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Sowing Wild Oats

There is a common perception about single people, especially single men, that the allure of sowing our wild oats is keeping us single. Apparently, we are too busy and satisfied, to settle down with one person. I’m sure that is the case for some single people. They are reaping the benefits of the “buffet”, dating a variety of people, experimenting, etc. Do you think that this is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Is it good to sow our wild oats? Do you even have wild oats?! I don’t think I do, and I am definitely not sowing anything, but that’s just me.

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?

Should single people “get it out of their systems” so that when they are married, it won’t be a problem to be commited? If you are married or have been married, did you have something you wanted to do before you settled? Did it make any difference?

118 comments Add your comment

ImAPeach404

July 28th, 2009
8:57 am

They are reaping the benefits of the “buffet”, dating a variety of people…

Ugh! Dating is the PITS!!!! What’s the benefit? I don’t see it.

Man, I’d do anything to be in a relationship and not have to “date”. It effin sux!
I just don’t like it. I’d rather be with one person and make it work with them.

I really don’t see the allure of dating for men… seems a rather expensive way to live your life. I know we’ve discussed this before, but in this economy, multiple women and multiple dates aren’t good for the wallet. We need to come up with a quote similar to “It’s cheaper to keep her” for dating…

Diva, all my wild oats have been sown (and I wish I could get some of them back) so that season of my life is over. I’m ready to sit my @ss down and get domestic with a brotha.

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down? Seriously… get their credit and finances straight. Work on their character. Build a personal relationship with God. Stop dating so much and spend some time alone so they can get to know who they really are. Work on their career. Determine what you DON’T want in a mate and focus on THAT instead of what you (think you) want.

Professor

July 28th, 2009
9:18 am

Peach you hit the nail on the head I totally agree with your post especially that last paragraph. I have mastered all of those things you mentioned in your last paragraph because I did not want a potential SO to find me all scattered and dysfunctional.

***I’m ready to sit my @ss down and get domestic with a brotha.*** I know right!

You all have a great day…I am working on some things so I will not be in here.

Kym-I am the mystery in the room

July 28th, 2009
9:20 am

Good Morning All,

This is only question I plan to answer…

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?

Whateva the hell they want to do and with who cause guess what its their life. What exactly is this settled down stuff anyway? I feel pretty settle right now. I must be in rebel mood this week.

A friend gave me some sage advice once and I recently had to refer back to it. “Stop trying to make your life fit in someone’s formula..find your own formula and make your life work for you.” The survey says this, society says that..marriage is not for everyone, settling down is not for everyone, personally I think we would have alot less divorce if we stop setting guidelines and expectations of when a person should be at X point in their lives. Says who? If you want a mate, find a mate, but please don’t go off looking for a mate to settle down with cause well I am 35 and its about that time. Only to wake up 5-6 years from now thinking why in the hell did I do this? Oh now I remember cause it was about that time. Folks need to follow their own instincts.

abc

July 28th, 2009
9:27 am

‘Sowing Wild Oats’ is synonymous with inability to think beyond self-interest. I suppose it’s a natural thing for people to go through. You’ll grow out of it, hopefully. We all know folks who haven’t, and never will, but that’s part of what keeps the big wheel turning: differences.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
9:40 am

You all skipped over a topic. I suppose WiseDiva does not know that there are two new open topics today. From reading the other one I think that one is suppose to be for today.

ImAPeach404

July 28th, 2009
9:40 am

@ Professor – my sentiments exactly. We all have things we need to work on in order to make ourselves more “attractive” to a potential SO. None of us will ever be perfect, but it’s always a bonus when you come across an individual who’s like 80% prepared :)

If you want a mate, find a mate, but please don’t go off looking for a mate to settle down with cause well I am 35 and its about that time.

Kym I can agree with you here which is why age wasn’t mentioned in my previous post. My instincts told me about 3 years ago that it was “time”. People arrive at that place at different stages and has nothing to do with age. Like that “light switch” thing yall were talking about yesterday… If dudes switch is still in the off position, that must be recognized and respected.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
9:52 am

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?

I think that you should do just that, settle down. If it’s not there mentally it will not be there physically. A lot of people make the mistake of going into marriages and committed relationship thinking or in hopes of that relationship settling them but they are so wrong. The first step most vital step of entering into a commitment is to first be commitment minded.

Settle down before you settle in.

SexyCool - In the cut...

July 28th, 2009
9:52 am

Three Words Daily – Live on purpose.

