More than a baby
I’ve been hearing about a lot of weddings in the last few months, tis the season for it, you know. I can’t help but feel a little relieved when I see people my age and younger getting hitched, though. I suppose you start to wonder if are still considering it. I’m sure you’ve seen all the articles and statistics about how we are delaying marriage for whatever reason. Some of us even opting not to go that route altogether.
For a long time I thought it was impacting our options with dating: either you meet the type that views marriage like a miserable abyss that no sane individual would dive into; or you meet the type that feels that they have all the time in the world left to do that “family thing and settle down”. You know because they are way too busy living it up and enjoying that carefree lifestyle (Guilty!!). Then I think there is the type that only wants to procreate, and that’s it. They just want a baby, marriage is, well optional.
What about getting married just to have a family? Is that the wrong motivation to do it? I remember my mother said that when she was growing up, it was the thing to do. You graduate, you meet the good man and you start building a life. Her primary reason for getting married was to have kids.
Have you been to any weddings this summer? Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together? Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?
I still meet a lot of men who are marriage ready. They are looking for a good woman to marry and they don’t really want to wait for you to get on their timetable. If you aren’t ready, they will simply find the one who is ready and willing to marry them. Passion, compatibility, and love? Yeah well, to them, those things are nothing to hold out for. What do you think? Should you want to marry if that is missing?
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574 comments Add your comment
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:20 am
but to get married so you can have children….nah never heard that.
Mo – Crazy isn’t it?
Thanks for your response.
Kym-the magic number is 42
August 12th, 2009
10:21 am
Good Morning All,
I have not been to any weddings this summer, actually I am trying to remember the last wedding I did go to. Hmmm maybe 4 years ago?? My son was in the wedding party.
I am not against marriage..I think anyone(gay, straight, purple, yellow) who wants to do it should but I am not for the idea of marrying someone just for the sake of having a baby. I have friends who are thinking of going this route and friends who have taken this route only to wind up in front of a judge.
I had my life planned at 16..I knew exactly what I wanted at 16. I knew what I wanted, where I wanted to work, and why. I had no desire then to get married or have kids. It was not in the plan. However the best laid plans go all off track. While I didnt marry I did have a baby at 24.
When I had my son I knew some how I was going to have to raise him alone. I didnt predict his father’s demise or anything..I simply just knew that while I loved ole boy (heart and soul) I didnt want to marry him. Now at 37 I still don’t see marriage as a part of the plan..much to my son’s displeasure as he wants..in his words “brothers and sisters who are actually in the house.”
Miss Moni
August 12th, 2009
10:22 am
Good Wednesday Morning!
Have you been to any weddings this summer?
No, was invited to 1 but not going because it’s in Jamaica. (I have been in 3, including 1 last summer).
Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together?
Most of the people I talk to are either very much into marriage and family or exactly the opposite. Haven’t really met people who are in between. Have talked to some women who are just looking for FINANCIAL security 1st and foremost & view LOVE as an extra. (Go figure)
Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?
There should be. In my situation, I have 2 beautiful children already, so therefore, I’m not interested in getting married just to have children. I want to get married because me & my future husband to be (whoever/wherever he is) love each other & want to spend the rest of our lives together.
Passion, compatibility, and love?
A DEFINITE MUST HAVE!
Side note: I’m currently in grad school getting a Master’s in Marriage & Family Therapy!
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:23 am
Then they come on blogs like this complaining and BITTER!
Good (long azz) post Kimmie. I’m excited about your wedding trip to Italia!
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:24 am
I think the problem arises when folks are determined to get married or have serious relationships but yet “keep their options open” ..or trying to do single person things while trying to maintain a new relationship…there has to be a balance and compromise somewhere along the line…if you are not giving your ALL dont expect someone else’s all to be given to you…(I am talking to myself here also and this post is not gender specific..so resident “Shera’s” dont get up in arms)
Lady Low
August 12th, 2009
10:25 am
My current mindset is that marriage is for suckers. I am completely enjoying taking care of me and only me. When I was married, I felt like I was always doing something for HIM. I don’t particularly see myself extending myself for another person in that way ANY time soon.
C tha 1
August 12th, 2009
10:26 am
I realized I found the woman I wanted to marry earlier this year, and I did so this past March. I’ve known my wife for the past twelve years and you can say we officially dated a year before I proposed this past January.
Initially, the wedding was set for October, but a week after she said “yes”, she found out she was pregnant. This drastically accelerated her “grand wedding plans” as it was very important to her to get married before she had the baby . . . even before she started showing. This was fine with me as a nice, quaint, intimate, romantic courthouse wedding was right up my alley. But it didn’t go down like that. Well it didn’t go down the way I planned either as she ultimately got some of the bells and whistles she wanted with the wedding.
