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Getting In The Way

There are so many single people that are oblivious to what it takes to keep people interested in them. So many of us focus on the absolute wrong thing, that we end up getting in our own way of making a connection. Here’s the thing: just because you have a great resume and look great on paper, doesn’t mean the right person will chase you down or fall into your lap.

If you really think about your last dating misadventures, you could probably pinpoint where you went wrong. It’s not always “I picked the wrong person” either. It’s possible that it is you. You are part of the problem and you may not know it.

One thing that I have noticed that I do is act very aloof with men that I am interested in. I have had this problem for quite a while and even when I actively try to change it, it seems to be a defense mechanism that kicks in like a knee-jerk reaction. What do you think is getting in the way for you?

I have noticed that in Atlanta, a man can think that his great car, fly clothes, and a little swagger (that word is not going away, is it?) is enough to make women fawn all over him. Oh, some fawn over him, alright! This is also the same guy that will complain about women who are too materialistic and shallow.

While the single women in Atlanta can boast of their hot looks and gym tight figures, they are happy to turn the heads of gentleman. They showcase their looks and accomplishments but will complain that men don’t take them seriously. They get upset when they can’t keep a man interested beyond a couple of weeks. They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. This is most likely because they lack the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart. Men need that, I think. Just as much as they need a woman that looks great and can put together a great meal.

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships? What are you going to work on that has impeded you in the past?

625 comments Add your comment

W8©

August 6th, 2009
10:59 am

Great post PG!

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
11:00 am

Ok, I think (this is MY opinion) that women fail in the area of reciprocation. Sometimes, everyone is concerned about having their needs met and are not taking into consideration the concept of dealing with the other person. Dating is a 2 way street not a dictatorship; yes I know men are supposed to pursue etc but also you have to put yourself in the guys shoes. What are you bringing to the table other than the trivial things? Why should I deal with you?

It is kinda like venture captialist. They invest in businesses because they want a return on investment. They care about money and how they are going to get it back and then some. Now what that exact return is up to you but do know that if guys are putting in their time, that they want returns. So if a guy takes you out 5 times and you have a great time, try planning something for him for the next time. Trust me it will be rewarded and appreciated.

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
11:00 am

AmRed – thanks. I’m not sure if I can do that with my mobile uploads ‘album’ I’ll have to check into it.

lurker

August 6th, 2009
11:00 am

you too PG….great post that is

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
11:01 am

@ Ared

Ok, I think (this is MY opinion) that women fail in the area of reciprocation. Sometimes, everyone is concerned about having their needs met and are not taking into consideration the concept of dealing with the other person. Dating is a 2 way street not a dictatorship; yes I know men are supposed to pursue etc but also you have to put yourself in the guys shoes. What are you bringing to the table other than the trivial things? Why should I deal with you?

It is kinda like venture captialist. They invest in businesses because they want a return on investment. They care about money and how they are going to get it back and then some. Now what that exact return is up to you but do know that if guys are putting in their time, that they want returns. So if a guy takes you out 5 times and you have a great time, try planning something for him for the next time. Trust me it will be rewarded and appreciated.

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
11:02 am

Someone pass me a bag of Salt ‘n Vinegar potato chips…imma be sittin’ inside Kym’s inner Grace today.

IslandGirl aka IG

August 6th, 2009
11:02 am

Good Morning Folks,

Just stopping in to say hello. This is an interesting topic and it is great to hear everybody’s perspective. My personal experience has taught me to be patient and don’t serve up my goods on a platter.

You can’t expect any guy to truly love and respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I think it is important for me to set the tone of the relationship I expect to have. It is sooooo irritating to me when men think because you have been on a couple of dates then you owe them something (particularly sex).

Drop 2 to 3 sizes in 10 minutes! Ask me how? Life is TERRIFIC!
http://www.ardysslife.com/djohnbaptiste

Check out the opportunity that is available to you!

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
11:04 am

@M.Dot

What happens when a woman has done the outlined things in your 11 and still nothing comes of it?

SexyCool - Grinding.

August 6th, 2009
11:06 am

And that’s why I call you Big Poppa. Awesomely introspectivePG. Thanks for sharing.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
11:07 am

@Fulfilling Me

At that point, they probably are not worth your time or effort. Charge them and keep it moving.