For Real

July 28th, 2009
9:53 am

First you have to define “settling down” and I bet you find varying definitions.

“What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?” – You can’t settle anything until you settle yourself. Find out who you are first. Getting married is not a great indicator of a settled person.

“Is it good to sow our wild oats?” – Again, define “sow your wild oats”. Does it mean discovering who you are as person be it sexually, mentally, physically, educationally, life experience…. the problem with these types of saying is that there is no one definition thus in cannot apply across the board. What’s the difference in a dude running around sleeping with every woman he can find from a dude running around the world to experience different cultures? Nothing they are both selfish endeavors to satisfy a personal itch. The starts when you want to judge someone else’s choice.

Peach: “I really don’t see the allure of dating for men… seems a rather expensive way to live your life.” – Of course you don’t “see the allure” because you want to be married. I don’t see the allure of being married. I like dating. I have met some very interesting and nice women that way. Dating isn’t that expensive if you budget like you do everything else in your life (that is if you budget at all). Don’t hate on dating cause you don’t like it. Oh and if you don’t date how are going to meet a dude? I hope you ain’t one of those chicks that are sitting around doing nothing waiting on God to deliver you a man to your door?

Foots

July 28th, 2009
9:56 am

I don’t think we ever “get it out of systems”. For me, it’s more about committment and self-control. Those are decisions made daily, when presented with a plethora of choices that don’t stop coming just because you have a ring on.

I think it’s a good thing to get out there and figure out what you like and don’t like in a person. But it’s a better thing to learn about yourself and therefore, the kind of person you feel will balance you and your personality.

I agree with Raqi, we should probably be commenting on the other one today. I was disappointed that the beautiful black woman got jilted. He wasn’t all that anyway. Personally, I don’t think it was the religion at all. I think that he liked the novelty of her, but couldn’t really see himself long-term with someone so “ethnic”. I still don’t see why he couldn’t go out on a real date with her and had to abandon her like that. It was just a DATE.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
9:57 am

We often hear people say that a certain individual makes them want to be a better person and that all good and dandy. But is that “want to be” strong enough or even “enough” to make it be.

You need to slay those demons instead of trying to fight them within a relationship. Yeah there is always some little “oat” that rears it’s ugly head of temptation but you can’t have a mass of them running wildly and out of control.

SexyCool - Positively Glowing...

July 28th, 2009
9:58 am

I’ve learned to enjoy dating. And have been having a ball. Wouldn’t trade any of the experiences of the last year for anything. I’ve met some really cool people and had a lot of Big Fun and I am really living an enjoyable life.

As to the wild oats of it all, there is a much to be said for being footloose and carefree as there is to be more responsible and settled down. Each state of being has its pros and its cons. The thing to remember is that regardless of which state that you find yourself in – you should be totally into it. Giving it your 100% with the investment in either state really being in the end goal – which, in my opinion, should be happiness daily, bliss often and joy on special occasions.

I’m not waiting until I get old to have “Golden Years”. I’m living my life like it’s golden right now.

Mike Jones (who)

July 28th, 2009
10:01 am

You have to date that way you find out what you really like. You don’t buy the first car you test drive. You have to do some research and test drive a few of them, to find the one you want to take home. You don’t want to buy a lemon!

As far as sewing your royal oats that depends on the person. But I’m pretty sure every female on this blog would complain if there man wasn’t putting it down in the sack.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
10:09 am

When out sowing those wild oats, be it sexually or just living without caution, there is a tendency of many of those oats taking root and creating weeds and blooms that may come back to bite us in the behind one day. The seeds we planted in our youth yield the crop that we must thresh and harvest in our years to come.

Just like being financially immature will more than likely provide you with a credit situation later in life that you will have work 50 times harder to get out of than you did to get in it. That wild oat sown yielded a weed that is difficult to get rid of.

Kym-I am the mystery in the room

July 28th, 2009
10:17 am

You know all this oats and what should you be doing can apply to one thing.. OWN Your Stuff.

Not own as in property I mean own your feelings, own your good traits, own your bad ones. Married or single..people have a hard time own themselves and accepting themselves.

The Source, Creator, God whateva your name for her, made you human not perfect..so own your freaking imperfections. Thats what we all should be doing. Sorry, but getting married and settling down will not fix you or make you a better person. If you lazy now..you will be lazy then. Own your laziness accept it and then you decide to change, or continue on your lazy path.

ImAPeach404

July 28th, 2009
10:18 am

@Raqi – commitment minded is 100% necessary in order to be committed. And knowing is half the battle!

@For Real – well said regarding sleeping around vs. traveling the world. And, I don’t want to be married, I want to be in a relationship – marriage is not my end goal. I never said I don’t date, I said I don’t like it. Difference. Of course I go out, meet people, have dates – thats how it goes. I do what I have to do but I’m just not a fan of it. Neither pot on a stove nor waiting on God delivers a man!

@Sexy – if you’re having a ball and your life is golden, good for you!!! Dating can be fun when thats where your head is at. I don’t know what happened, but it’s just not fun to me anymore :(

@Mike – just b/c a dude has sowed his wild oats over and over and over again does not a good bedfellow make.

Foots

July 28th, 2009
10:22 am

** That wild oat sown yielded a weed that is difficult to get rid of. **

Isn’t that the truth!

Mike Jones – If we are on car analogies, I didn’t have to test drive every car I thought I wanted. I narrowed down the field of hundreds of cars to a few that were affordable, reliable, good on gas mileage and pleasing to the eye. Because I am sure about the things I like (which is what happens when you know yourself), only a few choices were left. Then I took the time to do the research on those, which narrows it down usually to just one. By the time I go in for the test drive, I know that I’m going to get that particular car; the only question for me is when and from where. The only two cars I’ve test driven, I’ve bought. And it’s because I knew exactly what I wanted when I went in.

Decide what you want in a person before you start looking. Keeps you from having to date everyone as a way of narrowing options down.

Mike Jones (who)

July 28th, 2009
10:29 am

ImAPeach404–Very true

Foots–LOL I feel you on that 100%….But you’ve never wanted to drive a Drop top Lamborghini???
(Rhetorical question)

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

July 28th, 2009
10:29 am

Morning Gang!

I think the term “sowing oats” has gotten a negative rap. Especially for men, I think of some dude out getting as many notches on his belt that he can. Hopefully when he tires, like Raqi said, he has not planted any weeds that will take the next 10-20 years to get rid of, if at all!

I like to look at it as a time to find out about yourself, not only dating & relationship-wise, but career, financially, what you like to do, hobbies, etc, without needing to be responsible for a spouse, kids, etc. Just have that time to be free & discover yourself & the world. Unfortunately, most of us don’t get to do that. That has been cut short for some before they even get out of high school due to teen pregnancy. Or you meet someone & get married right out of high school or college. Not a bad option, just a different path.

I know what Peach means about dating – I know for me it got a little old rather quick, at least the idea of dating a lot of different guys. Everyone is just not cut out for that. I’m more comfortable concentrating on one person and seeing where that takes us.

AmazonRed™ - vacay is coming...

July 28th, 2009
10:31 am

Morning all –

I do think there is a lot of variety and options out there. And there lies part of the problem…with so many ways to go, it’s hard to chose one.

I think one should enjoy life to the fullest, but to not be callous about the decisions you make in life though, because they have consequences.

I’m glad that I am not influenced by the ticking of my biological clock, because men are taking much longer to settle down. I just want to make sure that I end up with the right person who is long term commitment minded when it’s time for it to happen. And if I were desperate to have a kid, I could certainly be feeling pressure right now.

For Real

July 28th, 2009
10:33 am

Scool: “I’m not waiting until I get old to have “Golden Years”. I’m living my life like it’s golden right now.” – I agree 100%. One of my summer job was at a nursing home (the most depressing job I ever had) and I met the old dude. They called him Crazy George. Well Crazy George and and Robert Portman built Atlanta’s skyline. He told me every year his wife would beg him to go on a vacation and every year he would put it off until the next year. Well his wife died so he decided to retire and take all of those trips he promised his wife and at each stop he would buying things he thought she would like. He made a room in his house to place all those vacation items he bought for his wife. Well his kids thought it was strange and took his money and stuck him the nursing home for his own good. Moral of the story, figure out what brings you peace and do it now. Everything else will fall in place.

Raqi: “That wild oat sown yielded a weed that is difficult to get rid of.” – True but looking back on the experience of cultivating those weeds can be priceless. Not to mention the valuable lessons that are learned from making weeds. A young fool making weeds or an old fool making weeds – Which one would you want to be?

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
10:38 am

@Mike – just b/c a dude has sowed his wild oats over and over and over again does not a good bedfellow make

Peach I agree. Anybody can get out there and throw some seeds around and end up with a jumbled mess and/or an unprofitable empty harvest.

There is an art to gardening. Sowing seeds. Based on what produce you are trying to cultivate the placement of your oats, the season, the soil, the depth and the pruning process determines your harvest.

And not everything that grows that looks pretty is profitable. This past Saturday my grandson went over into the neighbor’s yard pulled some dandelions and brought them to me saying that he picked some flowers for me. I told him those were weeds then I took him to my flower bed and showed him some real flowers.

See how early it starts. There are men out there ,some unaware, yet handing out gifts of dandelions and many women accepting them unaware that those are just pretty weeds.

SexyCool - Positively Glowing...

July 28th, 2009
10:41 am

Kimmie – I can relate to what Peach is saying about dating which is why I said that I ‘learned’ to enjoy it. And my enjoyment of dating is not from the ‘dating around’ or the ‘variety’ of it all – it’s more about embracing each of life’s experiences as they come and making a decision about how I view them.

Foots

July 28th, 2009
10:43 am

Mike Jones – HELLZ to the YEAH!! But am I willing to pay the price that it entails? Gas, insurance, car note, tickets….not so much… I’ll stay in my lane. LOL

But you know what? If I saw that Lambo and decided that was what I wanted, I wouldn’t have to test drive anything but that. I would prepare myself in whatever way it took to get it, and work towards it. I wouldn’t waste time test driving Hondas and Toyotas if I wanted a Lambo.

abc

July 28th, 2009
10:50 am

For Real, that is a sad sad sad story. Big lesson there. Live your life with and for the people you love, because that’s all you’re really going to get, is those people. Without those people, you have nothing.

Sowers of oats learn that lesson sooner or later, to their own benefit or detriment.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
10:51 am

I made many bad choices growing into adulthood and today I still have some weeds sprouting from those actions. Not every good seed (meaning intention) sown gave me good fruit just like not every stray oat dropped gave me a weed. However knowing that the chances of a good harvest is better when properly done, why be 30, 35, 40 and still out there sowing wildly cover your life in useless rubbish.

Mike Jones (who)

July 28th, 2009
10:54 am

I’m not planting any seeds until I find a partner to do the gardening!

Am I the only one getting confused by all the metaphors???

@Foots I would prepare myself in whatever way it took to get it!

LOL!!!!

Mike Jones (who)

July 28th, 2009
10:59 am

Correction…Help do the gardening!

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
11:04 am

SexyCool I know one of your sayings is “the grass is not always greener…because sometimes it ain’t even grass”.

In line with today’s discussion that faux lawn could very well be the consequences of many, many years of bad sowing just to find yourself at 50 with not one strand of real grass to show. Leading one to be forced to lay plastic turf that gives the illusion of an inviting comfortable lawn when they decide to settle down and build a home.

Now if you are 40, 50, 60 and still playing games then that plastic turf is just what you need. Good for golf, tennis, a little hand ball. LOL

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

July 28th, 2009
11:10 am

SCool – I feel ya and you have the right attitude about dating! I think if more took it like you do, it would be a much more enjoyable experience for everyone all around.

I’m enjoying the dating experience right now, just with one person! I can look back on SOME of my past dating with fondness. I went to some great places – concerts, restaraunts, cities, etc. But the NONENJOYABLE part of dating for me was having to start over with different people. Finding out not only did we have common interests in things to do, but if this person is evening willing to get out and do anything or willing to spend the money & time. Is this a person I even want to spend time with? This process of elimination can be fun, but for me it got old. And if things were not to work out with SO, guess what? I’d have to go thru it all over again!

For Real

July 28th, 2009
11:20 am

abc: Yeah it is a sad story one which I will never forget. That whole summer was very depressing to see what children are capable of doing to their parents. And you have never said anything more poignant than this “Live your life with and for the people you love, because that’s all you’re really going to get, is those people. Without those people, you have nothing.” – This is in the opposite direction of this I, My, and Me country we live in today.

Raqi: “See how early it starts. There are men out there ,some unaware, yet handing out gifts of dandelions and many women accepting them unaware that those are just pretty weeds.” – Yep men do learn early that chicks are never satisfied. lol… I mean come Raqi, lil man saw something that made him think of you. Not sayin you are a weed but…..
Oh and I see you don’t mind playing hand ball either Zippppppppppp! 15 -Love Raqi

SexyCool - Positively Glowing...

July 28th, 2009
11:21 am

Raqi – you know I was planning on working my ‘not even grass’ motto into the earlier post. LOL

Kimmie – I agree with the not wanting to start over. But even in my current case, I’m enjoying learning about Mine. It’s like he’s this vast, unexplored territory and I’m on this great adventure of discovery.

