More than a baby
I’ve been hearing about a lot of weddings in the last few months, tis the season for it, you know. I can’t help but feel a little relieved when I see people my age and younger getting hitched, though. I suppose you start to wonder if are still considering it. I’m sure you’ve seen all the articles and statistics about how we are delaying marriage for whatever reason. Some of us even opting not to go that route altogether.
For a long time I thought it was impacting our options with dating: either you meet the type that views marriage like a miserable abyss that no sane individual would dive into; or you meet the type that feels that they have all the time in the world left to do that “family thing and settle down”. You know because they are way too busy living it up and enjoying that carefree lifestyle (Guilty!!). Then I think there is the type that only wants to procreate, and that’s it. They just want a baby, marriage is, well optional.
What about getting married just to have a family? Is that the wrong motivation to do it? I remember my mother said that when she was growing up, it was the thing to do. You graduate, you meet the good man and you start building a life. Her primary reason for getting married was to have kids.
Have you been to any weddings this summer? Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together? Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?
I still meet a lot of men who are marriage ready. They are looking for a good woman to marry and they don’t really want to wait for you to get on their timetable. If you aren’t ready, they will simply find the one who is ready and willing to marry them. Passion, compatibility, and love? Yeah well, to them, those things are nothing to hold out for. What do you think? Should you want to marry if that is missing?
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574 comments Add your comment
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:53 am
Some wonderful gems are being dropped today.
Great post D Dub and congrats on the marriage.
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
10:54 am
Has anyone seen the the show Bridezillas? That show is all about the wedding and some of the things that happen are really sad. There was one couple and the lady was arguing with her fiance’ the night of his bachelor party. The next day, the lady’s friend asked her why she was getting married. Her response was “I already spent all this money on this wedding so I am gonna get married”!
I mean, it is a reality show, so I know there is some scripting and writing to it, but I just can’t believe these people are THAT over the top like that.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:54 am
For Real – Its a bad investment for a finacially sound dude to get married.. A finacial planner would tell you that although the outcome could be great the finacial devastation could be unrecoupable. The risk outweighs the gains.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:58 am
There are HUNDREDS of restaurants in Atlanta where there is plenty to eat. I don’t have to be the one preparing the meal.
And heck, even when you are ready for a relationship, there are plenty of men who don’t require you to cook. I think my friends married them all, but there might be a few left!
The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!
August 12th, 2009
10:59 am
I wouldnt wish divorce on my worst enemy..
-word…i dont know why some of this chicks think a mofo is bitter..maybe pissed or frustrated..but bitter nope…and live goes on…i just think the nerve of these benchs to fix there lips to speak on ish they have no experience with
@lady low…i feel you…and i am not mad at all….but i am sure of these polly perfects will have something to say!
Leggs
August 12th, 2009
10:59 am
@ARed, never settle. Last night I deleted the home number, cell phone and work number of a friend. After going back and forth a little on what he wanted and what I wanted, I realized I didn’t want him nor was I willing to deal with the BS he believed was a bouquet of roses being given to me. I haven’t called him in a good minute and may speak with him about 3x a month when he called. So, it was a very easy DELETE. It just took me a while to actually do it. Yes, I’m ready to give up the “friendship” because I finally realized we aren’t really friends! Finally realizing that has liberated me and that’s another piece of baggage I can finally throw away! Working on being “baggage free” and loving every moment of my “awakening.”
Dan
August 12th, 2009
10:59 am
@W8
She cooking some grits at least, don’t let her fool you…
Grace
August 12th, 2009
10:59 am
There was no time to over romanticize it. It wasn’t about the wedding, it was all about us wanting to and agreeing to be one for life. I like that right there Raqi. Most people want to plan the wedding and forget about the days after when the honeymoon phase is over, forgetting the plan to be partners in life for life during good times and bad.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
August 12th, 2009
11:00 am
Hey Page & ARed
Good question. Again, I think women particularly need to think long and hard about who they attach to. A lady once told me something that I have to agree with…”being alone is better than being with the wrong person”. She was right. I’m not a woman, but I cannot understand why one would settle for a “sperm donor”. Do women honestly think they can change someone? I suppose it has happened sometimes, but I doubt very often. But maybe that is why I have been single for ten years, I never want to be in a marriage again with the wrong person and “hoping” they will change. Got that t-shirt already.
