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More than a baby

I’ve been hearing about a lot of weddings in the last few months, tis the season for it, you know. I can’t help but feel a little relieved when I see people my age and younger getting hitched, though. I suppose you start to wonder if are still considering it. I’m sure you’ve seen all the articles and statistics about how we are delaying marriage for whatever reason. Some of us even opting not to go that route altogether.

For a long time I thought it was impacting our options with dating: either you meet the type that views marriage like a miserable abyss that no sane individual would dive into; or you meet the type that feels that they have all the time in the world left to do that “family thing and settle down”. You know because they are way too busy living it up and enjoying that carefree lifestyle (Guilty!!). Then I think there is the type that only wants to procreate, and that’s it. They just want a baby, marriage is, well optional.

What about getting married just to have a family? Is that the wrong motivation to do it? I remember my mother said that when she was growing up, it was the thing to do. You graduate, you meet the good man and you start building a life. Her primary reason for getting married was to have kids.

Have you been to any weddings this summer? Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together? Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?

I still meet a lot of men who are marriage ready. They are looking for a good woman to marry and they don’t really want to wait for you to get on their timetable. If you aren’t ready, they will simply find the one who is ready and willing to marry them. Passion, compatibility, and love? Yeah well, to them, those things are nothing to hold out for. What do you think? Should you want to marry if that is missing?

574 comments Add your comment

ImAPeach404

August 12th, 2009
8:32 am

Monrnin’

Have you been to any weddings this summer? No. I haven’t been to a wedding since my brother got married and my son – who was 5 – was the ring bearer. My son turned 14 in March…

As a matter of fact, I’ve never been to the wedding of a friend. Ever. In life. And I’m 32.

Passion, compatibility, and love? …Should you want to marry if that is missing? For me – no. I’m not interested in having any more kids. If I’m not marrying for love, there is no other reason in my circumstance.

Stan

August 12th, 2009
8:50 am

Passion gets you through those first few years, so it is more important than you would think. Compatibility gets you through the rest of it. And without Love, what’s the point?

You should NEVER marry just to have kids. That said I tend to believe that you should be married when you have kids (I know it’s old fashioned).

I haven’t been to a wedding in several years. @ 36 I find myself going to more funerals.

Deeva4Life

August 12th, 2009
8:58 am

Passion, compatibility, and love? Yeah well, to them, those things are nothing to hold out for. What do you think? Should you want to marry if that is missing?

I agree with ImAPeach404; that wouldn’t work for me. As one who got married really young and endured the divorce process, I’d never want to do it again without passion, compatibility and love. I desire a family one day, but after sitting on the sidelines I’ve observed that having a family is hard work. It’s not some glossy picture painted in the movies. It really takes two people committed to each other first and then committed to the raising and upbringing of their children. I’ve seen children do one of two things to couples…draw them closer together or drive them further apart. I want the whole picture, but honestly if/when I re-marry I want to focus on my husband and solidifying that union BEFORE we add to our family.

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
9:03 am

Morning all –

Have I been to any weddings this summer?! Yes. I’ve been invited to six weddings in 2009. Two more scheduled for 2010. Folks are definitely making the big leap these days.

I have a very close girlfriend. We both date a lot, but our attitudes are vastly different. She feels her purpose in life is to have a child, so she’s trying to get married and have one by any means possible (other than trapping a guy). So after a few weeks of dating, she’s often in a relationship. She’s even admitted that if her marriage hits the rocks, she’ll probably get divorced because she rather be a great mom then sit around and talk about what is wrong in her marriage.

I on the other hand, am dating to find a life partner. Children are optional. I’d rather travel the world with my hubby, which requires an adventurous attitude. That being said, it takes me much longer to settle down, I still bypass men with kids, etc.

More than one way to skin the cat, but it’s interesting the mindset of men we date based on our own personal objective.

Grace

August 12th, 2009
9:03 am

Have you been to any weddings this summer? yes.

Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together? that’s a toss up, I’ve met people who are into marriage and the whole nine yard, with family and all, while I’ve met a small amount of people who rather stay single and is totally against marriage let alone having a child(ren). I’m all for marriage and I miss it.

Raqi...In Holy Matrimony...With a Newborn

August 12th, 2009
9:03 am

IMO you should be careful of that person whose sole purpose of wanting to marry is to have a baby or babies. You may just find yourself being no more than that person’s baby mother rather than a mate to your partner. Passion, compatibility, and love? You need it. Gotz to have it.

What folks don’t realize is a baby is another person interjected into your lives. Babies are wonderful. A beautiful creation. However baby’s can get in the middle. They are helpless little beings having to be attended to. If you think it’s hard keeping things together, fresh and active with just the two of you, imagine what it’s like having that little person there and you having to do things around his/her schedule.

As for weddings, I will be attending one later this month. And I would say within the last 5 years I have attended 4 not counting my own. There were two others that I had planned to attend but unforeseen circumstances prevented it. In all of these wedding the couples were 35yrs. and up.

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
9:08 am

As a matter of fact, I’ve never been to the wedding of a friend. Ever. In life. And I’m 32.

:shock:

ImAPeach404

August 12th, 2009
9:14 am

So after a few weeks of dating, she’s often in a relationship.

SHE’S in a relationship, but is HE???

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
9:17 am

SHE’S in a relationship, but is HE???

Yes.

She meets men, often divorcees with kids, who want nothing more than to be married again.

ImAPeach404

August 12th, 2009
9:19 am

She meets men, often divorcees with kids, who want nothing more than to be married again.

Is there a website for that? Lol…
Oh, and I’m with you on the traveling thing – thats how I’d like to spend the rest of my days. Seeing the world with my man. How nice :)

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
9:20 am

BUONGIORNO Bloggers!

I had a simular discussion more recently and I admitted that I have given myself until 2010 to get ready (in every way) before I say “I do”. It’s not enough to just wanna get married and pro-create, I want to be in love and bring my best into that union. If, he is not willing to wait for that, then he is not the one.

They say, when you know better, you do better………. if this is not your first marriage, you really need to be intentional about your actions. For me, this time will be for keeps. I think responsible people that are concerned with the health of their prospective union would want that. It’s like preparing for a marathon, you don’t start running hoping to go the distance, you train to reach to your personal best, then you run.

Have A Great Day!:P

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
9:23 am

ARED & PEACH – BTW There is a Book Called “Single Husbands”, the title says it all!

TTYL

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
9:23 am

Is there a website for that? Lol…

:lol: Peach, she has done most of the dating sites. And she will not pick men who are too handsome. Usually they remind me of the guy from the movie Waiting to Exhale, the one who Robin could have had a V8 after. :lol:

Deeva4Life

August 12th, 2009
9:29 am

Usually they remind me of the guy from the movie Waiting to Exhale, the one who Robin could have had a V8 after.

Thanks ARed, I needed that morning laugh. Too funny!!

Page1908

August 12th, 2009
9:30 am

Good Morning

Pretty Wings, re: your 2010 date, what will you do if you reach that goal?

Tiff

August 12th, 2009
9:31 am

Have you been to any weddings this summer?

Nope. All of my best female friends are married. All my best guy friends are single and looking to be married.

Have you found that people are still into marriage and raising a family together?

Yep. Of the guys and girls that I know that are married, they all felt they were ready to be married and have a goal of the number of kids to have, where they will live, etc. Quite a few of my married female friends are housewives after having successful careers before marriage. Some are content…some are going crazy being at home all day…but they’re all happy (or so they tell me).

Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?

Yep. There are enough baby mamas and baby daddies out there to answer this one.

Passion, compatability and love all necessary to keep from choking him or her out when you have to deal with the “for worse” part of the vows.

abc

August 12th, 2009
9:36 am

I’ll avoid quoting a bunch of statistics about it. It gets pointless.