Kym-embracing my inner Grace today.

August 6th, 2009
11:08 am

Good Post PoppaG.

@Cee I am feeling very much like Grace from Saving Grace..I can relate to that character well. So today I am embracing my Grace.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
11:08 am

Poppa Grande, great post!!

abc

August 6th, 2009
11:10 am

If a guy takes her out 5 times and something isn’t reciprocated, then he should assume that she doesn’t have a genuine interest in him, or that she has nothing to offer that’s of interest to him. No, I’m not talking about sex; I’m talking about genuine interest in each other as people.

For people who persistently consider themselves not interesting enough, or consider that others aren’t interesting enough to them, I’d suggest involvement in a church. Discover your Spiritual Gifts and pursue them. Get involved in social outlets available through the church, Bible study groups, men’s/women’s/singles groups. You’ll meet people, they’ll be interesting, and you’ll be interesting too — especially once you shed the notions of what you want, what you deserve, what you consider ’settling’, you, you, you. Self image problem? Self-focus and absorption issue? They seem almost related to each other.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 6th, 2009
11:10 am

What happens when a woman has done the outlined things in your 11 and still nothing comes of it?

Fulfilling/M Dot – I ask that question too, because reciprocation has never been a problem for me, but as Professor said earlier, sometimes your kindness is taken for weakness. Now that will never stop me from being me, but are there really THAT many women out here that are just taking, taking, taking and not giving ANYTHING in return or showing ANY appreciation? If so, like I’ve said before, upgrade your selection process.

Elijah( Get that spirit and happiness will follow)

August 6th, 2009
11:10 am

@Melo…. You get an A for that post young brutha!

@Professor….Can you give the fellas a description of the complete description of your entire outfit that you are wearing with those stilettos? j/k! :smile: Professor are the students able to concentrate around you? :wink:

@DK…. Women treat me too good for me to turn on them like that! I have been broken down by a woman,but, I have recovered from that broken heart! Now, I do not worry about failing again in a relationship but I try remind myself everyday to give every relationship I have my best effort!

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
11:10 am

hmmm….while checking out my big hands…I ask myself:

Am i ready of a successful relationship? Yup, long overdue! Not only am i ready, i’ve set aside the ENERGY to keep it successful!!!

PoppaG I really understood “stay safe” mode. Hell, i was a President of said company not long ago. But at this stage in my life i’m moreso i’m in the whole “it’s better to have loved, than none at all”…I riding the tidal waves…yes indeedy.

Poppa Grande

August 6th, 2009
11:13 am

W8

Thanx. I was taken back to that time by a recent post of yours. You talked about having a relationship with God in that post. I truly believe God wants us to be successful. Therefore, we shouldn’t be fearful of success.

W8©

August 6th, 2009
11:13 am

For the right person the right person will act the right way……

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
11:13 am

@ M. Dot

Exactly. Thanks for responding.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
11:14 am

Trust me it will be rewarded and appreciated.

M. really now? Because I’ve done those things and more) and they were not appreciated (didn’t do it for a reward). I’m a big fan of recipriocity but the men I’ve encounteredwere not. In addition to the fact, when they had women who were forever taking (and never giving back) you hear all the stories about how he kept doing for her, kept giving to her, yada,yada,yada. So from my experiences I disagree with your post, or should I say your post doesn’t apply to me.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
11:15 am

@Kimmie

I agree. I was raised to do for others when they do for you. I don’t mind taking my man out and spending on him if he has demonstrated the same to me. In fact, I love to show my man (when I have one) that appreciate him.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...do it right or not at all :-)

August 6th, 2009
11:16 am

Now, I do not worry about failing again in a relationship but I try remind myself everyday to give every relationship I have my best effort!

Nuff said Eli…..everybody’s dropping gems today…that’s what’s up.

