may think you want her man!

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
3:16 pm

HARD PLACE “…and other things all while they are going through a divorce.” uhm yeah this isn’t the focus of what you actually want feedback on, but if she has been thru the thick of it with him, she may definitely be clouded. Cuz trials will bring you together if they don’t tear you apart. HOWEVER… I am that kinda friend that you can be mad at me for two years for telling you a hard truth cuz I luv ya so much. Mighta replied with a WTF?!?! and copied her on it if it was via email.

Wait, are you and your friend both female? Or are you a sensitive fella whose buddy’s mate is hot to trot?

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:17 pm

Unleeeeess, there ain’t really a “cousin” and the “cousin” is really you.

LOL Ms. Main</strong). Girl might be pretty good with that hammer.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:20 pm

I say forward the video to the wife-to-be and see if she recognized the evidence.

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:21 pm

The matter of having each other’s phone # is totally 100% innocent. Relative knows and has never had any reason to feel uncomfortable with that. I have never even thought, looked, or wondered about him in that way, nor thought he had any funny thoughs either. Which is why the whole video thing just TOTALLY blew for a loop. Since video has been deleted, what evidence could be presented to friend/relative as proof…will be their words against the SO’s.

M'

August 13th, 2009
3:22 pm

@Beautiful

You can track with the USPS too…now, if it is an extra special and most important priority…then yes by all means I use FedEx or UPS…but if it is urgent and the overnight or priority with the USPS will suffice…then I will save the money and use that service.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:22 pm

@Hard, ok, of himself. Still, TELL. Why does he have your phone number anyway? That is so disgusting, tacky and disrespectful toward his so called SO to do that.

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:23 pm

@Hard
since you messed up by deleting it, jus leave it alone.

but you’ll be ready for him next time, right?

i'm swiss (aka Buckshot Prior)

August 13th, 2009
3:24 pm

“However, I see it from a doctor standpoint too.”

PG — Believe me, I don’t begrudge doctors any of the money they make, but it’s not doctor’s profits that are the real problem. It’s the insurance industry. They are the ones whose primary motivation is to provide as little care for as much money as possible.

“Because everything in the country revolves around profitability. “

But again, why must that be true for everything? It’s sort of like the difference between the religious & the radical religious nut cases. I’m all for capitalism; it’s clearly the most effective economic system, as it channels an unavoidable human characteristic (greed) for overall good. However, it’s an economic system, not a philosophy of life. Capitalism has become our national religion & we’ve crossed the line into radical zealotry.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:25 pm

I agree with TwoLincolns, some things are worth having a friend or relative mad at you.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:25 pm

That is so disgusting, tacky and disrespectful toward his so called SO to do that.

Even moreso towards you….getting comfy enough to send is way offensive

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:26 pm

**You can track with the USPS too** didn’t know that. thanks M!

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:26 pm

You can track with the USPS too

yep

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:27 pm

Hard have him resend the video and then show it to the wife.

M'

August 13th, 2009
3:27 pm

Well, if the SO could start off the relationship with that sort of deception then I believe it is only the beginning of what is to come…and then the blood guilt is on your hands as an after-the-fact, knowing-before-the-fact accessory so to speak…again, tell the SO to fess up or do it yourself in front of the two together.

~Red~ New to the A

August 13th, 2009
3:28 pm

Do you and said SO have similar names, or at least start with the same letter…maybe he fwd it to you by mistake. I’ve been there, done that….SOOO embarrassing!

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:30 pm

Beautiful…that’s was more of my train of thought. To delete it was just an impulse reaction like wtf is this..didn’t even watch the whole thing. So i figure to just really sit back and if he does something off the wall again to let it be known. I also thought about having a talk with him basically stating that was inappropriate and disrespectful to his gf and that if he doesn’t get it together that i will definitely let it be known to her. But i’m thinking if he felt compelled to that to me, being so close to his gf, that he’s probably sending that type of stuff to other chicks. I mean can you even believe he had the audacity aka ballz to do that. Maybe he wants to sabatoge the relationship in an indirect way…lawd help me.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:30 pm

@Beautiful, that advice right there is sending the wrong message. A lot of men will take her silence as acceptance. The fact that she doesn’t say anything to him nor to her tells him, he might have a chance at something. That’s how their little brains work. Silence sometimes can be weakness and in this case, no need to wait for a second change, pounce now!

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
3:30 pm

Hard – Perfect example of why you shouldnt mess with someone going thru a divorce.. The rebound never works.. It may like Brad and Angelina but 9 times out of 10 it doesnt because the experts say you need time to heal between the relationship before starting anew..

Now to the ? at hand. What you gonna tell? You deleted the evidence.. The only thing you can do is tell that fool if they eva eva eva eva eva come at you like that again youre gonna expose their A$$.. They dont know you deleted the evidence..

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:30 pm

M’ I wouldn’t even say what’s to come, but more of what will continue to be. If that video incident is true being quite a bold move, I am lead to believe that it’s probably not the first time he has done something like that. That’s a very bold move.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:32 pm

@Main ~ you’re absolutely right and that’s why I said :arrow: The fact that she doesn’t say anything to him nor to her tells him, he might have a chance at something. He’s testing her loyalty to her SO, her level of self-esteem, her ability to stand up for what’s morally right in her world, etc. It’s all a test, best believe that!

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:34 pm

They dont know you deleted the evidence

Infamous she should tell the wife that she has something very disturbing she wants to show her while he is standing there. LOL

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
3:35 pm

Raqi – That aint his wife.. He’s still married to some other chick going thru a divorce..