Having children outside of marriage does a grave disservice to the child. It’s almost a guarantee of dysfunction. Getting married solely to have children will likely result in a similar net effect, due to divorce and demise of the marriage.

Folks should be required to read books about marriage or something. It’s remarkable that people seem to know so little about it.

W8©

August 12th, 2009
9:38 am

Kids are no reason to get married or stay married if it’s not a good marriage. Do I want to be married again? Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t..so that means I am not ready. I used to have a deadline for marriage..I dont anymore…If the woman I marry wants kids I can roll with that if not I already have kids….

Raqi...In Holy Matrimony...With a Newborn

August 12th, 2009
9:39 am

while I’ve met a small amount of people who rather stay single and is totally against marriage let alone having a child(ren)

Grace the same here. Most people that I know that are not married want to get married ( = exclusive committed relationship) sooner than later.

Fulfilling Me (In an on and poppin mood!)

August 12th, 2009
9:40 am

Morning All!

Being that I have two children, marriage for me is not for the kids. Although, I thought things would go accordingly..marriage then kids. It didn’t., but regardless of how it happen, I still want to marry my partner for life. Marriage has never been just for procreating for me.

I haven’t attended any weddings, although, most of me and most of my girlfriends are between 28-30. We have the focus of now preparing ourselves for marriage, whenever it may come.

Sexy is Cool.

August 12th, 2009
9:40 am

Three Words Daily – Release inner struggle.

Raqi...In Holy Matrimony...With a Newborn

August 12th, 2009
9:41 am

Folks should be required to read books about marriage or something. It’s remarkable that people seem to know so little about it.

Yep abc. It’s more than a notion.

ImAPeach404

August 12th, 2009
9:43 am

I had a simular discussion more recently and I admitted that I have given myself until 2010 to get ready (in every way) before I say “I do”.

@PW
Ehhh… I know you’ve stated that you’ve given yourself until 2010 (which isn’t that far away) to get ready. But I hope you’re also willing to give your future husband time to get ready too. And, I know this goes w/out saying, but, just because you’re ready, doesn’t mean he is. I’ve been ready for YEARS to be in a committed relationship… however, I’m still very much single. The waiting game is no fun. Knowing that you’re prepared but cannot find someone who is searching for what you are offering can really eff with your head… Just make sure patience is one of those things you “work on” too :)

(Did anybody watch the T.O Show last night?)

Sexy is Cool.

August 12th, 2009
9:48 am

I would like to be married, but I’m not desperate for it – meaning, I don’t want to get married JUST to be able to say I’m married. If it’s not a stable, mutually fulfilling relationship, then I’ll stay single.

No use getting married and putting up with bvllsh!t all in the name of coupledom.

When it comes to kids, I’m like an Almond Joy. Sometimes, I feel like a nut. Sometimes, I don’t. I love children. Don’t have an issue dating someone with them. Do I want my own? Depends on what day it is.

Page1908

August 12th, 2009
9:53 am

LOL SexyCool. You know you want a little SexyCool Jr. lol

Raqi...In Holy Matrimony...With a Newborn

August 12th, 2009
9:53 am

Peach I asked my brother once about the “not ready” statement because he has said it before. The thing with me is I never even thought of it like that before I got to the place that got me to where I am now. Being not ready. In my mind I wasn’t ready or not ready. I was just in a relationship.

I sometimes talk about being marriage minded but in truth that just means being settled down and willing to be responsible and accountable. I asked my brother will he be ready after he has exhausted all of his good years and his mental and physical strengths. After everything is only working 70% and he ain’t really that good for anything else but to settle down.

I want the best of my husband and I want him to have the best of me. And I believe we were ready at the time for each other however not having that “okay I am ready to settle down” mindset. That mindset usually comes when you are tired.

Sexy is Cool.

August 12th, 2009
9:53 am

I should have said…when it comes to ME HAVING kids OF MY OWN, I’m like an Almond Joy.

Sexy is Cool.