W8©

August 6th, 2009
11:16 am

@PG- I agree with your 11:13, and I am my own worst enemy..behind the scenes I have been cleaning house and getting in order. You have to plan and act for success and not just expect it to be brought to you.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...do it right or not at all :-)

August 6th, 2009
11:17 am

For the right person the right person will act the right way……

I cosign……

Professor

August 6th, 2009
11:18 am

Elijah I am not messing with you today! I will say this I am looking good and feeling even better.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
11:18 am

@W8

Your 11:16 is exactly were I am at. Cleaning house, getting things in order, and preparing myself mentally, spirtually, and emotionally to receive my blessings. I had to stop being my own blessing blocker.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
11:19 am

@Deeva4Life

I understand what you mean and it’s definately not always going to work the same for everyone like every dating experience wont be a home run but it will be a valuable experience one way or another and hopefully you grow and learn from that even if it was negative.

Wise Diva

August 6th, 2009
11:19 am

wow, Infamous, is that really you?! I love it when you open up and share, your less edgy side :)

I am absolutely loving the comments today, soo thoughtful. Keep them coming, guys!

W8©

August 6th, 2009
11:19 am

@Sassy- It really is that simple..IMO and it goes both ways

Elijah( Get that spirit and happiness will follow)

August 6th, 2009
11:20 am

@PG…. Great Post mayne!

Those are true words of wisdom! Are you ready for a successful relationship!

@ Now PG can you go solve the NFL rookie contract situation! Paying rookies millions of dollars in bonus who have yet to establish themselves in the NFL is going to ruin the NFL someday!

Now back to the regular program!

@W8…. You cannot act right unless you are already right! No one can make you straighten up if you got a whole lot of bad in ya!

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 6th, 2009
11:21 am

If a guy takes her out 5 times and something isn’t reciprocated, then he should assume that she doesn’t have a genuine interest in him, or that she has nothing to offer that’s of interest to him.

abc – I agree. I don’t go out of my way for someone I’m not interested in, but then again, I probably would have figured that out before 5 dates too.

Leggs

August 6th, 2009
11:22 am

Excellent post, PoppaG

I just got a call from a friend saying he misses me and wants to hug and kiss me. He then says goodbye. This isn’t the first phone call I’ve received like this. However, this time I call him back and ask why he keeps making these calls to me and not following up w/anything. He says “I know you’re special and you won’t tolerate me as I am and all my BS. So, I’m working on myself before stepping to you.” Again BS at it’s finest. I know this man too well, and he’s not changing! But, I can’t change how he thinks but I know how to keep it moving all the while taking care of myself!

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
11:23 am

Letting someone into your space comes with successful relationship.

This may not be big to some, but in the past I wouldn’t let a guy I was dating use my bathroom. Didn’t matter if we were watching a movie in my room, I would have him go use the guest bathroom. (that started when this guy I was dating dribbled on my floor one time) The first time my guy went to use my bathroom I almost freaked out, but I let him – that was a big step for me but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to go to the hall bath…he deserved better than that.

Listening to ‘Breathe Into Me O Lord’ on my Fred Hammond pandora station…. I need to unpack my CDs!!!!

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...do it right or not at all :-)

August 6th, 2009
11:25 am

It really is that simple..IMO and it goes both ways

I totally agree W8 that it’s that simple and it must go both ways in order for things to be successful. I guess I’m at a crossroads right now….no I take that back b/c I’ve reflected enough and have realized that I should change things up so-to-speak…..be more social…do more things…meet new people. I’ve also realized that it’s okay to give myself the things that I don’t get from others. Too often people look outward for their happiness but I don’t….I start with ME and work from there.

Melo

August 6th, 2009
11:25 am

Thanx uall,cant play till afternoon!
Bossman hating on my pre-vac CEE!

lurker

August 6th, 2009
11:26 am

LeggsHowever, this time I call him back and ask why he keeps making these calls to me and not following up w/anything.

Don’t enable a BSer. A man that’s ready to bring it will, and void of BS. Call a mental foul on him and keep the ig on him.

W8©

August 6th, 2009
11:26 am

Do you look at the “Cover”
Talk to someone who read the “book”
Read the “Cliff Notes”
Read the Narrative
Read the whole book.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
11:26 am

AmRed – thanks. I’m not sure if I can do that with my mobile uploads ‘album’ I’ll have to check into it.

Tazzee – Good point. I don’t think you can either. My bad.

