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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Getting In The Way

There are so many single people that are oblivious to what it takes to keep people interested in them. So many of us focus on the absolute wrong thing, that we end up getting in our own way of making a connection. Here’s the thing: just because you have a great resume and look great on paper, doesn’t mean the right person will chase you down or fall into your lap.

If you really think about your last dating misadventures, you could probably pinpoint where you went wrong. It’s not always “I picked the wrong person” either. It’s possible that it is you. You are part of the problem and you may not know it.

One thing that I have noticed that I do is act very aloof with men that I am interested in. I have had this problem for quite a while and even when I actively try to change it, it seems to be a defense mechanism that kicks in like a knee-jerk reaction. What do you think is getting in the way for you?

I have noticed that in Atlanta, a man can think that his great car, fly clothes, and a little swagger (that word is not going away, is it?) is enough to make women fawn all over him. Oh, some fawn over him, alright! This is also the same guy that will complain about women who are too materialistic and shallow.

While the single women in Atlanta can boast of their hot looks and gym tight figures, they are happy to turn the heads of gentleman. They showcase their looks and accomplishments but will complain that men don’t take them seriously. They get upset when they can’t keep a man interested beyond a couple of weeks. They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. This is most likely because they lack the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart. Men need that, I think. Just as much as they need a woman that looks great and can put together a great meal.

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships? What are you going to work on that has impeded you in the past?

625 comments Add your comment

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
10:11 am

And I really think a lot of people are afraid that the thing just might happen but we fear the heartache the could be.

Elijah( Get that spirit and happiness will follow)

August 6th, 2009
10:11 am

Good Morning Everyone!

I have read some good post regarding this subject this morning.

@ABC…Talking about Self esteem is one of your strengths to converse about stick to it the words show good wisdom!

@Professor I am with you in regards to the peace statement, I am not looking for any woman to bring me peace. We should all have peace in our life before we entered in any relationship.

What I do know is I am not afraid to fail, I cannot hold back or worry about if someone is trying to get over on me in the dating game!

Mike Jones (who)

August 6th, 2009
10:12 am

Kimmie–
letting stuff slip until it built up into a big pile of resentment in me. Letting stuff go on longer than it should and hoping there would be a change

I agree

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
10:13 am

LOL Cemeeli that was my tag last night while out with a friend that is single. This one guy she knew asked my name and she said “Her name is Mrs. Spoken For”.

SexyCool - Grinding.

August 6th, 2009
10:14 am

Three Words Daily – Don’t resist change.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
10:15 am

Elijah-
The last part of your post is on point. I am not afraid to fail because life is about trial and error; learning from ones experiences and build upon them.

lurker

August 6th, 2009
10:18 am

I am not looking for any woman to bring me peace. We should all have peace in our life before we entered in any relationship.

There’s a huge difference though in disturbing the peace (or keeping…I should say) and (expecting someone to) bring. I’m at peace with myself, all the time but the ability to keep peace flowing between two different individuals where we may not agree on all things…as we are separate individuals…..takes effort.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
10:19 am

And I really think a lot of people are afraid that the thing just might happen but we fear the heartache the could be.

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar, so true!!

Hey Cemeeli!!

The Real Rell

August 6th, 2009
10:19 am

I don’t give up sex fast enough for many men

why?

i just want to know is it the emotional connection is not there…or is it his perception of you afterwards…could you answer this for me please

SexyCool - Grinding.

August 6th, 2009
10:19 am

What has impeded me in the past? Impatience. Picking wrong Yeah, I know you said don’t use that one. – so, I will elaborate and say choosing the wrong individuals based on the wrong criteria. Not enough knowledge of self.

So, yeah. Those are the things that I am working on – Not wanting everything NOW, looking past appearances into character, continued self introspection and improvement.

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:20 am

@ Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar – Good friend, that is. You did not havta beat ‘em off. She took care of that for ya. lol

I’m hungry…late to work…no breakfast…and i’m cold…

Professor

August 6th, 2009
10:21 am

@Fulfill I can relate to your that 10:07 I am a pretty cool person if I do say so myself but I have found guys and gals to take that as a weakness. Danger comes in judging a book by its cover because I will put a lid on things real quick. I do not have a problem with problem solving aka checking someone and setting him or her in his or her place…point blank period.

For the most part I am baffled when someone cannot accept kindness. What is that about? I guess a reflection on childhood and upbringing, because I expect people to be kind, considerate and compassionate towards me…ok I am off my soapbox, can one of you fellas grab my arm and help me down these stilettos are too high today?

Demi

August 6th, 2009
10:21 am

AmazonRed…I when love to give you a non-church like hug for your posts…I am in agreement with you for the most part.