You can just call me “Christopher Columbus” and Mine can be “The New World.” LMAO!

SexyCool - Positively Glowing...

July 28th, 2009
11:23 am

(You know, since we’re doing metaphors today.)

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

July 28th, 2009
11:26 am

SCool – Okay Chris!LOL!!

I remember this song in elementary school – Columbus sailed the ocean, in fourteen ninety two!

That’s all I remember of the song, cause I do remember learning the Indians were already here!! But that’s another Oprah!

The Real Rell - one man wolfpack!!

July 28th, 2009
11:40 am

Ugh! Dating is the PITS!!!! What’s the benefit

@peach404

whats your phone namber…lol…dating is not fun huh..thats cause you choosing in the wrong direction…

The Real Rell - one man wolfpack!!

July 28th, 2009
12:18 pm

Dang membership as fallen off….what happen

Foots

July 28th, 2009
12:31 pm

As for dating, I don’t much like the string of dates thing either. My preference is to meet and get to know one gentleman. What has happened in the past is that I usually meet men in twos. I may go out once or twice with each, to get to know them, then one man begins to stick out in my mind and thoughts when he starts to show that he has what I’m looking for. The other just falls off naturally.

Though I wonder what would happen if both were good fits?

AmazonRed™ - vacay is coming...

July 28th, 2009
12:40 pm

What has happened in the past is that I usually meet men in twos. I may go out once or twice with each, to get to know them, then one man begins to stick out in my mind and thoughts when he starts to show that he has what I’m looking for. The other just falls off naturally.

Foots – This happens to me too!

cookie

July 28th, 2009
1:07 pm

Tha kind of lifstyle gets old, for some faster than others. It also brings on problems later in life. This day in age it is smarter, healthier, safer, and cheaper to settle down WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A GOOD THING. How many people have dated for someone for a while, going great and then you break up? Marraige is so beautiful, the problem is, its not being honored and respected like it should so people are afraid.

Horcae Ragin

July 28th, 2009
1:10 pm

I was married at an early age i raised two sons now they have Families. I’m 50 now and single i don’t sleep with many pepoles but sex is still very good and important to me. I just like certain type of women and that’s who i chase.

Tazzee - countdown to Pensacola Beach

July 28th, 2009
1:10 pm

What’s up good people? I didn’t think we’d have a post today so I wasn’t in a rush to check in. I’m sure Diva meant for one to be for Wednesday and one for Friday…oops.

Not much to add to this discussion but I agree with everyone that has said we need to live our lives to the fullest while single but also get our finances, etc in order.

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
1:23 pm

we need to live our lives to the fullest while single

Meaning???

Raqi

July 28th, 2009
1:24 pm

ForReal why do you have two mustard seeds in your pants???

main lurker

July 28th, 2009
1:47 pm

What do you think single people should be doing before they settle down?

Have it together mentally. It all comes from within. If you want to settle down, nothing to it….do it. I believe everything happens behind the process of a certain mindset. Be it good or bad.

Melo

July 28th, 2009
2:00 pm

we need to live our lives to the fullest while single

Meaning???

u know the meaning Raqi,dont u??

Raqi...The Ambassador for Marriage

July 28th, 2009
2:01 pm

Is today a holiday???

Melo

July 28th, 2009
2:02 pm

i don’t sleep with many pepoles but sex is still very good and important to me. I just like certain type of women and that’s who i chase

that dont sound very 50sh.

Raqi...The Ambassador for Marriage

July 28th, 2009
2:04 pm

No I don’t Melo. See I am not one that associates marriage with not having a full life. Or being less fulfilled in life.

Not that Tazzee does I don’t think, but I still asked the question. A lot of people feel that once married the fun stops or the fulfilments cease. For me it is just moving on to a different level of my life.

kimmie-livin my life like it's golden!

July 28th, 2009
2:08 pm

Melo – Just like you suggested, something fishy went on with that police report involving Gates, the Harvard professor. On CNN last night they played the 911 call and the neighbor did not mention race, but the police report mentions 2 black men with backpacks! Gates said he had no problem with the neighbor, in fact he said she did what any concerned neighbor would do. But they played an audio of the incident where the cop acknowledged Gates showed his ID and lived there, but he was still calling for backup instead of going on his merry way!

Raqi...The Ambassador for Marriage

July 28th, 2009
2:13 pm

They both supposed to meet with the POTUS on Thursday. I hope it all comes to an end with that meeting.