Enjoy the beach!

Poppa Grande

August 6th, 2009
11:26 am

Elijah

Everyone except the rookies benefitting from the current system wants a change.

I’m a proponent of the slotted system that the NBA uses for draft picks. I think that it is coming soon since the Owners voided the last two years of the current CBA (collective bargaining agreement) with the players union. There will be some renegotiation on this issue especially since Upshaw is gone.

W8©

August 6th, 2009
11:28 am

@Eli- The right person will bring out the best in the right person…having the right person doing things that is even new to the right person

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
11:28 am

gotta go pick up one car (45K svc) and drop off the other (oil change)

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
11:28 am

Ok, I think (this is MY opinion) that women fail in the area of reciprocation. Sometimes, everyone is concerned about having their needs met and are not taking into consideration the concept of dealing with the other person.

M – I agree with you. And I know I have failed with that sometimes sitting up on Princess perch!

I think the main problem with men is consistancy. They want you to be loyal when they aren’t. They say things and do not do them. It’s very frustrating how you have to prove how “down” you are for a man who is fickle in return.

Grace

August 6th, 2009
11:29 am

good morning,

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships?

One guy told me I complained too much and was too blunt, another told me I was unresponsive and had a nonchalant attitude and yet another told me that I was too stubborn and spoiled. 3 different men with 3 totally different opinions. I sum it up as they all wanted to move way too fast and since I didn’t they bounced. I admit I am to some point all of the above but those are the traits I have that keep me from getting way over my head being lead by attraction instead of getting an emotional connection first.

I don’t know what I will change about myself to accommodate a man in my life. Since with life everyday bring changes. One thing I can work on is communication, not being too blunt with it and stop being having a sharp tongue.

SexyCool

August 6th, 2009
11:30 am

I think another place where we all go wrong in dating/relationships is our tendency to forget that we too are a prize, a gift, a wonderful thing to behold. We can want a person in our lives so bad sometimes that we allow ourselves to become secondary in our own life story.

We give up much power when we lose awareness of self.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
11:31 am

@ Fulfilling Me I will say this a lot of people want someone to treat them well, be engaging, worry about their well being etc. That is all good, I have no problem with buying a man dinner, or cooking him dinner hell I actually enjoy it because I like treating others. Some people are so jaded and scorn and not accustomed to kindness that you are speaking the wrong language to them. However when I see the BS going on dude acting a fool or cannot except proper treatment I just ask a few questions and he will get the drift. I usually will not call dude on the fact that he claim to have to two expensive cars, but I keep seeing him in this entry level girl car, or his job title and what he is say he do does not match up, or the fact that his stories are just too over the top and I know he is lying. Why should I go there…I just ask a few questions, which lets him know the Rent-A-Center lies need a new home?

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
11:32 am

I truly believe God wants us to be successful. Therefore, we shouldn’t be fearful of success.

Amen.

Sassy Me...juicy fruit...do it right or not at all :-)

August 6th, 2009
11:32 am

Are you ready for a successful relationship!

This reminds me of a song off of India Arie’s first cd called “Ready for Love”….it spoke to me and just thinking about the lyrics is making my eyes misty(I want to cry actually but I’m at work and must focus)….feeling rather melancholy….I need a big bear hug :(

Leggs

August 6th, 2009
11:32 am

@lurker, exactly what I haven’t been doing…enabling him. This time, I had to call for my own clarity. The fact that I haven’t called him in months prompts his calls to me. First time I’m hearing of “he’s working on himself.” Probably just graduated from psych 101. He must have heard these words from someone cuz he’s the “take me as you see me” type of guy with no apologies for his behavor. Now at 51 he wants to take inventory. Guess it’s never too late, but too late for me.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
11:34 am

@Ellijah ***You cannot act right unless you are already right! No one can make you straighten up if you got a whole lot of bad in ya!***

You are on point today…I need to add your class participation points in…

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
11:34 am

He says “I know you’re special and you won’t tolerate me as I am and all my BS. So, I’m working on myself before stepping to you.” Again BS at it’s finest.

Leggs – I was already to go “awwwww!” until you dismissed his azz! :lol: