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It Might Get Loud

I caught up with a former coworker recently who told me that she had a dating dilemma. She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.

It’s nothing outrageous and it was a long time ago, but she is concerned about how her boyfriend will perceive her. She admits that he can be pretentious and she is afraid that he would get upset when he finds out that she didn’t grow up like he did, in a wealthy family.

When you are dating someone knew, how worried are you about opening the closet of skeletons? What if your skeletons are fresh and new, and in the not so distant past? Do you reveal it before an exclusive relationship has begun?

Have you ever dated someone that shared something about their past and it was a huge deal breaker for you? How did you handle that?

296 comments Add your comment

If it ain't Sexy, it ain't Cool.

August 13th, 2009
10:45 am

M-Dot – I would rather trust my own instincts and judgement. Most often, that serves me rather well.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
10:45 am

For Real – You have a point and I would agree. Yes my past was checkered.

Grace

August 13th, 2009
10:46 am

Sexy it’s always a consulation to know that not every man has a play”ish” past :)

One action, taken now, can have powerful consequences far into the future. That fact can be a blessing or a curse, depending of course on what the action is.

Time will magnify whatever you do. So even in the smallest matters, do what is right.

The direction and purpose of each effort are much more important than the size of the effort. For over time, all your efforts will add together to exert great influence on your life and your world.

Your future consequences are being born right now. This is a moment of great opportunity.

Point all your actions, large and small, important and seemingly insignificant, in the direction you wish to see your life move. Time will combine all those actions into an increasingly powerful set of results, and now is when you can choose those results.

With your efforts, choose to put time on your side. Make the future your friend by making the most of right now.

M'

August 13th, 2009
10:47 am

Uh @Dan

To bring you up to speed…we have a M. (pronounced M dot) who is male…and then we have M’ (pronounced M apostrophe)…which be me…the female…lol

For Real

August 13th, 2009
10:48 am

If you were someone’s top producing prostitute, I need to know.

If you were on the wall of fame in 7 scrip joints throughout the southeast, I need to know.

If yo mamma is raising two or your kids, I need to know.

If big mamma is raising yo other 3 kids, I need to know.

If the CDC has your number on speed dial, I need to know.

Tazzee

August 13th, 2009
10:49 am

M dot – nope. If I have an inkling that I might need information that I need to pay for, then I’m not going to invest much more time in that person. I’d rather go with ‘my first mind’. My background checks stop at googling folks – and most times I do that with the person present so we can see what’s out there on the net about them. I’ve never even secretly googled anyone.

Although I did date one lying mofo that should have been checked out…but I suspected something was up with him in the first month – shoulda went with my first mind then.

M'

August 13th, 2009
10:51 am

M.

If the information (i.e the dish/dirt) came from a reliable source that I trusted to have my best interest at hand, then I may weigh it into consideration…again, looking at the source…and unless there was some reason for me to suspect that a person was not being completely transparent with pertinent and essential details (that are more indicative about present character and not some past discretion of nil consequence)…then no I would not pay for the information…at that point, my interest would have waned and I would be like smoke signals…in the wind…lol

For Real

August 13th, 2009
10:53 am

“M. (pronounced M dot) who is male…and then we have M’ (pronounced M apostrophe)…which be me…the female” – Why don’t yall just use the male and female symbol.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
10:53 am

Grace – That was a good one. I had a monumental shift of ideas and began to devote my life to doing whats right. I began to walk in the direction I wanted to go and so far it has yielded positive results.

The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!

August 13th, 2009
10:56 am

i can deal with most things but his right here

If yo mamma is raising two or your kids, I need to know.

If big mamma is raising yo other 3 kids, I need to know

i cant deal with…this really shows a lack of maturity

For Real

August 13th, 2009
10:56 am

Look it’s cool that you learned from past and that you think you are a better person but it’s still the other person’s decision if they want to consort with you. Getting defensive about YOUR PAST is silly. Hell I didn’t make the CHOICES YOU DID!

Girl dese men be trippin cause I voted top earner for 4yrs str8.

Man dese women be trippin cause I got 21 kids at 27yrs old.

Tazzee

August 13th, 2009
10:59 am

Anyone know a good dentist in the Perimeter area?

Grace

August 13th, 2009
11:01 am

Thanks DK! Way to go!

Kym

August 13th, 2009
11:02 am

I agree with Raqi..those with no business spend too much time in others. Now I have googled dudes..In the past I did alot of internet dating and so have my friends and as safety measures we looked dudes up..gave our location of dudes house and contact info in case someone came up missing. But if I want to know something I ask..I am too damn old for games.

@Tazzee you said mofo..I think that was the first time I have seen you curse on here..I knew I liked you

abc

August 13th, 2009
11:02 am

In keeping secrets about your past, you pose a greater affront by keeping the secrets than the affronts themselves represent, unless you’re a serial murderer, ex-hooker or erotic dancer, or something like that.

I won’t even bother with pointing out the obvious here!

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
11:03 am

For Real – I was actually agreeing with you about me calling those mistakes because they werent it was poor decision making.. I’m never defensive about my past. It is who I am period. I dont deny it I embrace it and if people cant accept it then that’s them. I understand how squares look at me its nothing new..

Kym

August 13th, 2009
11:10 am

All I can say about those judging past behavior especially if you are over 35 is ..REMEMBER FREAKNIC.

Compelling

August 13th, 2009
11:10 am

I definitely believe in letting someone you’re serious about know about your past. What’s the harm in it? If we’re going to build a life together or potentially have a partnership why wouldn’t I want you to know all about me and where I’ve been. It might even help you out in the long run. I believe that my story can be a cautionary tale for some, and more of a tesitimony for others.

WD, I do believe that she should speak with the guy she’s dating and tell him everything. I agree with what others have said about revealing in pieces so that it doesn’t become too heavy a conversation. Like Tazzee said, if you can’t accept the whole package then you’re not the one I should be with.

If I can tell you what I’ve been through and you can accept me for who I am now, then I can respect you. However, if I tell you what I’ve been through and you can’t accept the new and improved more enlightened me, then I respect that too. Everyone deserves a choice. By telling someone about your past, it’s giving that other person a choice and that’s only fair. Don’t deny someone their right to choose.

M'

August 13th, 2009
11:13 am

Personally, I would rather be able to have a transparent interaction with any person that I may be interested in…not a whole lot of TMI too soon, etc…but I have nothing to hide and be ashamed of about my past…there have been many unusual experiences,etc…and if anything that I choose to share in an attempt at getting to know more about me and also knowing me better as a person creates a concern for someone and it makes him uneasy…then so bit it…peace and later…my out of the box life may be too much for some ppl’s comfort levels and boundaries…cool, cuz me cain’t take it back.

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
11:15 am

If you could pay to get some valuable information about the person, other than a background check, would you?

NO! If you do this you are dooming a relationship, especially a potentially romantic one.

Trust is important! Snooping around just shows the level of trust & faith that you have. In return they may not have trust in you. Getting any information from anything/anybody than the source is potentially slanted from that other source.

Of course, there are certain things that you need to know. If the person doesn’t tell you, then that tells you what you need to know in order to make an informed decision. If they do, that also gives you pertinent information.

If you scared of heartache, put your big boy drawls on or don’t date period. Everything has a risk of hurting you. In leaving for work everyday, we risk the possibility of never making it back home. Yet, we do it.

MR. Unknown

August 13th, 2009
11:19 am

@ Kym Ohhh Freaknik…. smh I really hope some of those pictures and the video tape I was in have since been destroyed,,, lol…

Lady Low

August 13th, 2009
11:19 am

My past is no one’s business but mine.

Tazzee

August 13th, 2009
11:23 am

For Real – you are right. I don’t have a problem with anyone that has a problem with my past. Just like the guys that believe a woman that doesn’t have a good relationship with her father won’t make for a good mate. I’ll be the first to disagree, but if my estranged relationship with my father is an issue for a dude – so be it. We just weren’t meant to be.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
11:25 am

HAAAAAAAA, I never understood Freaknic!

M'

August 13th, 2009
11:27 am

@Tazee

I have a good relationship with my father…he is and always has been an ideal role model as a Black man…as well as several other elder brothers in my extended family…yet, I am decidedly single for life…and what does that mean????…i.e. the absence of a strong father figure or the absence of an emotional healthy relationship with a paternal parent may influence, positively or negatively, how one views relationships, etc…but it is not the sole, primary or greatest factor in determining such an outcome.

Kym

August 13th, 2009
11:28 am

I always said if I ran for public office..I was going to save the media the trouble. I would have a binder printed of all my ex loves, and drama, my families stuff(they love to say what your family did) and then when folks start asking me stupid questions unrelated to the issues I would say..Please refer to page 43 in your binder, paragragh 3 line 2..should answer that.

Leggs

August 13th, 2009
11:29 am

Just found this, and it fits the topic:

The Bible gives us six building blocks for developing long-term relationships:

1. We must be considerate. “People want others to be loyal, so it is better to be poor than to be a liar” (Proverbs 19:22 NCV).

2. We must be confidential. “No one who gossips can be trusted with a secret, but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy” (Proverbs 11:13 TEV).

3. We must be candid. “An honest answer is a sign of true friendship” (Proverbs 24:26 TEV).

4. We must be constructive. “People learn from one another, just as iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17 TEV).

5. We must be consistent. “Friends always show their love. What are relatives for if not to share trouble?” (Proverbs 17:17 TEV).

6. We must be committed. “Some friendships do not last, but some friends are more loyal than brothers” (Proverbs 18:24 TEV).

M'

August 13th, 2009
11:37 am

@Kym

Amen…I would do the same…lol.

Tazzee

August 13th, 2009
11:39 am

M’ – I will be the first to admit that my relationship with my father had a negative influence on my relationships when I was younger, but so did a lot of other things.

Kym – I’ve just decided that I will never run for public office, or date anyone with plans to do so.

~Red~ New to the A

August 13th, 2009
11:45 am

I don’t have much of a past to tell men that I date, nothing to scarring or to scare men away. But I often wonder how much of a person’s past I’d be willing to look past.

For instance, if I was told about you being a playa…but u say u have since changed….would I really believe you had changed?? I doubt it (I have trust issues). That thought would always be in the back of my mind and I’d worry a lot.

If you told me you had herpes, or anything else that you could never get rid of, would I look past that? Hmm….that’s deep. That would depend at what point I was told, and how much I could see us being together.

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
11:47 am

Kym

I would have a binder printed of all my ex loves, and drama, my families stuff(they love to say what your family did)

You are going to the Michael Bowers school of politics, huh? He tried that when admitting an affair with his secretary. He was running for Governor at the time, after spending eternity as Attorney General. He did Guy Milner a favor by doing that.

M'

August 13th, 2009
11:48 am

@Taz

I think that the operative there is “younger”…immaturity can contribute to a lot of bad decision making consequences…granted any negative influences our emotionally/psychologically can contribute to the lack of clarity…but it does not have to indelibly etch us with scar tissue so embedded that is impacts all of our life decisions…b/c because without those same influences make the same decisions.

Mo (aka Moeisha aka Katt)

August 13th, 2009
11:59 am

Leggs – love that 11:30

Morning Err’body

Mostly lurking today, Massah is tryin to get his monies worth out of me today dag-nabit! I’ll chime in later

Soul 4 Real | All Days Long

August 13th, 2009
12:02 pm

[...] It Might Get Loud Atlanta Journal Constitution For Real – You have a point and I would agree. Yes my past was checkered. One action, taken now, can have powerful consequences far into the future. … See all stories on this topic [...]

Kym

August 13th, 2009
12:08 pm

@PoppaG I just think so much time is wasted trying to figure out who did who and where and for how long…that the issues get lost. So if I ran..I would say look..here is what I did, here is what my family did, now can we get on with the business at hand. The media spends so much time on silly stuff, mom jeans, Beerapoloza 2009, that all the stuff that does matter is never fully discussed. But I know I ask for too much. By the By the boy should have a computer soon but I am giving him a contract to be signed and ground rules for breaking the agreement. I told him there will be software on there to block sites I don’t feel are right for him, and his internet time will be limited to 3 hours a day-weekdays and 5 on weekends (That is what he has now.) Mac has a great parental control feature that does that. I explain that I am still the owner and administrator of the computer.. His only response “Can I still go online and get cheat codes for my games?”

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
12:32 pm

Kym

I just think so much time is wasted trying to figure out who did who and where and for how long…that the issues get lost.

Call me cynical, but I just don’t think that most people care about the issues. Most may care about one main issue, but most want to know about the gossip. Why did Strom Thurmond get re-elected after he really couldn’t even do that job effectively anymore? Why has Ted Kennedy spent nearly 50 years in Senate? Why did John Ashcroft lose an election to a dead man? Because most people vote on name recognition and party affiliation, not issues.

As for your son and the computer, good job on the contract. I could be a lesson on teaching him to read what he signs, too. Part of the problem with the foreclosure mess is people not reading the deed/promissory note and asking questions before signing. When I got my last car, the salesman probably thought that I was crazy because I sat there and read the whole thing before signing. I wasn’t just taking his word for it. I got somethings taken out, too, that I didn’t want to pay for.