East Point's Own

August 6th, 2009
10:23 am

AmazonRed Quite honesty, I don’t give up sex fast enough for many men. I was just having the convo with one last night, who reminded me, yet again, that there are plenty of fabulous women, who will give it up within days or weeks of meeting a guy.

In my case its not that I want a woman to give it up in the first week or two. I have dated women for months who I was very much interested in sexually when we met, and for several weeks afterwards… but at some point during month 1, 2, or 3 the desire to have sex just faded away. I mean I may still like them in all other ways but I just lose the drive to have sex with a particular woman after a certain period of time if it has not happened. Its been to the point where when the woman tried to make it happen I was not even feeling it anymore and did not let it happen.

But on the other hand I dated a woman for almost 2 years who I had sex with on the second date. So I can say with all honesty that if a woman gives it up in the first week I do not think of her in a negative way. But that’s just me…

Melo

August 6th, 2009
10:23 am

They showcase their looks and accomplishments but will complain that men don’t take them seriously. They get upset when they can’t keep a man interested beyond a couple of weeks

Frank had this discussion on radio yeaterday.

If u really want a man and a relatiosnhip,good looks and a phine body wont hurt u.Neither shld ur accomplishements.The qstion to be asked is,”what else is it about u other than the material suff that can go and come” Whats coming outa ur mouth and how do u carry urself,in public and in pvt.
Now, some of u maybe prisoners of ur upbringing, i understand that.If u are in that “comfort” (discomfort) zone,seek out other successful pple at relatiosnhips, and hear what they gotta say.U need a mentor too even when it comes to relationships and marriage.Gravitate towards other ladies or men that u admire and wld want to emulate and find out what their “secret” is.
Proclaiming that u independent,u got ish and ish is not gonna get u a man for long term.It will get u a man to sleep with,whose whole purpose for pursuing u was to brag to his hommies that he conquered you,Ms phine and Independent.Then what?
In he same breath,stay away from the men who lead with their money cars etc.Those are all good things to have but they dont make a good man.A good man is what he is about,his goals,his heart,his close family and the interaction with his community.Ur initial attraction to him may have been his trappings,thats understandable,we all viasual.But explore beyond that,be4 u sleep with him,to find out exactly how he conducts himself.
If u are a good and worthy woman and he is a good worthy man,u will find each other!
In addition and lastly,if u sek love,get prepared to be hurt.Luv does not come free! If u nurising hang ups from the failed relaiosnhips u have had in the past and u doog men eve time,”heh u men are this ,u men are that” u are not going to find luv.The new man who steps up to u is not the one who dogged and phlukked u last time,for no return to u.So spare him that tongue lashing and byiattch ass behaviour.Close the last chapters in ur failed relatiosnhips and open new, clean slates.
If u still nursing a failed relatiosnhip hangover,sit ur azz down!

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
10:23 am

@kimmie-livin my life like it’s golden!

THANK YOU That’s all I meant. Now if I just posted it up with total disregard it would have been an issue.

@AmazonRed™

I see your point of view also…

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
10:23 am

M. – Ok yeah you cant ignore 1 disrespectful act because they will only do it again..

C tha 1

August 6th, 2009
10:25 am

For some reason this topic is bringing me to the LA Fitness shootings in PA recently. Dude definitely was in his own way. But I was talking with my wife last night that their are plenty of men who desire to interact with a woman but simply lack the social graces to do so. Sad, of course. The shooter fell off the wagon some time ago and couldn’t get back on.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
10:25 am

Professor-
Exactly. I don’t have an issue putting someone in their place, but it comes out really harsh because I am chill spirit. Content my nature, but folks will test you. I think you hit the nail on the head with accepting kindness. I have been told that I have everything a man (that particular one) wanted without even asking, but it seemed to real.

Really? SMH whateva. Luckily I remain optimistic

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:26 am

M – I just asked “why” you would think it be controversial to someone. But since you have no answer, I’ll leave it alone.

SexyCool - Grinding.

August 6th, 2009
10:26 am

Melo – Standing ovation for that 1023a!

Professor

August 6th, 2009
10:28 am

@Willing 2 Learn thanks for answering my question and I must confess when I see that same old Rent-A-Center game flowing I first check myself and continue to be cool, but I will ask a few questions that will send the dude running. So, it may not be that you do not have the ability to capture his mind and stuff; he may not be worth capturing…

@Elijah ***What I do know is I am not afraid to fail, I cannot hold back or worry about if someone is trying to get over on me in the dating game!***
…I am with you on this statement; in fact I have a quote on my refrigerator that reads, “What would you attempt if you knew you would not fail.” The fear of failing often holds people back, but not this lion, tiger and bear.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:28 am

So I can say with all honesty that if a woman gives it up in the first week I do not think of her in a negative way. But that’s just me…

EPO – I’ve heard this from men. I’ve also heard men admit that they would judge her, even if it’s not fair.