August 12th, 2009
9:55 am

Page – Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane?

Oh, and Little SexyCool Jr. – ~lmao~

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
9:55 am

Is there more than a baby and the desire to have children motivating us to seek one another?

In my case, definitely yes. Since children are optional.

And I think that’s why I take my time and meet men who want to take their time. We won’t marry til it’s something that we absolutely want to do and know it’s right.

Also, I can’t sit up here and say I don’t enjoy being single. I do. Probably sometimes too much. I can’t say I’d be devistated if I have to live the rest of my days the way I do now.

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
9:56 am

PAGE & PEACH – Thanks! Yea, as a matter of fact patience is one of those things! I’ve been preparing for a while now and you are right, for some the waiting game is not fun, I hope that’s not my story! The possibility of falling in love and meeting that right person……maybe I already have…..I am ready for love, just not marriage.

W8©

August 12th, 2009
10:00 am

@PW- My deadline was 2010…it’s been changed..TBD at a later date

Page1908

August 12th, 2009
10:01 am

LOL @ Little SexyCool Jr. Girl, you know I am counting the seconds until I go on my West Coast tour de jour. LOL…I leave en la manana mija.

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
10:01 am

……And yes, the patient one can get a baby…..maybe lol!

W8©

August 12th, 2009
10:02 am

@Page- My vacation starts tomorrow also

Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 12th, 2009
10:03 am

Do I want to be married again, yes. Would I be disappointed if it didnt happen, maybe. However if I managed to have a great, stable relationship with someone, I wouldnt walk away from it b/c we arent talking marriage. Now birthing more children isnt an option, hence why I stay away from men without children or that say they want more. Mo cant help you….

And people getting married just to have children…..wow…..didnt know people actually did stuff like that. SMDH

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
10:03 am

España! Have fun!!!

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
10:04 am

@W8 – I did’nt know you had a date…but I’m glad to know that you are preparing either way.

Staci

August 12th, 2009
10:05 am

I attended my brother’s wedding last December. Other than that, I’ve not been to any lately. Our friends are at one extreme or another it seems. Either married (and been that way for a while) or no where near even contemplating the subject.

I can’t imagine marrying just to have kids, and can’t think of any non-married friends/family who would do that.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 12th, 2009
10:06 am

Marriage.. Been there and done that.. Now I dont have anything against marriage per se but I just dont think its necessary. Honestly. I think if you love one another ya’ll can be together without society defining what ya’ll are.

I seriously believe that without the marriage document it keeps people honest because they know they can leave at anytime. It keeps people putting their best foot forward because when people have papers on one another the expectation changes. “But youre my husband” and “But now youre my wife” puts a different spin on the relationship.

AmazonRed™

August 12th, 2009
10:07 am

And people getting married just to have children…..wow…..didnt know people actually did stuff like that. SMDH

Mo – I remember when abc would say his ex had no use for him after the kids came. I didn’t think that was actually possible.

Then I met my friend who said it straight up she wanted the children more than the marriage. Not like she would intentionally run a husband away, but more like “I’m not going to deal with this now since junior has soccer practice.” Just wow.

May I ask why you don’t want to have any more kids? You just have the one right?

W8©

August 12th, 2009
10:08 am

@PWings- Yup it was Jan 1, 2010…if it didnt happen by then I was going to just go back to just dating with no goal of marriage…I used to sing that from the mountain…but I realized that time frame isnt good..I dont want to force it..but I do still want to be settled in deep with a significant other by then…and knowing my inner most wants and desires I hope it leads to marriage..I just have to get over the fear of it all at some point

Pretty Wings

August 12th, 2009
10:10 am

I really gotta go, I’m gonna check in later……
BTW PEACH – did not see the show….but I love T.O., too cute!

