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Getting In The Way

There are so many single people that are oblivious to what it takes to keep people interested in them. So many of us focus on the absolute wrong thing, that we end up getting in our own way of making a connection. Here’s the thing: just because you have a great resume and look great on paper, doesn’t mean the right person will chase you down or fall into your lap.

If you really think about your last dating misadventures, you could probably pinpoint where you went wrong. It’s not always “I picked the wrong person” either. It’s possible that it is you. You are part of the problem and you may not know it.

One thing that I have noticed that I do is act very aloof with men that I am interested in. I have had this problem for quite a while and even when I actively try to change it, it seems to be a defense mechanism that kicks in like a knee-jerk reaction. What do you think is getting in the way for you?

I have noticed that in Atlanta, a man can think that his great car, fly clothes, and a little swagger (that word is not going away, is it?) is enough to make women fawn all over him. Oh, some fawn over him, alright! This is also the same guy that will complain about women who are too materialistic and shallow.

While the single women in Atlanta can boast of their hot looks and gym tight figures, they are happy to turn the heads of gentleman. They showcase their looks and accomplishments but will complain that men don’t take them seriously. They get upset when they can’t keep a man interested beyond a couple of weeks. They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. This is most likely because they lack the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart. Men need that, I think. Just as much as they need a woman that looks great and can put together a great meal.

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships? What are you going to work on that has impeded you in the past?

625 comments Add your comment

Willing to learn

August 6th, 2009
8:54 am

“They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. ”

What an insightful posting that has me actually responding and not lurking! Guilty as charged. I can hook a man, but he soon loses interest. (Hard to admit.) I’ll be reading today from the ladies and gents as to how to capture (and continue to capture) a man’s imagination and his mind.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
8:58 am

Good Morning All:

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships?

I think what is getting in the way is that we do not know ourselves. Seriously most people do not know who they are nor are they in tuned with their own capabilities and power. Most of the folks walking around are unreflective thinkers (google it if you don’t know what it means because it might be you). Therefore when you have all of that going on it is grounds for disaster.

To sum it all up, “our” ME included thinking or lack or thinking is what is getting in the way…nothing more or nothing less.

What are you going to work on that has impeded you in the past?

If I work on my thinking everything else will fall into place.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
9:00 am

Welcome to the blog Willing to Learn…

If you don’t mind I have a question for you. Do you feel like the men you are meeting are worth capturing? Do they capture your imagination and mind?

Kym-embracing my inner Grace today.

August 6th, 2009
9:07 am

Good morning All,

If I had to name one thing it is that I have a inner defense system. Like one of those spy movies where the lights go out, the steel encloses the windows and red track lights flash warning..warning..I shut down. If I feel threaten..I shut down. If I think a guy is getting to close I shut down. I analyze maybe overanalyze but if I suspect there is going to be something off kilter-Defense system up..commence shut down. Now do I plan to work on this…NO. I said the other day..I like my cracks. I like my defense system it has saved me some heartache a time or two..so I embrace it, if someone comes along that I feel a need to make adjustments to the system then I might.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
9:14 am

Good Morning Wise!

I mentioned my problem earlier this week…I overthink things. The term “going with the flow” is very difficult for me. Why? Because most men I’ve encountered aren’t consistent. Something that flows is moving…it’s consistently moving so how do you go with the flow when things aren’t moving? People (men I’ve encountered) say one thing and do another, which leaves me with a lot of questions and usually they’re questions about me…so much so that I usually just lose interest in dating the person all together. There are just some things I need and although I’m a compromising person I do have certain expectations. The problem has become meeting people who meet those expectations. Now before I get stoned for stating I have expectations, keep in mind these are basic principles…do what you say you’re going to do, learn to communicate through talking and quit all this darn texting (UGH!), be considerate of my time, and don’t have your rep doing things you know you can’t keep up (consistency). I don’t think those are difficult priciples for an adult (man or woman) to keep up. Just my opinion.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue spending time with me. I’m really trying to get to a place that whatever state I’m in, I’m content. Everyday I’m accepting that although a healthy long-term relationship is what I desire it may not be in the cards for me (right now), but I still have a life to live and I need to do that with joy and peace.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
9:22 am

Now do I plan to work on this…NO. I said the other day..I like my cracks. I like my defense system it has saved me some heartache a time or two..so I embrace it, if someone comes along that I feel a need to make adjustments to the system then I might.

Kym, one thing I really admire about your posts is that you’re always honest…with yourself and with others. That’s a trait that’s rare these days but one that is to be commended.

The Real Rell

August 6th, 2009
9:23 am

whats getting in my way – ME

My homeboy told me that yesterday…so did the skrippers…they were like there is no reason a man like you should be backed up…either you saying or doing the wrong things or picking the wrong women….lol…good post diva this should be a good one

lurker

August 6th, 2009
9:24 am

I have noticed that in Atlanta, a man can think that his great car, fly clothes, and a little swagger (that word is not going away, is it?) is enough to make women fawn all over him. Oh, some fawn over him, alright! This is also the same guy that will complain about women who are too materialistic and shallow.

While I can admit both men and women can be blamed for the “not so good” in relationships the aforemention (in bold) should be plaqued.

Pretty Wings

August 6th, 2009
9:26 am

So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships?

Good Morning Good People!

What has gotten in the way for me is me……. I am simply not ready to be in a relationship were I have to give up to much. My divorce was difficult, (it felt more like a death because I knew he loved me) so the grieving process and recovery is not what I want to subject anyone to. Therefore, short-term dating is the option that works for now……..no expectations.

I actually prefer friendships over the pretense that dating sometimes creates. I don’t go into the deep with folks often because at the surface most things are simple until feelings become involved. Although I can take or leave most people I ain’t gonna lie, there was one that really made wanna get my ish together and quick! LOL

Today, I am working on me at every level and it feels good.
But at my own pace………

Have a great day !! Check in later

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:28 am

Here’s the thing: just because you have a great resume and look great on paper, doesn’t mean the right person will chase you down or fall into your lap.

IT DOESN’T????? :(

:lol: Morning all. :)

lurker

August 6th, 2009
9:28 am

Oh, and to today’s post….I’ve learned to quiet down. It never hurts to give a little. Almost like knowing which battles to fight and which aren’t work the effort. My part in keeping peace I would sum….have really grown in this are but still ever evolving.

lurker

August 6th, 2009
9:29 am

“worth” is what I meant

abc

August 6th, 2009
9:30 am

oblivious to what it takes to keep people interested in them

You are part of the problem and you may not know it

great car, fly clothes, and a little swagger is enough to make women fawn all over him

Now, all of these are very strong indicators of poor self image. Do you think that someone has to somehow fabricate that which would keep someone interested in them? Do you think that your car, your clothing preferences and styles, and an arrogant front are aspects that others will find appealing? To subscribe to this mindset is to adopt a lifestyle based on presenting yourself as something you are not. This is common among chicks. Men will center their identity on their car and other materialism to compensate for their own lack of good self image, too.

Insinuating that if you’re not that way, that “you’re part of the problem and you may not know it” is to simply bash those that don’t feel the need to portray themselves as something they’re not.

Here’s a novel idea: stop being so shallow and become a genuinely more interesting person.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
9:30 am

They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. This is most likely because they lack the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart. Men need that,

Aww Man!! Thats its right there.. I cant even make a comment I just got to let that marinate in the wind for a minute..

Kym-embracing my inner Grace today.

August 6th, 2009
9:32 am

@Deeva Aww thank you kindly. Heck, lie to keep your lights on, lie to get out of a ticket. But lying to yourself about yourself..you only fooling yourself.

In the words of George W. Bush.. “Fool me once shame on you..Fool me twice..you can’t fool me again.”

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:32 am

If you really think about your last dating misadventures, you could probably pinpoint where you went wrong. It’s not always “I picked the wrong person” either. It’s possible that it is you.

I, personally, do think about my dating misadventures. I know when it’s me and I know when it isn’t.

Quite honesty, I don’t give up sex fast enough for many men. I was just having the convo with one last night, who reminded me, yet again, that there are plenty of fabulous women, who will give it up within days or weeks of meeting a guy.

That’s really great for those men and women. I’d rather you go for the quick lay. Really, I’ll be over here on the single’s perch not trippin.

Oh, and there was the guy that gave me the silent treatment over a silly argument we both contributed too. And he’s made I didn’t kiss his azz over it. Now he’s asking our mutual friend about me and how I am. I relayed back that he can stay gone. I’m keeping it simple in 2009 and I’m not playing those games. Sorry!

Leggs

August 6th, 2009
9:35 am

Good morning everyone!

The main thing that’s getting in my way is getting out there to meet like minded people. I need to go out more often than I do, which I’m thankfully changing and have met a few interesting people. Other than that, I’m perfect. :wink: Just Kidding!! I have to learn how to take people at face value and not always think that there’s an ulterior motive, at least until one is proven. There are some other things I need to work on that I may discuss later.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
9:35 am

I am curious why is it that a man cannot bring peace to his own mind and heart. Men need that? Shoot I do that for myself 24/7. I see myself as a help mate not a creator for men…I need the man in my life to be complete and let me be that supplementary component that enhance him and make him better. Not to sound negative, but there are some broken men out here flexing.

ImAPeach404

August 6th, 2009
9:41 am

@Deeva – I felt like I was reading my own post! I totally agree and relate to everything you’ve stated.

What is getting in the way of my dating relationships? Hell if I know. I wish I could hold a panal of all the guys I’ve only went out with once and never heard from again. I’d be open to hearing their constructive criticism.

Sometimes, I think I know too much. When I was 23 and didn’t care and didn’t know – dating was so much easier.

Demi

August 6th, 2009
9:42 am

They haven’t quite figured out how to capture a man’s imagination and his mind. This is most likely because they lack the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart. Men need that,

My mind, heart, and soul…are often a raging storm.

Some how, Wisdom…quite those storms

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
9:43 am

Its interesting this topic came up today.. Im having a great day but Im throwed this morning. Ya’ll know I been keeping folks at arms length since my divorce but Ive had this particular friend for a while who’s been being really patient with me. Just kinda letting me do my thing but she always said I’m a good dude but I was scarred. She knows I love music and she stopped by last night and dropped of a CD with one song on it. TRUST by Keisha Cole Ft Monica She said pay particular attention to Monica’s verse.. Ok so I listen to song, had heard it a million times before and it was like whoa.. So I fall asleep with this song on my mind.. Then wake up this morning they play it again on V1033. Dang! She throwed me fer sure cause I been running hard from anyone and everyone, purposely sabotaging relationships, pushing people away, but she didnt leave. Hey Im not saying shes the one but maybe I need to slow down a little and smell the roses a bit enjoy the scenery. Maybe I’ll take off my running shoes and put on some walking shoes..

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
9:44 am

@ So, let’s be honest, what is getting in the way of our dating relationships? What are you going to work on that has impeded you in the past?

#1. I know what has gotten in the way for me was the initial stages. When I meet someone, I want to interact with them in person. Some people like to talk on the phone for weeks before they go out. I cant stand talking on the phone because I want to see you and your mannerisims, quirks, etc in PERSON. So I am working to talk on the phone more.

#2. I know what has also gotten in the way for me is the visual aspect. I am sure we are ALL GUILTY of this. I am learning to SCREEN better. If I can see past the visuals and really drill to the core, you will realize that there is not a lot of SUBSTANCE with people at times charge them and keep it moving.

#3. This is going to start some controversy, but I learned from my last relationship that you cannot ignore any disrespectful behavior. THIS GOES FOR MEN AND WOMEN. You may think it’s a minor detail, cute, or that it’s no big deal but you give them an inch and they want a football field. He’s texting on the phone while on a date with you, she trying to bash you in front of others, nip that in the bud asap…

I am a building in progress, how about you?

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:45 am

Deeva – There is nothing wrong with wanting and expecting consistancy from the guys you date. I feel you on that.

The problem is that many guys want to give you half azz treatment and pass it off as A game. Stay strong and know what you deserve. A lot of folks are out there settling for less than they deserve.

THE INFAMOUS DK

August 6th, 2009
9:46 am

Prof – A man will get peace. The peace you want in the peace he finds with you not without you.. He will get peace no matter what. Thats all we look for in a mate can I come home to a peaceful environment because if not we can go get our own spot and get that peace we always need.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:48 am

#3. This is going to start some controversy, but I learned from my last relationship that you cannot ignore any disrespectful behavior

M – Why would that be controversal? Sounds like common sense to me.

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
9:49 am

It’s funny which makes you say out loud “Damn Diva that’s a good one”. LOL Things that make you “hmmmm”.

Diva, what is it about you that makes you feel that you are not good enough for those guys???

I agree that most of my dating issue were self inflicted. Everything has become so freakin’ textbook. The problem could very well be that the MLB and WLB attract like to identical magnet poles. Rather than bring the M’s and the W’s together it repels them further apart. Most WLB commentary that you read these days encourage W’s to be and think more like a man. But you know what my husband says about that, he doesn’t need me to his potnah. He needs me to be his partner. No this doesn’t mean that we should not have things in common and common interest, it just means that he’s the man and I’m the woman, we are different and that’s how it should remain. Men are attracted to women and women to men.

Now this…”the ability to bring peace to his mind and heart”…I absolutely love, love, love. I had a very intimate conversation with my oldest brother once. And it was about my husband Mason and all things related. He told me that a man goes to war every morning he leaves his house. It’s him against the free world fighting to get his. But his home and his relationship are his comfort and haven. Men don’t want to fight just as hard or harder in the place he goes to find solace as he does when on grind. I get that. I was happy to be given that little bundle of knowledge.

Now on my side, the W’s side, men need to be more understanding of a woman’s way. We are not men. We don’t think like men. We have emotions that you all need to learn to accept and deal with them. Lose the “imma man why should have to deal with vagina logic”. Well if you want to continue to have deal with the vagina you have to accept the logic that comes with it.

Professor

August 6th, 2009
9:51 am

@Ared I am in agreement on your 9:45.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
9:51 am

@ARed

Question for you, you said “The problem is that many guys want to give you half azz treatment and pass it off as A game.”

How does this work? Is it all a balancing act, like if he pursued you, then some women was say he was to thirsty, sweating you, or to eager, but if he didn’t then he would be labeled as not trying hard enough? Im begining to feel like we just cant get right…lol

Mike Jones (who)

August 6th, 2009
9:52 am

whats getting in my way–Me
I think you have to look at yourself first before pointing the finger at someone else. Since you are the common denominator in all of your relationships, what are you doing wrong. (note I haven’t always thought like this, before I would point the finger). But as time goes by you learn…Now I say the hardest part is finding someone that is on the same page as me and learning to be patient.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
9:53 am

@ARed, I said it may be controversal just as a disclaimer, you know how people get…its like a warning label… :)

Demi

August 6th, 2009
9:54 am

Hey 404

(I am curious why is it that a man cannot bring peace to his own mind and heart.)

Profess…men want to feel needed and women want to be needed.

most real men have a warriors spirit at heart (like our God) and most real women have gentle spirit at heart (like our God)

Bring the two together…you’ll have a beautiful thing.

two people of the same spirits…often do not last

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:55 am

How does this work? Is it all a balancing act, like if he pursued you, then some women was say he was to thirsty, sweating you, or to eager, but if he didn’t then he would be labeled as not trying hard enough? Im begining to feel like we just cant get right…lol

M – Go back and read Deeva’s post. You are not talking about what she is talking about.

It’s not about trying to hard or not enough. It’s about consistency in your actions. Many men are not consistant. I think it’s because many of them are managing a roster of women, instead of focusing on one. Nothing wrong with dating folks, but when you are juggling several balls in the air, you’ve gotta focus your attention on them all, or they will fall.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
9:56 am

@ARed, I said it may be controversal just as a disclaimer, you know how people get…its like a warning label…

M – But what was controversal about it though?

If I said the sky is blue, I don’t think I’d need a disclaimer on that. I just want to see why you think someone would have a problem or issue with “don’t ignore disrespectful behavior.”

The rest of your post didn’t get a disclaimer.

Leggs

August 6th, 2009
10:01 am

@Infamous, your post was a great read. At least you recognize what you’ve been doing all this time and why you’ve been doing it. It just might be time for you to take off the running shoes and put on your walking shoes and take a nice, long walk with your friend. Good luck!

@Deeva ~ this deserves repeating :arrow: In the meantime, I’m going to continue spending time with me. I’m really trying to get to a place that whatever state I’m in, I’m content. Everyday I’m accepting that although a healthy long-term relationship is what I desire it may not be in the cards for me (right now), but I still have a life to live and I need to do that with joy and peace. Well said.

M. (pronounced M dot)

August 6th, 2009
10:02 am

@ARed

I saw her posts. So this is a QUESTION: So you can decipher between a guy who is managing a roster rather than 1 woman based on his actions i.e. consistency? I kinda disagree with that. Yeah it may be a lot of work, but what if he gives each woman a good mix of everything? I know EVERY woman has different levels of expectations, but what about that concept when you are trying to choose between 2 people? Obviously they are doing something right if both people still in the running and if they told everyone the deal up front?!

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
10:02 am

While rules are meant to assure the order of dispensation and to create a balanced setting and fair playing field for all involved in the game. But we have just incorporated too many damn rules in dating. And they are all one sided.

Deeva4Life

August 6th, 2009
10:02 am

Sometimes, I think I know too much. When I was 23 and didn’t care and didn’t know – dating was so much easier.

ImAPeach404, I feel the same way!!!

The problem is that many guys want to give you half azz treatment and pass it off as A game.

ARed, truer words have not been spoken…LOL

But you know what my husband says about that, he doesn’t need me to his potnah. He needs me to be his partner. No this doesn’t mean that we should not have things in common and common interest, it just means that he’s the man and I’m the woman, we are different and that’s how it should remain.

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar b.k.a Raqi (I think) I totally agree with that statement. ^5

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
10:04 am

We are our own enemy. For something that is fueled by nature itself we have made it so hard to do. The attractions are unavoidable. But we have made it so difficult.

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:05 am

So you can decipher between a guy who is managing a roster rather than 1 woman based on his actions i.e. consistency? I kinda disagree with that

M – I didn’t say I could decipher. I said it was just a theory.

But it is impossible to give TWO people the same attention as ONE. Doesn’t matter the reason, and like I said there is nothing wrong with dating more than one person.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
10:07 am

Good Morning All!

This is an interesting topic as I have had to take a step back and evaluate me. I get in the way of myself by being understanding. My willinginess to be understanding has allowed men to think that they could say whatever and I would be okay. I had to shut that down real quick. I am a giver by nature and part of that plays into me be understanding, but I understand that it is a two-way street.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

August 6th, 2009
10:08 am

Morning good people!

M dot – I understand how you may feel the need to add a disclaimer cause folks can take seemingly innocent stuff on here and twist it around. But I actually identified with your disclaimed statement the most out of your post. That was the story of my dating life at one point – letting stuff slip until it built up into a big pile of resentment in me. Letting stuff go on longer than it should and hoping there would be a change. Listening to other people tell me that I was impatient and was not giving “good men” a chance! Ever since I realized this about myself and cut it out, life has been so much easier and my relationships have been more successful.

Fulfilling Me

August 6th, 2009
10:08 am

Professor..I agree with your 9:39

ImAPeach404

August 6th, 2009
10:09 am

…I been running hard from anyone and everyone, purposely sabotaging relationships, pushing people away,

DK, I think I went out with you recently

Quite honesty, I don’t give up sex fast enough for many men.

AR me either. I like to lie to myself and say thats not the reason I’m getting pushed off, but I secretly know better. And you know what, I’m ok with it

Hey Demi!

Professor

August 6th, 2009
10:09 am

@Demi/DK thanks I can respect that…and it makes sense

Mrs. Spoe Kinphoar

August 6th, 2009
10:09 am

Deeva4, we are made to fit like a puzzle. It should remain.

Willing to learn

August 6th, 2009
10:09 am

Professor, thank you for the welcome. Actually, I guess it flows both ways. I haven’t met too many captivating men. The type of guy who captures your mind by speaking -not spewing rhetorical game and surface conversation, but the ones who can talk politics, culture, current events, academia and then take it to sports, music etc. There have been only a small number of captivating people. All others are saying enough to talk you into the bedroom. I’m not knocking their approach, but that sort of thing typically fizzles out after 90 or so days and then the cycle starts over. A lot of the time, I can see the sell-by date the moment I meet a man.

Demi

August 6th, 2009
10:10 am

A.red…are you wearing pumps today?

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:10 am

Hello all…

Deeva4Life – Hey maam! …”Content”, is such a good word.

I caught HECK this moring in traffic!!! Some high school Seniors driving a caravan to school and it took me 30 minutes to get out of that rally….

Cemeeli

August 6th, 2009
10:11 am

lol @ Mrs. Spoken For…I love it!!!!

AmazonRed™

August 6th, 2009
10:11 am

A.red…are you wearing pumps today?

Demi….why are you asking…?