But most importantly, having sex with someone I just met is not something that is appealing to me, whether I get judged for it or not.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
10:29 am

ImAPEACH – You prolly did for real..

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
10:29 am

@AmazonRed™

I thought it would be controversial to someone because you would be surprised at what people dont know or care to embrace. I just did not want to offend anyone. You have to remember AmazonRed™ that everyone wont always be on the same level in any area and sometimes everyone needs a little help even if it is common sense to you.

abc

August 6th, 2009
10:31 am

Failure can be good. It should indicate that you’ve learned something not to do.

In the absence of knowing what to do, being able to rule out the things you know not to do is the next best alternative.

Demi

August 6th, 2009
10:31 am

(can one of you fellas grab my arm and help me down these stilettos are too high today?)

Hellz NO!!!

Demi is now looking for dolla bills…

Sassy/Mo/Cee…hush!!

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:31 am

M – Still not answering the question. Really it’s okay, dude.

I know how things can get twisted on here. I didn’t argue with that.

It’s cool, really.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
10:32 am

Elijah – Im gonna need you to stop getting on here just to agree with these chicks.. Come on Cuz show them some insight into a mans world. They meet yes dudes all day everyday.

lurker

August 6th, 2009
10:32 am

Melo’s 10:23….OUTSTANDING!

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:33 am

AmazonRed…I when love to give you a non-church like hug for your posts…I am in agreement with you for the most part.

:lol:

Demi – I have on loafers today.

East Point's Own

August 6th, 2009
10:34 am

AmazonRed As in most things in life half the people will always disagree with what you do, so its best to do what makes you comfortable… and just deal with those who can get with your program.

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
10:35 am

Morning Folks!

I think what’s gotten in the way of my past relationships is impatience and not recognizing and embracing the gender differences. These go hand in hand in a way.

I’m not say all women are like this, but I’m very expressive about my feelings – sometimes too expressive because, being the Gemini that I am, how I feel right now may be different from how I feel 2 hours from now. It’s difficult for me to hide my emotions. While I may not say anything my face will give it away. So if I’m feeling a little down those around me will know. If I’m excited, folks will know and so on. Not only will they know – if asked (by someone close) I’ll tell them why.

That is not so with men – so if I detect something’s wrong, I wanna know. In the past, if a guy said nothing but continued to act differently I would either press or assume he’s about to pull a disappearing act and pull back myself (which leads to my impatience). Neither reaction is good for a relationship.

So over time I’ve learned to appreciate that menfolk aren’t going to tell me what’s going on until they get a chance to work it out within themselves. I’m still working on that patience part – just this morning my guy seemed a little out of sorts when we left the gym. I asked him if he was alright. He said yes. Then I asked if he was alright, alright or was it a ‘he needs to process and tell me later’ alright. He said he was fine…but I know something’s going on in that mind of his. I suspect I’ll hear about it on the ride to the beach tomorrow – but I won’t ask again (and it’s driving me crazy!!!)

W8©

August 6th, 2009
10:38 am

Hmmm, Whats getting in my way? I would say my communication skills and my tolerance levels. I tend to withdraw when someone is over talkative or seems to always have the answer or is pointing fingers. I have no problem with accountability at all. On the way to bettering myself I refuse to drop my standards for a potential mate. Whether it be her ability to bring more peace than drama in my life, her spiritual walk, her ability to cook, her looks..etc etc. I will not compromise those things,I have gotten sidetracked into prototypes that weren’t exact working models but during that process I have found out more things that I need to work on with me. My mindset when a relationship doesnt work out is always “W8, what could you have done differently?” and I go from there. Lastnight I was talking to a great female friend and she asked me about folks feelings. I said “not my problem, thats how I stay drama free” That’s something else I need to work on…if I detect one ounce of drama, I have a great “on and off switch” and will just keep on stepping, with no explanation. I have gotten to a point in my life that if I like someone and if she does anything that starts to tear at my heart I will just leave, because I know that it’s only a matter of time before I start dissecting her and realizing why I shouldn’t be with her….man I don’t even know what I am typing now..my mind is all over the place…and like I said communication is my biggest hinderance when it comes to relationship…i digress

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 6th, 2009
10:38 am

Melo – Outstanding. That says it all right there, and you put it so much better than Frank “I Think I’m The Shyt” Ski ever could!