ImAPeach404

August 12th, 2009
10:14 am

@Raqi – I like the stories about your brother… they are always interesting.
I don’t know much but I do know this – if a man tells you he is not ready, believe him. I believe you can be responsible and accept accountability but still not be ready for marriage. These things are mutually exclusive in my eyes. However, I do not believe you can be irresponsible and not willing to be held accountable for your actions and say you are ready for marriage.

I am ready for love, just not marriage Nicely stated!!!!

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 12th, 2009
10:15 am

Have I been to any weddings lately? Yes.. I think they are fun.. The bridesmaids make for intersting times..

Now we talk about what you should be marrying for.. Thats love without a doubt because if you are marrying for anything else you lose. That love is gonna carry you thru the rough times, when you dont feel like talking but know you need to cause you love this person. Or help you curb your tongue when you know you wanna curse the clothes off your mate. That love will make you want to stick out although things look bleak and at the end of the day that love will make you say I’m sorry when youre wrong.

W8©

August 12th, 2009
10:15 am

@Rell- Did you see that Reggie Miller stopped ol’girl and her fiance in their tracks..he produced the pics that she was sending him…her in bed, her in swimsuits etc

Mo (aka Moeisha)

August 12th, 2009
10:17 am

ARed – I have known people to say they would stay together for their child/children but to get married so you can have children….nah never heard that.

Yes I only have one lil rugrat. As for no more kids….well I never thought I would have my current lil ray of sunshine, just never thought being a mom was part of the plan for me. I always said I wouldnt have any after 35 or without a husband (so the name thing isnt an issue). I will be 34 this year and I am nowhere close to being married so birthing more is not an option. Plus if I cant be guaranteed a boy then I dont want another one. :smile: Its weird b/c I LOVE that I have siblings and so didnt want to have an only child but…..

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 12th, 2009
10:17 am

Morning great blog people!

I have not been to any weddings this summer and I am ecstatic about that! Last year was WEDDING year for me. I went to 3 & was in one. I have been IN too many weddings to count. I’m kinda like that movie 27 Dresses! You would think by this age I would be done with being in weddings. In fact, I said a few years ago the only wedding I was going to be in was my own. I’ve been in 3 since I made that statement! Gotta feeling, like that song On The Ocean – my ship has finally come, though. I will not be having a wedding though, but a wedding trip, hopefully to Italy. Just me & my boo! Weddings are lovely and I love love, but I really have no desire for a wedding and all that goes into planning one. Never have, really to be honest. Not trying to feed & please a bunch of folk.

My mindset has always been like Deeva. I have always wanted a strong UNION before even considering bringing kids into it. My SO has beautiful children and that is probably gonna be enough for me.

Marrying just to have kids is a jacked up attitude. Circumstances often call for single parenthood, but every effort should be made to provide children with a 2 parent stable home. That means striving to have a strong union that is as divorce-proof as possible.

I have major issues with the below statement from Wise:

I still meet a lot of men who are marriage ready. They are looking for a good woman to marry and they don’t really want to wait for you to get on their timetable. If you aren’t ready, they will simply find the one who is ready and willing to marry them. Passion, compatibility, and love? Yeah well, to them, those things are nothing to hold out for.

I have always RUN from dudes like this! These are the very dudes that wake up one day and say “What have I done”? Then the cheating begins because they are unfullfilled! Then they come on blogs like this complaining and BITTER! We’ve talked about it before, when some men get READY to marry, then they just go out & find someone who is. What kind of mess is that? Look for love & Friendship & someone you’ll enjoy being with over the years when the kids are gone & you ain’t as cute as you used to be! Geesh!!

The Real Rell - operation vanilla pudding is on!!!

August 12th, 2009
10:18 am

marriage, kids….that another job….on top of bieng a wife/husband..but i guess its only work when you dont enjoy it….lol

Page1908

August 12th, 2009
10:19 am

W8- That’s funny you and I are going onn vacation on the same day. lol. Bring me back a souvenier lol

Page1908

August 12th, 2009
10:20 am

LOL Mo- I said bring me Lil Mo and W8 needs to bring me Lil W8 Jr.