Lady Low
August 12th, 2009
11:01 am
There is no one at my home but me at breakfast time. I do not allow overnight guests.
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:01 am
Good to read you D Dub:)
ARed- ^5. I think that topic has been brought up a time or two on the blog, but you know how that goes lol.
Uh oh, here we go again with the talk about how marriage is like committing financial suicide. smdh. I wonder with all the people who think this, what kind of “real money” do you have? I mean, unless you own stuff outright (with no loans or help needed from financial institutions), have big time investments, etc, what do you really have that is worth a woman trying to take from you? With all the “independent” women in Atlanta, why would these “independent” women be interested in taking you down in such a way? *seriously*
W8©
August 12th, 2009
11:01 am
@Ared- I love to cook…I would cook everyday if need be…as long as my future did the dishes…cooking is a stress reliever for some reason..If a woman wants me to cook and do the dishes…heck naww…I dont do dishes on the regular when in a relationship…I have to maintain the house, yard, cars, mortgage, bills, garbage…I am not washing dishes or ever sleeping on the couch…believe dat!!!
D Dub of the MSP (formerly of the ATL)
August 12th, 2009
11:03 am
@Page – All wedding / bride shows have been banned from my house until further notice.
The wedding itself is one of the things that gives marriage a bad rep. You put yourself in debt from the beginning if you don’t properly plan and save money to pay for the wedding, and then when you are still paying for that wedding 2 years later, arguements start up, the passion and love that got you together in the first place goes away… once again, marriage is not the end-all be all. The media, movies, and our instant-gratification lifestyles have poisoned the institution – not the divorce and child support / custody litigation.
If you can’t see past your wedding day – then you definitely don’t need to get married.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
11:04 am
@Leggs- my thoughts on deleting numbers..DO NOT DO IT..because you may delete it then they call and you might not recognize the number…I just edit the name beside the number with the letters “DNA” Do Not Answer
For Real
August 12th, 2009
11:05 am
Moni: “Side note: I’m currently in grad school getting a Master’s in Marriage & Family Therapy!” – What exactly is that?
Lady Low: you lost me at cooking. when did cooking become the 8th sin?
Dub: great post!
RandyT: I think marriage is the hardest thing any person on this planet can do. If more people realized that and stop with the love and passion bs things would work out better.
Raqi: What Mase did was move you from “fantasy to reality” with the quickness. My paw-paw told me that at 10yrs old “Boy, soon-as-ya move that gurl from lala land to real life the better”. Me mamma something wrong wit paw-paw!
Deeva4Life
August 12th, 2009
11:05 am
Kimmie ^5 to your entire post!! Reminds me of when my boss told me he got married at 31 and it was really because he was ready to have children. He never really talks about his wife…mostly about his kids (especially his daughter). And just from a few things I’ve observed being his assistant, he was definitely one of those that I feel woke up one day and was like “what have I done.” He doesn’t appear “happily” married but I do not reside in their home so I can’t state any facts on what really goes on behind closed doors.
I think the problem arises when folks are determined to get married or have serious relationships but yet “keep their options open” ..or trying to do single person things while trying to maintain a new relationship…there has to be a balance and compromise somewhere along the line…if you are not giving your ALL dont expect someone else’s all to be given to you
W8 I agree! This was the main issue I had with my ex-husband. I used to tell him “you can’t be married with a single lifestyle…choose what side of the fence you want to be on.” Now I’ll give him a pass because we were both young and still very dumb, but having gone through that once not interested in repeating it…LOL
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
August 12th, 2009
11:06 am
Leggs re 10:59 great post. Way to take control of YOUR life.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:06 am
@ARed, never settle
Leggs – Trust me, I won’t! But the good thing about it all is that I have a family who I can talk to. A lot of people don’t have a support system and they have to go through the trials and errors on their own.
My dad is a man of few words, but he has sat me down and told me to watch for things I miss because I’m so blinded by
lustlove.Nice to know you aren’t settling for less either. Trust me, if and when dude ever gets his act together, he can come find you (if you’re still available!)
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
11:08 am
I know my husband probably thinks I am crazy sometimes but I do ask questions when I read or come across certain statements to get his pov.
I just called and asking him, after reading dDub, when did he know he was ready to get married. He said he knew he was ready to marry me (he added the “marry you”) when he woke up one morning and realized I was not laying there beside me and felt something was missing from him. (LOL Good answer. Remember they do it, meaning say things also, for the kitty. He is a charmer and sometimes snarky.)
But all that to say that I truly can believe that it is different things for different people that lead them to jump that broom. As with today’s topic, some do it when that bio clock ticks the loudest. And
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 12th, 2009
11:08 am
Page – I used to watch Bridezillas, but got turned off by it. It just got to be not funny anymore. What it did make me realize is that if some of those beyotchy, ghetto, fat, nasty women could get a man(and a lot of the men seem very decent) to marry them, there is hope for me and others!
Amred – My grandparents eloped too, I think on both sides, on my mom’s side for sure. They stayed married till death parted them. My parents got married in the pastor’s study, my aunt was there & that’s it. My SO’s 1st wedding had about 30 people, so he’s into the small & intimate too!
A lot do want me to have a wedding. It’s just not going to be the same without my parents & baby brother. Those are the people I loved most in this world, so it won’t be a wedding without them. But a lot want me to do it, to the point of some offering to pay! This wealthy lady at my church offered to pay. She & her husband never had kids and she really cares for me. But it’s not about the money. It’s the stress of it all I don’t want. I’m all about the commitment I’m making and our love for one another. A pastor, a beautiful setting and my man are all I need!
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
August 12th, 2009
11:08 am
Also to Leggs. A wise man once told me “that sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity…but I have found that once in a lifetime opportunities seem to come along about once a week!” There will always be another train coming in. Never settle.
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:09 am
I agree D Dub. I know many people who got married and put all of their wedding costs on credit cards, took out loans, pulled money from their 401k or 403b accounts, which is quite sad.
I was in my friend’s wedding like back in 2003 I think and omg she was trying to have a big time wedding on small time money. She wanted each of the bridesmaids to “chip in” a book of stamps so she could put a stamp on the rsvp card. She wanted each of the wedding party couples to RENT PT Cruisers (black ones) so that we could all caravan to the wedding reception. She wanted all of the bridesmaids to come up with an idea for the table centerpiece and bring the sample (home made) to her house so she could see which one she liked the best. There is more that she did lol.
For Real
August 12th, 2009
11:09 am
Dan: “Dan- I agree with you…it’s something special when you realize your self worth” – Were you in the bathroom when you discovered your worth?
Lady Low: “There are HUNDREDS of restaurants in Atlanta where there is plenty to eat.” – Lemme get 10 cheese Krystal with no onions pleases.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:09 am
I’m not a woman, but I cannot understand why one would settle for a “sperm donor”.
RandyT – Women are typically nurturers and the ugre to have children is so strong they often will not feel their purpose on earth is complete until they are a mother.
The problem is, we are so impatient that we are too willing to forego a strong family UNIT to satisfy one need.
The Oracle
August 12th, 2009
11:11 am
Relationships do not just happen. Not matter how we meet our mate or who makes the introduction, we create all the relationships we experience. We each have the capacity to bring to ourselves the exact relationship we want.
Unfortunately, most of us are not willing to do the work. We must begin the work by looking at “self” and getting clear about how it feels. We cannot expect to attract a loving, generous mate if we are angry and withholding.
We must stop blaming the past for our condition now. Wherever we are, what we have or don’t have is no one’s fault but our own. If by chance someone else made a contribution to the mess we were creating, forgive them the mess and move on.
Finally, we must give thanks for all we have been; all we have had; all we are becoming. When we take the limits, restrictions and fears off our hearts, our cup of love will run over.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
11:11 am
ForReal honestly at the time there was no fantasy there for me. I am the one that decided the date to do it. However I will agree with you sorta and say that had I allowed it to linger and got all caught in the planning a wedding and all that, things could have gotten rotten. I could have lost my sense of direction on what is most important the hustle of the fantasy.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
11:12 am
I am going to put this out there and please people don’t take it out of context…If you find a woman with a close relationship with her Daddy…she is almost always a keeper.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:13 am
I have to maintain the house, yard, cars, mortgage, bills, garbage…I am not washing dishes or ever sleeping on the couch…believe dat!!!
W8 – If she is working, she is contributing to the maintainence of the house just like you are. Gone are the days where the woman HAS to cook just because she’s the woman. She’s brining home the bacon just like you, you guys share responsiblilites too.
But I get what you are trying to say. And team work is required to make things work. If my man loved to cook more than I did (which is QUITE possible
), I’d be more than happy to do the dishes. I would never want to feel like I wasn’t pulling my “W8″ in a marriage or a partnership.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:14 am
@Leggs- my thoughts on deleting numbers..DO NOT DO IT..because you may delete it then they call and you might not recognize the number…
W8 – I agree. I never delete a number. I’ve only changed the name once though. You just have to get the will power to not call em ever again!
"Longtime Lurker"
August 12th, 2009
11:14 am
There have been some great comments posted this morning, esp. D-Dub’s 10:46! My question is this… Do you think the majority of folks in Atlanta marry for financial stability first, love or are they tired of the game of dating? I have my thoughts, but I want to see what the feedback is!
Kym-the magic number is 42
August 12th, 2009
11:16 am
And some people go out and adopt children man or no man..woman or no woman because they want to be parents. I know of two people who have done just that. Successful, dedicate people who felt the desire to be a parent so each went through the process and adopted a child.
Dan
August 12th, 2009
11:17 am
@For Real
?????
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 12th, 2009
11:17 am
ARed – co-signing your last post chica. And settling is sooo not an option.
Page1908 – that overspending is one thing I didnt do when I got married thank goodness but I have seen plenty of people do it.
Great post D-Dub
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:17 am
That’s a good point W8. I’m glad that my parents are still married and I have a good relationship with my dad. They pretty much have always let me do what I want and support me no matter what because for the most part, I make good decisions.
Grace
August 12th, 2009
11:17 am
Page, I used to watch Bridezilla, that show is hilarious!
Household chores should be evenly dispursted. If I cook, then he clean the kitchen, if I vacuum he should dust, if I clean the bathroom he should clean the bedroom, if he moves the lawn I should rake the yard, if he cleans the gutter I should atleast keep an eye on the ladder.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
11:17 am
Lady Low – Its Ok to do you but make sure during this process you are working on getting rid of your baggage. At some point you will get to where the entertainment dont even work and you’ll have to sit alone in the quiet of you. The goal is to get to St Elsewhere.. Gnarls Barkley used to speak to me on my bad days..
Anywhere you sit you can see the sun
Unfortunately on this island I’m the only one
Same rules apply on a rainy day
And it’s not such a pretty place to be
It just rains, and rains, and rains on me
Send a simple sign, I can understand
Then a flower grew out that sand
Before you knew it, I was back out on that sea
Now I don’t mind it so much
Because as long as I’m not there
Anywhere is St. Elsewhere
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 12th, 2009
11:18 am
Amred – My mom was like your dad in a way, used to drop gems & tell me what to watch for. She was never one to push the wedding & marriage thing, because she knew what work a marriage is. She was so practical. She would never have wanted me to settle and I have not!
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:18 am
LOL Grace- I’d be happy to have someone come over and mow my lawn. For now, I just pay someone else to do it for me. LOL
Leggs
August 12th, 2009
11:21 am
His is the first number I’ve deleted. Although I hate math, it’s very rare for me to look up a number in my phonebook. All numbers are in my head. I will recognize his numbers when he calls. He just called my desk but I didn’t answer. Credit Cards, lic plate numbers, soc sec. numbers, bdays, bank account numbers, all are in my head. My mother loves this about me. I have all her account numbers memorized as well.
Kym-the magic number is 42
August 12th, 2009
11:23 am
@W8 I am sorry but that is not always true.. There are some daddy’s who have set their daughters up to be horrible, horrible, horrible wives. Just as there are mothers, who have set their sons up to be horrible, horrible, horrible husbands. When I read that statement the song “Daughters” came to mind.
Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too
Lady Low
August 12th, 2009
11:23 am
Sit alone in the quiet of me? Okay. That’s way deeper than where I am. When/If I need to change my program, I will make whatever adjustment necessary and take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:23 am
Amred – My mom was like your dad in a way, used to drop gems & tell me what to watch for. She was never one to push the wedding & marriage thing, because she knew what work a marriage is. She was so practical.
kimmie – My mother…she’s a hoot. So she is my biggest fan and supporter, I often can do no wrong. But she was the the vocal one growing up and really stressed that “loving yourself and knowing your worth” thing.
However, now that I’m grown she just says off the wall stuff. Like both of my sisters married men with a kid and my mom is like “can one of y’all marry a guy who is not a baby daddy?!” while looking at me. She’s a straight mess.
I don’t even tell her about the guys I’m dating anymore cuz she’ll send out wedding announcement. Thank goodness my sisters are giving her grandchildren!
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 12th, 2009
11:24 am
Grace – now Im not for the yard work as I have no green thumb but I will clean most err’thang else! But I get your point and agree totally. Now if I find a man that is cool with folding clothes we are COOL!!
I love Gnarls Barkley too INFAMOUS
Page1908 – I also love that my parents are still together and I am close to my dad. Dad is more fair & balanced with what he tells me though always protective, mom is still mom (always trying to protect you from the world at all times).
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:24 am
Credit Cards, lic plate numbers, soc sec. numbers, bdays, bank account numbers, all are in my head.
Leggs – That is awesome. If I lost my phone it would be curtains for your girl.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
11:26 am
@Ared- I am just an old country boy and was raised differently..for me when I have been married or if I am married again..our household is based off of one income..mine..so if a job loss comes or whatver we will still be able to maintain..also I am from the mindset that my wife working is not obligatory..she can work if she wants to and if she doesnt want to she doesnt have to…I am the provider..if she wants to contribute…fine..she can buy groceries or something..or make sure we are always decked out in nice clothes…but that is not a must…The biggest thing my ex shared with me after we got divorced was that she “HAD” to work…she had a graduate degree and worked on and off..but she had the comfort of knowing that her “man” had her back..so she didnt have to put up with work bs..she told me it was a dramatic change in her lifestyle and a comfort that she missed…oh well….lol I would just come home and the whole house would look different sometimes…she would put some money in our savings and the rest she just did what she wanted to do with it..lol@ those memories..I knew if I walked in the bedroom and I had a brand new tie laying on the bed she had been shopping..lmao..our rooms in the house decors changed with the seasons and she was always giving stuff away…the only time I lost my cool was when I went to empty the bathroom garbage can and on the the bottom was a price tag for $75..who needs a $75 garbage can in the bathroom?.
For Real
August 12th, 2009
11:26 am
“I know my husband probably thinks I am crazy” – PROBABLY????
LL: Most people don’t marry because of (insert reason). They just Surrender!!!
Leggs: I delete as well. I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize or numbers that are not in my address book.
Oracle: I was with you until you romanticized it with Love.
In the words of that great spiritualy leader Al Greene “Love can make you do right, love can make you do wrong. It can make you come home early or it make you stay out all nite.
For Real now taking off his shirt and posing in front Ared like Al Greene.
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:27 am
LOL Mo- I told you I saw Butterball at Lenox yesterday. I was gonna give him your number, but he said you were too short for him. Lmao. *oh well* My Latino persuasion dude is kinda tall…like 6 feet. I *heart* him. lol
D Dub of the MSP (formerly of the ATL)
August 12th, 2009
11:27 am
I am going to put this out there and please people don’t take it out of context…If you find a woman with a close relationship with her Daddy…she is almost always a keeper.
W8, Damn skippy! I can’t agree with you more! Not to take ANYTHING from a mother’s ability to raise and nurture a child, but most women learn how to deal with men based on their interaction with that first man – their father.
I can’t tell you how many women I’ve dated that had strained or no relationship at all with their father… all of them are strong, educated, and very presumptuous about how men should treat them. It was their way or the highway because they were scared of ending up like their mother. I truly wish the best for them, but that block of ice was too much for me to crack – hopefully I gave the next dude enough of a head start.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
11:28 am
for me when I have been married or if I am married again..our household is based off of one income..mine..
W8 – *swoon* I stopped reading after that.
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
11:29 am
Leggs I think you are a Rain Man.