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:39 am

Alvin Please tell Demi Cee said…good one don’t come around often. Just get her those stilettos you’d like her to have…

Tazzee Happy Early Friday! All i ask is for picture text.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
10:40 am

@Fulfilling I know all about stuff coming out harsh, even without cussing mine comes out harsh regardless and it is a shocker to most. I will say this a lot of times I will ask a few questions which will put the guy on notice and I do not have to go there, but when I go there be it a guy or gal I will give them the business signed and sealed.

Hey Melo! I am with you on that post. You brought it this morning…

Dang Demi! I just knew you would give me a hand! :-o Oh well I have strutted down anyway :)

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
10:40 am

M. – Thats condescending ARED.. you’ll get used to it..

Now what I’m waiting for is her to say something is wrong with her besides she doesnt give it up and all these dudes just cant get it together.

ARED – Dig deep babe and open up to the blog.. Aint nobody gonna judge you..

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
10:41 am

Close the last chapters in ur failed relatiosnhips and open new, clean slates.
If u still nursing a failed relatiosnhip hangover,sit ur azz down!

Good stuff Melo!

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:42 am

so its best to do what makes you comfortable… and just deal with those who can get with your program.

EPO – Precisely. Which is why I feel no pressure to give into things I don’t agree with just to have a man. Maybe if I hated being single or had a biological clock ticking I’d feel differently.

There are lasting marriages in my family. I can’t just settle for any old thing.

Tazzee - today's my Friday !!!

August 6th, 2009
10:43 am

Cemeeli can’t send picture texts on the iPhone. I’ll send you an email though. See, this is why you need to get on FB – real time pics….but I won’t pressure you ;-)

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:46 am

.A good man is what he is about,his goals,his heart,his close family and the interaction with his community.

If u are a good and worthy woman and he is a good worthy man,u will find each other! Close the last chapters in ur failed relatiosnhips and open new, clean slates.

How freakin” good is that?!!! I love it when you’re like this.

Melo Pre-vacation is mugg, hunh? :) …my boy…

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:48 am

DK – You must be my groupie today. :)

I have open up to the blog. When something is relevant, I cop to it. I have nothing to hide in my dating experiences. Come here more often. However, I don’t have whoa is me stories of gross mistreatment. I’ve known my worth for a long time.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
10:50 am

@THE INFAMOUS DK lol

@ Ared Can you say the number 1 area where you think men fail and I tell you the area where I think women fail?

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:51 am

@ Tazzee – I will one day…:) My family is sending pic. via FB and i’m like “LOOK, i don’t have a FB profile.” Then they send them via email or pic text. Lol…i’m stone age.

Kym-embracing my inner Grace today.

August 6th, 2009
10:53 am

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:53 am

M – Go for it.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:56 am

Tazzee, if you created the album, you can sent pics to people to view even if they don’t have a FB account. There will be a public link at the bottom of the album.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 6th, 2009
10:56 am

Lol…i’m stone age.

Cee – You’re not the only one, Sis!

Poppa Grande

August 6th, 2009
10:58 am

Good topic….I’ll answer with a testimony…

The number one thing that I did to become marriage minded was ask myself was I ready for a successful relationship. For quite sometime, I was prepared for the females that weren’t for me such as gold diggers (I called them,” leeches”). I purposely would deal with people with a long handled spoon.

Also, I good at finding ways to disqualify people. Sometimes, it was as simple as her nose is too wide. She talks too much. She has manhands. I tried to justify it by saying that I supposed to be picky. I got really good at finding ways to pull to back. It became as easy as wiping my azz after a dump.

I had always been upfront with females and didn’t have to lie to get someone to rabbit dance with me. So, that wasn’t a problem. I met plenty of good females, and that wasn’t a problem.

However, I was the problem. I ended up asking myself was I really ready for successful relationship. We all like to believe that we are. However, many are not and do not really realize it.
Successful relationships mean change. Letting someone into your space comes with successful relationship. Letting someone see what the general public doesn’t get to see comes with a successful relationship. Mutual give and take comes with a successful relationship. It means that life as I had become used to having was going to change.

In reality more people have a fear success than they do failure. Many folks see relationships going well, and then for some reason they start to sabotage it or find something wrong with the other person.

Fear of Success is usually an unconscious thing. It is like the first two lines of the poem entitled “Our deepest fear”:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

This poem is especially important for me as man to be the head of the family that I am destined to be.

With us being the real first generation of kids from the divorce boom of the 80s and 90s, many males and female of our generation know more about failing relationships than we do about successful relationships. That leads to whole different Jerry Springer show.