Still she is concerned that we haven’t spent enough quality time together as a couple before our son is born. I understand where she is coming from but I think about it differently. In my vows I said I would honor, provide, and protect. But that’s not totally inclusive to my wife, that’s for my entire family. Yes, passion, compatibility, and love are all necessary in order for a marriage to work. However, I do believe one can over romanticize those notions and constantly wait for the stars to align in the right place for you to feel all of that at the same time waiting on The One. In my case all of those emotions didn’t happen at once, but over a period of time. And in all honesty I was extremely lucky to realize my wife was The One for me before it was too late.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:29 am
I believe you can be responsible and accept accountability but still not be ready for marriage. However, I do not believe you can be irresponsible and not willing to be held accountable for your actions and say you are ready for marriage
Peach I agree.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:30 am
@Lady Low- you just recently got divorced right? Nothing wrong with that mindset
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:31 am
Very sweet C tha 1. Congrats to you and the fam.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:32 am
W8 – well now at least we know it aint just men that are bitter after divorce.. Ha ha!!!
Lady Low – Do you babe and enjoy life, however it goes.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:33 am
“keep their options open”
W8 I have said it 100 times. That person needs to stay single. If you want to live the single life, stay single.
Sexy is Cool
August 12th, 2009
10:34 am
w8 – I cosign your 1024a wholeheartedly.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:35 am
I’m gonna say this too after going thru a divorce everyone was upset with their EX’s and bitter at one point. I mean its par for the course but as long as you deal with your issues and move on. Its ok to be upset and let down, just dont stew in it.. I wouldnt wish divorce on my worst enemy..
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:35 am
That person needs to stay single. If you want to live the single life, stay single.
Amen!
I can’t say that I have always run after hearing this, but I can say I do now, so that is all that matters.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 12th, 2009
10:36 am
ARed – no problem
Page1908 – I told you Lil Mo is on the way chica!! He told me this morning “Mommy you have to go to Kroger so we can get some more marshmellows”….bossy kid. LOL!
And I havent been to any wedding this year but if I get one more baby shower invite….but it is that time of year.
W8 – “if you are not giving your ALL dont expect someone else’s all to be given to you…” Well said mayne
Kym-the magic number is 42
August 12th, 2009
10:36 am
@Wisey what happen to that link to email you. I have a topic..or rather an article for you to check out.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:36 am
I wouldnt wish divorce on my worst enemy..
DK – Just about everyone I know who is divorced has said the same thing.
Fulfilling Me (in an on and poppin mood!)
August 12th, 2009
10:37 am
@W8- I agree with your 10:24
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:37 am
@DK- true..she came on here and said what her intentions were yesterday and was straight up with it…you have to respect that.
@Raqi- I dont think folks know the damage that mindset brings upon the budding relationship.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:37 am
I’ve known my wife for the past twelve years
Ctha1, that really helps. LOL
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 12th, 2009
10:38 am
INFAMOUS – “I wouldnt wish divorce on my worst enemy..” Co signing with a gold tipped, feathered pen! 100%
kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!
August 12th, 2009
10:39 am
C tha 1 – That’s beautiful, congrats! You are blessed and realize it!
Amred – I came to the conclusion I wanted to elope many years ago. In fact, me & SO went to the mountains back in March and it had been awhile since I had talked to my aunt, my mom’s sister. She called and said “you guys didn’t get married, did you?” I laughed. The place we went had a lot of little wedding chapels & she knew I always said I wanted to elope!
We better get to saving for this Italy thing though, if the dream is going to come true!LOL!!
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:40 am
ARED – Thats why I share my experiences because Iwant somebody one day to just remember what that crazy dude Infamous said.. I know I shoulda coulda woulda done a lot more in my marriage had I known what I was supposed to be doing. I didnt know marriage changed the dynamic so drastically that I dont think I was prepared for the change. I thought I knew what its gonna be, but merging finances and just to people (that had never lived with anyone) together was alot more than I bargained for.
Tiff
August 12th, 2009
10:40 am
“if you are not giving your ALL dont expect someone else’s all to be given to you”
Bowing head…Amen
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
10:41 am
Mo- LOL @ marshmellows. Hey, I think I have some of those.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:41 am
W8 that’s kind of what I was talking about to Peach. There is a responsibility that comes with marriage that a lot of folks do not realize. While some would say that they are responsible and accountable, if they cannot see how you cannot live single while not single, they still have some more responsibility training they need to get.
Marriage Minded = It’s not just about me anymore.
Randyt (aka Been there, Done that, Got a Closet FULL of t-shirts)
August 12th, 2009
10:41 am
Hi WD and All,
In DC and only jumping in for a minute…I honestly think you are treading on dangerous ground here. There are a bunch of MYTHS out there about marriage, about parenthood, and about the motives for marriage. 1) marry to have babies…what crap…parenting is the hardest job on the planet, physically, financially, and emotionally. It is a RESPONSIBILITY that there are toooooo many UNRESPONSIBLE people jumping into. A parent OWES it to his/her unborn son/daughter to be the best parent he/sh can and frankly there are already too many “sperm donors not parents” out there that do the deed and then run from the responsibility. 2) Getting married for reasons other than mutual love, respect, and admiration is a train wreck waiting to happen…marriage is tough and if one does not have an abundance of patience, and genuine caring then people ARE going to get hurt. It is what it is. 3) There are still plenty of good men and good women out there. Most of the time people go for the “rogues” and then don’t understand why they are left in the middle of the road with their hearts and lives in tatters. You will find exactly what you seek. If there is a repetitive problem, then look first in the mirror and start asking some tough questions.
My 2 cents.
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:42 am
W8 – I missed her intentions.. Were they bad? I like those kind..
Leggs
August 12th, 2009
10:42 am
Quite refreshingo read you C tha 1.
I haven’t been in any weddings and am thankful for that. For those that get married simply to have children are in for a rude awakening. To slight the husband after the children arrive reaks unbelieveable havoc on the family structure. Hell, there isn’t a family. There’s a woman raising and loving her child all the while tolerating the husband. Who wants that?!?
I’m not necessarily against marriage for others, just against it for me. That thin white piece of paper (or is it beige), mentally changes a lot of people and soon the “institution of marriage” is clouded with a belief system that sometimes is not realistic. Marry for love, companionship, passion, chemistry, respect, the ability to communicate and the fact that you actually like each other through the darkest of times.
For Real
August 12th, 2009
10:43 am
Wedding vs Funerals = Samethang
Divorce/Custody laws are ruining marriage. Until something is done marriage numbers will continue to decline. However, getting married just for kid is stupid at best and that goes for thoes idiots that donate sperm. Then look surprise when the chick turns around and hits them up Child Support. Always remember what the abc man says about chicks.
Passion, compatibility, and love? – I believe two (passion & love) of those 3 words are the root cause of divorce in the country.
Why? Well no two people (including the ones that are married) have the same definition of passion and love. Thus, one party always feels/believes they are getting the short end of the stick.
Keys traits of a sucessuful relationship:
1. Accountibility
2. Strong Work Eithic
3. Honesty
4. Self Control
5. Compatibility
Those are the traits of sucessful people. Passion is given out every sunday at the football game and Love, well it’s the most overused term on the face of the planet well, maybe except for “Bless You” but either way not many believe what they are saying.
Luv you guys! Go Falcons!
Miss Moni
August 12th, 2009
10:43 am
@ W8: I agree with your 10:24.
@ C tha 1: Glad you realized it before it was too late. Congrats!
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:44 am
Amred – I came to the conclusion I wanted to elope many years ago.
kimmie – My grandparents eloped. They have been married 62 years.
My parents eloped. Been married for 32.
My baby sister eloped.
My middle sister technically gave us notice, but she got married on an island few of my family could afford to attend. I was the only one.
Eloping is the family business. And you can’t say that the wedding is more important than the marriage that way.
Ironically, since I’m the only one left who is not married, everyone wants ME to have a wedding.
As I told them with law school, if you want to pay for it, go for it!
Page1908
August 12th, 2009
10:44 am
If parenting is the most important job in the world, then why is it that so many people think having a baby with someone is no big deal, but marrything them is like the kiss of death? I don’t get this. *shrugs*
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:44 am
@Raqi- I agree
I cant speak on what to do in a marriage because I have failed at that ..but I sure can speak on what not to do…I had that downpacked.
Lady Low
August 12th, 2009
10:45 am
I know that I’m jaded and at this point, really don’t give a damn. Every day I wake happy and good with myself. Spending more time focusing on my damn self has made me a more effective person all around. I’m a better employee, better relative, better friend.
If my independent battle cry offends you, so be it. I am. I require men for their entertainment, their companionship and their sex. Then I send them home. I’m not cooking for anybody, cleaning up after anybody or worrying what another person is doing when they’re not with me.
Hanging with me, you get the GFE (GirlFriend Experience). We are not playing house because I am not your pretend wife.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:46 am
@DK- She said she was recently divorced, didnt care for a serious relationship she just wanted to have fun and that there are plenty of men in Atlanta who are more than willing to do that….(thats what I gathered from what she wrote..she can correct me if I am wrong)
D Dub of the MSP (formerly of the ATL)
August 12th, 2009
10:46 am
The only wedding I’ve been to this summer is my own… and to be honest if one more person asks me “How’s married life?” I might scream! Building up to the big day, however, I did have several at-length conversations about how did you know you were ready, and a bunch of related topics.
For years I subscribed to Biggie’s philosophy to dating: “I don’t chase ‘em, I replace ‘em.” Living in Atlanta made it easy to do. It was easy to keep a rotation in place… one in Gwinnett, Cobb, DeKalb, Henry, Buckhead…
When I met my wife, she paid me no attention and I didn’t follow up on it because I had plenty of others out there to keep my attention. We have both talked about it and had we gotten together back then, we both agreed that we wouldn’t be dating now, much less married. Having said that, a snippet of wisdom I picked up from a friend is this – Women wait for the right man, Men wait for the right time.
For some men, that time may never come. For some women, that man may never come either. Ultimately, it comes down to what you want in life. Marriage is not the end-all, be-all… don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I have friends that are married for a plethora of reasons – financial stability (yes, they admitted it), the shotgun, actual true love… but one the other end, Georgia State has a better chance of beating Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl than some of my friends getting married.
We all have that list of things we want in a mate. We all want perfection, but if you are waiting for that to get married, then you will find yourself waiting a long time. There are things my wife hates about me and vice-versa, but if we changed those things we wouldn’t be the same person anymore.
One last thing, and I’ll shut down the soap box… marriage and relationships as a whole are what you make of them. That relationship is between you and that other person – not your friends, family, and other various peanut gallery members. So if you’re in it just so you can have some kids, or whatever your motivation may be – be honest about your motivation from day one. That way no one feels betrayed in the end, no one ends up in a fight chronicled by “Cheaters”, and everyone is happy.
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:47 am
Going off into left field sorta…
I think the best thing my husband and I did was not plan or have a big wedding. We had a marriage ceremony before a minister and a couple of witnesses. He asked, I accepted, we did it. 10 days flat.
There was no time to over romanticize it. It wasn’t about the wedding, it was all about us wanting to and agreeing to be one for life.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
August 12th, 2009
10:47 am
Raqi – “Marriage Minded = It’s not just about me anymore” and that says a WHOLE lot right there. Selflessness
Page1908 – LOL!
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:48 am
@Lady Low- nobody here is knocking you for being you….but you lost me at you are not cooking…LMAO..
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:48 am
Thats why I share my experiences because Iwant somebody one day to just remember what that crazy dude Infamous said.. I know I shoulda coulda woulda done a lot more in my marriage had I known what I was supposed to be doing.
DK – I don’t think anyone knows what they are doing. But I do thank you for sharing your experiences, even when they have me looking like this –>
at the screen.
One thing I notice though, is that people don’t always want to admit that they picked the wrong person from jump. Many folks knew there were flags from the beginnng, but because she was pregnant or because y’all had been dating for X years, you pushed forward anyway. Even still, I believe things happen for a reason.
But when the trolls get on here and remind me that “I can’t keep a man” I find it rather empowering. I know I’m not going to settle for any old thing just to have a relationship. It’s not worth it to me.
Dan
August 12th, 2009
10:49 am
@Lady Low
There was a time (’bout 4 months ago) that a cat like me would’ve signed up for that arrangement….
But that was then.
Stay up, it gets better with time…
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:50 am
@d Dub- great post
THE INFAMOUS DK
August 12th, 2009
10:51 am
LAdy Low – I love it… Someone who loves someone for entertainment.. Wow.. I’ve said that ish a million times.. I’m not offended I actually find it quite refreshing that someone out there understands me..
Oh that was a nice touch with the GFE on the end of that also cause Im a firm believer in the BFE..
C tha 1
August 12th, 2009
10:52 am
Thanks for the well wishes everybody!
Raqi
August 12th, 2009
10:52 am
tolerating the husband
Leggs it’s sad that happens a lot. I tolerate my co-workers because I like the company I work for. But just merely tolerating a spouse, the one you are supposed to be one with, the one that you share yourself with is just disheartening.
Lady Low
August 12th, 2009
10:53 am
There are HUNDREDS of restaurants in Atlanta where there is plenty to eat. I don’t have to be the one preparing the meal.
AmazonRed™
August 12th, 2009
10:53 am
If parenting is the most important job in the world, then why is it that so many people think having a baby with someone is no big deal, but marrything them is like the kiss of death? I don’t get this. *shrugs*
Page – You know I’m with you there.
W8©
August 12th, 2009
10:53 am
@DK- when she came on here yesterday I was like wow..a female “infamous”
@Dan- I agree with you…it’s something special when you realize your self worth