Kym

August 13th, 2009
12:58 pm

PoppaG

I see your point on folks not caring. But it irks me that when issues like healthcare come up instead of getting informed about the issue they just start yelling with whatever side is louder.

I got the idea of the contract from a show. And I went online and found quite a few examples. I am pulling from each those things relevant to us and he will sign and I will sign. and I am going to post it on the bullentin board in his room.

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
12:59 pm

She had to tell her new man that she has a checkered past and she wasn’t sure how he would react. Carmen grew up in foster care and then went to a group home as a teenager. She made a lot of mistakes as a troubled teen and has a bit of a criminal past.

I haven’t read any of the other posts so here goes….no explanation owed. How pretentious it would be if he’s seriously digging where she is now and then held her past against her. While I can say I don’t have what society deems a “checkered past” who are we to think one way or the other or look down our noses? If Jesus forgives you/me/us then so should we. I say it’s where you’re headed not where you’re coming/came from. I know some of us believe we are so far removed from the sins, short comings and downfalls others experience but realistically we aren’t. Just because you haven’t committed it, doesn’t make you better. I feel we (sibs) were somewhat sheltered but in the shoes of a youth, especially one left to fend, anything goes….sometimes. Lift, encourage, love, forgive….move on.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
1:01 pm

PG – John Ashcroft loss because he was a turd..

Tazzee – Let me find out you were on craigslist selling the goodies hitch hiking from state to state as a runaway..

Kym – In my Micheal Jackson voice Do not believe the media.. The media is evil..

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
1:06 pm

Infamous

John Ashcroft loss because he was a turd..

Name recognition that worked against him. It had little to do with his stand on issues.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
1:06 pm

Hey Leggs. :-) Kachow!! Flashing my Lightning McQueen Smile at ya

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
1:09 pm

PG – Turdy Turd McTurd..

Actually it wasnt even the dead mans name recognition that got him it was one live and well man he was associated with.. Dubya!

Ms. Main

August 13th, 2009
1:09 pm

Freaknic scared the bejesus out of me….I was tryna hang with my girls but uh uh, some of that stuff I saw sent me to the sidelines…watching only. Some things I induldged and enjoyed but some stuff…if I had to see it again, I’d put my own eyes out…gheesh

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
1:11 pm

Kym

Even on this healthcare thing, many folks aren’t reading for themselves. They are taking what others are saying. Healthcare is an emotional issue.

BTW, I think that Pres. Obama proved many of the Opposition folk’s main point by comparing US Postal Service/Fed Ex/UPS to what the Government Option Plan may be. The Postal service is always having to raise stamps or close offices and is always asking for more money from Congress. I am not sure that I’d want a health plan that followed that model and always needing help.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
1:12 pm

Ms Main – Jesus called and said all is not forgiven with you.. Im just a messenger.. ;-)

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
1:14 pm

Infamous

Ashcroft still didn’t lose based on his stand on issues. It was based on his posse or his crew. (Gossip type mess).

Dan

August 13th, 2009
1:15 pm

@Kym

This current healthcare debate does two things:

1) justifies the Republican strategy of “tactics vs. politics” as the uninformed populace is reacting to perceptions rather than reality; and

2) scares me to death.

To see these people that get interviewed (the one 35 yo from Specter’s town hall is really uninformed) and the one’s that generally shout and to know that they are allowed to vote with a lack of the issues, the process, even their lack of the very Constitution that they argue for makes me fear for the present and the future.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 13th, 2009
1:16 pm

PG – Well the most popular psuedo news sites have become main stream.. Mediatakeout Bossip TMZ and others.. They even have a show called gossip girl.. We are for sure going to H3LL in a hand basket..

Dan

August 13th, 2009
1:17 pm

@PG

I think the exit polls show Ashcroft lost because of his association with G W Bush if I remember correctly. People voted for the dead man becuase they didn’t want Ashcroft and his political ideology

Poppa Grande

August 13th, 2009
1:17 pm

Infamous

I do agree with your point about the media to a point. They show what they show because it gets ratings.

It is like why do we get a daily update on the Michael Jackson investigation? Because people watch. Ratings mean sponsors and sponsors. Like Notorious BIG said in the intro to “Juicy”, they just trying to make some money to feed their daughter.