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:36 pm

Hard what phone service do you use?

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:36 pm

Leggs He’s testing her loyalty to her SO, her level of self-esteem, her ability to stand up for what’s morally right in her world, etc.

Yep, I think so too. I’dda put him on blast…yep sho would have. Like someone just said, UNLESS the numbers/names are similiar and it was done in error, I would blast him.

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:36 pm

Ms Main I really felt sick to my stomach and had me wondering what did I do or ever say in passing to make him feel it was okay to do that. I am in a relationship of my own and he knows this as well as the person i’m with. He can’t say it was a mistake because we don’t have the same letter in our names.

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
3:36 pm

HARD PLACE The funny thing is that you feel stuck without the vid. I see your point but I’d fully expect my dear friend to take my word for it. She should give him the benefit of the doubt, but it would still make me uncomfortable. I wouldn’t fabricate something that would hurt her like that. But next time, fwd it to me for an independent examination of the evidence. ;)

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:37 pm

Heck if that’s the case Infamous show it to the wife and the girl friend. Help both of the women out. LOL

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
3:38 pm

Suisse

But again, why must that be true for everything?

Captialism is all about profitability. Those that try to survive otherwise usually don’t. Things cost money. Everything has to be socialized for it to work. Medical supplies cost money. Equipment breaks. Everyone that has their hands in the cookie jar from the X-ray repairman to the pharmaceutical company that finds the medication to cure an illness wants to be paid for their work. Therefore, you have to control those costs as well. That puts you deeper into the private sector.

In theory, I’m with you. However, in real American life, it is what it is.

That is why I’m willing to give what little time and energy to others (as in volunteer) so that they can come up as well. I’d rather people realize that you gotta deal with what you face than wish that there was some other thing.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:39 pm

HardHe can’t say it was a mistake because we don’t have the same letter in our names.

There you have it girl (I think), do the needful. That will teach him, there may be others will to roll like that but you ain’t one of ‘em. He’ll never forget you for setting him straight and will ALWAYS respect after you check him. Blast him girl, nothing to lose. The cousin may be/get hurt but she’ll sooo appreciate in the grand scheme of it.

Dan

August 13th, 2009
3:40 pm

@Swiss

I agree with your statement (@3.24).

I think that regulation is the way to constrain capitalism, even Adam Smith said it. But I think more than anything smart regulation will forestall this mess from happening again. And on creating the smart regulation needed, BHO is DEAD WRONG.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:40 pm

Heck if that’s the case Infamous show it to the wife and the girl friend. Help both of the women out.

Now that was funny

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
3:40 pm

Yes you can get tracking but you have to pay separately for it.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:40 pm

I am in a relationship of my own

Hard sweetie, that’s your answer and out right there. You should have showed it to your man/husband. I don’t know about the man you are with, but my husband would have taken care of that situation with the quickness.

~Red~ New to the A

August 13th, 2009
3:41 pm

@Hard-do you have a “deleted” folder in your pic mail?

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:41 pm

2cents: that’s exactly the dilemna, not having the video anymore. I don’t feel she would doubt me but at the same time I don’t want to stir up drama without it to show to her and he flip it around on me, having me look like an a s s…then she end up staying with him due to all that has been invested into their relationship. (it would be hard for a person who is totally invested in a relationship to believe their SO would send a vid of them choking the chicken to a close relative/friend)

In a Hard Place

August 13th, 2009
3:43 pm

@Red nope sure don’t…it’s a blackberry. Already tried to go to albums to pull it up after I realized I should’ve kept it. It’s gone. :-(

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:43 pm

A~Red~ that’s why I asked which phone service she used. My son has T-mobile and all of his pictures and videos are stored online with T-mobile even after he deletes them from his phone.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:46 pm

stir up drama

How are you stirring up drama HARD? He is the one that started the drama. Heck he is drama. He is dating while still married. He is sending pictures of his personal acts to other women while still married and with a girlfriend. Hell if that ain’t already drama then what is?

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
3:46 pm

@Hard, since you’re in a relationship yourself have you thought about telling your boyfriend so he could handle him on the side. You should tell him or her. Hell, tell all 3.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:46 pm

Enter your comments here

Beautiful♥

August 13th, 2009
3:47 pm

**What you gonna tell? You deleted the evidence..**

eggsacly!

mytw♥cents dba d♥s centav♥s

August 13th, 2009
3:47 pm

RAQI I just saw that too… Her dude coulda, woulda, shoulda shut that shiii down. Unless…

HARD PLACE Do you think your friend & dude woulda wondered what “you did” to entice him into sending it? Cuz I know folk like that, and it’s a separate kinda foolishness.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
3:47 pm

I don’t feel she would doubt me but at the same time I don’t want to stir up drama without it to show to her and he flip it around on me, having me look like an a s s…

Since you know you’re shooting straight from the hip, holding her best interest at heart, impossible to look like anything but a true friend/cousin…no matter how it’s perceived. You know you’re doing it for the right reason, how it’s received or perceived is not on you. Now what you don’t want to do is have her walk in eyes wide shut and you know all along the type of dude he is, she catches wind of just how scandalous down the road and you’re back tracking like “oh, since we’re on the subject, one time he forwarded a dirty video…..” Oust his behind.

Raqi

August 13th, 2009
3:49 pm

TwoLincolns Girl she is dealing with a situation that her man could have, should have, and if he was mine WOULD HAVE handled way back when. Not me.